let your little light shine

you all probably remember that song..."this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine"...etc.
it has come to my attention that as we grow up that "little light" is being hid behind a bushel.
fewer and fewer of us let our lights shine
some even wonder if they have a light at all anymore
and most are sure their light has been extinguished long ago
i haven't even thought about mine in a while
but today i saw my flame flicker
a small hint of an ember
and that seemingly insignificant light warmed my heart
now i could do like most people and let that moment pass, smile, take a deep breath and move on
but life should not be too busy for us to realize that this is much more than just a moment of happiness
but rather this is an opportunity
this is a calling
now to each of us this "light" might seem to be something completely different
but overall i think it's the same universal spark
whether your light comes from children, or singing, skipping, or reading, praying, kissing, or playing catch i think we can all agree it's something euphoric and unexplainable
larger and more overwhelming than we can put into words
see i believe that God implanted a spark in each of us that shines
this spark, this light is....well....unexplainable
i am not sure what to call it
all i know is i have seen it in others and felt it in me
i sat at the airport on a layover for hours
i sat watching people leave for flights and people return from them
the only thing i saw was grief and uncontrollable excitement
but it was real
too often with bills, errands, insurance, elections, work, and other humdrum things
we forget who we are
we forget why we are here
we forget to slow down, take a deep breath, and smile
we look out our window and see side walks, cars, pavement, trees, power lines, people
but what we don't see is wonder, opportunities, life
most of us are living to make it through another day
only to realize days have slipped into months
months have fallen into years
and soon they all muddle into one
all we see is a gray world
but today i saw a orange flame
what i saw was not a need to meet an end
but an end to meet our needs
i want to challenge you to awaken this child inside
find what used to make you tick before you got a automatic processor
and let it tick and tock
next time something makes you smile, next time you cry with enjoyment, next time you burst out in laughter, next time you create something unique and wonderful, next time you are given something that you can't even imagine
take a moment
slow everything down
smile
cry
laugh
and let your light shine
the more you let your light shine the more infectious this fire will be
igniting others flames
and soon all around you will be happier and more intune with themselves and this world around them
i thank God for my spark
i aspire to cultivate it
in hope that my light ignites more
matthew

7:39 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

extremey weird dream!

ok so here's my weird dream if you can interpret it or whatev let me know:
ok so i was at McDonalds for breakfast with Autumn my GF and i was eating a biscut but she asked if i wanted another. I said yes and then went to go do something(which i can't remember) in in the resurant and when i came back she had food. So i sat down but she didn't have food for me she had food for her. I was a little ticked and just as i was going to say something or do something the bell rang for school to start. She immediatly got up and waved goodbye and went to class. I was left there and i wasn't even ready. I went to another table and started looking through my suitcase (the green and white one i use for shows) but i would find an article here or an article there nothing that would match and go together. Finally someone (i can't remember who though i do remember she was female and older) came up and tried to help me. Then making me feel less worried about it and finally convinced me to just go home gather my stuff then go to school even if i was late. So i left McDonalds and started toward my apartment walking. I got there changed and left my suitcase but i heard a ruckass so i went to the front porch. next door at a friends house(mine and theres were old white houses) a few people were skipping school. So i went over and started talking it was 3 girls and one guy. I remember only 2 of the girls my friend Jenni and my friend Rebecca the guy was a tattooed bigger guy and the other girl was some kind of scene girl too. anywho they were getting ready and we were in the living room standing on this star thingy. Well when they were done they started moving the star thingy. Apparently it was on wheels and had controls and was more ike some kind of vehicle. The guy started driving us through the house. he went through his room then his closet to some kind of basement thing. I kept thinking how this device was used in the civil war and hadn't been used since. We finally stopped deep in this house and then started talking. Apparently they wanted to do an orgy but they said a "foursome" and there was def 5 of us. Anyways the main discussion came up about there being no condoms. So the guy offered to go get some right as other people entered the room. All i could think was, man thats exciting, who are these other people and how can i get them to leave, and what do i do about my GF. and then....i woke up.

WEIRD!
ok thats all for now
matthew

2:23 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

in the middle of nowhere...full

so here i am
sitting at a computer in a lobby of a motel
somewhere in the middle of nowhere
in south caroliona
stuffed full from some local mom and pop resurant
that i can't even tell you the name of
and all i can think to do is to write down my thoughts on life
but lately i haven't had many thoughts on life
i mean who am i anyways
i don't know much
all i know is that i am a little boy stuck in a mans body
living life aimlessly
looking for some sort of direction
too afriad to love
or get close to anyone for that matter
i am the "glass man" or the "girl from the picnic" (watch amelie if you don't know)
i work like a mad man
saving to make an album i am not sure anyone will ever care about
the only things i know i do right is that i love
i love all and i love deep
but even that has gotten me hurt
i want to be selfish but when i do i hurt others and it reminds me why i shouldn't
i am not depressed
don't think that
i am actually happy
but life confuses me
maybe i worry too much or maybe i think too much
who knows
maybe i am hard on myself
i just want to change the world for the better
even if it's one person at a time
i want everything my parents, friends, family, and God has ever wanted for me:
to be happy, make others happy, use my talents for good, find love, and serve God
but for some reason dreamers never are full
even as my stomach is aching asking me why i had to keep eating
my heart and soul aches too
but it asks how can i ever feel the feeling of fullfillment?
i just hope my flaws are fixed
and my gifts are polished
i hope i can be all that i am supposed to be
anyways
thats all i have
thanks for reading
matthew
cd: death cab for cutie: awesome
book: bible ...duh
movie: sophie's choice - good

6:03 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

what am i? and who am i looking for?

ok so twice recently i have had people "question" my faith
the 1st was someone telling someone else that i was a christian but that they would never know it
the 2nd was a roommate suprised that i go to church or am active with my faith
this bothered me alot
i wonder if i am just so cool as a person they can’t believe i am a christian
or whether i am not living as though God is a part of my life
anyone with thoughts on me and my faith let me know
i guess i am going to try to search my heart and ask God where i am and where he wants me

also due to that i have started to think about other "christians" and its very true that alot of us just have it as a title and nothing more
so many of us are lost
or confused
which scares me in finding a wife
so i have decided to consult the bible for answers
and i thought i would share

God warns me against certain women this is what he says:

Proverbs 5:2-4
The lips of a seductive woman are oh so sweet,
   her soft words are oh so smooth.
But it won’t be long before she’s gravel in your mouth,
   a pain in your gut, a wound in your heart.
She’s dancing down the primrose path to Death;
   she’s headed straight for Hell and taking you with her.
She hasn’t a clue about Real Life,
   about who she is or where she’s going.

Proverbs 5:7-14
So, my friend, listen closely;
   don’t treat my words casually.
Keep your distance from such a woman;
   absolutely stay out of her neighborhood.
You don’t want to squander your wonderful life,
   to waste your precious life among the hardhearted.
Why should you allow strangers to take advantage of you?
   Why be exploited by those who care nothing for you?
You don’t want to end your life full of regrets,
   nothing but sin and bones,
Saying, "Oh, why didn’t I do what they told me?
   Why did I reject a disciplined life?
Why didn’t I listen to my mentors,
   or take my teachers seriously?
My life is ruined!
   I haven’t one blessed thing to show for my life!"

Proverbs 23:27-28
   a loose woman can get you in deep trouble fast.
She’ll take you for all you’ve got;
   she’s worse than a pack of thieves.

and this is what i should be looking for:
Proverbs 11:16
A woman of gentle grace gets respect

Proverbs 12:4
A hearty wife invigorates her husband, but a frigid woman is cancer in the bones.

Proverbs 31:10
[ Hymn to a Good Wife ] A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds. Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it. Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long. She shops around for the best yarns and cottons, and enjoys knitting and sewing. She’s like a trading ship that sails to faraway places and brings back exotic surprises. She’s up before dawn, preparing breakfast for her family and organizing her day. She looks over a field and buys it, then, with money she’s put aside, plants a garden. First thing in the morning, she dresses for work, rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started. She senses the worth of her work, is in no hurry to call it quits for the day. She’s skilled in the crafts of home and hearth, diligent in homemaking. She’s quick to assist anyone in need, reaches out to help the poor. She doesn’t worry about her family when it snows; their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear. She makes her own clothing, and dresses in colorful linens and silks. Her husband is greatly respected when he deliberates with the city fathers. She designs gowns and sells them, brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops. Her clothes are well-made and elegant, and she always faces tomorrow with a smile. When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, and she always says it kindly. She keeps an eye on everyone in her household, and keeps them all busy and productive. Her children respect and bless her; her husband joins in with words of praise: "Many women have done wonderful things, but you’ve outclassed them all!" Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God. Give her everything she deserves! Festoon her life with praises!

so yea
i hope i find her

i guess thats all i got for now
matthew
CD: Once Soundtrack
Movie: Once
Book: best of Roald Dahl

3:40 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

find me where i am

WOW so much going on
1st off
i am recording my full length album in LA this summer with Jason Martin of Starflyer 59 (one of my top 5 favorite bands)...just got to work out the scheduling

2nd
i am playing tomfest in august and doing a small tour back

3rd
i might be the touring keyboardist, background vocalist, acoustic guitarist, percussionist for a major label band this summer (if so i will be going to the UK and Austrailia)

4th
I am going to finally visit my friend Hana in the UK this Fall

5th
i saw my family and friends this past weekend and had the GREATEST TIME
thank you so much
i love you all
there is something about being surrounded by people that love you that makes your face hurt from smiling too much

6th
i have been a little upset the last couple days
mainly because of my ex
apparently she is already seeing someone (after being apart 2 months of a 9 month relationship where we talked about marriage and said we loved eachother)
and it’s apparently serious enough where we can’t really be friends anymore
which is weird for me cause i have had a hard time seeing anyone much less being affectionate to them
i have been mourning my loss (i lost a girl i loved and her daughter who i loved)
but she gets to move on
whatever
thats not really what upset me though
what upset me was when she referenced to me as "the guy i used to do"
wow that was a slap in the face
was that all i was?
i couldn’t believe that
she tried to make it sound better but it was too late
anyways who cares

in my meeting with my couselour this week i took another test
this one to figure out my temperment and figure out when it’s not good for me to make decisison and when it is so i can avoid making bad decisions
sounds interesting

i guess thats it
so much on my mind but i cant get it out
working on getting my life in order and striaght
i am thankful for what i have
and look forward to what will come next
thank you all my friends and family
much love
matthew
CD: the new smashing pumpkins
DVD: arrested development season 1
book: the message bible

2:44 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

what i found inside me

i have been diagnosed to have ADD (attention deficet disorder) and Co-dependency problems
it is recomended that i look into medication for the ADD
and need to work with  my psychaitrist on the Co-dependency
i guess they both explain alot
i can’t focus, i am figity, i haven’t matured as fast as others, i deny my own emotions, my happiness relys on your happiness...etc.
so yea...that is that
i was strongly advised to stay away from any relationship till i get this worked out
so that will be fun
but i guess the 1st step in beating something is knowing it’s there
anyways
i put information about Co-dependency below if you don’t know what it is
and i guess i will put info on ADD too (just in case)
plese continiue to support, love and pray for me
matthew

Co-dependency
Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as "relationship addiction" because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.

Who Does Co-dependency Affect?

Co-dependency often affects a spouse, a parent, sibling, friend, or co-worker of a person afflicted with alcohol or drug dependence. Originally, co-dependent was a term used to describe partners in chemical dependency, persons living with, or in a relationship with an addicted person. Similar patterns have been seen in people in relationships with chronically or mentally ill individuals. Today, however, the term has broadened to describe any co-dependent person from any dysfunctional family.

What is a Dysfunctional Family and How Does it Lead to Co-dependency?

A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following:

• An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.
• The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
• The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness.

Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become "survivors." They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited

Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self.

How Do Co-dependent People Behave?

Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to "be themselves." Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity.

They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become "benefactors" to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may "pull some strings" to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the "benefactor." As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from "being needed." When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to "love" people they can pity and rescue
• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
• An extreme need for approval and recognition
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
• A compelling need to control others
• Lack of trust in self and/or others
• Fear of being abandoned or alone
• Difficulty identifying feelings
• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
• Problems with intimacy/boundaries
• Chronic anger
• Lying/dishonesty
• Poor communications
• Difficulty making decisions

Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-dependency

This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a "bad person" when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying "no" when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.

How is Co-dependency Treated?

Because co-dependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood, treatment often involves exploration into early childhood issues and their relationship to current destructive behavior patterns. Treatment includes education, experiential groups, and individual and group therapy through which co-dependents rediscover themselves and identify self-defeating behavior patterns. Treatment also focuses ..ing patients getting in touch with feelings that have been buried during childhood and on reconstructing family dynamics. The goal is to allow them to experience their full range of feelings again.

When Co-dependency Hits Home

The first step in changing unhealthy behavior is to understand it. It is important for co-dependents and their family members to educate themselves about the course and cycle of addiction and how it extends into their relationships. Libraries, drug and alcohol abuse treatment centers and mental health centers often offer educational materials and programs to the public.

A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and his or her family. Any caretaking behavior that allows or enables abuse to continue in the family needs to be recognized and stopped. The co-dependent must identify and embrace his or her feelings and needs. This may include learning to say "no," to be loving yet tough, and learning to be self-reliant. People find freedom, love, and serenity in their recovery.

Hope lies in learning more. The more you understand co-dependency the better you can cope with its effects. Reaching out for information and assistance can help someone live a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Attention Deficit Disorder, or ADD/ADHD, is a psychological term currently applied to anyone who meets the DSM IV diagnostic criteria for impulsivity, hyperactivity and/or inattention.  The diagnostic criteria are subjective and include behavior which might be caused by a wide variety of factors, ranging from brain defects to allergies to giftedness.  ADD, as currently defined, is a highly subjective description, not a specific disease. 

Confusion and controversy is caused by the tendency of some mental health professionals to assume that everyone diagnosed with ADD has some mysterious, irreversible brain defect.  This assumption has its roots in the very first group of severely ADD people ever studied, who suffered from encephalitis, or a swelling of the brain.  We also have learned that birth defects and brain injury from toxic chemicals such as lead often cause ADD.  However, over the last several decades the ADD diagnostic criteria have been so broadened as to include many people with no brain defects at all. Experts in the fields of temperament and creativity have objected that perfectly healthy people are being classified as disordered.  Huge numbers of these new types of people being added to the diagnostic pot have changed the way ADD is viewed in some circles, including people like Thom Hartmann, who popularized the idea of ADDers being "Hunters in a Farmer’s World".  On the other hand, many argue that such people aren’t ADD in the first place.  Both may be correct.  This website was started with the first viewpoint in mind (hence the title), but as time passes I find myself more likely to just say that many so-called ADD people are simply not ADD in the classic sense.

..tr> ..table>

There are two major types of ADD at this time (this aspect of ADD keeps evolving): ADD with hyperactivity (the traditional type of ADD) and ADD without hyperactivity ("inattentive" type). Here are the DSM IV diagnostic criteria in a condensed form:

Inattention (must meet six of the following to a degree that is "maladaptive"):

• Often fails to give close attention to details or makes mistakes in schoolwork;
• difficulty sustaining attention in tasks;
• seems not to listen;
• fails to follow instructions or finish work;
• unorganized;
• difficulties with schoolwork or homework;
• loses things like school assignments, books, tools, etc.;
• easily distracted;
• forgetful about daily activities.

ADD with Hyperactivity (must meet six of the following to a degree that is "maladaptive"): 

• fidgety in a squirmy sense;
• doesn’t stay seated;
• runs or climbs excessively (or feelings of restlessness in older children);
• difficulty playing quietly;
• often "on the go" or acts if "driven by a motor";
• often talks excessively;
• blurts out answers to questions;
• difficulty waiting in lines or waiting turns;
• often interrupts or intrudes on others.
  

For a longer version of the DSM IV criteria and quotes on related MBTI temperament traits, click here. 

Technically, ADD is not something you can suddenly come down with.  "Symptoms" such as excessive daydreaming or hyperactivity must be present by the age of seven in two or more settings and cannot be explained by some other psychological condition such as depression or anxiety.  However, there are cases of people acquiring the symptoms of ADD after experiencing brain trauma.

I will mention the "Lego Test" here.  For boys in particular, some professionals say that if a child can stay highly focused and on-task when it comes to following Lego directions, then he is not actually ADD.  This is, of course, not part of any official diagnostic manual and others would dispute it.

There is no exclusion for behavior caused by giftedness, normal temperament diversity, allergies or fatty acid deficiencies.  If you meet the criteria, then you are ADD, even if your behavior is the result of having an IQ of 175 and being confined to a dull school.  Behavior cannot be caused by some other psychological condition, however, such as depression or anxiety. 

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Background and History:  ADD was first identified and studied in the early 1900’s, although it wasn’t called ADD back then.   After World War I, researchers noted that children who had contracted encephalitis displayed a high incidence of hyperactivity, impulsivity, and conduct disorders.  And in the 1940’s, some soldiers who had experienced brain injuries were found to have behavioral disorders.¹   It seemed clear that brain damage could cause hyperactivity.  Other forms of brain insult have since been identified as causes of hyperactivity, including exposure to lead and other environmental toxins, as well as fetal exposure to drugs and alcohol.

Once brain damage was identified as a cause of hyperactivity in certain patients, researchers assumed that all hyperactivity was caused by brain damage, even when no brain damage could be identified.  That’s why ADD was once called "minimal brain dysfunction."  This is an important point to understand.  It is because of this early association of brain injury and hyperactivity that ADD traits are still assumed by many to reflect a brain disorder.  Researchers made a giant leap in logic: Because brain injury can lead to hyperactivity, they believed that all hyperactivity was caused by brain injury.  We now know this is not true.   In fact, hyperactivity is also associated with giftedness, but obviously we cannot say that all hyperactive children are gifted any more than we can say all hyperactive children have suffered brain injury.

More recent studies have shown that ADD is largely genetic.  That is, it runs in families.  This has lead some ADD researchers, notably Russell Barkley, to assume that our population is experiencing large scale random genetic mutations, a rather ridiculous notion for anyone familiar with population genetics.   Anytime more than one percent of the population carries a gene, geneticists rule out random mutations under the belief that the gene has been actively selected for.  For example, the gene-based disease sickle cell anemia has been found to help a population by providing resistance to malaria.

In the 1990’s a growing number of ADD experts began to view ADD not so much as a disorder, but instead a natural condition which leaves ADDers at a disadvantage in some common modern settings, and many positive attributes became associated with ADD, such as creativity, enthusiasm and entrepreneurial tendencies.  This is probably due in part to the ever expanding world of ADDers.  A few decades ago only the most dysfunctional hyperactive kids were identified as "disordered" and these kids were more likely to suffer from actual brain injury. Today, the diagnostic criteria are so broad that millions of children in the U.S. are getting the label.  Any underachiever who doesn’t seem to pay attention in school or who has trouble handing in finished homework is fair game for a diagnosis.  I spoke to one teenager who was diagnosed ADD even though her grade point average had never been below a 3.85 (taking Ritalin allowed her to achieve a 4.0).    I also spoke to a psychiatrist who routinely prescribed Ritalin to "C" students in an effort to improve their grade point average.

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How common is ADD?

The figure for ADD is typically given as 3-5 percent of the population.  The real figure is unknown and estimates vary between 1 and 20 percent or even more.  This is largely because the diagnostic criteria are so subjective: What is considered "clinically significant impairment" to one person might seem more like normal childhood behavior to someone else.  For example, in one English survey, only 0.09 percent of the children were found to be ADD.   But in an Israeli study, 28 percent of children were rated hyperactive by their teachers.  And in one U.S. study, teachers rated 50 percent of boys as restless, 43 percent of boys as having "short attention spans" and 43 percent of boys as "inattentive to what others say." ²

^{Diagnoses and medication rates can vary greatly within the U.S.  Gretchen Lefever, a pediatric psychologist who became concerned when she was suddenly inundated with ADD referrals, studied 30,000 grade-school students in two Virginia school districts.  Her findings, which were published in "The American Journal of Public Health", showed that 17% of white boys in the region were given medication for ADD while at school.  Other rates were 9% for African-American boys, 7% for white girls, and 3% for African-American girls.3}

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Is ADD Real? 

Some people have argued that there is no such thing as ADD.  Upon reading their arguments I have found that what most of them are actually saying is that ADD is not a singular "disease", but rather a collection of behaviors or "symptoms" caused by a wide range of problems. So, to some extent, it’s really a matter of semantics. They compare a diagnosis of ADD to that of a diagnosis of "fever."  Imagine going to the doctor with a temperature and being told you have been diagnosed with a disease called "Fever," and that all you can do is take aspirin to lower it.  You might question the wisdom of such a simplistic approach and wonder why the doctor doesn’t look for the CAUSE of the fever. Doctors rarely look for the cause of ADD behaviors. Instead, they assume such behaviors are due to some mysterious brain defect that for some odd reason a huge number of people seem to have. 

Opponents of this simplistic approach argue that the concept of ADD as a singular and discreet disease is a complete fabrication.  They do NOT argue that ADD behaviors are simply caused by lack of discipline or are figments of people’s imagination. They believe people should be seen as individuals, and their specific problems treated as symptoms.  The actual "condition" causing the behavior could range from brain damage to giftedness to allergies, and "treatment" would similarly range from stimulant medication to alternative education to allergy shots, depending on the root of problem.

How is ADD Diagnosed?

ADD should be diagnosed by a psychologist or psychiatrist who is knowledgeable about ADD as well as giftedness and creativity.  Avoid diagnosis by a pediatrician, since pediatricians as a group are far more likely to simply prescribe medications without properly assessing the child.  Psychiatrists and neurologists are far more likely to prescribe medications before acquiring a total picture of the patient.

Adults, especially those with the non-hyperactive form of ADD, may have trouble finding a practitioner knowledgeable in ADD, since until recently ADD was considered a childhood condition.   Women with ADD are often told they suffer from depression and are prescribed antidepressants which do not work. 

Ask the practitioner what his or her ADD assessment entails.  A good assessment typically runs several hours and will include tests for IQ and creativity.  Avoid anyone who simply asks a few question and then prescribes medication to "see what happens."  Most people do better and feel better on stimulants, even those without ADD, so this is a very bad approach for a professional to follow.  For additional information and a  checklist for children see my page called Children: Diagnosis, "Treatment" and Alternatives.

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Common Misconceptions About ADD

1.  Many people assume ADDers cannot pay attention.  This is completely false.  In fact, ADDers are known to "hyperfocus" on anything which captures their attention, to the point where it is difficult to get their attention.   It is true, however, that a higher degree of interest is necessary before the ADDer can pay attention.  ADDers do not tune-out or daydream on purpose or to be rude.   Some people have likened it to having an on-off switch in the brain.  Interest is needed to activate or "turn on" the brain, after which the ADDer can pay attention.  If there is no interest, then the brain is "off" and the ADDer is likely to do something to try and get it back on.  This can include sensation seeking, daydreaming, or becoming immersed in something the ADDer finds very interesting. It can also include disruptive behavior. This might be nature’s way of making sure that some people are always on the lookout for something new and interesting - these are our explorers and discoverers.  Ritalin and other stimulants appear to work by artificially stimulating the brain, allowing the ADDer to tolerate a duller setting than they could otherwise function well in (e.g. schools). 

2. Someone can be ADD and not be hyperactive.  Some ADDers, especially girls, are quiet daydreamers.

3. Oppositional behavior is often confused with ADD.  ADD in itself does NOT directly cause oppositional behavior.  It can, however, indirectly result in anger and oppositional behavior if the ADDer is chronically mistreated, for example, by parents and teachers who continually blame the child for not "performing" like other children.   Such children may give up trying to please their parents and instead misbehave out of frustration and anger. Otherwise, ADD kids are often described as enthusiastic and affectionate by understanding parents.  In addition, some people reacting to foods may become hostile as well as hyperactive while they are reacting to the food. 

4. You cannot tell if someone is ADD by their response to stimulants.  Most people perform better and feel better when given stimulants, including those who are not ADD.  That’s why so many people drink coffee.

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How Do ADD Brains Differ from Average Brains?

Although there is as yet no definitive answer to this question.  As a group, ADDers MAY have less activity in certain parts of their brain while they are asked to perform tedious math problems or other dull exercises.  (I’ve yet to see any researcher examine what ADD brains look like while engaged in something they find interesting.)  I say MAY because the quality of research has been generally poor and misleading.  For example, in one highly publicized study that showed less brain activity in ADD children, all of the children on the study had abruptly been removed from Ritalin 24 hours before the test.  It is possible that their brains had adjusted physically to the Ritalin and were in a state of withdrawal during the test.  I find it interesting that when a different study showed brain differences in people who use methamphetamine (speed), the researchers concluded that the speed had damaged their brains. Yet when Ritalin users brains were examined, the researchers assumed that the brain differences were due to ADD. 

When reading studies that purport to explain ADD brain difference, bear in mind that:

1) In most studies, the ADDers studied are SEVERELY dysfunctional and are therefore NOT representative of the typical child who is routinely diagnosed with ADD. 

2) Most of the people studied for ADD also have depression and/or anxiety.  Both of these conditions significantly impact how the brain performs, so the results may indicate more about depression and anxiety than about ADD.

3) Many children studied also have learning disorders, so the brain differences found may be due to their learning disorders, and not to ADD.   Again, the data is confused.

4) Successful ADDers are excluded from study, because no one is really interested in them.

5) The medication that the children had been taking for ADD may have caused brain differences.

6) Some brain differences may be temporary and subject to environmental influences.  Glucose activity is impacted by diet and metabolism.   Dopamine activity is also impacted by diet.  Even thoughts have a powerful impact on the brain: Brain scans of  obsessive-compulsive folks before and after psychoanalysis showed that training people to think differently actually changed their brain scan. Brains may also change temporarily when someone is having an allergic reaction.  Doris Rapp, M.D. documented alterations in EEG tests while children were challenged with allergens.  The EEG results corresponded with dramatic behavior changes in the children, including hyperactivity. (Source: Is this Your Child? Discovering and Treating Unrecognized Allergies in Children and Adults by Doris Rapp).

7) The brain is very poorly understood and there is no good data pool for normally functioning people. In other words, scientists have no idea at what point normal brain diversity ends and abnormalities start because they haven’t studied very many normal brains. Instead, they typically study a very small control group.   The control group only demonstrate what is average, not what is perhaps unusual but otherwise normal.  Einstein had some very unusual brain differences which could have been interpreted as either defects or differences depending on the bias of the researcher (his overall brain size was average).

Dopamine: The neurotransmitter dopamine has been implicated in ADD.  Dopamine is the "feel good" chemical in the brain which is responsible for our ability to concentrate as well as our feelings of happiness.  Just about all mood-altering drugs work on dopamine, including alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, heroin, and cocaine, as do stimulant medications for ADD.  Dopamine activity increases naturally in response to mental or physical stimulation (this is nature’s way of getting us off our butts), which is why ADDers can focus much better after exercise or during an emergency. In fact, it is said that many of the people involved in emergency response are ADD, such as firemen and ER physicians.

It is quite possible that some people are born with reduced levels of dopamine activity.   People born with less dopamine may unknowingly spend much of their lives looking for ways to boost dopamine, either in positive ways like being highly active, inventive or competitive, or in negative ways by being reckless, gambling, or taking drugs.  Another possibility is that lifestyles affect dopamine activity. For example, the brains of children raised on high levels of stimulation (e.g. by watching Cartoon Network and playing video games all day) might "adapt" physically so that high-stimulation becomes a requirement.  Finally, general nutrition is important.  Researchers have demonstrated a correlation of ADD and fatty acid deficiency.  Fatty acids are used to build receptors for neurotransmitters like dopamine as well as neural synapses formed while learning new things.

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Profiles: The Diverse Face of ADD (or the types of people who get that label, right or wrong) Sam is an ten-year old with an IQ of 135 who gets Cs on his report card, is disruptive in class, and constantly challenges rules and procedures. He has poor handwriting, is fidgety, unorganized, impulsive, has a poor verbal memory but strong visual memory, and talks too loud and too much.  He is brilliant on a computer and like to invent things. His behavior is actually perfectly normal for someone who is gifted and has an ENTP temperament (extravert-intuitive-thinking-perceiving).  In school he’s bored out of his mind.   He’s also a visual thinker rather than a verbal thinker, which is why he is very good at computers and picking up complex concepts.  Because he is an extreme extravert, he needs to move in order to think and otherwise needs a lot of external stimulation, such as a radio on when he studies.  At the same time, he can become too wound-up if overstimulated. He also has allergies to mold, dust and citrus fruits. When his allergies act up he is becomes generally more wound up, impulsive and cranky. A lack of good sleep causes the same problems. Even though he meets the diagnostic criteria of ADD, some would say he is not really ADD.  Others would say he is ADD, but that ADD is a broad realm with many positives.  It is not clear who is correct. Tom is a five year old who ate paint chips containing lead when he was a toddler.  The lead exposure caused permanent brain damage, and he now has an IQ of 86 and is extremely hyperactive and impulsive.  He bounces from toy to toy, unable to really focus on anything for more than a few seconds.   He is also very clumsy and accident prone.  This is the classic case of "pure" ADD that people like Russell Barkley think about when they talk about how bad ADD is and how necessary medications are.  Their mistake is in extrapolating what they know about Tom to other people such as Sam. Sara is quiet 40-year old woman with three kids.  As a child she got average grades and was not a discipline problem.  Her imagination was so vivid that she daydreamed a lot and had trouble focusing on the teacher, and she was harassed by her parents for being so far away and "in the clouds".  Her entire life has been marked by disorganization and procrastination. Her IQ is 152 but she feels stupid.  She loves her family but is overwhelmed by the daily routine. Sara has the rarest MBTI temperament:  INFP.   This temperament is associated with the best writers in history and is said to have the "soul of an artist".  She naturally focuses on her inner world and is inspired by imagination.  Unfortunately, this perfectly natural temperament trait has caused her to feel different from others and to be looked down upon.  She has been unable to find her niche, and she suffers from anxiety and depression, both of which cause an inability to concentrate and mental fogginess.  She is also a perfectionist, a trait associated with giftedness, which is one reason she cannot seem to get started on the many artistic projects she dreams up in her head.  Her natural tendency to think divergently causes her to be disorganized and her house is always a mess.  She has a strong tendency to blame herself and to try and meet everyone else’s expectations, which is one reason she is so depressed.  Her depression makes it even more difficult to accomplish anything, so a vicious downward cycle has left her feeling completely overwhelmed and worthless.  She also has a fatty acid deficiency that became severe after her three pregnancies, which has seriously increased her depression and inability to focus. Doug is a twenty year old college student suffering from sleep apnea triggered by allergies.  Because he is always extremely tired, he has trouble concentrating and learning new things.  He’s also unorganized and depressed because he’s so tired.    Note that a brain scan would probably show abnormal glucose metabolism that researchers would cites as "proof" of brain damage, even though it really shows a lack of sleep and accompanying depression and anxiety.  When his sleep condition is treated his "ADD" clears up. Jessica was a very unhappy, colicky baby for her first year. She rarely slept and cried constantly.  As a toddler she was hyperactive and had constant temper tantrums.  In kindergarten she is simply impossible: unfocused, impulsive, and constantly getting into fights with other children.   Her moods are unpredictable, and she complains of headaches. She also has a chronic stuffy nose and dark circles under her eyes. Jessica’s real problem is an allergy to wheat, milk and food colors.  When her allergies are treated she becomes an entirely different child. Ed is a successful entrepreneur who discovered he was ADD after his son was diagnosed with it. His IQ is 134. Although Ed was an underachieving "wise-ass" in school and barely made it through college, his imagination and risk-taking tendency was a key component of his later success. Ed hyperfocuses on problems until he solves them and is a workaholic.  His strong tendency towards disorganization was solved by hiring competent bookkeepers and secretaries, and marrying an organized wife. Ryan is a seven-year old boy who is naturally active and has an IQ of 120. His mother is very passive and neither one of his parents have ever disciplined him appropriately. They nag, yell and threaten, but NEVER follow up with a consequence.  As a result, Ryan is a major behavior problem in school.  He constantly talks when he’s not supposed to, gets into fights, and refuses to do schoolwork.  When he doesn’t get his way he throws a tantrum. He lies about other kids, tattling on them to the teacher. He’s not very fidgety, he just likes to run and chase balls.  He doesn’t have motor problems, and is actually pretty coordinated. Ryan is essentially a spoiled brat.  He, like most kids, also has a fatty acid deficiency which exacerbates his negative behavior.  See also Readers’ Stories

Sunday, March 09, 2008

what’s in a name?? i have been curious about what my name means so i looked it up here is what i have found MATTHEW Gender: Masculine Usage: English, Biblical Pronounced: MATH-yoo   [key] English form of ?--------??? (Matthaios), which was a Greek form of the Hebrew name ???????????? (Mattityahu) which meant "gift of YAHWEH". Saint Matthew, also called Levi, was one of the twelve apostles, a tax collector. He was supposedly the author of the first Gospel in the New Testament. English form of the name of the Christian evangelist, author of the first gospel in the New Testament. His name is a form of the Hebrew name Matt thia, meaning "gift of God", which is fairly common in the Old Testament, being rendered in the Authorized Version in a number of different forms: Mattan(i)ah, Mattatha(h), Mattithiah, Mattathias, and so on. In the Authorized Version, the evangelist is regularly referred to as Matthew, while the apostle chosen to replace Judas Iscariot is distinguished as Matthias. A related name from the same Hebrew roots, but reversed, is Jonathan. Cognates (also of Matthias): Irish Gaelic: Maitiú, Maitias. Scottish Gaelic: Mata; Matha (a dialectal variant). French: Mathieu. Italian: Matteo, Mattia. Spanish: Mateo. Portuguese: Mateus. Catalan: Mateu. German: Mattäus. Dutch: Matthijs. Swedish, Norwegian: Mats. Danish: Mads, Mathies. Polish: Mateusz, Maciej. Czech: Matej, Matyá--. Russian: Matvei. Ukrainian: Matvi. Hungarian: Mátyás, Máté. Finnish: Matti. Short forms: English: Matt. Dutch: Thijs. Pet forms: English: Mattie. Polish: Maciek. Russian: Motya. ALLEN Gender: Masculine Usage: English, Scottish Pronounced: AL-en   [key] Variant of ALAN. Meaning Rock/handsome. A famous bearer of this name was Allen Ginsberg, an American beat poet. Another is the American film director and actor Woody Allen, who took the stage name Allen from his real first name. allen Scottish and English: variant spelling of Alan, in Britain generally found only as a surname, but in the United States equally common as a given name. Schwartz German and Jewish (Ashkenazic): nickname for someone with black hair or a dark complexion, from Middle High German swarz, German schwarz, Yiddish shvarts 'dark', 'black'. This name is widespread throughout central and eastern Europe. so in short my name is: gift of god, rock, handsome, dark, black ha and this is interesting: matthew allen schwartz There are 20 letters in your name. Those 20 letters total to 81 There are 5 vowels and 15 consonants in your name.   What your first name means: Shakespearean    Male    'Henry VI, Part 2' Matthew Goffe. Hebrew    Male    Gift of the Lord. In the bible Mathew was one of the 12 apostles. He wrote the first gospel account of the life of Jesus. Biblical    Male    Given; a reward Your number is: 9 The characteristics of 9 are: Humanitarian, giving nature, selflessness, obligations, creative expression. The expression or destiny for 9: The expression that you exhibit is represented bythe number 9. Your talents center in humanistic interests and approaches. You like to help others as you were intended to be the 'big brother or big sister' type. You operate best when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion, and allow yourself to be sensitive to the needs of others. You work well with people, and have the potential to inspire. This suggests that you could successfully teach or counsel. Creative ability, imagination and artistic talent (often latent) of the highest order are present in this expression. It's possible that you're not using or developing all of these capabilities at this time. Some of your talents may have been used at an earlier time in your life, and some may still be latent. Be aware of your capabilities, so that you can make use of them at appropriate times. If you are able to achieve the potential of your natural expression in this life, you are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others. Your personal ambitions are likely to be maintained in a very positive perspective, never losing sight of an interest in people, and a sympathetic, tolerant, broad-minded and compassionate point of view. You are quite idealistic, and disappointed at the lack of perfection in the world. You have a strong awareness of your own feeling as well as those of others. Friendships, affection, and love are extremely important. Undeveloped or ignored, the negative side of the 9 expression can be very selfish and self-centered. If you do not actively involve yourself with work that benefits others, you may tend to express just the opposite characteristics. It is your role to be very involved with other people and their needs, but it may be difficult for you achieve this role. Aloofness, lack of involvement, and a lack of sensitivity mark the low road of this expression. Your Soul Urge number is: 4 A Soul Urge number of 4 means: With the Soul Urge or Motivation number of 4 you are likely to strive for a stable life. You tend to follow a rather orderly pattern and systematic approach in your endeavors. You have an inner desire to serve others in a methodical and diligent manner. You want to be in solid, conventional, and well-regulated activities, and you are somewhat disturbed by innovation and erratic or sudden changes. Excellent at organizing, systematizing, and managing, you have a way of establishing order and maintaining it. You are responsible, reliable and in the final analysis, practical. Highly analytical, you can see your way through all sorts of situations and generally have a clear understanding of the issues. You are a very honest, sincere, and conscientious individual. The negative side of the 4 is rigid, stubborn and somewhat narrow-minded. There is a tendency to hide feelings, or to really not be aware of real feelings. Avoid being too rigid and stubborn in your thinking, and try to always see the big picture rather than becoming to involved with the detail. Don't be afraid to take a chance once in awhile. Your Inner Dream number is: 5 An Inner Dream number of 5 means: You dream of being totally free and unrestrained by responsibility. You see yourself conversing and mingling with the natives in many nations, living for adventure and life experiences. You imagine what you might accomplished 12:18 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Sunday, March 02, 2008

you live and you learn Current mood: artistic do you like your job? do you love it? should you? is that the point? i have been pondering these thoughts for a while and have others ask me when  wasn't concerned but i finaly believe i have found the answer i think to our ancestors and what God asks of us and i don't think life cares about what we want i think our society has become a spoiled rich child what i do to make money isn't who i am we have jobs to provide for ourselves and our loved ones no other reason those lucky enough to have one they love or like are fortunate but i don't think that is the plan for all of us some people don't have a purpose including our jobs some peoples purpose is just in how they live all i know is my forefathers worked long hours in mines, farms, factories...etc. not cause they loved the job but because they loved their family and for some to serve their God i have decided not to complain about my job anymore doesn't mean i am going to settle for it but doesn't mean i am going to take it for granted no more spoiled child on another note i am not used to break ups i don't think i even really know how they are supposed to work i know it is going to hurt but other than that i guess i have no clue i don't fall for people so when i do i fall hard and if i let you in i don't want to let you out i don't treat anyone the way i treat you i don't let anyone as close as you are but not all things work and to me the thought of "are we good for eachother" never crosses my mind the fact you got past my defenses is all the proof i need i figure that love conquers all so from there, any problems can be fixed but  guess they can't the only thoughts i can feel when it's over is "i wish i hadn't had opened up" and/or "i thought you loved me" cause to me if you loved me and if i loved you we would never give up on eachother no matter what but regardless i move on one hesitated step after another all i want now is my friend back but i guess if i can't have that then i want you to know you will always be a part of me maybe one day i will  learn how break-ups work or maybe i won't have to and this is what God has taught me lately it's so true "Exercise daily in God—no spiritual flabbiness, please! Workouts in the gymnasium are useful, but a disciplined life in God is far more so, making you fit both today and forever. You can count on this. Take it to heart." - 1 timothy 4:7ish "sustained sucess demands sufficient structure" "we need constant attentention to grow" so if our hearts and soul are our flowers/garden then we need to constantly be attending to them taking out weeds, watering, pruning,...etc. and just like exercise results come in time but when they do they are amazing we can't survive a blizzard without being prepared so prepare yourself with warmth to make it through the cold. ok so thats enough for today ha thanks for reading matthew cd - i tunes shuffle and working on my album movie - the darjeerling limited - beautiful book - nothing but the message bible right now Currently listening : Oh! Gravity. By Switchfoot Release date: 26 December, 2006 11:32 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Saturday, March 01, 2008

interesting things i had a sheriff try to serve me with papers in GA i don't know why? weird this scares me the only thing i can think is for past due credit card bills.... i will call someone this week and take care of them... but if it's not them i dunno?? i don't want to leave my house i never do only to see friends, work, church or when i HAVE to but even for those i  have a hard time my anxiety is growing maybe? i dunno it's weird i was going to go to the thrift store and the store to get envelopes but i couldn't get myself to leave i convienced myself to go tomorrow after church that way maybe i won't wimp out of going to church too i hate going alone but i know i need to i am tired but i can't sleep i got SO much accomplished this week i am super excited ok well off to eat and watch TV matthew 12:32 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Sunday, February 24, 2008

new dream i was "working" with my friend Adam we were going to department stores offices we were looking for something kinda like a scavenger hunt but we were frantic and it was very hi paced our boss was very upset it was valentines day and i kept getting text video cards from friends (libbie sent me one and i think kasey) i kept wanting it to be jessica then we went to our bosses office we thought we were in serious trouble we drove a van i stayed outside while adam endured turned out we got rewarded but with Acid/LSD we went to the cabin we were stayinng at we took some acid started seeing things then i finally got my video text from jessica she was in a new house and it was empty she started to tell me something then i woke up thats all i remember WEIRD! monday in london is over now i am a little relieved now on to other things i guess thats that matthew 7:09 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment