Happy Dick Hunting Day
Category: News and Politics

http://mth.typepad.com/mth/2007/02/happy_dick_hunt.html

Yeah, I know Dick Hunting Day is a lousy name, but we really do need to remember that it was on February 11, way back in 2006, that our Vice President, Mr. Dick Cheney, shot Harry Whittington, a man who I hope is cursed with many more shootings. How can he possibly sleep at night knowing that he has denied us all the joy of seeing Cheney sued for what happened.

Some might want to downplay the incident and say shooting someone is merely the type of thing that happens when bad intentions, bad execution, dishonesty and not knowing what you are shooting at come together, but they are wrong. Good luck was also a crucial part of the equation in Kenedy County, Texas.

Bad luck will give something like Iraq.

6:20 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Most people in the U.S. appear to not watch the Super Bowl
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

http://mth.typepad.com/mth/2007/02/isnt_bush_suppo.html

I find it interesting that it seems like just about everyone talks about the Super Bowl as something that just about everyone watches on the telly and yet, according to the AP (February 7), Nielsen Media has said last years game was watched by "only" 141.4 million people in the land of the free, with an average of 90.7 million people watching at particular points. These are impressive numbers for a show, but still less than half the country watched any bit of the game.

I have tried explaining this to people in recent days, and years, just as a way of bringing up something new to conversations about what to eat at gatherings I'm not invited to and who is going to win the game, but nobody wants to believe me. I guess I could carry the documentation with me, but that would defeat the point in my not very humble opinion.

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If I ever call Janet Parshall up...
Category: News and Politics

http://mth.typepad.com/mth/2007/01/if_i_ever_cal_j.html

Janet Parshall's America is a great radio program featuring a delightful mix of conservative Christianity and right wing foreign policy. Listen to the program and you will find out that fossils prove that the Great Flood created the Grand Canyon and also that America can not afford to fail in Iraq and thus will not do so.

One thing that really does upset host Janet Parshall, and rightfully so, is when losers bring up WMDs and right. She will shut them right off and go on a long, less than historical, rant. Parshall is good at those, so it would be foolish of me to call in and talk about that, or anything else that puts a negative light on how wonderful the war on terror is going. So, instead, I think I would like to give her a ring to say:

Hello... Yes, it is an honor to speak with you Janet. You are truly doing God's work.

I don't understand why all these people have to criticize our president. Can't they see that he is doing a good job and nobody has attacked us since September 11th? I'm really afraid that Americans have forgotten their history and will spit on our returning heroes again just like they did in Vietnam.

Parshall would then thank me for being a great Christian patriot who doesn't fall for the lies of the mainstream media.

The only real question would be, would Parshall think I'm stupid?

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Micah responds to something a great man has written
Category: News and Politics

http://mth.typepad.com/mth/2007/01/micah_responds_.html

I try not to spend much time reading blogs dedicated to abusing, injuring and killing people as life is short even if you are not a stupid Iraqi, but sometimes I temptation gets two or three evil claws on me and I do. I certainly try to not bother responding to them, because doing so will not do any good. There is no room for dialogue as I do not understand their perspective, which is not for a lack of trying, and basically assume that they must be dishonest and/or stupid. But then sometimes I just give in...

Author, blogger, columnist, radio talk show host and former Reagan appointee Hugh Hewitt (January 24) is adamantly against the U.S. Senate passing a non-binding resolution against the surge/escalation/whatever exactly you want to call the plan from Bush that is just so certain to solve, at the very least, the most important problems of Iraq. Such a plan, Hewitt writes, will inspire "the enemy" and give it the extra bit of confidence needed to kill more of God's greatest people. (Fuck you Iraqis!)

This confuses me. I thought they were already so evil that they want to kill us all and that we have occupy Iraq to keep them from doing so. I thought they hated us because we exist and that nothing we could do had any effect on them, but hey, as I wrote above, I really do not understand the mindset of people who write stuff like this.

So anyway Hewitt –who keep in mind gets paid for this kind of material- is now passionately urging and encouraging others to urge Republican senators to filibuster any resolution that does not tell our troops they are doing a great job because they are doing what our great president tells them to do, or something. Although this is opposition to a resolution that would have no impact on U.S. foreign policy, the brilliant thinker knows the stakes are high (January 24):

At some point, all the Senators who are involved in the debate on the Anti-Surge resolution will have to face the light of history. If the surge succeeds, there malfeasance will be mere footnotes to history...

But if the surge fails and the war effort fails, history will wonder why these Senators went so out of their way to undermine their country effort at such a pivotal time. History will ask why they thought it was critical that they show to our enemies and our soldiers their lack of confidence and resolve.

In other words, if you disagree with plan, you should keep your mouth shut as nobody will care if you are wrong and, if you are right, it is your fault that you were right and America lost.

There is no room, in the outlook of Hewitt, for opposition to the occupation that is not against the great Americans and especially the great American troops. He appears very comfortable with this limit on political discourse.

I will concede that it is very possible that Hewitt is right about how people in the future will look at things. Hewitt, for one, will certainly look at it this way if the surge does not succeed and not be without influence in getting others to take a similar view, but the widespread support that once existed amongst the general public for invading and occupying Iraq should be all the proof one needs that that the public and the elites are, at least some of the time, idiots who deserve to be laughed at.

Wait, I'm sorry. I forgot, there are some people so stupid they still do not acknowledge this.

Hewitt's speculation about the future indicates a matter of fact confidence that the current opposition to the U.S. trying to run Iraq, and be extension other countries, will not last. Does what we know now justify his confidence? Given what happened the aftermath of the U.S. experience in Vietnam as well as the pitifully small anti-war movement that now exists in the country that can never stop talking about how great it is, I would say he does.

The question is, what can be done to change the situation so that Hewitt is wrong? On the theoretical level, people need to understand that the invasion and occupation of Iraq is not an aberrancy of U.S. foreign policy, but a period that easily goes along with the larger themes.

I wish I knew how to convey that in a way that significant numbers of people, i.e. a near majority if not a majority of the outright variety, would agree with.

I wish I even believed that was possible. Hewitt is at least angry about the resolution. The same can't be said for the major Democratic activist websites.

Given how much they pushed for Democrats to take control of congress and their widespread opposition to the troop increase, one would think that there would be outrage on sites like Daily Kos, Eschaton and MoveOn.org that the Democrats are only pressing for a nonbinding resolution. However, the frontpages of these sites reveals none, unless you count a Daily Kos post by MissLaura (January 25) that notes that a binding resolution is off the table without any interest in this how this came to be. Quite simply, there does not appear to be much interest in actually ending the occupation amongst online activist Democrats. When that is the opposition as it currently exists, what hope is there inside of the United States?

6:58 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Bush fires God
Category: News and Politics

http://mth.typepad.com/mth/2007/01/a_little_notice.html

A little noticed aspect of President Bush's big January 10 sending more troops to Iraq speech is that God did not come up. Bush did not order Him to bless anybody or even mentioning conversing with The Man Upstairs.

Sources inside the White House tell micah holmquist's irregular thoughts and links that this is because Bush fired God on December 31. (Please note that God's name does not appear on any whitehouse.gov site from that date till now, January 18.)

Some would call sacking the Almighty a daring move, but God's record of advice hasn't been the best and our sources indicate that even Bush was becoming frustrated with His recommendations. As Bob Woodward recounts in his 2004 book Plan of Attack, Bush prayed to God after ordering the 2003 invasion of Iraq. Insiders says that God was angry at not being consulted earlier and was especially critical of the administrations lack of planning for tensions between the various groups in Iraq that God frequently says in the Bible are "inevitable when you get a bunch of heathens together."

Still God agreed to serve as an advisor and was a valued liaison to Bush's 2004 presidential campaign and is widely credited with coming up with the strategy of demanding that Democratic candidate John Kerry answer whether or not, he would have supported the invasion of Iraq based on his current knowledge.

In recent months, however, the relationship between Bush and God was anything but cordial. The universe's creator was especially upset when he found out that Bush was considering admitting mistakes in Iraq. Several sources say that the two were once heard loudly arguing in the Oval Office along the lines of:

God: Don't you realize how this will make Me look to Allah? I do not want to face this guy and have to say I was wrong.

Bush: Cool down there Big Boy. Maybe if you didn't always reject Cheney's great plan to just kill every Iraqi asshole, we wouldn't be in this mess.

The person who answers the White House's phone line refused to answer any questions about this matter. micah holmquist's irregular thoughts and links was unable to inquire with White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, because other reporters, from more respected news organizations, had to ask all of their stupid questions first and, according to the 48th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America, the press secretary is forbidden to answer every question that reporters want to ask him.

Our sources that wish to remain anonymous did stress that God retains His American citizenship and remains a big supporter of the home of the brave. And Bush's comment in the January 10 speech about how America is "blessed" to have soldiers may have been the president's way of mending fences.

It is unclear if the lessening of restrictions on what U.S. troops can do to defeat Iraqis before finishing the liberation of Iraqis that Bush mentioned on January 10 has anything to do with God's departure, although a popular joke amongst those who use the White House email system is a chain mail message featuring a poem entitled "Thou Now Shall Kill Lots Of Iraqis."

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How Santa helped the Nazis
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

http://mth.typepad.com/mth/2006/12/how_santa_helpe.html

I have recently been pondering three of the great age-old questions of the season:

-Why does Santa give coal to bad children? This creates a situation where naughty kids have warm houses during winter while the child with the wonderful new rocking horse freezes to death.

-Why isn't the delivery session an extremely dangerous time for Santa and his helpers? Surely there must be at least some poisoned cookies and razor blades in the carrots.

-How is it that people I am vaguely related to and see twice a year know my name while I just think of them as "that person who looks like that"?

The answer to the third question, of course, is that I am an inherently self-centered and awful person, but the other two need a longer explanation.

A close glance at history reveals that there once was a time when the treats left out for Team Turkish Saint were quite a hazard. Perhaps the most notable incident happened in the mid 1930s when the boys made a heroic journey to the land now known by all as Pakistan. Some indigenous treats were left out at the house of British official. It looked like they must have come his children, but all of the reindeer became sick after eating them. The now all but forgotten Cromwell, who was then the ranking reindeer in Santa's fleet, even died. (Cromwell went by the name Dancer. A new deer, Chalke, would take up the role of Dancer by the next year in an incident that was not widely known till The DM Look at Santa Claus began publishing in the 1980s.)

The Reindeer were all convinced that this had to be the action of The Terrorists, most likely of the Radical Islamist Muslim Islamofascist Evildoing variety, and urged that the North Pole take immediate steps to Isolate the land and overthrow its leaders. Elf officials like Opsy countered that such an action could lead to strife and civil war, which could prevent this land from becoming a site for outsourced toy manufacturing, the potential of which was just beginning to become clear to more educated North economists.

Kris Kringle wisely took the advice of both and decided on a compromise policy of bring coal to not only all the bad Christian children but also to all of the non-Christian children of the nations of the world. This policy was immediately denounced by The Weekly Reindeer as appeasement, but shockingly it worked. There were no attacks on the Jolly Olde Fleete for the next several years.

The success of this plan did not go unnoticed by Neville Chamberlain, the British Prime Minister who was also a distant cousin of Mrs. Claus. (Mrs. Claus and Chamberlain originally did not know of their kinship and as children even liked each other. Mrs. Claus' father wisely put an end to their funny business in a manner that was the original inspiration for the 1996 John Sayles film Lone Star.) In fact, Chamberlain used it to support his idea of appeasing the evil Nazis. That did not work out, if every U.S. hawk of the 1990s is to be believed. (Historians and political scientists now almost universally believe that Santa's acts of appeasement only appeared to be successful because the enemies of freedom were trying to trick Chamberlain into believing that "peace for our time" was possible. This was no doubt all a part of the larger mission by Saddam to attack the Branch Davidians, as documented by Laurie Mylroie.)

The failure of this second bout of appeasement deeply disturbed Santa Claus, but he was no diplomat or think tank fellow –and would not be till 1986 when he joined the Why We Had To Defend Ourselves Against Grenada club- and so he continued his irresponsible ways.

The times had changed, however, and Santa found his brave warriors of joy under intense attacks in areas that were evil and/or non-Christian. Many were lost and the damage would have been even greater if not for Rudolph's death ray. Before the end of World War II, the North Pole had gone back to only serving Christian households. This, combined with help from the fighting men and women of America's finest, better mapping and surveillance technology and just plain staying the hell away from Iraq and Vietnam, have meant that the missions of Santa Claus have been virtually casualty free for more than sixty years. Also, Santa Claus, the elves and the reindeer do not actually eat any of the treats that are left out for them. They are too cranked up on energy drinks and power bars. They do, for the record, annually donate all of the food left out by children or adults like me to the North Pole Correctional Facility, which is in keeping with the spirit of the season and has lead to only a modest increase in the rate of death at the prison.

And it should be noted that, despite the myth, coal is rarely given out these days. Santa instead gives out black jacks to the parents of bad kids. This is probably illegal in places like California and Germany where laws prohibiting the giving of devices such as switches as gifts have been on the books for, in at least one case, more than 80 years. Nonetheless, no charges have ever been filed.

11:59 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Here's how to fix Iraq
Category: News and Politics

http://mth.typepad.com/mth/2006/12/heres_how_to_fi.html

Hundreds of Iraqis are lining up to be the one to execute Saddam Hussein, Kirk
Semple reports for The New York Times (December 8). Perhaps they are even doing so in a single file manner, although the article, "Iraqis Line Up to Put Hussein in the Noose," says nothing about this one way or the other.

We Americans need to make it clear that there will be no Saddam execution till Iraq is perfect, or at least meeting whatever objective we have decided to be the ultimate goal at the time, and doing all of our bidding, and that the one who actually gets pull the noose should and will be the hero who conquers
Iran for us. We have to see how you do with that crazy guy with that even crazier name before we can trust with the most evil person ever, after all.

I don't think anybody can seriously doubt that this will finally get those lazy Iraqi assholes up off their asses.

12:06 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Until we recognize that OJ Simpson has a constitutional right to appear on television...
Category: News and Politics

Until we recognize that OJ Simpson has a
constitutional right to appear on television at least as much as Oliver North does, none of us are truly free

http://mth.typepad.com/mth/2006/11/rupert_murdoch_.html

I am absolutely angered that News Corp has decided to cancel OJ Simpson's book and television specials. It is outrageous that Oliver North gets more tv time than Simpson. If the football great is not part of tomorrow's Thanksgiving day NFL coverage, I say we all riot.

1:27 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Can't the tech industry come up with something better than a mp3 player? Well I can
Category: Web, HTML, Tech

http://mth.typepad.com/mth/2006/11/cant_the_tech_i.html

Have people started complaining that carrying around an ipod or such is just too much of a burden? I mean it isn't a far stretch from "compact discs and portable cd players are too heavy and cumbersome to carry around everywhere so I need something better because I can't possibly bear to spend any amount of my ever so important life with out access to great music that I love so much" to "why should I have to transport anything?"

Many will say the solution is for the files to be placed in a hard drive that has been added to one's one brain -this will also help a certain evil individual- but this is nonsense. Everyone will just say the surgery ruins their beautiful head or something.

The real answer is to create a universal soundtrack for life. Just set up stereos everywhere and play them loud. People will be loud to put in earplugs if they want to sleep, watch tv or just have quiet time. Other that that everybody will hear the same thing in exchange for not having to carry anything around.

Now, I know you all are asking, "but what if people want to talk with their friends?" You shouldn't waste your time on this because that will be outlawed as will listening to other purely audio documents. I of course have misgiving about executing people for these offenses but the law is the law.

I'm not worried that this will result in me, out of desperation, becoming interested in whatever exactly Jay-Z is rapping about, because that won't happen as I most certainly will be in control of the play list. And just to make sure that people hate it, singles will be rare. My populace is going to be listening to extend pieces of music and/or multiple tracks by the same creator(s). For instance, this month it will be all Hamid Drake, Bill Hicks and Susie Ibarra.

Yep, I think this is going to work out just fine.

2:16 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

America’s demographic destiny
Category: News and Politics

http://mth.typepad.com/mth/2006/10/americas_demogr.html

The three hundred millionth American will be a male named King and a giraffe. King will serve proudly in the U.S. Armed Forces and will use his legs to torture many hundreds upon many hundreds of terrorists in ticking time bomb situations, which allows the U.S. of A. to defuse bombs and foil terrorist attacks that would otherwise have killed every living organism on planet Earth.

Because of a civil war between practitioners of terror, however, this unfortunately means that the terrorists who will eventually drop several hundred nuclear bombs on the world, in an effort to kill every American, will not be killed and will live on to do their dirty deed of destiny. All but 37 Americans, one of whom is King, will be killed in these attacks. The 36 remaining patriots will correctly decide to hang King. This takes a bit of effort, but they get the job done and peace, love and understanding fill the secret prison in Chad where these defenders of God and freedom are located.

Three days after the hanging, a nuclear bomb kills the executioners of King and turns the once great giraffe's body to soot.

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