Jammie

What can I say about my wonderful daughter that I have not already said.  It is now a year ago that she left this land of ours to wander around the cosmos, just checking things out.  I got the phone call about 1:30 from a State trooper saying that she had been killed in a car accident on 71 headed south to pick the boys up.

Well I did the only thing I could think of to do, and that was to go to store and pick somethings up that we would need.  Groceries, diapers, drinks, etc.  At the store I ran into Danny Wilder, whom noticed that something was wrong.  I told him that Jammie had been killed and that I was a bit messed up, not knowing what to do.  We talked a bit more, then I had to go back to the house and try to figure out what to do next.  I was so lost in my grief and sudden fear of the future.   How would I take care of these boys?  What was I supposed to do now?  My life had become centered around Jammie and the boys and now she was gone.

Well I am not sure how the word got out to so many people, I know I called Blue, my longest time friend, in Shreveport, I also called Jennifer and Marty I knew they would be of help with Timothy and William and that the boys liked them.

Next thing I knew my phone was ringing off the hook and people started showing up at my door with everything I could possibly need for myself and the boys.  So many people stopped their lives to help us, I was so overwhelmeds with the generosity and kindness that everyone showed I did not know what to say or do.

Blue and Jennifer helped me so much in the following days, I will never be able to tell them how very important and special they are to me and remain so to this day.

Blue stayed over and helped take care of the boys.  

 Jennifer took care of Timothy after school and both helped me make arrangemnts for the services for Jammie.  I know without either one of these friends I would have been so very very lost. Jennifer kept Timothy til he was out of school sometime in May, She and Marty also kept the boys so that I could have a bit of time off.  To both of them I will never forget all that they did. 

 Kerry, came over that day and we started to talk after a 4 plus year seperation.  She proved herself to be a loyal friend.  We had both gone our seperate ways, but Kerry knew and loved the boys and wanted to be of any help she could be. My sister Brenda came down and stayed over a month with us, I was not always that easy to get along with,  and to her I will always remain grateful.  She would hold both boys and read to them making sure they were getting the female comfort that no man can ever give.  After things started to settle down, Kerry and Cassie came over to check on the boys, many times to make sure they and I were doing ok.  Well Kerry had an accident at her farm breaking a collar bone so she had time to visit.

In August Kerry, started keeping Timothy after school, Here he was a new school, new living situation and a mean old papa.   I would leave work and pick Timothy up,  I kept William with me as I just wanted him to know that he had not been abandoned.  In November Kerry and I could no longer deny thwe feelings we had for each other so we agreed to start maybe dating. 

The boys loved it, Well, Through some pretty hard times Kerry and the boys are still with me.  I know that I made the right decision as far as Kerry and the boys went.  We are not quite the Leave it to Beaver house hold but we are doing pretty good. 

Timothy and William both love Kerry and she teaches them so much everyday about farm life and loving critters. 

Me I am not the same, I am a better man in some ways, but broken in others.  Thank God to friends I am healing up.

I know that to get two boys dropped in your lap is a bit of a shock. 

Over the past year I have drawn back a bit from almost everyone, but then I have these boys to take care of.  It has been a major life change.

To everyone that has shown care and concern I thank you.  Jerry Beach, Bobby Black, Chad, Susan, Jennifer, Marty, Kerry,Robin, To Miss Davis Timothy's teacher, and everyone else thank you. 

Jammie knows and I know that these boys are loved and wanted. I miss her so much and I figure the best way to honor her is to give these boys a good home.

Jammies page is still open and if ya want to drop her a memorial hello it would be fine by me.  I will be sure the boys see it.

Love to all

Mark

11:55 AM - 6 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Trimming the Christmas tree. Biker style

Christmas tree.  I have not had one in years, well it seems that the boys kinda expect one.  Got some pines in the back so one of them have to die.
Biggest Christmas tree fuck up I ever did was well many many years ago I got the biggest thickest tree I could find.  Got it into the living room and there was no room left for anything else.  Time to chop the tree,  being I do have a lazy streak I thought hhhmmm  wonder how that new fangled string trimmer would work.  Well it worked just fine, the tree was a perfect cone.  I was one proud mofo.  huh until my wife came in and said the standard WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.  This translates into Honey I think we have a slight problem.

Green specs were over everything. everyone of them needles left a mark where ever they hit.  Green spots on the walls, ceiling. Needles were embeded into the furniture, carpet, everywhere.

Well I now belive in smaller trees, and no longer use the string trimmer.

For you young ones, power trimmers used to have metal blades.

1:54 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Don’t shove a battery up my butt and call me BOB

This is a rude and crude post so beware.

It was rud..ely brought to my attention the other night that many women seem to enjoy their Bob's.  I for one cannot understand the inordinate affection for these Bobs.  It seems a little unnatural that Bob has all the supposed sexual prowess, always ready to stand up and meet a womans needs?

I seem to doubt this somehow, as my limited expierence has led me to believe most women want to talk, be held, cuddled, and courted.  They want wild abandonment at night and respect in the morning. 

 Does Bob fill any of these needs?  I wonder?

1:53 PM - 6 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

Killed a pig Saturday night.

Saturday night loaded the boys on the bike, 9 year old behind me and the 2 yr 10 month in the hack.

As we head out to the road the 2 year old just starts raising hell crying and sreaming no motorcycle, take the truck.

Well I go back to the house and get the kids in the truck as I want riding the bike to be fun.
William settles right down and is happy.

Timothy the big brother is saying how weird it was of William to pitch a fit, he loves the sidecar.
I agree but hell he was way to upset to keep him in the sidecar.
We went to town did supper, then went to my old club to check it out,  Went to wal-mart loaded up on grub then headed to the farm.
Fifteen miles out of town I see a herd of pigs all over the road.  I hit the sow and a baby.
I turned around to see if she had gotten off the road but she was layed out in the middle of the north bound lane.

If we had been on the bike we would have had a hurtin for certain put on us.

Glad I listend to the little guy.

10:13 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

I am just mad as hell sometimes

You know education and deep persoanl knowledge has nothing to do with emotions.

Emotions those  nasty little things that twist up every logical mans mind are playing hell with me as of late.

I am at times so mad, at Jammies death, I don't know which way to turn or who to lash out at.  I know there is not anyone responsible to lash out at, but I don't care.  I want to just totally hurt someone and make them pay for the loss of Jammie.

I used to be PAPA the guy that the boys loved to hang with because I was fun.

We would streatch the envelope on the rules, have Ice Cream for breakfast,  Eggs and bacon for supper.  Who cared?  I would take Timothy and William and put the on my old mare.  Who also died.  We would play and have fun do the PAPAand grandkid thing, be the cool guy then send them home to Jammie.  Quite often I would get a mild scolding for spoiling the boys.  What did I care.  She was the boss lady, mom the rule enforcer.  Not Me. 

Well that is all gone now.  I am no longer Fun PAPA, I am the rule enforcer, the teacher of right and wrong, the diciplinarian, I want everyone to know that this just sucks.  I liked my role of clown and fun PAPA.

I get mad at Jammie for not returning the calls, I no longer make.  I get mad at Jammie, when my older sister wants to make holiday plans with me and the boys, and Jammie is not here to consult with.  I get mad at Jammie because of the huge hole in my heart, the tears that come unbidden to my eyes.

Last week, William saw a picture of Jammie on my computer, He said "thats my mama".  I said yes, thats your mama.  He asked for a picture so I printed it out.  My friend Jim was standing by my desk when I printed the picture, and gave it to William.  William took the picture looked at it real close, said thats my mama.  He then wadded up the picture and said mama gone, and through it in my trashcan, oh out of the mouth of a child only two years nine months old.  The tears crept into my eyes.  Jim walked away sensing my feelings of loss and pain.

A few minutes later William got the picture out of the trash, smoothed it out and said I want my mama.  He then took his picture and walked out of my office.  Jim came back and said "Mark just feel your feelings they are neither right or wrong", they are your feelings.

I was mad at Jammie again.  Why, what, how come. what if. none of it matters.  Jammie is gone, my heart is broken.  I ty and try to allow the spiritual side take over and be at one with the world, but sometimes I am just lockwired into pissed off.

I get mad at myself for not being able to let go.  I try, but it seems that I miss her more each day that passes.  I no longer have her to help me, and Jammie was a big help to me. 

I know that anger is a normal phase of grieving, but that knowledge seems rather useless at this point.  what I want to do is seriously tear someones ass up,  one of the ass kicking eye gouging, choking, nut kneeing, ear chewing, eyebrow biting free for alls, that hurt for a week after you are done, brawls.  But we all know ya can't do that shit no more without some ass suing you.

Jammie was more to me than a sperm deposit, she was the light of my heart, the one person that I trusted with every bit of my heart and soul.  No one knew to the depths of my soul how much I loved her.  I knew she was not perfect, but for me she was my future, Few people ever knew how much I suffered the years we were apart.  The Christmases I silently cried myself to sleep, wondering if she was happy and ok. the birthdays, the Easters,  Fourth of July's and when I found her, all that pain went away.  NOW  that pain,  it is back with a vengence.  I know that this time there will not be getting good enough and rich enough to hire the private eys  to find her.  OH that pisses me off so.

Oh Jammie you really messed up this time and I can not fix it.

  I feel so powerless, as I try to raise the boys.

I am PAPA I can fix anything, but this.  OH Jammie I miss you so much.

and I am so so mad.

10:41 AM - 8 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

516soundstage is now owned by Susan and Bobby

I have made the decision to retire from 516soundstage.  Bobby Black and Susan Carroll are the new owners.  I need to concentrate my energies on raising the boys.  I have had my fun, met great people, and now my time is over with 516soundstage.  I will still be around, just not as much.  I have great sadness about this decision, but my priorities have changed.  Raising the boys is much more important than anything else in my life.

I want to thank everyone that traveled this road with me, we had highs we had lows, but overall it was a great time. 

516soundstage often immitated but never duplicated.

After Oct 516soundstage will be 18 and up.

9:47 AM - 9 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Lost in the ozones captured by grief

My major life change is now about four months old.  Grief still sneaks up and catches me by total surprise.  I will be going down the road, or sitting at my desk talking to someone, when the air is snatched from my lungs, my throat closes , and unbidden tears fill my eyes.   The boys are a constant source of reality check, and in their own ways comfort.  I know that all is right in God's world and that the reality is that nothing again or no one will ever hurt my little girl.  But I so miss her.  The weekends are filled with the boys, but I know they miss their mama.  This weekend wqas filled with 4H and going to the Drag Races.  The boys seemed to have fun, but I knew timothy was missing his mom.  He acts out so sideways when he is missing his mom.  He teases his little brother, and starts to tell silly little lies.

Me, I turn inside and seem to withdraw more and more.  I must turn this around as I know it is not good for me or the boys.

I feel so protective wanting to shield them from anymore of lifes pain.  On the other hand I know I am to hard at times on Timothy.  Timothy needs so much attention, I am just afraid his little intellect is going to chew him up.

As I write this William comes up with a picture of his mother asking time after time is this my mommie, is this my mommie.

10:17 PM - 12 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

been a bit busy

I have'nt blogged in awhile, just been doing all I can do to accept the facts of my life.  Well this parenting thing is not a walk in the park.  It has taken more energy than I knoew I had.  A two and a half year old requires quite a bit of attention. A nine year old needs alot of love.

After getting the boys settled into their new home, I wondered what had happened to my old home.  Being basically a hermit in my own way for years, this has proven to be quite an undertaking.  I have had alot of help though, and without it I have no idea what I would have done.  Guess I would have just kept putting one foot in front of the other and perservered.

Timothy is now in school, he seems to like his new school.  He has a uniform to wear so getting dressed is fairly simple, not alot of dicisions to be made.

William is my constant companion, we seem to get along most days, although occasionally he seems to want to test the envelope as far as my patience goes. 

The problem with William is that he is a natural athelete and smart as a whip.  He also does cute better than I ever could.  He acts up, I put him in the corner, time out thing.  I then ask him,"William are you going to poke the bunny any more?"  Yes PaPa.  Go back to the corner!  ok PaPa.  William are you going to poke the bunny anymore.  Yes Papa, ok back to the corner.  After a couple more times he will give a big sigh and say no Papa.  The about thirty minutes later I catch him taking the bunny out of its cage.  William are you supposed to take the bunny out of the cage.  Papa I did not poke the bunny!!!!!.

Well now he has me bamboozeld because he is correct.  The last thing I told him was to not poke the bunny, and by gosh he is not poking the bunny.

Well,  William got a bit of a break from PaPa, he went to his Granny's house for a week while Timothy and I rode the motorcycle to Sturgis S. Dakota.  First we took a 700 hundred mile detour to visit a sweet lady in Tenneesse, then we headed north up to Illinoise, where we discoverd the 60 foot statue of Superman and the Superman mueseum.  Timothy was a great rider, no complaints at all.  People were amazed that he rode the entire way, about 4000 miles.

Me I knew he would hang in there.  He has been riding on the back of my bike since he was 2 and a half.  Sandwiched inbetween his mother and me.  I rigged up a seat belt and he was good to go.  When we would pass a semi he would do the old pull the rope thing and damn they all honked for that boy.  I am so proud of him.  The entire trip he was great.

1:20 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

super man

If your riding partner is 9 yrs old you get to find out all the cool places.  Like Metropilis (sp)Illinoise (sp) Yup it exist and they have a Superman museum and a giant statue of Superman in front of the court house.  I am too tired to look up correct spellings

8:03 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

So you want to be an OUTLAW

The group of young people in Shreveport have touched my heart.  I have watched several of the young people age, dare I say grow up?  Anyways, these young people feel they have the right to free assembly and free speech?  Do they, how would I know?

  I can tell ya from my experience that freedom is not cheap and our rights must be carefully taken care of, to insure we do not surrender them for delusions of security.

Do we have the right to freely assemble?  Only if you belong to certain politically acceptable groups.  If you protect your right to assemble and fight for your right to assemble, will you fight for the right of assembly for all?  the Muslums, the Black Panthers, the Hells Angels, The Klu Klux Klan, the Christians, the Pagans, everyone?   Will you die for their right to assemble?  If not take, your place in the hypocrite line.

Every man and woman in the military has taken a vow to protect your rights, and they die everyday for your rights.

Does the police have the right to break up an assembly based on the fact that the assembly does not have permits to occupy the public space they are using?  Do the public use areas, truly belong to the public for any usage they want?  Does the public need to pay fees for what their tax dollars bought?

What is considered public space? Public space, is it for all public usage unregulated?  Yes?  So you don't have an objection to my using your park for my dump?  Assinine you say, why I have my rights, correct.

Is ok for me to take electricity from public places without compensating for the electricity?  After all it is the foolish people that built the public place with tax dollars that also put in the electrical outlets.  Right. 

 Besides when I steal electricity from a public place I am not stealing from just one person, I am stealing from all.  That way no one person gets hurt, right.

  The same mentality of  corrupt public officials, and corporations the are involved in stock frauds.  Yeah as the people that lost life savings as well as their retirement.

Back to free speech, free speech is not free either, it has been paid for with the life and blood of many soldier.  Do I have the right to use my powers of speech anytime and anyplace?  Sure,  as long as you do not violate the rights of others.

11:14 AM - 1 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment