CoolChaser

~Doc B, and the Morphine Express~

Last Updated:
Nov 7, 2008

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Gender: Male
Status: In a Relationship
Age: 25
Sign: Scorpio

City: Ft Riley
State: Kansas
Country: US

Signup Date: 08/15/06

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July 12, 2008 - Saturday

First Blood
Current mood: okay
Category: Blogging

Ok call me crazy, but until just the other day I'd never seen the first Rambo.  Oh I'd seen 2, 3 when i was a kid.  Mostly because the box looked cool, and it was rated R.  My own little rebellion.  But I'd never seen the first one. 

So I'm sitting there asn even though this is from the late 70's early 80's, it still had meaning to me.  Its rare that an action film has a message that isn't overly preachy, like "Shooter" (big oil is bad.  Republicans are worse) and actually had a baisis in real events aside from war films about actual events of course. What is the message?  Veitnam Vets went through a lot of shit, and they didn't deserve the crap they got comming back.  There's an especially toching moment at the end where Sly busts out the tears talking about his friend killed by a vietnameese IED. 

And he was right.  You don't just turn it off.  Over there, whether its the deserts of southwest asia or the jungles of south east asia, you are in your own way a king.  You're able to do anything, and more importantly you matter.  You're part of a team, and you live and die by, and for eachother.  Comming back stateside, even in garison, its not the same.  I've seen civillians scew eachother over for pennies, and I don't know how people keep walking with all the kinves in their backs. 

As for jobs, well its frusterating.  You go from Hero to Zero real quick.  Asked about you're "war stories" and they'll pay attention so long as its entertaining but no employer cares if you've gone days without sleep, and been covered in a friend's blood.

Its strange that this film touched such a cord with me.  Maybe in my own way I feel a lot like him.  No I'm not a killing machine, and I'd probably never shoot up a whole washington town just  cuz I got a little pissed off, but in my own way I feel like him.  Like the world likes to push even though I didn't do anything to deserve that kind of treatment. 

Although First Blood is way over exagurated (except for the parts with the National Guard, that's pretty much dead on) it deals with very real issues of PTSD and a society that just doesn't care fro its warriors. Even though a lot of people give lip service to supporting the troops, a lot of the prejudice concering "cracked out vets" is still there.  All you have to do is watch a movie or go to certain parts of the country in uniform *Berkley*

I hope someday I come to terms with what I've done, and had done to me, but for a lot of folks out there the war will never end.  For a lot of people the only peace they'll find is in the grave, and that, perhaps is the saddest thing of all.

4:44 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

March 24, 2008 - Monday

"The Wedding"
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Writing and Poetry

"I love you" she said to him. It was so simple and yet it meant everything to him. The air was still heavy from the musk of sex. Both of them were still drenched in sweat. He looked at her. Her naked form was so beautiful, and to have one so beautiful so loving, turn her attention to him was something that still made his jaw drop.

He sat on the edge of the bed. Just staring at her. Even though what had just happened might best be sent to penthouse forum, the way she lay there so relaxed and content, it was like something right out of the Louvre. Some might have called her plain but to him, angels did not look nearly as radiant or beautiful. She sat up and came to sit next to him. Her blond hair falling freely.

"what’s wrong?" she asked

He managed a shrug "nothing, it’s just. . . This. Its always what I wanted."

She smiled and he leaned over and kissed her. Her lips still seemed so soft. Even though they should be chapped. With out a hint of makeup she somehow seemed more beautiful than the models he’d always seen in magazines.

"I don’t want to lose you." he said to her in a quiet voice

"you won’t. you’ll never lose me." somehow she’d managed to say just the things he’d wanted to hear. He kissed her again.

"I don’t know if I’ll make it back this time." he said even quieter. Almost a whisper.

"you will. You have to come back to me."

He closed his eyes.

He opened his eyes, and the sound came back to him. It was like popcorn from hell. Each one a potentially lethal round cooking off. The Bradley sat burning just thirty meters away and still he could feel the heat. There was a screaming The man below him, a friend was missing the better portion of his right leg. Blood was streaming down his face from a gash above his right eye, and his left arm was charred the unmistakable, and nauseating smell of burnt flesh and hair wafting up to his nostrils.

He tried to drag the man to the house that had been cleared, but it wasn’t easy. He was heavy and mostly dead weight. Inside the courtyard, more men were screaming. One was holding the nearly headless body of a friend rocking back and forth begging pleading praying that through some miracle his friend would live.

Another had his hands on his stomach and scream. His intestines were hanging out and they looked like pink sausage links. In the corner a boy on his side moaned, ragged holes in his side. All around the sick crimson of blood was filling the courtyard. Already some of it had started to coagulate into globs.

Outside someone screamed and the unmistakable sound of an RPG headed towards here he now stood.

"You have to come back to me."

He closes his eyes.

He opens them

"dearly beloved we are gathered here today, in sight of God, to witness the joining of these two people in the bonds of holy matrimony. . ."

The priest in his flowing cream robes looked absolutely shabby compared to her. She was so radiant that the entire place seemed to light up just from her presence. Her blond hair pulled back into a bun, and her face partially hidden by a veil, it was nonetheless clear that she was smiling, and happy. He thought back to that day so long ago. He could almost see here like some vision of Eve, in naked wonder.

He couldn’t help but smile. He had never really pictured her here, but it was clear that in this moment she had never been happier. On both sides people watched. Some were stoic in their silence, many women dabbed their handkerchiefs with tears, and many of the older men sat there with a knowing smile. It was in short the moment he had always imagined.

"You have to come back to me"

He closes his eyes

He opens his eyes.

In front of him is a scene from hell. There is fire everywhere. One of the oil tankers had been destroyed. Everywhere cars burned. Women and children went running in complete panic. The crowds surging and people are thrown without regard into the open sewage trenches.

Little figures come running out of the shop. Figures that could only be children. Their bodies consumed in flames. They don’t get far. They fall and roast on the spot. Dead. People with their clothes on fire don’t even seem to notice such is their panic, and need to flee.

A woman her shroud almost engulfed on the backside runs into a crowd. And sets a man on fire. The screams over take him, and for a second he is not sure what to do. Can he even try to help these people. He turns to his team leader, who sadly shakes his head.

"secure that corner" he points to a corner and then points towards the chaos. It’s clear what he means. Keep anyone from getting too close. Even if they need help. A hard lesson learned, and now these people are going to pay the price. They can’t be helped. To help them will put these soldiers at risk of being slaughtered themselves. It’s not right his heart screams. But his mind knows that he has to protect himself first.

He goes to the corner and kneels. Transfixed by what he sees. The panic lessens. The people that can flee have. Now all that is left is the moans and screams of the dead and dying. Fire is still everywhere. An old hajji in a man dress starts running towards him, jabbering in Arabic

"KIFF!" he screams. He raises his weapon. "KIFF!" the hajji still comes running, his beard singed. He raises his fist and screams, and starts to speed up. Without a second though he takes aim. He aims high intentionally and fires two rounds, but the old hajji keeps coming

Please don’t. he lowers his aim. Center mass.

"you have to come back to me."

He pulls the trigger, and closes his eyes.

He opens his eyes.

"If any person can show good cause why these two should not be married, let him speak now or forever hold his peace." the priests says.

He is snapped back to the now. The man across from her is not him. And he stares at her from one of the last pews. From his seat on the isle he had followed her with his eyes, but he wasn’t sure she had seen him. For a long moment the church was quiet. The priest took in a deep breath ready to speak again.

He stood up. His medals tinkling. His uniform immaculate. For a moment no one but those around noticed that he had stood up. But when the priest stopped what he was about to say and looked him in they eye waiting for him to speak, the audience started to take note. The silence was broken by the sound of rustling and even murmurs. One by one all eyes in the church turned to him. Even the groom. And when the groom’s jaw flexed it was clear that he had an audience. But he waited. Finally she turned.

For one long moment their eyes met and they were not in a church but in a little hole in the wall hotel room, naked and in love. He saw her draw in a breath and wait. He drew breath to speak. But words would not come. He hung his head, and his shoulders hunched in defeat. He stepped out into the isle and walked away from the scene. He walked all the way to the exit not daring to turn back.

He heard his name echo throughout the hall, and he stopped. His spine went ramrod strait, and he waited. He turned his head just the barest fraction and waited for more. But when nothing came, he faced the doors in front of him and walked out into the sunlight.

He closed his eyes

"You have to come back to me."

"I did." he whispers to no one in particular.

12:57 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

October 27, 2007 - Saturday

Where do I go from here?
Current mood: blank

I'm stuck in Riley, my girlfriend apparently is caught between myself and another man and my guys are still at war.  It's an abso-fucking-lutly WONDERFUL time to be me.  Truth be told, even though my mom was here, and i was delivered good news (my house didn't burn down in the San Diego wildfires) I STILL feel like shit.  It was good to have mom here to take my mind off of things and yesterday it was good to go to Anja's place and carve pumpkins for her kids.  and it was DAMM GOOD to see Paul and Kim at their BBQ, but when those moments are over I am faced with what is left.


So i Ask "where do i go from here?"  the path is unclear, and the thought of going back to war is sadly actually a comfort.  I honestly don't know if i can continue going foward in the Army.

 

While watching "home of the Brave"  Brad Presley's charictor held one of his buddies that had been shot in the back.  It was clear that he was dead.  It hit FAR too close to home.  Reminding me of how Fig held ont to Craig.  I can't watch that movie anymore.  The pain of two of the main charictors is all too known to me.  And now i face a dscision.  Do i continue what i know (the army) and face the hurt and pain, knowing i not only might, but most likely WILL be deployed again, or do I TRY to lead a "normal" life?  Will I end up one of those guys that simply can't stand bars and hangs out at the VFW until there is little more of me but a wheelchair and an oxigen tank?

 

Something i read as a kid keeps comming back to me.  A story by hemmingway called "a clean well lit place"  It is clear that the man in the story is a WWI vetran, and the young shopkeep is annoyed by this man that always sits in this cantina, until closing time.  In his mind he thinks this old soldier should go to a bodega to drink, a dim raunchy place where one can get wasted quickly.  The soldier is ushered out, and feels lost, because he knows he'll stare at the ceiling until morning comes.  Unable to find companionship or anywhere but a "clean well lit place" to find peace.  It struck a cord with me then, and now i wonder if i should have seen myself in it.  In a way I became that soldier.

1:47 PM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

October 16, 2007 - Tuesday

back in Riley
Current mood: sick

I got sick, and they sent me back.  I started the journey with little more than a uniform covered in oil.  now i have (through the kindess of strangers) two bags semi full of clothes.  it's strange, but here i sit completly uprooted, and even though it sucks i know i'll be taken care of.  It's the first time in my life that even though i had no clue what would happen next, i knew someone would always have their eye on me. 

But sick is still sick.  the Doc's can't tell me why i'm sick, only that i'm not going back to baghdad any time soon.  so i guess no midtour for me.  *sigh* oh well

7:45 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

April 25, 2007 - Wednesday

The Best, The worst, and the Martha Stweart Platoon.
Current mood: drained
Category: Blogging

  It is said 2nd Platoon is the best.  But if that is true, we also seem to be the worst.  judging from the constant tirades about, well everything.  despite this my platoon remains cocky.  It does however often question the Martha Stewart nature of nearly CONSTANT cleaning of a COP that is in a dust bowl.  Needless to say, as always is the case we are the only ones that actually play molly maid.  it does grow to be tiresome when EVERY time you sit down someone pokes their head in and says "get up, get your shit on we've got a detail".  makes you forget that you are always kicking ass.  Man i am tired of this shit. 

  Of course the homefront is just as important.  tommorow is my dad's birthday.  Hoah for him.  despite his parent's failing health, a shitty job, a son that is almost inseprably addicted to his xbox and another hell bent on adventures in a hell hole, i really respect him for not having a heart attack yet.  of course with his weight, yet is the key word.  here's to hoping. 

6:34 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

November 20, 2006 - Monday

Don't Quit
Current mood: pensive

This is called Don't quit,  I'm not too reluctant to put it out there since it's already been ripped once.

 

Don't Quit
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road your trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low, and debts are high
and you want to smile, but have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must but don't quit.
 
Life is queer with it's twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a Failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.
 
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
it may be near when it seems far;
So stick to the fight when your hardest hit,
It's when things seem worse,
that you must not quit.
 
 

Ironically enough i wrote this in my freshman year of high school, and it was my platoon's motto in baisic "Nightstalkers don't quit!"

7:02 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

November 19, 2006 - Sunday

Angels an Ministers of grace defend us. . .
Current mood: anxious

    Somehow i think this PCS is going to be just as fucked up as the last one.  If I remember correctly, I was teaching a class on convoy operations (actually easy, i mean all those convoy briefs sunk in hugh?)  at the exact time my household goods were supposed to be picked up. 

    Now they want me to try to clear in the middle of the holiday season.  I have no idea how i'm going to go to arizona, and see lisa off to BCT and still make it up to Kansas.  Serious driving.  God i hope that re-up bonus comes in like rickey tick. 

 

     I can't even begin to explain my trepidation.  I suppose this happens with all PCS moves but seeing as i'm averaging one every two years, it means that i'm not going to have too much perment in my life.  I think in the old army this was expected, just not with this rapidity.  I doubt i'll ever get married at this rate, and looking back i have no clue how i got in this situation. 

 

    Ultimatly the truth is that it is easier to serve others than to sreve yourself.  To live for myself, would mean i'd have to worry about all the things civillians worry about.  College means settling down.  It is far easier to keep plodding along as a soldier than it is to truly excell like my parrents keep pushing.  It's lonely at the top, and my dad knows that i shouldn't be at the bottom.  I know it too. 

 

  With all this it is no wonder that the future seems so dangerous.  Far easier to go to war, to be a soldier, to be a medic, than to face the future.  How do i fight destiny?  Should i try?  Call it meglomania, call it what you will but i feel the call to greatness.  How do i answer that?  To be or not to be.  To be ecxeptional, always wishing to be normal, and oblivious.   the future comes closer, and my heart beats with greater and greater force, the beat of the war drums.  The Moment is fast approaching, and destinay waits for no man. 

5:38 AM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

November 4, 2006 - Saturday

what a birthday
Current mood: drunk

What a birthday (the 3rd by the way).  It started off with ACCMS VT, I really dressed the part.  I practically passed on reputation alone.  It was funnny how Everyone was bumbling, and i just sat there with a smile on my face.  The Trauma lane was the best. 

  the scenario was a senator was visiting soldiers in Iraq and got hit by an IED (i wish it were Senator Kerry) SFC Le'shuer told me from the very get go that i was not to say a word.  Of course i offered help as i secured the neck of the PT but they were taking too long.  She said the van was on fire, and i simply grabbed the guy inder the arm pit and dragged him out.  It was really funny because everyone pretty much had to get out of my way, and then i tripped over the backboard, and i practically dropped poor St. Cyr.  I preactically got a go just for that. 

  It was a pretty good day.  I just kind of schmoozed.  I talked to Jen and Jodi, and they took me to friday's.  Jodi insisted that i get embarrased by the staff, and boy was she not disapointed.  I got a bowl full of whip cream in the face while they sang happy birthday.  it was great.  my only regert was that i didn't get too many pictures. 

  Of course after that the drinking began.  Anyone that was with me when we got back knows where this is headed.  I drank too much ever clear, and got Sloshed.  I had what i like to call regression.  I relived the worst events of my deployment.  i called out for my losses, and i asked again and again to be forgiven.  For surviving.  for living.  Two men with families, and i could do nothing to save them, and I with nothing, and not a scratch the whole time i was there.  It's a terrible thing when you ask why do good things happen to you.  My greatest guilt and shame.  I hate this weakness in me.

1:07 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

October 18, 2006 - Wednesday

WTFO?
Current mood: sick

To Say that Today was good, well not really.  I'm still kind of sick from my blood giving yesterday.  I feel so out of it I had to ask Susan to give me an IV.  I wanted to drink last night but you know you can't do that after giving blood. 

I really want to get out of this shithole hospital.  I told them today that i wanted a combat assignment.  Sgt Dodd said wait till friday.  Wait more.  I'm sick of waiting.  Fucking POGs. 

1:43 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

October 8, 2006 - Sunday

PT test
Current mood: annoyed

i am way overweight, and i have no hope of passing the pt test.  My solution.  not going to take it.  My act of rebellion that could be easily perscribed to short timer syndrome. 

  But they can't MAKE me take a PT test.  I will ETS in Jan or i will deploy it is that simple but i will not do another thing for this hospital

9:25 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment


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