Poop by any other name is still poop...

CAUTION! GRAPHIC KID/POOP TALK TO FOLLOW!

I have always found poop funny. It's not that I have a kinky fetish with poop, just that I find the word and the "forbidden" social status of pooping hilarious. The uncomfortable person sitting in a public stall trying to get their business done all the while trying not to make so much as a sound only to fail miserably... FUNNY!!! Or the person we've all heard that has no qualms about pooping in a public restroom and just letting loose and maybe even trying to start a conversation with the person trying to get their business done quietly... REALLY FUNNY!!! Like I said, people, poop and pooing has always made me laugh just a little.

That is until I had kids...

My oldest (5) has Downs and didn't quite understand or grasp the concept of poop being a bad substance to play with. I won't go in to details but it took until just recently to get her to see that poop is bad. There were many intermediary disturbing episodes while working on this with her though. Man, I still have nightmares about those episodes. But with some hard work and bribery we got the situation handled.

Well, here's the story that I have been building up to that I need to share. It is a poop story that just... well, you'll see.

About a month ago I was watching both of my girls because the wife had to work late. No problem, I love spending time with just the 3 of us. We get to do all of the things the wife doesn't let us do when she's home. At this time we had also been potty training my youngest. This means we have one of those little kids porta potties in the kitchen so that we can get her used to using a potty and doing the process on her own. She had been doing quite a good job at this as well.

Well on this particular day I had just finished playing with the kids and found myself in need of using the restroom; and I'm one of those guys that reads for a little while and takes a good 15 minutes in there. So I'm sitting there and I hear a knock at the door.It was my youngest,

"Daddy, I have to poop." she said.

Well I sure wasn't done in the bathroom and I knew from the sound of her voice that she needed a facility rather quickly. So I told her to use the one in the kitchen that is usually reserved for 1 and I immediately heard her little foot steps as she ran to do her business.Whew! crisis averted. Or at least that's what I thought.

Not too long after she had run off I heard her yell, "Daddy you need to wipe me."

Damn, I wasn't quite ready to leave my spot so I told her to hold tight for a sec while I finished up. This is when the horror started.

As I was cleaning up I heard my oldest yelling at my dogs. I could tell this only because I could hear the dog's names in the yelling but couldn't quite make out the rest. But from the sounds of it my oldest was really mad. My youngest happened to be screaming bloody murder while this was going on too. I was moving at light speed by now and had almost lost a certain piece of my anatomy to the zipper of my pants. I burst through the bathroom door and rushed to the kitchen to find...

Hold on a sec, I need to breathe before I continue.

All right let me lay this out as if it were a snap shot. I stood about 15 feet from my daughters. My youngest was bent over at the waist with her hands on the floor and her butt up in the air about a foot or so in front of the porta potty; she had obviously been crying. My oldest was to her side locked in a dirty battle with my Black lab retriever mix. They were fighting for whatever was in the dog's mouth. And lastly there was poop ALL over the porta potty.

Yes, this really happened.

Apparently , as my youngest had finished and had called for me to wipe her she had gotten off of the potty and stood waiting for me to wipe her. My dog decided that that day was the day he'd get to the poopy prize in the potty. As for my oldest... She was trying to stop Dugan (my dog) from "Playing with poopy" and had tried to get it out of his mouth.

OH MY GOD!!!

My oldest while trying to stop the dog had gotten it all over her and the dog. It had gotten on the youngest during this battle as well. When I got closer I saw that it was on the cupboards and floor as well. And to top it off... I finally figured out what my oldest had been screaming...

"POOPY BAD DOGGY! NO PLAY POOPY! DUGAN NO PLAY POOPY!!!"

I was alone that day. In more ways than one. I can't let go of the hell that I lived through over the next 2 hours as I cleaned up after the "Battle of the Poopy". I had just finished cleaning as my wife walked in the door. 2 hours to clean up...

I no longer find poop so funny. It is a torture device. God's cruel and unusual punishment for my selfish need for pooping.

I hate poop.

And I'm now an Atheist.

I hate poop.

7:05 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

For Wolfpack Players...

There comes a time when you have to make a choice about your future with any organization.

7:20 PM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

I am a sociopath! YAY!!!!
Current mood: amused
Category: Life

Every now and then I get addicted to online "Tests". You know the type. They have no scientific method or results that come close to being accurate. I still love doing them. It makes me an internet junkie, I know. But come on, we gotta have a few vices.... right?

Well I took one of those tests that tells you if you have a social defect... I'm a sucker for anything that could show me what my "issues" are. So here are the results. And yes, I LOVE THE RESULT OF THIS TEST!

So I guess I could be a Serial Killer. I've always wondered if this was a good vocational avenue for me... Maybe it's time I look into it. Well it did say I could be a criminal mastermind as well. That seems a little less...gory. Hmmm. Well that's all for today folks.

Brad

6:20 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

My Journey into another medium...
Current mood: excited
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

As an artist I know the pull others like me have to experience other forms of art. I'm a musician who is also a writer. I also love to paint terribly. No  not a terrible love of painting, I mean I am a TERRIBLE painter. I still love it. AND NO I WON'T SHOW YOU ANYTHING I'VE DONE! I see this tendancy from many of my writer friends as well. There are quite a few writers that I know that are making the jump into film via the Writing Process. They difference is in the final medium the work ends up in. They are helping write a movie. The end result of which of course is... wait for it... A movie.

Well, last Thursday I was presented with a chance to join these other writers in their Filming Endeavours. BUT it's not quite like what they are doing. Nope. I'm going to be an ACTOR! Nothing big though. And it's not even a movie; it's a commercial for Qwest.

Yup, Qwest. we've all heard of them. The funny thing is I got the role on looks alone.

Here are the qualifications for the role:

1: Over 6 feet tall.

2: Over 300 pounds

3: LOOK BEATIFUL!

Ok I threw that last one in there, forgive me. But they saw a picture, and of 30-40 of us I was chosen as one of 12 Football players in the commercial. How cool. I know many of the other Manly Men that they were considering and none of them made it...

I plan on bringing my camera with and getting some shots of the process and will then post them here. There are supposedly going to be REAL PROFESSIONAL Cheerleaders there in the commercial too. I get plenty of screen time and set time with them... You can imagine that I'm excited about that as well.

Anyways, I'm off to bed because it's a 7am call and the location is through Rush-hour traffic making it an hour long drive.

Take care and watch for the pictures of my Small screen DEBUT...

Brad

Currently listening : Phobia By Breaking Benjamin Release date: 08 August, 2006

6:14 PM - 6 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Selfish or Self-sacrificing
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Life

Sorry I've been gone for so long. There are so many things going on in the outside world that it's been hard to actually sit down and blog... or write. In fact I really don't have the time to be doing this right now but there's something that's been bothering me and I wanted to put it out there for digestion.

I believe that I am more "Selfish" than anything else. I think there are some other labels you could use for me but the one I see most is my selfishness. I don't regret it. I gave up on the whole "trying to please others" crap quite some time ago. Everything I do is generally based on what's best for me and my family. I guess that my selfishness extends beyond myself a little bit, but it really is focused.

I have found myself in an odd position lately though. I am part of somethings where I have to make a choice between what I want and what's best for the whole. Please understand that this situation is not life threatening or really all that big of a deal. I just have it on my mind as a matter of Principle and Ethics.

As part of my black and white view of the world I tell myself that I shouldn't be in a position where I have to settle or  be/do something I just don't want to. The problem here is that I actually care about this situation and would like to be involved, just not the way that I have been. Am I being clear?

Let me see if I can give an example:

Let's say that I had gone to medical school and studied to be a Surgeon. I get hired by a hospital and show up for work the next day and am told that I'll be an ER Dr. instead. No surgery.

Not realistic but close to what I'm trying to get at. In the example I'd have gone to school and theoretically became very good at what I wanted to do but now find myself skewed to another related position. I'd still use my talents in the field, just not where I wanted to be. I'd still be able to help people in the ER. I'd be part of the Hospital Apparatus that heals people. The thing is... I'm a Damn Good Surgeon. My talents could be used to better results in the opperating room as opposed to the ER; but the hospital needs me in the ER because they don't have enough ER doc's and the Surgeons are used to working harder as it is.

In the above example I could a) Tell the Hospital to put me in the place where I could best be used. Or... b)Take the position I don't want nor am as qualified for and wait for the Surgery Spot to open up at a later date.

I could do what I want to do and spent so many years working toward... or... Take one for the Hospital and do what they need.

A quandry. I'm really not used to thinking this way. At any other time in my life I'd surely have just said "put me where I'm best suited or I'll go somewhere else." But now, if I do that, I'd be letting the Hospital down as well as all of the employees who I've come to know and respect.

Principle or the Hospital...? Self-serving or Self-sacrificing...? Personal ethics vs. Social Responsibility...?

So, my friends, what do I do? I've obviously not specified what I'm talking about as there are many people on MySpace that are familiar with the "Situation." Since I'm involved in many things it's easy to be vague. That and none of the readers of my blogs are actually involved... so. What do you think?

Thanks,

Brad

7:04 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Two in a day... and this one is about writing. Finding time to write actually.
Current mood: confused
Category: Writing and Poetry

Football and trying to scrape together enough work(Self-employment is great when you actually MAKE money) to pay the bills has kept me from writing as much as I should have been doing. Both FB and finding work are very time consuming as well as physically/mentally draining. The last thing I want to do after beating myself against other men my size is sit down at the laptop and write. Actually that's not completely accurate. I may want to but my body tells me that I'm wrong and that I just need to shower and then veg on the couch. Being that I have a Love/Hate relationship with my will power I never can tell when I'll be able to fight myself to sit and write.

By the way... I have two daughters as well. Yeah. They are 2.5 and 5. So when I'm able to just veg and avoid writing I have to keep them entertained as well. I don't regret this time at all either. I guess I don't really have a lot of... me time. Or time just to spend alone with my wife. Hell, we talk more after we've gone to bed than during the day. All of our updates on life and the kids and whatever shitty thing happened to us that day get talked about after 11pm every night. And that's early for us. I'd almost say that midnight is closer to reality.

So when does someone like me get time to write? I realize that if I want to write I have to prioritize it. I have to make a specific time to write and just write... but it's tough.

One of the problems(excuses?) I've run into is that I am terribly UN-creative during the day when I have the most time to write. Ask Joe Lawson how often I message him and we talk about the books or life or just about anything that just isn't getting work done. I've tried writing during that time. Nothing good has come from it. NOTHING.

If I train myself to write during this time will it become easier? And what gets writen actually be keeper material?

I'm around my laptop almost all day. I use it for work. When I watch tv or eat dinner it's on and sitting on my lap. Hell I draw all of my cabinet jobs on it too. It's a major part of my life, I just don't write as often as I should.

Are there tricks to this? I want to get past this damned First draft and get it to the test readers asap but the way it's looking I'm not gonna have this writen for another couple of years. THAT is not acceptable.

What do you guys do? Or is there really no excuse for me putting off writing but my own mind making excuses for not getting it done?

What do you think?

Brad

Currently listening : Twelve Year Silence By Dark New Day Release date: 14 June, 2005

6:24 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Ooops. The Pardigm shifted without a clutch...
Category: Life

At 31 I'm firmly planted in the middle years. Not quite young enough to fit in with the teenagers or 20 somethings and just too darn young for the old timers. I don't for one moment regret my age or the awkward age group I'm in. Well maybe one... The 18 year-old girls now-a-days are MUCH better looking than they were when I was 18... But that's another topic for another day.

One of the things you get to experience as you get older(if you planned properly) is the chance to use (abuse) your disposeable income. I use that income to head to the cabin for as many weekends as I can during the year. The kids, dogs, my Wife and I love the chance to escape from the city and just, well, do nothing. We fish. Which entail the use of rods and hooks but no bait. Really it's more just an excuse to be lazy on the boat for hours and be able to give an exceptable reason for being out there acting lazy. The dogs aren't fenced in. They have the run of Northern Minnesota.

Well, after my game on Saturday(Which we won 26-3 by the way) I drove to the cabin where my family had been since Thursday evening. I arrived 4.5 hours later, 2:30ish, and promptly joined the whole crew at the bonfire. After regailing the ones brave enough to stay awake so late with my Sack during game we just sat there watching satelites zip across the sky. Very cool.

Well one of the people at the bonfire was, let's see if this makes sense: My wifes uncle's best friends daughter. She's 23. Her 24 year old boyfriend was ther as well. We got to talking about the movie Annie. I know what you're thinking... and no I'm not the Annie fan. My kids LOVE the movie. Almost as much as they love Cat in the Hat. They had seen Annie as children but remembered very little of it specifically. This by itself isn't a big deal. There are millions of people that have never seen it, let alone enjoyed it enough to watch it a second time.

What amazed me was that when my wife and I brought up some of the actors that were in the movie they looked at me like I was speaking another language.

They had never heard of TIM CURRY. Bernadette Peters. Carol Burnett they knew, but only the name, nothing else. 

Tim Curry is one of my favorite actors. Mostly because he was in so many great movies as I grew up. I can't tell you how many times I watched CLUE with my brother when we were little. Rocky Horror Picture Show? The man is amazing.

Bernadette Peters and Carol Burnett fal into a different catagory though. They starred in many things before Tim Curry broke onto the scene. But even I knew who they were when I was younger.

Bernadette Peters was in Silent Movie and The Jerk. These are classics in every sense of the word.

And really... Ms. Burnett... She's just an Icon.

This got me thinking though. Who else hadn't they heard of...? Mel Brooks? Nope. Carl Reiner? Nope. Rob Reiner they knew. But not from Spinal Tap, from Sleepless in Seatle.  Dick Van Dyke? They asked if he had been a guest on scrubs... He had, but if that's what you remeber him for you've never seen Him in  action.

There were so many actors and things from my childhood that were HUGE, MASSIVE and CULTURE CHANGING but they'd never even heard of most of it.

They didn't know who said, "Mr Gorbechav tear down this wall..."

or who Max Headroom was.

John Candy's name drew blank stares.

Rick Moranis was the Shrunken Family Dude.

Gene Wilder... The original Willy Wonka. Nothing...

Richard Pryor? "Didn't he blow himself up with crack or somethin'?" arrghh.

Or that New Coke had ever darkened our fridge's...

Mark David Chapman?

John Hinkley Jr.?

Capt. Lou Albano?

NO! NO! and NO!

I'm shocked. All right, Capt. Lou Albano really doesn't qualify for Culture Changer. I just really liked him when I was younger. And if you don't know his name... He was involved with WWF WAY WAY BACK and wore rubberbands all over his face and head... and body?

Anyways. I know all of the current POP Culture Movies, Songs and Celebrities. I also remember the days when there were GODS of acting, music and change that make these current people seem... Trite.

Am I really getting old or are the youngsters of today just ignorant?

And do a public service today. Rent CLUE and tell me it wasn't a Great Movie.

Hell, pick up Blazing Sadles, Silent Movie, History of the World, 3 Amigo's, Ghost Busters, Armed and Dangerous and tell me that movies of today are better. Yeah the picture quality may be better but if you've never experienced Frankenstein Tap Dancing to Puttin' on The Ritz you haven't lived.

Oh shit! I'm OLD!

7:42 PM - 8 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Does anyone hear you scream when you get sacked by a 300 pound Lineman?
Category: Sports

So I'm going to dispense with the good news right away so I can get right into the photo's. We are now 2-0. Everyone in the League and the area didn't give us a chance. We are un-FUCKING-defeated! Done with the outburst now...

On to my part in the game. I'm a lineman. More specifically an Offensive Lineman. This means that it's my duty, along with 4 other big guys to protect the quarterback long enough so that he can get the play off successfully.

The problem is this: there are no stats that show how good we really are at our jobs.

Quarterbacks have QB Rankings.

Wide Receivers have catches, yards and TD's.

Runningbacks have Attempts and Yardage as well as TD's.

The whole Definsive unit has stats for QB rushes, Tackles, Sacks and so on.

 The O-Line has nothing.

I suppose you could keep track of how many times our QB was sacked or rushed but those are general stats and not really linkable to a specific lineman. Not always. The point is: The glory is never on us. We get to celebrate a win, sure. We feel bad when our QB gets sacked but in the end we just have to be there and kick ass without any tangible numbers to show how good we are.

No, I'm not whining. I know that without the O-Line there is no Offense. Terrel Owens wouldn't ever catch a ball if his O-line doesn't provide the time needed for the QB to throw the ball to him. So I KNOW what service I provide. It's, without being cocky, one of the most important positions on the team.

Having said that... I'm, well... A Glory Hound. I really, REALLY like being the star player. Tough for a man my size, I know. There is a position for someone my size though. One that provides tangible stats and glory. Defensive Tackle. I played this throughout High School. I was a Fullback and D-Tackle back then. Yeah, I liked it because I could produce big numbers on both sides of the ball. I'm good at both of these positions, still. Very good. (Don't forget, I have a LARGE EGO)

On this team though I'm needed on O-LINE. But, I am a backup D-Tackle. This keeps me rested for Offense where I'm needed more. On Saturday they needed me to go in as a D-Tackle for two plays in the 3rd quarter. I was STOKED! The other team was near the End Zone and they needed a big guy to stop up the middle. ME! :) Smash'em and hit'em. This is why I play.

My 2 plays ended rather well. The first one I pushed TWO of their O-Lineman into the backfield into their QB. The QB had to run the other way and threw an Incomplete Pass. HEHE. Yeah!

The second one? Well... That's where the Pictures for today come in. The pics show the progression of the play; from just before it starts all the way through to me smashing someone. Yup, the Quarterback. I got the sack. That means I have a tangible stat to my name. And now for my little bragging moment... In the GLORY! (Feeding my ego maybe?)

I'm #77.

4:25 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Brad Svenson 3:19
Category: Life

Did anyone catch the Steve Austin reference? It took me a while to figure out a quirky title for this blog and this is where I ended up.

Well, it's official. While at the Podunk County Hospital (I don't remember it's real name) with a possible broken arm from the Football Game the staff had to get normal vitals and such. My BP was high (I had just had 4 Cigarettes during the 30 minuter drive to Podunk); my heart beat and oxygen levels were ok and I weighed 319 lbs... Huh? 319?

YES SIRS and MADAMMES I have officially lost 41 lbs in the last 3 months or so.  I couldn't believe it. 41 pounds. Think about how much forty pounds is. My daughters individually weigh 35 pounds. 40 pounds of Potatoes is quite a few. Forty pounds of anything is quite a bit.

So after I got home I picked up some of my old 20 lbs weights and tried running around the house with that original weight. Holy shit! I can't believe I actually functioned with that much extra weight let alone tried to play Football.

It's been a good year for me. I plan on keeping this up too. another 40 lbs in the next 2-3 months. 280... 260 by the end of the year. 280 is my goal for now though.

Anyways, I just needed to get excited in a pulic way because I lost 41 f'ing pounds! Thanks for dealing with me on this.

Thanks from the "Oh so-much-lighter",

Brad

3:45 AM - 5 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

First Regular Season Game and WE.....

F'ING WON! Yes the other games we played don't count towrds our record. This game though... It sure does. That means we are technically 1-0 for the season. That's awesome.

No pic's of any of my injuries this time though. I'll just tell you that the paramedics thought my arm was broken and it turned out not to be. Not gonna dwell on the specifics... Why? BECAUSE WE WON AN AWAY GAME! We drove 4.5 hours to play this game and beat the pants off of the cheatin' bastards. They were dirty. Not the "I'm gonna get you next time!" hit, but the "I'm gonna break your ankles and the ref's aren't gonna say anything!" Type. Hehe, we won still. You'll see in the slideshow a progression of pictures showing a series of plays where it's clear how they operate.

Check it out. Plus I promise there aren't as many ASS shots of me this time. A couple, just not as many... LOL

Here ya go:

8:23 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment