"TRUKEY SANDWICHES!"
Category: Blogging

If you're bored, read about them, the creature underneath our shed, and a place you can be employed but not actually have to do any work here:

http://maisyf.blogspot.com

(Yes, that's a misspelling in the subject line, but it's intentional.)

1:47 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Why Mandy is the love of my life,
Current mood: chipper
Category: Blogging

tales of squirrel carcasses, and why pirates make me feel sad right now. Read about them (and other random stuff) here:

http://maisyf.blogspot.com

6:44 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Visit my blog
Category: Writing and Poetry

I've been blogging, but not here.

If you're interested in checking it out, please do! And visit often. I dare you.

http://maisyf.blogspot.com

xoxo

M

5:21 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Tagging -- not the graffiti kind
Category: Life

Danielle tagged me.

Once you have been tagged you have to write a blog with 10 weird random things, facts, or habits about yourself. At the end, you choose 10 people to be tagged, list their names, and why you chose them to be tagged. Dont forget to leave a comment that says "You are tagged" on their profile and to read your latest blog. Have fun!!!

1. I am grossed out by mayonnaise and mushrooms, which is no secret. But if forced to eat one of the two, I'd have to go with a portabello mushroom. Or a magic mushroom.

2. I have vitaligo, which is the same skin condition that Michael Jackson claims to have. But those of us who really have vitaligo know it usually materializes in odd shaped patches around the joints, often over a great number of years -- not over your entire body during the course of two weeks. Mine is on the back side of one of my knees and the inside of my thigh.

3. This confession is tough to put in writing, because it pains me to admit. But here goes: I recently bought a pair of Crocs, those hideous rubbery shoes that old ladies wear to garden. My husband got some for free at a story he was covering, and was wearing them around the house. So when I tried his on, I was like, "OMG, these ARE the most comfortable shoes ever made." I haven't worn them outside of my house -- as a shoe fanatic, I do have standards. But I wear them around the house all the time, and to take the dog outside.

4. When I say I'm an only child, I mean it. I don't have any siblings or cousins or anything. Smallest. Family. Ever.

5. Puma is my favorite brand of tennis shoes.

6. I drive a Subaru Forester, which I recently found out is the top car for lesbian drivers. Who knew that such a list even existed?

7. While I love having a house full of food, I abhor grocery shopping. It takes forever and requires me to think about cooking, which I'm not very good at.

8. My college mascot was a bearcat. If anyone knows what the hell a bearcat actually is, let me know. Also, I lived in Freeport, Illinois, for a while and their high school mascot was a pretzel. No joke. Let me tell you, there's nothing more intimidating on a football field than a giant, salted snack food running around with the cheerleaders. Scary!

9. I love to take baths, but I never do.

10. I really, really enjoy folding laundry, especially when it's all warm from the dryer.

4:56 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Flashback to the 80s
Current mood: nerdy
Category: Music

So the other day, my hubby was in the computer room putting some songs on his MP3 player. Naturally, he was also listening to music while doing so.

I heard him singing along to "I Can't Go for That (No Can Do)" by Hall & Oates as though it was the finest song he'd ever heard in his life. I can't remember how we began talking about it, but he said something that indicated it was Hall & Oates' best tune.

Horrified, I was like, "OMG, there is no way that is Hall & Oates best song! 'Rich Girl' is by far their best song." Remember that? It starts out all acapella: "You're a rich girl, and it's gone too far, 'cause you know it don't matter anyway. You can rely on the old man's money, you can rely on the old man's money. It's a bitch girl, and it's gone too far but you don't matter anyway."

Anyway, this conversation spiraled into me looking up their greatest hits albums -- they have several --  on Amazon, and us downloading damn near every song that Mr. Feathered Hairdo and Mr. Porno Moustache had ever recorded.

For three days, I've been jamming out to Hall & Oates in my car. Those motherfuckers were corny to look at, but man, they had a lot of hits! If you can't reach back in your brain that far, let me refresh you.

You Make My Dreams Come True: Awesome. Almost as good as Rich Girl.

Sara Smile: "It's you ... and me -- together-aaaaahhhhh." Awesome.

Private Eyes: Clap, clap. They're watching you. And they're fucking awesome.

One on One: Marginal. But still better than most anything you'll hear on the radio today.

Family Man: Back in the day, I used to think this song, which is about a hooker trying to pick up a guy, was stupid. But now that I'm married? Awesome.

Kiss on My List: I used to have a list like this. Now it's a list of one. Which isn't really a list. But I digress. The song: Pretty good.

Method of Modern Love: This song is just okay, but it gets extra points for spelling out method letter by letter. First, I like a guy who can spell. Second, Method Man also spells out this word in his self-titled song. And I love Method Man, so by proxy, this also becomes a better tune.

Did it in a Minute: Sorry, but this song actually sucks and I can't believe it's considered a greatest hit. I wish it were really over in a minute.

Maneater: "Watch out boy, she'll chew you up." Hells yeah!

Adult Education: Oh, Hall. Oh, Oates. You dirty boys. Awesome.

I Can't Go For That (No Can Do): Actually, me no can do the chorus to this song because it's annoying. But I like the verses.

She's Gone: I forgot how much I loved this song until I heard it again. You guessed it: Awesome.

I've been listening to this so much lately that I even heard it in my dream. (A man was hosing off the sidewalk outside his little shop was singing Rich Girl.) It's only a matter of time before I burn out on these two and put them away in the CD case for another 20 year slumber. But for now, I'm obsessed.

Currently listening : The Very Best of Daryl Hall & John Oates By Hall & Oates Release date: 23 January, 2001

6:34 PM - 5 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Can I ask you a question?
Current mood: sleepy
Category: Food and Restaurants

It was 8:30 a.m. on a Monday morning, and I was in the drive through at Starbucks.

Sleep-deprived and unfocused, I pull up to the window for my coffee and lowfat blueberry coffee cake. Then the barista said, "Would you like to answer our question of the day?"

Eh, why not. I was hoping it would be a trivia question and that if I answered correctly I'd get some money off my order. Whatever it was, I expected it to be easy -- What's your favorite cereal or something -- so as not to hold up the line at the drive through.

He said, "What is something you have learned from another person that you'd like to share with others?"

Are you f-ing kidding me? I've had, like, 5 hours of sleep and no caffiene and  he wants me to get philosophical?

However, I did flash upon several important things I'd gleaned from friends and loved ones:

* Shoes can make or break your outfit.

* Birth control pills only work if you take them every day.

* I recently learned that my new car, a Subaru Forester, is the top-ranked vehicle for lesbian drivers.

* If you sprinkle meat tenderizer on a dog's food, it's supposed to stop the dog from eating its own poop.

Instead of imparting any of this information on the barista, though, I looked at him and said, "Dude, I haven't even had any coffee yet. I don't think I can answer that question right now."

He stared at me for a second and then said, "Fair enough."

If they want to do a question of the day, fine. But they need to seriously re-evaluate the kinds of things they ask sleepy folks in the morning. I mean, the guy was poised with a dry erase marker waiting to write my response on a white board. That's a lot of freakin' pressure.

Besides, do I go to Starbucks to share my feelings? No. I go there to get my caffiene on, so that I can have those deep thoughts later in the day. Like, sometime after 10:30 a.m.

However, now that I've had time to ponder his queary, I do have an appropriate answer:

I've learned to go to a different Starbucks so I don't have to do any soul-searching before I've had my raspberry mocha.

5:00 PM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Purged!
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping

Per my previous post, I've just finished going through all my clothes.

Here's a tally of what I'm getting rid of:

Tops: 29

Blouses: 6

Dresses: 6

Pants: 4

Skirts: 7

Sweaters (lightweight): 7

Sweaters (winter): 5

Tank tops (dressy): 7

Spring suit: 1

Hats: 3

I am totally proud of myself! Some things will be hard to part with and will require some grieving. But if they didn't make me feel happy when I put them on for whatever reason, they're gone. Hooray! It's awesome because I'm staring at my closet right now, and I adore every. single thing I see.

If there are any size 12-14 girlfriends in Louisville that would like to go through the spoils, please let me know. A lot of the stuff is like new, and I'm ashamed to admit a few things have never even been worn. Lots of cute stuff, just not for me anymore.

Otherwise, it's going to Goodwill.

I should probably do this with my shoes, too. I've got at least 125 pairs -- probably way more, but let's just keep that between us -- which I've had to spread throughout three closets and my upstairs room. But that's going to be much, much harder. My shoes are dear to my heart.

Might save that chore for tomorrow.

7:03 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Off it goes
Current mood: Inspired
Category: Inspired Fashion, Style, Shopping

Without a doubt, "Project Runway" is my favorite reality show on TV. Tim Gunn, who serves as a fashion mentor for the designers, is a huge reason why.

He's smart, he's funny and in my opinion, almost always correct in his assessments. So it was with great joy that I started reading his new book "A Guide to Quality, Taste and Style." (Which, by the way, I got free from work because it arrived in a press release.)

Anyhoo, I just got done reading a really inspiring chapter and wanted to share the highlights. It was about cleaning and organizing your closet. Now, I've read a million articles about this very topic and they're never helpful. By the time I get to my over-stuffed closet, I'm totally confused and apprehensive about parting with things -- even if I haven't worn them in a long time. That "if you haven't worn it in six months" rule is bullshit, because there are tons of things that only make the occasional appearance, but I still love them.

But Gunn's logic spoke to me in a way that 1,000 women's magazines could not.

"The goal is to maximize the correspondence between what you feel conveys the proper image and the items you actually own,"Gunn writes. "This task can only be accomplished when your closet is rid of those items that do not truly make you feel happy and confident while wearing them."

Well, when you put it that way ... no shit! He suggests dividing the items in your closet into four piles. The first is the Soul-Stirring Pile, reserved for items that "cause heart palpitations of happiness." Every item doesn't have to be utterly fantastic -- this also the place for your favorite flattering tank top.

If a beloved garment needs to be mended or fixed, throw it in the Repair Pile. Give yourself give days to fix it or get it to a tailor. If you don't meet the deadline, then "perhaps the item isn't important enough to fix."

After that, it's time to assess what's left in the closet and add them to the Give-Away or Throw-Out Piles. And he addresses all the excuses I've ever used for not getting rid of things that are simply taking up space.

On items that don't fit: "Perhaps you like to torture yourself by trying on a pair of jeans from two years ago to see if you can button them. Clothes do not exist to humiliate their owners. Please do not force garments to perform psychological tasks for which they were not designed."

On things you spent so much money on, you feel guilty about getting rid of them: "Cheap is Chic. Cheap is Chic. ... Since you never wear it, it should be in good enough condition to put in the Give-Away Pile. The goal is to remove any closet-based sources of unhappiness."

On items that -- for whatever reasons -- you never wear: "Perhaps you try on these items and hang them back up. Perhaps you skip right over them like something that's been in the freezer so long you no longer want to eat it.You've just said no too many times. Off it goes."

On hanging on to things that might come back into style: "One only has so much space and one never knows if they'll find a trend equally compelling on the second (or third or fourth) go around. Better to move on."

So tomorrow, I'm going to truly cleanse my closet with a new perspective. If I don't feel totally hot or professional or cute in it, I'm getting rid of it. And this phrase was the nail in the coffin of my decision: "It is surprising how liberating divesting oneself of old outfits can be," he writes. "You are allowing your closet to represent who you are now. You've just gotten better and better, why not let your closet come along?"

When I get to work Monday morning, I'm going to kiss my Tim Gunn bobblehead on the head and thank him for simplyfying my life -- and for making more room for future fabulous clothes that are probably waiting for me at Macy's right now.

Too bad I'm broke. Maybe I should Ebay some of my rejects...

Currently reading : Tim Gunn: A Guide to Quality, Taste and Style By Tim Gunn Release date: 01 May, 2007

5:58 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Ouch.
Current mood: Crispy
Category: Crispy Fashion, Style, Shopping

As most of you know, the Kentucky Derby is right around the corner. Which means I'll be attending all manner of parties and events for work. Which means I will likely have to dress up on several different occasions.

I've already got a dress -- a couple of them, actually. But since my nicest one is white, I felt like a slight glow was probably in order. Using sunless tanner takes too much time, so I went to the tanning bed.

I've used one on a few other occasions (before sunny vacations and such) and usually don't have a problem. I already had a decent base tan before yesterday, and the half Spanish side of me gets fairly brown, thank you. But the tanning place was packed -- probably with other people also trying to take the edge off their pasty white legs for Derby. So the workers forgot to tell me they'd just changed the bulbs in the bed.

As a result, I am a freakin' lobster right now. A Kentucky Fried Chick. I even have a bright red neck. I never thought I'd call myself a redneck, but it's totally accurate. And it hurts like holy hell. I can hold my hand six inches from my skin and feel the heat eminating off of it.

It hurts so bad that I can list at least 10 tortures I'd rather endure than this sunburn.

1. Listen to my mother lecture me for 10 hours straight if she even knew I went to a tanning bed in the first place. (Yes, everyone, I'm aware it's terrible for your skin, so save it.)

2. Re-watch "Titanic," one of the most drawn out sapfests I've ever forced myself to sit through, that also includes songs by the horrifying Celine Dion.

3. Listen to that stupid freakin' song by Mims five times in a row. (I'd rather have this burn than listen to it any more than that.)

4. Stay away from the Shalimar Indian buffet for three months.

5. Eat a mushroom with a dab of mayonnaise on top.

6. Go to the dentist.

7. Wear ugly shoes for a whole day.

8. Read a book filled with bad grammar and misspellings.

9. Do a sink full of dishes.

10. Spend an hour in a small room with a cave cricket.

I know it's my own fault I'm burned. But damn. I could bathe in aloe and I think it would still sting. Here's hoping it's brown tomorrow. Or at least a lighter shade of pink.

6:29 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Just go already, will ya?
Current mood: cold
Category: Life

I've often wondered what my pets think about. But it's been on my mind a lot today, because after a stretch of nearly 80-degree weather here, it's, like 40 degrees outside.

Shivering, I took the dog outside to go to the bathroom. She meandered around the yard. Chased a bumblebee. Barked at some joggers. Ran after a few squirrels. But mostly, she considered the same areas of the yard about 20 times each before settling on a good place to pee. It made me wonder: What makes for a good spot, anyway? The grass is pretty much the same all over the yard.

Let's see...

Here?

Or here?

I mean, at least people's choices are a little bit easier to figure out. For instance, can you guess which pair of shoes I would rather have in my closet?

Can you decide which pair of jeans are more flattering?

I don't know. I have a hard time believing that grass patches in the same yard can be so different -- that there's a method to choosing a perfect spot. But for all I know, Lucy might notice the difference in grass but still think my shoes look just like her toys. Which would explain why she ate my brown suede boots when I forgot to put them back in my closet before leaving her alone in the house.

Actually, I don't really give a shit what's going on in her head out there. I just want her to hurry the hell up so we can be warm. She can take all the time she wants when it's 80 again.

6:31 PM - 4 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment