Guys Like You Make Us Look Bad

So part of me doesn't want to write about this, but another part of me tells me that I need to vent, get it over with, and never mention it again because all of this is beneath contempt. Here goes.
I have completely severed ties with my old roommate Matt. He has completely lost his mind since Dawn left him, which was a good move on her part I think. After they broke up, he went into a huge tailspin of depression. I understand being upset at the end of a relationship, and I understand all of the frustration and hurt that goes along with that, but Matt remains his own worst enemy. He would sit and cry day and night until someone would notice and then he would cry on their shoulder and ask what he was supposed to do. This went on for two and a half months solid. During this time he also stopped sleeping in his bed, because it "reminded him too much of her", even though it was his bed and had been for years. Instead, he spent every night in the living room, sleeping on the couch she gave him. Wouldn't that be more of a reminder? Around Christmas time, which was over a month after they broke up, he spent over a thousand dollars on Christmas presents for her and her two kids, even though they weren't together and she was with someone else. Her rejection of these gifts (which he never reclaimed, even though he was broke and unemployed) caused him to get angry and send her so many irate text messages along the lines of "hope you and the new guy are using protection" that she finally had to have his number blocked. He started going to church, which seems good until you know that the church he was attending was between his apartment and hers, so he took advantage to spy every chance he could. This would lead to more crying and angry text messages. Just a week or so ago, he gathered up all of the pictures they had taken together and created a slideshow, and sat in his room balling his eyes out watching it. Bear in mind, they broke up in November.

Now he's decided that my decision not to pay his bills while he's chasing empty promises and letting real opportunities to better himself pass him by is the real reason for his unhappiness. He also recently informed a (formerly) mutual friend that he could no longer be friends with him because he was friends with me. Matt says "my friends aren't friends with Dave". What a douche! To be fair, I have a similar rule about my friends that goes like this "My friends are all old enough to decide who thye hang out with on their own, and if I don't like their other friends, that's my problem.". The manipulation and audacity of ideas like that are Matt's stock and trade. He badmouths any of his friends who don't live their life according to his strictly defined but always slightly skewed principles, such as "it's wrong if you go home and drink a case of beer every night, but spending $50 on pot is perfectly fine". Then when he doesn't get his way he gets pouty and doesn't talk to anyone until he forgets why he was mad and starts whining about how he doesn't have any friends anymore.

Really, the only question that remains in my mind, is why the hell did it take me so long to wake up and get my life in order so I didn't have such a draining, negative influence around?

2:50 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

LOOK AT ME

I know what everyone is thinking, "What the hell happened to this guy??" Internet went byebye, and I've been sort of doing other stuff. I will be back eventually, just don't know when. I know it's hard, but please try to carry on without me.

Corey and I have been working out, and I've lost around twenty pounds. We're trying to go from "30% More Dave Free!" to "New, Reduced Fat Dave!" and having a bit of luck. Been doing a lot of hanging out lately, and have also started training again. I will probably be heading up to Warrior Way to recommence my jiujitsu training, because in the immortal words of Rick, jiujitsu misses me, and I miss it.

I will make an attempt to check things on here from time to time until things are fully functional again, at which point you can look forward to the constant harassment and rambling diatribes that are part and parcel of knowing me. Until such time, be safe and well.

8:19 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Recognize

     Around the time of the most recent UFC, boxing fans and pundits have been throwing out their tired rhetoric again. "Boxing is scientific, MMA is just brawling". I say to the people who believe this, please stop crying, clean the sand from your collective vaginas, and get with the times.

    Boxing as a sport is dead. Between the blatant corruption of promoters, the lack of big name fighters, and the lethargy of the sport, it's fan base has trickled away. When is the last fight that you thought you really had to see? Probably Tyson's first fight after he got out of prison right?

    Mixed Martial Arts is much more scientific than boxing. Anyone who has ever wrestled (real wrestling, not WWE rasslin') can tell you that fighting on the ground, even in it's simplest, is probably one of the most difficult and cerebral forms of fighting that there is, hands down. The offense is tougher, the defense is tougher, it's like a chess match where you get to move as many times as you're able to before your opponent can. Brazilian Jujitsu allowed 5'6" 140 pound Royce Gracie to mop the floor with a Sumo wrestler, and Ken Shamrock, and damn near every opponent of every size that was presented to him in the mid to late 90's.

    Kickboxers are, pound for pound, the best conditioned athletes on the planet. Grapplers are a very close second. The physical condition of MMA fighters is infinitely better than even the best of boxers. They may not look it, but having chiseled muscles is not an indication of true physical fitness. Don't believe me? Please watch UFC I, where Royce dominated the boxer that he fought. Joe Louis, one of the legends of boxing, ducked out on fighting Royce's father Helio.

    Boxing fans and promoters are upset and bitter, watching their fanbase shrink and come and join the much more exciting, unpredictable, and strategic sport of MMA. Thank you Don King, for all the new MMA fans!

6:28 PM - 1 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

And now..... Deep Thoughts

     This blog is getting done differently from the way I normally do them, but you'll live. I'm tired, but can't sleep, and I'm going to tell you people all about it.

    Today sucked balls at work. There is one program that needs to be functional for me to do my job. There was one program that was not functional for most of the day. Because Jesus hates me, naturally they were the same program. So I wandered the building and pestered Richard for most of the morning, then we switched to our Plan B. Our Plan B is of a scale of ineptness that George Bush would envy. That's all I have to say about that. Except that Wednesday is going to be totally gay. It's going to be gayer than the time your gay cousin came to town, who's name is gay.

    Went to the dojo today for a bit. It was just me, so I took the opportunity to kick the crap out of the punching bag. It was about an hour or so after I got home from the dojo when I realized that there is something very not right with me. Do you know what my favorite part about training is?

    My favorite thing about going to the dojo is this: when I get home and have had a chance to cool down, I love noticing all the little aches and things that I feel afterwards. In one sense, it points me in a direction where I know that I'm doing something wrong, and I need to correct it, but more importantly, it stings a little. I like that. Not in a "Hey I want a woman to beat me with a whip" kind of way, more like when you have a sore tooth and you can't stop touching it.

    I recently finished reading the novel Fantomas by Marcel Allain. If you like really bizarre books, pick this one up. It's about a master criminal who may or may not exist, and if I tell you much more, I'd have to explain the entire plot.

    Finished watching Series One and Two of the new Doctor Who, and I forgot how much ass that show kicks. When I was a kid and watched that show, Daleks made me a little bit afraid of the salt and pepper shakers.

7:41 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Psychotherapy

    Short little blog today, I'm feeling a bit under the weather. And by under the weather, I mean incredibly hung over.

    While those who have known me a long time may wonder how this could possibly happen, I came to the conclusion that I'm getting more and more odd the older I get. Case in point, last night: I decided to violate doctor's orders and get blotted. I really don't know where to start, the odd dancing? No, I cannot dance. Yes, if I attempt to dance I will go out of my way to make it so over the top that your eyes may quite possibly explode. Or perhaps it will feel like weasels are tap-dancing on your eyelids. Regardless, it was quite amusing/disturbing.

    Hands down the oddest part of my behavior last night was that, for some reason that I myself can't fathom, I started talking in a really bad Irish accent. But it wasn't as though I decided, "Hey, I think I'll look like a huge doofus and pretend to be Irish," No, after a bit of time, it was more along the lines of "My god why won't I stop doing this?" The only times that that really stopped was when I went directly from the lame Irish accent to an equally lame impression of Tupac. Please don't ask, it seemed perfectly logical at the time.

    So this, combined with the suicide attempt from last weekend, have led me to believe that I'm becoming crazier as time passes. The Prozac… I need some!

1:08 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

The Day I Tried to Live

    So yesterday I decided to try and kill myself. I'm better now, but it seemed perfectly logical at the time. OK, so maybe it didn't really, but I'm not all that bright sometimes. Here's how it went down.

    Matt S bought himself a fairly awesome new boat, and he wanted to show it off for Ken and me. So we went out on the boat, and for some bizarre reason, I decided that it would be a fantastic idea to go tubing. In thirty-five to forty degree water. With the temperature in the low seventies. After my abortion of an attempt at getting on the tube, I settled in (improperly) and we were off.

    First off, my nuts were smashed repeatedly, and the cold water made them retreat so far up into my scrotum that I don't think they're ever coming back down. Inevitably, the tube flipped, and I was left in the water before Matt and Ken could circle. Now a word about Dave and swimming.

    I am not what one would call a skilled swimmer. As I have explained to several people, what I do in the water isn't really swimming, it's more along the lines of not dying. While I will never be a good swimmer, I'm a world champion at not dying, as evidenced by the fact that I'm typing this blog and not being eaten by fishes in Lake Erie.

    Ken made the proper career choice in working for the bank, as he will never be tapped to be a paramedic. He did try, but Ken is a spaz, and he has a miraculous touch when it comes to things like this. Unfortunately, the miraculous touch he has is for everything he touches to go poorly. Just because something is bad doesn't mean it still can't be miraculous. Imagine the odds of a bolt of lightning coming down from the sky and striking a tree. Now imagine the odds of a tree branch falling from a tree and smashing a moving car. Now imagine the odds of those two things working in tandem. Not a positive thing, but still pretty damned miraculous if you think about it. But I, as I so frequently do, digress. Ken attempted to throw me some rope to haul me back into the boat. He was holding part of the rope, and he tossed part to me and I grabbed another piece of rope. Alas, they were two different ropes. Finally, with much panicking by all, I was able to get back onto the boat, and not only did I not drown, I also didn't freeze to death. We parked the boat for a bit, had a couple of beers, and headed back to blessed, blessed land. Good times were had by all.

    Today, we dragged Angry Chris to the gun range to shoot with us. Corey brought along a target with shooting tips on it, and with that I was able to figure out why I can't seem to hit anything. Knowing now what the problem is, I'm able to start correcting it. Chris bought a target that had a man holding a very oddly shaped woman hostage. When Chris shot the aforementioned target, he put one round into the kidnapper, in his forearm between the two bones. The other eleven rounds he put into the hostage. Be thankful that Chris is not tasked with saving hostages. When I shot at this same target, I put nearly the entire clip into the kidnapper's throat. I'm glad that I'm better at shooting than I am at swimming.

    For now, I am weary, and I wish to rest.

2:08 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Fuel

    How many people are going to participate in the "boycott" of gas stations tomorrow? If you are, you do realize that something like this will in no way do anything to gas prices, right? Come on, let's think about this logically people. You're still using the oil companies product, you're not curtailing your use any, you're just changing the day on which you buy it. By this same logic, I've been boycotting the gas station for three weeks now. If you really want to make an impact, stop driving so much. If you stop using so much gas, then it might hurt oil companies bottom line.

    And another thing, when did Al Gore become a climatologist? I'm neither confirming nor denying the existence of global warming, but I'm sure as shit not going to believe something that a washed up politician has to say about the subject. As bad as George Bush has been, Gore would have been worse. You know those little Parental Advisory stickers on all the music that you listen to? His psychotic wife Tipper is the one who headed the campaign that ended up with those. That was a compromise however, as she wanted the offensive lyrics removed from music entirely. While I'm of the opinion that it's possible to get an artistic idea across without the use of profanity, that's my opinion. If you want to hear a ton of swear words in music, good on ya!

    Why the fuck are the people who are most "concerned" about global warming, animals, and the environment always the ones driving the biggest SUV they can find, driving all over the country to get to all of their rallies to conserve resources? If you're driving an SUV, or are (like AL Gore) flying around the country on speaking tours, don't presume to tell me that I'm wasting resources by driving to the store on the corner instead of walking. You've just countermanded everything else you have to say. By that one rampant display of hypocrisy, you've invalidated all of your opinions, and everything you say becomes like a turd falling out of your mouth.

See you in line for the pumps tomorrow!

2:29 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Float On

    Since yesterday's post was all about movie that are steaming piles of suck, and I'm all about balance, today I will post a list of my eleven favorite movies of all time.

11. Henry V This is the only film taken directly from a play by the Bard on this list. I'm referring to the Kenneth Branagh version of course. "And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by from this day until the ending of the world but we in it shall be remembered. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers, For he today who sheds his blood with me shall be my brother, Be he ne'er so vile, this day shall gentle his condition, and gentlemen in England now abed shall think themselves acursed they were not here, and hold their manhoods cheap whilst any speaks, that fought with us upon St. Crispin's day!"

10. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure Yes, god help me, I love this movie. It's so over the top oddball, and the fact that the movie never really tries to be serious make the idea work. "There are strange things afoot at the Circle K."

9. Spaceballs A lot of Mel Brooks films could make this list, but I'm picking this one. First, I am a Star Wars geek, and this movie does a fantastic job of lampooning it. Second, Rick Moranis is awesome as Dark Helmet. Finally, gratuitous Planet of the Apes reference at the end. "I bet she gives great helmet."

8. Tombstone Kurt Russell/Patrick Swayze star as Wyatt Earp, fighting a gang of cowboys. Val Kilmer steals the show as Doc Holliday. "You know, Frederick FUCKING Chopin?"

7. A Nightmare on Elm Street Just the original. The Sequels dilute what is actually, in the first movie, a damn scary plotline. Go back now and see the awful outfits Johnny Depp has to wear in his big screen debut.

6. Captain Blood Errol Flynn, aka the greatest action hero of all time, stars as a doctor turned pirate. "For those of you who aren't English it means a chance to fight for Captain Blood *and* the loot you find on the French ships!"

5. A Fish Called Wanda A diamond heist gone bad. John Cleese dragged into the middle by a manipulative Jamie Lee Curtis, who ends up falling in love with him. The best part is when Cleese discovers that Jamie Lee is turned on by people speaking in foreign languages, strips while speaking a plethora of different languages, then the family that really owns the time share that he's in shows up, complete with kids.

4. The Hidden Fortress Akira Kurosawa could have also had a number of entries on this list. This movie inspired George Lucas to tell the original Star Wars tale from the point of view of the droids. The scene where the two peasants fight over the gold they find in the stick before the general shows up is great.

3. The Great Escape My personal favorite World War II movie. Star studded cast led by Steve McQueen, Richard Attenborough, and James Garner. They play air force pilots trapped in a Nazi prison camp. Steve McQueen playing baseball in the cooler is fantastic.

2. Braveheart What can I say? This movie makes me want to do grievous bodily harm to English people, even if it's not all that historically accurate (such as leaving the bridge out of the Battle of Stamford BRIDGE).

1. Harvey This is the best movie of all time. Jimmy Stewart plays a rich man who has an invisible friend, a six and a half foot tall rabbit called a pooka that has magical powers. His family tries to get him committed, but his actions make people change their minds and see things in a more positive light. "Harvey's not only overcome time and space, he's overcome any objections."

3:58 PM - 1 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Harvester of Sorrow

    There is a very bitter, angry, and self loathing part of me. I had to come to grips with this last night. Those who know me well, know that there are times when I subject myself to inhuman tortures, things no man was meant to endure. Last night, while on the internet, I found and watched the movie Cool As Ice starring Vanilla Ice. I'm not sure why I do these things to myself, but I'm compelled beyond my will to resist. I know that some are shaking their heads and thinking "What did you expect, it was a movie starring Vanilla Ice?", but it was so much worse than that.

    Because no one demanded it, I'm going to give you guys a list of movies that I've forced myself to sit through. Maybe my suffering can save you. I don't like doing top ten lists, so I'm going to do a top eleven. That way it is divisible neither by five, nor by two. Up with prime numbers!

11. Point Break Keanu Reaves is the worst actor in the history of ever. Watch Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, then watch any other movie that he's ever been in, and you'll agree that every character he plays is secretly "Ted" Theodore Logan. This one makes the list because it also stars Patrick Swayze, or is it Kurt Russell? Who knows, they're really the same guy.

10. The Terminal No, this movie did not have a good plot. No, it was not based on a true story, but a really lame urban legend. It did, however, have more blatant product placement than any other movie I have ever seen.

9. Escape From L.A. Apparently my hometown of St Louis was crappy enough to be New York in the original movie, but not crappy enough to be L.A. Patrick Swayze, or Kurt Russell (whichever one wasn't in Point Break) stars as a gravelly voiced "hero" who has to save the President from the prison colony that L.A. has become after earthquakes separate it from the U.S. I'm making this movie sound way better than it really was, and this is one of the two movies that I actually paid money to see.

8. Slave of the Cannibal God Some Finnish woman you never heard of stars in this terrible rip-off of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Lost World. The only thing I took from this movie is an unhealthy dislike of Finnish people.

7. Hunchback of Notre Dame (Disney version) Victor Hugo's tragic masterpiece is reduced to a campy kids movie. If you don't agree that this is a bad movie, please never ask me my opinion on Hercules.

6. Wizards The is an animated film by Ralph Bakshi, the guy who animated the Lord of the Rings story eons ago. This movie is about Nazi elves who control people's minds with a magic film projector. Yes, you read that right.

5. I Know What You Did Last Summer Horribly bad slasher movie that tried to capitalize on the success of Scream. There are two reasons to watch this movie, and they're both under Jennifer Love Hewitt's shirt.

4. Matrix Reloaded Everything that was good about the first Matrix was undone when the Wachowski brothers vomited this garbage onto movie screens across the country. Added Bonus: starring "Ted" Theodore Logan!

3. Werewolf vs. Vampire Women This one is even worse than the title implies. It's a low budget European horror film that features a werewolf fighting off hordes of bloodthirsty vampire women. Hence, the name of the film. None of the vampire women are particularly attractive either, so it doesn't even score points on the Gratuitous Boobage scale.

2. Cool As Ice Thought it would be #1 huh? Nope, as bad as Vanilla Ice playing a "tough" motorcycle thug who steals a spoiled white broad away from a rich white douche was, it's still not the worst movie I've ever seen. That makes me sad.

1. Disco Godfathers aka Avenging Disco Godfathers Rudy Ray Moore (Shaft) stars as an ex cop nightclub owner trying to shut down a ring of PCP dealers. The only redeeming feature of this film is Shaft going up to people dancing at the club and telling them to "Put your weight in it! Put your weight in it!"

4:02 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

The Kids Are Alright

    I found out Friday that a woman I used to work with is pregnant. This is itself is no big deal, however, she hasn't been pregnant long, and says that she can't stand the father. Now she says she's going to make his life miserable until he leaves her. As an added bonus, she couldn't stand him before he knocked her up. My question is this: if you don't like someone, why would you sleep with them? Don't get me wrong, I like sex as much as the next person, but I'm not going to sleep with someone that I don't want in my life in some respect. It's one thing for your feelings for someone to change after the fact, that's life, but to hop into bed with someone that you don't like to begin with, that's a bit silly.

    When I brought this up to a female friend of mine, she started to jump down my throat, saying that men have been doing things like this for centuries, and if it's ok for a man to do it, it's ok for a woman to do it. This is an extremely weak argument, because nowhere in the above statement did I say that it was ok for a man to sleep with someone just to get laid. I agree, it has to be ok for all, or it's not ok for any. I fall firmly in the latter category. In our society, a lot of our values and mores are based upon instant gratification, and you see how that's worked out for us in the last twenty years.

    Another one that bugs the hell out of me is when something terrible happens and people suddenly get all concerned about "the children". "How many children were hurt???" "But what about…. The children???" I hate these people. How old does someone have to be before they come off your little love list? Twelve? Thirteen? You either love people in general or you shut the fuck up. Where the hell are these people when a homeless family is starving to death? Are those children less important? What are the requisites to get onto your protected list?

    Final thing for me to bitch about today, why do people think that kids are stupid? Kids are smart. They're the only people that I know without a full time job or kids. They're sharp I say. They know what you're doing, even when you don't think that they can possibly know. If you go into the garage to get high because you don't want them to see or know what you're doing, guess what? They know, and that undermines any anti-drug statement you can make. My oldest brother (he was a teenager when I was born, so he was obviously in a position of authority over me as a kid) used to do that, and even though I don't do drugs today, it's not because of anything he said. It has more to do with me not liking the taste and smell of weed than anything else. Another good one that I heard is a wife who hated her husband, and the husband felt the same, and they cheated on each other mercilessly. They had decided that they were going to stay together until the kids were eighteen so the divorce "wouldn't hurt them as much". The real effect of that idea is teaching your kids that it's alright to lie and cheat, and when you finally do get the divorce, it's going to devastate your kids. A good friend of mine from high school's parent's did this. When Kevin and Matt were eighteen, they divorced. We're not sure who got Kevin's sanity in the divorce, but I'm still holding out that they'll give it back to him. Young kids are resilient to hardship and tragedy, much more so than teenagers or adults. A seven year old will adapt to changes that would break an adult. It's much better to be upfront and honest with your kids, because then the lesson that they learn is that it's right to be upfront and honest. I know it's hard, because you have all the things that you love and want to do, but you have a burden of responsibility. Don't tell a kid one thing and do another, a large portion of a child's learning is by imitation.

Currently listening : Black & Bluegrass: A Tribute to Ozzy Osbourn & Black Sabbath By Iron Horse Release date: 09 March, 2004

6:39 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment