Nothing to Write Home About

My pen-pals are pretty active these days. I keep getting the funniest documents and crap. I've got a beautiful new photo hosting account for all the funny shit they send my way. Message me for a link to it.

I got my mountain bike fixed this week. The seatpost had mysteriously cracked... after I loaned it to a person for a few hours. Fucking nice, huh? Of course, they didn't tell me it broke, I went to take it to the store to pick up stuff for dinner only to discover, before I left the yard, the thing was broke. I had to take the roadbike instead.... which can be shittastic give the state of some of the streets between here and the market.

But, hey, $15 later it's up and running again. Too bad it's been rainy far too often. We're hoping the gym opens up soon... we've been waiting for that place to open for a few months now.

The garden is going a bit poorly. Ants injured quite a few of my pepper plants. The strawberries and raspberries are doing lovely, though. I've learned a few things, so next year I should have better success with the vegetables. I'm hoping to have a huge salsa garden for 2009.

Sorry to bore you this time around.

12:20 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Trolling for Great Justice

I'm rich, bitches! I just got an e-mail that I won a shit ton of money in the Australian Lotto. Also, some people want me to claim the fortunes that deceased relatives left in their banks in places like Ghana, Malaysia, Nigeria, etc.

I got bored the other day and started browsing a wonderful forum filled with wonderful people. They lie about who they are, what they are, and the wealth they have procured. They post frequently on guestbooks. Their e-mail accounts get filled with offers similar to the ones I've gotten. They waste the time of countless fraudsters around the world. They're baiters.

So I dummied up a few gmail accounts. I created some wealthy American businessmen characters. I signed a few guestbooks. I am now in business. I have started writing my wonderful scammers back.

As a n00b to this little game, I'm not expecting great results from the scammers I have on the line right now. It takes practice and finesse. It also takes a great deal of patience. Don't supply too much info too fast. One reply per day. Stall. Misunderstand instructions. Fuck up a lot.

Why bother doing this? The lulz, of course. But also the idea that if I can take up the time of these scammers, that's less time they have for potential real victims. Baiting these bastards can yield hilarious pictures and videos. If they truly believe the money is coming their way, they will send pictures of themselves holding signs you designate, or with fish on their heads.

Some of you may think that it's pretty harsh. These scammers are from impoverished nations, and they're just trying to get ahead. These people aren't poor. How many impoverished people have regular access to the internet? Access to scanners, fax machines, digital cameras, video cameras, etc? It's not some poor dirt farmer in Nigeria that's sending me these offers. And even if it were, they are still breaking the law, hence the name 419 scam.

If I have any success, you will read about it here.

11:01 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Stupid People I Have Heard

I once heard a person take offense to the use of the word "cracker."

Okay, it's happened more than once, and I laugh. I can't help it. I think it's a joke. But, seriously, they're often offended. "Why is it okay for them to call me a cracker, but I can't call them certain things?"

I never have an answer. I still don't. Unless my laughter is the answer.

An old friend of mine and I used to go to a restaurant for coffee on a regular basis. One of us would invariably ask the other to pass the crackers... and then the big fight would ensue. It was performance art where least expected, two teenagers shouting things like "Who you callin' cracka', honky?" "Who you callin' honky, whitey?" etc. until we couldn't keep straight faces and had to collapse, laughing, back into the booth.

I don't get it. I don't get the oppressed white guy thing, either. I've been told I don't find "cracker" offense because I'm not part of the oppressed white boy elite. Or because I didn't grow up in the South. Or because... whatever. I don't find it offensive, largely, because I don't like handing power over me to other people... regardless of color, gender, whatever. I don't have to find words used in reference to me offensive, I learned that early on. And I can't help but shake my head in pity and sadness at every white person who bristles with indignation at the use of the words... even more when they bemoan that they can't use certain words. Racism is a bitch, ain't it? Sucks to be you, don't it?

Perhaps, instead of bitching about the plight of the oppressed crackers, it would be more productive to strip the power you're giving to those words. Perhaps it would be wise to recognize the racism that might accompany it for what racism always is: folly. Perhaps a little less pissing and moaning is in order, and a maybe do something more constructive... Racism got you down? Go out and do something to mend some fences, go build some bridges. Just go fucking do something and quit bitching at me about your plight. 

I don't have sympathy for your oppressed majority.

4:24 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

A Conversation in Nerd Analogies

So I'm talking to Wolverine. I've finally browbeaten him into spilling the truth about his moodiness. It's the whole freaking Jean Grey thing... again. Seriously, what's up with this unrequieted love crap? Obsession is never healthy.

I guess in this twisted little nerd story I get to be Tony Stark... which is pretty cool for me. I get to be an asshole, but people will find it endearing. What can I say? I'm fucking charming.

More to the point, though, is that I can't relate to this bullshit. Okay, I shouldn't call it bullshit... but really, I always get what I want... or who... or whatever. I don't get the unrequieted love thing. I don't get the longing, and yearning. Well, maybe in the next movie I will.

But anyway, back to the story at hand. How many times can you point out that self-torture isn't healthy before someone gets it? Plus, let's be honest, aside from the shit-ton of bullshit drama she brings to the table, Jean Grey's pretty boring. Plus there's that Cyclops thing...

Oh well. When someone has pride by the bucketfulls you will never be able to knock some sense into them. Then again, I keep denying those Tin Man parallels...

10:32 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Here Come the Thought Police

As always, I'm late to the party.

In the 1950s we saw the specter of Communist infiltration into the government embolden a Junior Senator from Wisconsin to commence on what has often been described as a witch hunt. Joe McCarthy successfully rooted out a grand total of zero Commie spies. He ruined countless careers and lives in the course of his fruitless crusade.

And now we are faced with what at first glance seems like a harmless bill to have passed the House and now moving on to the Senate. A bill that would grant funding for a think tank to compile information on "homegrown terror groups." A think tank that would provide guidance to our leaders to shape policy to combat the specter of Terror. That bill has been aptly dubbed "the Thought Crimes Bill".

Sadly the bill would also allow for this think tank, this Commission, to also hold hearings to gather evidence. Lucky for us aren't we all presumed innocent until proven guilty? Sadly, the witch hunts of the '50s have shown us otherwise. While people called before such groups may not face criminal penalties, many of the people called before the House Un-American Activities Commission faced penalties from society at large. In the court of public opinion, too often a mere accusation or insinuation of wrong-doing is all that is needed to "prove" guilt.

I find myself too often wondering if the America I've known was only just a dream. If the Constitution this great land was built upon was merely so many words cobbled together without meaning to almost anyone who would swear to uphold them. I find no humor in the fact that too many of my fellow Americans are overprotective of a piece of cloth, a symbol, our flag... yet care not for a piece of paper, the guarantee of our liberties and greatness, the Constitution.

Our liberties, our freedoms, the essence of our greatness is being encroached on. One could try to make this about party lines. One could try to make this about "liberal" versus "conservative." One would be wrong to do so. This is not about "us" against "them", this is about American idealism versus misguided fear. "Those who would give up Essential Liberty to purchase a little Temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." Often attributed to Benjamin Franklin, this statement is just as fitting now as it was then.

We never have to choose between safety and liberty. Not if this America is at all like the America I think I remember from history. An America built by people of great mental resource, an America built on awe inspiring ingenuity. An America peopled with brave, thinking men and women. An America capable of seeing beyond the "choice" between safety and liberty to find that there is room for both.

5:22 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Stupid People I Have Known and the Lessons I’ve Learned From Them

As I sit here drinking my $700 a bottle wine, smoking a Cuban cigar, luxuriating in my 15 bedroom house, I can't help but reflect on how far I've come... and how silly the idea of this blog is.

You're reading this because you want to know if you are one of the stupid people I've known, and if I've learned anything from you. And if you know me, you know I don't do wine... the only good wine is red, and red makes me sick.

I got chastised for being weird again, last night. It was a subtle rebuke, containing a dry humor and artful crafting that I admired. It read: "She's being really weird tonight." Or something like that, I can't remember. I was telling a friend that we haven't talked in forever because my intense, burning passion for him is too much to stand... I was being half honest, we hadn't spoken in a long time.

But the statement about my real of imagined weirdness got me thinking: People are kind of stupid. And reactionary, can't forget reactionary. And I've known a lot of people in my time... and I'm actually starting to talk to some of them again. But not you, you know what you've done.

Having known a lot of people and witnessed a lot of stupid, even from brilliant people I've known, like William... who's a dog... and kind of dumb for even a dog... I guess what I'm trying to say is: You're all a bunch of idiots, but that's okay! I'm one too! I'm just like you!

Seriously, you people need to lighten up. All of you. Even you. Yeah, you.

9:03 PM - 10 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Internet Warfare

Just when you think you've got the internet all figured out, you stumble onto something that smacks of cyberpunk literature... but with a less dystopian feel.

Most of the "wars" waged on the internet are pretty hilarious to stumble on and observe. In a good war, you don't have two dimwits (or a small collective of dimwits) waging war via youtube submissions and responses, with the occassional use of flagging videos or accounts and getting them removed. In a good war you have people google bombing the internet terrain.

Google bombing is so simple even my dad could do it. All you do is create links labeled things like "dangerous cult" ala the Anonymous google bombing of the so-called Church of Scientology. The actual link address is that of the intended target, in this case the so-called Church of Scientology. For a few days a few months ago any search for the term "dangerous cult" brought up, as the first result, the so-called Church of Scientology's homepage.

Google bombing has the potential to change our internet search engine use. Most people are unaware how Google determines the rankings of any search. I'm still a bit confused on the issue, but linkings are one factor. If the google bomb technology were to fall into the hands of PETA, the next time you search for a tasty meat based recipe you mind wind up at some "MEAT IS MURDER!" page.

Imagine the internet landscape ruled by google bombing factions. You try to search for the local Public Radio news station in the town you're visiting and you come to a page that tells you that Public Radio is run by terrorists who hate America. Or you try to search for information for your sixth grade social studies report on President Bush and you find search results saying he's the biggest war criminal that ever lived.

And here's where I tie it all together with a nice little bow: Google bombing can change the way we use and view the internet. It's power is terrible. Thankfully most people just use the internet for masturbation of the mental or physical kind. Kick back and enjoy the lulz.

9:55 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Homesick: Part I

"And woe is me, I am so homesick
 But it ain't that bad
 Cause I'm homesick for the home I never had"
 -"Homesick" Soul Asylum

On Lake Street in Minneapolis is a Middle Eastern market of some sort. On a sign outside the building they advertise that they sell camel meat. Eric asked Deb, Vic, me, everyone who used to hang out at Deb's if any of us had ever had camel. None had. He decided he'd buy some and cook it. He got camel ribs and grilled them. They weren't half bad.

In the Twin Cities you can find all sorts of food. Vietnamese restaurants are popping up more and more. There's a nice Ethiopian joint over in the Midway near Snelling and University. For sushi there's many option, my favorites being a little hole in the wall in the wall on Lake, Origami in downtown Minneapolis, or Saji Ya on Grand. Up in Nordeast there's a sweet and cheap little gyro shop that serves up huge and delicious lamb meat feasts. Thai food is everywhere. There's a myriad of restaurants servings various Caribbean cuisine... even a Cuban restaurant. Hell, there's even a raw food vegan restaurant. There's even real, authentic Italian joints (Fuck Olive Garden.) Fridays used to be my day for Afghani food while I was going to school. I'd head up to Grand and dine at the Kyber Pass on lunch... wonderful people working at that restaurant. The owner's a Zappa fan.

The one thing I haven't found in the Twin Cities is authentic Chinese.

But now I'm here. I think I could maybe scrounge up some Thai, Greek and sushi joints within 50 miles. Maybe. There's a few Asian markets in town, and a sparse Mexican market a few blocks down from here. So I could probably throw together some good stuff.

I think I'm going to buy a Cuban cookbook soon. Note to self: Talk to Bloo and see if his grandma or mom can recommend a good one.

10:22 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

A Few Weeks

Spring's here. I'm about ready to get my bike out of the back room, do a quick tune-up on it, and get back out of the roads. I'm searching around for some cheap buys in the mountain bike department, if I can scam a good rigid steel frame from a garage sale or something, I'll be golden.

I planted some raspberry and blueberry bushes. Some strawberry plants also got a nice spot on the side of the house. The pepper seeds (so many kinds) have been started. As have the herbs. In a few weeks they will be moved outside.

I've got my Phantom cleaned, lubed and overhauled and ready to go for the outdoor paintball season. The Ion is in working condition, I've finally gotten the drop, ASA, and eyes configured. I'm going to throw on a new reg.

The movie crews have moved on to where ever they go when they leave here. My walks are back on schedule, only weather delaying or stopping them. It's a bit weird to have my Main Street back to it's old self again. The lack of people makes me a bit sad. They came to see Johnny Depp, and entirely missed out on how cool Main Street is with it's little boutiques and bars and archetecture. I feel sorry for them.

And the prospect of nerding out is just around the corner. The gaming group meets tomorrow night. I'm going to walk down, introduce myself, and see what games are going on and if I can get in on any.

And the camping... Door County is calling. I've only heard of how beautiful it is up there. In the coming weeks we'll be heading up there for weekend of camping. I can't wait.

I fucking hate winter. Thankfully, it's gone for now.

11:08 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Freedom! It’s FUCKING Important

I've been bothered by the lip service the First Amendment is getting these days. I've also been bothered by a seemingly growing sentiment among Americans: the idea that a person has a right to not be offended. Ever. Anywhere. 

In my own home I control the content. What music streams in from the tubes is my choice, what plays on the television is my choice, the websites I visit are my choice. If a Nazi starts mouthing off on the TV, the tubes, the radio or on the off chance in person in my house, I can shut them off or shut them down... but when I leave my nice little place, when I'm out eating at a restaurant or walking down the street I can only control the content by tuning it out or getting away from it. My rights, in the outside world, end where others' begin.

In a country where the freedom to voice an opinion, no matter how fucked or how retarded, was decided to be so important it was given top billing in the Bill of Rights, the easiest way to supress that is to try to convince people they have a right to only hear what they agree with. That, my friends, is the shit that is going on right now.

Don't contribute to this problem. Your fragile fucking virgin mind is not more important than my right to say "goddamn, cock-sucking, mother-fucking, ass raping bullshit will never be fucking tolerated. COCKS!"

Go ahead. Say "COCKS!" It's fucking funny.

8:51 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment