Whoo-hoo! We had 8 whole days of sunshine IN A ROW! And now it's back to dear old British slate-grey cloud again. Some of you will, of course, be deeply dissappointed to see that the sun has taken his hat off but not me. Being a ginger, the sun doesn't always agree with me. In fact, it constantly disagrees with me. I really liked Iron Man, the sun HATED it. Stupid sun.
When you are a ginger haired person you have to be very careful weather-wise. I normally get sunburned from the moon so I always wear factor 785 which is a blend of aloe vera and a big coat. Luckily, I'm a secret ginger. You wouldn't really know that I was ginger at all unless you drew the short straw and saw me naked. My hair might not be that red but downstairs...? Well, my testicles look like a very pretty Mick Hucknall, that's all I'm saying, guv, blimey.
Hmmm...that story was mainly about my pubes and not Madonna's pubes AGAIN. Promise to tell you all about me and Madonna's pubes next time. Until then, let me post this lovely video for you delight. Until next time. Good days.
Check'>http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=30133305">Check out this video: The
I just looked through a few of my past blogs. I thought they were alright. Think I should start blogging again? Maybe I will. Actually, I've got a great TRUE story of how I once ended up with Madonna's pubes in my mouth. that's not a lie. It's true. and, yes, it was THE Madonna. (But not THEE Madonna, as Jesus would bollock my face in). So next time I blog I'll probably blog about that.
There's an old saying in show business; "Question:Can you show me the way to Carnegie Hall? Answer: PRACTICE". Well, that certainly applies to me now because after years of being dedicated to my art the hard work has finally paid off.
It's hard to believe but I used to play little comedy clubs all over the country with barely 400/500 people coming along to watch. Not now. No, fucking Sir. This year I've been asked by Her Majesty's MySpace to perform for four days at the Edinburgh Fringe, Comedy & Debt Festival on a bus. Yeah, you read that right. A bus.
While other sucker comedians play venues with dickhead things in them like seats and headroom, I will be living it up like the Queen of Sheeba, lording around on a golden bus made of steel playing the size of venue more suited to the likes of Newman and Baddiel, in my opinion.
YES, people. MySpace are bringing a bus of mirth, laughter and claustrophobia to Edinburgh on the 13th-17th of August and, like some kind of passenger, I'll be on it. The Real Daniel O'Donnell Show (Abridged) featuring Jeremy Limb, Paul Litchfield, (maybe Zoe Gardner & Margaret Cabourn-Smith) and me will be doing the "late" show every night on the bus to 20ish luckyish peopleish. We'll have sketches, film, swearing, a bus and afterwards we'll have live music from a band who have to remain secret due to us not knowing who they are.
A lot of you have been asking me "when oh when will Michael Legge finally release a music CD of his own". Well, move over, Owen Paul, because I've finally done it.
Just like Kurt Cobain and Maureen of Driving School, I've lent my vocals to a music CD that will literally make noise come out of your speakers if inserted correctly. Baby FC, the Blonde On Blonde for a new generation, is a real CD of real football related lullabies made for real babies. Really. I sort of kind of do the commentary on it and all the music, just like Jim Steinman on Bat Out Of Hell, is by the far-too talented William South. It's the perfect CD for parents who are unsure whether or not they like their children. Will's music will soothe them to sleep while my "paedo-by-the-cot" vocals will make sure they're quiet all night long. And for months to come.
I don't really have time to write this blog today as I'm off to see THE TRAP on tour in Armagh and Enniskillen tomorrow. The Trap are the world's funniest people. Way funnier than David Baddiell and Hiroshima combined (nearly). If you live in either of those towns then you should see them too. If you don't then please go to www.thetrap.co.uk and check them out. Like I say, I'm too busy for blog writing so you're going to have to do this one yourself. I'll leave you plenty of space to write on the screen so go get a pen NOW. I'll start you off: Who in the name of Cuntitty Fuck gives one kudos? (Ok, now it's your turn)
Hope you wrote some funny stuff. Thanks for helping out. See you in Norn Iron tomorrow!
Currently
listening
:
Unrequited (Legacy)
By
Loudon Wainwright III
Release date: 25 August, 1998
I am now one of those people.
Current mood: quixotic
Category: Quiz/Survey
I own a pet. It's a dog. I like it. But I know some people who are mad and think that their dogs are people. I know someone who wanted to know where she could take her dog for swimming lessons (I told her to take a jump in a lake and she was eternally grateful) and I know someone who is convinced that his dog is addicted to Lost. They are both twats.
Yesterday, I ran a bath (because the environment is for dirty queers and foreigners) and decided to pop upstairs to check my emails. That's where I keep my emails. Anyways, as soon as I logged on I got hooked by the internet's bright colours and adult content and totally forgot that I was running a bath. Then after about 20 erotic love-minutes I heard my Dog barking, something she never really does. I thought a nasty man had entered the building but instead I saw my dog in the bathroom barking at the very nearly about to overflow bath. So now I too think that dogs are people. What a twat.
Just to prove how committed to being a dog-is-a-person twat I am I then cooked her a meal from a dog cook book. I am worse than a paedophile. Goodbye.
By the way, I'd hate to think that you might be sitting there not knowing exactly what song I'm listening to RIGHT NOW so I've joined Last.FM. I'm at www.last.fm/user/michaellegge if you're remotely interested.
Save the planet, '70's style.
Current mood: nostalgic
Category: Friends
At the last Real Daniel O'Donnell Show yet another heartfelt appeal to save the environment was made. This time, instead of a talking Irish polar bear, we were lucky enough to go back in time to 1973 and hear wise words of eco-sense from veteran actor Anthony Velvets. Here is his speech in full:
"Hello, people. My name is Anthony Velvets but you probably know me better as the lovable rogue Bob Murder from ITV's top-rated soap opera, The Ridiculous Farm.
Sure, my life is full of fast cars, faster women and even faster houses but I like to put some time aside from my busy schedule to care about something just as important as myself, Planet Earth. I starred with Barbara Bach in the action packed spy film, The Gun in Her Knickers, but did you know that the ozone layer now has a hole in it the size of a teenage horse? The ozone layer is what protects the earth from evil rays sent from the sun to destroy humans like you, me and Susan George my co-star in Screwing Atlantis. The only way that we can stop the hole getting any bigger is by blocking it. Scientists and other friends of mine at the club believe that smoking sexy tobacco is the only way to form a cloud big enough to go to space and save the earth. The sun's harmful radioactive rays are damaging the earth. It's a red hot star that grows bigger every day and scorches everything it touches. I know the feeling, sun.
It's not just heat that we have to worry about either. Cold, or anti-heat, is also a huge factor in today's environmental debate. On a recent booze cruise to the Alaska, my good friend Dr. Julius Danger proved that if mankind continues to create ice then by the year 2007 the entire planet could turn into the second ice age. And, hey, no one likes a sequel. Look at Airport '73 which I turned down. That's why from now on I like my brandy like I like my women. Straight, neat and enjoyed with a few friends. Mmm, nice. These days, unlike my second marriage to Nannette Newman, my drink is never on the rocks.
(ANTHONY LAUGHS FOR THE NEXT 28 MINUTES)
Did someone say trees? Quite. Trees and plants give off oxygen so film stars and you can breathe air. But trees in the rain forests of South America are being torn down every day so that man can sell their ivory in a black's market. Huge areas the size of my Winnebago are being torn down every day and the consequences to the environment could be catastrophic. But there is some good news; scientists believe that the rain forest is very far away.
Ordinary people, Mother Earth is an incredible, wonderful object of natural beauty. I know I would. Let's keep her that way. When it comes to the environment remember Anthony Velvets' three R's; Recycle waste, reduce waste and remember to recycle and reduce waste. See you at the club. Ciao, amigo's."
Wise words indeed. And now, the world's greatest music video ever:
I just started looking through my little notebook that I very occassionally use for writing down ideas. The thing is I rarely remrmber what I meant by the few words I've written down. Perhaps you can help? Here are a few ideas that are in my book right now;
I'm not sexually attracted to mutes. Especially ugly ones.
If you HAD to drink piss would it really matter that much whose it was?
Is White Awareness Month racist?
Paul McCartney has found happiness with his new girlfriend, it's what Linda would have wanted. That and a really big cure for cancer.
Does fancying David Tennant really make you that gay?
One of my wife's ancestor's is called Fanny Handler.
Little Britain? Little Awful more like!
Time Out magazine said I was destined for greater things in July, 2001. Can I sue them?
How do I tell my asian friend that brown is not her colour? That's not offensive it's just crap.
When will someone just sit me down, look me in the eye and tell me that I am NOT Morrissey?
Ok, if you could all give me punchlines to all these things I'd really appreciate it. It's a charity thing so you can't say no. Thanks for your help. Regards, Michael.
Your opinion has been noted...
Current mood: full
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
Yesterday, while I was standing at London Bridge station waiting for a train, a gentleman wearing only camouflage trousers and REALLY BIG headphones came up to me and reviewed me. "You look like a cunt" he said. Now, you might think I'd be hurt by this remark but you'd be very wrong. Firstly, it's still better than what Chortle said about my Edinburgh show and secondly, he said LIKE a cunt. So, you see, it's people like Phil Cool and Mick Talbot from The Style Council that I feel sorry for because I look like them.
I'm a classic self-loather so, if indeed the chap did mean me, I already know I'm a cunt therefore making his review pointless. Also, I'm also a raging egotist. That's the problem with being a self-loathing egomaniac, although I know I'm a cunt I still think I'm better than everyone else, thus making him a TOTAL cunt. So, to summarise; a total cunt told me something pointless.
Michael Legge recommends...
Current mood: naughty
Category: Automotive
As you know, I am a blogging comedian and therefore my opinion is brilliant and great. With that in mind, please let me recommend a few things to ye...
1. Go to The Real Daniel O'Donnell Show on 9th May. Great music and great comedy. All your friends will be there so if you don't turn up they'll all just think you're a cunt.
2. Watch Bennett Arron's documentary How To Steal An Identity on Channell 4 at 11pm on the 15th of May. For more info, go to www.chortle.co.uk
3. Once you have read about Bennett Arron's documentary How To Steal An Identity on www.chortle.co.uk please stop looking at www.chortle.co.uk immediately.
4. Walk around acting the man.
5. Watch these videos. The first is by Grinderman, the second by Malcolm Middleton. Both are excellent.
awake
giddy
weird
indescribable
busy
quixotic
nostalgic
groggy
full
naughty