À Paris

A lot can happen in a week. (Actually happened a week and a bit ago but haven't been near any of Paris' 'Free Wifi'.)

A country can start and end a war. An irritating itch can become an infection. A fling can become an affair and so on.

The same is true for the changing of a career. I am currently sitting on a trans-channel train writing on my laptop safe in the knowledge that I have a fantastic job to come back to. (Yes, I am one of those wankers on a Mac in public)

I will soon be able to hand out eggshell white business cards with my name and the words 'International Consultant' underneath. Working for the very firm that I was employed as a temporary teacher. Or a walking free period in the eyes of most of the students of inner London. Without wanting to jinx myself, I think that I have taught my last class as a substitute teacher. Not that I didn't like it, but like having tourettes, you learn to live with it. Especially the swearing. Fuck dammit rocket whistle.

So it is with some hesistant sense of freedom I leave the United Kingdom. At least for the next 5 weeks anyway. Baguette's, brioche and afternoon delight will gladly replace summer hail, the chavs of Essex and the occasional cup of the lovely Earl Grey dutifully supplied by the hardworking staff of the school dining hall.

It is a strange feeling, but in a small way I feel like I am leaving my home. This is a feeling I have had only once before outside of Australia and it happened in Korea roughly 5 years ago. What is strange about the situation now is that, I don't particularily like London. However, much like a dysfunctional relationship, I can still see the reasons to be together and keep the relationship going.

They say hindsight is a wonderful thing and I suppose in this case I am glad to say that leaving London has caused me to miss it already. There is something about the grime. Something about the rude people that walk its streets. And there is even something about seeing the reluctant sun show its face from behind the clouds. Perhaps, though, this is just a strange sense of retrospective optimism. A certain selective memory. Perhaps this is a thought often had by people leaving London. Perhaps these people are the same optimists that go out and buy BBQ's for their back porch.

All I know is that it is an exciting time in my life. I get to see the lovely Antonia, be in a beautiful city and have a job that lets me go home occasionally. On their bill of course. Some things change, but I still have no money.

À la prochaine.

Currently listening : New Magnetic Wonder By The Apples in Stereo Release date: 06 February, 2007

15:24 - 5 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Manbear on the air
Category: Music

Hello all,

As I have a new computer and am constantly looking for ways to alleviate boredom, i have tried my hand at making a podcast.

Now, i certainly don't think it is of any real value, but if you want to listen to some music and actually hear what i sound like, i suggest you go and check it out.

Please ignore the shabbiness of the page. I really have no idea what I am doing.

If anyone knows their way around iTunes, please, I would love some advice

http://web.mac.com/geofforton/iWeb/acrossthepond/Blog/41F7A94D-A4B1-4E3C-8772-1093BE29E55A.html

14:47 - 9 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Caught by the Fuzz
Category: Travel and Places

It all began with a promise to watch a film and a casual mention of a Soho pub that I could wait in until my friend arrived.

After a lengthy discussion regarding women, the world and terrorist doctors we decided to hit the streets, in order to grab a lamb sandwich with tabouli.

Needless to say one of us got arrested.

It was something right out of a bad 80's film or the wonderful 16 colour epic game 'Police Quest'.

There were four motorcycles, all lined up in a row outside of an eatery. So shiny that they even glowed in the lights of the convenience store. I don't blame Eric for jumping on the largest bike and pretending to rev the engine. It really was tempting. It is strange how things can go from enjoyable to not very nice in 3 short seconds.

Mr Plod was there, with his bobby hat on and an issue with people destroying expensive motorcycles, just waiting for a drunk American to do something silly. It happened and I spent the night trying find out exactly which cell in the City of Westminster my friend was being held in. Like, most bureaucratic things in this country, we walked around confused, retracing steps and being told different things.

Actually, if I think back to the week that I have had it hasn't all been beer and skittles. For those of you that are bicycle curious, you would know that the Tour de France departed from Greenwich this year. Apparently something to do with cleaning up the image of the sport. I guess that is why they didn't start in Amsterdam this year.

Anyway, as a precursor to the excitement that is the Tour, I decided to wack on the small shorts and get myself around on two wheels in the week leading up to the 'Grand Depart'. With Lady Luck freebasing with Satan this week and the help of my clumsy and pasty legs, in the space of 24 hours, I broke two bikes. A puncture and snapped chain.

So, after this it was public transport and the power of the pied for me last weekend. However, in addition to my terrible luck with bicycles I got sunburnt walking around the city and whilst relaxing in Hyde Park. I looked like a reverse panda minus the inability to procreate. I don't know how I got burnt in 'sunny' England because in a strange twist, the following day, as I ran to the gym (because of the bikes), I got hailed on. Hail, in July. I am not sure what all of this means, but I am sure there is some conspiracy involved.

What a week!

Currently listening : Sound of Silver By LCD Soundsystem Release date: 20 March, 2007

01:38 - 9 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

Antonia's Crystal Balls
Category: Travel and Places

I suppose that the title is a little misleading as Antonia does not have any balls. But she did predict, albeit a little later than expected, that I would write a blog. However, if Antonia did have balls, I am sure they would be crystal or made out of some other precious stone.

The reason this post is possible is because I am now the proud owner of a pretty white 'think-box' from the good people of Macintosh. I am also a thief of my neighbours wireless. Arr!!

On a side note, I am pretty sure the word the good people of Iceland word for computer is indeed think-box as they tire of using English words in common parlance. I wonder if the Icelandic world for puffin is puffin? I hope it is because it is a great word.

Anyway, I am sitting here in my glare-baked bedroom, Earl Grey tea at the ready and a French radio station playing in the background thinking about the funny way that certain things work out.

For those of you in the dark about this blog and all of the goings on of the last 12 months, it basically goes a little like this. I started the blog in a desperate effort to reach out to people whilst in the cultural wasteland that is Parkes. It became a way of communicating whilst in Germany to witness the Italian soap opera that was the World Cup. But then ultimately and unintentionally, this little space was the way that I met the lovely Antonia. To say that my priorities have changed since that day in September would be an understatement. Hence, the Earl Grey and French radio broadcasts.

In addition to this, I now have more neckties than shoes these days. I don't know what this means, but I have also taken to making meals large enough to feed a small platoon or a family of Catholics just so I don't have to spend time on frivolous things like cooking and eating. And for all moaning I do about the weather and the English, I am glad to be here in ol' Blighty.

I apologise for the short entry but I actually wrote this a while ago and didn't come back to it. I am actually now sitting in a classroom whilst my class is working. The little buggers didn't bring in their assignments so the Head Teacher gave them a textbook. Ah, it is funny how often our expectations are very different from the reality. Same goes for teaching I suppose.

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Currently listening : The Gulag Orkestar By Beirut Release date: 09 May, 2006

13:29 - 10 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

London calling.
Category: Travel and Places

Well, it would be an understatement to suggest that I have neglected my blog and by extension my friends and family. In a way this really is the only way that some people keep up with what is going on in my life but in the last 6 weeks I have been more than lax and I apologise to the people that care. To those that don't, please keep reading, I am ever so lonely.

However, this doesn't mean that nothing has been going on for me. Indeed quite the opposite is the case. I guess I haven't really had anything to say or the inclination to say it.

I have relocated to London, and like the low-lying clouds of this old town, there is no forseeable end in sight. For those of you trying to keep up, I have moved over here in order to be closer to the lovely Antonia. (Who by the way, strangely enough is in Australia at the moment). I have acquired a job teaching slovenly teens who resemble a kind of orange version of characters from Little Britain. Due, for the most part, to the amount of fake tan going around but also because most questions I ask are answered 'yeah but...no but'. In fact, unofficially, this part of the country has been given the moniker, the O.C. Seriously, some girls of these girls are orange.

At the moment I live with a Welsh furniture maker and he is really nice. However, the first time that I met him I got the distinct feeling that one day he may be responsible for my death. But, a nice guy all the same.

I also live with a South African painter who likes to say 'One love' instead of 'Ok, Bye'. All in all, a nice guy, except he insists on sitting on my bed wearing only a towel. Perhaps, the prospect of having a blonde surfer type on your bed sounds nice for some, but I am, after all, a man of hygiene and order.

I almost scoffed at my own sentence then.

So anyway, that is the score with me at the moment. In a strange way, I feel further away from the lovely Antonia even though we are actually closer. It is a strange phenomenon, but dealing with distance seems to be easier when Greenwich is on the other side of the world.

At the moment I find myself in a strange and unwelcoming city. So strange that, the other day, instead of hearing an Oscar Wilde quote and thinking that is was self-indulgent toff, I found myself nodding and saying 'Right on' whilst walking down the street. Much to the interest, or fright of some of the commuters of East London.

He said something about not knowing whether the people of London created the fog with their sadness or whether it was the other way around. And I think in some ways this is true. Having spent the majority of my life in Australia I have never really been that aware of the weather. It seems strange to say so, but the sun, well, it was always there and now that I am in London, well, I miss it damn it!

Indeed, I miss a lot of things. I miss my family and my friends. I even miss writing this thing. So I don't expect there to be such a long break between this and the next one.

I hope all is well in your corner of the place.

Currently listening : London Calling By The Clash Release date: 25 January, 2000

17:47 - 8 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Oh Abu Dhabi!
Category: Travel and Places

Whilst I have been slaving away drawing Hitler moustaches on campaign posters of various candidates running in the recent French election, I have neglected this little space. Therefore, having mentioned the political climate in France I will now talk about the little Emirate that could. That's right Abu Dhabi is for me and you after all.

Only fifty years ago this small corner of the Arabian peninsular was primarily deriving its livelihood from camel herding, production of dates and pearl diving. With these being the chief contributors to GDP it may or may not been Gomorrah. Today though, the inhabitants of Abu Dhabi are doing quite well. Thanks in part mostly to the severely underpaid Filipino and Pakistani workers basically dying to build things that look like other things.

In case you ever wanted to spend a night with a sleazy windsurfer from St Tropez you have a 7-star option in neighbouring Emirate, Dubai.

Or might like to live in a palm tree whilst in the UAE.

Or in another part of the world. (Except Israel and North Korea. They don't exist in Dubai.)

Or you could just skip the symbolism and spend the night in a phallus.

With all the ridiculous opulence of a Kim Jong-il's master bedroom at one's disposal it might be hard to get an idea of what the UAE is like until you actually see it. In truth, it is tacky, haphazard and strangely stale. From the hotels with overweight 'Resident Dj's' from the UK to the Russian girls who must apply make-up with a shotgun it really has no real character to it. Other than seediness and a strong underlying feeling of expatriate exploitation.

Having said all of this, I did enjoy myself. I thought it was interesting. Kind of like watching someone eat a kilo of Skittles before roller-skating. I think that best sums up what is going on there.

-

Oh, for those of you who are interested. I made it into the UK. I didn't get put in immigration detention and I shall be going to an interview very shortly. Also, Paris was fantastic, but more on that later. Hope you are all well.

There are some photos here if you are interested. There is even Beef Bacon.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/malingeringmanbear/sets/72157600093823291/

Currently listening : Favourite Worst Nightmare By Arctic Monkeys Release date: 24 April, 2007

07:07 - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Staggered Start
Category: Travel and Places

I made the effort to take photo's and observe my surroundings yesterday as I did say that I would document my impending departure with stories of dreams fulfilled and the like but, alas, it didn't all go to plan.

I decided that if I was going to knock some of the things of my list I would have to take the day off work and hit the ground running in the early morning. But where to start with such lofty ambitions? I had to make a plan.

First, I was going to read my emails and correspond with various people around the globe and fill them in on my grand plans and blueprints for world domination. But truth be known, all I did was send soppy and slightly lurid messages to the lovely Antonia.

Who by the way has a smashing blog and I am already jealous of the attention it has received. Damn you talent!

Speaking of blogs. My last blog was written exactly 1 year after I started it. It was also exactly six months since the lovely Antonia and I started seeing each other. It was also the same day that the lovely Antonia started her own blog. Some people may describe this as random, others may called it serendipitous. I just think it is creepy. Or sweet. It is always a blurry line between the too.

Anyway, my day played out much the same as this blog. Disjointed and messy.

I had made my mind up that I wanted to go to the beach and also to ride the motorbike my mate Tanya bought from the good folk at Australia Post. Complete with accompanying saddlebags. With my mind made up and time and money on my side I planned to be there early afternoon so that I could have a swim and then have a beer or two in the pub with Tanya when she knocked off work at 3. Excellent.

With procrastination being my greatest skill and the emails being of a particularly interesting nature I didn't end up leaving the house until about 3:30. With the roughly 2 hour drive ahead of me this was perfect time to miss the sun and share the F3 with every weekender and commuter on the Central Coast but I wasn't daunted.

I had my bag packed. I had clothes for the beach, clothes for the next day and clothes for colder weather. I even packed some leather shoes, just in case we ran into some Central Coast attitude from some bouncer with a penchant for high impact amphetamines.

I had everything packed. Except of course for my credit card. This turned out to be a problem when I was standing there with a packet of 'Honey Baked Ham' Kettle Chips in my eager hand and the awkward amount of $24.57 freshly pumped into my 1980 BMW 323i. (Which I am selling if anyone is interested by the way.)

The lovely man at the till informed me that I had to return home and get my card and pay within 24 hours as he needed to check the card for 'security purposes'. With all my pleading leading me nowhere, I made the trek home and back only to see the bloke in front of me in the same position being allowed to call his mate and get his credit card detail over the phone.

But I pushed on. I was excited about the prospect of sausages, sand and a few cold Coopers waiting for me at my mates place. Tanya suggested to just turn my music up loud and 'keep on cruising through it', which I did. So much so, that with the help of Deerhoof and a few of their choice numbers, I managed to keep on cruising right though Gosford oblivious to the traffic slowing down around me. It only really occurred to me when a big white flash went off behind me and a quick glance at the speedo confirmed that I was indeed exceeding the speed limit. Significantly.

With all this mess behind me I managed to drink my few bottles of Coopers, eat the weight of a small child in sausages only to fall asleep on the couch whilst everyone else keep the party going. My nights slumber was only disturbed by hushed whispers of 'not here' and 'but, I have a boyfriend'.

Ah, I love the Central Coast.

Anyway, I am glad I gave this blogging thing a go on and off for the year. It certainly has changed my life. And certainly in no way could I have known to what degree it would and I guess this is why I will continue to do it. So, for the humble few that keep reading my dribble, thank you. I shall do more exciting things tonight. Apparently, a scnhitzel the size of my face is involved

Currently listening : Friend Opportunity By Deerhoof Release date: 23 January, 2007

22:07 - 10 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

15 minutes to Rock!

I suppose it is a strange title to have for a blog but I have never been accused being a normal person. I suppose in some strangely tangential way it is a reference to my University days and my fast friendship with a balding yet curly haired man because of a shared love for The Fauves. And, drawing an even longer bow, the title is a reference to my life spent here in the wide brown land and my impending departure.

For the last 3 weeks or so I have been head down waiting for time to erode like so much of western NSW that I really haven't acknowledged the weight of my recent plans.

I nonchalantly forked over the cash for a one-way ticket to Paris, hastily filled out a visa application and packed all of my books into cardboard boxes. In all the times that I have moved out or gone walkabout this has never happened. Some of the books have been with me since my primary school days. But no matter what the fashion police say, I will never relinquish my copy of 'The Cave of Time' - Choose your Own Adventure Volume 1. Never.

Having said that, all of my things are now either in storage waiting to be forgotten or waiting for the mad rush as I get ready to pack. For those of you that need a bit of a visual aid, it looks a little like a lady looking for Stella  McCartney bargains armed with a credit card and enough extra pocket space to give most anxious partners palpitations.

Stella! (Worth a look if you missed it)

Therefore, in order to avoid the usual rushed haze that normally surrounds one of my excursions away from home I have decided to take it slowly and look around a little bit. I am mostly packed, my finances are in order and I have enough fake aftershave to kill a small animal. I am good to go. All hinging on the temperamental UK Home Office that is, but that is an issue for next week.

So, as I am a true believer in the power of lists I will count down until I leave Australia for the indefinite future. I will chronicle each day with the photo's I take as I roam the city and do things that I have always said I wanted to do and have never done.

Here is a tentative list:
1. Swim in Andrew 'Boy' Charlton pool
2. Eat Pho in Cabramatta
3. Ride my mate Tanya's 'Posty' bike.
4. Drink as many Coopers Longnecks as I can. Sensibly.
5. And eat at least one good pie.

Ok, that is not a bad list but altogether much too short. I am sure there are many things in this fine city that I have never done and have never contemplated doing. I am open to suggestions.

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08:07 - 21 Comments - 13 Kudos - Add Comment

Ini, meeni, myni, moe.
Category: Blogging

Well, it has been roughly a year ago since I was in an empty rural library with libidinous librarians looking on that I decided to join the revolution, join myspace and talk about my feelings. But it has finally happened.

I have taken a while to write this blog and I am sincerely sorry to the patient Anne. She was in fact the first person to subscribe to this sporadic dalliance and I hope she feels vindicated in some way for hanging in there. Anyway, like the point, I have taken to long in getting around to writing this. I have indeed been tagged.

Here is the basic premise. Taken verbatim from Anne's own blog:

Here's how you play: Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird or random things, facts, or habits about yourself. At the end, you choose 10 people to be tagged & list their names. Then leave a comment that says, "You're it" on their profile and ask them to read your blog. You can't tag the person who tagged you. It's the perfect excuse to praise fellow bloggers & it gives people something to do when they're bored. Tweak your entry or comments as you see fit.

Ok, seeing as I used all my interesting stuff coming up with a list of ten things for my own profile I may find this a challenge. Some of them may become a regular feature on my profile. It may be a welcome change from seeing the same bloody thing on my page every time.

Here goes.

1. The basic physics and chemistry involved in making the common omelette is beyond me.
2. Any time I try and do a handstand I do a forward roll. Disastrous when trying to do one against a wall.
3. I am trained to teach English yet don't know what the past participle is.
4. In the same vein, I only ever received an A at school in three things. A writing task, a cooking task and ballroom dance.
5. Rocky Balboa can make me cry.
6. The first song (Cassingle) I ever bought was Love Shack
7. I once wore my He-man battle gear for about a year.
8. India is more likely to man a mission to Jupiter than I am to touch my toes.
9. I like even numbers better than odd ones.
10. I almost hit a person in my provisional license exam and still passed.

I hope you all found this list highly enlightening and fulfilling. If not, I apologise. Deeply.

Anyway, the following people should consider themselves tagged.

Stu, Joel, Boaie, Brinana, Christina, Miss Wham Bam, Bonnie, Tralfaz, Ferdinand del Toro and the lady known as Nannou.

Happy listing.

Currently listening : Paper Television By The Blow Release date: 24 October, 2006

18:13 - 16 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Big in Japan
Category: Travel and Places

Originally I had planned to post a blog whilst in the lovely port of Narita but a few things were up against me. Namely, that I had the equivalent of 500 yen in change and the quality of the blog was, well, lagging.

In fact, I am still lagging. It is 1:34 in the morning and I am wide awake. Usually I do not get jetlag but here I am. Wide awake and barefoot.

It is nice to be back in Australia. Even just for the weather.

So, with crappy airline coffee and those strange triangle sushi things still in my system I bring you this disjointed blog.

Yes, I went back to Japan.

Because I am feeling lazy and do not have much to say I've decided to tell the story of my Japanese adventure Japanese style. With pictures.

These photos were powered by Bon Scott era AC/DC, triangular sushi from 7Eleven, deep vein thrombosis and the freedom that only the nicest squat toilets this side of the Yellow Sea provide. I hope you enjoy them.

In keeping with the mood perhaps I will subtitle each picture with a haiku. (Because I can't get the photos to work I ask you to click the link first before reading the haikus. Thank you, drive though*).

http://www.flickr.com/photos/malingeringmanbear/403461201 (Myspace wont link the bloody photo...)

Oh strange pink robot,

I am glad your ticket skills

Are used for good. Pasmo!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/malingeringmanbear/403461654/

Mister Donut has

degustation confusion.

Yummy donut soup.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/malingeringmanbear/403461502/

Porno or Manga

Is a hard choice but the train

holds many erections.

If you want to see some other photo's feel free to have a look around my flickr site. But for now, I must go back to sleep. My circadian rhythms are calling me.

*stolen from the visionary and lovely Antonia who used this saying circa 1997

Currently listening : Neon Bible By Arcade Fire Release date: 06 March, 2007

22:49 - 12 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment