11:51 PM - By popular demand! (two people emailed me) July movie reviews!

Friends!

I wasn't going to review movies in July since I only saw two courtesy of "Netfux":  Where Every Fourth DVD is Cracked in Half.  But since, I was swamped with an email:

"Rambo":  Why?  Really?  Remember how Stallone's "Rocky V" sucked and "Rocky Balboa" was good and should have been the real ending to the series?  Well, "Rambo" is the "Rocky V" of the "Rambo" series.  Without question, the bloodiest, violentest, disturbingest, gratuitoustest, movie I've ever seen (see: "Robocop" series).  I think Stallone had four pages of dialogue, tops.  I was actually laughing at how over the top the violence was.  But it was about an hour and a half and it was either that or watch a special "two hour 'House of Payne'".  C-

"Vantage Point": All star cast with a solvable plot within the first 20 minutes, which normally would be lame, but considering this movie is shot pretty much in "real time" (like "24"), it did take me a bit, but I was right.  Oh, and no reason why the president was shot, he just was.  Sure, ok.  When will Dennis Quaid and for that matter, Kurt Russell get the love they deserve?  They work, they've made crappy movies tolerable, good movies great, and have spanned all genres justabout, (is that one word?).  I usually find myself entertained if not really enjoying anything they're in.  Anyway, this is the story of various "vantage points" of how an assassination of our president went down and how there was such a lapse in security.  Good idea by the way: "Let's put the President in an enclosed outdoor square with a possible 50,000 sniper posts."  C+

See ya' in August!

Love and Laughs,

Lou Santini

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10:13 AM - June Movies...Will directors actually finish a movie? Find out....

Friends!

Last month, courtesy of "Netfux", I reviewed three movies, two of which had those kinda endings where the director does his/her, "Stop filming!  Just cut!  No wrap up!  No neat and tidy!  No, I want it to appear that we just ran out of film and/or budget...it'll look artsy!  It's saying, 'Life isn't neat and tidy with closure and conclusions!'"  No, it says, "I don't know how to get outta this and I have other projects to shoot.".  Anyway, will that happen again this month?  Let's read:

"Cloverfield":  Ugh.  "Blair Witch Project".  "Open Water".  This Shit.  The only difference between "Cloverfield" and the other two is budget.  No name actors (which is fine, that keeps me in it), super shaky cameras (my kingdom for a tripod and track) and hiding the "reveal" of the "monster/being/evil/creature" until as late as possible.  No why?  Where? Did they get it? Say what you want about the crappy "Independence Day", but it ended at least....I was rooting for complete annihilation of the cast...no tension, no caring about characters, just destruction for destruction's sake....have you noticed that as CG technology gets better the story telling and acting is getting worse?  D+

"Charlie Wilson's War": I didn't want to see this lest I be subjected to Julia Robert's...well, Julia Robert (is it me or does her mouth look like the Dairy Queen lips from those commercials?  or is it the Twizzler's "Makes Mouths Happy" lips?)  Anyway, Hanks, solid as always, hot broads to look at throughout, damn good story, Phillip Seymour Hoffman who has been good in everything I've seen even when the movie sucked, based on a true story and nice and short.  I really think the title is what hurt audience response here.  Don't let it deter you.  Good movie.  B+

"Untraceable":  Another torture flick (which, had I known that, I wouldn't have rented it...horror, suspense, creepy good...torture and visually disturbing for the sake of visually disturbing..."Saw", "Hostile"...I'm out)...anyway, admittedly, Diane Lane got me in (I still can't get her outta my head from "Unfaithful"...does she prefer movies with "Un" in the title?) and she plays a FBI computer expert along with Tom Hanks' kid (yeah, he has a name, but guess what, fuck off, he's Hank's kid...enjoy that shadow) and there's an idiot who tortures people and the speed of their death is determined by how many people click on the website showing it.  Thanks, Hollywood for planting the seed!  Anyway, here's a movie that DID have an ending, albeit not a satisfying one.  This could have been an episode of "CSI", rather than a whole movie.  Meh.  C

"Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story": What started out with humor like (notice I didn't say as good as, so chill) "The Jerk" and is a parody of "Walk the Line", this movie is really hit or miss.  I laughed out loud at least five times, but it was too long and I felt it was trying to be slapstick, then a smarter comedy, then a showcase for some songs, then a tiny bit of drama...too disjointed...But I really enjoyed the first 20 minutes or so with laughs here and there throughout.  A good comedy is one you wanna see again and again...this ain't it.  C+

"I Think I Love My Wife": Must viewing.  I realize the movie itself was so-so, but for men, this (remake) will ring true.  Chris Rock is married with children, and his sex life with his wife, who he still loves and is attracted to, is waning.  And old (hot) female "friend", just comes in, and fucks up his shit.  Messes with his mind, his heart, and tries to mess with his body.  This movie is a classic "women weaken legs" lesson and every smokin' hot, soulless, manipulating, needy, pouty, childish, "I'm-working, but-it's-just-until-I-don't-have-to-because-I'm-pretty-and-someone-will-take-care-of-me-and-somehow-life-will-work-out-for-me-because-I'm-pretty-but-I-just-can't-let-go-of-my-lifestyle-even-though-I-should-be-growing-a-soul-and-my-life-is-spent-clubbing-and-I-think-this-is-real"-type woman needs to be made to sit and watch a la "A Clockwork Orange".  And I bet every man who has been jerked around (yeah, my fucking hand is up) and every woman who's had one of these vapid holes mess up a good thing with their man watched this and fumed.  NOTE: Super hot girls:  your looks will fade.  You will be replaced.  Someone will get tired of boning you or just tire of you in general.  And then you'll have realized you didn't grow a brain or soul or character.  Phew...anyway, with every scene where the hot girl manipulates Chris Rock's character...Oh, I mean, Chris Rock...I love the comedian, but is he really acting here?  And I ain't no actor either, so bacdafucup; with every scene she sinks her claws, she gets uglier and uglier.  This movie could have been done as a drama too.  C+

"Semi-Pro": Semi funny.  Two out loud laughs.  "Man, this beer is good!  This second one is good, but not as good.  Why is this third beer not as good?  This fourth beer is kinda watered down."  "That's because it's watered down".  "Ah."  We know these truths about Will Farrell:  He's funny.  He's done some really funny movies ("Anchorman", "Old School", "Talladega Nights", cameo in "Wedding Crashers").  He's pasty, pale, hairy, can yell, wears a lot of tight things, says inappropriate things.  Yeah, I'd milk that shit all the way to the bank too.  C-

Sad when the best movie of the month is a B+.

Love and Laughs,

Lou Santini

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5:52 PM - May movie reviews: 3 movies, 2 of them "unfinished".

May was busy so I only saw three flix courtesy of "Netfux":

"No Country for Old Men":  Four Oscars?  Best Picture?  Good God, no.  Javier Bardem WAS kickass and creepy, and I hear "the movie was exactly like the book", but that ain't a selling point.  Really interesting followed by really boring seemed to be the M.O. for this flick.  Jump cuts just seemed lazy to me as if this were to add to the "art" or mystery of the movie.  Way too much exposition on Tommy Lee Jones' part, (who was good too), and the ending was an all-time crapfest.  Colossal waste of (overrated) time.  This had NO business beating the most underrated director in movies today, Paul Thomas Anderson, and his movie, "There Will Be Blood".  C+

"There Will Be Blood": Epic, artful, beautiful filmmaking.  Never mind the fact that the movie was 100 times better than "No Ending for Overrated Movie" (see above), but Daniel Day Lewis was ridiculous, he's so good.  Could be one of my favorite endings of any movie, particularly dialogue-wise.  PTA will be Scorcese in that he'll get a Best Picture nod for a flick that isn't his best work.  And name a movie he's done that isn't good?  "Boogie Nights" lost to "Good Will Hunting" (a movie Damon/Affleck didn't write, common knowledge), didn't win any actor awards considering it had Reynolds, Macy, Wahlberg, Hoffman, Reilly, and all those other brilliant performances?  Even Heather Graham was good! (Yeah, I'm retrospectively bitching).  "Magnolia" had art returning to cinema.  "Punch Drunk Love" had Sandler showing real chops and a lovable Emily Watson.  "Hard Eight", PTA's first flick was better than "No Country"...Give the man his Best Picture for "Blood".  Do over!  Anyway...Daniel Day Lewis is intense once again as a ruthless oil tycoon who's loyalties lie only with himself.  I think what I like best about all of Anderson's characters is that they are uncompromising: if they're dumb, they stay dumb and never learn, if they're mean, they stay mean and have no soft spots, if they're sensitive, they never toughen up.  As lame as the ending was in "No Country", the ending in "Blood" is VERY satisfying and I still have the visual of the final shot in my head.  And I won't spoil the ending, but the final words of dialogue could be the best ever.  Overall...it was ok....A+!

"Rendition":  Sigh...Reese Witherspoon...Jake Gylddlnednhalll (however you spell his name...how can I like his sister Maggie so much, but not him?)...A Middle Eastern businessman is detained, tortured, and held captive as part of mistaken identity as a terrorist.  Jake is a newbie CIA cat who has to investigate and "didn't sign up for this"...it had the potential to be good...and then...it ended.  Boringly.  It's like two hours of sex and no orgasm.  Before the ending: B+  By the ending: C-

Note to directors: Finish your fucking movies.  Write an ending.  Don't let me "use my imagination".  I can do that for free.  Let books trigger my imagination.  Do your jobs.

Love and Laughs,

Lou Santini

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2:36 PM - One month. 2 movies. 2 reviews.

Friends!

April was busy as I was getting settled in to new digs, visiting Moms out in Ohio, and hitting the road again so only time for three movies from "Netfux":

"Gone Baby Gone": Highly recommended.  Very dark, very disturbing in terms of dialogue and some visuals.  Casey Affleck is hired to find a missing girl and double cross and intrigue follow (I know that sounds like a blanket statement, but I don't wanna give anything away).  Ed Harris and Morgan Freeman fill the screen nicely going against type.  Casey Affleck did a great job although the thick Boston accents are one thing...but move your mouth a bit so I can friggin' understand ya'!  This movie will make you mad, and make you think and talk afterwards....saw it twice. A

"28 Weeks Later": I think it's almost better than the first.  CREEPY, good music, very bloody, minimal dialogue, but you don't get the feeling you're just watching an "action horror drama"...it has heart...albeit dark...great ending (depending on what you like).  The "Rage Virus" has supposedly been wiped out of England so it's time to reinhabit the country so a select few hundred/thousand people get free housing...BUT...of course the virus isn't contained and it spreads in seconds so chaos ensues...good stuff.  One of the best horror movies and certainly best "zombie" movie I've seen.  A-

Can't say I'll be seeing much more movies in May as I've already been on the road a stretch with more comin'.  Watch for me on another episode of "Frank TV", too, by the way.

Love and Laughs,

Lou Santini

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2:09 PM - March Movie Reviews! (I know it’s April, crap, man, I was moving, so sue me....)

Friends!

Travelin' the road and movin' to new digs makes for little time to review movies.

(Dramatic Music)

Until now.

Here are the few flicks I rented from "Netfux" (which actually has improved their customer service and movie exchange speed lately, so maybe I'll back off...maybe):

"When the Levees Broke":  Spike Lee's 400-part, thousand-hour mini-series on the victims of Hurricane Katrina.  Hey, I'm still pissed we didnt' "take care of our own back yard", (i.e., Iraq, the tsunami victims) but, Mr. Lee, hit the edit button, wouldja?  Powerful, yes.  Necessary?  Absolutely.  Repetitive?  Yes.  And yes.  Very repetitive.  The repetition was high.  If it were a two-part, four-hour journey, could have earned an A-.  However: B-.  Oh yeah, the real sadness?  The evil insurance companies leaving these people to hang out to dry (no pun intended).

"The Good German":  I applaud the effort to produce a different "looking" film noir-type....zzzzzzzz....I'm sorry, I dozed off THINKING about this movie.  And I love Clooney...damnit!  D-

"Dan in Real Life": Good...I guess...not as good as I hoped...a little too real...the "unnatainble" love story hit home a little hard for me (yeah, "awww" yourself), but some funniness, kinda...I could have done with some more warmth.  This falls in the category of "thinking I'm going to get one thing and it turns out to be another".  C+

"Michael Clayton":  Rocks.  Clooney: delivers one of the best "fuck you" monologues in recent memory.  I'd put it up there with Baldwin in Glengary Glen Ross, and Baldwin again in "Malice" and "Talk Radio" (other great monologue guys: Walken and Nicholson of course).  Compelling, taut, and I really didn't know how it would end even with the "ending comes first" start the movie had.  Clooney quickly won me back after viewing "The Good German".  SPOILER ALERT: and yes while he does emerge victorious, it's not in the typical "Clooney-cool" way...he is vulnerable throughout the flick.  But what a comeback at the end.  A

That's it.  Again, I was gone a lot and was moving.  Now I'm moved in and will be traveling a lot in April and May, so be patient.

Love and Laughs,

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12:42 AM - Man, do a lot of movies SUCK!

Hey, Kids!

Here's what I watched (and sometimes "endured") courtesy of "Netfux" (Motto: Now only one out of every four movies is cracked or damaged!"):

"Seven Samurai":  How is a movie this lame, this old, this LONG?  A "classic"?  Black and white, boring, subtitles, (which is fine, I have no problem with that)...but the story was simple enough that didn't justify a movie over 3.25 hours...it could have been over in a half hour...fight scenes beyond lame, wailing female Asians every 5 minutes...it took me almost a week to get through it...severely overrated.  D-

"Eastern Promises": Viggo Mortensen is one brave dude.  Naked knife fights in a slippery sauna?  Hey, I know it's choreographed and prepared and relatively safe, but the possibility for accidents...never mind showing your piece on film..ok, past that...(Hey, I had to mention it because everyone who saw the movie told me about it and how intense the fight scene was).  Movie: good, not great.  SPOILER ALERT: Mortensen is a Russian gang member working undercover in England.  Naomi Watts, normally easy on the eyes and pleasant to watch (I liked her in "The Ring" and although "King Crap" was terrible, she was good considering her green screen work), she's just annoying here.  C+

"Tombstone":  Can you believe I never saw this?  Great fun; everyone was right, Val Kilmer was great.  Just a fun "shoot 'em up" Western.  And Kurt Russell is just one of my all-time favorites.  Even when the movie sucks, he's good, and he's not in very many sucky movies.  (Best work: "Grindhouse", "Big Trouble in Little China", "Overboard"...I know I'm forgetting some, and no, I'm not a fan of "Escape from New York").  B-

"Beyond the Valley of the Dolls": The movie is beyond crap, but is absolutely Mike Meyers' inspiration for Austin Powers, including outright copying some of the dialogue.  Hilariously funny, tacky, tasteless, terrible special effects, borderline racist, poorly acted, lit, scripted, etc.  An absolute must view at a party.  Crank up the sound and let the sarcasm fly.  Roger Ebert was one of the screenwriters.  A-

"The Lover": Hot.  China in the 20s.  Forbidden affairs.  Older man/younger girl.  Clashing cultures.  Steamy without being gratuitous.  I can't remember where I heard about this movie, but I saw it browsing, so I got it.  B

"Flightplan": Jodie Foster stars in a movie with a twist or two I didn't see coming.  I take that back, I did see one twist, but then I was wrong.  Foster (have you noticed she's never married or even dating in a movie?  I know she wants to portray the strong woman, but every movie her hubby is either dead, gonna be dead, she's divorced, she's single, she's a single mom, a career woman with no time for penis...) is an airplane design engineer, traveling back to the U.S. after her hubby kills himself and her kid is kidnapped while on the plane.  You read that right.  Sounds impossible?  Watch it.  It's fun, taught, and has a satisfying ending that isn't exactly Hollywood.  B

"Balls of Fury": Alternate title.  "Smells Like Balls".  I hope Walken got paid well for this.  I can appreciate the Oscar winner doing his thing in "Wedding Crashers" and poking fun at himself in videos, but this movie simply didn't need to get made.  Enough with the "pseudo sport" movies.  Only major sports movies are allowed from now on.  And even then, they better be either good and dramatic or good and funny.  I don't want to see anymore movies about the following:  dodgeball, ping pong, checkers, hopscotch, jacks, frisbee, golf, bowling, miniature golf, tennis, luge, gymnastics, ABA, WNBA, and while I'm at it, no more high school football movies that take place in the south where "football is life" and racism still runs deep.  The ONLY good thing about this movie is the insanely beautiful Asian woman who was in MI: 3.  She was also in "Die Hard 4".  She needs her own movie.  Anyway, why bother giving you the plot of this Ping Pong adventure when I bet you could guess it?  Throw out this formula.  F+

"Sicko":  Having been in and out of the hospital and doctors for about two and a half weeks in Feb, this movie hit home hard and fast.  Yeah, you may hate Michael Moore, but it'll get you thinking.  My bank account is gonna hurt for awhile from just a couple weeks of visits, treatment, and tests.  I can only imagine someone who goes through any extended treatment must go through.  The stress of how to pay shouldn't have to weigh you down during and after recovery.  Way too much to say here without starting a shitstorm, so watch it, learn, talk, and think.  A

"The Brave One": Alternate title: "The Overpaid One".  Guess what?  Jodie Foster's fiance is killed in the first 10 minutes of this bland, predictable, cliche-ridden, laughable, "Death Wish"-wannabe, suckfest.  Foster is a vigilante after her man is beaten to death.  Foster is officially the worst actor portraying a DJ in the history of movies.  I get so taken out of a movie when I see the role of "radio personality" played so innacurately (see: "Talk to Me", "Pump up the Volume", "Gross Pointe Blank"..."Talk Radio" was the best).  I'd write more, but thinking about how boring this movie was is making me bored.  Why is Foster taking these crap roles?  D

"Good Luck Chuck": Dane Cook (hey, come back here!) is a dentist (!) who, when he sleeps with a woman, her next man she meets becomes her hubby, all due to a childhood curse.  Different premise, yes, some funny lines, yes, but I just wanted it to be over.  And of course, Dane's best friend?  A chubby, "Booger from the 'Revenge of the Nerds'" -type guy (the same guy who starred in "Balls of Fury"), crass, fat, obnoxious, and of course, a plastic surgeon specializing in boobs.  Plus:  tons of naked and topless women.  Minus: watching Dane Cook have sex.  I'm not going to get into the whole, Dane Cook bandwagon, pro or con, but I'd still say pass.  Unless you're a huge Jessica Alba fan, and she's the one you'll WANT to see naked, but it'll never happen in our lifetime.  C-

"Pride": Can Terence Howard NOT cry in a movie?  I'm surprised he's not dehydrated.  He could be in a Western and he'd cry.  But, nonetheless, based on a true story of a rec center in poor part of Philly in the 70s (great soundtrack by the way) and it's revitalization and new all-black swim team thanks to Coach Howard.  It didn't overdo the sentimentality too much which is why I liked it.  I could have done without Tom Arnold as the Evil White Swim Team Coach.  Saw it, I'm done.  B-

Love and Laughs,

Lou Santini

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10:24 AM - A lot late, but here...January movie reviews!

Sorry for the delay...those who know me know why, but here's what I looked at courtesy of "Netfux" (motto:  "Only 1 out of three movies we send are cracked or scratched!"):

"Reign Over Me":  Don Cheadle and Adam Sandler star in this movie about Sandler's ability (or lack thereof) to cope with the loss of his wife and daughters  in the second plane to hit the Twin Towers on 9/11.  Sorry, folks, but Sandler can act.  He has some great moments that if you don't water up, you got problems.  Con: Sandler's hair.  I realized the guy's a mess and he's supposed to be "losing it", but his Bob Dylan look was a distraction at times.  But he was really good and the movie had a real...what's the word..."pleasant" ending...not what I expected, but it was the right kind of ending considering the subject material.  I can't imagine anyone who's lost a loved one in any tragedy being able to watch it, but it was great movie.  I don't know if I would have wanted to see this in the theatre.  This is a movie best watched privately.  B+

"Talk to Me":  Also Don Cheadle (and similar movie title as above...hmmm...) this movie was barely tolerable.  About the life of real-life ex-con turned radio personality, turned "comedian", Petey Green (hence my interest, since I've had two of the three jobs he did), knowing what I know about radio and a little bit about the 60s and Green's life, it just seemed the movie took a lot of shortcuts and liberties with his story and how things went down when it came to how he got his job, how he paved his way, and how quickly he took off.  White people couldn't look more "square" and absolutely ridiculous (Martin Sheen!), every white guy sounds like Richard Pryor's imitation of a white guy; their walk, their talk, their attempts to be cool and hip...and once again, the technical presentation of how the workings inside an air studio are poorly presented.  One movie and one movie only has shown it the right way: "Talk Radio".  Some funny moments, yes, but overall, you'll be making sarcastic comments throughout at the ridiculousness of certain scenes and lines.  C-

"3:10 to Yuma": People were telling me it was too long, but I didn't think so.  I enjoyed it.  Kinda been in a western mood lately and you can't do much better than Christian Bale and Russell Crowe.  Bale and a posse try to get  Crowe on a train to "justice" thereby landing a big reward and the ability to save his farm, his family, and his reputation as a "man", since his son and wife are dicks and thinks he's a sissy.  Honestly, they're such jerks, I don't see why Bale's character cares.  The guy got his foot near shot of in the Civil War, but apparently, that's not enough for them.  Another good non-Hollywood ending.  Pretty violent, more graphic than most westerns, I think.  Good popcorn movie.  B-

"Waitress":  Once again, good writing, simple story, and good characters make for one of the best movies I saw in January.  Sadly, the woman who wrote the movie was murdered before the release.  Basic plot:  a woman (Terri Russell from "Felcity") is in a loveless marrige to a real pig (makes Brando from "Streetcar" look nice) and is a genius at inventing pies to sell at the pie shop where she's a waitress.  In the meantime, she gets pregnant, has an affair with her OBGYN (where he practices his "love", George Bush lemmings), things get complicated, and you really see no way out for her (and no, she doesn't shoot him).  Makes you wanna pack it up from L.A., move to the sticks, live simple, and eat pie.  A-

"Rescue Dawn":  I wanted to like this true story about a Vietnam POW who escapes, I really did.  I like Christian Bale.  But the look, the writing, the characters, and the shot sequences all seemed really awkward and thrown together.  I couldn't immerse myself in this and just wanted it to be over.  Bad timing?  C-

"Superbad":  Appropriately names.  WE GOT IT!  THE GEEK SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH!  GEEKS ARE GOOD.  EVERYONE ELSE IS SHALLOW AND BAD!  GEEKS ARE THE REAL COOL PEOPLE, WITH GREAT QUIPS, WIT AND SARCASM BEYOND THEIR YEARS AND REAL FRIENDS. THE REST OF US ARE FOOLING OURSELVES.  Man is this concept played.  And what, 'cuz it's kinda low budget and has a simple look and is rife with fat guys, skinny guys, dorky guys, (what no Middle Eastern stereotype?  No oddly nerdy black guy?  Oh, but wait, there was the couple unattainable hotties who turn out to be all about fat guys and skinny guys...).  And for the women out there who think the two lead characters are "cute".  Let's get this straight once and for all, you only think they're cute because they're not doing you personally and because they have money and fame.  If they were pumping gas next to you at a Chevron, you'd fake being on your phone so you wouldn't have to talk to them (yes, I'm bitter).  A few good lines, (oh, let's not forget the new "acting" is to not move your face or mouth, stare blankly ahead, and emote as little as possible) but just got retarded...I mean how many times can an out of shape kid get hit by a car and not even be sore?  "Oh, it's not just a teen movie, it's for everyone."  Yes, every dumb teen. D+

"Live Free or Die Hard":  Why did I do that?  Was the whole movie shot in front of a green screen?  Would someone please destroy this action formula?  Come up with a new formula?  At least give me more nudity or lesbians or have the hero's head come off or something?  D

"We are Marshall": I guess I rented a lot of true stories this month, didn't I?  Not good, not bad, just a linear movie based on the real events of a town losing their team, their soul in a horrible plane crash, and how they plowed ahead to even just get a team back on the field and battle to one win, then another, then...Oh, if memory serves, Matthew McConnaugjhsdhdyeeey....(however you spell this guy's name) fulfills one of two of his movie contract requirements: either he is seen without a shirt, or pants so tight you can see the veins in his foreskin.  Overall: Meh.  C+

"The Sex Monster": Mike Binder wrote/directed/stars in this low-budget movie about a guy who wants to "spice up" his marriage by suggesting they bring in another woman into their bed.  FORESHADOWING!  Moral: Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.  Hey, I thought it was a pretty fresh concept to run a whole movie, the acting was competent and often real, Binder has a great Paul Simon/Woody Allen look going combined with some great timing...never gratuitous, sometimes "madcap and zany", but I was entertained and nothing got blown up, no green screen, saw some boobs, had some laughs, then I hit eject.  B-

"Ocean's Thirteen":  "What the hell is going on?", is a common thought you will have throughout this heist series.  Bottom line, just try to remember what the gang is trying to steal and you'll be fine.  Enjoy the handsome, suave, studly, macho men, laugh at the dry wit, marvel at the technology, (don't ask how they can afford it or how long it takes them to acquire it and put it place,) and leer at the cleavage, tap your toe to the snazzy jazz and before you can get frustrated, all the good guys win, the bad guys are emasculated, credits role and and you'll be fine.  Bonus: Julia Roberts isn't in it.  B-

"I Know Who Killed Me:" Alternate title: "I Know What Movie Killed Lindsay Lohan's Career".  Wow, was this just painfully boring, bad, gratuitous, half-ass, lame, poorly written, tripe.  They were trying to go for a "Grindhouse" type opening, I think, I never knew what was happening, everytime I tried to hypothesize, I had to change my mind...here it is, I think: Lohan's character is caught by a serial killer and tortured, then she's recovered.  Turns out the recovered girl is the victim's identical twin sister (nice "Parent Trap" journey, huh?), and as the twin is tortured and has limbs cut off, her limbs are "falling off" (in a vat of really fake looking blood), in some kind of Corsican Brothers Syndrome thing...Look, Lindsay, you were doing sex scenes, stripper scenes in a low budget movie...just go all the way, get naked, and do porn.  You're so close...and hot, for a white girl.  D-

"American Gigolo": I was told this movie really was a shocker and "changed things"...the only thing I changed was the channel, and this was on my DVD player.  Gere as his suave charming self, he taps older ass, gets caught up in a framing for murder and now his wicked ways leaves him with no friends but a gap-toothed Lauren Hutton who not only porks him, but loves him, and then they ran out of money and the credits came on.  80s!  80s!  80s!  You'll have more fun making fun of the 80s music, fashion, and cars...and how much L.A has changed since then if you live here.  C

That's it, sorry for the delay, fan.

Love and Laughs,

Lou Santini

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10:45 PM - Top 10 Time Kids!

Mom got me a new ITouch for Xmas, so going through my songs, combined with my inclination towards my radio background where Top 10 lists are prevalent, here's my "10 Songs Where You Just Say, 'Volume to 11 and Time to Break Random Objects I'm Tired of Work and Her I'll Listen to This and Then Return to Normal":

10.  Pantera--"Mouth for War":  (Blistering opening guitar lick, one of the songs I listen to most often before a big show)

9.  Helmet--"In the Meantime": (WAY ahead of it's time, forgotten group, mildly popular tune...such a shame...)

8.  Rage Against the Machine--"Killing in the Name Of": (Come on, you can't sing, "Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me!" and not think of every person/job/boss/girlfriend/boyfriend that screwed you over? Even though it's not about that, you got probs...)

7.  L.A. Guns--"I Wanna Be Your Man": (Raw.  Bluesy.  Sexy.  Passive/Aggressive mad.  The most underrated of the L.A. Guns catalog where "The Ballad of Jayne" was their biggest hit, from a band that was underrated and overshadowed by G 'n' R.)

6.  Rollins Band--"Liar": (Henry Rollins: uncompromising, unapologetic, raw, veiny, angry yet funny, makes Tom Connolly look calm, and a great karaoke song if you can find a bar with enough sack to stock it)

5. Soundgarden--"Slaves and Bulldozers": (The BEST song off their ONLY good album as far as I'm concerned...If I could actually HIT any of the notes and sing along when Chris Cornell was cool and had pipes, this song is great to sing along to...slow burn, he hates everything...not a daily diet, but man, shirt-off, Jesus Christ Pose, "Ef -U", singing from my nuts tune...)

4.  Quiet Riot--"Metal Health":  (Note: FIRST {and underrated} band to DEBUT a heavy metal song at 1 on Billboard.  So many bands should have a mantle paying homage to Kevin DuBrow for paving the way for the heavy metal/hair band movement {he died WAY too young and I'm proud to say he was THE best in studio radio interview I ever had and I was privileged enough to hang with him and legendary guitarist, Carlos Cavazo, after a show at the legendary Akron Agora circa 1993.  Pics to prove.})

3. Nazareth--"Hair of the Dog": (If you don't get amped singing, "...now you're messin' with a---a son of a BI-ITCH!", you got problems.  The ONLY person I've ever heard sing it even CLOSE to the original is legendary Ohio vocalist, John Lorraine of the band, "Lorraine", a band that should have their own CATALOG of albums...talented musicians, insane vocals...but I digress...)

2. Guns 'n' Roses--"Out to Get Me": (Man, now that I'm reading the autobiography of Slash, this is even MORE my favorite G'n'R song)...why the news networks didn't play this in the background when O.J. was driving through L.A. in his White Ford Bronco, I have no idea...imagine!)  I remember playing this in my car after killing in my first show at the Icehouse in Pasadena back in 1999, the L.A. skyscraper skyline was to my left, mountains to my right, stars out, moonroof open, and flying between cars after a great show...great life moment.

1. Metallica--"Am I Evil?":  (I played this in my car driving up that curvy mountain to Big Bear and man, that will make you downshift and hit curves with ferocity...first Metallica album, ridiculuous march beats, almost danceable guitar riffs, and raw lyrics combine to make this THE "anger" shit.)

Honorable Mention:

Ministry: "N.W.O." (not my forte, but man...)

Motorhead: "Eat the Rich" ("Hey, Butthead, why does Lemmy have that "Cocoa Puff" on his face?"...maybe that's why it didn't make the list...)

Headstrong--"Temper Temper" (The newest of the group, but tasty).

Limp Bizkit--"Break Stuff" (Title says it all.)

Megadeth--"Peace Sells (But Who's Buying?")  (Anti everything.)

Your votes?  You pitch your case, and I'll listen.  (Jason Boggs and Besanna Bogataj, I'm listening.)

Love and Laughs,

Lou Santini

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9:46 PM - 1 month, 4 movies (Hey, I was busy ok? The road...holidays...sheesh!) NETFLIX REVIEWS!

Friends!  I was gone a ton in December what with the United States clamoring for my comedy and Xmas crap...so I only watched four flix on Netfux:

"Rabbit Proof Fence": This was recommended to me by a friend after I had praised "Whale Rider" so heavily.  'Tis good, but not "Whale Rider" good...based on a true story about the aboriginal segregation back in the day and how children were literally ripped out of the arms of their mothers in an effort to eliminate the darker population...1920s I believe...not that long ago which is sad enough...another story where you can say, "you think YOU had it bad?"  Highly recommended.  B

"The Blues Brothers":  Explain to me why this was funny.  One of those that I never got around to seeing the whole thing.  Finally did.  Meh.  D+

"My Left Foot":  Ok, Daniel Day Lewis IS the man, he got robbed when he didn't win Best Actor for "Gangs of New York", and I hear he's epic in my favorite director's (Paul Thomas Anderson) "There Will Be Blood", and he was amazing in this.   But stopping a goal AND scoring a goal with just a foot?  That ain't helping my pro-soccer argument...Great movie, I saw it, and now I don't need to see it again...man, I hate movies where there's a lot of poverty...they make me...itchy...  B+

"Species":  Yeah, I know, I never saw it...Natasha Hentstridge needs to be naked 24/7.  Way too many holes in this movie for me...yes, I know it's sci-fi, but I never found holes in "Aliens"...Bonus:  Marg Helgenberger boobie shot.  She's yummy.  Michael Madsen just cracks me up with his constipated look in every film.  How can you not like this guy?  Reservoir Dogs?  Kill Bill?  Anyway, an alien must mate and when giving birth goes from kid to adult in 60 seconds...a ragtag group of misfits (too good to be hired by the government full time?  What the?) help Gandhi track her down before she porks too many L.A. men right out of their spinal cords.  Ya gotta see it I guess...not as good as I had hoped.  I'll pass on the sequel.  C

SAW IN THEATRES:

"I Am Legend":  Pro: 90 minutes, Will Smith.  Con: Formulaic, sub-par SFX.  B-

"Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street":  Pro: Depp/Carter, lots of blood, quite funny at times.  Con: It's a musical.  B-

Oh, and I watched "The Simpsons Movie" DVD three more times after seeing it twice in the theatre.  Shut up.  A+

See you at the end of the month!

Love and Laughs,

Lou Santini

I'll try to watch more in January, kiddos...

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4:33 PM - November movie reviews! You’re entering a sarcasm-rich zone!

November.  Netfux.  Movies.  What I saw:

"F**K":  It's a documentary on the history of THE word in everyday culture, in movies, on TV and radio, and on the comedy stage.  Must viewing for any comedian.  And honestly, it's gonna tick you off a bit with people's sensibilities, uptight behavior toward that word and profanity/nudity/violence in general.  And don't think you can have a movie about this word and not have a report on the absolute stupidity of the FCC.  Many comedians chime in on this "f**kfest".  B+

"Grindhouse: Planet Terror":  Again, why they split these two movies up from when I saw them in the theatre, who knows, more money I guess since it didn't do that well at the box office.  But it's not a matter of enjoying "the movie", it's enjoying the experience and what the director(s) were going for in these romps.  This is the better of the two (although the last 10-15 min. of "Death Proof" rocked), and if you like your blood flowing like wine, and your jokes purposely cheesy and your stunts very unbelievable, then this movie will be fun for you.  Robert Rodriguez, I like.  And what woman wouldn't want to play Rose McGowan's part having a machine gun/howitzer/missile launcher for a leg?  Biggest complaint: neither DVD had the intermission previews that I saw in the theatre and man, those were "out there".  B

"Bare Behind Bars":  Hey, I'm a male, ok?  You see a "caged heat" themed movie shot in Brazil no less...I'm weak.  And man, so is this movie.  Plot: (what they deem) hot chicks behind bars mistreated by hot prison guards.  Donuts are bumped, plotlines are eliminated, and naked fights ensue.  If it weren't for the nudity, this is a movie crying out for a "Mystery Science Theatre 3000" slaughter.  This movie is so awful on so many levels, (not "The Brown Bunny" bad, that was intolerable, but "fun" bad)...this is a movie I encourage you to rent and play at a party with the sound way up so everyone can hear the inane dialogue and let the sarcastic comments and jokes fly.  This is a movie I could have seen Tarantino/Rodriguez do in "Grindhouse".  Sad part is, this movie was trying to be a real movie and I don't think it was trying to be campy.  It's just so bad and so funny/bad, you have to watch it all the way through.  If you're not making a sarcastic comment to yourself within the first 30 seconds, there's something wrong with you.  It was done in 1987 and seems like it was done in 1967 what with the bad music, costumes, "unmowed prisoner lawns", dialogue, sets, etc.  Just so bad, but I type this with a smile on my face.  Must see crappy.  A (for awful)

"Snakes on a Plane":  Alternate titles.  "Actors on a Paycheck".  "Crap on a Screen".  It's a good thing Samuel Jackson has the body of work he does.  (But I paid to watch it, right?  And hell, yeah, if they had asked me to be in it, I would have done it.).  So bad, not worth describing.  Rent "Bare Behind Bars" and at least you'll have fun watching a bad movie. F

"Ralph Nader: An Unreasonable Man":  I've always been a fan and now, more so.  Love him or hate him, he's the most patriotic American citizen I've seen, moreso than any politician.  And for all you, "He's the reason Bush is president" idiots, your argument holds no water.  Rent this, educate yourself, and you'll see.  I'm not saying your opinion of him will change, but you gotta admire his convictions and ya ain't got no dirt on this guy, rest of you politicians.  Best movie of the month (tied with "Bare Behind Bars") A

"Mr. Brooks":  I gotta admit, I kinda liked it.  Costner isn't doing his normal "Costnerisms", and Dane Cook was competent.  Although now and then, some Cook-like comedy delivery came out on screen.  SPOILER ALERT: And for those who hate Dane, you'll love the ending on more than one level.  I'm not sure this movie was as creepy as I had anticipated, and creepy beats scary any day.  B-

One more month of stellar reviews in 2007!  Happy Whatever You Celebrate!

Love and Laughs,

Lou Santini

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