The Real Kind of Clumsy

Growing up I could never seem to figure out exactly what my feet were supposed to do.  I even learned to tie my shoelaces left-handed instead of right-handed which seemed sort of symbolic of my feet fate...they would always seem backwards and awkward.  This almost made me flunk kindergarten.  That's backwards, they said.  Can't you do it the other way?  No.  No I couldn't.  This carried into the rest of my childhood.  One Easter morning I wanted to hurry up and find all the chocolate and eggs and all that other stuff before my older brother got up and took it all.  I flew out of bed before he did.  But I tripped in the doorway of our bedroom over my nightgown (I think), and he promptly woke up and just stepped right over me as my body that was casually in his way.  He was used to this.  He got all the eggs.  Another time I was trying to hang out with my older brother and his friends as they rummaged through an empty apartment building on our block that had not been occupied for quite some time.  They decided to jump from an outside stair landing and onto the ground.  They did this quite successfully.  I on the other hand, could not seem to get enough lift from my feet as I jumped from the landing.  They just didn't work right and almost seemed to drag.  In mid-jump the seat of my pants got stuck on a nail that was protruding from the edge of the landing.  Why in the world I had not been wearing underwear that day was beyond me.  My brother and his friends ran away laughing as I was stuck dangling from this nail with no underwear not having any idea how to get down.  It is no surprise that when sheets of ice covered everything recently that I needed to take special measures (Underwear?  Check).  Walking out of my front door it felt like I was ice skating to my Blazer.  The neighbors who never said anything at to me even gave me a warning, "Watch out, it's slick."  I got into my Blazer with a smile on my face as if I had just won a gold medal in figure skating while juggling bowling balls because I had not fallen.  Driving to the mall I wondered if I had finally figured out the nature of my own feet.  I was pretty happy.  Until I attempted to get out of my car.  With one leg out, there was no traction whatsoever as my first foot hit the ground.  The force of my moving body was transferred into enough energy to pull my entire body out of the car.  Hitting the pavement wasn't the scary part...My body almost got ran over by an old lady in some giant Buick who thought that no matter where she was, she had the right away.  Even in her car.  I had hit the pavement so hard that when I hit the front side of my body it flipped over to the back side.  I saw the faces of the other mall-goers which said, "Shit.  That sucks.  Glad that didn't happen to me."  They just kept walking.  In Nebraska it is ok to stare, so they just stared as they walked into the mall.  I was so embarrassed that I thought about just crawling under my Blazer until I thought it was safe to roll back out. 

12:08 PM - 3 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

For He Who is Preparing to Die
Current mood: crushed
Category: Writing and Poetry

He lists his collectibles

in alphabetical order

with the number he owns of each

            Apothecary jars…9

            Fairbury water pump…2

            Robert Browning poetry book…1

            Rock Island Depot lanterns…6

He also lists the running total value

In the right corner of every page.

At $600,000 I wasn't halfway

through the ledger.

"Is there anything you want?" He asks,

but I can no longer pretend

I am still interested

in these items acquired over a lifetime.

I want to tell him to stop trying to hurry death,

stop waiting for it like a bleak, scheduled appointment

in his leather bound book.

His tact so precise, but as if he is working

on an ordinary chore.

How do I tell him, this 78 year old man,

sitting across from me, arms folded,

that I want the Robert Browning poetry book

because his mom used to read to him,

every night, the last thing he did

before bed.

12:55 AM - 5 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

For my readers...

Some of you have subscribed to my blog for a long time. Thanks for your support. I just want to warn you though, i will be using my blog for notes and whatnot that might lead to better poems. I havent done this in the past. So if i edit my material, i dont know if u get an alert or not. I just wanted to let my subscribers know because that might be annoying to some of you. Thanks again for those of you who have hung in there to see what i might post...m

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The Search

The Search for Andy

I came to your house a couple times,

instead of finding my way to the grocery store

to buy cigarettes for my mom.

And because we both tired those cigarettes,

we became friends.

The summer of 1987 we pooled money,

counted it right there on the hot

sidewalk in front of your house

so we could buy packages

and packages of Black Cats.

You came running out of that screen door,

laughing hard, because you lit a firecracker

in the house, on a dare.  After that,

I couldn't come over anymore.

Years later I didn't even want to stay

in that town anymore.

Nothing was supposed to happen in Fairbury.

The front page photo: 

Your dad in overalls

made for someone who used the land

to support himself, but there he was

standing up in that shaky boat,

standing up to desperation, his back turned.

The fish finder in his right hand

said everything. 

The water near the dam was too high

for anyone else to dare to search with him.

The caption read a few large objects

picked up, but not you. 

It was assumed

you were fishing.  Tried

to get your line

untangled.

9:44 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Letters...
Category: Writing and Poetry

Letters from  1107 Recharge Road

One by one they came.

Written with a pencil

you couldn't afford from jail.

Your letters—the return address 1107 Recharge Rd.

Inmate number 94557 became your name.

It was the most you'd ever said to me about anything.

I wanted to show you that I believed every single word,

when you got out, in ten years or so, so I saved

this currency, for more of your attention.

Sometimes you talked about your worn shoes,

jail uniforms and pencils…things you couldn't buy.

But mostly you asked for money, even from behind bars,

which reminded me

I still haven't done enough

for you to say anything at all.

9:38 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Two things I learned today...
Current mood: confused
Category: Life

1.  Some of my friends know that I am remodeling an apartment to live in.  Today, I walked into the bathroom carefully enough to avoid the huge hole in the floor that goes straight to the basement.  I gently turned on the light discouraged at what I would see, but then the entire ceiling caved in and fell on my head.  This did not happen fast.  Everything just kept falling and hitting me in the head in huge pieces at a time.  There is an exit from the bathroom to the basement via steps, but one of the steps was missing that I have tripped over many times, and I was afraid I would fall down the basement steps to my death if I took off running.  If I tried to leave the way I came, I was worried I would trip over all the equipment that I stepped over to enter the bathroom in the first place...And since the shower that was once in the bathroom now sat awkardly blocking the bathroom entrance (and exit), my lack of options went through my head like a broken computer.  So I stood there and wondered how long it would take before the guy's toilet in the apartment above would also fall on my head, since I knew it was right above my bathroom ceiling that was hitting me so hard I thought I would still die.  Today, I learned that it is ok to take one of three options even when all of them just plain suck.

2.  I learned my cats could be registered at Blockbuster and at the Pharmacy.  At Blockbuster, they let you add anyone you wish to have on the membership.  After an incident came to mind that happened at the Pharmacy where I work, I decided to register Papa Jose and Stumpy just to see what would happen...they are new members.  At the Pharmacy, it is becoming more and more common to give animal patients human drugs...many pets even have insurance these days.  By law in the state I am in, it is REQUIRED that Pharmacists offer to counsel each and every patient.  One lady seriously made me counsel her dog to see if he liked the beef flavor of his Benadryl.  Today, I learned that it is ok to hate retail but not the patient.

9:23 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Growing Catuses in Nebraska
Current mood: contemplative

Well.  here I am and it is cold, and I see my breath at night, and even during the day.  It's odd the things I missed.  but I am back, here in Nebraska in an undisclosed location so my tires remain inflated.  I'm doing well, and in a hospital position.  Thinkin' about teaching again.  Doing well. 

I bought a little "egg" that I bought before I left Arizona...complete with a recipe for growing catuses...didn't think they would grow, but there are about 15 in that little egg.  It's weird the things I miss.

I've been thinking about people lately.  The ones I don't miss.  It's good to be home.

Currently reading : Thirst: Poems By Mary Oliver Release date: 04 October, 2006

9:52 AM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

I think they call it Dumpster Diving.
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping

I don't aspire to be a bag lady or anything, but...

I have been having a hard time finding time to shop lately, let alone furnish my new apartment...working 40+ hours a week as a new pharmacist, and teaching as well has been killing all my time.  So I  guess I didn't find it that strange when I came home from work the other day, and right in front of the community dumpster sat a beautiful suede-like couch...and I took it home, walking it rather quickly in what I hoped was a non-conspicuous manner into my apartment (with some help) with a smirk on my face as if I had just brought it home from the new and possibly used furniture store.

Because of this find, I was just "glancing" again as I came home the next day.  There sat an antique roll top DESK!  I don't think I could even afford this thing if I had really found it in the antique store...and in such great condition.

So then, the NEXT DAY, I found a really cool movie set looking chair made out of real wood.  That made it into my apartment as well.

And then a FREAKIN WOOD TABLE...but someone else snagged that before I could haul it away.

However, I'm thinking I might find a golden goose or something out there in a couple days.  This is getting fun.

12:39 AM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

I'm 66% Nebraskan
Current mood: amused
Category: Life

I recently moved to Arizona, so I just wanted to check and see how "Nebraska" I really am...only because I am homesick, and because I went to a yard sale the other day here in Scottsdale, and I didn't even realize those are probably a Nebraska thing too because I was obsessing about their yard sale "setup"...it was a mess...even more so, I have NEVER in my life been to a Macy's.  I think I should have gotten points for that.

I left some of my own comments in parenthesis...

[X] You were born in Nebraska
[] You are proud that you are not from one of those square states
[] You know all the words to There is No Place Like Nebraska
[X] You remember your first trip to Memorial Stadium
[] You have met Tom Osborne and it was a moving experience
Total: 2

[X] You know THE game refers to that weeks college football game
[] You claim to be a husker fan since birth
[X] You can pronounce Norfolk (Nor-fork), Beatrice (BE-at-triss), and Kearney (Car-knee) (I graduated high school from Norfolk...and yeah, that's how they know if you are actually from Norfolk or not, by the way you pronounce it.  FYI...I got my first two college degrees from UNK..)
[X] You know the story of why Norfolk is misspelled. (Of course I do)
[X] You voted/rooted for Tom Osborne for Govenor (And...I am NOT a husker fan).
Total: 4 (I should have subtracted one for NOT being a husker fan...that is sort of a given in Nebraska).

[X] You take pride in knowing that on Saturdays, Memorial stadium is the third largest city in the state.
[X] You know that the statue on the dome of the state capital is actually sowing seed - not bowling (They teach us this on our field trips...I also had a field trip to an actual farm, and I was also a proud member of Future Farmers of America...literally people would come in with cow poo ALL OVER their boots...only then did I eliminate "farmer" as a potential job.)
[] You can drive through towns like Wahoo with a straight face (I will never be able to do this).
[XXX] You know what "knee high by the Fourth of July" refers to. (I was a detassler, and that is how I bought my school clothes and supplies every year)
[] You list your religious preference as "Cornhusker."
Total: 3

[X] You consider using your life savings to go to the Colorado-Nebraska football game. (I'm not a fan AT ALL, but I have considered this once).
[] There's a tornado warning and you go outside to watch for it (In Nebraska you either go outside and stare from the porch, or you RUN LIKE HELL because the alarms are so outdated, when you actually hear the the sirens, you are ALREADY IN DEEP SHIT).
[] You think Abraham Lincoln was named after the capital of Nebraska.
[X] "Little Smokies" are something you serve on special occasions.
[] You think the "Red Sea" refers to the football stadium on Saturdays.
Total: 2

[X] Using the elevator involves a corn truck.
[X] You know cow pies aren't made of beef.
[] You actually buy manure.
[X] You can tell the smell of a skunk and the smell of a feed lot apart (absolutely!!)
[] You consider any building a mall, if it's bigger than the local Wal-Mart.
Total: 3

[X] Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. (This has happened to me way too much).
[XXXX] You know several people who have hit a deer. (The number one reason in Nebraska people get full coverage insurance).
[X] Your school classes were canceled because of the cold.
[X] Your school classes were canceled because of the heat.
[X] You switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day (have done this this year, prior to the move).
Total: 5

[X] You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition... Example: "Where's my coat at?"
[X] You can actually locate Nebraska on the United States map.
[XXXX] Detassling was your first job.
[X] You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
[] You can't understand why Johnny Carson ever left.
Total: 4 (I was thinking of adding an extra point here because I attended the high school where Johnny Carson donated money to give us a tiny little theater for our acting club)

[X] You laugh at people who drive under 50 on gravel roads
[X] You learned the finger wave at an early age
[] You think vegetarians shouldnt be allowed in Nebraska
[] You eat at Runza at least once a week
[X] Your mail comes addressed with your name and your town and you still get it
Total: 3

[] Its called pop.
[X] You bring your groceries home in sacks
[X] You don't have an accent and are proud of that (I have heard we do).
[X] Out West refers to western Nebraska
[X] You can draw the state outline without looking at a map
Total: 4

[X] You're proud of things invented in Nebraska....Kool-Aid
[X] You think nothing of Hooker County (FOR REAL...there is also a county called CUMING county, and it appears as if the town blew any city funds they might have had for a huge sign stating the name of the county...).
[] You wear Husker Apparel to Church (NEVER, but I have seen this more so than anything else)
[] You refuse to get married in the Fall in fear of missing a football game (PEOPLE SCHEDULE THEIR WEDDINGS AROUND THE GAME)
[] You believe Nebraska really is the good life and could never leave (I already left).
Total: 2

(Bonus Points for ME:  Add 2 for taking Auto Mechanics in high school)

Grand Total: 32

Now Multiply by 2  = "I'm 66 percent Nebraskan"

11:33 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Reposted from a Previous Life

The Smell on the Church Bus

My mom made me have Holly sleep over one Saturday night,

and she slept all night on my cat instead,

and killed it.

Theres something wrong with your cat,

she said, pointing to his stiff body, stiffer than

any other dead thing I ever came across, stiffer than

dead birds, a bat in the alley, a skeletal fluff

of something near the edge of our street,

and some squirrels.

I didnt want to touch him, not because he was dead,

but because I could tell his petrified, raised paws

tried to push her large body off his and

because I knew he had to have smelled her until

he died, all his breaths breathing in that smell,

until it rubbed off on his fur and he smelled liked her.

I still had to go to church. Everyone knew

if I wasnt there, since my dad was a deacon

and also drove the Church Bus.

Dad made me sit by Holly that Sunday,

as if her killing my cat wasnt enough.

She hummed a tune I didnt recognize until

I told her she smelled like shit.

5:15 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Out With the BOYS means STRIPPERS!!!!!
Current mood: drunk
Category: Parties and Nightlife

I have learned a couple of things.  I learned today that if you have never worn panty hose since you were ten and called them, "tights" that you DO NOT attempt these at home 1/2 hour before giving a speech at gradutation.  Yes, I barely got them on because of a miracle. 

Instead of the gradutation speech I gave (see earlier blog), I should have said screw it all, and where are the dollar bills?  I have to say it was fun though.  The boys made me give out dollar bills all night, even though I refused a lap dance.  I HAVE NEVER ATTEMPTED THIS BEFORE.  I wasn't sure where to put the dollar bill.  Hahahah. Yep.  It was funny.   Yes, it was a had to be there.  Thanks Aaron, Chad, and Kelly for all your experience in this department.

9:52 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Graduation Speech!

Graduation Speech for Pharmacy Class 2006

I remember the very first day of our first pharmacy class in G9 and I sincerely believed the next four years were going to last a lifetime.  And then when Mr. Hospodka walked through the doorway and first spoke to us in front of that classroom, and I thought I could not meet a more intimidating person, I finally admitted I was truly scared.  I had no idea if I was really cut out to be a pharmacist.  I thought to myself, how am I going to make a difference? And I believed that now one would remember me anyway.  I could take any job and make a fair living.  But thats when I also realized that I had in front of me an opportunity that many will never experience.  Regardless of my personal fears, I embraced the opportunity, and that first year I also persuaded you to vote for me as your Class President.  I promised that the road ahead of us would me made easier, and that we would be remembered as the class of the voice of the individual, the class that makes a difference.  As a class, in many ways, we have already accomplished our goal.  Tonight, I read to you a poem written by Charles Bukowski.

Unlike Bukowski, we dont have to worry about meaningless, empty work.  All of us who will be graduating tomorrow have been given a gift, where we will continue to give back to our communities.  Many have exciting careers ahead of us, and one thing that I hope you have learned from this class of 2006 is that we care about the individual.  Its the individual patient, whether in community, hospital, wherever.  The individual is the common denominator that makes us professionals when we choose to continue to honor our Pharmacy Oath.  Our 12 hour nights have a purpose, meaning, and we are lucky for that opportunity.  However, many of our patients will never have had the same opportunity, yet they will still be our patients.  Why?  Because our profession is built on empathy and trust.  Creighton, this Jesuit institution has helped each one of us discover the very meaning of these words in our own way, with our own path.  And by just fulfilling our roles as pharmacists, we can also help our patients realize their own purpose, just like Bukowski did when he walked out those factory doors.  We are now.  We will continue to leave our mark and make a better world for the individual.  And to my father who came straight from his own 12 hour nights because of his four children:  I am so proud to be standing up here.  Standing up here today, I represent you as well, and anyone else with 12 hour nights with a dream and inspiration:  You too can make a difference, and thank you for helping each one of us realize our potential.  Turns out those 4 years will last a lifetime for each and every one of us.  We have already been touched by magic.  I wish all the graduates good luck tomorrow, and the very best in all that you do.  May God bless you.

1:17 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The Fall of 1982
Category: Writing and Poetry

The Fall of 1982

In the fall I notice more than anything

the smell of the cooling earth and pumpkins,

and its the same

smell I remember as a kid

when my sister and I buried ourselves

in a huge pile of brilliant, dead leaves,

back in the Fall of 1982,

when her red hair was even brighter,

back when everything wasnt perfect,

like the picture my mom took of her

smiling from under the leaf pile,

when I could tell from her smile that she forgot

the neighbor girls wouldnt play with us,

and how she had to endure her glasses,

and my old Wal-Mart jeans,

in the same way we wished penny counting days

would get buried and pushed down,   

with everything else that was slowly going into hibernation,

so that under those dead leaves,

Fall actually meant something new.

11:21 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I AM DR BEERY TOMORROW
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

I am scared to death.  I have a speech.  Let's not forget the speech.

1:58 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

GOT TO READ THIS!
Current mood: drained
Category: Writing and Poetry

This is my favorite ALL time piece EVER written by ANYBODY.  I swear.  Thank God for Charles Bukowski.  I certainly am a big fan of his lately...hmmmm.  Either I am on Bukowski or a Hate Me kick.   I like to think Bukowski, but it's probably the later.

The Genius of The Crowd

there is enough treachery, hatred violence absurdity in the average
human being to supply any given army on any given day

and the best at murder are those who preach against it
and the best at hate are those who preach love
and the best at war finally are those who preach peace

those who preach god, need god
those who preach peace do not have peace
those who preach peace do not have love

beware the preachers
beware the knowers
beware those who are always reading books
beware those who either detest poverty
or are proud of it
beware those quick to praise
for they need praise in return
beware those who are quick to censor
they are afraid of what they do not know
beware those who seek constant crowds for
they are nothing alone
beware the average man the average woman
beware their love, their love is average
seeks average

but there is genius in their hatred
there is enough genius in their hatred to kill you
to kill anybody
not wanting solitude
not understanding solitude
they will attempt to destroy anything
that differs from their own
not being able to create art
they will not understand art
they will consider their failure as creators
only as a failure of the world
not being able to love fully
they will believe your love incomplete
and then they will hate you
and their hatred will be perfect

like a shining diamond
like a knife
like a mountain
like a tiger
like hemlock

their finest art

Currently listening : Foiled By Blue October Release date: 04 April, 2006

3:34 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment