O.K., now I usually can’t watch . . .
Current mood: amused
Category: Life
. . . videos on youtube and other sites about anyone's misfortune, that gets turned into comedy (for example: "Star Wars Kid", "Peter Pan", anything that Crocker kid has done, etc., etc.), and I definitely cannot, and haven't, watched some of the other clips that have surfaced on the net ("2 girls 1 cup", the video of the guy on safari getting out of his car and getting eaten by lions, and so on.)
The extent of my youtube entertainment comes from bands doing terrible covers of other bands, infants saying crazy shit, insane gospel musicians, talking cats, outtakes and bloopers, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I recently watched a video with some friends about a man having an anxiety attack on a plane. He was convinced that he was going to die. I watched it because it wasn't intended to be funny. It was someone documenting and extraordinary moment.
So when I saw the title "Crazy Girl On Train.", I thought "Is this going to be another interesting look into someone's psyche, or am I gonna regret watching some fucked up shit."
(P.S. - I know I'm waaaaay late on seeing this video.)
Now, the video said "(with funny subtitles)" next to it, so I figured there would be no violence or death in it. I watched:
O.K.. Pretty funny. Some of the subtitles were a stretch, but it kept my interest through the whole thing.
I decide to find the original video. Without the satirical subtitles, the video gets a little more serious, and kind of sad. Clearly, this girl has some mental issues:
So now, I'm feeling a little bummed, and starting to regret watching these, when all of a sudden, I see, under "Related Videos":
"ATL Hoodrat aka SOULJA GIRL"
Now, one thing I hate more than gross, or gory, or uncomfortable videos, is remixes. If I had to see that goddamn "This Is Sparta!" remix again, I was going to slit my wrists. Everything had a remix, and every time, they pretty much sucked.
Never have a been so glad to be so wrong:
Not only can I not stop watching it, it is now in my ipod, and I will probably torture everyone I know with it. And for those of you who have been unfortunate to be subjected to "Manny's Macbook Theater", get ready for more. heh.
(Not private anymore.) They say that writing everything down . . .
Current mood: helpless
Category: helpless Life
. . . helps you deal with grief and loss when everything else fails, so I’m going to give it a shot.
On May 13th of 2005, I met the most amazing woman I have ever known. And, of course, she was sought at by just about every guy at that birthday party that night. I never thought that she would show any interest in me. Our mutual friend introduced us, and we talked a little. I flirted, and she seemed not to mind. She bought me a shot of tequila, which I can’t drink because of a bad experience with the stuff, but I drank it. It was from her. We were talking about movies, and before she left, she suggested we have a movie night. I thought she meant me, her, and our mutual friend who was her roommate at the time.
Her roommate was not there. Now, I’m not a ladies’ man. Never was. I was terrified. We watched City Of God. Not really a date movie, but I didn’t care. She seemed to enjoy my company. I definitely enjoyed hers. We watched the movie, talked, laughed about having some of the same friends, and I went home. No kiss, (I didn’t want to push it), but the best hug I ever received. I had to go to Cali to record for a week, and all I could think about was getting back home so I could see her again. We texted while I was away that week, and it seemed like things were gonna pick up.
They did. There are certain details I will not go into during this, but I can say that this woman got to me. the only problem was that I was in the process of trying to start a new life at the time. I had just recently moved back from California, where my plan to be a studio musician didn’t turn out the way I had hoped. Work wasn’t as steady or reliable as I had wished, and I got a call to do Glassjaw again. It seemed to be the right time to move back. I was also changing emotionally. Ever since I was a young kid, I fell in love immediately. There was no middle ground with me. I would fall for someone at first sight, and fall HARD. That’s just the way it was. But I never received it in return. I always came across as the hopeless romantic. The guy that pined over the girl who wasn’t interested, but loved the attention.
So my attitude changed. I was against falling in love. I was 30, and only had one girlfriend. Not because I was a player all that time, but because I always seemed to fuck everything up before things could start. So I started to date. I would date a girl that I couldn’t possibly get serious with because of geographical distance, or some other factor. It would always have to end pretty quickly, and neither party would get hurt that much. And it seemed as though that having the knowledge that things couldn’t last, would help my confidence. I wouldn’t worry about whether or not the girl would love me back. I didn’t have to. Plus, I had never really dated. I was very inexperienced, and wasn’t sure if I had to go through a period of dating, before I settled down, like everyone had always told me.
But here I was. With the most beautiful, sexy, intelligent, witty, talented, determined, and caring woman I had ever met. And she liked me. She even eluded to the fact that she could fall in love with someone like me.
Me?!? Really?!? But . . . that doesn’t happen to me. Girls don’t fall in love with me. Especially someone like her. They get scared by my intensity, usually. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to handle it. Here I was. Living at home because work didn’t pan out. Not playing in a steady band yet. Broke. I felt absolutely inadequate. I felt guilty. How could I possibly be what she wanted? Look at her. She’s got everything. I have nothing.
She talked about things getting more serious as time went on. She is a very passionate woman, and when she wants something, she goes after it. She talked about marriage. She talked about kids. At the time, I wanted neither. I didn’t think I was fated to have either.
So what did I do? I shut down. I didn’t call as much. I was afraid. I wasn’t ready for this. I wasn’t ready for her. I loved every moment I was with her, but I was conflicted. Do I continue to see her, and let her believe that things will turn out the way she hoped, or do I tell her that we can’t continue? It was horrible. She could see something was wrong, and she asked me what our deal was. Are we seeing other people? Are we taking this further? She needed something from me. All I could do was tell her that I didn’t want to be serious with anyone. That I had recently started living the "single life" and wasn’t ready to stop that life yet. But that there might be a chance. If only we don’t rush into it.
Idiot.
She got fed up, understandably, and eventually cut me off from her life. There was nothing I could do to change it. I wasn’t sure I wanted to change it. But I knew that it hurt both of us, and I never felt so terrible about letting someone down like that.
So months pass, and eventually she sends me a message saying hey, and that hopefully we can be friends. She was happy in a relationship, and still liked me enough to have me in her life. It felt really good. We talked every once in a while, and I saw her go through 2 relationships that didn’t work out like she had hoped.
What she didn’t know, was that while I was on tour living the single life, I thought about her. I wasn’t supposed to. I was supposed to live this new life of mine. I wasn’t supposed to think about her. But I did. I though about the future. I thought about who I could picture myself with if I ever settled down. She would be the only face I saw in those times.
We saw each other twice, briefly, in the year that passed after we parted. After the second relationship ended, we talked more. I got back from Warped Tour and we decided to actually hang out. No expectations. Just spending time with someone you get along with.
Then I saw her in person again. God Dammit. This is not going to be easy. It never is. Now, she was trying the dating thing, and what I didn’t know about when we would hang out, is that a "friend" she introduced me to, was really a guy she was seeing. It probably didn’t look good that I was completely flirting with her during those times. One night, we hung out at a bar, and she got a little freaked out, because the guy she was seeing was there when we walked in, and she got a call from another guy who she also started seeing, and he was going to show up, as well. She didn’t know what to do.
So here I am, chatting it up with one of them, now knowing their involvement, while she talks to the other one, and tries to keep them apart. She pulls me aside and tells me a little bit about each guy, and what she likes and dislikes about them. Then she asks me who I think she should choose.
Uh oh. Really? She wants me to make this decision?
Here goes . . .
"Who do I think you should choose?"
"Yeah."
"Well . . . me."
"What?!?"
"Oh, wait . . . I shouldn’t have said that."
"But did you mean it?"
"Well, yes. I do mean it."
We left, and I walked her home. We talked the whole way back. About everything. About what we had. About what we could have had. We talked about how we both thought about each other during that year apart. Is this really happening? Does she still feel something for me? Do I have another chance? We got to her door, and she warned me. She told me that she still loved me, and that if I was really serious about this, and that I wouldn’t back out like I did before, that she would drop everything for me. She told me to think about it.
I thought about it. What made me say what I said at the bar? Did I say it because I was ready to do this, or was I saying it out of envy? Did I say it because I didn’t want the other guys to have her? Now, if you know me, you know that I’m not very good at hiding my feelings or my emotions. It’s a gift, as well as a curse. So I wrote her saying that. I told her I wasn’t sure why I said it.
Idiot.
It immediately put her on guard. Understandably. It wasn’t worth the possible heartache for her to deal with my indecisiveness. And she was absolutely right. If we’re going to put ourselves out there again, I better have my shit together.
I was ready. I had never been more ready. But things took a sharp right turn. She picked one of the other guys. I lost my chance. I tried to convince her that my indecisiveness was just me thinking and wanting to make sure I didn’t hurt her.
I was too late. The other guy had to move out of his place, and moved in with her.
No. What am I going to do? How am I going to win her back? I can’t compete with that. There’s nothing I can do. But that can’t be right.
I love her. She loves me.
I refused to give up. I tried to write her. I tried to call her. I didn’t want to ruin her chance at happiness with this other guy, but he couldn’t possibly love her as much as I do. She can’t love him as much as she loves me. We have history. We know that it could work. We both though about it when we were apart. I can’t lose her.
I can’t.
The next few weeks were torture for me. She wasn’t ready to give up her chance at being happy with someone who wasn’t having the doubts that I had before. but I wasn’t giving up. I broke down many times in those weeks, but I didn’t give up. I couldn’t give up. This was worth fighting for. It was worth everything.
Now I don’t know if things didn’t work out with him because of my efforts, or because it just wasn’t working out between them, but she started to let her guard down. She would talk to me about it. And when I got back from a quick run of shows, we agreed to meet. Her birthday was coming up, and I remembered that I had a voucher for the "$1000 Golden Opulence Sundae" at Serendipity 3, which is a dessert place in Manhattan. I asked to take her to have this sundae for her birthday. It was perfect. I could give her this great experience that you never expect to have, and then I could tell her all the things I need to tell her. Tell her all the things she needs to hear. When we dated the first time, we joked about me proposing with a ring pop. I brought one with me. I gave it to her outside afterwards to see if she remembered. She did. I told her that it meant that, when the time was right, I was going to give her a real one.
I was ready for this. I was ready for her. This was it. And I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t doubting it. I was in love. I had never been this in love.
To me, there are two kinds of people. The kind you look at, and see as a distraction, and the kind of person you look at, and see as a part of your life. I wanted to make her my whole life.
She had a DJ gig the next night for her birthday. I couldn’t go because the guy she was dating, but not anymore, was also spinning a set during the night, even though he was already moved out. Fair enough. She called in tears that night because the screen on her laptop broke, and she couldn’t use her computer to DJ when she goes back to her hometown for the week. She was leaving the next day. I didn’t want her to be miserable on her birthday. It would kill me. I told her not to worry. I got ready, left for the 24 hour mac store at 11 p.m., and showed up to her gig with a laptop for her. She was speechless. She kept saying that she couldn’t take it unless she could pay me back. I humored her, but never wanted her to pay me back. it didn’t matter. We were gonna be together. I knew it. We were gonna get married. We were going to have beautiful coffee colored children. Who cared about the money? She said that she was going to cry, but for a whole different reason, now. My heart melted. That was it. She knew I was serious. When she got back, that was it. I knew it.
And that was it. She got back, called me immediately, told me to come over, and I never went back home.
Sure, I had my own place. I had a great friend as a roommate, but I was never there. I didn’t want to be away from her, and she didn’t want to be away from me. I had gotten used to living out of a bag, anyway, with being on tour so much.
It was amazing. I got to see her face when I woke up. I got to see her face when I went to sleep. I still had to tour, and she either worked from her computer, or had DJ gigs, but we spent as much time as we could together. It was hard at first. I would be on tour for 2 months at a time, and I hated being away from her. It was terrible. Here I was, telling her that I was ready to be the man she wanted. the man who would put a ring on her finger. The man who would be the father of her children. The man that she could grow old with, and I end up being away a lot.
It’s not the best time to be away. Not when it’s so new. I didn’t want to ruin it before it fully blossomed.
Another thing that was hard was dealing with the environments that our careers put us in. I play in bands that go on tour a lot, or record away from home. She saw the attention I would get from girls who liked the bands, and she didn’t like it. She doesn’t like the bands I play in. And I think that’s awesome. I never had to worry about whether or not she wanted me because of my band. She wanted me because of me.
She had also established herself as a respected DJ, and had a lot of admirers. I would see it when I would go to her nights, and after a while, it made me uncomfortable. I never thought that she would cheat on me, but it made me uneasy to watch how all those guys would gush at her. I also wasn’t part of that scene. I don’t really go to bars or drink, and I don’t like to stay up that late. But she would DJ often near the apt., so I would pop in, here and there, and bring her anything if she needed it. She could see how uncomfortable I was in that scene, and she stopped asking me if I would come.
I felt really bad about it. I felt like I wasn’t involved in a part of her life. I didn’t want her to feel like I didn’t approve of that scene. It just wasn’t my scene. But I was happy for her, and proud of her for doing so well in it.
And, all of a sudden, I was home a lot. She worked at home during the day, and I basically lounged around the apt. when I wasn’t recording or touring. I think it started to get a little tense. I didn’t want to distract her from her work, yet I was so happy to be home and with her. I wanted to pull her away from that computer all the time, but knew I couldn’t. I think she wanted to step away from that computer, too, but knew she couldn’t.
So here we were. Home together, but couldn’t really spend time together. And if we weren’t home together, I was on tour, or she was DJing ’til the early morning hours. There were times where she didn’t come back until the next afternoon and wouldn’t call to let me know she was ok. I didn’t want to call her. I didn’t want to be that guy. I wasn’t a jealous guy with her, so I didn’t think she was with someone else, but I wished she would let me know that she was safe. It was very hard to sleep without her.
There were other problems that we had that I can’t go into detail about, for her sake, but I started to worry. I started to feel like maybe I was not giving her what she needed. I started to feel like she wasn’t giving me what I needed.
But that can’t be. We’re in love. We’re soul mates. We’re made for each other. But instead of talking about our problems, for fear of upsetting each other, we kept it bottled up. We wouldn’t resolve it. I was afraid to talk. I didn’t want to upset her. I didn’t want to disappoint her.
It would get very tense. She finally confronted me about things. She asked me if I had doubts about us. I said that I did. She thought that that meant that I didn’t want to be in this. And, for a moment, I thought that maybe I should spare her from the problems we were having by breaking it off.
Idiot.
She didn’t want me to go. I thought that it would help her. I didn’t know if I was doing the right thing. And when I stepped into my place and closed the door to my room, I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my life. So, of course, I told her that I was stupid to break it off, and that I wanted to come back. She was right. If we have a problem, we should talk it out, not break up. If this was going to work, it was going to take a lot of work. I’m very not confrontational, and I had to learn to talk about things that bothered me. I agreed to do so.
But the problems seemed to continue. I was unhappy, but I didn’t want to push it, I didn’t want to make the same mistake again without giving it enough time to get better. One problem with that, was that I didn’t know how long was long enough. Should things start to get better immediately? Will it take months? All I knew was that it wasn’t getting any better. We still loved each other, and we still wanted to be together, but something was definitely wrong. And I still wasn’t giving her what she asked for. Which was to tell her what was on my mind. Whether it was about my unhappiness, or to tell her how much I loved her. I never told her that enough. I did mention things, here and there, but not enough.
She told me that this city was getting to her. The nightlife was getting to her. She was finding out as time went on that people she thought were friends, were not really her friends. She thought about leaving this city. I didn’t want to leave this city. She wanted more out of her life. I was afraid that that meant that I wasn’t enough for her. That I was part of the reason she wasn’t happy.
Again, I didn’t know what to do. It seemed like things were not looking good.
A friend of hers needed a place to stay, and moved in with her while I was on tour. I still had my place, but she still wanted me to stay with her. It was hard with all 3 of us in a small apt. like hers. I never resented the fact that her friend moved in. It wasn’t my decision, anyway. If anything, it made me love her more for being such a good friend to do that for someone.
She got tickets to a show she was really excited about. I thought that she wanted me to go with her, but for some reason, it didn’t turn out that way. I thought "Maybe she doesn’t want me to go.". I didn’t push the issue. She left for the show. I stayed up to let her in because I had her keys. She never came back that night. I can’t remember if I texted her, or not, but I finally got a text the next afternoon. It said "In Brooklyn. Still drunk. Going back to sleep". I didn’t know where she was, or who she was with. I couldn’t take it. I felt like she was doing it on purpose. like she wanted me to leave, but didn’t want to say it.
I packed my stuff, put it in my car, and left her keys with another friend of hers who was bartending right across the street. I felt like it was my only option. it felt like talking about it wasn’t working. I felt absolutely helpless.
Leaving did not go over well. She didn’t want me to leave. I didn’t want to leave. I felt like I had no choice. I didn’t come back the next day. I felt like I was making the right choice.
I went back a few days later like she asked to talk to her about it. We talked. For the first time ever, we yelled. I yelled. I never yell. I didn’t change my mind.
The next few days were the worst. She called to tell me that she was going back to her hometown for a week to be with close friends, and that she was going to figure out a way to get me back. She said that she was going to show me that this was worth it.
I got a call from her while she was away. She decided that what she needs to do is get out of the city. She didn’t want to get caught up in the life she was leading there. She wanted to relax, pay less rent, hang out without having to stay out all night, and work on us being the couple that we should have been.
She was going to move back to her hometown for a year.
When she got back, we talked in person. We decided to work things out. We were meant for each other.
She loves me. I love her.
Those next few weeks were hard. I didn’t want her to go. We discussed the idea of getting a place down there together. But we worried that maybe we needed to spend time apart. That she would get through this without depending on me. She felt that I did too much for her, already.
In December, I helped her move and drove her far away to stay at her friend’s house until she found a place. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
When I got back home, I shut down again. I didn’t want to call her all the time, because I didn’t want to make her sad. I didn’t want her to hear how sad I was. Like I said, I’m not good with hiding my emotions or my feelings. I thought about her every day. I missed her every day. I missed the way she would steal a glance at me when I wasn’t looking. I missed the way she laid her legs across my lap when she sat down next to me on the couch. I missed going out to eat with her, and staring in her eyes. I missed watching her get excited when she played video games on the floor. I missed pretending to not be ticklish (yes. I am.), and then tickling her ’til her sides hurt. I missed sitting and watching certain movies with her over and over again. I missed when she would put a song on her page that was about me. All I wanted was to hold her in my arms. To kiss her. To be her knight in shining armor. To look in her eyes and find my purpose again.
I missed coming home, and seeing her there.
She wanted to fly me out there. She said that she talked to her mom and she realized that we were worth all of this. That we were worth fighting for.
She booked a DJ gig in February and said that she had to see me. I had to be calm, but I couldn’t wait to see her. I wanted to look at her face again. I wanted to fall in love again. You see, every time I saw her face, it was like the first time. I fell in love with her every time I saw her.
A few weeks before the gig, I noticed that she wasn’t keeping in touch as much. She wasn’t very responsive if I sent her an IM. I sent her a message a few days before she left. I told her that I knew we haven’t been keeping in touch like we were, but I wanted to make sure we would see each other.
She replied a couple of days later to tell me that she would love to see me while she was there. Maybe Thursday or Friday during the day.
Oh no. This is not good. When did she go from "I want to see you." to "Maybe Thursday or Friday during the day?"
No, no, no, no. This can’t be happening. Something’s wrong. Why do I get the feeling that I’m not going to see her while she’s here? This can’t be right. If she didn’t want to see me, Why didn’t she tell me before?
She came up on a Wed. night. Thursday? No call. I was going to call her, but noticed that she posted a blog about having a migraine and was going out to her old stomping ground that night. O.K., scratch Thursday. Friday comes, no call. I knew she was going to be getting ready for her gig that night, so I didn’t try to call her. Finally, on Saturday, she calls me as I’m sending her a message about us missing our Thursday and Friday window. She apologized and asked what I was doing Sunday afternoon. I told her I was free. I guess she was going out Saturday night. And when I saw her status headline about "looking forward to tonight", (God, I hate myspace), I knew what was happening.
I lost her. I lost her, and I didn’t even know it. I couldn’t sleep. Every possible scenario is running through my head. I’m crushed. This isn’t happening.
Sunday morning comes. No call. Sunday afternoon comes. No call. I call her, but get no answer. I text her. No response. I get a message that evening that she is very sorry. She left her phone in a cab the night before, and was waiting for the cabbie to bring it to her. She hoped that we could get together before she left on Monday.
And here goes Good Ole’ Manny. Not able to hide his emotions. I write her this long reply about being very disappointed in her efforts to see me. I didn’t want to imply that she flaked on me for someone else, just in case I was wrong. I told her that I wasn’t sure that I wanted to see her Monday anymore. That either I didn’t want to see her in my current state, or say yes again, only to have her not show.
She texted me the next day, saying she was sick and asking me if I hated her. I called her to try and figure out what was going on. She told me that felt like we were growing apart. that she was afraid to see me. that she doesn’t know what she wants.
WHAT?!? HUH? When? Less than a month ago, she was telling me how good a boyfriend I was when we were together. That she loved me and missed me so much.
She said like she felt like she was moving on. What the hell happened? Why am I hearing this for the first time now? On the day that she’s leaving?
She was sick and said that she had to take a bath and lay down, but she would call me back.
She didn’t call me back.
She was in New York. She was here. And I didn’t even get to see her. And even if it was going to be the last time, I would never get to hold her and kiss her goodbye.
I wrote her again, asking her why we didn’t finish the conversation. Telling her how much I loved her, and that I never fell out of love with her. Asking her if she fell out of love with me and, if so, when? Explaining to her why I didn’t call so much when she moved away. Asking her to tell me if she doesn’t want me anymore.
Asking her to tell me something.
I kept calling and leaving messages for her to call me back, so we can figure this out. I knew that she had already figured it out. But I needed to hear it.
I finally got her on the phone when she was already back home. We started to talk about it again, but she said her phone was dying, so she would have to call me back. Again. No call. And again, (fucking myspace), I see status headlines that say "hates this distance" and "is wondering what you’re doing right now" and "wants to go to Vegas".
She had found someone else. She found someone who excites her. She found someone who makes her feel the way I used to before I fucked it up.
But . . . we’re meant for each other. I love her. She loves me.
Right?
I call her again the next day, not expecting her to pick up. She picks up. We talk. She tells me how she was afraid of this conversation. She told me that she feels like she’s moving on. That she feels like we’re growing apart. That she feels like we’re different people. How she feels like I don’t fit in to her life goals. That I wouldn’t be supportive of her dreams of following through with the music she’s been writing, or the traveling around the world that she wants to do.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn’t know what to say. I asked her if there was someone else. She said no, but that she felt like she might want to move on. I asked her what I could do. I can fix this. We can fix this. She wasn’t giving in. She wasn’t budging. She said there was nothing to fix.
She said goodbye. I cried. She cried. It hurt more than anything I could possibly imagine.
I was with David at my friend Reed’s house. I came back in from the hallway. I didn’t know what was happening. This isn’t right. This doesn’t make sense. Why would she not want to try and fix it? She ALWAYS wants to fix it. She wanted to fix it when I wasn’t sure we should.
I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t lose her. Who was I going to marry? Who was I going to make babies with? Who was I going to dance with (when I finally get up the courage to.)? Who was I going to travel with? Who was I going to make beautiful music with? Who was I going be proud of? Who was I going to grow old with? Who was I going to laugh and play with? Who was I going to make a home with?
Why did she make me feel this, then pull the rug out from under me?
No. I didn’t give up before. I’m not going to give up now. And I was upset that she wouldn’t tell me that there was someone else. I sent her a message calling her out on it. She was clearly not happy about it, but still didn’t give anything away. I called her again after not being able to go home for a few days.
And I begged. I begged like you would not believe. I had no shame. I don’t regret it. I meant every word. I would do anything I could to make it work. To make her happy. To make us happy. We talked about the problems we had. We talked about my issues. We talked about her issues. We were really talking, but she still wasn’t budging.
Finally, she tells me that she’s into someone else. I can’t hold my tears back anymore, and she hangs up.
She calls back, and we finish. I tell her that I can’t choose who she falls for. All I can do is tell her how much I love her, and how strongly I feel about us fixing this. there was nothing else I could do. And, of course, her phone starts to die. She says that she’s gonna charge it, and we’ll finish again.
I wait a few hours, calm down, and write down what I want to say. I told myself that I was going to be calm. I was going to respect her feelings. I was going to gracefully let her go. Not that I had a choice, but I wasn’t going to make it hard for her anymore.
I call her and leave a message. She calls back, and we talk. Calmly. She explains everything to me. I ask her who it is, but she doesn’t want to tell me. Fair enough. I figure that it’s probably better if I don’t know anyway.
We talked about how we had more good memories than bad memories. I told her that she was my greatest love. She told me that ours was her greatest relationship. We agreed that the last time we saw each other in person when I flew back home after helping her move was not the best last memory to have of each other. There was never going to be any closure to this.
We agreed that we couldn’t continue to be friends. I couldn’t be there while she was with someone. I told her that if this new guy didn’t work out, to find me. She said that it would be selfish of her to expect me to wait for her if that were to happen. I still meant it. After all this. I still meant it. I still believe that we’re meant for each other.
Is that crazy? To believe that we’re fated to be together? I know that everyone says that there are plenty of people out there, and that you make the choice that’s best for you.
I think we are fated to be together. I think the fact that we spent that time apart, and got back together, stronger than ever, is a testament to that. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love her, and I don’t believe I ever will.
She said that the fact that she didn’t feel 100% about us anymore allowed her to move on. To allow herself to look for someone else. That was the first time I realized that she was 100% that whole time. I was sure about how I felt, but wasn’t sure if I was what she wanted. And all that time . . . I was.
I can’t help feeling like maybe she’s just temporarily infatuated with someone. To throw everything we had together away so suddenly doesn’t feel right to me.
I’ve never felt regret like this. I’ve never felt pain and loss like this. Us being apart feels like the biggest mistake in all the land of big mistakes.
I haven’t gone to her profile after the morning of the 3rd, where I saw a playlist she made for the new guy. I shouldn’t have gone to her page. I shouldn’t torture myself.
I know I said I would leave her alone, and let her have her chance at happiness, but I still believe her happiness is with me.
I can’t let go. I don’t know what to do.
And I’m not sure I should post this. I risk the hatred of the one I love for publicly talking about it. I risk the respect of my friends who may look at me like a sucker or a crazy, sad, whimpering fool (which I don’t care about, anyway). I risk losing my chance of getting her back.
Because as of right now, I don’t have her. And I want her back.
I want her back.
More than anything.
More than EVERYTHING.
I love her.
She loves me.
I hope.
Update:
She read this blog, which was only viewable to her at the time.
She said that it really touched her.
But not enough, I guess.
I am completely broken and lost. I can’t imagine my life without her.
Currently
listening
:
Disintegration
By
The Cure
Release date: 01 May, 1989
Quick Gear Update . . .
Current mood: cold
Category: Pets and Animals
So, I received a couple of messages about what I used on Under The Boards.
If you've read the long blog about my gear, you'll know what I'm talking about without me having to put the pics up again.
I'm using my main P Bass Plus, and I got to use my Fulltone Bass Drive on a recording for the first time.
Again, I used the speaker from the Ampeg B100R combo, but used the head section from an old Ampeg Portaflex B15 combo:
That set up is pretty constant throughout the recording. The only changes would be using an old '68 P Bass on Lonely Nights, which I also used on Don't Know Why, off of Sound The Alarm. It just has a very deep soft tone which worked well for those songs.
In addition to that, I used my friend Marc's fretless jazz bass (I think it's a Fender body with a Modulus graphite neck, or it's just all Modulus) for Stay, and the intro to Getaway. That intro was recorded live twice; One time for the right speaker, another time for the left, so Chris and Dave changed parts for each take, while Durijah and I had to make sure we played the same exact thing twice. If anyone reading this has ever played a fretless, I haven't had a lot of experiences with one, aside from the random drunken acoustic sets on Warped Tour where I thought it would be funny to use one, so recording that intro was especially terrifying for me.
Well, I think that's it for now. I can't really talk about what gear I'm using on the recording I'm working on now, and wouldn't know where to start, anyway. That blog is going to be very interesting . . .
My New Campaign.
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life
So I'm watching Dirty Jobs on television today after having an argument with my sister about her being an unfit mother.
...
Wait. Let me go back a bit. You see, right now I'm homeless. So I am staying with my father until I figure out what to do about a living situation. Other than spending time with my parents, who I love dearly, life in my family's place is not a pleasant one.
I'm also in a state of uncertainty and sadness about my decision to end the longest relationship I've ever been in.
I've recently found myself in situations, whether it be work, family or personal, where I keep my mouth shut about the things that make me unhappy, because they are things that I cannot change, and it is not my place to do so.
So after a while, it takes its toll on me. Or maybe I'm just being a baby. Maybe it's naive of me to adopt the whole "Go with with flow" and "Trust in people to figure it out" attitude. I'm not a mind reader, so I shouldn't expect anyone else to be.
I just realized that this is probably way too personal to share here, but anyone that knows me knows that I share everything. I have no barriers with my life.
Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent. Bottom line, I'm starting to lose faith in a lot of things.
O.K.. Cut back to watching Dirty Jobs after the argument:
The episode takes place in a Raw Sewage Treatment Plant. My nephew, Taj Malik, asks me if all that is poop. I confirm it, and tell him that I may not want to watch this.
The 7 year old looks at me and says. "No. I want to watch it. It's important. We have to clean up the world. The world is not going to clean itself."
I'm nominating him for President of the United States, and my life.
I Am Finally Free . . . (Pictures not for the squeemish)
Current mood: relaxed
Category: Life
It's been a few weeks at this point, but it hasn't really hit me until now.
No more being terrified of pizza or chocolate or those little phantom pains in my side during the day.
I finally passed my second kidney stone. No. More. Stones.
You see, I've had the same 2 kidney stones in my body for about a decade. I passed the first one last year, (as some of you may know, as well as the story behind it.), and passed my other one in a tour bus somewhere between Tucson and Vegas.
Just the attacks alone were the worst pain I had ever been in. I had 3 attacks within 5 days on tour, and played our set in Ft. Lauderdale during an attack. I had to highly medicate myself to get through it. Best/Worst set ever.
Anyway, I'm just glad to finally be rid of them. Having this come out of your penis seems very unnatural:
Tell me that thing doesn't look like some little sea creature you saw on that Planet Earth series.
Good Riddance.
Currently
listening
:
Era Vulgaris
By
Queens of the Stone Age
Release date: 12 June, 2007
It's weird, 'cause I get way more messages about my gear or settings than I would ever think. In general, I'm pretty terrible about replying to messages, so I figured that I would take the opportunity to post a blog about it for those who have asked previously, and for those who will be curious in the future.
This blog will probably be pretty long and involved, so I apologize in advance.
I guess I'll split it up into sections. My setup hasn't really changed that much over the past few years, but every recording has different variables.
First, I'll do the live setup, because it's pretty consistent:
Now, it all begins with this bass:
I've used it on every recording that has been officially released, and on almost every recording I've done, period. It's a '92 Fender Precision Bass Plus. No those aren't 2 input jacks. My tone knob broke off during the recording of GJ's EYEWTKAS, and I've been too lazy to fix it. I can still change the tone if I want with a small flat head screwdriver, but I pretty much have the tone up all the way, anyway, since it's passive. It has both a Precision pickup, and a Bridge Jazz pickup, but I only use the Precision pickup. The Jazz pickup is only used for when I play along with some Sade shit. =)
The bass originally came with Fender Lace Sensor pickups, but the precision pickup stopped working, and at the time, I couldn't order new ones. My solution was putting in passive Bartolini pickups. they are a little cleaner than the Lace Sensor pickups, which was fine, because they are a lot harder to overload and distort. Another reason I went with the Bartolini pickups was the fact that there are no exposed pole pieces. I dig in pretty hard, and if I play a bass with stock Fender pickups, I get a lot of loud clicking from the strings hitting the pole pieces.
It's strung with DR High Beam Strings (.45-.105). They are stainless steel strings, so they're pretty bright. They are the longest lasting strings I have ever used, as well as my favorite sounding. I play exclusively with my fingers now, and they are also very comfortable strings.
The Rig:
Ampeg SVT II Pro Bass Head:
And an Ampeg SVT 8x10 Pro Cabinet:
My pro cab has been retired to my storage room for now, so I've been using 8x10 Classic cabs, instead.
As far as the settings for the head go, I have just about all the buttons pushed in except for the decible cut button. The level on the graphic EQ is set flat, but all the frequency faders are pushed all the way up. It pushes the gain in a way that I like.
My gain knob is about 1/4 of the way up, my drive knob about 1/2 way up, bass knob all the way up, midrange knob all they way up, mid frequency knob in the middle, treble knob a little less than 1/4 of the way up, (because of the stainless steel strings), and my master knob around 1/4 of the way up, depending on how big the stage is.
I used to use Zoom 506II Bass pedals:
I've since switched to Fulltone Pedals. I started on the STD tours with a Full Drive 2 guitar pedal:
And have now switched to the Bass Drive pedal:
The Guitar pedal was fine before I started switching between the dirty and clean sounds. The Bass Drive pedal works better for that, because the low end is more consistent between the 2 sounds.
O.K.. Now the settings for Glassjaw's Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Silence, and Saves The Day's Sound The Alarm records, which are the ones I get asked about most:
EYEWTKAS:
My P Bass Plus,
A clean DI channel, mixed with a dirty channel using a Pro Co Rat distortion pedal,
which ran into an old Ampeg Portaflex combo:
I don't really remember the setting on the amp. I usually let the producer use the settings that they have found work best in the room previously, and I'll go fudge around with it.
Sound The Alarm:
Again, my P Bass Plus,
A clean DI channel, mixed with a dirty channel using a Virtual Sound Route 66 Pedal:
which ran into an Ampeg B100R Solid State Combo Amp:
Yes. I said solid state. I HATE solid state circuitry, but for some reason, this amp sounds amazing.
And so that this doesn't come off as me advertising these products, I have not received anything I've used listed here for free. I use these products because I didn't have any of my own gear when I started, and I've pretty much used everything out there from borrowing from other bands and players. I've turned down endorsement offers from companies who's products I don't prefer. I don't care if I get something for free, or if someone pays me to use their product. Not that I'm at that level, anyway, but you get the point.
So that's pretty much all I can think of right now. If anyone has any further questions, please reply to this blog, and I'll do my best to answer.
And if you made it through this whole thing, God Bless, Sen.
I'm excited to play these shows, and to play these songs again, but am sad that I'm going to have to be away from home and the one who makes me smile everyday. Even thought it's only 2 weeks, I know it's gonna feel a lot longer.
I think I will be in these places:
glassjaw - fucking tour 2006
Dec. 14 - City Hall - Nashville, TN Dec. 16 - Ridglea Theater - Fort Worth, TX Dec. 17 - Cains - Tulsa, OK Dec. 18 - Uptown Theater - Kansas City, MO Dec. 19 - First Avenue - Minneapolis, MN Dec. 21 - House of Blues - Chicago, IL Dec. 22 - Saint Andrews -Detroit, MI Dec. 23 - The Crazy Donkey - Farmingdale, NY Dec. 27 - The Recher Theatre - Towson, MD Dec. 28 - The Palladium - Worcester, MA Dec. 29 - Webster Hall - New York City, NY Dec. 30 - Trocadero - Philadelphia, PA Dec. 31 - Toad's Place - New Haven, CT
amused
cold
contemplative
high
relaxed
worried
grateful
