When friends grow up.
Category: Life

You weren't asking for a response, but I know you deserve an explanation.
I am also sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't call enough.
I'm sorry for making one person my entire world. In fact, one who I meant nothing to, when I had you there all along.
I'm sorry that I pushed you away. I'm sorry I, in a sense, walked away.
I'm sorry that you misunderstood my situation, and I'm sorry for misunderstanding yours, as well.

One thing I'm not sure about, is the "lessons" I learned from everyone that you're talking about. If you're saying that I deserved a lot of the things that were placed on my plate, then maybe you're right. What you don't know, is that I changed. And thanks for that acknowlegment, or lack thereof. Yes, I hurt people and not for one second am I proud of that. I didn't like who I was, but I was that way because I hadn't come to terms with myself. I hadn't figured out who I was or where I was going or what I was doing. I still am unsure of that everyday of my life, but at least I've gotten a little closer to figuring some things out. I'm sorry we can't all be as pure as you.

But you think that I deserved to be lied to constantly? You think I deserved to be left with nothing? You think that on Christmas, I deserved to be ignored by someone I loved and thought loved me? You think I deserved to waste my time, energy, money, breath and life? You think I deserved to cry almost everyday? You think I deserved to be mentally and emotionally fucked? You think I deserved to be taken advantage of? I'm not asking for sympathy or a pity party, but NO ONE deserves that.

Then maybe so, but I've learned. And y'know, I can't say that I regret the way I learned them, because it's made me who I am. Then again, maybe that's the problem; You don't know who I am, anymore.

You think I'm cynical, and not realistic. I'll tell you what's realistic. Not everything is sunshine and rainbows, sweetheart. There's nothing cynical about it. That's reality. That's life. People come and people go. You get hurt and you get help. Sometimes you're shoved, and other times, you're the one shoving. You hurt people, but you have to forgive yourself and move on.

I'm not necessarily distrustful as you've stated. I've just learned that people will say things out of impulse and they will promise things that they can never really give. I've actually learned to be more cautious than I was, rather than just get my hopes up over every little thing that sounds good. And with the types of people I've come across, they've all just proved that they cannot be trusted. This doesn't mean that I believe there is  no one out there that will tell me the truth.

I'm not cold, but I am independent. I've learned that not everyone will be there to hold my hand at all times. I've finally accepted that fact, and I'm damn proud of it. I'm still willing to help anyone in need of it, and I still appreciate and greatly accept the help that others offer to me. I have in no way become a cold person. I've just learned to make myself happy and that I can make myself happy.

Cocky. That's a funny one. Hilarious, in fact. This one actually hits hard. I was never confident in myself. I've always been too skinny. My teeth have always been crooked and ugly. My nose has always been pointy and people have made fun of it. One of my calves is bigger than the other. My boobs have been the same size since I was in fifth grade. My hair was never perfectly straight, or nicely curled. Instead it has this stupid wave that I can get past. I have sort of a lazy eye when I smile, and I can't stand it. My feet fall in at the archs, which I got from my Dad. Now that I've grown up, I've learned to love myself. I've learned to accept the fact that I will always be skinny. I've learned to love my teeth because smiling feels good and I'm not going to stop smiling just because my teeth aren't the straightest. My nose is a part of my face that will never change, and every time I look in the mirror, it'll be there. As for my calves, at least I have two legs. It could be worse. And my boobs, they're nicely proportioned with my body. And I've learned to let my hair do what it wants because after all, it doesn't look half bad. And my eyes are still pretty even though one is slightly stupid. My feet are just another flaw because I'm not fucking perfect.

Look at all that learning I did. And I've got a lot to show for.

I am happy with myself. For once. Completely.

Thank you for acknowledging the changes I made for myself and thanks for your input on who you think I am. But I'm sick of people telling me who I am.

Now let me inform you of who I think you are:

I think that you put yourself on this pedestal, but you do it so nonchalantly. You say you don't associate with certain people because of their immaturity or whatever reason you feel is appropriate and when you say things like that... It makes you sound like an ass. It makes you sound like you're putting yourself above the rest. Like they're not good enough to be your friend, or you're too good to be theirs. I'll have you know, you're no better than me. You're no better than him or her or them. You're an equal, so act like it.
Everytime there is any form of argument, you convince the other person that they're wrong, even when they're not. You use your word-play to your advantage. You're manipulative, in your clever little way.
You take yourself way too seriously. Chill out. Live a little. Let people in. You're like a seventeen-year-old trapped in a thirty-year-old's body. Get out of that body, it doesn't belong to you! You're still a kid. So be one. And just to sum this all up, I think you're afraid. You're afraid to let people in. You're afraid to ever be vulnerable to another human being. You're afraid to let anyone see who you really are, so you put on a front. And that. That's pathetic.

I do love you. I do miss you. I do care that we are drifting apart. I can't fix this myself. I'm willing if you're willing.

3:36 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Alaskans!
Category: Life

Ahhh. Alaska...
It's that time to say "goodbye".

To my Alaskan babies- I love all of you. Every single one of you.
You will all be in my heart and constantly in my mind. The times and memories we've shared will never be forgotten, nor will they be replaced. Nothing can compare to you motherfuckers. You've taught me everything I know about life and then some. You've all taught me to live, laugh, love and learn. I've met some of the best people in my life in Alaska. I can only hope that you will remember me as I remember you. This isn't "goodbye" to any of you. I will be back to visit and soon, I will be back to live. There's no possible way I could stay away forever.

Alaska has made me an unhappy person. The winters are far too difficult for me to handle right now. I become a completely different person in the winter time; A sad, angry person. I don't like who I become when the snow falls. This separation is just something I need right now at this point in my life. I need a change and the opportunity has presented itself, so I'm taking it on full-force. I just ask that none of you become selfish. Please don't guilt trip me. This decision has been difficult in itself.

**My number will NOT change, so text or call me ANYTIME. If you need my number, ask. Also, you can email me. If you need the email address, ask. And ANYONE can come and visit me at ANYTIME. =] I will be back to visit for Christmas definitely and also for the summer, UNTIL I move back. So keep your chins up, time will pass quickly.**

Know that I love you all. ALL of you. Even the ones that have done me wrong because...

Alaskans are a stronger breed.

I will be back for all of you. =]] I know that for sure.

out.

8:10 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

A fallen facade.
Category: Life

I miss your smile.
I miss your hand in mine.
I miss your kisses.
I miss the way you stood.
I miss looking at you.
I miss your morning hair.
I miss your gorgeous blue eyes.
I miss smelling the side of your face.
I miss laying in bed, high as a kite, laughing at nothing.
I miss having blankie stolen from me.
I miss you licking me all over my face and how disgusting I thought it was.
I miss playing with your hair, and pushing it to the wrong side.
I miss how angry you'd get.
I miss licking your teeth.
I miss you poking me in my back and making fun of the noises I made.
I miss the "viper" coming at my neck. Fssst! Fssst!
I miss how frustrated you get when we went shopping.
I miss laying in bed watching t.v.
I miss choco tacos(I can't find them anywhere!).
I miss the butterflies you gave me anytime I even thought about you.
I miss McChickens with you.
I miss fighthing over the radio stations.
I miss putting my finger in your pocket when we walked.
I miss you ordering me the wrong chalupas at Taco Bell.
I miss texting you while I was at school.
I miss how excited you'd get when you talked about things you enjoyed.
I miss hearing about the "new jack shitty shit".
I miss hearing "meow meow" everytime I see my cat.
I miss sleeping in the extra twenty minutes before school because of your warmth.
I miss starting your truck for you.
I miss sleeping next to you.
I miss laying my leg over yours and putting my head on your chest.
I miss looking at you and kissing you while you slept.
I miss sushi.
I miss you convincing me that your birthplace and date were wrong.
I miss being afraid of the way you drove in the snow.
I miss trying to convince you to shower with me.
I miss sharing clothes.
I miss pinching your butt.
I miss sharing cigarettes and drinks and food.
I miss "kid", "babe", "wheat thin", "bum" and all the other pet names.
I miss smoking out of my window with you.
I miss all of your talk about cars, and pretending I knew what you were talking about.
I miss, "your nose ring is crooked."
I miss how frustrated you'd get when I didn't make a decision where I wanted to go.
I miss playing pool and "take your time!!!"
I miss Ling-Ling.
I miss cooking weird dinners when we were stoned.
I miss the throat punch threats.
I miss it all. And so much more.

6:24 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I just want back in your head.
Category: Life

Lately, it seems as if everyone is drifting away.
New friends, new loves, new jobs.
Less phone calls, less text messages, less everything.
I'm so worried that everyone is moving on without me... Life is just flying by and I'm missing it all.
Some days I feel like giving up- Cutting all forms of communcations off, since it doesn't seem to make a difference, anyway.
Other days, it really gets to me. I'm constantly trying to play it off, as if I'm thoroughly enjoying my vacation. Enjoying my family. Enjoying the sun. Enjoying my time away from the drama-crazed Alaskans. But really, I can't enjoy all of those things when I feel forgotten. When I feel replaced, even if it is temporary or just because I'm on vacation.
I try to be strong and believe it's just because everyone is working, following through with plans made, busy living.
Maybe it's me. Maybe I've stopped calling the people I care most about as much as I used to. Maybe I text less. Yet I'm constantly getting "I'll call you back.", or I get nothing. No call back. No answer. No reply.

I feel like I'm trying to place myself where I don't belong.

10:57 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

1) See the trap. 2) Jump in.

No, it's okay.
Trick me, I fall for it.
Lure me and then drop me.
I don't need to be caught, the floor feels fine.

11:57 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

I’ll never tell.
Category: Life

I've done this a few times, but I like to take advantage of it when it comes up. It makes me feel obligated to actually do this. And sometimes it makes me feel better because I've gotten it out. Even if I probably should say it to the person, instead being a coward and posting it for people to figure out for themselves.

THE RULES:
+List 13 things to say to 13 people.
+Do not state who these people are, let them figure out who it is.

1. Holy crap. There is so much I want/need to say to you, yet I find that I've already said it a million times. My emotions are all tangled up together. I can't pick just one. I'm all of these emotions when I'm around you. I can't tell if I should be happy to be spending time with you or if I need to keep my guard up when I'm around you. Sometimes I even think I should be YELLING at you when I see you. I want to punch you in the face. I want to kiss your face. We have been through so much these past seven months.  I want to hate you, but goddamnit, I'm so fucking in love with you. I hate that no matter how many times you walk out on me, I'm going to be sitting here waiting for you to call, waiting for you to come back home because I know you always will. And I think you're finally learning that I'm not going anywhere. I love you.

2. It seems as if everytime you call, I'm too busy to speak with you. When I'm not busy, it seems like I'm distracted. I apologize. I do miss you. I do want to see you and hang out with you. I just have so much going on lately and I'm all over the place. You have things going on, but they're things that are keeping you a little more attatched to yourself than what I've got going on. They're keeping you a little more sane, while mine are driving me crazy. Just know that no one has taken your place, no one connects with me like you do. I love you.

3. Dude, thanks for fucking being there. I love coffee and cigarettes with you. School is a little easier with you there. I'm glad we haven't argued except for those two times and I'm glad that you stuck around even after I bitched at you hardcore. You already know how much I appreciate you, because I tell you a lot. I love you.

4. Man. I'm sorry for dragging your emotions around. I'm really pleased that you've decided to still remain friends with me, even if it is still hard for you. I love you.

5. You haven't made any improvements, but I still love you.

6. That apology letter was so uncalled for. I just lash out and expect you to have all the answers. You're supposed to make everything better, but I guess it was easier to kiss a boo-boo when I was a child than it is to mend a broken heart. Thanks for being there for the past 17 years. I love you.

7. MOVE BACK UP HERE!

8. It's still Pirate and Mermaid. MAKE ME A SAMMICH!

9. I know you'll probably never truly accept the fact that I'm a lesbian, but I must admit, you're dealing with it well. Thank you for letting me be who I am, in your house. I'm glad you found love again. I was afraid I'd have to watch you grow old alone, which would have broke my heart. She's great. I appreciate the last 17 years. See you this summer! I love you.

10. I'm proud of you. So fucking proud. Can't wait to see you in the summer.

11. In just a short period of time, you've become more like family to me than anyone I've ever met. You treat him wonderfully, and he deserves that. You're such a selfless, giving woman and I really appreciate it. See you this summer!

12. I still don't believe you.

13. You're welcome. Now you get to see your daughter everyday. I hope you're happy.

Out.

8:01 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Whitney Elizabeth.
Category: Life

I am me.
I am old.
I am new.
I am stubborn.
I am passive.
I am honest.
I am deceiving.
I am tough.
I am rude.
I am blunt.
I am caring.
I am nosey.
I am obnoxious.
I am friendly.
I am respectful.
I am kind.
I am insecure.
I am envious.
I am carefree.
I am conceited.
I am selfish.
I am weak.
I am destructive.
I am vindictive.
I am jealous.
I am harmful.
I am harmless.
I am optimistic.
I am annoying.
I am fun.
I am beautiful.
I am open-minded.
I am free-spirited.
I am irrational.
I am ugly.
I am posessive.
I am sarcastic.
I am pessimistic.
I am immature.
I am forgiving.
I am rational.
I am agressive.
I am protective.
I am bitter.
I am comforting.
I am mature.
I am opinionated.
I am spoiled.
I am level-headed.
I am harsh.
I am cold.
I am attentive.
I am aware.
I am observant.
I am understanding.
I am indecisive.
I am a lover.
I am a fighter.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister.
I am a niece, granddaughter and cousin.
I am a friend.
I am an enemy.
I am a human being.

I come as an open book. I will never be the first to judge you, especially for your past. I come with an open heart, hoping to gain new friends by the end of the night. I, like everyone else, can either be the biggest bitch, or the nicest person you have ever met. No, it doesn't all lay in your hands. It lays in mine, and I will choose to be in which ever mood I feel is appropriate. I put all of my trust into your hands, but as soon as you betray that, there is no turning back. I try my hardest to avoid confrontation, but it always seems to find me. I won't lie to you to make you feel better, because in the end, it's only going to make you feel worse and that will be all my fault. I've been through enough, give or take a few you lessons you might have/have not learned. I am harsh, and I will hurt you with my words. I will beat you down with my glares. I will bear you down, and wear you out. I will care for you when you are sick, I will take the shirt off of my back for anyone, and I will help you in your time of need. I will protect you, and stand up for you in any way possible. I dislike gossip, it is unnecessary. If you have something to say, you better get right out and say it. I am very giving and passive, to a fault. You may want to take advantage of that, but I suggest you think twice, for I will come with a vengeance. I will make your life a living hell. I am a constant thinker, but never much of a conversationalist. Ocassionally, I will speak before I think, which gets me into a rut. I am old-fashioned, in a modern form. I am very family oriented. My friends are the family I chose, and thank God it was all of them. I am respectful, and the only thing I ever expect in return is the same respect, nothing less and nothing more. I am only a human being, just like the rest of you. I make mistakes, so excuse me while I start all over.

This is me. Take it, or leave it.
=]

5:04 PM - 1 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment