the subject is love, but there is no title.

Do you ever just wish your heart would stop healing? Sometimes?

Weird concept, but it’s like healing a broken arm only to break it again? Do I sound frustrated? I am. Ha. But I can’t be the ONLY person in this wide wide world that wished that at least once in their life. Don’t get me wrong! I’m not about to jump off a cliff  -there aren’t any readily available, but when it hurts just a little too much this time or you ask didn’t I already deal with this?
Speaking for myself(since that’s all I can do), I’ve been through alot. My best friends know  exactly the things and events i’m talking about- if not totally, than the parts i’ve been able to talk about. Some of it’s just life, well...it’s ALL life- haha. But some instances are like moments you read about in a book or see on TV. Beautiful, horrible, tragic.
I get that hope is great and good etc etc, and "time heals all wounds"...
Really though? I can’t help but think after this past...year really, that everything I’ve been through is a joke. THe pain and anger and forgivness- all of it- to hell and back. Finally came to place where i felt stronger for it. Apreciated the hardship. I grew. And hoped. and accepted.
ANd then something else comes along and it’s like missing a step and crashing down a flight of stairs- painful and unexpected.
It’s amazing how many different ways a heart can break.
Sometimes right in two, or a thousand little peices or it just stops, freezes. Maybe just a tiny twinge like a splinter... Why is it that the people you love are the ones who hurt you the most. Inadvertantly or on purpose? I couldn’t care less what a stranger or aquaintance did or said, but friends? family? the one you love? shouldn’t it be these people who try hardest NOT to hurt you?
Why do you love somebody if you know they are going to hurt you- again and again? When you are looking them in the eyes and know they are lying the same lie. Does it hurt more each time or not so much? When another person you love or friend dies does it get easier each time?

Cancer? The longest and saddest goodbye.
HIV? wondering if you’ll see me turn 25? This cold? that sneeze? you’re a little skinnier? Do i worry about you? yes. the answer is always yes.
Divorce? Don’t get me started...
When someone you love doesn’t love you anymore? Is that when you stop loving them back?
The answer is no. Even at the hardest of times it was my love, not anger or grief that heightened these emotions. The darkness, isolation, suffication. To angry to pray. Not wanting to hear any of what i needed to. Refusing to forgive or let go.
How do you move on when you’ve given all of your heart? Not even realizing until it’s too late.
Hate someone who knows you completely? Give me an answer to that and i’ll buy you a car for everyday of the week.

It took many different and hard lessons. here is the ONLY answer i have. The only one i’ve learned to live with anyway...

No. I keep loving. Even when i have tried every way not to. When it hurts more than anything. When you can’t feel anything at all. I am just a human, I only see my life and it’s happenings in a single linear direction. Whereas the perfect example of love, loving beyond all reason- Jesus Christ, was himself perfect, he saw all things, ALL things from begining to end and didn’t throw a fit the way i do. He never pointed out the unfair nature of life. He only did what he had to do- Love.

So i will love. Even when I don’t want to. I will hope. Even when I am afraid to.
I will forgive, that I may be forgiven.

If you read this entire blog through all the rambling, I give YOU TEN kudos.
Now I’m done.
Love,
Krystle

1:53 AM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Emi
Current mood: sad

There's a pain in my head

And blood in my mouth

Brushed to hard and one cigarette to many

There's an ache in my heart

And a hole the size of a child

Laying without sleep

Longing not for the embrace of a lover

But for one I love

Grow and be merry, princess

Live and be blessed, angel

Laugh, good minder

Dance, my helper

Be tough, lovey

Do the polka and dream only good dreams, baby love

Be good for your mommy

Ask for another glass of chocolate milk- tell them I said it's ok.

Don't miss me even half as much as I you.

I couldn't bear you being soo sad.

Found the tear I prayed for.

Careful what you wish for.

You are my sunshine.

Love always

To the moon

And back

Your krystle

Currently listening : O By Damien Rice Release date: 10 June, 2003

2:00 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Annie's 22nd
Current mood: excited

ok.
so.
it's coming.
what? you might ask?
only the sickest birthday ever!!!
and it's not even mine! i don't really do much for mine actually, but for my girls...You know it's going to be amazing. ridiculously amazing. All this planning
(by that i mean money-lol) is going to pay off- in a big way!

Friday is going to be Epic. dinner drinks and dancing with the coolest people on this earth MY GIRLS! are coming to hanford!!! To our stomping grounds(the bastille).

somebody call the fire department!!!
we MAY get thrown out far before last call...but see, that my friends- is what hotels are for. 

the most amazing family and friends will be here in 3 days!

What can i say. If im in charge of making sure this Birthday's better than her last- than damnit im going to make sure it's not only better but the BEST!

ps. im taking bets on who gets
a) cut off first---jess)
b) thrown out first--- Tim
c)Naked first--- hmmm
D) yaks first---haha, if you all unanimously vote for me i WILL be crabby 
E)arrested or talks there way out of it-ahahaha none of us have talked our way out of it...
F) leaves because they are offeneded,  frightened, embarrased or all of the above? ---Our dates and/or Anyone who isn't a nunez or ramirez with the exception of Tina.because honestly- she's in whether she likes it or not.
.
.
.
X)makes out with a random stranger ---annie ( you happy?)
Y) walk off drunk in some random direction/street/alley/parkinglot---Jen
Z)belligerent or angry ---my money's on Catherine for the girls & Ernie for the guys.
let the games- i mean...party -begin.

happy birthday to aaannnniiieee, happy birthday toooo aaanniieeee.......

2:58 PM - 4 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Christmas Decorating Dilemna
Current mood: blah

I baked lots of cookies...lol
& accomplished absolutely nothing else.
I was actually supposed to decorate the tree- dress the front window... make hot chocolate-- in short cultivate an overall feeling of Christmas cheer...and i tried!!! Lord, did i try.... Jen dragged out all the x-mass gear out from under my bed, i pretended like i didn't know what she was doing... she started setting everything out...i went about my business of finally hanging up clothes in my newly organized closet... she Then came in there & verbally asked me to help her . And i couldn't refuse because A) I love Christmas & B) that would make me the Grinch. And we already have one Grinch currently residing in home.
So i go out there & tell them how i go about decorating- what goes on the tree, on the window, on the shelves and why etc etc... So it's totally depressing and we have no enthusiasm...the only one excited is Emi and she's 3 and can't touch half the ornaments and cant reach 3/4 of the tree...SO.
I put on Good ole charlie brown x-mass soundtrack...and that improved matters a great deal. Then i start baking cookies .Chocolate.Chip. and that's on the right track. But i started cleaning the kitchen and did less decorating, then it was Emi's bedtime and Angelo called :) and then afterword Private Practice came on ABC and somehow the tree only has lights, a few gold sprigs of twisty tree branches, and a hand full of ornaments that aren't even supposed to go on the tree...but hey, I tried...

Currently listening : A Charlie Brown Christmas Release date: 12 September, 2000

11:45 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Another Day another whole in my head
Current mood: indifferent

I'm not as strong as you think I am.
Because I'm only as strong as you think I am.
Greatest protection, greatest flaw.
"You're tough." Too tough to cry.
At the end of the day that's my prayer,
Just one tear.
Does that make my strength a lie?
Always making it easier on everyone else.
Think you didn't hurt me. But you did.
You didn't "get" me. But did I win?
And there's the rub.  Because I'd like to give all of me.
To break down instead of break up.
To be held instead of hold back.
Still praying for just one.
But it won't come. Eyes dry and wondering why.
Maddening.
Shouldn't it hurt more or not so much?
Don't look back. Leave the baggage and cut the ties.
Bittersweet. Ties that bind. But now I can't breathe.
If  I'm constantly wondering is that right? Am I wrong?
When the reassurance i had broken and gone.
Finally ready.
Waiting, didn't know it. But for how long?
Someone said there's beauty in the breakdown.
I wouldn't know.
Keep it together, keep it in.
Because there isn't a someone to help put me together again.
And I'm too tired.

Currently listening : Love Song By Sara Bareilles

11:46 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

high school

prom? what tha???
niki gave the best speech @ grad.
how about when jason crashed his monster truck onto some poor unsuspecting soul.lol!
or...running shirtless to starbucks in the rain? when we were supposed to be in class.
attendance loophole allowing us even more "free time"
crews was hot. I don't care WHAT they say.
randy's
lighting the x-mas tree on fire [ERIC]
Preston jumping off the roof even whe i TOLD him not to
Kristin streaking on halloween. And Davis just shakes his head at ME- like it was MY fault that my bf is a nudist- geez.
Sammy graduated EARLY?! What the?
chalking dead bodies all over campus the day before school started
soccer practice in the rain: king of the hill:
whites, with bright purple underwear. Yes i did.
losing valley in overtime and pk's. 2nd place...lets just not think about that.
3 am taco truck runs
330 am cleaning vomit out of the car- serioulsy? seriously.
river = illegal fireworks, floating , tanning, wakeboarding aka floating.
car surfing.
"and remember students, the campus is NOT a free way" -says...you?
freshman initiation. what goes around comes around...lol
"you are like a genius. Like, but you are not." -Demaris
when matt drove home from pine flat and lost his phone while peeing on the side of the road...LOL!

towing the boat.
when ben wanted to be kristin-hahaha!
lunch at ashley's
the tornado/ pizza/lightning/sitting around waiting for our clothes to get out of the dryer before going back to class.
THE LIST [elise, diane, kristin, krystle]
jordans party at the river that got massively busted... and chelsea totally freaked out.

Reedley? NEVER do THAT again...lol
umm..simon house- 4th of july light saber battles with fireworks
diane crashing elise truck on simon's bridge
commando around town
car wars!
lock-ins WAY back in the day...
the rides to away games.
the ride BACK from away  games- LOL
spring break- mexico!
nebraska boys...
"so BOTH of your names are Jay???" -LOL
superman.

1:19 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Honestly
Current mood: chipper

I am a list person. I love lists.
I wish i had time to watch movies.
I hate compliments period[.]
My handwriting goes in and out of cursive.
When I jogg, I run through peoples' sprinklers. Probably yours.
Even if I like you I probably won't call.
I want to dissappear under the blankets.
I read. THAT'S why I'm smarter than you.
I'm not 1/2 as arrogant as I sound.
What EVER happens in El Centro
Stays in El Centro. Or u can swim home.
NEVER cutting my hair EVER again. EVER.
Baseball uniforms are amazing. So are the Dodgers.
S'MORE SALAD -my creation/gift to the universe.
I smile harder when I'm sad.
Love kids, hate being called kid.
Showers:super hot or cold. None of this inbetween crap.
I HATE talking on the phone.
Text messaging is the JAM.
I hate being called gorgeous.
Love being Single.
My vocabulary is extensive-haha.
I am the most outgoing introvert to date.
and a very mean/compassionate person.
I smoke cigarettes while I do Yoga.
Scary movies ASCARE me.
I wish i were a better friend.
I miss soccer everyday.
My family is hilariously morbid.
I love drinking coffee at night.
I have the silent treatment down to an art.
I love firemen and baseball players.
When i argue or fight- i don't yell. ever.
But you'll probably wish i'd done that instead.
I am a closet computer geek[no longer].
sleep+nakedness=me.
i LOVE naps. LOVE. NAPS.
I miss kingsburg-only b/c i could run at 11pm-and feel safe.
I am my biggest dissapointment.
Most of the time- I DON'T CARE.
which is why i'm easy to get along with.
Lately i live off of yogurt and string cheese.
My laugh is [probably] evil.
Tea from a kettle is so much better than anything else.
i still curse my genes. i was robbed i say. robbed.
i love jeans. jeans>shorts.jeans>dresses.jeans>skirts.jeans are greater.
EVERYONE is a hypocrite. get under it. get over it.
I only regret hurting the people i love. Everything else i've accepted.
one song has made me weep. no, i'm not saying which.
Keg Stand? ....never do THAT again...
"Geez... it stinks like an ANGELS fan in here!"
i won't be surprised if i end up alone.
because i am neurotic- case in point: this entire blog.

Currently watching : Under the Tuscan Sun (Widescreen Edition) Release date: 03 February, 2004

1:26 AM - 5 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

The only thing you'll ever need to know about me
Current mood: loved

I have decided...Absolutley nothing.

But am rethinking everything

Except God

And how great and good his love and mercy is.

I once heard that we Christians are stupid. Stupid to "make up" a God, and faith, and religion that is narrow, and negative, and makes everyone bad and unworthy.

I don't know how long ago I heard this, but I never really thought about it until yesterday. But isn't that how it always is? We do our own thing until life gets rough, then run to God. Expecting...What?

My answer to this "Stupid Faith, Stupid Christian" Theory is this:

Better to feel unworthy than to feel empty.

Better to plan for a beautiful eternity than worry about this life.

Better to depend on Him than to be dissapointed by others.

Better to have a goal than to always be searching.

Better to be saved than lost and alone.

Better to have faith in an ocean of doubts.

Better to hope than despair.

Better to love and be loved.

I haven't decided anything new or revolutionary(He's always been there), I'm just more sure than I've ever been.

8:13 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Things I miss (no particular order)

Ditching w/ Kara and Kristin

When it was "Krystle, Kristin, Kara & Ashley"

Diane and me, soccer at camp.

Summer at the river.

when we had list-offs in Spanish

when Kam liked Lady & the Tramp

When Mouse played soccer

Sunday Nights

Dodge Ball & Devil Angel Person

Mexico- the old team/ Banjo Patrol

Paul & Starbucks outings

The front porch

Sunshine Bicycle Gang

Marcel

Patches

when Justin had curly hair

When Dad had hair period.

lol- when we didn't abreviate everything.

my mom

Currently listening : The Black Parade By My Chemical Romance Release date: 24 October, 2006

4:38 PM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment