A great excuse, God will provide.

At first I was a little surprised to learn that the average age in Utah is 27.  Take one trip to walmart during the day and you'll figure it out.  I was getting groceries today and saw a woman pushing around 2 carts, one had 5 kids in it!  I doubt any of them were older than 5-6. 

I've been in debates with people about overpopulation and a common response is, "God will provide," --what a scary thought sometimes.  There are many christians/mormons/republicans that use this phrase all the time.  We're supposed to have as many kids as we can provide for.  You can look around the world presently and see many examples of how this is completely untrue.

I don't believe that God takes an active role in our lives.  Consider that once the world had a population of 1 billion, it took 100 years to reach 2 million.  After, it took 30 more years to reach 3 billion.  Think back of the JFK assassination, the world had half the population it does now.  I read a study, I don't remember where presently, that said in a perfect world where we used advanced agriculture on all the usable farmland in the world, it could theoretically support around 16 billion.  That might sound like we've got a lot of cushion, but consider, that is the whole world cooperating and sharing. 

What happens when we run out or resources?  Millions and millions of people will start dying of hunger and growing poverty.  If that happens, how many people are going to be asking, "Where is God?  How can he allow this to happen?"

If that happens, the real question should be, where were we when we should have taken responsibility and realized that the population cannot continue to grow at the pace it's going. Then again, "if" it does come to to that point, I suppose it was all a part of God's plan, right?

1:55 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Should we drill Alaska for oil?

I was talking with some people at work earlier and they started discussing whether we should start drilling for oil in Alaska.  Their logic was mostly to decrease our dependence of foreign oil.  Supposedly there is enough oil there for the US for 70 years or something….

I think it was chruchill that said something along the lines that humanity always does the right thing, though, only usually after doing all the wrong things.  This would be one of those wrong things!

The oil companies have repeatedly set record profits by price gouging the average person by increasing prices.  Those sons of bitches, right?  Wrong, I am grateful for what they've done.  Al Gore set off trying to deliver his message around the world about Global Warming.  Some people are still ignorant enough to believe that the warming over the past several years is just something natural in the cycle of the planet.  Because of this, people still really aren't as motivated as they should be about doing something to help reduce the damage humanity is having on the environment. 

This is where big oil has helped people make up their minds for them.  They have increased the cost for you to be polluters.  The puts you in a place where decreasing your energy consumption not only decreases your expenses, but also decreases the damage you're contributing to. 

Only with really high prices would it ever be equitable for people to invest in renewable energy.  Wind power and solar are really starting to expand, mainly because it is so much more cost effective.  The technology will always follow the money.  I guess it is a good thing it has also caught the attention of unstoppable Google.  http://www.eetimes.com/news/semi/showArticle.jhtml?articleID=207400875

Google has now dropped serious funding into both eSolar and Nanosolar.  eSolar is a company that touts being able to make large scale, cheap heat based solar plants (light is reflected to a specific point generating heat).  Nanosolar makes panels using a CIGS (Copper Indium Gallium-Sellinide) cells on a roll to roll fabrication process.  I have been following nanosolar since I read the first article that Google dropped 100 million to help them start their first major manufacturing plant.  They are now in production there and are sold out passed 2009.  Traditional solar cells cost about $4 per watt by using silicon.  Nanosolar claims their cells can be produced for as little as $.30 per watt and are presently selling their panels for $1 a watt (still some damn good profit margin)!  There are other companies that are also developing CIGS cells but won't be able to provide good  competition with nanosolar for quite some time. 

Don't forget, we also have the new CAFE standards passed by the government from the new energy bill.  Vehicles will have to become smaller and more fuel efficient.  Have you thoughts altered about the vehicles you get and your driving habits by the cost of gas?  If not, hopefully they will be by the time gas is $4.5.  This has also perpetuated many (though I won't list them) companies, mainly in California, that are producing electric or single/double passenger cars.  Again, here the advancement has rapidly accelerated because the demand is starting to shift. 

I only hope though, that these benefits we develop will outpace our increasing energy consumption and finally begin to reduce our demand.  If we can make it to this point, we will owe the oil companies for finally forcing our hand away from them.  Our advancements in the past several years moving toward renewable energy and decreased carbon production has been perpetuated mostly by them. 

Thank you, big oil, for making being more environmentally friendly cost effective!

12:45 AM - 9 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Try to wrap your head around this

So this star exploded 7.5 billion light years away, which means it exploded 7.5 billion years ago.  This light has been traveling at almost 6 trillion miles per year for 7.5 billion years.  This could be seen by the naked eye, and I would have to think, the oldest event that any human being has ever witnessed.  The light from this explosion traveled roughly half of what the believed current width of the universe is.  This ends up to be 4,425,000,000,000,000,000,000 miles!!  Think of how much could actually change in 7.5 billion years.  How insignificant we really are.


http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/space/03/21/exploding.star.ap/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

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My life should sound like this!

Let me ask you this, have you ever listened to a song where you thought, "I want my life to be like that"?  How is that even possible?  I'm not entirely sure, but some songs have come close in the past.  I finally found one that feels right--93 seconds of pure bliss. 

I recently picked up the showtime series, the tudors.  Immediately I was captivated by the title theme song. The composer has it available on his myspace page.  If you listen to this normally, it will be a beautiful piece.  For me though, this must be listened to with headphones on, your eyes closed, and loud.  It is completely immersive.  I can't imagine what it would have actually sounded like being in the recording studio with this being played live.  Hopefully you have a good quality sounds system for this song... I think one of its great qualities is how you can physically feel it...  It has several different waves you're exposed to that can be felt as well as heard.  I've had this song on repeat for the last 30 minutes.

It isn't the highest quality online, sadly, but it is what is available:

http://www.myspace.com/trevormorris 

5:24 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I finally faced myself

I'm not sure how to start this blog, it seems like there is so much to say.  This has been the focus on my thoughts now for the last week, so it seems like something is telling me it's time to release some of these thoughts.  Through writing, sometimes I start to see things I would otherwise be unable.  This could quite well be the longest I've ever written.  Also, I'm not going to bother editing this one because I don't have the time or energy right now to do so.

I wrote a blog before about how difficult it was for people to change.  Without a very dramatic experience or a lengthy process, I've never witnessed major changes in a person.  There have been aspects inside of me that I've wanted to change for a long time… some of these things made me scared of myself at times. 

There have always been things in my life that I can't really explain.  For some reason, my brain will sometimes get stuck on something and be blocked.  One of these times was me putting in applications into the masters program at school.  For some reason, I could never bring myself to actually fill things out.  I ended up with a great internship at Micron and eventually decided to go there full time.  The opportunity looked great, and I always thought, that was the reason I didn't fill out the applications—I was meant to go to Boise.

It's been roughly 14 months since I moved from home, a period of time that feels more like 3 years to me.  I'm starting to realize that Micron was not the reason, a much more important one actually existed. 

The start of this has to go to the core of the most influential moment of my life. This summer, my 8^th anniversary of my car accident will pass.  I don't think I was ever capable of really understanding or having the capability to really deal with what happened with me.  The person I became was more devoid of recognizable feelings.  I wrote this cinquain in high school that kind of explains it:

 
Shattered,

Feelings once known,

Floating from piece to piece,

Changing my masks along the way,

Broken.

 
I still had feelings, very strong ones at times, but it was always difficult for me to know what I was feeling.  The ones that I always recognized though was this overwhelming influence of rage.  Anger was never a feeling I was without. 

In many ways, back then I was able to turn that rage into fuel for motivation.  Hardly anything could penetrate my composure.  I really thought I would be able to handle anything life threw at me.  I started to focus that anger into making myself successful.  Anything that made me angry just made me work more.  Even my classmates, many who treated me poorly in high school, became images in my mind of people I had to be more successful than.  They became what I could not let myself be.  Peer pressure was nonexistent to me.  This rage made me strong, confident, impenetrable, unstoppable, etc.  Most often though, I was too much of these things. 

I graduated and finally got to leave all those that used to ridicule me with all the fuel I needed to assure I would have a successful college career—failure simply wasn't an option.  While I didn't know anyone at college, I had no trouble making and building worthwhile friendships and getting involved in whatever I could.  Much like high school, I kept pushing my stress boundaries.  I remember moments in college where I never thought I would have enough time to do everything.

I remember one of my favorite professors and mentors, Dr. Mina, pulling me aside after class once where he said, "Randy, you can do better.  Why aren't you doing better?"

I responded by saying, "Mani, what do you do when you don't have enough time to do anything to the level you want but am also unwilling to give up anything to have more free time?"

His response was, efficiency.  This is one of those guys that always had an answer or piece of advice, one of the wisest I have ever known.   He ended up being one of my greatest advocates though, for being an engineer that was also interested in people (psych minor), and more importantly, being involved in student government. 

Each semester had these moments of extreme stress from the seemingly impossible commitments I had sometimes made.  It was usually 1 or 2 weeks throughout the semester and finals week.  I don't know why I kept doing it though.  Every week I felt this way, I assured I would do less the next semester so I didn't have to deal with it again—year right!  When grades finally came out and I saw that I actually had still remains successful, there was always a relief and feeling of triumph. 

There were times where I was single and felt pretty depressed throughout this time too.  I always thought I was learning and changing from these experiences, which I was.  Those changes though, never really had a lasting definitive effect though.  Through those times, I had so much else going on…. So much more to hide behind. 

As previously stated, there were things inside of me that scared me.  I admitted these to some of the closest people in my life for fear of what people would think of me.  I admitted that I was a capable liar.  I admitted that I thought I could be capable of someday cheating and being able to compartmentalize the event in my mind enough that it would faze me.  I was completely capable of keeping secrets.  If I ever got in a fight, I was always afraid that some switch would flip where I wouldn't be able to stop. 

I had always tried to be a good person, I know there have been times I wasn't very successful at doing so.  Some of the time, I felt like I was doing so just to prove that some of the things I felt inside of me didn't really exist.  I could always feel it though, in many ways it was those parts that gave me my motivation and strength.  I remember so many songs that would tap into this and make me feel powerful in a way. 

So where is this going?

I moved away from college, 1400 miles from my entire history to work at a place where I really knew no one.  After a few months, the sweet talk I had been given during my internship finally proved false.  There was also a good amount of devastating ex related things at the same time.  I reached a point where I had nothing left to hide behind.  My friends weren't around and you know how keeping in touch always works.  I had no relationship.  I had no classes or student groups.  My family wasn't around.  My work was unfulfilling.  It seemed like nothing in my life really had any meaning at this point.  When I faced my pillow at night, there was nothing really to look forward to, so all my thoughts were focused on my past and myself.  I finally was faced with myself and what was inside of me.

With this, I had also pretty much gave up on religion.  In those months after moving, I had been more depressed than I ever have been.  I kept seeing all the reasons that religion didn't make sense, and it basically lost its meaning to me.  It wasn't completely gone though… I still always kept wearing my necklace that has a small cross on it.  I also knew that when I thought of the type of girl I someday wanted to be with, I wanted her to be a Christian. 

So there I was, left with only myself.  I really had no other reason to stop me from being destructive or doing the wrong thing.  This summer I smoked a few cigarettes.  For people that really know me, you will understand that this is a much bigger deal than it seems.  I was never presented with anything worse, so I still don't know if I ever would have done anything more.  There was a night where I could have had a one night stand-ish sort of thing.  I definitely had the opportunity for emotionless and meaningless sex.  When that night came though….  I didn't.

Half a year later, the picture is becoming clearer.  I finally started to realize the changes that have been taking place in me.  There was nothing to prevent me that night.  She wanted it, so I was justified there.  I really didn't care about church, so that wasn't stopping me.  The majority probably would have… it many ways it seemed so easy.  It was easier not to care.  When I was left with nothing but me though, I didn't. 

I'm not as worried anymore about whom I thought was inside of me.  That moment came and I made the right decision.  The good person who I thought I was seems a bit more solid now. 

Some of these darker things inside of me I realize will never completely go away.  This is part of the experience I've had, a now inherent aspect of who I am.  What's different though, is its capacity of influence over me has diminished.  Much of that built up rage is gone.  I also decided that it isn't something that I would want completely gone from me either.  It's become a much more understood and controllable part of who I am. 

Take this for example…. With the girlfriends I've had in the past, I always felt compelled to know their complete "history."  It was a much bigger deal than it ever should have been.  I had to know because without knowing, the darker aspects of my mind would picture things that were worse.  I had a lot of problems dwelling on these things too—dwelling in general was a problem for me.  At this point though, I honestly feel like I wouldn't care that much.  I'm not so afraid of not knowing. 

 This last 14 months, which seems like SOOOO much longer, has really helped me deal with myself.  I think all of my views and wants are becoming more focused.  Who I am, is also becoming clearer.

 It wasn't easy for me to move away.  I know sometimes why I moved away doesn't make sense to the people I care about and that care about me.  I now understand the reasons and events that lead me to moving to be by myself.  I just want them to hopefully understand that this experience has been good for me.  I don't intend to stay so far away, but I had to be… I had to have nothing left to hide behind.  I wouldn't have been able to change without doing so.

 For once, I am actually ok with who I am. 

5:16 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Looking into the black

I've had times in the past where I just need to be alone.  I don't mean lucked up in my room alone, there are roommates right outside after all.  I mean, really alone.  Tonight was one of those nights...

I got in my car and started to drive in the blowing snow.  Utah lake, southwest of my house, showed very little aside from a road on the west side.  Heading that direction, I couldn't figure out if this was a good idea or very stupid one.  The roads were slick and snow accumulating but not drifting.  I took along my GPS as well so I could see and anticipate upcoming curves. 

I drove about 8 miles past the light I could remember--there was finally another little gravel road/end drive or something that I could turn around in and park my car.  I shut everything off and stepped outside.  With the giant lake, I figured I might be able to find a place in absence of any resemblance of society.  This was true.  With the snow and wind, I could see nothing. 

The wind was cutting through my sweatshirt as I took a few steps away from my car. Breathing deep the cold air, I gazed into the black.  You know how sometimes for no real reason, images of memories will play through your mind.  I could actually see them this time. 

I saw two dogs running toward me--dogs from childhood nightmares.  I saw an axe head lodged into a tree limb with the broken handle in my hands.  I saw a broken windshield.  I saw someone I used to care about close and lock a door in my face. 

The tone of the images started to change.  The basement of my parent's house appeared before it was ever finished with only half of the main room having some old carpet and my older brother holding a foam ball that we used to play kickball in the basement with.  I saw the large circles of friends that used to gather to play mafia ato college.  I saw an old friend, who I miss so much somtimes it hurts, knocking on doors in a hotel room pretending to be a pizza delievery person selling two pizzas we were given for free.  (He was successful).


I smiled as I felt the cold of the tear streak down my cheek. I got back into my car and drove back.  I miss the emotion...sometimes life just starts to feel so plain and numb.  Your left with driving out into the middle of nowhere in bad weather just to feel something. 

5:34 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Blogspot has been archived

I decided to look back at my old blog before I joined myspace.  Surprisingly it still existed even though I haven't signed in for probably a year.  I decided to make a lengthy post here archiving all of them. 

The chronological order goes from the bottom to the top. 

I originally started blogging with the idea that someday I might have some consistent readers offering decent amounts of good ideas/thoughts.  Looking back at this makes me realize the value of them for my own purposes. This includes some of my better thoughts over the past few years and I really enjoy being able to go back and read them...  It's interesting to read what I was thinking about back then.  Anyways... this will probably never get read by anyone other than me,  but I thought I'd put the explanation up just in case.

2:49 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

What i see when i look up 1

November 29, 2005

Did anyone else only have cloudy skies over fall break? One of the things I always loved about going home was getting away from all the lights in town and being able to have a much clearer view of the stars. This trip home, I never got my chance to look at them.

Even on the coldest days of the winter, I could remember coming home late from being out and still having to take a couple of minutes to look up an appreciate the clear sky that came with the crisp air.

2:48 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Problem with Groups

October 05, 2005

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Latest theory

September 07, 2005

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