My Dad's Latest Idea

Ahoy sailors,

My silence has been interrupted by my Dad's latest business plan. As some of you may know my Dad was famous for his business plan of yesteryear - bringing 20,000 pillcutters into the UK from China. No Mess, No Fuss. Simply cuts a pill in half without the danger of using a knife, teeth or other cutting implement. He sold 37, and is currently selling the remaining 19,963 on his website at the rate of one a week.

His lastest idea is a flower basket that splits into three so the flowers come out the bottom as well as the top. Creating a ball of flowery delight. He has had the product specially designed by special people. It will brighten up any garden and incite the envy of your neighbours.

Why not buy either of these products for a loved one. You can get them online from his website - www.drfostersppc.co.uk

They will arrive at your door, fresh from my Dad's garage on the Isle of Wight.

If you buy just one of his products I will become your friend forever. Please be generous so he can use his shed and garage again.

10:41 AM - 7 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Paramount Shorts

Hola Senoritas,

Our Paramount short clips are now online. Watch them and marvel at their beauty:

http://www.paramountcomedy.com/shortcuts/series.aspx?seriesID=15

Also if you like you can vote for us in the forthcoming chortle awards, and for Greg Davies as the best breakthrough act:

http://www.chortle.co.uk/news/2007/02/05/4985/and_the_chortle_nominees_are..

I love you all.

8:59 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Book

Today I received a very serious letter from the government. It regretly informed me that when I was 7 and tried to get my hamster and guinea pig to make love accompanied by erotic tunes played on my recorder, I had inadvertantly caused AIDS. I was wracked with guilt knowing I had spoilt many people's attempts to bum without fear of reprisal.

You can help me overcome the shame of my childish mistake by purchasing a book of comedians poetry and writing published all off the back of the delightful Simon Pearce. It also featues some of my early blogs from this site. Here are the details. Please buy it to help me claim back my place in heaven:

That Which is Not Said is wonderful poetry book published by Simon of Sunday Special. It features poetry from all sorts of excellent folk including Mark Watson, Russell Brand, Harry Hill, Arthur Smith, Stewart Lee, and many many more.... Click http:// www.lookatyou.info/taster.htm">here

9:18 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Coma

Today I emerged from a non self induced coma lasting over two months. There was a note sellotaped to my chest explaining my predicament. My nextdoor neighbour's estranged Dad had celebrated his return to the home by coming round and smashing my face in with a garden tool. Shit the bed.

I glanced into the mirror to assess the damage done by the spade wielder. The horror! That prick has truly turned me into a monster. As the tears began to spurt I remembered it was not a mirror but a picture of Simon Weston I had put on my wall to remind myself how lucky I was.

I went out into the kitchen to ask my Mum who had won the World Cup. Immediately I was struck by how odd everything looked, all the furniture was in a different place and the house didn't stink of piss. Suddenly a man appeared from the bathroom.

'Who the bastard are you!' he said.

'I live here. That's my bedroom.' I said pointing to my door.

'We bought this house a month ago, the woman who sold it said that was the airing cupbard, we never thought to check.'

'Well, where did she go?' I mumbled through the tears. This was worse than when my Mum forgot to pick me up from school just after a prolific paedophile moved into the local area.

The man paused, as if thinking the same thing, then said.

'She said she was going off to start a new life with that Man who got his face mashed in the Falklands.'

'Weston, you bastard!!!!!!!!' I screamed.

I ran into my bedroom and ripped his smug face off the wall. To think I had your scheming eyes watching over me during my coma. I'll get you Weston if it's the last thing I do.

9:05 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Revenge

Finally free after having spent nearly a month trapped in my bedroom forced to survive on just an old newspaper and my own urine. It turns out I wasn't locked in my room, the door handle was just a bit stiff. Next time I will remember to try it twice.

Good news, my plan for revenge on George was hatched and thought through seven times. I was going to get that little prick back. No-one embarasses me, not even my penis.

Donning my beard made from left over bath hair I headed for George's house, posing as his father what had left him years earlier to shag birds and so forth. Three knocks later George was at the door.

Me - Hello George I am your father what left some years earlier.

George - Shocked expression.

Me - I just popped by to say that the reason I deserted you for all these years is because you are a liar and a charlatan, and anyone who mascarades as a superhero and ends up pissing in people's cupboards is an arsehole.

George - Mum!

George's Mum - What the f**k are you doing on my doorstep with pubes all over your face.

Me - I am George's father.

George's Mum - Get the f**k away from my house you  f**king pervert.

Me - You're just angry coz I never loved you.

George - cries.

George's Mum - slams door in my face.

Mission accomplished.

4:15 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Not Spiderman

I woke up this morning to hear more peculiar sounds coming from the cupboard where I had kept Spiderman.

What the shit is going on I thought.

I opened it and a torrent of urine came flooding out. Spiderman was sitting there looking guilty, despite his mask having no discernable features.

This is not the behaviour of a superhero, I told him.

Then he told me that his name was George and he was six.

I warned him that impersonation is only two steps below murder, then sent the bastard packing. Tomorrow I will exact my revenge.

3:32 AM - 1 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Spiderman

Yesterday I had a big surprise. I went into the garden for a secret toilet. Who should I see, but Spiderman!

I was the third most excited I had ever been.

I crept back indoors to make a trap so I could keep him as my friend. 

I found my sister's old hair net. Luckily my sister had hydrocephalus, so it was big enough to hold seven people.

I ran back into the garden and threw it over Spiderman. Not even he could break through that web.

Spiderman is now in my cupboard, he is crying a bit. I feel embarassed for him.

2:31 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Cat

Today I accidently shot my new cat.

 I was very upset, as they are supposed to have nine lives.

I returned to the pet shop, to explain that this cat was clearly second hand and had been killed before.

Why would I want to buy a cat that I couldn't kill at least eight times? I screamed, and some spit came out.

The man refused to exchange my dead cat for a new one.

This man is an arsehole.

2:22 AM - 4 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Peter Smithson's Bike

I went round to Peter Smithson's house,  to see if I could have his bike as he was missing.

His Mum said no,  and that he was on holiday with his Dad.

Peter Smithson's parents are dicks, just like him.

1:36 PM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Peter Smithson

Peter Smithson has been missing for three days now.

7:16 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment