MARSIPAN NEWSLETTER 13th JUNE 2007
Current mood: restless
Category: Blogging

MARSIPAN NEWSLETTER 13th JUNE, 2007
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WHAT'S NEW?
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Wowsers Trousers! It's a whole new episode!

Watch it!

MISSION STRIKER 01


FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S WELCOME
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Dear All,

Chris de Burgh once sang a beautiful, heart-rending song about a 'Lady in Red'. She was amazing. And he rhymed 'dance' and 'romance' like no one has before or since. I cannot be the only person to have thought at the time that Mr de Burgh had caught the essence of the indescribable in that song, he had managed to crystallise pure love, and transcribe it in three verses with chorus and a middle eight.

I thought that that was the pinnacle of the songwriting art. I was wrong.

You can keep your William Shakespeares, your John Keatses and your Chesney Hawkes. To my mind, only one man has ever come close to portraying the glory of love in verse. That man is Sting.

With his honesty: "Every move you make, every breath you take, I'll be watching you" and his elfin good looks, Gordon Sumner taught us how to love. He showed us that true love involved following people around, and watching them from behind newspapers as they met up with their so-called 'new boyfriends' or 'dates' or 'husbands'. He taught us that there is no shame in waiting in a bus stop for 19 hours until your loved one emerges from the scene of their shame to get the bus back to their house in the morning. He taught us how to fit out our basements so they would have everything they need down there.

Good old Sting.

Yours,

Barnaby Bottomley

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A WORD FROM OUR CORPORATE SPONSORS


Some sectors of the press would have you believe that all large corporate entities are nothing more than sources of unimaginable evil. This is simply not the case. We also make training shoes, and electronic toys.

We would expect this sort of leftist enterprise-bashing from the state-owned monolith that is the BBC. After all, what more does one want from the corporation that puts out such Stalinist propaganda as Panorama, Newsnight and A Question of Sport?

No, it's much more worrying that previously sound institutions like The Economist, the Financial Times and Rotarian Monthly have started printing pieces in which they support socialist nonsense like libraries, and roads.

These are worrying times, so we have declared June to be Corporate Month, to raise awareness of the hundreds of difficult issues that face executive board members every day. Did you know that every four seconds a profit, somewhere in the world, is lost due to avoidable lack of marketing? One every four seconds. That's four every sixteen seconds. And you could help.

Little Ntembe walks 27 miles every morning to get water for her family. If she would just agree to work at her local aluminium smelting plant like the rest of the nine-year-olds then she wouldn't have to do this. Just 14 hours' work could make her enough money to feed herself. Almost.

To donate money to this and other corporate causes, stay tuned during Corporate Month!
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ASK THE PROFESSOR
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Dear Professor Colander,

I have heard that the European Space Agency are either going to upgrade or scrap their ExoMars project for a Mars Rover in 2012

Yours,

Sandy Heudonym

Dear Sandy,

Of course the Europeans cannot agree on the specifications for their Rover, and this is just one reason why our efforts will always overshadow those of our continental cousins.

The French, obviously want the Rover to be equipped to lay out empty fields, and then collect EU subsidies for the extra arable space on Mars. The fact that they also want it to be fitted with a special 'collaborate' mode, in case it encounters anything hostile has led to many of the problems.

The German engineering on the Rover is excellent, but their insistence on draining the huge Lager Lakes on Mars' northern plains has proved to be a sticking point.

The Italians would rather just steal a Rover than develop one, the Spanish are too busy sleeping all day, and the Scandinavian countries are too depressed and drunk to do anything about it.

No, this is yet another example of where British grit and consistency will win out over all. Just like at Agincourt, Crecy and Dunkirk.

Yours,

Professor Colander
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FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S POEM OF THE WEEK (ISH)
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You've taken up residence in my heart.
You are an uninvited boarder.
But what makes it much, much worse
Is this Restraining Order.
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6:30 AM - 1 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

MARSIPAN NEWSLETTER 4th May 2007
Current mood: jealous
Category: Blogging

MARSIPAN NEWSLETTER FRIDAY 4th MAY, 2007
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BREAKING NEWS FROM THE BRITISH MARS EXPLORATION PROGRAMME
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FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S WELCOME
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Dear All,

You may have read a few months ago about the astronaut in Florida who drove hundreds of miles in a nappy just to assault her ex-boyfriend. Many of you have expressed concern that this sort of obsessive behaviour might be prevalent amongst astronauts. Some of you have even gone so far as to suggest that the desire to strap yourself into a small capsule on top of many tonnes of high explosives before lighting them to catapult you into isolation outside the atmosphere of the planet on which you live might be indicative of a slightly unbalanced state of mind.

Well, if wanting poo-free trousers is mad, then I'm mad too!

On a long journey a nappy is the perfect answers to any question which ends with 'faeces'. Is it mad or just sensible to make elaborate preparations for a cross-continental assault journey? Is it mad to want a lover back? Is it mad to send them poems written in your own blood?

Is it?

Is it mad to keep your loved one's dead skin cells in a jar? Is it mad to hit yourself in the face with a steam iron, repeatedly screaming the word 'Stupid!'? Is it mad to cry over 'Cash In The Attic'?

According to my psychiatrist, it is.

Yours,

Barnaby Bottomley


WHAT'S NEW?
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Excellent! It's a brand new pubcast.

What will Professor Colander be talking about today? There's only one way to find out.

Sort of.

PUBCAST 05


A WORD FROM OUR CORPORATE SPONSORS
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Given that half term is rapidly approaching, we here in the corporate section would like to offer you the following tips on keeping your children amused:

Buy them a Playstation 3.
Sticks from nearby woodland can be used to build a treehouse. If you really want your child playing with a toy which hasn't been subjected to strict quality and safety guidelines.
Send them to our new nursery where they will learn essential skills, like footwear manufacture, how to do really small stitches and how to make many of the toys they love so much.


ASK THE PROFESSOR
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Dear Professor Colander,

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Yours,

Reginald Spoot

Dear Reginald,

Those aren't birds, those are my wife!

Seriously, though, one of them may be my wife. After a horrific gardening accident almost twenty years ago, my poor wife, Gwladys, was turned into a crow.

When I say 'was turned into a crow' I should add 'by me' although I should also add 'in the interests of science.' And the experiment worked. Had it not, the technology behind Pop-Tarts could never have been developed.

Since then I carry birdseed wherever I go, in the hopes of enticing her back to our house, so that we can have sex again.

How do I feel about my wife being turned into a crow?

Raven mad.

Yours,

Professor Colander


FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S POEM OF THE WEEK (ISH)
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There once was a woman from Saturn
With a bum so large it could flatten
A car with its size,
A dog with her thighs
Or the whole of Northampton, the slattern!

(There. Told you I was over her.)

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12:04 AM - 2 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

MARSIPAN NEWSLETTER TUESDAY 17th APRIL, 2007
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Blogging

BREAKING NEWS FROM THE BRITISH MARS EXPLORATION PROGRAMME
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www.marsipan.co.uk

FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S WELCOME
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Dear All,

I'm a man of many hobbies. I'm a hobbyist. It keeps my mind out of
the dark cupboards of the soul. Stamp collecting, that's a good one.
Stamp collecting, walking on the fells, and popular music. Oh yes, I
like popular music.

I believe that it was Mr Midge Ure who first said: This means nothing
to me. Oh, Vienna! And who knew then how right he would turn out to
be?

And who can forget Paul McCartney's imprecation, that, If this
ever-changing world in which we live in makes you give in and cry,
live and let die... I'm doing just that. I'm letting all those seal
cubs die, Paul, so there! Band on the run? You will be! When I'm
king, you will be...

That song, of course, was covered by Axl Rose, whose name is an
anagram of Oxl Arse. Guns N Roses new album is expected out later
this year, and I for one, cannot imagine that, after 13 years in
production, it will be anything less than spectacular.

Yes, music is balm for the soul, it stops us worrying about things we
can't change: our cosmic insignificance, the fact that we're alone in
the solar system, what we're going to do to Patrick Moore when we get
our hands on him...

Yours,

Barnaby Bottomley
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WHAT'S NEW(ISH)?
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Mission Penetrator breaks through furthering interplanetary
relations. Exclusive uncensored footage if you haven't seen it yet...

Go on.

See?

Told you.
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ASK THE PROFESSOR
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Dear Professor Colander,

It saddens me that there has been so little concentration on my
favourite planet, Uranus. You're always going on about Mars, as if
it's something special, just because it's tilted at 28 degrees and
has an almost-breathable atmosphere. Let's face facts, it's nothing
compared to Uranus.

So, here are a few questions: what can we expect to find on Uranus?
Is Uranus big enough to contain intelligent life? Why do you always
neglect Uranus?

Yours,

Bumflap McCrapper
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Dear Bumflap,

I know what you're doing. I know your game. Very funny. Ha ha. You're
a comic genius, a veritable Russ Abbott, Dick Emery or David Walliams.

I've heard more Uranus jokes than you've had hot dinners. In fact,
I'd go so far as to say that someone has inserted Uranus into almost
every hot dinner I've had. I can't walk down the street without
having -Uranus! - hurled at me by youths and old people and the
middle-aged.

Oh yes, we all love a good laugh at Uranus, but after thirty or forty
years of having to stare at Uranus day after day, it all gets a little
boring.

Quite honestly, Bumflap, I hope I never have to think about Uranus
ever again.

Yours,

Professor Colander
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FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S POEM OF THE WEEK (ISH)
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Space.

The Final Frontier.
Left ear, right ear, and final front ear.
That's how many ears Mr Spock has.

In the old
Joke.

Ha
Ha
Ha.

In Space, no one can hear you tell jokes.
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9:43 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

MARSIPAN NEWSLETTER TUESDAY 20TH MARCH, 2007
Current mood: horny
Category: Blogging

BREAKING NEWS FROM THE BRITISH MARS EXPLORATION PROGRAMME
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FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S WELCOME
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Not to worry, Fellow earthlings! I received a lot of very supportive letters after my last newsletter, and I'd like to thank you all for your kind words. Especially the ladies. Especially the lonely ladies. Especially the lonely ladies who leave their lights on and their curtains open as they get undressed, and pretend not to notice me, with my binoculars, on my roof.

You coyly remove each item, knowing I can see you. You playfully look shout at me, daring me onwards with the harsh words you know arouse me. You lower the blinds, knowing full well that I have brought an infrared adapter for my video camera and can still make you out by the heat you give off, and that I will lie in bed watching the video repeatedly until I fall asleep.

You naughty minx.

As I said. I'm much better this week. The doctor altered the dosage, and everything seems to be fine.

Yours,

Barnaby Bottomley
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WHAT'S NEW?
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Um, only a brand new mission to Mars. Mission: Penetrator will be burrowing its way into your consciousnesses on Tuesday 27th March.

Get it here.

Then.
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A WORD FROM OUR CORPORATE SPONSORS
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Now, corporations get a lot of bad press. People think we like nothing more than mincing kittens to use as fertiliser; making people work for pennies and destroying indigenous cultures.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

We like opera, too. And reading obituaries.

These people think that just because we use our wealth to secure beneficial deals with governments in terms of labour law, that we are in some way corrupt. Bribery is corrupt, giving money to a government in return for favours is 'investment'.

The truth is these people just don't understand trickle-down economics. It's a truth well-established in economic models that if we get wealthier, everyone gets wealthier. It's not our fault that reality often falls disappointingly short of those economic models. Blame reality, not us.

It works like this: imagine a pyramid of people. Now imagine the person at the top of the pyramid starts weeing. Wee splatters over the heads and shoulders of those below, getting in their eyes and up their noses as they breathe in. Pretty soon they begin to wee, too.

On and on it goes, further down the pyramid, until everyone is covered in lovely, lovely urine. Everyone except us, the dry ones at the very top.

That's trickle-down economics, and we hope that you feel a little less guilty about buying lots of lovely products in the future. You're not exploiting people in the third world, you're helping them to a better standard of living. Admittedly, not a standard you'd want for yourself, but they're different because they are a long way away.

There. That's better.
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ASK THE PROFESSOR
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Dear Professor Colander,

Who is the fairest of them all?

Yours,
Happabap Bappahap
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Dear Happabap,

I have to say that I think my mother, Jocelyn Colander, was a very fine-looking woman with stout thighs and a nose like a rotting strawberry. It was known around Menge that she could break a fully-grown man between her buttocks.

In her younger days, she was considered something of a beauty, and during the war she was placed on the beaches to repel the Hunnish invaders. She kept the West Country safe for the likes of you and me.

During the 1950s she was Miss Austerity for three years in a row, and her face adorned tins of processed pork until the early 1970s. She was a very sexual woman.

I've kept her room exactly as it was on the day she died. Except that I had to cut her down, the Council wouldn't let me leave her there.

Yours,

Professor Colander
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FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S POEM OF THE WEEK (ISH)
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Here's terza rima verse on outer space,
(A favourite of Dante's and of mine)
I think that Mars is my most favourite place.

Just thinking of it tingulates my spine,
I love its barren wastes and reddish rocks.
Unbreathable, its atmosphere is fine.

I love its sand, its mountains and its flocks
Of Martian geese, who honk at Martian voles.
A wormhole means it's also where lost socks
Can go to find their final resting holes.
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VISIT MARSIPAN MISSION CONTROL ROOM

10:56 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

MARSIPAN NEWSLETTER 7TH MARCH, 2007
Current mood: depressed
Category: Blogging

BREAKING NEW FROM THE BRITISH MARS EXPLORATION PROGRAMME
www.marsipan.co.uk
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FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S WELCOME
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These are worrying times, fellow Earthlings.

You can't walk the street of many of Britain's town centres at a
weekend without being picked up, drunk, and belched out again by a
roaming horde of young women, desperate for thrills and scratchcards.
British children are so miserable they can barely even muster up the
effort to smear the word 'WHY?' onto the walls of their schools in a
mixture of blood and faeces. And last weekend, the moon disappeared.

I'd like to say that there was a scientific explanation for all of
this, that there was some hope for mankind's future, but the truth is
clear.

The gods are angry, and the sooner global warming washes us all out
to the tepid Arctic Sea the better.

All this, and I've run out of anti-depressants. It's enough to make a
man weep...

Yours,

Barnaby Bottomley
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WHAT'S NEW
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Nothing, you greedy, greedy gannets.

If you think it's so easy, you try...

....and if you didn't see Professor Pillock Colander sing for his
supper and that of everyone
in the Control Room. Go and look at his latest PUBCAST.
PUBCAST 04

A WORD FROM OUR CORPORATE SPONSORS
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It has come to our attention that there was, the other day, a
marvellous example of the phenomenon known as a lunar eclipse. There
can have been no better time to gather one's family around one and
stand in the garden, marvelling at man's insignificance on the
universal scale.

They say that the best things in life are free. They are probably
students or socialists.

Ladies and gentlemen, there is no such thing as a free lunch (or,
sadly for us, a free launch). What you thought was a cosmic event,
laden with universal truths was, in fact, organised by us.

Yes, and now you owe us money. Just think of the excited glow on your
children's faces as they watched the magic of the heavens. Now,
imagine that replaced with a look of horror as the moon explodes into
a million football-sized pieces, each with the velocity to destroy a
town the size of Stevenage.

Because that's what could happen next time. If we decide that's what
will happen.

So, let's keep it all friendly, and send your payments of, what? Say
£500 per family to us through the donations page.

Don't ask us how we made the eclipse. Questions will be seen as
insubordination, and punished accordingly.

Just do it.

Because we'll smash your children if you don't.

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ASK THE PROFESSOR
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Dear Professor Colander,

I'm bored of Mars. When are you going to go somewhere exciting, like
Jupiter?

Yours,
Ocelot Humphreys

Dear Ocelot,

Not on my watch.

Mars is a veritable paradise of dry, dusty rock. It couldn't be drier
or dustier, and we expect to find vast reserves of Marmite under its
polar region.

The dry ice at its poles indicate a healthy cabaret scene; it has the
jaunty angle of a Nepalese sailor, fresh off the boat with his pockets
full of money, and his eye on a coy young lad from the West Country;
and Mars is monosyllabic, and therefore the time saved when
discussing missions will be equivalent to thirty years after just ten
probes.

Jupiter, on the other hand, is a fat and greedy gas giant, belching
its noxious fumes into the solar system, throwing out highly charged
dust particles in every direction, and leaving packets of Wotsits
tucked behind Neptune.

Jupiter, indeed!

Yours,

Professor Colander
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FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S POEM OF THE WEEK (ISH)
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I'm too miserable to write anything longer than a haiku:

Mars is way up there,
And I live in Basildon.
Time to end it all.

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2:43 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Marsipan Newsletter 28.02.07
Current mood: cheerful
Category: Blogging

MARSIPAN NEWSLETTER 28TH FEBRUARY, 2007
BREAKING NEWS FROM THE BRITISH MARS EXPLORATION PROGRAMME
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FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S WELCOME
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Hello, fellow Earthlings.

Often I sit alone in our Control Room after everyone has gone home. I
lie back and I gaze at certain files I have on my computer and ponder
the exciting mission we find ourselves on. Soon, unless the cleaner
comes in, I am overcome with great waves of joy as I contemplate the
wondrousness of the heavens.

Soon after that, I pull my trousers up and begin to feel shame.

I think the cleaner fancies me.

Yours,

Barnaby Bottomley
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WHAT'S NEW?
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There's a new pubcast.

Professor Pillock Colander sings for his supper. And that of everyone
in the Control Room. Go and look.

http://www.marsipan.co.uk/index2.php?pubcast=1


Yeah, thought you'd like that...
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A WORD FROM OUR CORPORATE SPONSORS
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You know what's making you unhappy? The fact that you don't have more
stuff. Marsipan Corporate encourage you to buy more stuff.

Ownership of stuff is what separates us from the monkeys. Except the
baboon, who is known for collecting shiny objects and Inspector Morse
on DVD. They just love its Oxford setting and John Thaw's grumpy old
detective.

Baboons hate The Sweeney.

If you're suffering from depression, have just had some bad news, or
are recently bereaved, why not try buying yourself some stuff?

There, that's better, isn't it?
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ASK THE PROFESSOR
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Dear Professor Colander,

What is your favourite real ale?

Yours,
Parsifal Jones
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Dear Parsifal,

I didn't get this way by playing favourites!

No, but seriously, I think that very little beats a warm, steaming
mug of Dumpy's Old Foot on a summer afternoon. I like nothing more
than to sit in the sun, watching cricket, hearing the slap of willow
on leather, drifting into a light doze where nanny is standing over
me, brandishing a slipper before awakening, confused and aroused, to
find everyone staring at me.

Others worthy of mention are: Thraxton's Michael, The Neverending
Pig, and Neasden Pride.

I have stopped drinking Aroused Bishop since I found out how it got
its name.

Yours,

Professor Colander
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FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S POEM OF THE WEEK (ISH)
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There once was a man in a rocket
So horny he lusted at sockets.
But his suit was airtight
And try as he might
He just couldn't reach through his pocket.
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9:17 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

FLIGHT DIRECTOR BOTTOMLEY'S BLOG 21.02.07
Category: Blogging

Teenage pregnancies on Mars set to soar after the expansion of the British controlled zone, predicts the Daily Mail.

OUR NEWSLETTER IS BACK! Yes, I know it's been a while,  so wait no longer, sit back and read it!

Oh, and subscribe for further updates at marsipan.co.uk
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MARSIPAN NEWSLETTER

Hello Fellow Earthlings!

You've probably noticed the absence of our newsletter for quite some
time. However we haven't vanished into the Martian deserts. On the
contrary, it's been a hive of activity at Mission Control! I had to
spend endless hours in the pub with Professor Colander redesigning
the British Mars Centre and Control Room to reach the highest
standards of space technology. Judge for yourself and visit the new
site if you haven't already done so:

www.marsipan.co.uk

Explore the Control Room and watch the new Mission videos and
Pubcasts. Our videos are free to share. Embed and spread across the
universe. Please do!

I know that you have nothing better to do. I do it myself - exploring
- the Internet. The pictures some girls put online are just shocking!
Where were we - ah yes, OUR LATEST
MISSION TO MARS:

Some of you may have been dismayed to see what looked like naked
violence emanating from our probes in the most recent footage they
sent back. Some of you may have been aroused. Whatever.

Anyway, justso that no one gets the wrong impression, we've got a word from ourcorporate sponsor, as well as lots of other exciting bits and pieces.
What are you waiting for? Read the rest!

Yours,

Barnaby Bottomley, Flight Director
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A WORD FROM OUR CORPORATE SPONSORS
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Now, about the problems we had on the last mission. It appears that
one of our probes may have been accidentally fitted with a large
machine gun and an oil well instead of scientific equipment.
Naturally, when it got there, finding itself without little silver
boxes for collecting Mars-dust. So, it did the only thing it could
do, and tried to use what it had instead. Unfortunately, that being
guns and oil drilling platforms, it may have looked at little like an
orgy of greed and violence.

But don't judge a book by its cover. Unless it's 'Mein Kampf'. You
can judge that one by its cover. Going back to the accident, it shows
that we are prepared to defend ourselves in order to spread
civilization and defend our values in every corner of the Galaxy.

ASK THE PROFESSOR
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Dear Professor Colander,

Shouldn't we sort out the problems on our own planet before trying to
get to another? Might we not just end up messing up two?

Yours,

Harvey Trestle
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Dear Harvey,

Well, Harvey, you may have a point there, after all......

FOLLOWING SECTION EDITED BY CORPORATE SPONSORS
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Dear Harvey,

No! Shut up! It is that sort of backsliding, socialist claptrap that
has led Britain to become a country of whinging, ASBO-ridden
scroungers, sponging off the state to buy more alcopops to throw up
in Yeovil town centre.If we'd thought like that a hundred years ago,
we would never have conquered the globe, a globe which thanks us to
this very day.

Not only that, but your argument is supremely selfish. Just think of
the poor, benighted Martian, sitting atop miles and miles of
unexploited natural resources, and even being made of some himself.
How will he ever get shopping centres, trainers and Celebrity
Ice-Dancing if we don't show him how to extract the minerals from his
landscape. And skin.

Don't the Martians deserve the life we have? Don't they deserve
crippling debt, Noel Edmonds and MRSA? It's quite simply: you have to
colonise two planets and exploit them of all their resources to get to
the third. And then the fourth... That's progress!

Yours,

Professor Pillock Colander
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FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S POEM OF THE WEEK (ISH)
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Some people doubt there's life on Mars
 But we keep on believing.
 Our scientists conceiving
Of ways to see those Martian cars,
To watch them die of Martian SARS
 And then their Martian grieving.
 The sight will be relieving.
It means I'm right, not NASA'a Lars.
 I wonder: how much does that twat earn.
 Convinced that we should look at Venus?
 He's got a lot of thought too heinous
 For me to tell. His favourite's Saturn.
 He's dumb! He cannot tell his penis
 Is very different from Uranus.

UPCOMING EVENTS
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**Tune in next Tuesday, 27th February, to watch Professor Colander's
new PUBCAST.

**MISSION PENETRATOR beams back the latest discoveries, Tuesday 13th March.

3:46 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Flight Director Bottomley's first Blog
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Blogging

As global warming continues, our thoughts must all turn to one thing: Mars! It is plain even to the meanest of fools that its polar icecaps, with their precious hoards of dry ice are vital to us to replace our own. As the British Mars Exploration Programme continues its expansion, subduing more of the solar system, we will find more, wetter, cooler planets to occupy as this one dries up.

Congratulations to our scientists who have provided another great boon to humanity with the side effects of their research. Yes, just like Teflon and hydrogen fuel cells our own research has managed to create its own triumph. New Coke Zero is made entirely from the scrapings of our astronauts bodily waste disposal systems. Good work, lads!

I've just been told that an alien (most probably Martian) landing site has been detected in the Deptford area of South London. The intruders are located at www.raw-nerve.co.uk and seem to be responsible for the revamping of Marsipan's cyber home which we like a lot.
There's lots of new stuff for you to see, so get to it!
http://www.marsipan.co.uk/index2.php?mission=1

12:48 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment