Writing Group and Emily Dickinson Poetry
Current mood: hopeful
Category: Writing and Poetry

Hi Folks,

In keeping with my tradition of posting (almost) everything I write without censure, even at the risk of my friends trying to do an intervention when one really isn't needed, I am posting three poems I wrote at the Florence Poets Society Writing Group two weeks ago.  I wasn't debating posting it, I've just been too lazy to do it before now. (Plus, now I have a fairly positive piece I wrote from the Emily Dickinson Poetry Marathon on Saturday to balance out the grimness of the first three poems.)  In my defense, the prompt for the writing group was the suicide of writer David Foster Wallace .

What Can't you Understand?

the unwillingness to suffer
the daily psychological pains
tormenting a soul already
struggling to exist within society
the selfishness of leaving behind
people believed not to really care
seeing the outward success
does nothing to ease the nagging
doubt of one who feels a fraud
the pressure of the impending crash
the belief in events
which makes them come true
all weigh so heavily
it is easier to fall with gravity
than continue fighting against it

ltv


Suicide Haiku

one only decides
when the loneliest moment
is confirmed again

ltv


[untitled]

when the path is too hard
to walk alone
and comrades are in
short supply
it may be easier
to find the edge
and convince yourself
you can fly

ltv


And now for something completely different !

On Saturday, September 27th the Emily Dickinson Museum   held it's annual Emily Dickinson poetry marathon in which all of Emily Dickinson's poems (all 1,789 of them) are read by volunteers (like me). There are other things happening too: cake/ice cream, tours, movies, discussions.  Despite the rain it seemed there was a fairly good turn out.  I only stayed for a little bit but I was inspired to write the following:

The Homestead

I have my hand upon a brick
that yours was ..
I let my booted feet
tiptoe -- upon your wooden floor
I watch the rain -- come nourish
the gardens in your care
I write down lines of poetry
and know that you are there

ltv

3:14 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

some depressing new poetry
Current mood: tired
Category: Writing and Poetry

I'm going back to my poetry angst roots here.  You may want to have a Rodgers & Hammerstein musical on hand to cheer you up after reading these.  (I am going with a Pixar film to cheer me up. That always works!)

a new home for Mackenzie

i cut a piece
of my heart out
gave it away
to where I thought
she would be happiest
i was hoping
she would let me know
how grateful she was
or how miserable
but silence gives me
no clues about
her well-being
and I am only left
with a bleeding heart

ltv

[untitled]

when on the ledge
sometimes it feels
that stepping down
is how you heal
since climbing up
has yet to gain
anything more
than further pain

but letting go
is not to quit
if leaps of faith
are requisite
unless one step
is too far out
decisions hang
on crags of doubt

the comfort of
a stable ledge
with rocks to hold
along the edge
makes us rather
take shelter here
than leap or climb
and face our fear

ltv


how not to drown

stop
breathing
long enough
to stop the water
from flooding
your lungs
weighing
you down
don't
search
for the
bottom
with
your
toe
just
let
go
of
the
fear

ltv

12:01 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Kitty Saga Continued
Current mood: hopeful
Category: Pets and Animals

Friday I was still feeling down about Sappho (15 years is the longest relationship I've maintained with an individual not related by blood). I was also missing Mackenzie who had taken up residence at a local hippie stray cat cult (though, admittedly I hadn't seen any other cats when I went to visit her there).  Doing what any good mother would do if her daughter had run off with a hippie cult, I marched down and brought her back kicking and screaming (and scratching and tearing my shirt). After the initial shock of being brought back home (though not inside, I wasn't ready for that drama yet), she settled quite nicely into my lap (after eating her supper) and let me pet her.  Maybe she just forgot the way home. Maybe she was glad to be back since the male stray wasn't around. Whatever it was, I was deliriously happy to see her all curled up on the back porch Saturday morning when I woke up.  She still refused to come inside and when I tricked her inside with some food (then shut the door), she panicked and frantically scratched at the door to get out.  Even when I brought her to familiar places in the house, she made a beeline for the back door and mewed to get out.

Of course, this presented me with the same problem I had originally: what will she do for shelter when the cold weather comes?  I still had to find another home for her rather than leave her in the woods to fend for herself.  So, I drove around Easthampton and Florence looking for farms. The first one I stopped at already had an established barn cat community (this was going to be the primary obstacle to overcome); however, she recommended the farm down the road since the man had just lost his cat and was cat-free at the moment. (She even said to use her name since he was a "typical grumpy farmer".)  Well, I don't know if I actually spoke to the man she was referring to because the gentleman was absolutely sweet as can be. He said he would take her after quizzing me a bit about her mousing skills (I was honest and said I had never seen her chase a mouse) and her health. I drove back home and was easily able to snatch Mackenzie (as she was still curled up on the back porch and very eager for attention when I opened the door).  She was less welcoming of the cat carrier I wrangled her into. I brought her to the farm and let her stay in the cage while the man spoke to her and I reassured her.  We put some food and water out, then opened the carrier to let her out.  She slunk around the garage, which was open to the driveway, sniffing at everything. Then, to my horror, she started heading towards the busy street. Thankfully I caught her before she got close and steered her in the other direction towards the other buildings, the fields and the greenhouses.  She was meowing up a storm as she seems to do now that she's been living outdoors full-time. She hid under my car and for a moment I thought she had crawled into the wheel well. Then, she was gone. The man asked if I would come back to visit. I replied "absolutely!" He said I was welcome anytime I wanted. He even gave me two pieces of the best tasting corn I've ever eaten. They must have just been picked.

So, although it seems as if I sold my cat to a farmer for two ears of corn, I think this is the best situation for Mackenzie.  She's got plenty of places to hide (as evidenced by the fact that I couldn't find her this morning when I visited) and certainly many options for warmth in winter.  I only hope she grows to like it and doesn't freak out and do something stupid. I, of course, am still a nervous wreck even though I know it will take a few days (if not weeks) for her to be acclimated to her new home. I'll keep checking back and whistling for her. So far, she has not responded, but hopefully that will change.  If anyone wants some delicious corn (among other vegetables), stop by Ravenwold Greenhouses on Florence Road in Florence (close to the Easthampton line). And tell your friends, too!

I think my family is completely sick of hearing about my cat issues. In fact, I think my Mom wishes I would just get a life already. Maybe some of you readers think that as well. So what. I want what's best for the cat since it really isn't putting me out that much. I wasn't about to take the advice I got from several professionals and friends which was to euthanize her for her "peeing" behavior. I know most people would have put her outside and then let her fend for herself. I just couldn't do that. She's not a feral bad-ass cat. She is a sweet little skittish cat who just wants her freedom. She'll probably learn fast in the "outside world" to become a bad-ass cat; but, at least for humans, that is part of growing up.

As for me, I'm still learning how to become bad-ass in the outside world. I don't think it's likely that I will ever really be a bad-ass though. I like that I am sensitive and go above and beyond to tend to the welfare of those in my care. (And I know my Mom appreciates that as well; and if not now, she will when she starts having issues with her bladder!)

8:25 PM - 6 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Kitty Saga
Current mood: worried
Category: Pets and Animals

As some of you out there know, I have been dealing with some kitty issues in August. To recap, Mackenzie started peeing in my house (resulting in the loss of my couch, a chair and a futon pillow) and demanding to go outside. So, I made sure all her vaccines were up to date and gave her some AdvantageMulti to protect against the creepy crawlies and let her outside. Here's where the saga continues:

Mackenzie has been living outdoors for two weeks now. She comes the back door in the mornings and evenings for food, love and attention (she still loves to have me pet her).  Her outdoor personality is WAY braver than her indoor one. She seems truly happy.  That's the good news.  The bad news is she stopped coming home for food last Friday morning.  I left food for her Friday and Saturday, but then stopped doing so figuring she found another outdoor home (hopefully) that she preferred.  Monday night, I let Kes and Willow out for a romp and when it was time to call them in, Kes refused to come. Instead she was across the bike path meowing up a storm.  I went down to see what was going on and heard the pathetic little cry of Mackenzie but couldn't see her (of course, Mack always had a pathetic little cry so that shouldn't have worried me as much as it did).  I kept calling her and she would meow but not move. I, of course, pictured an emaciated and bleeding cat since I still couldn't get a visual on her. I tramped through the woods (which I hate doing), got eaten alive by mosquitoes and finally tracked her down to where she had run to--a trailer in an open field where a lot of stray cats hang out (a stray bar?).  She stared at me from under the trailer, looking bright eyed and healthy and seemed to say "I just wanted to say hi and let you know where I was living now".  So, I guess that's where she's living now. Which means I officially have three cats. Which brings me to the other saga: Sappho.
 
Sappho spent last Monday (the 18th) at the vets to find out why there was bright red blood in her stool and why she was crying for what seemed to be "no reason".  After $300 of tests, the doctor sent her home with antibiotics saying "she might have a urinary tract infection."  She seemed to be doing better, but since she pretty much sleeps in one place most of the day anyway it was difficult to tell.  Though she did come upstairs once or twice (once to have a fecal "accident" in my bathtub). [Side note: it's hard to get mad at a cat who has "accidents" in the bathtub. I mean, there are WAY worse places to have to clean up that sort of a mess.]  

I had gotten a 2 x3' kennel crate which I had hoped to use to confine Mackenzie during the winter months, but thought that if I needed to keep a better eye on what Sappho was doing (litter box and eating-wise that is) I could let her stay there. It is big enough for a small litter pan, food dish, water dish and space for the cat to lie down in a couple of places and turn around to change positions if she wants to. It's not a palace, but it's not a cat carrier either.  Well, Sappho left another fecal surprise in my tub on Tuesday and I found some fecal accidents on the carpets in the basement.  So, I decided it was time for her to hang out full-time in the kennel. She wasn't too happy at first, but seemed to get used it.  Like I said, she spends most of her day sleeping anyway (she's 15 1/2).  Well, she spent a night and day in the kennel. I let her out while I cleaned the litter pan this morning and planned to do the same when I cleaned it out this evening. In fact, I figured since I would be downstairs she could hang outside the kennel so I could watch her.   Well, she came out of the kennel, but kept falling down. Her left leg wasn't supporting her weight. She had vomited (just a little bit) in three different areas in the kennel (including the litter pan which was otherwise empty from "deposits" from her) -- it seemed like typical kitty puke though. She seemed to get better when she tried walking around but she was clearly not doing well with her left leg. She made it to another spot in the basement and lay down. She otherwise seems fine.  I can only conclude that staying in the kennel aggravated something. She has ample room to walk around in there, so I can't understand why her leg would cramp up (if that is infact what is going on). It's been about an hour of her "walking around" outside the kennel (well, sleeping in her favorite spot really) and her left leg still won't support her weight. I checked and she can move her left leg and even push against my hand with it. She doesn't like me to touch it, but she doesn't cry out in pain either.  Maybe the incontinence and the leg thing are related? Maybe it also has something to do with the bright, red blood in her stool? I feel so stuck since I really can't afford hundreds of dollars of tests for the vet to tell me he doesn't know what's wrong.  (He did a full blood work up and all sorts of things last Monday--there was one result that was elevated which is why he thought it was the kidneys, but it didn't seem like much since the other tests which "verify" kidney disease were all fine.) I can't keep her in the kennel tonight. It may simply be a causal relationship between the kennel and her leg issue, but I can't risk that it was the one that caused the other.  Hopefully she will be better in the morning and I won't have to clean up any more surprises.  I am going to do some research online and hope that things are better in the morning (or, I hate to say it, if it is her time to go, that it happens peacefully in her sleep).

This has been a crappy few weeks as far as kitty issues go. I really, really do not want to lose two kitties in August. I am still hoping that Sappho rallies and will continue to live a decent life with me for years to come.  I can assure you though, if she does go gently into that good night, I am not getting another cat. I still have two more (Kes and Willow); and that will be it.


UPDATE:  Sappho's right and left legs are now not fully supporting her weight, but she lets me touch both of them with no complaint.  After doing some research online, I am guessing that dehydration may be playing a part in the leg weakness.  For some reason she didn't drink much of her water today. I gave her some wet food and two new bowls of water downstairs (one plastic bowl and one glass bowl--maybe she has a preference).  She snarfed down the gravy from the wet food along with some of the chunky bits.  She still didn't touch the water though.  Aside from not wanting to move much (and obviously having trouble doing so) she seems fine. She's responsive to me and lets me pet her. She's purring and I am hoping that is because I am down there with her rather than from her being in pain.

Update: Today at 12.15 pm the vet had to put Sappho to sleep. She had lost functionality in both her hind legs, lost bladder control and was generally not happy. The vet said it might have been a tumor or a bad disc that was causing the neurological symptoms and that even with a ton of expensive tests, the end result would be that she probably would never regain full bladder or motor control.  It was a hard decision to make, but I think it was the right one.  She had 15 happy years with me. I will miss her dearly. As I miss her sister Mackenzie, who, thankfully, is at least alive and well and just refusing to come home. So now I am down to two cats: Willow and Kes.  They may not be happy with me in the next few days since I will be keeping them indoors "just in case" and to keep them close to their Mum who needs some extra TLC right now. 

10:04 PM - 5 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

outdoor indoor cat
Category: Writing and Poetry

Another in a series of poems about Mackenzie who has decided she doesn't want to live indoors anymore. (BTW, does anyone have a barn for an outdoor-only cat? Winter is coming and I don't have a place for her to keep warm outdoors.)  


outdoor indoor cat

in the tree line
amidst the slate
which marks where
a garden once was
she sits camouflaged
paws tucked underneath
eyes closed contentedly
nose high sniffing
the air for danger
each breeze that
ruffles her whiskers
brings a status report
from her new home

ltv
8/17/08

4:37 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Note from a Poet’s Cat & other poems
Current mood: exhausted
Category: Writing and Poetry

As always, Thursday was the Florence Poets Society Meeting and I quickly jotted down a poem so as not to have to recycle any of my older stuff.  I wrote these two little bits which reflect the current issue in my life.  The third poem was written in response to a poem that was read at the poetry meeting. It felt as if I was channeling the poem, I simply had to write it right then and there. I don't have a title for it now (well, at least not one that isn't trite).


Note from the Poet's Cat

Communication
when done right
brings awareness
shows all the light

but if it's stunted
not complete
all my tactics
I must repeat

and if it breaks down
no hope there
all that's left --
pee on the chair

ltv



Kitty doesn't care
that Mom had to clean a mess
now Kitty goes out

ltv


[untitled]

in the fog of pain
killers pumping
through my veins
I choke -- cough
up this tube
memories of college
suddenly evoked
drinking aftermaths
but that was decades ago
and though my aged body
feels just as bad
aspirin won't fix this
I struggle without
the aid of pure oxygen
my father and I
when I was ten
watched fish that we caught
flop and gasp on the floor
of the rowboat he rented
I watched him die too
like my family
is watching me now
how they can do it -- well
it won't be long at least
already their voices and songs
are getting far away
and it feels better
not to breathe

ltv

5:10 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

What’s in a Name? (Or The Garden Wedding)
Current mood: amused
Category: Writing and Poetry

This is a short something I wrote during a writing group last night. I am procrastinating my novel and the prompt last night was "name dropping".  If anyone has suggestions, I would welcome them.  My dream is to eventually write well enough to hawk my works to magazines and other literary outlets (though I have a ways to go yet before that happens!)


What's in a Name? (Or The Garden Wedding)
by Laura T. Varney

I studied my feet and the surrounding area a while hoping to find both the names the young debutante had just dropped as well as the one I let slip from my mind as she left my company.  Somewhere in the back of my head my inner hippie was fighting the constraints of the tuxedo I had strapped on for the occasion.

"Dude, at least lose the shoes! I mean really, man, look at this grass.  Don't you just want to swim in it?"

I realized I was intently studying the imprints left in the lush greenery instead of mingling with the other wedding guests.  The wedding had been a spectacular affair. Everything perfectly choreographed.  The sun had witnessed the joining of the prominent young couple and was now saying its goodbyes to the clouds and tree line as the guests meandered throughout the grounds.

Perhaps I, too, should exchange pleasantries with a few guests before we were all ushered under the great tents for dinner.  My publicist insisted I attend tonight. "The biggest event of the season" she called it. "Everybody who's anybody will be there." I hated these things. Having come alone I was at a disadvantage and I'm sure my social awkwardness didn't help either.  I was still pondering why I was invited when the bride approached with her mother.

"I'm so pleased you could attend this evening. Truly, it is an honor."

The bride was silent.  I was not entirely confused, but I was certainly perplexed.

"Yes, well. Lovely ceremony. Congratulations, Lydia?" I tried not making that last comment sound like a question but the truth was I didn't know these people.  I had struggled to recall the name from the lavish wedding invitation and now suddenly realized that the mother's name must have also appeared on it and prayed to a god I actually knew didn't exist that I hadn't just congratulated the daughter with her mother's name.

The young woman smiled with a fake demureness and uttered something that could have been "thank you" or "fuck you," though I'm reasonably sure it was the former.  Her mother continued to engage me in conversation.

"So, tell me sir, how did you come up with your crazy ideas?"

"Oh, well, I, what?"

"All those miniature worlds and bizarre rules that make them up. So different from how we all know the real world actually works.  And what was that part I read about outside observers?  I didn't really understand how that worked."

"You read my book?"

"Oh yes. You sound surprised." The woman looked at me oddly. I got the sense that at certain times she wore bifocal reading glasses, though at the moment she wore none.

"Oh, no ma'am. I mean no offense."

"I may look like just another pretty face or wealthy socialite, but I do have other redeeming qualities you know."

"MOTHER!"

"I'm sorry. You're right, dear, I'm being rude to our guest."

"No, not at all. I just. It's just that only a handful of people have ever actually read my book.  Mostly everyone else just reads the reviews or the opinion pieces in the newspapers."

"Well, when I saw I had the opportunity to talk directly to the Quantum Physicist who disproved the existence of a Sentient Creator, I thought it in my best interest to go directly to the source before inviting him to my daughter's wedding.  Obviously, you were on the A-list of invitees; however, I'm not about to invite a famous person to such an important event just because he's famous.  No matter how well known he is. And I must say, there probably isn't a person on the whole planet that doesn't know your name."

"Yes, well, I find that often puts me at a terrible disadvantage, especially given my shortcoming of a bad memory for names. I don't suppose you've written a book, Mrs.…?"

"Davenport. Eve Davenport. And it's Ms again.  We're only together until after this wedding nonsense is over, no offense darling." She patted her daughter on the shoulder then fixed her eyes on me and continued, "Please call me Eve."

"Yes, well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Ms., sorry, Eve."

"Would it be presumptuous of me, Dr. Abraham, if I called you Adam? After all, this is a garden party."  She winked as she said this and I honestly couldn't tell if she was flirting.

ltv

4:42 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

A few new ones
Current mood: tired
Category: Writing and Poetry

I am still working on the novel, but with insomnia comes poetry (at least for me).   


Irony of Pain

nothing is stronger
than a beaten woman's
image of her own
weakness

ltv



Summer Insomnia I

in the dark
of the back yard
green flashes
like tiny stars
coming for a visit

ltv

Summer Insomnia II

rustling brush
unseen paws
foraging first
at the far end
of the trail
then steadily
(as I listen
to the night pass)
it makes its way
down the buffet line

ltv

3:04 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Haiku for You
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Writing and Poetry

Here are some haiku I've written recently.


in the room's stillness
only purring can be heard
together we nap


tormented creatures
moth blocked from reaching the light
screen stops cat's paw too


late night summer storm
a percussive serenade
rumbles me to sleep


the moment you know
that your heart belongs to her
beautiful sadness


as I get closer
anticipating your taste
my tongue parts my lips

ltv

5:12 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Have you got the Time?
Current mood: speculative
Category: speculative Life

Hi Freaks and Geeks (you know I say that with love)!

Sorry I haven't written in a while. There's no excuse really, just some variation of "I haven't the time" or "I haven't the energy". Speaking of time, I wrote a bit about my favorite topic this morning and thought the denizens of the net might be interested in picking apart my thoughts on time travel.  Keep in mind that all I know about time travel I learned by watching sci-fi programs, so keep the biting criticisms to a gentle minimum. I know this all may be rubbish, but it amuses me and that's what blogging is really all about.  Enjoy!

Why am I obsessed with Time? I suppose one reason is that I tend to be obsessed by a lot of things, but that is an insufficient reason. I know, I mean, I understand, that linear time is an illusion. 6/8/08 10.16am EST only has meaning because in this society we have chosen those symbols to parcel out the moments of our existence in a consistent manner so we can "communicate" effectively with each other. Or some such reasoning like that. We all need to be "on the same page" as it were. The symbols are mile markers, points in space-time to refer back to.  But are they really?  If Time Travel--Past Time Travel, that is--can be accomplished, would it be as easy as dialing up the date and time - or maybe just the year and month? Or would it be tied to something more universal? Life forms throughout the Universe (even many who reside on this planet) do not mark time the way Americans do -- or even as humans do (or should I say "civilized" humans).  Do tribesmen in the Amazon (some who have had the benefit of not having contact with "civilized humans") know what June 8th 2008 is? Or do they see it as the 160th day of the year -- even that is contrived. Perhaps it is simply another day in a certain season -- planting, harvesting -- another way of marking the passing of time. A communal understanding of "WHEN".

So back to Past Time Travel.  How would our minds or our technology be able to navigate back in time? We would need to discover the mechanism of manipulating space-time. I think the wormhole theory may apply, but without any major headway into how they can form (especially in light of the fact that none that we know of have ever been found).  So the first step is finding a naturally occurring wormhole.  Question One: Do wormholes form naturally or by their very nature are they anomalies caused by something else?  It is analogous to the difference between a corridor in a building leading from room to room and the destruction of a wall to "shorten" the trip.  Would creating a wormhole destroy a section of space-time. And, more importantly, would the destruction be irreparable?  To attempt to create a wormhole without understanding their nature and relation to space-time would be irresponsible (although, it would also be distinctly human to do so).

The task of ripping the fabric of space-time seems to rely on figuring out, if not what it is made of, at least what can cause it to unravel.  If we know that an acid can dissolve a structure, does it matter if the structure is made of steel or wood or something other substance? I think the answer is "yes".  Knowing how to destroy something is only one side of the equation. A side humans generally prefer to be on if you look at our stance on other things such as the Environment.  We are exceedingly skilled at destroying, yet we fail at the much more difficult task of creating or re-creating.  It's not enough for our survival to focus only on how to destroy -- the better we get at that, the more likely we are to destroy ourselves. So what does this have to do with Past Time Travel?  Perhaps everything.  What happens if we do discover how to tear into space-time and go back to the past? With our current skill set all we will accomplish is bringing about our own destruction faster. Look what happened when we figured out how to split atoms.  Did we create a power source that enabled us to safely, cleanly and inexpensively provide power to our planet (thus ending our reliance on primitive fossil fuels)?  Not quite. First we built a bomb. Then we have mismanaged power plants so that they are doing, in some cases, more harm than good.

I think the bottom line is that humans cannot be trusted with our own cleverness. I am obsessed with time (as is, perhaps, the bulk of the "civilized" world) because I know there isn't much of it left -largely because of our own actions. Perhaps we want to find a way to go back and undo the damage we know we have done. Instead we should focus on creative, new solutions to the problems we face. Seriously, if someone can imagine the concept and mechanisms of Past Time Travel, why can't we also imagine a more peaceful, balanced way of living on this planet?  Oh wait, people already have. I guess putting those ideals into practice is not as fun as destroying things. 

9:20 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment