Inside the Blogger’s Studios
Current mood: focused
Category: Last minute Leap Day entry for Blogging

I don't have a studio.

But, you're already in my head. What else do I have to offer? Just my ever-lasting soul.

I used to be funny on paper, this used to be funny. I know I'm still funny because people still laugh at things that I say and most of the time it's not at me. (Even I can tell the difference, I've been on both sides of that often enough.)

I think if I analyze what I'm going to say too much, it's more forced and not funny. But on the other hand, when it's more stream of conscious it's not funny either.

Because believe it or not, I do not think funny things. Not that my thoughts are serious and stern -- just rambling walks through my life.

I say this because over lunch today I made a comment about getting bored fairly easily when I'm by myself and my friend said that's hard to believe. (This is someone who is generally fairly amused by me.) And therein lies the rub. I don't honestly think I'm being overly vain when I say that for the most part people generally seem to enjoy being around me and think I'm "fun". And funny, especially. But the fact of the matter is that I can't sit around telling clever stories to myself about myself (although, there again, I'm sure lots of people think I do that too) -- I won't think they're that funny, I already know them. I was there. Also, a lot of the reason that people seem to enjoy hanging out with me (and this is purely conjecture on my part) is because I'm a little blunt and will just say whatever I'm thinking without much filter. So, there again -- I'm the one thinking these things, they're not new and innovative to me. Hence, I get bored on my own. (people often point out to me that I NEVER laugh at my own jokes and than I actually say comedic things quite seriously.)

On another tangent, I realized why I will never be able to be a stand-up comic. Because even though I am capable of being funny, I'm situationally funny. When the thing happens, I'm usually able to find the right punchline. (Sidenote: do you have ANY idea how hard it is to refrain from outbursts in my classes where I have constant captive audience and on-going situations begging for punchlines?? It's HARD -- I could give up chocolate AND pizza and it would be easier. Seriously.) But, I haven't had many funny things happen to me. Things happen and I make them seem funny at the time but really don't get much of a story out of them. I realized this while having lunch with a friend of mine who is a riot. She just spins a marvelous tale and just has me laughing the whole time. She really could be a stand-up, I bet she's tried it. If she hasn't, she should. She even has that same kind of delivery that some stand-ups do where the funniest part of the story is thrown out almost as an aside. Frankly, I'm jealous.

And I actually had a whole thing I was thinking about writing about the people in the class who just don't seem to understand that they're rambling, but then I thought... Insurance on glass houses is probably REALLY expensive.…………

Currently watching : Loose Change 2nd Edition Documentary About the September 11th Conspiracy Theory

8:59 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Terrible Teens
Current mood: discontent
Category: i am hung over and then i do this random type of Blogging

Is there anyone out there who can think about the time that they were 13 or 14 and not cringe with just how awful it was?

Stop reading now if you are one of those people. This blog is NOT for you, but feel free to pop in again another time.

conflicts in adolescence. Talk about reeling back in time.
But I've been thinking about it at random times, because an older friend of mine (oh, what a surprise, I didn't say the name again, isn't that something) has a 13-year-old daughter and she occasionally confides in me some of the horror stories. Some of them are truly horror stories and some of them are just the stories of an over-worked mom who has had enough. So, I have to wonder -- if someone had had my mother's ear, as it were, while I was in those delicate formative years what would I want them to say?? Because that's where the interesting part is...

Don't you remember when you were 13 and you literally thought the whole world revolved around you and your friends? If you didn't go to the 8th grade dance that you might as well resign yourself to a life of loneliness and be done with it? But, is there anything that could have been done in that time of my life to make me fully realize that it was not all about me and that there were other people in the world? What would have made me appreciate my mother for all the work she did for me? What would have made me NOT roll my eyes when my father complained that he went to work and busted his ass just so he could support me and my siblings?

I'm not sure. Looking back on it, I sure wish I knew because if I ever do have kids -- I want to be able to instill in them the right amount of appreciating me and defying me so that they could create their own lives. The appreciation part is not for selfish reasons, either. Oddly enough. It's because when I look back on the way I treated my parents then, after everything they did for me (and continue to do for me) it really bothers me. I know that THEY knew that I was just 13 and didn't know any better (and frankly, I was a pretty damned good kid) but still -- I wish that I'd known it then.

My God, what IS it with all this appreciation banter today? Appreciate your significant other, appreciate your parents -- I suppose next it'll be about appreciating your pets and teachers...

Although, now that I think about it, my 4th grade teacher did a fine.…. Oh, right. Too mushy.

Where did all the funny shit go? Did this stuff used to be funny? I mean, to anyone other than me?

wow, look at the crowd's disperse.………

Currently listening : Wheels of Fire By Cream Release date: 07 April, 1998

11:05 AM - 6 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

I'm a realistic optimist and a pessimistic dreamer.
Current mood: blah
Category: yea yea yea, happy fucking 4th everyone. *+*+*+*+* Blogging

I should snuggle with what?? [my faults that is] (this was going to be my alternative subject)

Just read the most interesting post on someone else's blog... Talking about how we should embrace our faults. How they're there with us all the time and how THEY never deny us the way we deny them.

I think this is a bunch of crap. Who wants to admit that they're flawed and then embrace those faults?? Hel-LO?

Do I accept the fact that I am overly-melodramatic and hard-headed and stubborn and spend too much money and hate to clean? That I'm loud and arrogant and think I'm ALWAYS right? That I'm nosy and insistent and flaky? That I'm demanding and overly wrapped up in my own agenda??

Yes. I accept that I'm all of these things. But, if I spend too much time EMBRACING my faults, then I forget that there's a lot of really good things about me, too. And the thing is, I've spent a pretty fair amount of my life embracing my faults and thinking about all of the bad things about me. I'm kind of enjoying this time now, where I'm trying to find out and embrace the GOOD things about me.

Such as... I think for the most part, I'm unselfish. I'm a realistic optimist and a pessimistic dreamer. I'm not openly rude to people, even when they really deserve it. (Well, I'm openly rude to my friends -- but that's affection I tell you, AFFECTION!) I'm a forgiver, I don't tend to hold grudges. The only way you REALLY get to the common sense part is by going through the stuff. I've been through the stuff and better yet, I've learned a lot from it. I'm funny (not HBO funny, mind you) but I don't expect everyone to be in on the joke.

Ok. To be honest, it was pretty hard to come up with that list. Talk about having to think you were the GREATEST and then talk about it. Odd. I had to dig down deep that time to describe myself and really be honest about it. (Not TOO honest, mind you) It was hard then too coming up with all of those positive, miscellaneous things about me.

Anyways, me and my faults are going to go sleep for the night. My faults have a tendency of hogging the covers , but that's just their way of embracing me back I suppose. But tomorrow, I'm shunning my imperfections and gonna go paint the town red with my perfections. Yes, I know that didn't make any sense -- and no, I don't care.

Currently listening : Hold Your Breath By Embodyment Release date: 09 October, 2001

12:39 AM - 1 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

I'M NOT OK, YOU'RE NOT OK
Current mood: energetic
Category: Hint: A subject concerning the opposite sex is goo Blogging

[original subject line:
I'M NOT OK *******AND******* YOU'RE NOT OK!
I thought the former had better dramatic effect, but don't crack your heads open trying to figure out if I'm really being sarcastic or misanthropic here]

(real email from real person, who probably wouldn't appreciate me reposting his email to me and my response to his email, but I felt strongly about the advice I gave this friend and am going ahead and posting it anyway) [for those of you who know me and think you know who may have written this email inquiry for me, just keep your mouths shut!~esp. if you know the girl in question in the following reposted email. The last thing I need is a another nasty phone call from a another disgruntled girl)



Dear Mike,

I dated a girl for like three months and then she moved to Florida. A few days after she moved, I realized how shitty the relationship had been (it was sooo shitty) and decided I never wanted to talk to her again (or in any way be reminded of that fucking nightmare).

So, instead of telling her: I stopped answering her calls, stopped responding to her e-mails and "blocked" her AOL Instant Messenger screen name ('cause I really really didn't want to talk to her).

Anyway, now she has a new AOL IM screen name and is sending me instant messages (e.g. "helloooo", "I know you're just sitting there", "if you don't want to talk to me, just say so, don't ignore me", "okay...have a good life", "hellooo") and I really don't know how long it's going to be before she stops. Also, every message freaks me out.

Am I obligated to explicitly say "I never want to talk to you ever again", or is it ethical to ignore her 'til she stops writing?

Your non-confrontational fan,

Duncan (named changed for witness-protection purposes]



Dear Duncan,

I wish I could say that I can't relate to the sudden onset of utter repulsion toward a so-called loved one, but sadly, I'm just as dysfunctional as you are. I've spent a long time tackling difficult emotions with thoughts, leading to an almost reflexive, deeply maladaptive strategy that blends equal parts of denial and neuroticism.

Here's how the process works:

1. You meet someone who you feel strong positive emotions for.

2. You quickly lose touch with these feelings, but you're not used to having feelings anyway, so you proceed without noticing that your love is slowly being replaced by ambivalence.

3. Little bursts of annoyance push through the protective layers of denial and reach your brain, but your neurotic defense mechanisms and self-hatred tell you that these distress signals are just electrical impulses from your bad head, signs that you're "just a jerk" and you should be "nicer" to this "wonderful" and "attractive" person who you "care about".

4. The person leaves town. Suddenly, you can let down your guard. All of the annoyance and disgust that's been building up comes flooding out of you. Your true love is not just unworthy of your love, she or he is a loathsome little mealy bug, unworthy of love in general.

5. Your skin recoils when you think of the person. Not only can you not speak to them, you can't so much as write them a wee post-it note to inform them that it's crucial that you never, under any circumstances, lay eyes on them again.

Many of us go down this path, but the way we handle this last step is what separates the men from the spineless wienieheads. There are essentially three ways of dealing with it, ranging from acceptable to abominable.

SAYING GOODBYE TO SOMEONE YOU'VE QUITE SUDDENLY BEGUN TO LOATHE

1. The Right Way

It's only right to call the person, explain that you won't be in touch, and take a healthy portion of the blame. Remember, the moral here is not that you have an unfortunate habit of choosing loathsome little mealy bugs as partners, the moral is that you aren't fucking right!

2. The Wrong Way

While #1 is clearly the healthiest choice, most of us choose #2, which consists of basically aiming for #1 and missing the target completely. We make the call, fine, but just as we're beginning to take responsibility for our side of things, that awful mealy bug on the other end of the phone goes for the jugular. There we are, letting our guard down, and that little skank just can't resist suckerpunching us when we're down. This is too much. We just can't resist. We pull out our extensive list of every reprehensible thing this person has ever done, every bad decision she's ever made, every bad shade of eyeshadow she's ever worn, every crappy book she's ever read. When we're through, she has several auxiliary assholes, and we feel like one huge asshole.

But we don't stop there. We write a cartoon about the whole stupid saga. (Some consider this a way of making amends, but those featured tend not to see it that way.)

3. The Horribly Wrong Way

Ripping someone several additional assholes is far more charitable than ignoring them completely. Even if you tell them they're awful, at least then they can write you off as a threatened loser. If you ignore someone completely, though, they're left to wonder. And you have to wonder: Why do you want to torture this person so much?

Plus, you're torturing yourself by not dealing with it. Avoiding confrontation is bad for you. Dishonesty in one of your relationships tends to leak into all the others. Plus, holding things back makes you sick and resentful and weird and creepy and unlikable.

Look, we're all nuts. Call her, admit it, cut off contact, and move on. And then, do what the rest of us do: Whine incessantly and listen to lots of [insert your favorite band here].

Mike

P.S. for those of you who recall the "Olive Garden incident" from either me telling or the helpless victim or the friends of either of us when the "incident" happened 3 years ago, keep your mouths shut too! (this blog post is irrelevant to that "incident" and needs not be mentioned here)

Currently watching : Memento

4:06 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

A FAULT-FINDING MISSION
Current mood: rejuvenated
Category: don't be a fucking freeloader and do some Blogging

Today is a good day to list your faults.

Why? Because faults are like big lies. The more you try to hide them, the more obvious they are to everyone around you. It's not a good idea to keep your faults tied up under the bed, or shoved into some musty corner of the closet. You shouldn't squeeze them under the floorboards or roll a huge rock over them, either. Faults need cool, fresh air to breathe. Otherwise, they suffocate, panic, and turn over the big rock, and the next thing you know, you're doing life without parole for the murder of the woman in front of you in line at the Coffee Bean who kept flipping her ponytail in your face.

Your faults can be your friends! Who knows you better than they do? They see you at your weakest moments, but they still love you for who... well, they stick around, at least, waiting for their next moment to shine.

"That's not really me!" you say. "I'm not usually so angry or demanding. I'm usually much more easy-going than that. I'm just under a lot of stress right now, this week has been crazy..."

Who do you think you're fooling with that bullshit? And how do you think your faults feel when you disown them, Judas? They're there for you when times are tough, but you won't even acknowledge them in public!

Today is a good day to welcome your faults into the sunshine! Give them some fresh air! Celebrate them for what they are - troublesome traits that make other people dislike you! It's time to give your faults credit for scaring off new friends while alienating the old! it's time to give your faults the respect they deserve for standing in the way of progress, for shielding you from real change, for warding off opportunities left and right.

Just think of where you might be without your faults: sitting by some pool in Belize, sipping on a fruity cocktail, chatting with your manager about the concept for your next book and whether or not it's time to announce your plans to buy that new home in The Hamptons (Long Island, NY for those of you not "graced" with living in this neck of the country)

I do like cheese. That's also a fault.

Another fault is that I like making alphabetical lists.

MIKE'S ALPHABET OF FAULTS!
Check out the Mike's worst traits! And you thought you were horrible!

A is for Acrid
B is for Bossy
C is for Careless
D is for Demanding
E is for Egocentric
F is for Frazzled
G is for Grandiose
H is for Hardheaded
I is for Indecisive
J is for Jaundiced
K is for Krabby
L is for Lethargic
M is for Moody
N is for Narcissistic
O is for Obsessive
P is for Pugnacious
Q is for Quick-tempered
R is for Remote
S is for Smug
T is for Taxing
U is for Unforgiving
V is for Vulgar
W is for Withdrawn
X is for Xanthic Acid*
Y is for Yucky
Z is for Zoanthropic


* In case you were wondering, xanthic acid is unstable, oily, and colorless, which pretty much describes me when I'm bitching. (you can always find it in your favorite candy too!)


Join In The Fun!

Now, you, too, can experience the joys and insights afforded by compiling a lengthy list of your worst flaws! Just ask yourself a few of the following questions:

1. Which things about me are the most daunting and horrific?

2. What aspects of my personality qualify me for free professional help?

3. Which of my faults cause others to say, 'What the fuck is his/her deal?' and 'Is he/she always like that?' and 'I'm scared! Let's go home!'"

Today, you will set aside your shame and show your faults to the world! Today, one day of your life, your faults will run free and wild! You'll flaunt those faults like an outfit completely consisting of spandex! (which is my metaphor for this because that's probably the worst thing anyone can wear, and that person should be shot on the spot by law enforcement for the protection of the publics eyes) &^%&^%&^$%^#$%^#$@#$%*(^*

Currently watching : The X-Files - The Complete First Season (Slim Set) Release date: 31 January, 2006

5:53 PM - 13 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

BEWARE: Mike talks about relationships
Current mood: scared
Category: Who gives a shit about the subject, this is Blogging

I've been thinking a lot today about attitudes and how much they shape our lives and who we really are. And how if we're not really in touch with the truth about what our attitude says about us, then honestly -- how in touch are we with who we REALLY are?? I think a lot of time, I present certain attitudes and assert my beliefs on things with a vehemence that may not really run true to my own character. I don't think I always practice what I preach is basically what I'm saying. I just realized this fully today and it took me a little off-guard, to realize just how little I am in touch with this aspect of myself. After all, I'm the King Promoter of Self-awareness, dare I risk being de-throned by over-looking major gaps in my own character??

For example, I have always purported that happiness is a choice. That we can either take active steps to make sure that we are happy and continue to keep that level of happiness in our lives or we can ignore that things make us unhappy and continue along blindly, yet bitch all the while about how unhappy we are. I believe this very fully and yet there are many times in my life where I find myself bitching about things that I have control over and choose to not exercise that control. These thoughts are brought to mind because a close friend of mine is caught up in a relationship that makes her (I know I'm gonna get A LOT of emails from my female acquaintances asking if I'm referring to any of them, and I will say again "I will not name names", I'm very confidential.) unhappy yet chooses to go forward in the unhappiness, somehow believing that she does not have a choice. Or she thinks there would be greater unhappiness if she were to get out of the relationship, perhaps believing that somehow the situation will improve and she will one day have the happiness back that she had at the beginning of said relationship. As someone who walked this path for years and years, I want to tell her -- she will not. It's better to be alone and unhappy than to be with someone and be unhappy but stay because you believe that person will change. That person is not going to change. And if you don't accept that, you're BOTH going to be unhappy. [ok fine, I'm specifically referring to 5 female acquaintances of mine, but of course I'll NEVER say the names] But I find myself often making decisions that do not really make me happy because I do not fully think them through. I act first and then think about how things are going to come down afterwards. It's a bizarre way to live life if you've never tried it...

Anyways. I'm at a bit of a ramble. I'm upset for my friend(s). How do you make someone see that they are unhappy if they are not?? I struggle with this because again -- I lived it. For a LONG time. And people tried to rescue me and I fought against them with my stubborn way. That is what they do, too. I still think back on all of the times that my friends came to me time and time again and begged me to see the "light" but I was so caught up in my belief that my way was the only way and that surely I knew what was best for me that it was hard to think others wanted me to be unhappy. And alone. How do I make them see that being alone isn't all that bad? That being with someone who really FITS with you is better, even if for a time that person is just you?? Is it even my place to bother?? Do I let her (plural) wander her own way down this path and try to be as supportive as I can? It's not my way to stay out of people's business, but I know all too well what it's like having people in yours. It's a difficult path and I feel mired in the briars about it.

Sorry for the heavy subject matter -- only drudgery like this could drag me away from mindless chores, school-thought, and work-thought, (bullshit, etc) and to the blog world

Currently listening : Visual Audio Sensory Theater By VAST Release date: 28 April, 1998

7:04 AM - 4 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Do any of you really, I mean REALLY, know yourself?
Current mood: curious
Category: the subject matter doesn't matter when you are Blogging

Note to self: Don't try to write when you haven't really had coffee or from other people's houses. It really is not quite the same. Sometimes I think the greatest contradiction in my character is that I love to be around people -- feed on it, THRIVE from it, really (like plants with water) -- and yet, I never seem to really be able to relax relax and just be myself around other people. Most people. It's not a slam on anyone, [oh great, I'm gonna get more hate mail for this one.lol] it's just interesting to me that as much as I seem to not derive enjoyment out of my alone time, that's the only time that I really am just ME. Who I want to be, what I want to think, going where I want to go, and feeling how I want to feel. I think it's because I have such a deep-rooted fear that other people won't really like who I REALLY am that I just can't let it all go. This has to be censored, this has to be amped up and always -- "the Mike Show" must go on. Loudly, boldly, strongly, confidently.

Frankly, I am not always that loud and bold and strong and confident. Sometimes I don't have the answers and don't even care what the questions are. Would be alarmed if the questions were presented, even.

It's not that I don't like putting on "The Show", I do or I wouldn't. But the expectation that the show has to go on, even that expectation from people who don't LIKE the show -- it's a little draining sometimes. Sometimes, I don't feel like being crass and witty and rude -- sometimes I genuinely want to be polite and reserved.

I do. I hear you out there in shocked amusement of how little I know myself, but that poses the question, doesn't it? Do I know me that little... Or do you?

Currently listening : Violator By Depeche Mode Release date: 22 February, 1990

10:50 PM - 6 Comments - 9 Kudos - Add Comment

Aren't I a little young to get so nostalgic? (followed by RAMBLING)
Current mood: nostalgic
Category: YES, rambling DOES COUNT as Blogging

What is it about these Americana holidays that strikes images of childhood and somehow stirs up the memories and longings from THAT time in your life? How is it that I can look back on that time in my life, that time when I was still untouched by cynicism (okay, I was 4 -- but still) and I can still remember the things that I wanted then?? I don't even have a CLUE how my life is going to turn out now, but I sure had it all figured out then...

Cynically yours,

[insert my signature here]

Mike

P.S. a SARCASTIC SATIRE dedicated especially to DEANNA (yes, that's right, I'm NAMING NAMES now [insert evil laugh here]) [co-subject: "A response to being accused of being a MYSPACE WHORE" with no animosity or ambiguity intended since I never take anything seriously or personally anyway, and am always looking for good "material subjects" to "ramble" on"]

I apparently do not have the kind of thoughts that people are wanting to comment on. No emails, no hitting the comment button -- I barely have friends saying anything about my stuff. To be honest -- I'm vain enough for this to bug me. Some days a lot more than others. I can't help it. I want to not care what people think. In fact, in the past I have gone to GREAT lengths to put on a show that I don't care what people think. But the truth is -- I do. I not only care what they think but I especially care when it seems to be about things other than ME!

Okay. I was joking there, but not entirely. It would be nice to have someone give me an opinion or comment on things that I have written. If I were getting paid to do this, then there would be a fair amount of comments -- and most of them probably wouldn't be all that positive. I don't want just positive comments -- contrary to popular belief I do not believe that the world revolves around me.

I don't!

What I really want is to have the kind of blog that leads people to randomly ask me how to fix their lives...

What I can't figure out is why I am so interested in fixing people's lives and why anyone would think I can fix theirs and either way how do I get those people HERE?!

Perhaps if I type the phrase: I CAN FIX YOUR LIFE AT NO CHARGE -- people will Google it and they will come.

Still, I know that I can't really fix people's lives, I just REALLY like trying.

Does that count?

Remember in, like, kindergarten where they had a grade for "doesn't work well with others"? I think that I probably never had a problem with that but I would have gotten marks for "doesn't work well with self". Isn't that sad?

I just realized that's why I don't study so well -- it involves doing it with myself, alone. Trust me, that guy was singing about me when he crooned, "don't wanna be, by myself..." And I've got so many people and so many plans tucked into every nick and cranny so that can rarely happen. That's scary. And then I don't get much accomplished with others, because I'm so excited at having someone to entertain. And someone to entertain me.

I probably shouldn't be sharing these super personal thoughts with the internet, but NO ONE READS BLOGS, remember? So, no one is out there. There is no life on other planets!

Anyways. Enough of that.

[did I mention this was a sarcastic satire?….oh ok, just checking ;-) ]

P.P.S. I want to know -- why aren't there support groups for people of child-bearing age who don't have children, don't want children, won't have children? We need to be reaffirmed too!

Random suggestion, let's print that on the box, okay? Something like: If you are a person who likes to consume large quantities of carbohydrates in single sittings -- if you take full advantage of the free samples at Baskin Robbins -- if you consider a light lunch to be having a DIET drink with your super-size Quarter Pounder with fries -- well, you might not get the full benefit of 12 hours of wellness that some of your carrot-eating, tofu-shake-chugging, aerobicizing counterparts might experience. Take another pill sooner and eat less and suck it up Buttercup! (ah, yes, it's great being able to eat like a morbidly obese person and not suffer the consequences, YET.)[and now that I mentioned Double Quarter Pounder, for those of you who have seen the movie "Super Size Me" and remember the part in the movie where the guy barfs after eating a Double-Quarter Pounder with fries and coke Supersized meal, I laughed, because I used to eat that meal all the time and never even got the "McTwitches", and I say "used to" because that fucking movie "convinced" McDonalds to completely drop the "Supersize" option altogether, which left me distraught. Ugh.

…and btw…
leftover stuff from last night or "mikes literary leftovers", yum.

I had a realization last night that I wanted to right about, but was too tired...

1) Do you realize that we're never going to know what English really sounds like? We were watching something and the people were speaking Chinese and we were trying to describe what it sounded like. That's when I realized this. English is never going to sound like another language to us, so we have no idea if it sounds pretty or ugly or hard or soft or WHAT to people who don't speak the language. I think that's pretty fascinating, actually.

2) no, there is no #2. Why did I put a #1? You ask…..well, because I felt like it!


And now that I'm writing (typing) about random thoughts……

Had I known that blogging about sleep was going to keep me from doing it, I may have waited til this morning. But I really do think it was drinking beer on an empty stomach. Oh yay!

I was talking to friend about this topic today (friend with no nickname oddly -- I hope you see a trend here about me naming names.lol) and realized I had never blogged about it before. Sleep. I told her that I have to go to bed when I am completely exhausted because otherwise I can't sleep because I start thinking about how weird sleep is and I can't do it. She said this never happened to her, but as is the way with the Cult of Mike I bet she will NOW.……..

Does this happen to you? You're lying in bed and you know you need to sleep but you try to catch yourself doing it? You want to notice when you fall asleep to see how it happens? I do. I think it's just fascinating this sleep thing. I understand that there are people whose whole lives are devoted to studying sleep and maybe THIS is my niche because it's the only thing I've ever truly been entranced by. And not even because I'm a big "sleeper" because I'm really not. (many of you know this)

[Sidenote: You know the sleepers and if you are one, you know who you are. People who can list napping as a hobby. People who CANNOT be disturbed while sleeping or even napping without dire consequences to the disturber. I've had my life threatened on more than one occasion waking a sleeper from a nap.]

No, I'm fascinated by sleeping because it's a strange thing that all you have to do is just lay down, relax a little and your body goes into an entirely different level of consciousness. Then after a certain period of time you come out of this stage and you're awake. How do all of your bodily systems know to shift gears? Why do we need sleep? Why isn't there any other way to recharge? (As I sit here yawning because 4:30am-ish is my usual bedtime) Other than the obvious answers of alarms and obligations, what makes us wake up? How do we know we've had "enough" after 9 hours or whatever? Why can't we program the amount of sleep we need? If you only have time to sleep 3 hours a night, why can't that be enough? Why does it seem like there are some amounts that are GOOD and some that are never enough? And why DOES that seem so intricately tied to how much alcohol you've consumed? (ok, fine I do pretty much know all the ambiguous answers to theses questions, but that's exactly what they are, with nothing definitive)

Just kidding on the last question. (or am I?) But sleep is weird. Statistically most people fall asleep in 7 minutes. This is not a long period of time to slip into another level of consciousness when you think about how many beers you have to drink to feel a little woozy. Definitely more than 7 minutes worth. Even if you're doing shots!

Maybe I'm interested in it because I'm a light "fall-asleeper." Once I'm asleep I think I'm on the average level for "disturbability" but as far as getting TO the sleep level: everything has to be just so. Temperature, firmness of mattress, sound, light, etc. But sleep is like an orgasm -- once you get there, it's all good; it's not easy to reverse! (whoops, was I thinking out loud here again………oh well)

Anyway, I'd love to write more but I'm tired and want to go do some first hand experimenting with this sleep thing.

I was going to make an effort to keep the blogs shorter in an effort to get someone to read it. Oh well!

P.P.P.S. ::snort:: Are there actually still people who are concerned that I have problems? Please don't hesitate to write to my imaginary friend at youvegottobekiddingme@whatever.com if you have these concerns... ;-)

Currently watching : Super Size Me Release date: 28 September, 2004

8:59 PM - 8 Comments - 20 Kudos - Add Comment

PASS THE MENTAL SUDAFED! [UNfunny stuff.…………… Please disregard]
Current mood: restless
Category: some please shoot me before I do anymore of this Blogging

I am not really sure what happens to me that I go through these periodic Eeyore like funks that calls into question everything about me and my place in the universe and my place in the lives of the people I hold dear. I feel as though all of a sudden I've been sucked into some sort of emotional quicksand that I can't seem to struggle out of... Whenever this happens, I examine the wallowing at great length. I don't understand it. There are things about myself that I know empirically to be true and yet when this blue thing starts crawling on me, I just can't shake the feeling that all of the things I have always believed to be true about myself -- really aren't. That I've been lying to myself all along and that other people have gone along for the ride b/c they are, in effect, good people and don't want to see me hurt. Especially by my own demons. And I do a lot of putting on the glad face and roll along with the punches, but underneath all of that I feel like I am trapped inside of myself watching everything happen through a glass wall. Who AM I? How did I get here? And why don't these people realize that I am not good enough?

There should really be no logical reason for me to suddenly start feeling REALLY crappy about myself all of the time. It's like I just woke up one morning and everything I believed about myself the day before ceased to be true. Like some random Saturday, sarcastic, outspoken, smart, and funny and have my shit together and by Tuesday I'm a colossal mess of dumbness, confusion, disorientation, and evil and on and on. And I can't make it stop. Until eventually, it just does. Something shifts in the universe and the stars change positions or whatever and then I just feel like me again. Not a superstar, but content with who I am. It's like the emotional cold (not even the flu b/c there's a shot for that but as we all know -- no cure for the common cold). It starts with the sniffles -- feeling minorly insecure about one minor thing. And then it moves on to the congestion -- the "one thing" leads to two or three. And then the aches -- a vague sense of dread that I am wasting people's time just talking. And then it's ON -- with the emotional equivalent of fever and nausea and the whole gamut just taking over all of my senses. No one knows where it started and no one seems to be able to say the things to me that make it go away. Even *I* know, that it's ridiculous to be feeling so mopey. After all, if you stop to think about the reason for your existence all the time, then you'd probably be depressed and feeling worthless most of the time.

So, I examine the parts that put me together and how I got to be on this trip and I really do not understand the root cause of my insecurity. Do I blame my mother in some trite Freudian way? Genetics? Life? Me? I'm not above blaming me, if I knew why it was MY fault. Last night, I found out that you can't plant bamboo just anywhere b/c it roots ferociously and you will never get rid of it. That's how I feel about the insecurity -- like it's rooted in me and spreading through me like roots tangling up in my emotional bloodwork system. I just have to get in there and whack it out and wait for the veins to reassemble to their natural state. I know they will. They always do. It's just like waiting for the cold to be over -- you're so sick and miserable that you think you will NEVER feel right again.

And then you do. And so will I. But I think in the meantime, perhaps it's best if I try to limit my blogging in case anyone really IS reading this and becomes mired in their own funk b/c they caught mine, like the cold -- the emotional cold is contagious too. In the interim, I will -- as promised -- run some "reruns".

Pass the mental Sudafed


P.S. Also, reading makes me think about the process of writing a lot. I am just a rambler and only like to spew out stuff about ME and my views and therefore would be a lousy fiction writer. I mean, yes -- I have the occasional ability to turn a thoughtful phrase but I don't really know how to engross people in my visions. I don't think I spin good illusions. Or something. (By the way, my friends and I think I started the "or something" but will be checking the annals of time for verification as I believe you have now claimed it!) Still, I enjoy the catharsis of the writing. Hence, the previous "Mike from the Mountaintop" stuff and prior to that my long-time journaling career and NOW... the BLOG!

I think I'm even more stream of conscious than usual... Funny, that word NEVER looks right.

Currently listening : Havestar By I Scintilla Release date: 05 September, 2006

2:24 AM - 6 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

TIME FOR BAD ADVICE!
Current mood: mischievous
Category: Drinking is not a good idea while you are Blogging

Dear Mike,

I'm dreading the holidays because my family is full of dysfunctional uptight freaks. Any suggestions on passive-aggressive, snide things I can say to satisfy my meanness while appearing to be civil?

Sincerely,
Mike


Dear Mike,

You're in luck! I know plenty of fucked-up dysfunctional families and have just the remedy for you!

Personally, I would not suggest passive-aggressive snide comments. I may have indulged such urges in the past - hell, I may well have set out, consciously or unconsciously, to topple the apple cart at every turn with behavior ranging from sullen silence to shouted accusations. However, I find that these types of situations go much more smoothly if I avoid all conflict, smile and nod my head at anything anyone says, just like a soft, furry animal who's been heavily sedated.

Here's my complete list of handy tips for the coming week:

TIPS FOR SURVIVING THE HOLIDAY WITH FAMILY

1. Drink a lot.

2. Pretend that you are a small, round, fluffy animal who's been de-clawed and makes only joyous, squeaky sounds. In fact, picture yourself as a wee little squeak toy, on the carpet, a trifle, never bothering anyone. This may make it difficult not to get mauled by the family dog, but it will make everyone in your family more cheerful. In fact, they'll make comments about how "happy" you seem, and how much you've "matured" lately.

3. Ask family members detailed questions about the intricacies of their jobs. As they prattle on about things you don't understand, you'll have plenty of time to think about more important things, like whether or not there's still a little peach ice cream in the freezer, and when would be the earliest appropriate moment to excuse yourself and abscond with it.

4. Clear the table and do all the dishes, every night. Not only will this enhance the illusion that you're an adult, but it will also provide you with an easy exit from the most conflict-heavy part of the night. You'll have time to think your own highly negative, corrosive, reprehensible thoughts while indulging in the art of washing dishes, widely revered for its ability to induce a Zen-like state in even the most jittery squeak toy. As everyone else is ripping each other new assholes, you'll come out smelling like Palmolive.

5. Drink some more.

6. Occasionally pull out a board game and shout, in the manner of a buffoonishly lame dad, "Hey, who wants to play Squeeblies? Oh come on! I love this game! It'll be FUN!" If your family, like many, is lacking a buffoonishly lame dad, you need this very crucial energy to keep the snippy little bitches and sullenly macho boys and passive-aggressive martyrs from making themselves and each other miserable.

7. When conflicts in the game arise, as they invariably do, and someone throws something and stomps off, do not think twice. Promptly announce: "I will go apologize." Then tip-toe, knock-knock, and claim personal responsibility for everything that has just gone wrong. It's not your fault, of course, but if you don't coax them back into the game, you won't have a chance to win and rub it in their snotty faces.

8. Walk around the block every now and then. Studies show a simple walk around the block would have prevented about 78% of the cases of domestic violence reported to the Hall of Justice.

9. Drink again.

10. Did I mention drinking?

Currently listening : Rubber Soul By Beatles Release date: 18 March, 1998

10:00 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Thoughts for the day: On Regret, Forgiveness, Self projection, Hoarding, and MEMORIES.
Current mood: weird
Category: i think i'm getting the hang of this thing cal Blogging

I came to the sudden realization the other day that regrets are actually a GOOD thing. Here's why: when I look back on the mistakes that I have made, I know that I have learned many valuable lessons from those mistakes. If I hadn't made the mistake, then I wouldn't have learned the lesson. And if I hadn't learned the lesson, then I wouldn't have acquired enough knowledge to regret what I did. So, the only reason I HAVE regrets is because I have grown as a person because of those mistakes.

Interesting………………..

I think it's hard to feel validated in your own existence when you have always been an extension of someone else's. Someone's son, someone's significant other, someone's friend, someone's.………… something.

Sometimes I feel like I am just a projection on the screen of other people's minds of who they think I am and what they think I am about.

It's a funny thing about being a "hoarder". I hold onto stuff FOREVER. I have clothes piled up in my room now that I not only have never worn but probably never even considered wearing all the time I owned them. And I have closets and drawers and everything filled with crap. And I have emails clogging my inbox that I won't get rid of and I have letters tucked into various corners of my room that I stumble across from time to time. And all of the poetry I wrote in school. I surround myself with all of these thoughts and memories and objects and when I look at them or read them or touch them or whatever, I get sucked back into that time and place and feeling again. It's a strange feeling -- being the memory keeper. (same thing happens to me with music too, but I'm sure many of you can relate to this) It's not always a position that I relish. Because I have these memories, I remember the bad stuff along with the good. And sometimes, even remembering the GOOD stuff makes me feel bad because it's like... Well, that time was blown, wasn't it? And as much as having those things around me takes me to highs and lows and even mediums, I still won't get rid of it. I like riding those waves, it makes me feel human. Makes me feel both vulnerable and invincible at the same time. Which is weird.

But then again, so am I. ;-)

Ok. Enough online moping (yeah, okay -- I said that the last time, didn't I?) -- gonna go bag up all the discarded clothing and stuff, and then I'm gonna go take a look at what the world has going on today.

Currently playing : The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past Release date: 07 June, 2004

11:31 PM - 6 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

NEWSFLASH!: People Read [clapping crowd noise in background]
Current mood: chipper
Category: maybe itsFinallyPayingOff, youKnow,thisTHINGcalled Blogging

Ok. I'm going to try to be calm now, but it's virtually impossible. You (and by you I mean the 7 of you who REGULARLY read) are so not going to believe this, but apparently OTHER people are reading my blog. Like, people who do not know me and therefore haven't witnessed my greatness firsthand and are only being introduced to it by way of this fabulous little blog thing. That means the message is spreading and I, for one, am prepping the Kool-Aid even. as. we. speak. Soon, the world will be filled with my minions (originally typed "mignons" so perhaps I didn't eat enough at dinner after all) and I will be their creator. It'll be like a live-action Sims thing or you know, God. How cool is that?

But seriously. I'm surprised. Not sure how people find me out here amongst the vast sea of other bloggers, though we all know I'm significantly more interesting than they are. But, to be fair, I'm older so therefore have had time to season my humor (which today could use some major marinating) and develop some stories. Not just (as an example of a naïve adolescent myspace blogger) "like oh my GOD my parents suck soooo much and they never let me talk on the phone past 9 and they only let me have my own computer like a year ago and I need to pass my English test but I'd much rather be sitting here typing these run-on sentences." (I think I discussed this in one of my blogs. Shit, I'm getting redundant, that's just what I need.lol) While my stories are not MUCH better than this, at LEAST I don't have anyone telling me what to do when I'm done and me actually having to do it b/c that person is providing, I don't know, EVERY THING I WANT OR NEED TO MAKE A COMPLETE HUMAN BEING.

That's when you know you're getting old. You resent teenagers for whining. Suck it up, kids -- it only gets harder.

Currently watching : The Thing (Collector's Edition) Release date: 26 October, 2004

9:00 PM - 8 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

The things that get STUCK in your head
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: thats right, no one can stop me from Blogging

(ha, you probably I thought I was gonna talk about sex didn't you.lol, get your mind out of the gutter. [and you know who you are])


First, how on EARTH do you get obnoxious phrases out of your head? For years I was throwing around the "there is that" for most every occasion -- I've even routed the blog through that -- and recently started on "so, there you go", from My Big Fat Greek Wedding. But NOW, most of my friends have started "it's all gooood" and now *I* can't get it out of my head or mouth and it is REALLY annoying. There has got to be a way to wean myself from this phrase. Every time I mutter it I just feel my teeth gritting in resistance. It's all good..grrr...NOT ANYMORE!

I guess the best way is to replace it with another catch-all phrase.

................
Let..s just say that myspace started to mess with me (which I know it never will because they..re too awesome to ever do anything like that), but just hypothetically humor me for a moment.

TOM: Mike, we're going to have to shut down your blog due to excessive whininess by someone over the age of 20. Now that you're rolling down to 30, well you're not allowed to blog anymore. This service was started so that young people would have a forum to address their VERY important problems and concerns.

Me: It's all goo........ That's cool.

TOM: You understand that it's not personal, then?

Me: Yeah, man -- it's all.....copasetic.

TOM: You're taking this very well for someone who can't go to bed at 1am even though your eyes are little slits but you feel the need to type fake conversations on the internet.

ME: LOOK IT'S ALL GOOD!

Damn. I'm worried. If I start losing my ability to have my own annoying phrases, what have I got left in my bag of tricks?? There's only so much I can get away with without my own Mikerisms. Now I gotta go dredge up some more -isms. I hate that!

And if I didn't have anything to bitch about then I wouldn't have anything to fill up my blog with and then you all would just be suffering. That's not fair to the [counting.....3] of you! The least I can do is to continue to create random melodramatic things to complain about in order to keep you -- my loyal non-paying audience -- entertained. What can I say?? I am a giver.

Off to stare at things that need to be cleaned and then not clean them...

Currently watching : Road to Perdition (Widescreen Edition) Release date: 25 February, 2003

11:18 AM - 12 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

The Dreaded X Factor
Current mood: confused
Category: there should be a law against me Blogging

Have you ever been compared to someone's ex? Have you ever compared someone to YOUR ex? Don't do it! And if it happens to you, try to act like your kitchen's on fire so you can get out of the conversation because nothing good is coming thereafter. Especially not in the mental arena.

At least I've never been called by an ex's name in the throes of passion, THAT would really freak me out. I'd have to just take my handcuffs and go on home.

It's debilitating. And while I know, rationally, that the comparison was based on sensory responses that I have no control over, I still was a fairly UNhappy camper. [Sidebar: WHERE did this expression come from? Do campers achieve some sort of super-level of happiness that other outdoor activity participants do not? What's up?]

You know, we all have our baggage. Sometimes we don't realize that we're carrying things around until something triggers a response. That's just how life is sometimes -- sneaks up on you and the surprises aren't always pleasant. And it's how we deal with these moments that defines our TRUE character. We get in relationships with people for specific reasons with certain desired operating states in mind. Sometimes things proceed according to our mental plan, but more often than not they do not. We deal. But the thing is that as we get older we are more and more likely to be drawn to the same basic kinds of people for some of the same basic reasons. We're looking for something and for some reason (science, nature, nurture, the planets alignment -- whatever) we keep looking for it in the same kind of personalities. Don't hold your current partner responsible for their similarities to your past. It's not their fault!

All we really need is the "missing half of this golden amulet" and we're set......

Currently watching : Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Release date: 01 August, 2006

7:27 PM - 13 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Metamucil for the soul (fuck that chicken soup, and fuck Opra, while I’m at it, so there!)con't
Current mood: listless
Category: Bloggidy Bloggy Blogging

Metamucil for the soul (fuck that chicken soup, and fuck Opra, while I..m at it, so there!)[