|
Friday, September 12, 2008
 |
What is Your Love Story? Pt.2
Category: Romance and Relationships
I found all 26 types of love stories!
You can go to this site to read more about it:
http://teachmetonight.blogspot.com/2007/09/sternberg-and-theory-of-love-as-story.html
When Sternberg says that "once we have a story—or, like many of us, a set of stories—we seek to live it out in reality" he doesn't mean that every individual will truly seek to live out the story in every detail, but rather that the expectations and power dynamics which underlie their love story/stories may inform that person's real-life choices and behaviours."
"It seems to me that there are widely varying ideas about what constitutes the ideal relationship, yet perhaps because, as Robert J. Sternberg found when he began to analyse people's ideas about love, each person "believed they were carrying around a set of rock-solid facts about what love is," there can be a comprehension gap between people who have different ideals. What one person considers ideal might seem boringly prosaic and lacking in passion to another, and the fantasies that turn the second person on might seem abhorrent or alien to the first person. In his theory of love as a story Sternberg describes stories as being crucial to shaping people's ideas about love and romantic relationships:
All of us are exposed to many different stories about love. They reach us through our own experience, as well as through literature, the media, and so forth. [...] Under the spell of the stories we absorb, we gradually form our own personal stories about love—models of how love is "supposed" to work. How we develop our own stories and what they turn out to be depends on our personality and our environment, but once we have a story—or, like many of us, a set of stories—we seek to live it out in reality. [...]
It seemed reasonable to suppose that people are more likely to succeed in a relationship with a partner whose story closely matches their own. [...] It didn't take long to discover that certain types of stories tend to dominate Americans' conceptions of love [...]. There's love as a cookbook, for example, where lovers build a relationship by following a "recipe," or love as a fantasy, complete with knight in shining armor, or love as a game or sport—26 stories in all." (Tufts Magazine)
Here are the stories:
..TR>
..TR>
|
Stories We Love By
1. Addiction. Partners show clinging behavior and anxiety about losing one another. In some relationships, one partner is a codependent, living off the other's addiction. (Heath Ledger and jake Gyllenhaal in Brokeback Mountain.)
2. Art. Partners are loved for their physical attractiveness. Typically, one partner is the admirer and the other is admired.
3. Business. A relationship is a business proposition. The partners are usually in the business together, but it is also possible for one partner to be "selling" himself or herself to the other. (Jennifer Hudson and Jamie Foxx, her manager, in Dreamgirls.)
4. Collection. Partners are viewed in a detached way, as fitting into some overall scheme. In most cases, one partner is the collector and the other is an object in his or her collection. (Michael Caine/Jude Law in Alfie.)
5. Cookbook. If you follow a succession of recipe-like steps, a relationship is sure to succeed. (Bill Murray and his countless attempts to "get it right" with Andie MacDowell in Groundhog Day.)
6. Fantasy. You expect to be saved by a knight in shining armor or marry a princess and live happily ever after. The knight or prince tends to serve the princess. (Good-hearted working girl Julia Roberts and super-rich Richard Gere in Pretty Woman.)
7. Game. Love is a game or sport. The two partners may both be players, or one may be unwittingly drawn into the other's game.
8. Gardening. Relationships must be constantly nurtured. If partners "water" their garden—tend to each other carefully—the relationship will succeed.
9. Government. (a) Autocratic. One partner dominates or even controls the other. (b) Democratic. Two partners share power equally.
10. History. Events in a relationship form an indelible record. Great importance is accorded to genealogies, family trees, photo albums, diaries, and the like—anything that puts the relationship into a historical context.
11. Horror. Terror makes relationships interesting. One partner terrorizes; the other is terrorized. (Diane Keaton toward her lovers in Looking for Mr. Goodbar.)
12. House and Home. The core of a relationship is the home, which merits more attention than one's partner does.
13. Humor. Love is funny and strange. One or both partners joke a lot about the relationship, even if they take it quite seriously. (Woody Allen and Diane Keaton in Annie Hall.)
14. Mystery. Love is a mystery. Typically, one person is the detective trying to unravel the mystery presented by the other.
15. Police. You need to keep your partner under surveillance to make sure he or she behaves, or your partner needs to keep you under surveillance. One partner is the police officer; the other, the suspect.
16. Pornography. Love is dirty, and to love is to degrade or be degraded. One partner typically views the other in pornographic terms.
17. Recovery. After the trauma of the past, you can get through practically anything. One person helps the other recover from a past event. (Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle.)
18. Religion. Either love is a set of feelings and activities dictated by religion or love itself is a religion. Either one person is the other's god or goddess, or both partners are supposed to defer to a higher power. (Anthony Hopkins as C.S. Lewis and Debra Winger as Joy Gresham in Shadowlands.)
19. Sacrifice. To love is to sacrifice one's own interests for those of one's partner. (Humphrey Bogart toward Ingrid Bergman, Ingrid Bergman toward Paul Henreid, in Casablanca.)
20. Science. Love can be understood, analyzed, and dissected, just like any other natural phenomenon. One partner is the scientist; the other, the studied object.
21. Science Fiction. One partner views the other as an alien—incomprehensible and very strange.
22. Sewing. Love is whatever you make it. Partners stitch away at the relationship, fashioning it according to their own particular design.
23. Theater. Love is scripted, with predictable acts, scenes, and lines. Both partners may be acting, but typically one partner puts on an act for the other. (Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf.)
24. Travel. Love is a journey. The two partners travel together through time and space, hoping to stay on the same path.
25. War. Love is a never-ending series of battles. The partners may both be willing combatants, or one may be unwilling. (Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert, tussling in It Happened One Night.)
26. Student-teacher. Love is a relationship between experienced and inexperienced parties. One partner teaches the other, although the roles may sometimes reverse. (Salma Hayek as artist Frida Kahlo and Alfred Molina as her mentor and lover Diego Rivera in Frida.)
|
|
..TABLE>
Have a beautiful weekend! There are a few movies coming out tomorrow that I want to see. You know where I'll be ;0)
Say a prayer for all the 911 families. Their hearts must be so heavy.
I so appreciate your time. Goodnight.
~M~
..ADDRESS> ..ADDRESS>
1:20 AM
-
6 Comments - 0 Kudos
- Add Comment
|
|
|
Thursday, September 11, 2008
|
What is Your Love Story?
Current mood:  curious
Category: Romance and Relationships
Thank you for taking the time to read my blogs. I really do appreciate the time, those of you who do read and comment. You're awesome.
Yesterday's blog was interesting. So interesting to me that I got to wondering after my post yesterday, does everyone have a love story to tell. My love stories could be a book of their own, just as I'm sure yours can :0) Maybe I'll share them one day....maybe ;0)
I got to thinking that maybe since we all create "quality worlds" for ourselves that maybe it's possible that we all create love stories for ourselves too. I believe that love and relationships are the driving force for all of us. Do our love stories dictate the outcome of our relationships?
Guess what! There is a theory behind it!!
I found it in one of my textbooks and so I looked up some of the research. Here is an interesting site:
http://psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=20000701-000035&page=1
I thought I'd see if anyone wanted to see and share their love story. Check it out. What is your love story?
Find Your Love Story
Rate each statement on a scale from 1 to 9, I meaning that it doesn't characterize your romantic relationships at all, 9 meaning that it describes them extremely well. Then average your scores for each story. In general, averaged scores of 7 to 9 are high, Indicating a strong attraction to a story, and 1 to 3 are low, indicating little or no interest in the story. Moderate scores of 4 to 6 Indicate some interest, but probably not enough to generate or keep a romantic interest. Next, evaluate your own love story. (There are 12 listed here; see the book for more.)
STORY 1
1. I enjoy making sacrifices for the sake of my partner.
2. I believe sacrifice is a key part of true love.
3. I often compromise my own comfort to satisfy my partner's needs.
Score: _____.
The sacrifice story can lead to happy relationships when both partners are content in the roles they are playing, particularly when they both make sacrifices. It is likely to cause friction when partners feel compelled to make sacrifices. Research suggests that relationships of all kinds are happiest when they are roughly equitable. The greatest risk in a sacrifice story is that the give-and-take will become too out of balance, with one partner always being the giver or receiver.
STORY 2
Officer:
1. I believe that you need to keep a close eye on your partner.
2. I believe it is foolish to trust your partner completely.
3. I would never trust my partner to work closely with a person of the opposite sex.
Score: _____.
Suspect:
1. My partner often calls me several times a day to ask exactly what I am doing.
2. My partner needs to know everything that I do.
3. My partner gets very upset if I don't let him or her know exactly where I have been.
Score: _____.
Police stories do not have very favorable prognoses because they can completely detach from reality. The police story may offer some people the feeling of being cared for. People who are very insecure relish the attention that they get as a "suspect," that they are unable to receive in any other way. But they can end up paying a steep price. As the plot thickens, the suspect first begins to lose freedom, then dignity, and then any kind of self-respect. Eventually, the person's mental and even physical well-being may be threatened.
STORY 3
1. I believe that, in a good relationship, partners change and grow together.
2. I believe love is a constant process of discovery and growth.
3. I believe that beginning a relationship is like starting a new journey that promises to be both exciting and challenging.
Score: _____.
Travel stories that last beyond a very short period of time generally have a favorable prognosis, because if the travelers can agree on a destination and path, they are already a long way toward success. If they can't, they often find out quite quickly that they want different things from the relationship and split up. Travel relationships tend to be dynamic and focus on the future. The greatest risk is that over time one or both partners will change the destination or path they desire. When people speak of growing apart, they often mean that the paths they wish to take are no longer the same. In such cases, the relationship is likely to become increasingly unhappy, or even dissolve completely.
STORY 4
Object:
1. The truth is that I don't mind being treated as a sex toy by my partner.
2. It is very important to me to gratify my partner's sexual desires and whims, even if people might view them as debasing.
3. I like it when my partner wants me to try new and unusual, and even painful, sexual techniques.
Score: _____.
Subject:
1. The most important thing to me in my relationship is for my partner to be an excellent sex toy, doing anything I desire.
2. I can never be happy with a partner who is not very adventurous in sex.
3. The truth is that I like a partner who feels like a sex object.
Score: _____.
There are no obvious advantages to the pornography story. The disadvantages are quite clear, however. First, the excitement people attain is through degradation of themselves and others. Second, the need to debase and be debased is likely to keep escalating. Third, once one adopts the story, it may be difficult to adopt another story. Fourth, the story can become physically as well as psychologically dangerous. And finally, no matter how one tries, it is difficult to turn the story into one that's good for psychological or physical well-being.
STORY 5
Terrorizer:
1. I often make sure that my partner knows that I am in charge, even if it makes him or her scared of me.
2. I actually find it exciting when I feel my partner is somewhat frightened of me.
3. I sometimes do things that scare my partner, because I think it is actually good for a relationship to have one partner slightly frightened of the other.
Score: _____.
Victim:
1. I believe it is somewhat exciting to be slightly scared of your partner.
2. I find it arousing when my partner creates a sense of fear in me.
3. I tend to end up with people who sometimes frighten me.
Score: _____.
The horror story probably is the least advantageous of the stories. To some, it may be exciting. But the forms of terror needed to sustain the excitement tend to get out of control and to put their participants, and even sometimes those around them, at both psychological and physical risk. Those who discover that they have this story or are in relationship that is enacting it would be well-advised to seek counseling, and perhaps even police protection.
STORY 6
Co-dependent:
1. I often end up with people who are facing a specific problem, and I find myself helping them get their life back in order.
2. I enjoy being involved in relationships in which my partner needs my help to get over some problem.
3. I often find myself with partners who need my help to recover from their past.
Score: _____.
Person in recovery:
1. I need someone who will help me recover from my painful past.
2. I believe that a relationship can save me from a life that is crumbling around me.
3. I need help getting over my past.
Score: _____.
The main advantage to the recovery story is that the co-dependent may really help the other partner to recover, so long as the other partner has genuinely made the decision to recover. Many of us know individuals who sought to reform their partners, only to experience total frustration when their partners made little or no effort to reform. At the same time, the co-dependent is someone who needs to feel he or she is helping someone, and gains this feeling of making a difference to someone through the relationship. The problem: Others can assist in recovery, but the decision to recover can only be made by the person in need of recovery. As a result, recovery stories can assist in, but not produce, actual recovery.
STORY 7
1. I believe a good relationship is attainable only if you spend time and energy to care for it, just as you tend a garden.
2. I believe relationships need to be nourished constantly to help weather the ups and downs of life.
3. I believe the secret to a successful relationship is the care that partners take of each other and of their love.
Score: _____.
The biggest advantage of a garden story is its recognition of the importance of nurture. No other story involves, this amount of care and attention. The biggest potential disadvantage is that a lack of spontaneity or boredom may develop. People in garden stories are not immune to the lure of extramarital relationships, for example, and may get involved in them to generate excitement, even if they still highly value their primary relationship. In getting involved in other relationships, however, they are putting the primary relationship at risk. Another potential disadvantage is that of smothering -- that the attention becomes too much. Just as one can overwater a flower, one can overattend a relationship. Sometimes it's best to let things be and allow nature to take its course.
STORY 8
1. I believe that close relationships are partnerships.
2. I believe that in a romantic relationship, just as in a job, both partners should perform their duties and responsibilities according to their "job description."
3. Whenever I consider having a relationship with someone, I always consider the financial implications of the relation ship as well.
Score: _____.
A business story has several potential advantages, not the least of which is that the bills are more likely to get paid than in other types of relationships. That's because someone is always minding the store. Another potential advantage is that the roles tend to be more dearly defined than in other relationships. The partners are also in a good position to "get ahead" in terms of whatever it is that they want. One potential disadvantage occurs if only one of the two partners sees their relationship as a business story. The other partner may quickly become bored and look for interest and excitement outside the marriage. The story can also turn sour if the distribution of authority does not satisfy one or both partners. If the partners cannot work out mutually compatible roles, they may find themselves spending a lot of time fighting for position. It is important to maintain the option of flexibility.
STORY 9
1. I think fairy tales about relationships can come true.
2. I do believe that there is someone out there for me who is my perfect match.
3. I like my relationships to be ones in which I view my partner as something like a prince or princess in days of yore.
Score: _____.
The fantasy story can be a powerful one. The individual may feel swept up in the emotion of the search for the perfect partner or of developing the perfect relationship with an existing partner. It is probably no coincidence that in literature most fantasy stories take place before or outside of marriage: Fantasies are hard to maintain when one has to pay the bills, pack the children off to school and resolve marital fights. To maintain the happy feeling of the fantasy, therefore, one has to ignore, to some extent, the mundane aspects of life. The potential disadvantages of the fantasy relationship are quite plain. The greatest is the possibility for disillusionment when one partner discovers that no one could fulfill the fantastic expectations that have been created. This can lead partners to feel dissatisfied with relationships that most others would view as quite successful If a couple can create a fantasy story based on realistic rather than idealistic ideals, they have the potential for success; if they want to be characters in a myth, chances are that's exactly what they'll get: a myth.
STORY 10
1. I think it is more interesting to argue than to compromise.
2. I think frequent arguments help bring conflictive issues into the open and keep the relationship healthy.
3. I actually like to fight with my partner.
Score: _____.
The war story is advantageous in a relationship only when both partners clearly share it and want the same thing. In these cases, threats of divorce and worse may be common, but neither partner would seriously dream of leaving: They're both having too much fun, in their own way. The major disadvantage, of course, is that the story often isn't shared, leading to intense and sustained conflict that can leave the partner without the war story feeling devastated much of the time. People can find themselves in a warring relationship without either of them having war as a preferred story. In such cases, the constant fighting may make both partners miserable. If the war continues in such a context, there is no joy in it for either partner.
STORY 11
Audience:
1. I like a partner who is willing to think about the funny side of our conflicts.
2. I think taking a relationship too seriously can spoil it; that's why I like partners who have a sense of humor.
3. I like a partner who makes me laugh whenever we are facing a tense situation in our relationship.
Score: _____.
Comedian:
1. I admit that I sometimes try to use humor to avoid facing a problem in my relationship.
2. I like to use humor when I have a conflict with my partner because I believe there is a humorous side to any conflict.
3. When I disagree with my partner, I often try to make a joke out of it.
Score: _____.
The humor story can have one enormous advantage: Most situations do have a lighter side, and people with this story are likely to see it. When things in a relationship become tense, sometimes nothing works better than a little humor, especially if it comes from within the relationship. Humor stories also allow relationships to be creative and dynamic. But the humor story also has some potential disadvantages. Probably the greatest one is the risk of using humor to deflect important issues: A serious conversation that needs to take place keeps getting put off with jokes. Humor can also be used to be cruel in a passive-aggressive way. When humor is used as a means of demeaning a person to protect the comedian from responsibility ("I was only joking"), a relationship is bound to be imperiled. Thus, moderate amounts are good for a relationship, but excessive amounts can be deleterious.
STORY 12
1. I think it is okay to have multiple partners who fulfill my different needs.
2. I sometimes like to think about how many people I could potentially date all at the same time.
3. I tend and like to have multiple intimate partners at once, each fulfilling somewhat different roles.
Score: _____.
There are a few advantages to a collection story. For one thing, the collector generally cares about the collectible's physical well-being, as appearance is much of what makes a collection shine. The collector also finds a way of meeting multiple needs. Usually those needs will be met in parallel -- by having several intimate relationships at the same time -- but a collector may also enter into serial monogamous relationships, where each successive relationship meets needs that the last relationship did not meet. In a society that values monogamy, collection stories work best if they do not become serious or if individuals in the collection are each viewed in different lights, such as friendship or intellectual stimulation. The disadvantages of this story become most obvious when people are trying to form serious relationships. The collector may find it difficult to establish intimacy, or anything approaching a complete relationship and commitment toward a single individual. Collections can also become expensive, time-consuming, and in some cases illegal (as when an individual enters into multiple marriages simultaneously).
Adapted from Love Is A Story
by Robert J. Sternberg. Ph.D.
Adapted by Ph.D.
Robert J. Sternberg is IBM Professor of Psychology and Education in the department of psychology at Yale University.
Psychology Today Magazine, Jul/Aug 2000
Last Reviewed 15 Jun 2005
Article ID: 221
Looks like another book to add to my library. I wonder how many more stories there are.
So, I again, thank you for taking the time. Have a peaceful day, my beautiful people.
~M~
 |
Currently
listening
:
Bold and Beautiful
By
Vikter Duplaix
Release date: 2006-09-19
|
2:02 AM
-
0 Comments - 0 Kudos
- Add Comment
|
|
|
|
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
|
What If...
Current mood: curious
Category: Romance and Relationships
How are we being, feeling, and doing, my beautiful friends?!
I'm down to my last two classes and comp exam on my goal towards my Master's Degree. I think these last two classes will be my most challenging because I have short timers attitude, lol. I best get over that though if I want to hold onto my 3.8, yeah ;0). That one B+! Damn!! (Hee-hee).
Other than that, I'm anxiously waiting for the Fall to arrive. If you know me, I'm not a fan of the Sun or heat. Autumn is my favorite time of year because I find it is the earth's most beautiful. The smells in the air alone, are intoxicating along with the visuals that are hypnotizing and seductive.
Anyways, just a little something on my mind. Go figure :0)
Do you ever sit and think to yourself, what if...?
I don't like what ifs because I feel that the only real moment we have is the one right here, right now. But, every now and then, what ifs go through my mind.
Like, what if Obama is elected? What if 911 never happened?
What if all our dreams came true? What if we all ended up with the ones of our true hearts desire? What if happily ever after existed in real life? What if...?
L~O~V~E
You know it consumes me.
What if you've held onto the fantasy of loving someone for over half your life all the while pretending to love another when you know deep down your heart belonged to that someone?
What if after accepting the fact that you would never see that someone who held the key to your heart again in this lifetime, but fate steps in and places that someone back in your path only just a click away?
What if fate would have it that you and that someone are now both divorced, both single, and both seemingly available with just the need to protect your children, your lifestyle choice, and have distance as obstacles?
What if you decide to hold it in, living in silent love while your heart screams out, I'm here! I want you! I need you! Can't you see you set the fire in my soul?! I'll keep you safe and warm! I'll take care of you! I'll fulfill your every need, if you give me the chance! Just say the words and I'm yours! Can't you see that I love you?! Just let me and I'll show you. I'm the one! With me you will become a better you. With me, love is true. With me, you'll never feel lonely; never will it be empty love. With me, never will you feel lost. With me, it's forever. With me, you will find enough. With me, you'll find life. With me you'll find laughter. I'll never hurt you, I promise. I'll be a your partner in the pursuit all your dreams. With me, you'll find inner peace. With me, everything will be okay. With me, you're enough. Within my heart, you'll find home.
Now, what if you had so much love to give and the one person who held your heart for what seems like forever, the one person you have chosen to receive that gift has gifted their love to someone else; basically they are wanting someone else the way you want them?
What do you do with feelings that you have but can't share?
What do you do when your heart, mind, and soul tell you with everything you are that this is the one (at least it feels that way)?
Do you tell yourself all sorts of things to try and let go, move on, dismiss it, deny it all the while something keeps drawing you back? Do you wonder to yourself...
What if you pursued it? What if you hint them to it? What if you just come out to them? What if you do tell them?
What if you just continue to long for that someone in secret because the risk of losing them all together, even as a friend, is too much to bare; the risk of rejection would hurt too much, so you decide that living in the fantasy is best because at least you have that?
What do you do? What can you do? What if it could never be? What if it could?
What if...?
See why I don't like what ifs :0)
Just my thoughts for the moment. Thanks so much for the time you give me. I so appreciate you. Don't have a what if day! ;0)
~M~
I'm heading home to get under the covers and flip channels. Look at this weather! That is what it calls for :0)
Have a beautiful day, my gorgeous friends!
 |
Currently
watching
:
Love Jones
Release date: 1999-07-27
|
2:02 PM
-
8 Comments - 4 Kudos
- Add Comment
|
|
|
|
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
|
Do You Even Know What You Really Want?
Category: Romance and Relationships
Good Morning you gorgeous and oh so busy human beings! How are we feeling, being, and doing these days?
Me and mine are focused on getting healthy. We are missing mommy something awful, but getting by with moments, and doing what is needed to thrive. Life now without her physical presence is so very different. Some days are easier than others. Bereavement is still going on. Love sustains us.
The world is too dangerous for anything but truth and too small for anything but love. ~William Sloane Coffin
So, I am on break from school and decided to take the time to blog since I have chosen to alot time for myself this week and now you too. Feeding my addiction to Myspace too ;0)
I am planning on writing a book and you know my thing is love; intimacy; relationships. When I move on to my doctorate, I'm pretty sure I'll be doing some sort of research/dissertation on the subject. Not really looking forward to another 4 years of school, but hey, forward progress, right? If I want that house by the beach, I do what I gotta do, ya dig :0)
Ideas always tend to pop up in my head while I'm sleeping and I wake up eager to jot them down, which is why I keep my "Book of Life" next to my bed. This is one of those thoughts:
What do people really deep down want? Why are they afraid of what they want? Why are people afraid to admit out loud what they really are thinking or what deep down they really want?
I know the answers to these questions, but they are just that...my answers. They are my truths and my truth may not be your truth. Hell! What is the truth? (lol).
I recall many times having intimate conversations with girlfriends about our relationships. We would sit and wonder why the men "in our life" at the time or in the past, were afraid to "commit". Why was it that we were the in meantime, in between time, and good for now girls and we let it be okay?
I believe that deep down we all have one person in our heads and hearts that we feel would be enough; the ideal (or damn near close); the no doubt; "the one", yada, yada. You get the gat ;0). If we don't, then that is sure as hell what we are searching for or at least holding out for. (You know you are :0)
I believe we have all been "in love" (or currently think we are ;0) and had our hearts broken at some point in our life. It was that "love" that set "the standard". We go through life trying to duplicate it or feel that same high. Yes, "love" is a high. Its been researched. When we feel we are "in love", our bodies go through physiological changes. I won't get all technical and stuff, but I'm sure you've felt it or are feeling it now as you read this :0)
"You were sent from heaven above"? WE create the person in our minds that we feel will fit the ultimate spot. We go watch television, movies, read books, watch our parents' relationships, other people's relationships, etc. Through these things we develop beliefs, views, ethics, morals, perceptions, perspectives, or whatever you want to call it. We create a "quality world" that is composed of all the things we feel would make us feel good or "happy". No one's "quality world" is like another's.
We open ourselves up to love and intimacy when we are ready. It may present itself, but we choose it, it doesn't choose us.
So, I think we get into relationships putting our best foot forward. We try to be everything we think the other person wants. They do the same. We go through life picking and choosing; experimenting and exploring. Eventually, we make choice (well, most of us do). We know no one is perfect (right?)
So, if there are some things that don't fit the bill, we either try to make them fit. We try to change them so they are "perfect" (whatever that means), and try to force the change so our needs (whatever they are) are met. If we can't, then we live a miserable existence living in empty hope. Yup, we are feeling "unhappy", feeling lonely, or feeling empty. Then that opens the door up to the possibility of those green pastures that most, if not all, have taken, physically or in fantasy. You feeling me? WE choose :0)
I believe with my whole heart that we need other people. We are not independent. We are interdependent. We need other people to survive. We need other people in order to not only survive, but to thrive. Without love and other people, we have nothing. We are nothing. We need "love" (remember, it's an action). We crave intimacy. We need deep down intimate relationships in our lives. We need at least one person in our life to know who we are to the deepest depths of our soul. We need at least one person who accepts every flawed part of us. We need that one person who can fulfill our physical, emotional, intellectual/social, and spiritual needs.
I may be speaking for myself, but I feel that we are all searching for that and we will not be fully satisfied in this lifetime until we have that. One sad thing about it is, is that some people are afraid to choose because they feel like they will make the wrong choice. Some people think they are going to miss out on something if they choose just one (thing or person, whatever it is that fits your fancy ;0). Some people want to "fit it" so bad that they choose what they think others would choose, even though deep down they want something else. Some people, like I said earlier, have this picture in their head or heart already which governs every choice (person, place, thing, thinking, feeling, action) they make.
Some people don't think she/he exists, so why try. Some turn to themselves and get bitter, angry, controlling, egotistic, narcassistic, psycho, depressed, suicidal, homocidal, criminal, anti-social, abusive, you name it, all in the need of satisfying their "quality world" ideation. Instant gratification is powerful. But people, no one is like you and you are not like anyone else. One thing that is surely universal is that we all need to be loved and we all want to feel good all the time. Most of the time by any means necessary (good or bad).
Fact is, I may not need love the way you need love. I may not show love the way you show love. There are different need levels too. We each have a level of (1)Survival needs, (2)Love, Sex & Belonging needs, (3) Power need (4) Fun/Recreation needs, and (5) Freedom. I may have a past blog about this. So, I won't elaborate.
But, these are only a touch of the "somes". You know your somes, don't you? Yeah, I know mine too ;0)
Enty who! Let me not get started (Feel my book forming already ;0).
So, gorgeous people (and you are in my eyes. There is nothing more beautiful in all its complexity, than the human body). I am curious as to what you REALLY WANT? What do you really want in a man or woman? What do you need? What do you desire? What is in your "quality world"? What is your deep down intimate truth? What do you want to hear a man or woman say, feel, or want them to do to give you what you need? What will make you "happy"? (Whether she or he is alive or just in your head :0)
You know, if the other person doesn't know what you need in order to be satisfied, fulfilled, feel good; if that other person doesn't know all your spots, all your dreams, goals, wants, needs, and desires....can you really wonder why you are not happy? No one will be truly happy until they have what...acceptence which leads to what...TRUE INTIMACY (it takes just one ;0).
And if you think happiness is in the material things (or even the booty or ti-tas. Thank goodness we can buy hair :0)...let me give you a hug right now, because it isn't. Bodies fall apart (unfortunately :0). Believe me, I am a visual and audial person too. I think we all are. We just have individual preferences. But, moving on ;0). Happiness doesn't reside in things or even other people.
The problem is not materialism as such. Rather it is the underlying assumption that full satisfaction can rise from gratifying the senses alone. ~The Dalai Lama
Material things are a temporary thing like our emotions and feelings. Material things rust, fall apart, break, etc. Emotions and feelings are temporary because they change with every thought or perception. They are not concrete, my friends. That is why you can't rely on them. It is all in actions (yours and theirs). That is why it is so important to live in the moment.
If you think about it, one moment we are feeling happy. A minute later we could be feeling sad. Why get all bent out shape during an argument? If you know that emotions and feelings are temporary, dig deep. Our thinking leads to feelings/emotions which lead to behavior (sometimes ineffective behavior). All anyone can do to us is give us information (even physical violence is information). What we choose to do with the information (or react) is our choice. Human beings can be resilient, I've learned.
The remedy to ineffective behaviors: Change what you want; change what you're doing; or change both and see what happens. We can't control anyone but ourselves. [Sorry, I got a little started :0)]
Ok, well, without going any further, these are my thoughts for the moment. Don't be scared to answer the questions or give your opinion. No one can't fault you for it because it is yours. Remember, your truth is yours and it matters. I for one care :0). What do you really want? Bring it deep. You write the script.
I thank you for all the time you give me. I so appreciate you. Until the next blog, have a beautiful week!
~M~
Oh! What I believe (and found out through clients) is that most people really don't know what they want and if they do, they don't tell anyone because they don't think they'll get it...
...or they think people will laugh at them, judge them, criticize them, and/or not like them. Some people would rather live in the fantasy of "it" their whole lives (dying inside, mind you) instead of even having the chance at the real thing. What would life be without risk? Fear can save, but it can also keep you from what your heart deserves and you from peace of mind.
If you judge people, you have no time to love them. ~Mother Teresa
Continuation of Intimacy VI: Feelings, coming up. Stayed tuned ;0)
One instant of total awareness is one instant of perfect freedom and enlightenment. ~Unknown
3:15 AM
-
6 Comments - 6 Kudos
- Add Comment
|
|
|
|
Monday, August 11, 2008
|
Intimacy VI Level 5: Feelings
Current mood:  contemplative
Category: Romance and Relationships
Hi Beautiful People!
It has been a minute :0)
Who thought of that? "Minute" (lol).
How are you being, feeling, and doing these days? You know I have to ask :0)
Well, me, I am simply taking in life with a grain of salt. All I can muster is moments in the meantime in my delicate state of mind.
It's been 9 months after my Mom's death and I think it's kicking in. All these recent deaths in hollywood don't help matters. It is just a reality check that life is just too damn short, people. My heart is demanding freedom and acceptance. So, I'm abliging (think I spelled that right :0).
For a long time I've been feeling a need to get on with it. You know.....LIFE. It has been a deep need to get honest within and to start to truly live. For the past week though, it has been stronger than ever. So in my normal routine, I check my horoscope daily because you know I believe in all the metaphysical stuff. Low and behold.....Here is my recommended aspiration/inspiration/direction for the month. For Pisces (that's me :0):
The Power Within: There is a deep force rumbling inside you. It could be passion, it could be fear. The key is to face the danger, to gather your powers and apply them in the most vital areas of your life. You can in fact, gain ground by cutting out what you no longer need. It is nice to be polite, but not if it costs you the chance to be all you can be. You're ready for change from the bottom up. Cleaning up, cleaning out, and clearing your plate are a great for opening the way. Focus your intensity on the issues that really count rather than repressing anger or spending your energy on inconsequential matters.
That's what that feeling is!! So, that is my focus for the moment, along with this being my last week of classes before I get a break, yay :0). Thinking of heading to the beach...
Anyways, I've decided to add to my intimacy blog. I've got the time and it's definitely not a waste if I know that it is helping someone. I can only hope that it is.
In my last blogs I've touched on the first 4 levels of intimacy and the 4 aspects.
A recap: 4 aspects/areas are the Physical, Emotional, Intellectual (or Social), and Spiritual. The 7 levels within are (1) cliches, (2)facts, (3) opinions, (4) hopes & dreams, (5) feelings, (6) fears-faults-failures, and last is (7) legitamate needs. It states:
The facts of our lives say something about who we are. Our opinions say something about how we have responded to the facts of our lives. Our hopes and dreams say something about how we want to live our lives and the persons we are striving to become.
Each of these reveals something about us, and to the extent that we reveal ourselvs we become vulnerable. Our feelings are the raw emotional nerve endings that very often reveal our brokenness, our humanity, our need to be heard, listened to, and loved. The revelation of our feelings makes us extremely vulnerable.
The challenge of the 2nd level is, Are you willing to move beyond the cliche and say something about yourself? The challenge of the 3rd level is, Are you willing to reveal your opinions and offer the gift of acceptance to those with opinions different from your own? The challenge of the 4th level is, Are you willing to set aside instant gratification in order to build a future together?
The challenge of the 5th level is, Are you willing to make yourself vulnerable? If you are not willing to let your guard down, take your mask off, make yourself vulnerable, and tell your significant other how you really feel, then you will not have intimacy. At every point in the journey to deeper and deeper levels of intimacy, a price must be paid. The 5th level asks of us is that we make ourselves vulnerable.
This blog is about the 5th level of intimacy: Feelings.
Feelings are defined as "emotional reactions" and we have thousands of them every day. What was your last emotional reaction? What are you feeling at this very moment? Some feelings come and some go and we pay very little, if any, attention to them. Other feelings have st | | |
grateful