my mother’s daughter?
Current mood: strong

i am SO not my mother's daughter.  i am certain that i am nothing like the woman she envisioned i'd be.  i'm sure that she had dreams for me once, when i was tiny, perhaps.  before it i showed evidence that i had a will, a voice.  before it became clear that i wasn't breakable.

i did try.  i tried so hard as a little girl to get her attention, gain her favor.  always, though, i fell short, and there was always another who was somehow much more favorable than me.

we had our moments.  i can think of two.  when i was in kindergarten, i used to make cinnamon toast for her in the mornings while she applied her makeup and did her hair.  she liked me for doing that.  sometimes, when i was older, she'd let me come in and sit next to the tub while she bathed.  i remember watching her shave her legs, and i can still hear the soft skritching sound of the razor moving across her skin.  i think she liked me in those moments.

most of the time, though, i was a disappointment. "you walk like a farmer!"  "you're just like your father!"  "have you weighed yourself today?"  i learned to avoid the mirrors in her house.  they always reflected what she saw.

she wouldn't/couldn't enjoy the spirit i came here to be.  the adventurous, exuberant child so ready to love and be loved.  my spirit was something to be broken, molded into something more demure, more ladylike. 

i learned to put myself down, make jokes at my own expense.  then, to her, i was funny.  i learned not to be too "big" after she once accused me of crashing into her aura--i kid you not-- when i walked into the room.  this actually worked to my advantage.  if she didn't notice me, she coudn't criticize.

today, i look at who she is and realize that she's the disappointment.  i'm by no means perfect, but i strive daily to be true to myself and to the values i have developed on my own.  today, when i look in the mirror, i see a woman just big enough to do some good in the world.  someone who has value to share.  and though i do enjoy a good laugh at myself, it's not at my expense.  rather, it's in appreciation that i'm still here, still growing.

9:26 AM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

hoping

I have placed one word next to another so carefully, treading lightly so as not to set you off...hoping to somehow convey my need in a manner that doesn't threaten you, doesn't anger you.

Hoping that you'll somehow be inspired--seemingly on your own-- to grant me this thing I desire.  If I can make you think it was your idea to be generous, perhaps you'll even take pleasure in knowing you've done this for me.

This is delicate work, this trying to get my needs met while acting as if I have none.  Sometimes, I'm even successful at getting something that resembles my heart's desire...a reasonable approximation.  Hey, can't be too choosy--next time it might not go this well!

At times, I'm exhausted by the sheer effort that goes into such an undertaking, too spent from the subtle negotiating to enjoy my small victories. There are times when I'd rather not bother-- no energy for complimenting you or buttering you up.  No cleverness left inside my brain. 

Still, the part of me who isn't willing to die completely insists I give it a shot.  This is a lot of work for a 5-year -old...or a 43-year-old.

8:58 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

...and now
Current mood: rebellious

I used to be
afraid of
his hand in
the middle of the night

startling me awake
with it's insistent manipulation
of my most tender spot--
previously unknown to me...

what a way to discover
that I had a clit.

...and now--
I know he'll never manipulate
any part of me
with his charming
fatherly concern

I've learned that
it doesn't have to hurt
to be touched
in my tender places.

That it's all about
the Choosing--
choosing to be touched
by another, or myself

The experience of pleasure
or pain
is mine.
All mine.

10:53 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

cedar falls
Current mood: reminiscent

we are so in love.  crazy in love, still in the getting-to-know-everything-about-you stage.  i take you to cedar falls, to share with you my favorite place in the world.  only a mile or two from the camp i attended as a child, this place is magic.  this is the place where i am once again the free-spirited adventure girl, and i want you to know this place that is so precious to me.

everything about this spot in nature sings to me of love, beauty and freedom.  the cool shade of the hemlocks (yes, hemlocks, the place was misnamed), the icy rush of the waterfall, the scent that greets me with its earthy musk.  i want to give you the gift of this place.

we were talking on the drive down about whether we would ever have a commitment ceremony.  it's the early 90s, and this is still a novel idea.  i'm not so sure about ceremonies--too much church in my background, too much saying things because they were expected of me.  you, on the other hand, like the idea.

once we get to the falls, the ceremony conversation is forgotten as i introduce you to my place.  my feet hit the path, and i'm my other self--the one who's afraid of nothing.  i can hardly contain myself as i lead you toward the waterfall.  we frolic in the water, then head on into the woods.  i show you the magical trees where i'm sure i could hollow out a home if i needed to.  we hike the trail until we come to my secret path...up, between two faces of rock.  grasping the roots of trees, we make our way up to the top.  up here, we can see everything.

you surprise me--"i want you to make love to me".  never thought you'd be the type to make love on a rock, but in this place you are.  i willingly set to showing you exactly how much i adore you, and i'm overwhelmed by the power of the experience.  it's more than i'd ever imagined.

after, on our way back to the world, i'm happily splashing through the creek--my heart full to exploding.  you scramble up onto some rocks, and you're silhouetted against the sun and the trees, burning a spectacular image in my mind.  "i don't need a ceremony!", you declare, throwing your arms open wide.  "i love you and i'll love you forever!". 

somehow, the tables have turned.  i wanted to give you a precious gift, and it's you who've gifted me-- with a memory i'll cherish much longer than our actual love will last.

6:37 PM - 5 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

virtual girlfriend
Current mood: betrayed

you.  you look so happy with her.  the cute, sweet, sexy messages you leave one another paint a picture of true bliss.  i wonder if you ever even thought of me as real. it seems that you didn’t, that you preferred to keep me as your virtual girlfriend- even though you swore to me that your feelings were real.  the reality of me coming to town was too much, you backed away so quickly--even as you insisted that you loved me, wanted me, couldn’t wait to see me.  i wonder...if i hadn’t asked, would you have just left me stranded alone in a hotel room w/no car? would you have even retrieved me from the airport?

thing is, i’m not jealous.  she is a very sweet woman, and it looks as if the two of you are perfect for one another.  i never wanted to take you from her, just wanted you to publicly acknowledge the feelings you professed for me in our virtual love affair.  i know how to share.  the thing that hurts, so darned much, is that you never had any intention of allowing me to be real to you.  i was a distraction, a plaything, an ego boost.  not someone to be cherished, respected.

in retrospect, it’s all so very clear.  i was a fool, as i often am.  my willingness to believe words of love led me down this painful path.  i just wish i could make it clear to you how much this hurt me.  not the rejection, but the lack of respect. the absence of honesty.  the making me figure it out for myself.  it wasn’t necessary to do things that way.  i really wish you hadn’t.

at the same time, i’m positive that it’s for the best.  it’s clear that you are happy, and that she is, too.  i really don’t want to be a source of pain for anyone, and because of the way you set things up, there would have been pain for her if you and i had gotten together in person.  so....it’s all good in the end.  i mean, as soon as this virtual heartache fades away...

9:35 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

bittersweet
Current mood: contemplative

whew...just got back from a whirlwind adventure in the place of my birth.  it was such an amazing mixture of emotional experiences...from getting dumped 3 days before i was to fly out by the woman who asked me to stay with her, to seeing my best little sister and having her crawl right onto my lap and cry because she's missed me so. fortunately, some wonderful women found space for me on their couches so i didn't sleep in the cold, and my little sister is now determined to come visit, and maybe even relocate!

the highlights? there are so many...seeing the look on the faces of friends who had no idea i was coming to town to celebrate a friend's birthday, seeing how stinkin' happy my sister is with a man who loves her (they're adorable together), connecting with women i haven't seen in years, and even making new friends!

i got to remember why i love these women...got to experience their sweetness, their sexiness, their good- heartedness.  i even got to do something i'd never done before, and that's saying a lot! (the person who helped me w/this one knows who she is)  i got to see my adorable, dorky nephew, and be delighted by his quirky ways.  i got to see friends' babies all grown up...they're amazing, beautiful children.

i was blessed to connect with one of my true loves, and have one of the most comfortable, sweet interactions with her ever.  i'm still smiling about that... we've both come so far.

i also got very little sleep and way too much time to reflect.  i was acutely aware of the fact that some of the people i counted as good friends in the past have slipped away...or maybe i have.  i've changed, and doubtless they have, too.  that's how life works, and it's good.  it gave me an opportunity to remember my former self and take stock of who i am today.  fortunately, i like the person i am.  i  did have lots of time to think about the next level of commitments i want to make to myself and to my family, the next right things to do to honor my spirit.

i came home absolutely sure that we made the right decision to move to san francisco, even though i miss so many good women back home.  i miss having a community to hold me up, but i've also learned to be strong, and truly happy, right here.  with the new insights that are brewing in my mind, i'm confident that loving, supportive relationships will develop for me here.  (that doesn't mean i'm going to stop trying to lure the best of you out here! san francisco could use a good dose of your beauty to enhance all it's already got.)

i came home remembering how much i love my wife, and equally commited to creating other loving relationships that will allow me to express all the aspects of myself that crave equal billing.  i've got a big heart, with ample room for other loves.

now, i'm tired, and i need to connect w/my sweet boy who's quite ill.  time to go snuggle up next to him, and remind him of how much i adore him.  my heartfelt thanks to each of you who made time and space for me this weekend.  i love you all...

5:55 PM - 6 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

is that a remote in your pocket...?
Current mood: amused

we got a wii system for ourselves this christmas, and we're totally addicted.  each evening, we can be found going through our routine of bowling, golf, and tennis.  the cool thing about wii is that jack can play.  fact is, he's currently got the best overall record in golf, and he regularly beats us at bowling as well.  it's so fun to play together- jack cheers for us when we do well, and of course gets excited when he slaughters us. it's an activity everyone can participate in, and the playing field is leveled.

as fun as that is, i'm really loving my tennis matches w/jennifer.  anyone who knows her understands that she abhors exercise or sports, so it's especially fun to watch her leaping around the room, swinging at tennis balls!  i got the giggles so bad tonight watching her that i missed my shot!  so far, i've managed to whack her 3 times going for my backhand, and i've broken a glass--but it's totally worth it for the fun we're having!

i'm so glad we went ahead and splurged on the wii...we've already gotten way more than our money's worth!

11:15 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

connection?
Current mood: pensive

i long for it, i strive for it.  true, meaningful connection.  what does it mean, how do i create it?  so many possibilities, so many hopeful glimpses.  others say they want it, say they'll show up... but.  where are the connections?  where is the depth, the lasting spark that will survive the test of time and perceived distance? yeah, we'll get together!  yeah, i want that too!  so where are you?  we? 

i sit here at my computer, hoping to feel the connection.  the surety.  the knowing that i'm not the only person longing to share and be shared.  it's not here, and i don't know how to find it outside my door. 

it all turns out to be words.  nice words.  friendly, loving words.  good intentions.  nothing tangible, nothing to keep my heart warm and full.  nothing to grow on, except to grow more self-sufficient, less reliant on others for validation, stimulation, connection. 

is this what i'm supposed to learn?  to not yearn for others?  to not want to be known and loved?  sometimes, that seems to be the only option.  i don't like it much, but perhaps i just need to grow up and want what i have.  is that the key?

when did we all become so afraid?  i swear, i used to know people who were just as excited as i was about the possibility of exponential  connection.  now, it seems as if  the people i meet are only willing/able to go so far. We can speak the words, smile the smiles, but... anything more than that is too much effort, perhaps not worth the risk. 

i wonder, am i the same?  it's been so long since i've been pushed to expand my limits, to risk.  would i be able to if someone showed up on my doorstep and was willing to give me everything i desire?  or would i say some nice words and slowly back away...

9:30 AM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

blonde
Current mood: amused

so my sister calls me today from columbus..."hey, what's that one girlfriend's name, you know, blonde..." i'm at a loss, i have no idea what she's talking about.  "you know, you used to date her, she's blonde!"  i ask her where she is; mt. carmel east hospital. (my sister's a paramedic) "hurry! she's standing right down the hall, i know she's going to say hi and i can't remember her name!!" 

i'm wracking my brain, going through the list of former blondes in my life.  hospital, east side of town...got it! "it's sally...tell her i said hi!" my sister says hello, plays it off like she knew her name the whole time.  afterward, i bust her chops.  honey, i'm as big a slut as you are.  you have to give me more information than "blonde"! 

she giggles, knows i'm right.  fortunately, we were able to save the day...or the moment anyway.  i'm still chuckling...

12:42 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

cooking with my boy
Current mood: good

one day last week, i announced that jack would be responsible for dinner on wednesday nights.  i can't remember exactly what inspired me to make that decision, but in general, i believe in giving kids responsibilities.  because jack is dependent on us for so much, i feel that he needs to know that he contributes to the workings of our family.  one of the basic human needs that Maslow identified is the need to be needed.  so...

after we completed jack's school work for the day, we pulled out  the soup pot and began filling it with ingredients.  we poured in some black beans, some pretty beans that jack picked out at the grocery one day, and some quinoa (great source of protein).

i found some carrots and an onion in the fridge.  i decided to let jack help with the cutting.  he put his hand on top of mine, and i could actually feel him helping to push the knife through the vegetables.  he held the knife for a couple of cuts himself-- hard work, but he really enjoyed it.  we used the big chopping knife to cut up a sweet potato, too. then came the fun of sweeping the cut veggies into the soup pot.

we pulled some hot peppers out of the fridge, and made sure to give them a good sniff.  we do a lot of smelling when we cook...adds to the fun!  jack loves spicy foods, so he was all for adding the peppers.  we pressed some fresh garlic cloves, and set about finding the right spices for his soup.  sniffed some cumin, added it in.  some cilantro, of course! on a whim, i had him sniff some cinnamon, and it ended up in the pot as well.  who knew?  i think it made the dish!

we filled the pot, put it on to cook for the afternoon.  jack was excited when the aroma started to fill the house.  now we just had to wait for momma jennifer to come home and share his creation with her!  

when she arrived, the scent of the soup greeted her at the door.  it had grown chilly outside, and she remarked on how perfect the soup would be for warming her up.  the pride on jack's face was delightful to see.  

we made some corn muffins, and momma jennifer ran across the street to get some authentic mexican sour cream.  perfect.  

jack doesn't always want to eat dinner, but last night he ate two bowls of soup.  it tastes better when you know how much love and effort you put into it.  i can't wait to see what he makes next week!

9:19 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment