The Cardinal Rule/Sweet Pea
Current mood: blissful

Rules are made to be broken, after all.

You would think I would have learned by now, but no. A week ago today, a little black horse called Elfie gave birth to a gorgeous dark colt. Unnamed as of yet, I found myself calling him Sweetpea (a name that would have, no doubt, been embarassing for him several years down the line).

I spent the next two days taking care of a foal who would neither get up nor drink on his own. A precious little family formed in that box stall as Elfie took me on as her second foal, and Sweetpea struggled to hold onto life.

In the end he didn't make it. And like horses do, Elfie's life returned to normal very shortly.

But I will never forget the way it feels to instantly and completely love something, nor will I ever forget the magic of waking up entangled with Sweetpea in clean straw, Elfie standing protectively overtop of us.

Love, in the end, is worth breaking rules for.

9:43 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Thunder
Current mood: luminous

Almost a whole year later, in the back of a car with two people who I cared about far too much, their laughter and conversation sailing past my ears, a familiar song plays on the radio.

My song.

Your song.

Our song.

Even after all of this time, the familiar lyrics and wistful voice carry me backwards in time, through struggles and lessons and happiness. Back to a girl who was so much less aware, and so much more willing to let her whole life pass her by.

Enter this summer, and the emergence of a girl looking to find herself. Midnights turned into five am, and she learned the art of sneaking out. She learned how to let go of expectations and be a creature of the night. She learned to gaze at stars on the hood of a car and make wishes while hands roamed where they shouldn't have. She learned the futility of the word no, and the fragility of her own soft voice. She learned the power of resistence, and the hurt that follows an inability to stand up for what she knows is right. She learned to let go of the things that held her back and step out of crushing familiarity into newness, and self discovery. She learned that no matter how many shots of vodka she downs, she'll never forget your name. She learned how to mold her body, and the double edged sword of control. She learned the true meaning of fear, and the fragility of life. She learned how to love and feel and fear and hurt.

Some things never change. Some things last only a heartbeat. Every breath and day we're blessed with is precious, and the newfound depth of heart and soul I have uncovered is worth the things I have endured to become what I am right now. I'm stronger, and happier, and truer than ever before. I have all of the voices that carried my summer to thank for that.

In one moment and a four minute song on the radio while two old friends told weed-laced jokes in the front seat, I was carried back a year, to a girl who was far more optomistic, and far less willing to lay it all on the line on the off chance that maybe, just maybe...

I was right all along.

12:11 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Once In A Blue Moon
Current mood: sad

Go ahead and say I care too much.

But abandonment is abandonment and when you don't even care enough to speak to me civilly, and then stay long enough to make things better, of course I am hurt. When you ignore me, of course I am hurt. When you leave me for weeks on end, of course I hurt.

I am not here for your convenience. I am not a toy you can pick up and put down when you feel like it, despite the way I might lead you to believe such is the case and what I desire.

I am surprised at myself for still caring enough to be typing this through tears of loss and hurt and confusion. What do I do? What am I supposed to do? What path do I have left but to leave when you offer me sarcasm and have the self righteousness to act hurt when it is I who have been left behind time and time again. You want me to crawl back to you and beg you forgive me for daring to be hurt by your thoughtlessness? I would say that you will be waiting a long time, except that I know you don't care enough to wait at all.

I am but a passing thought in your awareness once in a blue moon.

I am but a flutter of wind on your face that catches your attention only momentarily.

I am but a wisp of grass on your cheek, to be brushed off and forgotten about.

You may not think you have treated me badly but I have been hurt and is that not enough? If you truly love me like you say you do, maybe it would be.

But I forget. I am but a toy. Because since you've never seen the tangible me, my feelings are thus not important.

I didn't want you to drop your whole life for me. Not once did I say that nor did I expect myself worthy of it. But a bit of consideration would be nice.

You leave it to me to finish this fight one way or another. Leave the door open for me to step through into trusting you again. Well darling, I'm sorry to say you might as well close that door because I will not be the one making the effort this time. It goes both ways.

I love you as dearly as any friend, and I will miss you as I have since you found something more amusing. I wish you well and don't wish you any ill. If you want me to amuse you again, I will not be here. But if you ever need me, I most likely will be.

And for the record, the apology should not be from my hand...

9:09 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Words
Current mood: grumpy

Words.

Cost you nothing.

It's so easy

to throw them around.

And let them fall.

Shatter.

Forgotten.

The hurt remains.

And I need something more.

3:52 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

My Fickle Heart.

Isn't.

Silly, and slightly masochistic maybe. But not fickle. Just lost and confused and searching, searching, searching. Can you really call it fickleness when all it was, was running up against dead ends and finding myself having to change courses yet again? I wasn't fickle. I just hadn't gotten it right.

That said, I wish my silly heart would have listened to me, at least once. But I supposed even that initial warning given to a silly heart is sign enough of things to come. In the end I would chose to feel, and to hurt and make my life more complicated. I would rather have that than the apathy back. Anyday.

I don't really know why I wanted to write only that I needed to get these thoughts off my chest in a way that leaves me able to say what I have to say and not worry as much about hurting the person I say it to.

I wanted to tell you. Really. But I was afraid of hurting you and afraid of the doors saying the thoughts out loud would open up. So I talked in circles around it, hoping you would guess or ask me outright. But of course you're too good to me and simply take my words on faith. Sometimes I need you to push me for more, because I really do need to talk and to vent and to be the less strong one every now and again.

Don't get me wrong, for the most part things are falling so into place right now and it's a beautiful thing to watch the chaos inside me beginning to settle.

As for matters of my silly heart. Maybe I'm just doing it wrong. I'm bitter and cynical and hurting right now. I don't want anything to do with love and relationships, nope, one night stands are the MOST I could want right now. I still love those I have said I loved, but so much still hurts, and I have learned that I can't expect anything to be different when I am still the same.

More than anything, the denial hurts. The acceptance of what simply cannot be -yet is- right now hurts. The knowledge that what my heart wants so badly has to wait hurts. The corner I have backed myself into hurts. The knowledge that nothing will ever compare to that -except perhaps that which I cannot ever have- hurts.

I'm willing to wait.

But at the same time I'm not.

8:26 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Short Sleeves.

I wore short sleeves today.

No, the cuts are not gone. No, I’m not just searching for attention or advice or help. I’m not, really. I’m just tired of hiding, tired of the secrets and the shame. I’m tired of holding it all in, and I. Will. Not. Be. Weighed. Down. By. This. Anymore.

A month ago I sat down with a postcard and thought about the secret I was going to send in to PostSecret. I wrote it out. Ripped it up. Wrote it out. Ripped it up. And then I, who thought I had no secrets but that one, suddenly had lots, and they cam out on little pieces of construction paper.

What was I going to do with all of these secrets? I put them into an envelope (yes, the ripped one too) and left them there until today. Today, I took them out and read them (no, not the ripped one) then put them back. I wrote a letter, put it in the envelope, and sealed it. Wrote "Dear You" on the outside of it, and plan to leave it in a copy of PostSecret today.

I wrote out one more secret, that I will send off myself.

With it goes the last of my demons.

I am by no means healed, but I will not be weighed down anymore. I have realized all over again the foolishness of hating myself for the things that others did. It was not my fault, and never will be. I’m not trying to lay blame elsewhere here, instead I wish to alleviate it alltogether. The things that happened, happened. And now they’re done and gone. What is the sense of punishing myself for them, and hating myself? I’ve lived with so much self hatred and so much fear this past year, and I want it gone. I need to purge myself of everything that has held me down and held me back.

In the end (if there ever is an end) it is learning to love myself that has been the hardest lesson. I’m no where near there yet, but I am realizing that I have so much to offer. The world is an awfully lonely place to be in when your worst enemy is yourself.

Will this renewed strength last? I don’t know. I hope it will, and I know I have the means to make it happen. I just need to be gentle with myself.

I know too, that I can’t expect the same level of selflessness in times of trouble from others as I give to those I love. Not everyone gives themselves as much as I do (with good reason. We need to have limits) and that is okay. But I have to stop seeing that as abandonment, because nothing will ever get better. I can rely on myself, and I can rely on other people as well, but ultimately I have to be able to hold myself up because if I can’t do that then everything else is moot.

There will still be nights that are hard and long and black, but there will be days filled with sunshine and love. That’s just life. I would not trade this feeling for the numbness of before. Not ever.

I want this, and for the first time, I finally believe that I can have it.

I love you, and I’m not leaving you behind. But it’s time to really make the change, not just talk about it.

<3

9:55 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Something Has To Change
Current mood: stressed

Is there ever such a thing as too many options and too many opportunities? There most definetly is. I’m so excited, scared, hopeful, worried, optomistic, stressed, overwhelmed... I don’t know what to do, and I could do so well if I could just choose correctly right now. Following my heart is complicated by my heart wanting to go more than one direction at once. What do I do?! I know I can only answer that question myself but still...

I have opportunities this summer that I will never have this way again, but there’s so much and I worry about time and money and the logistics of international flights from place to place without sight of home. I have the one thing that has been missing from my horse showing career until now - a good horse. Several good horses to be exact. But again, time and money worry me, and I want to be able to give each thing I do all of my heart and dedication. I have a job that will hopefully take me where I need to go for now, and give me the means to this end, but I don’t know how much time I can afford to take away from it.

As far as a place to live for the next few years of my life, I’m 90% sure I’ve settled that one out. I looked at a place yesterday that felt just right, and unless something goes wrong it should be mine for September within the next week.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m lucky to have all of this at my feet. But everyone in my life wants something from me, wants me to be with them and I just don’t have the time, don’t have the energy, and it’s beginning to really stress me out. I love each and every one of you, I really truly do. But I can’t be spread this thin. I’ve been taking on too much. I’m tired, I keep getting sick, and I am far more emotional than I ever have been. Little things that never used to upset me are getting to me. I’m passing my classes but barely, and I hate school.

I don’t know what to do about school. I hate it so much, more and more every day, and I feel like I’m trapped in something that’s not going to take me to what I need to be. It gets harder and harder to just stick it out and part of me regrets the descision to take the four year program in five years, because it means that I have to spend another year in this hell. I went from getting good grades without effort to barely passing and being on the verge of academic probation.

I’m stuck in a place that’s between broken and healed, where I no longer have an excuse for feeling the way I do and having as much trouble as I’m having, but I’m not better yet and can’t put the heart and effort into things because I just don’t have it yet. The bad habits I’ve ’kicked’ lie just beneath the surface. One slip and I could be so much worse.

Oh how do you hold it all together?!

And all the while, my heart is screaming. This is not what I wanted. Not at all.

Somehow, everything twisted around on me while I was trying to make everyone else happy, and now everything has turned out wrong. I don’t know what to do about it. Don’t know what to fix first, where to put my energy.

As for other matters. I can’t put my life on hold for you anymore. I love you but I can’t keep waiting for you, putting you above myself, and I know that’s not what you’re asking. But it is. I need you and care about you but sometimes I wish it was different. Life cast us a difficult lot, and I never regretted that and still don’t. But please... just... if you’re not going to want me like I want you, please tell me so I can stop hoping.

I keep making things hard for myself. I understand that too. Living in the moment can have major consequences. I keep putting myself in corners that have no way out except to self destruct or hurt others. So of course I self destruct.

If you’re not going to put in at least as much effort as me, I’m sorry but I will cut you out of my life. You can say you love me all you want to, I don’t believe you anymore. So I’m sorry, and goodbye. You’ve helped me learn all over again that anyone can say those words, and in the end I am the fool for believing them. I should know better.

Friendships and love go both ways. You can’t keep expecting me to be able to help you, and not want to help me in return. Nothing will ever change how I feel about you, but maybe I’m running out of heart. I’m getting tired of saying the same things over and over again and not being heard. I’m getting tired of being brought the same issues over and over again and I just don’t have anything new to say. Stop looking to me for an epiphany, I can’t give you one. I’m tired of having my own hurt lost inside yours. Read between the lines: sometimes I need you too.

And please don’t take this the wrong way. I’m tired and I’m venting. I love you all and don’t want you to feel guilty for anything. You shouldn’t. I don’t want you to stop coming to me, because I like that you trust me and I want to do what I can to help you.

Just... I’m tired of always being the strong one. Because sometimes I’m not. Maybe I’m just a stupid, ordinary looking girl with too many dreams, no self control, and a heart that breaks too easily.

Please.

Make.

This.

Go.

Away.

I just want to sleep.

8:34 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Johnny C. B.
Current mood: breezy

A year ago today I logged onto a new website. I had resisted joining for two weeks, and finally caved to a good friend (<3 Mlee) and the desire to RP again. Who would have guessed that that little decision would change my life irreversibly. Had you told me a year ago that I would be who I am today, I probably would have slapped you.

Now that I am this person, I would never want to be anyone else.

So back to my story...

A year ago today, on the aforementioned website, I struck up an awkward conversation with a boy named John.

John soon became Johnny.

Who I soon realized, is one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my entire life. Far braver and stronger than he would ever give himself credit for being, but at the same time sensitive and open to feeling.

Over this past year, from Johnny and with Johnny I have grown and learned so much. Partially on my own -recognizing the broken in me and finally finally taking the steps to fixing it- and partially with him.

Johnny taught me about love. That I truly did have the capacity to love with all my heart, and maybe even call it passionate. That love hurts, but love heals. That even though I live by the phrase "love is not enough" sometimes love is all you have, and at 5am, it just has to be enough.

I've learned how long and dark a night can be when you're holding on with everything you have. How distance means nothing and distance means everything, but when it comes right down to it, we can see right through each other.

I've learned that there are people who will understand you and help you and who want to see you rise above yourself to be who you know you can be. I've learned about all kinds of things that I never thought I would have to deal with in my own life (and which I don't care to go into detail about. Those who need to know, know). I have learned that we are all -every single one of us- so much more than we ever thought we could be. Even in our smallest, darkest moments.

It's not in the light and happy moments that we shine. Nor is it in the light and happy moments that our true colours show.

It is in the middle of the night at our blackest hour when all we have is ourselves and it is not nearly enough.

I have learned about illness, and have learned the true meaning of fighting for one's life.

Johnny has taught me about feeling things. Through him I have learned how to open myself and be honest to myself about the things I feel. I have learned about the intensity of emotion and the illusions of our own reality.

Our life is what we perceive it to be. That is all. It is no more or less than this.

Johnny taught me that when things get hard you can't just get up and walk away. Sometimes the hardest thing you can do is sit down and talk it out. Sometimes the hardest thing to realize is that our own hurts and heartbreaks can, if we let them, destroy everything good we've created for ourselves.

I have learned about making mistakes and about forgiving mistakes. And that maybe sometimes things truly are meant to happen in the way that they do. Maybe some people are meant to be together, and maybe some people are meant to make the mistakes that they do in the ways that they do because if it happened any different it simply wouldn't work.

I have learned that just like my thoughts and feelings, my beliefs can change. That things I would have sworn against and laughed scornfully at a year ago, are now a part of the way I think and feel. Things I never thought possible for anyone -least of all me- have happened and can happen and will happen.

Perhaps this seems bittersweet, and if so it is only because this year has been an neye opening one. It's been happy, sad, whirlwinded. It's been the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, and every confusing, complicated thing in between.

But you know what?

I would not change it for the world.

I hope that shines through in every word I've said here, and in everything I do and say in the future.

Johnny means the world to me.

And more.

I have been lucky to know him.

<3<3<3

8:33 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

One Year, and A Lot Of Lessons
Current mood: artistic

We've spent so long just running in circles, trapped by a yearning to be free of this madness, the knowledge that we can be better than this, and the fear of the unknown. The knowledge that in order to heal we might have to break a little more first, and the fear that we can't get up after falling lower than right now. The hope for better days because there are better days. The lack of faith in ourselves, for even though we doubt it at every turn, Baby we're stronger than this. We're so much stronger than we ever would have believed, and it is a bittersweet victory to finally learn that.

This past year has taught me so much, and I finally have the courage to put it down on paper. To face everything I have become -which is really just everything I always was, with the masks taken off- and to finally make it change. I refuse to settle for the quick fix, because there is no quick fix, only bandaids that cover up the wounds with bright colours, while the hurt festers deeper than ever. Every time you cover up a hurt with a smile it makes it harder to heal.

I never wanted to be this girl but I guess I always was her. Finally I have recognized the pattern and taken the steps to break it. Instead of jumping back up after falling down, I have allowed myself to stay here and learn what it means to be rock bottom. I've learned how it feels to be alone, to need help and not have it. I have learned that my biggest weakness was my own fear of reaching out for help, because that help was never there for me. I would reach out a hand only to be dropped halfway. I have learned to learn that there are people who wont drop me, I only have to recognize the difference.

I have learned all over again the feeling of total despair and hopelessness. The bitter desire to give it all up, and the frightening ache with desire to simply not wake up in the morning. I have learned how it feels to be completely drained of every reserve, and how to muster up reserves of strength despite it. I have learned to just hold the fuck on even when I feel I can barely take another breath, because one day things wont be so hard.

I have learned fear. Fear of myself and the extent of my injuries. Fear of reaching for help and being let down. Fear of killing myself and fear of not. Fear because it would be so easy to fall from here to a place where I truly would shatter. Fear of needing him as much as I do, and fear of waking up to a world that no longer had a place for him. Fear of letting my heart be open to completely become his partner in every sense of the word. Fear of not opening my heart and losing more than I have ever had to lose before.

I am afraid of what lies ahead because I know the road we've chosen to travel is not an easy one, and it may very well get a hell of a lot harder before it gets easier. I live for the days when everything is right, because they show me how it can be and how it will be one day if we can just hold the fuck on.

I have learned that there is always something to live for. That even in the depths of the blackest summer there was some reason to hold on, even if i never believed it completely.

I have learned to admit that I am hurting. To open my heart and mind and listen to the stories of people who have hurt just like me, and who will willingly help me despite not knowing me. I have learned the brilliance of the human heart and the power of an empathy that chokes me up because its just so astonishing.

I have learned that my worst enemy truly is myself. No one hates me as much as I do, and I am slowly learning to treat myself with care and love.

I have learned to let go. Let go of the hurt. Let go of the hope that people who never loved you will suddenly start. Let go of the need to prove to myself that I am good enough for them to stay when they never wanted to anyways. Let go of the eating disorder. Let go of the alcoholism. Let go of the desire to rip myself apart physically. Let go of the need to be perfect. Let go of the need to be everyone's hero. Let go of the panic. Let go of the insecurity. Let go of all the acting. Let go, let go, let go.

I have learned that it is not as hard as we think it is in the moment. That everything is bigger and more frightening in the middle of the night when you're tired and overwhelmed and afraid to sleep afraid to be awake.

I have learned that I am afraid to simply sit and be, because I don't like what I see in myself and its easier to be always in motion than it is to sit and deal with the demons in my head and heart.

I have learned that it is not always about me, and that I can't continuously tie my self worth into the actions and reactions of other people. They have their own demons and defenses just the same as me, and it is not always my fault.

I have learned that, like it or not, the heart is always right. Always. If you just sit still and listen the answer is most likely already there. We over complicate things by overthinking them. All of life's big questions would not be so big if we could just learn to stop being busy, put down all of our defense mechanisms and listen to that little voice inside us that already knows the answer, and would be more than willing to share it if only we would let go of our pride and LISTEN.

I have learned that despite my best intentions I have always allowed myself to settle for treatment that is less than I deserve. I have learned finally that I deserve better, and that there are people out there who will treat me the way I need to be treated. I have learned that in order to be treated the way I need to be treated, I first have to open my mouth and speak up when my needs are not being met.

I have learned that I am going to be okay. That every obstacle in my way is only temporary. That if we spend all our time hoping for better tomorrows we will never get there because tomorrow is ALWAYS a day away. We have today and we have to make it what we wish tomorrow would be.

Everything can change to be the life you want it to be. You just have to open your heart, put in a little more effort, and MAKE it so. No amount of wishing will get you where you need to be. Even what was 'meant to be' takes work. Just because its right doesn't mean its always going to be easy.

Setbacks are not the end of the world. Learn from them, and move on.

Listen to your heart. The way you are feeling is important, and it tells you something. If we dwell on the feeling instead of working for the solution we will never get anywhere. Likewise, nothing is as bad as we spin it out of proportion to be.

I am learning to feel. To allow myself to be hurt and disappointed and angry. To put down the hero act and let myself be broken when I am broken. None of it will last, but all of it will linger if I don't just allow it to happen. I am learning to let go of control and just be content to let things happen as they will. I am learning that being brave does not mean lacking fear, it means feeling that fear and moving forwards anyways.

I have learned that life loves to throw things at us just at the moment we feel like we cant take any more, and just at the moment we were not expecting it. How many times have you thrown your hands in the air and cried "I can't deal with this right now!!" and then proceed to do just that because we do not have a choice, and we are capable of so much more than we ever could guess.

I have grown, and momentarily regressed but am working forwards again. There was a time when it was an acomplishment simply to make it a day without crying. But that in itself is okay. It's time to stop fighting the tears, stop fighting the feelings and simply LET IT HAPPEN, and LET IT GO.

It is going to be okay. There is always hope, it's just not always easy to see.

<3

12:08 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Growing Up
Current mood: contemplative

All my life I have been that girl who never had trouble walking away. I could let go of all (or most, though I would have liked to say all) emotional attachment and sever those I loved from my life with a cold efficiency. When the going got tough all I ever had to do was turn around and walk away. Perhaps it was strength. Perhaps weakness. Perhaps it was a bit of both, or maybe it was just an immaturity. I have not fooled myself into thinking that I no longer have this ability,

But somewhere along the line things changed.

Life isn't that simple anymore.

When things get hard you can't just turn around and walk away. You can't throw your hands in the air and give up. Anything worth having is worth working for and often times it does take work. Lots of work. So maybe things aren't as easy as they could be right now, but there is a new steadiness inside my fickle heart. A new willingness to just stay put and exert a little effort. This isn't childhood anymore, the same problems I have been running away from and 'letting go of' all my life have, in truth, not gone anywhere. It's time to stop letting go and stop running away, to instead turn and embrace the things that make this time a tough one, and learn to heal. Only then can I truly let go.

8:30 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment