10 years ... and yet it seems like yesterday
Current mood: sad
Category: 8 years and counting Life

Today is your day.

9:48 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Thoughts of a 6 am shower
Current mood: inspired
Category: Blah Blah Blah fucking Blah Writing and Poetry

It started swirling through my head at 6 am this morning as I sat on the front porch smoking a cigarette as raindrops from the moring rain slipped between my toes.

I

Am

A

Complicated

Simple person.

What exactley does that mean.  It means exactley what it says.  So many of us claim to be simple people.  And I am that, I love the simple things in life like rain slipping between your toes at 6 am as the ember burns down your cigarette.

This is me in a nutshell. 

I believe in the greater good of human kind.  naive .. possibly .. idealistic definatley.  I also bevile that some people would take advantage of any situation they could. 

I believe in love at first sight .. but I also believe it is fueled by chemical reactions that fire in the brain and develop into something stronger.

I believe in polite actions and being up front an honest with people.  I believe in doing what you say and saying what you mean.

I believe that one day ... good things are going to happen.  Mainly because I have to believe that.

I am a spiritual person but you will not find me in the pew next to you at church on Sunday.  Coming from a Catholic family that reverted to Lutherens I and later attending 7 - 8 different sects of the christian religions houses of worship I can honestly say ... the faith .. doesn't mean shit .. there are hypocrites everywhere.

I grew up in and out of foster care .... in and out of CRAZY situations in my home life ... and came away with the answer that an abusive/neglective parent that loves you is far better than a parent who sees you as the numbers behind a paycheck.

In my life I have survived just about every horror you can imagine.  From seeing ym bestfriends mother shot in the face by her husband ... to curing up in shadowed corners at night to avoid the boogey man ... and strived to make a difference .. a change.

I was a "therepudic patient" for 14 years of my life.  After 14 years with no more severe diagnosis than Obsessive Compulsive Disorder .. and ADHD I was released from psychiatric care with a clean bill of health .. pat on the back .. and sigh of relief .. because I was one of the "lucky ones"

"He's a walking contradiction,

partly truth and partly fiction,

taking every wrong direction,

On his lonly way back home ..."

My mother used to sing that song to me all the time, I don't suppose it was any easier for her to watch her daughter growing up and struggling to find some normalcy in a world she knew was far from normal.

Wanna know the ugly about me?? Just ask ... I have nothing to hide from anyone. I am okay with my mistakes, comfortable with my regrets and can honestly say I am a better person because of them.  I do not blame the way I was ... or am .. on how I grew up but I am sure some of it was a contributing factor.

I don't like rude people, but I cherish honesty. 

Music and writing are essential to my daily life.

My family is the most important thing to me.

I have survived more trials and tests of faith than anyone deserves, but I understand it is not as bad as it could have been.

I am angry about the "me" mentality our world lives in.

Everything I own fits in one truck.

I own a car.

I am a smoker, a drinker, and a vagabond because I enjoy these things.

I am the most mentally compilicated person you will ever meet, and socially simple.

I can argue with myself easily. and I do.

I want to love and be loved, but the idea of it scares the shit out of me.

I am one of the most loyal, romantic, and loving people you will ever meet.  If you take the time to find it out.

I would give my life for my best friends.

Chris, BJ, Keely, Cassie.

I would give my last dollar to feed a homeless person.

I will get in your face and yell at you if I think your wrong.

I will leave you notes in random places.

If I love you once ... I will love you forever, even if not in the same way.

I like men who are cocky.

I am very shy, even though it doesn't seem like it.

On dates with guys I like I am confident, on dates with guys I am interested in I am nervous ... and it shows.

I am a quiet blabber mouth, a broken firecracker, an unpredictable mess. But all the more beautiful because of it.

I am kinky.

I don't believe in casual sex , I have done it, but somehow it just doesn't ever do the trick.

I am intelligent, and according to others, far more than I let on.  Though I am not sure I agree.

I am chubby, but I don't have to be, it is a screening process.

I can be your best friend, but I can also be your worst enemy.

This is me .. take it or leave it ... like it or not.  Make me laugh .. make me smile .. give me the troubles that weigh you down .. and my world and the way I see it .. will be yours as well.

So take a chance .. get to know me ..

don't try to figure me out .. it will never happen and you'll always be wrong.

If it's not your thing ... well .. it takes all types doesn't it ; - ) 

Till next Time

~Vada

Currently listening : We Were Here By Joshua Radin Release date: 2006-06-13

8:10 AM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Gotta Love The Beatles
Category: Music

5:14 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Chasing Rainbows
Current mood: romantic
Category: Writing and Poetry

Her heart was keeping rythum with the slapping of her feet on the wet pavement.  To her left the river was running smoothly and streetlights danced off miniture waves.  A line of business to her right that she glanced in as the rolled past.  The excitment just short of unbearable as she caught site of him standing beneath the street lamp two blocks up.

Taller than she and yet unimposing he stood leaned up against the pole, his fingers fidgeting with one another as he watched her through half closed eyes and bent head. Her heart suddenly caught in her throat as he came into full view.  Beautiful curly hair switrling around the crown of his head.  Long slender body with muscles bunched.  From what? Anticipation? Nerves?

As she approached she slowed to a strolling pace.  A mixture of smoky blues pouring from the nightclub that was just pickig up steam.  Straight from some made for tv movie as approached the light.  Without thinking twice, without any hestiation she takes the last five steps to snake her arms around his waist and lay her face on his chest. Breathing in the sweet mixture of his cologne and her perfume she closes her eyes and lets it take her back.

The tension in his body reaching nearly a breaking point before releasing as she feels his strong arms follow her lead.  The impression of his mouth to her head and a slowly released breath.  Each yet to say anything, just hanging desperatly onto this connection.  This smell, the way her head is cradled perfectly into the base of his neck, resting on his chest.

What seemed like hours later she leans her head back, desperatly trying to keep the misty film out of her eyes as she looks into his face.  How long had it been? Since she had seen those soft brown eyes peering down into hers with all the fire of smoldering coal embers.  How long since she had been able to look into his face, just inches from her own.  It seemed as though time was just standing still, nowehere to be and no one more important than this moment here.

As a smile lights up his face she can feel her own muscles tugging in all directions.  The stroke of his hand down her long chestnut hair sends shivers down her spine and breifly she closes her eyes to enjoy the moment.  She had missed that in the years gone past.  That feeling of excitment that builds from the belly up sending fire shooting through her veins.  Color to her cheeks and her legs as weak as the limpest noodle. Shivering slightly she opens her eyes to the laughter in his.  Above their heads the street light starts to flicker, as if the charge from them coming together has cancelled out the power companies supply.

Finally smiling and allowing the giddy feeling to overcome her she giggles. she takes a deep breath as twin flames dance through her eyes.

"Its been to long, far too long,"

Reaching down to cradle her angular face in his palms he stares into her eyes.  As the tears start to well he slowly leans down the breath pouring hot and sweet form his lips upon her ear, causing more shivers of excitment to course through her body as the gut clenches into tighter knots.

"Welcome home ... my Firecracker Princess ...."

Relief flooding through her as he wraps one arm around her shoulders, pulling her into his side.  Planting a kiss firmly on the side of her forehead they walk.  Lights dancing off of the river like stars out for their midnight swim.  The smoke pouring from the speakeasy being left behind in their wake as she strolls forward, slender arms wrapped tightly around his waste. One last glance into his face and like a silent film the words "The End" flash across the movie screen in her mind.  She was finally ... back home.

9:21 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Stuck ...
Current mood: lonely
Category: Romance and Relationships

On this idea, emotion.  This sensation of devotion that locked itself in the front frame of my memory.  I feel stupid as I watch the pages fly by, the days decend into repeated nights, me here on my own, you there, by her side.

It is weird indeed for me to be in this place and scary as well. Where my heart is stuck in my throat and when the other speaks all I hear are bells.  I wish I could dislodge the chip the trip in my logical rationality.  The moment you placed your hand in my hair, the electric flair, and the butterflies that are still there.

I am scared because I want you here not there.  I want to stand face to face with you and see that smile stretch a mile wide.  See the way your head tilts sideways and you eyes slide .... into tommorrow.

This is me ....

waiting for you ....

1:36 AM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

The Color Test
Current mood: shocked
Category: Blogging

Vada's Existing Situation

Orderly, methodical, and self-contained. Needs the respect, recognition, and understanding of those close to him.

Vada's Stress Sources

Wishes to be independent, unhampered, and free from any limitation or restriction, other than those which she imposes of herself or by her own choice and decision.

Vada's Restrained Characteristics

Willing to participate and to allow herself to become involved, but tries to fend off conflict and disturbance in order to reduce tension.

Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left her listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied him.

Very exacting in the standards she applies to her choice of a partner and seeking a rather unrealistic perfection in her sex life.

Vada's Desired Objective

Wants to make a favorable impression and be rewarded as a special personality. Is therefore constantly on the watch to see whether she is succeeding in this and how others are reacting to her. this makes her feel that she is in control. Uses tactics cleverly in order to obtain influence and special recognition. Susceptible to the esthetic or original.

Vada's Actual Problem

Seeks to avoid criticism and to prevent restriction of her freedom to act, and to decide for herself by the exercise of great personal charm in her dealings with others.

8:15 PM - 1 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Take a Minute Too...
Current mood: blessed
Category: Life

Listen to the story of the "little guy" ...

The single mother who works 10 - 16 hours to put food on the table of her children. Who was once married or in a commited relationship and never imagined having to provide two incomes from one person.

The husband who breaks his body down to provide for his ill wife and children. The single guy who works just to make ends meet.

The powerless the forgotten.

The mother who sends her children to daycare on her one day off to spend with them so that she can go spend the day arguing with buerocrats about whether her children have the right to have medical care and food on their table when her two minimum wage jobs cannot provide ti for them. Because having the legally mandated insurance on her car is a luxery, that if forgone .. would enable her to put food on her table.

The family who pays 900 a month to live in a two bedroom apartment with rats crawling through the walls and on their children's faces in the middle of the night. Lead based paint peeling off the walls into their newborns lungs.

And tell them ... they don't deserve better. Tell them ... they don't work hard enough, tell them .... they should have done better for themselves.

Take a moment to think of all the things in your home. Take a moment to think of the car you drive, the food you eat , the clothes on your back. And think about those who provide them for you. Those who do the jobs no one else will.

"I would be better off if I just quit my job and lived off welfare."

" If I left my husband and depended on the state my life would be so much easier"

"It isn't my place to pay for those that aren't willing to do for themselves"

"Why should I give up my hard earned money to pay for someone who doesn't work as hard as I do"

These are statements I hear day in and day out. But who makes those jobs possible. Your office. The furniture, the computers, the tools. Who is it that makes it possible? The little guys.

The factory worker monitoring that machine to make sure it turns out usable product. Who pours their heart soul and sweat for a little more than 10 dollars an hour to start.

The packager who makes sure it won't break on the way.

The waitress who makes less than five dollars an hour to assure your food and drinks come to you the way you want them to. Who takes the flack and the pay cut when your food arrives 20 minutes later than you expected. When in reality it is the cooks who make an average of 3 to four dollars more than they themselves.

The cooks preparing that very same food for hundreds of people simutaneously.

The gardener who plants the flowers that the landscaper puts in the lawn of your house that you buy to make it look perfect.

The construction worker who sits in the hot sun day in and day out from sunrise to sunset to make sure that when your family moves into that house, it is safe for you to inhabit.

The farmer who spends his whole year planting, cultivating, and raising the food that you eat every night, swallowing any losses himself.

The miners who put theirs lives at risk to provide you with the coal to heat your homes, the jewels and metals to form the jewelry you wear.

The cashier at your local department store who gets paid 1/8 per hour of what it costs to buy the jeans you have on the counter. The person who spent 8 - 10 hours in front of an industrial sewing machine to make them. The person who spent 12 hours watching a weaving machine produce the material it is made out of. Unraveling wool and cotton threads risking life and limb to change spools of the same materials.

The person producing and then packaging the very same materials used to save your lives in hospitals.

The Chemists who discover and create the medications that keep you alive, having attended 8 years of college to come out and barley make enough money to pay the loans they had to take out to have the priviledge of keeping you alive longer.

The CNA's who make 8 an hour to take care of your family members when they can't care for themselves. The school teachers who make the same to prepare your children for the world.

Your neighbor, your sister, your brother.

Take a moment. Think about what would happen if all of THESE people held out for 48 hours. If every single blue collar worker in this country decided for 48 hours, that .. they weren't going to do it anymore. That they want more guarentees, they want better healthcare for their children. that they want assurance that they won't lose their house... that they never have to choose between the next pair of shoes for their children, their light bill, and putting food in their stomachs.

We aren't even talking about new cars and TV's here. We are talking about basic human needs. Take a moment and really think about the damage it would do to our economy if every one of these people decided they had had enough of a country and goverment that treat them as lesser people and citizens.

Most of these jobs average less than 35,000 in the first five years of employment .. some areas in the first 10 years.

Think about the effect it would have if they decided they had had enough .. and then tell them .. they don't deserve the same securities for their children. Tell them - those who do this day in and day out with no thanks, no appreciation. no sick days .. no vacations .. no company provided 401Ks no affordable health insurance .. yet over the income limits for state assistance.

Jobs where there is no calling in sick because your children are sick. There is only .. do I keep my job .. or do I leave my child with a stranger. Tell them they aren't worth it. That they are less than you ... that they don't deserve the basic human needs .. the basic human comforts as much as you deserve that brand new car .. big screen tv .. pool in your back yard.

There is a choice ...

It has been proven .. that people who cannot afford it .. give more charitably .. than those who can. The less you have .. the more you give ...

On Sunday's people tith 10% of their income to their church ... to keep the church beautiful for worship .. to provide income for missionaries to spread the word of their gospel to other countries. To make themselves feel better.

Yet when you ask them to give .. 20 dollars .. to the policeman's fund .. To the fire departments that are run off volenteers ... To the salvation army .. to the shriners club .. You have to offer incentives .. and even then you get more hang ups and doors slammed in your faces than you get donations.

Take a minute .. to think ....

and choose ...

To be a part of the solution ...

Or the problem ...

10:04 AM - 3 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

stuff .... it always gets jumbled.
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Romance and Relationships

Last night was a night for remebering. The way things were and the way things seemed. From that first drop of the heart fancy flight path .. to the very last tear drop that fell on the welcome mat. Smiles and tears mixed in a cocktail of confrontation and final forgivness and release.

As the door was opened and the days flooded back I could remeber .. what it felt like .. to fly. To stand on the door to tommorrow with the sun blinding my eye.

Can you remeber our parting gift. to the ladies who cleaned our rooms so many times before. A little note left in a tote of party favors on the floor?

Running through the airport .. violin cases banging at our sides. Neither knew how to play .. they were just one more thing we hid our memories behind. Last minute luggage banging as we ran threw halls where the smoke was hanging .. to spread our apologies to all on board. Even though it wasn’t our fault ..

that our original flight

departed before ...

We were due to arrive.

Sitting here with nicotine stained fingertips ... and ashes dripping from my lips I can remeber the smell of the first flowers you brought to my door.
"I hope these are okay .. never had to buy them before ... and I wanted you to know .. I was thinking of you long before I walked through the door"
They were sick and wilting and beautiful just the same. Remeber I nursed them back to bueatiful blooms ... and you said I had done the same ... for you.

fear ...

For every scream and yell. There is an afternoon spent in that booth .. drinking margarits over there. The first rainy day drive with the top down ... a tiny purple bic lighter adorned in daisies, that your brought home .. because .. it reminded you of me. Plans for trips to the shore ... last minute midnight visits to that fancy lingere store.

Where it all changed .. I’m still not sure. One night we were curled on the couch .. leg in leg ... buying things for a virtual world. The next it seemed were curled up on the floor watching movies .. tyring to get back what we had before.

I remeber shin boxing .. landing on the floor. Scared you broke my ankle .. you were there before I weeped my first tear that was lost amoung the laughter .. a bruise that lasted a week .. and limping trees.

Doggie dancing .. and impromptu videos .. "making love on the living room floor with noise in the background of a televised war"

But it all ended one faitful night. Me sitting on the bottom step .. of the bottom floor. Dissalusioned .. broken .. sobbing. A dejected set to a once proud head .. pulling out that suitcase one last time .. setting it on what was once our bed. And giving into the monsters in your head.

12 hours and thirty days ... lost trying to find my way through the maze that was our happily never after. Ideas and visions .. that set a standard for the one who came after.

It’s not over .. not yet. One day you will be well .. you will look back and be able to tell .. the real me .. from what your mind is making you see.

And so that day has come .. when the mistakes of the past are coming undone. Long conversations ... repeated apology. The past is the past they say ... and better left where it’s memories lay. Forgivness is a virtue .. and you know .. I never for a minute hated you.

But my heart is kept behind a shield of steele .. to protect the glass casing that holds it together still. Walk down dark and stormy paths I see .. where the you in the we ... changed vital parts of me.

You knew me better than I knew myself ...

So ... tell me ... what has changed?

1:29 PM - 1 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Silly blog game .. just bevcause .. I am desperatley trying this "productive writing" thing.
Current mood: cooky/wacky
Category: Blogging

Leave your name in my blog comments. Once you do that, this is what I’ll do ...

1. I’ll respond with something random about you.
2. I’ll tell you which song or movie you remind me of.
3. I’ll pick a kind of alcoholic beverage to share with you.
4. I’ll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
(if possible. if not, I’ll say something that only makes sense to me.)
5. I’ll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I’ll ask you something I’ve always wondered about you.
8. If you play, you MUST post this on your blog.

10:04 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Some Advice For my Male Readers (females should read to ... very LOL)
Current mood: bouncy
Category: Romance and Relationships

So I found myself purusing online articles today and saw these too.  Curiosity got the best of me ... and yeah .. it deserves realding so here we go! Pay special attention to the things that are bold.  They are important .. of course.  And will help give ya a peek at that mysterious girl you thought you could never get a handle on.

Ladies, yes, I know ... I am a traitor.  But you occasionally have to give it up eh ??? lol.

50 Things She Wishes You Knew About Her

1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn’t count.

( I can’t strees this one enough fellas ... cut it out ... if you don’t mean it, don’t say it ... seriously ... she was already naked before you said it!)

2. Real men drive stick shift.

3. I will leave if you lie.

4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).

5. I’m convinced I’m pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.

6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.

(do this one ...  a lot!)

7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.

8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it’s about you.

9. I’m terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.

10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.

11. I expect you to call me.

12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.

13. I’m scared of losing my independence.

14. I’m more forgiving of you than I really should be.

15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.

(however, no offense, this one only counts if your good at it, and not all females are in love with pointy shoes.)

16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I’m not.

17. If I’m not having sex with you, I’m... a.) ...having a fat day. b.) ...not feeling "connected" to you. c.) ...blackmailing you to get something I want.

18. Shoes determine whether you’re fashionable or not.

19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I’m not afraid to use it.

(the artist varies ... the truth ... does not! hahahahaha)

20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.

21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we’re just going to the movies.

22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.

23. You should never tell me what to do.

24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.

25. My breasts love much licking and sucking.

26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.

( again cannot be stressed enough ... don’t send your friend over to tell me YOU think I am cute.)

27. I’m very impressed when you ask for my advice.

28. I’m unimpressed with a man who doesn’t take the lead.

29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.

30. I want to be Madonna.

31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.

32. I’m in heaven when you hold my hand.

33. You’re sexy when you’re shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby

34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.

35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.

36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this

37. If I’m not feeling loved, I will start looking....

38. Discussion of ex-gf’s and ex-bf’s should be avoided at all times.

39. I like it when you tell me what you’re thinking, even if you don’t know yourself.

40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it’s only been a few months, earns major bonus points.

41. I love it when you’re sweaty.

42. It’s best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.

43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.

44. I like porn.

45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.

46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.

47. It’s cheating as soon as you’re doing something with her that you wouldn’t want me to see, hear, read...

48. For the record: I’d rather you break up with me than cheat.

49. I remember everything about our relationship.

50. You should know all this and more without my telling you.

3:28 AM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment