Gender: Male
Status: Single
Age: 31
Sign: Taurus
City: STATEN ISLAND
State: New York
Country: US
Signup Date:
03/17/05
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Blog Archive
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Friday, July 27, 2007
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Why?
why are personal trainers routinely the smallest guys in the gym? do they give those shirts out at the front desk? 'ok wait.. so if i do this exercise, i'll look like you? ... no thanks.'
why do the shittiest cars have the most unstable alarms? i mean, they go off if you drive by the friggin thing... or if you just look at them.. which happens twice an hour.. i would think that if you were the unfortunate owner of a shitbox car, you would pray to god that someone would take that thing off your hands... for real.. go leave it running in front of a meth clinic or something..
why do nightclub promoters take themselves so seriously? do they realize that people don't go out because of them? does anything scream 'i need to do something about my social life, preferably something at night, that will require no discernable talent at all', more than a promoter? and no matter what, if you're invited somewhere by a promoter and you don't go, and then you ask them a couple days later how the night was, you already know the answer: "HOLY SHIT!! YOU MISSED THEEEEE NIGHT OF THE YEAR!!!!', even if the place most closely resembled a
memorial service.. man, just be honest if it sucked..
why, when trying to make contact with extra-terrestrials, do people assume that they speak the same language as us? americans who use radio frequencies to send out messages into space, do so in english.. 'we are your friends'... um.. what? apparently they believe english is spoken throughout the galaxy..
why can cartoon characters often defy the laws of gravity as long as they are unaware they are doing so.. they can walk off of buildings and continue walking on air as long as they don't realize that their feet are not actually touching anything any more.. or, if they're walking inside a giant loop or wheel/tire, they can actually keep walking until they are vertically upside-down.. but the second they realize it, they crash to the earth.. i don't know about you, but if i was a cartoon character, i would never look down...
8:02 AM
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5 Comments - 8 Kudos
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Monday, April 23, 2007
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Probably going to hell for this, but...
Current mood:  confused
.... i often get caught at a light near my house.. on the service road.. there's this guy there in a wheelchair holding a can asking for money.. prime real estate for beggars, apparently.. he has no legs.. i'm sure there's a story there, and i feel bad.. i've actually given him money more than once.. but even if you don't, you feel kinda guilty.. i always seem to be stopped directly in front of him, and if i'm not in a charitable mood, i don't even look his way.. avoiding eye contact at all costs.. the last time i stopped at this light right in front of him was one of those times.. i stared straight ahead.. eyes on the minivan in front of me.. all of a sudden, i hear the guy start talking.. i'm still staring straight, thinking.. he can't be talking to me.. is he verbally asking me for money? this is completely out of character.. he usually just sits there and rattles his little can.. why so aggressive today, pal? so i inch up a little to try to put him behind me, and when i do, i continue to hear him talking.. but at least, it became obvious that he wasn't talking to me.. who could he be talking to then? i hadn't a clue.. the car behind me? himself? the latter wouldn't be a total shock to me, given his circumstances.. but just as i was about to chalk it up to a one-person, two-way conversation, i saw a blue flash in his ear... wait.. what was that? it can't be a bluetooth, can it? well, this is staten island.. of course it could be, as the light flashed again and he continued his conversation..
this man who rolls his way to this traffic-heavy intersection has a blue tooth.. can he afford such a luxury? really? i don't even have a bluetooth.. what the f? he's clearly doing better than me.. so it got me thinking... how can this man have a friggin bluetooth? what's the need? you're sitting on the side of the road begging for change, YET YOU HAVE A BLUETOOTH?! really started getting me mad.. and maybe i'm out of line for suggesting this, but.. if you can roll your way to a corner, why can't you roll your way to a real job? get a desk job? christ.. you're already sitting...just roll into your 9-5, punch in.. roll up to your computer and do some secretarial work.. answer some phones.. clearly, you've already mastered the telephone.. i'm sorry, but i don't want the homeless people that i give money to, to have better gear than me.. maybe that makes me a bad person.. i don't know.. but, seriously.. how can he have a bluetooth?
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Currently
listening
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All The Stars And Boulevards
By
Augustana
Release date: 06 September, 2005
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5:43 AM
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5 Comments - 6 Kudos
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Tuesday, September 19, 2006
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You owe me, (unnamed comedian)...
Current mood:  savage
This blog is not intended for anyone specifically.. ok, ok.. i'm lying.. right out of the gate.. the first sentence i typed is a lie.. it IS intended for someone.. but it is someone who will remain nameless..
there are now 'Myspace Music Profiles', as many of you are aware.. i'm sure you've been inundated/tortured by "LaLa's Basement" invites and such.. but NOW, there are 'Myspace Comedian Profiles'.. i will address the latter, but only briefly...
Just a brief background.. this nameless comedian posted a bulletin with the title 'Funny', and encouraged users to view his video and comment on it.. this would have been my comment, if i had the balls...
In response to your 'Funny New Clip'..
right off the bat, i have to say that i'm offended that you thought that this would be funny to me.. i am truly insulted.. let me set the stage for you.. i started watching it after a night of drinking, having had to take a cab home from the bar.. THAT's how drunk i was.. at that point, an episode of 'A Small Wonder' with Vicki the humanoid girl and her family keeping her amazing secret from the rest of the world would have been the funniest thing in the world to me.. so, i decided i could use a good laugh before went to sleep, but instead, i watched your 'funny new clip'.. for the record, you stole 10 minutes of my life that i can never get back, plus the time it's taking me to write this response so that other people are not afflicted with the same form of punishment that i had to endure... consider it public service.. you did do something that i thought was impossible.. similar to the sight of a 4am check point after a night of drinking, by the time i finished watching this clip, i was completely sober.. you offset 5 jaegerbombs and 8 mixed drinks with 10 minutes of footage.. you are easily the least funny comedian to date, and it's no wonder that you're still trying to get a kick start to your career via myspace as opposed to touring the comedy club circuit.. That being said, that is a feat in and of itself.. comparable to a person in a superbowl box with the worst numbers who wins a small consolation prize simply because everyone knows they have no chance of winning, there should be some type of award for you as well.. There was nothing funny about the clip at all.. well, the only the part that was funny was when i imagined you and your cameraman reviewing the footage, thinking 'ANNNNNNNDDDDD CUT!!!! THIS ONE'S A KEEPER!!! GREAT JOB EVERYBODY!!'.. oh, wait.. that wasn't funny either.. that was more an emotion of, 'I wonder when the people in charge at the group home are going to realize that these two mongoloids have escaped the grounds by hotwiring the little yellow bus'... what's the emotion for THAT called? maybe i'm not articulate enough to describe that emotion in one word..
furthermore, i wish a horrible and torturous death for you and anyone close to you who had the opportunity to prevent this madness from continuing, but instead probably gave you the encouragement which led to you to go through with this horrible idea that ultimately ruined my night..i would not mind if fire was involved in some way.. i must stress that i feel that you should never post again.. ever.. don't even respond to this message... just disappear for good..
Thanks
Mike
Seriously though... don't these people have friends? or are these friends the same people who contribute to 'American Idol Audition Syndrome'.. you know what i'm talking about.. 'You can do whatever you set your mind to'.. 'You have what it takes, honey'.. are these people sadists? do they get off on having their friends, sons/daughters humiliated on national tv? what you SHOULD be saying is 'There isn't a chance in hell that you are going to this audition.. i'm not even kidding a little bit.. if you leave my eye-sight for a minute while American Idol is in town, i will kill you myself.. I will put fertilizer in your grits'... 'Think about our family.. you are going to embarrass everyone with the same last name.. e-even people who aren't related to us but bear the awful fate of having the same last name will have to alter their lifestyles until this dies down.. your children will never respect you if they ever see these tapes.. wow, listen to me.. children?! i mean, who knows if you'll even be allowed to have children.. i certainly couldn't condone it if you want my honest opinion, but that's another topic altogether.. if by chance, you are allowed back into the gene pool, you of the 47th, and by God's good grace can trick someone into procreating with you, your children will grow up knowing that their parent is a complete zero.. how can you demand respect when you get laughed out of the room by the judges? Your future will contain many suicide attempts, none of which will be a success because you have never been a success in anything you have ever done.. you suck at life, and this is no different.. you will probably have kids that hate you, leading to you becoming a degenerate gambler, incurring massive amounts of debt, leading to you drinking a bottle of johnny walker, downing a bottle of sleeping pills, only to be revived in the hospital, but being clinically brain-dead, living out your days in a vegetative state, with negative brain activity..why do you think you can succeed in an area in which you actually need a god-given ability, when you're so tone-deaf that you think this might be a good idea.. i mean, is it really worth it?'... or something similar to that.. but, like i said.. for some reason, these people are encouraged to 'go in there, and give it your all.. show the world how talented my baby is'... 5 minutes later, they come out of the room, in tears, having wasted everyone's time, going on and on about how the judges don't know talent when they see it, despite their collective 60+ years in the industry, knowing what it would take.. i'm still waiting for the first album by a scorned American Idol hopeful.. 'I TOLD Y'ALL YOU'D BE SORRY!!! I KNEW I WAS A STAR!! I KNEW THE WORLD WAS WAITING FOR A HUMAN BEAT BOX WHO COULD DO THE RUNNING MAN AND HULA HOOP AT THE SAME TIME!!! WORST SINGER IN THE WORLD, EH, SIMON?!! REALLY?? LOOK AT ME NOW!! F YOU RANDY!!.. I always liked Paula though.. RYAN, GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH!! AND TO ALL MY FANS, MY ALBUM DROPS NEXT WEEK.. BE SURE TO PICK IT UP!!'
yep, still waiting for that day...
7:46 PM
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3 Comments - 4 Kudos
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Monday, March 20, 2006
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Greatest News Clip Ever?
Current mood:  amused
This could be the greatest news story ever... keep watching this, i think it gets funnier and funnier.. he's pretty animated... really wants to show you what he did, i guess.. make sure there's no questions left about what happened.. whats this guys story?
http://www.nbc.com/nbc/Video/asx/Outrageous_TV_Moments/mom_202_giggles_reporter.asx
7:57 PM
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3 Comments - 2 Kudos
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Friday, February 10, 2006
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Random Ramble...
Current mood:  sleepy
this story is about nothing.. i just had to mention that awkward situation when you see a horrible horrible looking person at the mall, at a restaurant, at a bar... there's something terribly hypnotizing about them, but at the same time it makes you vomitous... like a gory car wreck.. you don't want to look, but you HAVE to... you can't take your eyes off of them, cause you can't believe they look that way... but everytime you look over at them, there they are.... staring back at you... and then you know that they think you like them.. why can't these barely human creatures just realize that they would probably look better if they presented the back of their heads as their face , and let me look FOR ONE FRIGGIN' MINUTE... that's all i want.. ONE MINUTE of dissecting whatever it is that makes you look like you were thrown from a horse and landed face first on the spurs... that's it..
10:13 PM
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6 Comments - 6 Kudos
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Wednesday, December 21, 2005
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A&F
Current mood:  bored
Abercrombie and Fitch....
Current mood:  bored
I'm sure that one of these days Abercrombie and Fitch will design a wardrobe for men... seems to me that if you stop growing when you're 12, you'll have no problem finding clothes in their stores... but once you hit puberty, they're no longer interested in your business... clearly management has isolated prepubescent males as their target demographic... interesting...
I think Abercrombie's XL are for extra large midgets.. the over-grown variety... you know, the ones that you see walking around, where you're not really sure if they're a full-fledged midget, or just a small person with an abnormally fat head and ridiculous looking hands.. the ones that can't get jobs on tv scaring people because they're too big, but at the same time can't find a date unless they're at a midget singles party.. which do exist, as i have personally been kicked out of one after stumbling upon them after making a wrong turn looking for a bathroom at a wedding last summer (technically, the attempt was made to kick me out, but i did not accept the 'offer' to leave before i had my knee caps broken by a flying-midget-jumping-off-of-a-table-kick).. apparently the male midgets saw me as a threat to their 'little ladies', most of whom prefer a REAL man, such as myself... that's right, midget, i'm talking to you... after informing them that 'this is a free country' and i had no plans on leaving, they became very hostile... after some words were exchanged, things got heated... next thing i know, 4 of them stack on top of each other, chicken-fight style, forming a giant mega-person.. the one on the bottom grabs a chair, which is passed up to the midget on top, via the middle midgets.. the one on top starts wielding it at me, cursing in midget (i didn't even know they had their own language.. trust me, they do)... i'm pretty sure the one on the bottom was in charge, as he was barking out orders... 'What'd you say, little guy? I can't hear you all the way UP here..'
so, then the bottom midget grabs another chair and passes it to midget number 3, who starts using it as a shield.. then number 2 gets one, and finally one for himself.. let the record show that this in no way was a spontaneous response to my presence.. it's this storyteller's belief that they had practiced this many times before, even used this Mega-Midget attack on other unsuspecting 'giants'.. or F*&^ing A$$holes, as they call us.. anyway, after countless years of playing video games, i knew that my only chance against such a formidable opponent would be to take out the lowest one first, and work my way up.. MISSION: Destroy Midget Foundation, I would later call it...
After successfully thwarting midget 4's attempted attacks with the chair, i was still searching for a weakness... just picture the scene, if you will.. me, against an 8' tall super-person... a 'Voltron' of little people... using my lightning quick lateral movement, i eluded midget 4's chair swing.. I took note of how slow the group was to turn after using my explosiveness to avoid and confuse the little guys... it was then that i decided to use my blur-like quickness in combination with my experience as a place-kicker, having tried out for the London Monarchs of the WLAF back in '94 (little known factoid about yours truly) to my advantage.. after another attempt by midget #4 and his chair, I quickly positioned myself behind the stack of midgets and kicked midget #1 across the room, knocking him senseless as he hit the wall and slid down very slowly... i was down to 3.. while they were distracted by the sight of midget #1's descent to the ground, i let midget #2 know i don't play around by quickly grabbing him and punting him against the ceiling... he got all flat from the impact, but after snapping back into midget form, he eventually crashed against the ground.. he, too, was out like a light.. i knew this because he had "X"'s instead of eyes.. so, i was down to 2.. 'My, how the tables have turned', I said, as I stared down at the now smaller than me shortstack... 'Do you guys come with bacon?', I mocked, which drew a huge laugh from the room.... what I did to the final 2, is the stuff of which legends are made... i ordered myself another drink, and with one hand sipped my rocks glass, and with the other hand i blocked a chair attack, grabbed said chair, yanked it up in the air, sending midget #4 straight up in the air, broke the chair over my head, threw the debris at midget #3, which both knocked him unconscious, tearing up ground as he slid to a stop, and landed around him like a coffin, plucked midget 4 out of mid-air, sat him down on the chair next to me, bought him a drink, because i'm a nice guy, stole it before it hit his lips, asked him if he wanted it, laughed, put it back in record time, spit it on him, asked him how it tasted, laughed again, snapped his neck like a twig in 3 different spots and then threw the carcass in the coffin with #3... all in one motion.... well, after seeing this display of masculinity, you can rest well knowing that the remaining "Smen" as i call them, short for Small Men, ran and hid.. and the ladies? well, let's keep it clean on here and just say that everyone had a really really really really really good time that night.. overall, it was a good time.. shortly after that i returned to the wedding.... In conclusion, A&F really needs to start making clothes for the male population... don't get me angry...
7:18 PM
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3 Comments - 7 Kudos
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Thursday, November 17, 2005
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Classic....
Current mood:  enraged
you're in an office building.. i guess could apply anywhere though... you press the button for the elevator... you're the only person there.. waiting, waiting.. nothing... then, someone else comes over to wait too... and then THEY go and press the elevator button too.. oh, the elevator is unresponsive to my fingers? STEP BACK jackass... you think i'm standing here, not making sure that i pressed the button, you schmuck??!!
F'in retard.... and THEN, to top it off, now it's just you and this moron with 47, who thinks you hang out by the elevators all day, and someone ELSE comes by.. and you know what they do.... they press the button.. as if the 2 of us standing there turning around in circles, trying to be the first one to see the light go off, signaling the elevator is here, have failed to grasp the concept that the button needed to be pushed for elevator service... and it never ever ever fails... this happens every day... sometimes i'll stand directly in front of the buttons so people can't get to them, and guard that thing with my life... do it.. watch how antsy people get... they try burning a hole in you with their eyes... what's wrong with people?
6:54 PM
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4 Comments - 6 Kudos
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Monday, November 14, 2005
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Random thought...
TOE PICK!!!!!
6:43 PM
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1 Comments - 0 Kudos
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Friday, November 04, 2005
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Worst song ever...
so, basically, when i got an IPOD that held up to 5000 songs (people still shake their heads when they hear how many songs an IPOD can hold... CHRIST, it's been around for like 3 years now.. get over it), I was like.. '5000 songs... damn.. i don't think i even know 1000 songs i would want...'
SO, i thought i was a smart ass, going to websites like www.lyrics.com and literally making up a spreadsheet of all artists i needed to download songs by.. the list consisted of about 1200 artists... i hate most of them. i just figured, what the hell.. i have the room...
so, i start downloading songs like i'm getting paid for it.. i'm at roughly 1700 songs.. and i'm nowhere near even halfway through my 'ultimate artist list'... anyway... i don't think i ever realized how many songs SUCK... not suck... SUCK.. like, holy S*%T, this song was released? HOW!?
i'm on the express bus this morning.. running late as usual... (I was late 50+ in one semester in HS... sorry Mr. Guss)... i didn't have the luxury of being able to wait for the next bus... i get on, and, of course, i wind up standing... i'm thinking, as long as i have my IPOD on, it doesn't matter.. the time will go quickly...
i could not have been more wrong..
because it was so tight on the bus, and the bus driver was auditioning for some type of bus stunt-driver of the year award, unbeknownst to me, i had no access to my IPOD because i was holding on to the overhead compartments for dear life.. i'm not kidding when i say that my fingernail marks are permanently embedded on that bus..
so, i'm listening to 'Rock' songs.. it goes by 'artist' in alphabetical order.. it's at 'D'.. this is true.. i'm listening to "Del Amitri".. they couldn't be gayer, i know... BUT.. once the song mercifully ended, i was excited to hear what the next song would be...
Don Henley.. SWEET... Boys of Summer.. respectable, no? good stuff..
life was ok once again... but alas, i wish my story ended there...
my bus driver must have realized i was back on top.. he quickly pulled a maneuver that would have made Super Dave proud, jerking the wheel so hard, everyone on the bus let out a simultaneous 'WHOOOAAA!!'.. me? i completely lost my balance.. was pushed up against the seat i was standing next to, my jacket zipper whappin some kid in the face... that was far from the worst part about it though..
of course, OF COURSE, i hit the seat precisely where my IPOD 'next song' button was... what came next will forever make me enraged when i hear this song...
now, i know alot of you are probably fans of 'The Doors'... why? i don't have a clue.. when i heard the awful muzak-style organ... OMG, i'm listening to it right now, just to recapture the feeling i had, and i want to break things...
'LIGHT MY FIRE' is the WORST F'ing song i've heard in my entire life.. not only does it SUCK, it was EXCRUCIATINGLY LONG AND PAINFUL..
while i was listening to it on the bus, i was like.. 'this is a test.. it has to be a test to see how much i can tolerate'.... i'm not kidding, i would rather listen to a loop of dialogue from 'The Runaway Bride'...
just incessant awfulness... it's like the worst possible sounds of every instrument were captured to make this perfect storm of suckiness in one song... for that, The Doors must be commended... it's eerie.. i heard better music when i was forced to listen to my friends play 'drums' consisting of upside down empty spackel buckets, banging bikes with sticks, looking around the garage to come up with lyrics, freestyling, if you will, rapping about grease rags and stolen cadillac emblems, all in the same line.. yeah, it was pretty horrible.. BUT, i would rather listen to that dirtbag than The Doors...
does anyone have an idea how long these assholes made 'Light My Fire'?
7 MINUTES!! WHY WHY WHY... as if the song isn't bad enough when there are lyrics, there is a 4 minute breakdown of this awful organ solo... it gives me gas pains thinking about it... this 'solo'... it's putrid... it makes my insides hurt... it's absolute torture.. i'm not even kidding a little bit about this: i think this song may have been written by some type of interrogation organization... i would break as soon as i heard the first chord... i would tell you anything you wanted to hear... sign whatever you want me to sign... please JUST STOP THE CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT!!
Needless to say, after my one last time listening to it, it was removed from my computer...
the end...
2:21 PM
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3 Comments - 4 Kudos
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Tuesday, November 01, 2005
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Starbursts....
If someone asks you for a starburst, and you give them a yellow one, you are a scumbag...
6:13 PM
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3 Comments - 4 Kudos
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