Maybe Shrek Should Have Married Donkey
Current mood: recumbent
Category: Sports

Moshi Moshi, and welcome to another episode of "Who gives a shit" (as in, thats what you say when you read it).

I was going to write about poll results that indicated that Americans See, Hear More Profanity these days, but then I decided "Fuck that Mother Fucking Shit!"

Actually, I'm here today to objectively mediate a debate for the peeps over in India (shout out to my boy Apu Nahasapeemapetilon and my girl Aishwarya Rai). It seems a few of the 1.19 billion people over there feel "loyal" donkeys are better than wives. As you know, if you read it in a book, it must be true! Yes, that's right, that satement now appears in textbooks given to 14-year-olds in the Indian state of Rajasthan.

As you can imagine, plenty of Indian women nearly choked on their Chapati when they got wind of this. But have no fear; I am here to get to mediate. I shall weigh the pros and cons of Donkeys vs. Wives and before your ADHD kicks in, donkeys and wives will be dancing in the streets!

1. Donkeys are hairy

Now I know what you're thinking, but this is my damn debate and I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt to the wives on this one.

ADVANTAGE: WIVES

2. Donkeys can carry a heavy load

Unless youre married to Ms. Olympia 2005, I think the donkey will be the better beast of burden to bring along on that trip up the Rockies this summer.

ADVANTAGE: DONKEYS

3. Donkeys are very vocal

Compared to their cousin the horse, donkeys have a wider variety of sounds they can make, and do so at will, this could get old after a while. Similarly, wives have been know to wait till  4^th and goal with 3 seconds left in overtime to say, "We need to talk" (and we all know what that means) . This one is a push.

ADVANTAGE: DRAW

4. Donkeys are also know as ASSES

I'm assuming a woman would rather be told she has a nice ass than called one.  

How do you think donkeys feel knowing that they have become a nickname for rude people? I guess they feel the same way that John guy does about toilets. Wives on the other hand, know how to use their ASSets to their advantage. Some wives have even been rumored to carry multi-million dollar polices on their rumps.

ADVANTAGE: WIVES

5. Donkeys are stubborn

It's no surprise that wives are good at giving ultimatums. They have the vaginas; therefore they can do that kind of stuff. That doesnt exactly make wives stubborn; it does, incidentally, make them the boss. Donkeys, however, get a bad rap. When I did my research (yes I do research) I found this on wikipedia: "Donkeys have a reputation for stubbornness, but this is due to some handlers' misinterpretation of their highly-developed sense of self preservation." I still have to give this one to the wives.  The almighty bargaining chip between their legs trumps any highly-developed sense a donkey may possess.

ADVANTAGE: WIVES

6. Donkey tail is believed to cure whooping cough by some

Sorry wives, the donkeys got you there (besides, they needed one they were getting creamed.)

ADVANTAGE: DONKEYS

FINAL TALLY: WIVES 3 DONKEYS 2

It was a close one and the donkeys did better than one might have thought, but wives are indeed better than loyal donkeys. Hopefully the folks over in India can move on now. Lets just hope neither side makes an ASS out of themselves. (sorry, couldnt resist)

Just remember two things before you silly kids run off to get married. You can play till your fingers bleed; youll never find a donkey in Donkey Kong, and as the "wise" saying goes, "It's better to be the head of an ass than the tail of a horse." Unless of course you marry a donkey, then it gets all kinds of complicated.

Have fun chowing down on that roasted bunny and gravy.....oh wait,wrong holiday, yah that's it.

Next Time on "YO MTV BLOGS!": (who the hell knows, I'll come up with something, I'm sure)

-Shalom-

(oh and if  you got too many " has posted a new blog" messages, there was a myspace snafu and I had to repost this, TWICE)

Currently listening : Proxima Estación: Esperanza By Manu Chao Release date: 05 June, 2001

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No Flush? No Problem!
Current mood: blank
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!  I was supposed to go the monster truck rally today, but instead I'm in front of this PC again. When you think about it though monster truck rallies and blogs have plenty in common...........ok, so I could only come up with one thing: no one really gives a shit about either.

Just for the record (as I am under oath) I have attended one monster truck rally in my life.  See, deejays in REAL radio markets get a backstage pass to the Tom Petty show; I got monster Truck rally tickets! For those of you who have never had the pleasure, let me sum up the highlights: 1.A totaled car was brought out to be incinerated by a jet engine 2. The burnt car debris were carried by the wind into the crowd (ok, so watching the people scatter was the only highlight). As if that wasn't weird enough, there was only one redneck in the whole crowd and he had come with me. I know what you're thinking, IMPOSSIBLE, but it happened! (and you can ask this guy if it's true)  There's nothing like a monster truck rally where you can get some enchiladas and a Tecate at the concession stand.

But I digress to something almost as odd as a Mexican monster truck rally, waterless urinals. And no, I'm not talking about an outhouse, these are actual urinals that function without H2O, and of course that's pissing some people off! ("pissing", get it? excuse me while I pat myself on the back)  For those of you too lazy to read about it, a high-rise building in Philadelphia is trying to become America's tallest environment friendly building.  Allegedly, these urinals would save 1.6 million gallons of water a year. That means less need for plumbers and that's got them all pissy. (did you know that the "pun" is considered the lowest form of humor?)

It turns out these waterless urinals have been around for over a decade. Walt Disney World, The San Diego Zoo, and the Rose Bowl are all places guys (and I guess gals too, if  you're limber) can pee without that annoying water stuff. The urinals "use a cartridge at the base to trap odors and sediment as waste passes through."

If we can invent pissers that don't use water, surely we can invent automobiles that don't run on gasoline! In fact we should invent cars that run on urine and solve two problems at once!

I really don't want to rattle the wasps' nest that is American oil dependency. So instead, I'll tell you, I've been a man who's used many a urinal, and I hope those filters are heavy duty, because there are some chemical reactions happening in men's restrooms that would make even Mr. Wizard scratch his head. Now, if someone would only invent a machine that shakes IT for us when we're done.

-Da End-

Tune in Next Time For:  F*%K, S*$T, C%#K! 

Currently listening : Labcabincalifornia By The Pharcyde Release date: 20 March, 2001

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I Hope He at least Got an A in the Class
Current mood: savage
Category: Pets and Animals

Call me Ishmael. Some years ago - never mind how long precisely - having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world Hold on, that's not MY intro (although, a few ladies have referred to me as Moby if you know what I mean). What a shame it's taken, because it would be a perfect way to set up a blog.

Any of you folks hear about the hot teacher down in Florida? (How's that for an awkward transition!) Debra LaFave is her name, and warping young boys' minds is her game. Now she's not my type per say (sorry blondies, daddy likes him sum brunettes), but Holy Jebus! (in case you're wondering "Jebus" was the other son, he dropped out of carpentry school to join a boy band that could never hold water, much less walk on it). 

Long story short, she got it on with her 14-year-old student.  I was a14-year-old boy once (ahhh.those weren't the days), and it's going to school for seven hours a day that gives their genitals a chance to recover from the previous night's assault and battery. Now th have to deal with a Hooters girl teaching them Shakespeare?

Ok, so she wasn't a Hooters girl. Nope, that was too classy for her. She followed the logical path to teacherland: a small-time-white-trashy model.  Yes, she once posed for Makes and Models magazine, and here are the pictures to prove it. Makes and models, is one of those mags that combines cars and motorcycles with women who, for one reason or another, can't get a real modeling job.

 I don't think the sex was entirety a crime. As I mentioned earlier, at 14, boys spend most of their time trying NOT to think about naked ladies. And get this, there's a double standard! Shocking, I know. She was let go with a slap on the wrist, although she was sentenced to house arrest for 3 years and probation for 7 from the same charges in another county. I won't defend what she did, but I must admit that it's just hard to feel as outraged as we all would be if the roles had been reversed. I ain't smart enough to know if that's a good or bad thing, but..

You have to feel sorry for the kid though. See, it was his 15-year-old cousin that spilled the beans. Apparently the last time they had sex was in LaFave's SUV, (so that's what the Utility in SUV means) and the cousin was driving while the happy couple got it on in the backseat. I guess the cousin must have misunderstood when she asked him if he wanted to drive, because the next day he went to the police. That has to make for some uncomfortable Thanksgivings, "Hey cuz, could you pass the Teacher, oh, I mean the turkey?"

The funniest thing in all this drama is LaFave's Defense Attorney. This guy is a Johnnie Cochran in the making. At a press conference after the court hearing he was quoted as saying, "The prosecution's plea deal involved prison time and the defense found that unacceptable. To place Debbie into a Florida state women's penitentiary, to place an attractive young woman in that kind of hell hole, is like putting a piece of raw meat in with the lions!"

See, that's why I'll never be a successful lawyer. The best I could come up with was "If she's got nice tits, you must acquit!"

-fin-

On the next edition of "As the World Turds":

Plumbers are "pissed" about new urinals

Currently listening : Fantastic Spikes Through Balloon By Skeleton Key Release date: 25 March, 1997

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Gunfight @ The O-GAY Corral
Current mood: full
Category: Automotive

Greeting, Salutations & Hello. Welcome to an un-overdue edition of blogging with M to the C to the E!

Much has changed since the last time I tickled the plastics. Actually now that I think about it, not much has changed; The Big Easy is still the Big Messy, things are still blowing up in the birthplace of humanity, our fearless leader is still, .........well you know (usually I'd hit you with a one liner there, but I really don't find shooting fish in a barrel all that challenging), and people are still having sex, this AIDS thing isn't working (see there's the payoff, and you thought I'd lost my touch).

Oh actually I thought of one thing that's changed, the wealthy-on-wealthy crime rate went through the roof. It's nice to hear that Mr. Cheney finally shot someone himself instead of living vicariously through poor people's kids.

Today I address the gay cowboy movie thingie. One thing is for sure it gives riding bareback a hole new meaning (yes, I meant to spell it that way). I myself have not seen the movie yet. In fact, I refuse to. THOSE people are disgusting! That's right I typed it! I'm tired of this movement in America to give them equal rights and treat them like normal people. Come on, they wear chaps, walk with a swagger, and that's just not natural.

I know a lot of you will say, "But Marcus, they didn't chose that life, they were born that way!"   Well I'm not buying it! I saw them in high school, with their blue corduroy jackets, and their fancy ribbons, they knew what they were up to. I had a chance to join their little club and I was able to resist their spell. You know when you're young and expirimental and searching for something to get behind, you can end up trying many things on for size, but I was able to overcome. It's bad enough they recruted the marlboro man, now they want to make movies?

Yes ladies and gentlemen it's those people that are a problem in our United States and today. I proudly stand up and join hands with my Native American brothers and tell you that it is these COWBOYS that are threatening the sanctity of marriage!

  With their lassos, and their spurs, just who do they think they are? Why should they get to have all the fun?  How am I supposed to explain to my children that their friend's daddy isn't like normal daddies?  That's why I support a constitutional amendment that defines marriage as between a man and a woman, or two women, or a man and a man, but please lets not pretend like these cowboys deserve the same rights as the rest of us!

Oh yeah, by the way, I heard some of them might be gay. YAWN! 

(dat's all for now)

On the next edition of  "Not so deep thoughts"

A hot teacher, a Scientologist and an illegal immigrant walk in to a bar....

And finally, a link for the clueless

What gunfight?

Currently listening : Vertically Challenged By Lady Sovereign Release date: 15 November, 2005

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HOW DECENT IS YOUR TELEVISION?
Current mood: quixotic

This blog has been removed by the government!

Currently listening : Complete Discography By Minor Threat Release date: 26 February, 1990

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Somewhere, An Indian is Crying
Current mood: hungry

Have you ever been at a stoplight and seen someone throw some trash out their window?

I mean I ain't gonna lie, when I was a young pup, or drunk, or both, I probably threw some shit out the window here and there. But I can honestly say I've never thrown out a giant McDonalds bag full of trash and then, if that's not enough, roll the damn window down again and throw out the drink.

Where the hell do these people think that crap goes? Well, in case you hadn't figured it out, wind and rain carry litter into storm drains, which means it ends up in our water supply.

That's right, take a drink of that lovely glass of water you got there, Mmmmmmm.....Trash!!

How hard is it to keep that crap in your car until you get home and dispose of it properly? I must be stupid, cuz it seems pretty damn simple to me.

Now, I know none of YOU do it, (of course not). But in case you do know someone who does, tell him or her they're a fuckhead, (sorry kids I had to drop the F-Bomb, your poor virgin ears, I know).

Actually, there is a program in Texas, you know it, and you love it, Don't Mess with Texas. So basically you can rat people out for littering, no shit.

It's not like they come to your house and beat you to a pulp, (that doesn't sound like such a bad idea though), but they do send you a trash bag and a letter that calls you a dumb ass. I think it's kind of funny, maybe not the best use of tax payer money, but still cheaper than picking up after the pigs. Texas spent 24-Million last year to pick up trash, so you do the math.

Of course, you know I ain't no damn dirty hippy or anything like that. I actually encourage you to litter all you want,just keep your trash party inside the walls of your domicile. If you wanna go home and wallow in your filth, more power to you. Just leave the rest of us the hell out of it.

For example, say about 30 of us where all sharing one big room. I come over near where youre standing and leave a giant steaming dump on the middle of the floor and walk off, in fact I leave the room entirely, hey its not my problem anymore. You're left with two choices, let the dump stink up the room and generally ruin your good time, or clean it up yourself. Neither of those things should be your problem. If only I had been civilized enough to use the facilities you wouldnt have do deal with it.   How is that any different really?

It's really just a question of intelligence when it comes down to it. Simply put, you can have twenty friggin' PhDs if you can't wait to dispose of your trash in a can, you just ain't so smart.

True there are 5,000 more important things to bitch about in this world, but for some reason this just gets my goat. I guess its mainly since it just seems so easy to avoid.

I'm all for thinning out the gene pool though, so you better hope I don't get a say cuz, I think those folks in Singapore may have some good Ideas.

So, in the meantime, I'll be watching out there, I got me a computer and a website, don't make me use it.

In case you had no idea what the hell I was referring to with the crying Indian reference

Currently listening : In the Mode By Reprazent Release date: 24 October, 2000

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Bush Vs. Science
Current mood: chipper

I'm not one to pile on a guy when he's down, ok, scratch that, I may just pile on, especially if there is a woman involved. My point however is that our lovely president continues to baffle me.

Let me get this outta they way now, if you're a holly roller (and if you are reading this Im guessing you're not) I fully support your rights. I mean you can "Jesus It Up" all you want. Buy the album, go to the concert, get the T-shirt, the tattoo, the pot-holders, the toilet seat, etc. I get it, your God is bigger than mine and I'm fine with that.

Please just be consistent.

Take the President for example. Ok so Abortion and euthanasia are evil, but the death penalty is just fine. (Now don't get confused, I support all of the above). Ok, so God says it's ok to be selective about whom you kill, got it. 

Now there's the whole science thing with Bush. Last week he announced his brilliant plan to combat Bird Flu (don't get me started on what a crock of shit that whole bird flu scare is). He mentions science 20 damn times or so in his wonderfully delivered speech. Ok, so what happen to science on global warming or homosexuality, or how about evolution?

Oh, I get it, it's Selective Science, believe only what you need to when you need to. This wouldn't have anything to do with that whole leak investigation stuff would it?

I'm not one of these Bush haters. Hate is a strong word, I've never even met the guy, I can't Hate him. I reserve that word hate for people like Jerry Falwell, Dr. Laura or Barney the Dinosaur, no I haven't met them either, (although now that I recall, I did meet Barney once, and you'll be proud to know I gave him the bird),so I guess sometimes I just have to make an exception to the rule.     

Truth is, Georgey is probably an alright guy in real life. You know like that crazy guy in your neighborhood when you were a kid. Sure he was an alcoholic, talked to himself, and smelled like elephant shit, but he was so damn amusing; you couldn't help but let him go through your trash to look for aluminum cans.

So, I don't believe in his politics, in fact I'd bet he's screwed us over for decades. But I do admit I could be wrong. Who knows, in 10 years they could be opening up Disneyland Baghdad. Wouldn't it be great to see Mickey with a traditional headdress, oh or Goofy smoking a hookah! Of course the little mermaid would still have to cover herself, that damn slut.

 Give George a break, it's hard when your dad makes you do shit you don't want to do. Remember when you were a kid and your dad used to say things like, "Come on son, lets go do some manly shit together!" and the whole time you're thinking, "Damn, I just want to watch cartoons, eat Twinkies and diddle myself."

 Well think about how tough it was for Georgie, His Dad is all, "Look at me son, I was the fucking president, what have you done?" So then George has no choice but to do a bunch of shit he doesn't really want to. You know like, think and stuff. And this is where I really sympathize with W, that thinking thingie sure is hard.

If You are looking for a reason to hate Jerry Falwell

Currently listening : Different Strokes By Different Folks By Sly & The Family Stone Release date: 24 January, 2006

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Come and FEEL it
Current mood: touched
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

So my friend Vero recently blogged about being sick and she

usd the term "FEEL LIKE ASS" in relation to her health at the time    

I started to type a response and decided that my response was way out of

control and probably belonged on MY Blog instead, so with that in mind

(I know it's a pretty long premise for a lame joke, but come on, who's a bigger loser?

Me for writing it? Or you for reading it?)

Well call me old fashioned, but I don't want to be feeling no guy ass. Unless of course it's one of those he/she thingies, but I'd have to be unaware that there was a Hang-Low on board. Oh and really drunk and of course on many pills of various varieties.

But even then, if I found out that it was a She-Male’s ass I had felt, I probably would feel ripped off somehow, maybe even a bit dirty!

Plus, I know that Jesus wouldn't love me anymore, and that's a shame, cuz his restaurants are pretty damn good, I mean have you tried that Creamy Jalapeno Stuff? 

 I guess what I'm trying to say is I MAY BE GAY!!!!!! 

Well, I guess I'll have to stop by Best Buy and buy some Show-Tunes and maybe then I'll pull into Ross (yes, I “Dress for Less”) and get me some Hot Pants, cuz in case you did not know, I've got a Sweet Ass, and I can't wait to feel it!! 

Oh, and while you’re At it check out this site, it will help you kill some time

Currently listening : Extraordinary Machine By Fiona Apple Release date: 04 October, 2005

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GASOLINE, REFUGEES & BUSH!
Current mood: cynical

First of all they're not "REFUGEES"! You'd think the press would own a dictionary (I'll pause while you  run off to look it up).............................................................................. .......................................................................................SEE! I told you! Can we just call them "SURVIVORS"?

So, ten minutes after I post this I come across this story

2. How can you bitch about gas prices and then run out to top off your tank with two gallons "before the price goes up". DO YOU not realize that filling up when you don't need to is exactly what drives up the price. (Ok, why don't you take the time to put that dictionary back, and while you're there grab the encyclopedia an look up SUPPLY & DEMAND) Yes oil companies are evil and all that jazz, but you're not helping!

3. Yes, Kanye as you  so UN-smoothly put it, George Bush hates black people, although to be fair I don't think that Georgey knew that Cajuns could also be black.

BONUS: If you can track it down somewhere(like the Stern show), you have to hear the tape of Wolf Blitzer on CNN calling the "SURVIVORS" and I quote "So poor and so, BLACK."

Currently listening : Late Registration By Kanye West Release date: 30 August, 2005

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KICK-IN-THE-BALLS-LIST
Current mood: thirsty

In No Particular Order, I will add as I become Inspired

Tommy Lee, Dr. Laura, Bill O'Riley, Jay Leno, Micheal Moore, That "Can You Hear Me Now" Dude, Lance Armstrong (oh wait, make that ball), Janet Jackson, Jessica Simpson, Chris Martin, Cindy Sheehan, Paris Hilton,Donald Rumsfeld, Barbara Bush, Tucker Carlson, Jesse Jackson, .......

Currently listening : Arular By M.I.A. Release date: 17 May, 2005

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