Gender: Male
Status: In a Relationship
Age: 38
Sign: Leo
City: Lahndahn Tahn you slags
Country: UK
Signup Date:
01/14/06
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Thursday, September 06, 2007
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101 Things To Do Before You Die
Current mood:  artistic
I've been flicking through the book, 101 Things To Do Before You Die. I doubt very much if I'll be able to do all of them. Things like Throw A House Party While Your Parents Away would be hard due to the fact that they are elderly and in partly sheltered accommodation.
Here's a list of things I have done from the book. I am going to try and do my best to add to this list. If you get hold of a copy of the book and can suggest anything or help me even with some of the tasks, that would also be cool.
- Win an award, trophy or a prize. I won best animation for my first year at uni. Not exactly the Perrier, but I did get some software worth £350.
- Realise your childhood dream. I became a DJ even if it has been for local radio stations.
- Learn that instrument. Guitar, drums and piano. Call me Prince.
- Get a piece of art into and exhibition. Got my flash mob of the London Eye Pillow Fight into an art gallery in Manchester.
- Stage dive or crowd surf. Stage dived at Beck the first time he ever came to this country at The Astoria. I think I crowd surfed Jesus and Mary Chain and busted my nose.
- Get into the Guiness Book of Records. Technically I should have with Stand Up 150. If not then I technically make it because Richard Coughlan told me to stop banging that fucking tambourine while he was doing his record freestyle ego rap.
- Own a pointless collection. Have you seen my collection of DVDs about comedians, films, documentaries and vague references. Barely any actual stand up DVDs. I've got about 100.
- Study the Kama Sutra. I haven't but when you look att he positions you're supposed to have done to check this one off, I've done them all plus a few others not mentioned.
- Design your own cocktail. We've all done that with the leftover grapefruit juice, eggnog and gin.
- Be friends with your ex. Yes, I'm friends with quite a few.
- Attend a film premier. Planet of the Apes.
- Milk a cow. Did this when I was a kid. Get the poor thick kids into the country to see what life's all about.
- Make at least one huge purchase you can't afford. Driving. The whole operation has not only wiped me clean, I am also in debt for the first time in four years by a few grand. I have so far earned £70 for my troubles.
- Leave the job you hate. Church Street Library. I went AWOL in Edinburgh in order to get removed from this hellhole. The San Quentin of public libraries. They have to build a steel walkway to get into it. On my last day some kids asked me where I was going. I said I'm leaving they said, "good riddance." Education didn't mean much to them.
- Be part of a flash mob. Well I decided to film it and participate that way.
- Have adventurous sex. Who me?
- Answer a personal ad. Yeah, it didn't go too well.
- I've been barred from a few place purely through someone else getting mouthy, but I did get asked to leave a bar in Bangkok because I threw the ladyboy manager against a ladder.
- Sell all your junk on ebay. Got rid of loads of stuff.
- Throw away the noodles. Cook something new and be interesting with your food. I do that all the time darling.
- Publish a cult website. It's called
www.mikebelgrave.com. So cult it get two hits a week.
Own an original piece of artwork. I got a Hancock from Okse.
- Get revenge. Done that loads of times.
- Go on a demonstration. Mainly stuff for the union. Cutting pensions. Selling off graveyards. Aids march late 90s.
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Currently
reading
:
101 Things to Do Before You Die
By
Richard Horne
Release date: 21 October, 2004
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8:30 PM
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Wednesday, August 29, 2007
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Aftermath
Current mood:  contemplative
Spent some of Sunday taking the venues down then made our way to the farewell party. It was a little drab to be honest. The usual suspects and a few others with a barbecue. The barbecue was great as always, in fcat it was more than the usual greatness. But there didn't seem to be any sense of occasion. A shame considering how Lucy and Manera really dolled up for the occasion. Loads of people went home that day too.
I was going to leave on the Monday but Coppin convinced me to stay another day so that way we could share the driving home. I'm glad I did as I was shattered and would have taken ages to get back home, due to taking breaks and sleeping. I got myself a large Chinese, three bottles of red wine and watched some DVDs and surfed the net.
I'm glad I left the next day because we were able to give Willis a lift back to Newcastle and we had a brilliant laugh in the car having a good old bitch and gossip.
Finally got home at 12.30am and was relieved about that.
Well it was an odd Edinburgh to say the least. Here's my thoughts,
Welcome to the Edinburgh of 2007.
If I can offer you one piece of advice that would be, Put down the battered haggis.
The long-term benefits of using battered haggis lead to fighting, drinking, cross dressing and tall tales about it's the only thing that keeps you going all day and soaking up the booze.
I have only done the Edinburgh festival in full 3 times, but these are the things I have learned. You may take my advice or tell me where to stick it. My advice is no more reliable than any hardened Fringe stalwart so take it as you will.
No matter how well you know someone don't be surprised when they fuck you over.
Reviewers in their desperate attempt to make a point usually miss the point.
There's always someone worse off than you.
Helping others is fine, but don't let that get in the way of why you are there.
Networking doesn't necessarily mean shoving your head up someone's arse.
Don't be surprised to find yourself sympathising with a nemesis when they're down.
You're on holiday, have a good time when you can.
You're there to work too, so having too much of a good time can be destructive.
Don't be afraid to say, "sorry, I can't remember who you are."
Standing out on the Royal Mile all day makes your hair start to turn ginger.
Quad Biking is a great way to escape from your Edinburgh show.
When you get a chance, go out and dance and have fun.
See some shows and learn from the experts.
See friends shows, it's good to support each other.
There's not just a festival on, it's a great city, explore it.
There's more to life than comedy, check out a play or go to an art gallery.
When you start to see daylight, think about going to bed, you have a show to do.
You must try the most unhealthiest thing you can find once.
Don't forget to eat some pasta and do some home cooking.
Drugs make temporary friends, till the drugs run out.
Invite at least one non-comedy friend to stay with you, they put perspective on life.
Read the news in The Scotsman, not just the reviews.
Try and hug another comic in the nude whilst you are naked.
Keep Piemaker in business, they are being swamped by Greggs and Subway.
Don't be disappointed if you're not nominated for an iffie.
There are hundreds of other candidates, they only give out two.
Don't be jealous of acts that are more famous than you.
You'd be surprised how many people would love to do an Edinburgh show.
Remember you'll look back on these days with rose tinted specs.
You'll also be a much better act when you're back on the road again.
You'll so much out of Edinburgh that you will never realise.
But trust me on the battered haggis.
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Currently
listening
:
Led Zeppelin IV (aka ZOSO)
By
Led Zeppelin
Release date: 19 July, 1994
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6:53 AM
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2 Comments - 1 Kudos
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Wednesday, August 01, 2007
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Edinburgh 3
Current mood:  tired
Well the journey went well. We left Manera's around 5.30am. We found Dizzy under a pile of duvets and he groggily made his way to the car and moaned that couldn't have a cigarette and wanted a coffee. No, don't thank me for picking ya up ya bastard. ;-)
Anyway the journey was a blast. Manera played loads of great music from his MP3 player, we all took the piss out of each other. Dizzy and Coppin ate an extraordinary amount of service station food. Right down to the family burger meal where there was still a burger left over and I left them to discuss how to split it in two with no knife. Animals.
Eventually after about 260 miles of driving under my belt Coppin took over. I think he wanted to take over sue to the fact I was having so much trouble getting in and out of the car park. I did some really shit parking but fuck it, there wasn't anybody there so I parked over two bays.
Coppin was an expert driver and was zooming round trucks and shit heaps going two miles an hour on a single lane motorway and eventually we got our arses to the flat. We didn't have much time to explore it as there wasn't any proper parking nearby, but it's gorgeous. Even better than last year and it's a bit cheaper too.
I drove the guys over to Linsays and finally got somewhere tp park. Made my way into the bar and had my first beer of the day. My god did it taste nice. It was 4pm and I'd be travelling for 12 hours. I gave Linsay a big hug and after looking at all the posters and feeling back at home, Manera pointed out that one of my posters had already been graffiti'd. Someone poked out my eyes, drew devil's horns on my head and wrote a speech bubble that said, I am the devil incarnate. Must have met them last year in the Speigel Tent.
Spent the rest of the day helping Alex and the gang putting up the venues. It's really cool to watch a room turn into an Edinburgh venue. We also started plugging Rob Debb's show because there was a Dungeons and Dragon group in the Hillside venue using one of the rooms.
Coppin asked me if I could lend him twenty quid for a cab, which funnily enough was exactly how much he owed me and gave me a few hours previously. Hm.
Once most of the work was done, we fired up the barbecue and ate like the hungry working bastards we were. Men. Working,. Food.
We went home fairly early. Well half ten and got a cab back. Kev the Shepherd was staying with us but was having a drink and enjoying himself so he said he's come over later.
I waited for him to call, but woke up around 3am with a message from Kev asking where the flat was. Sure he'll be OK.
12:50 PM
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Tuesday, July 31, 2007
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Edinburgh 2
Current mood: tired
It is 4 am in the morning. I've packed and I'm off to pick up the rabble. Last night the window got stuck on the car and wouldn't close. I fear this car will either fly like a banned magically altered muggle machinery. Or it will blow up Jack Bauer stylee.
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Currently
reading
:
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Book 7)
By
J. K. Rowling
Release date: 21 July, 2007
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7:56 PM
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Edinburgh 1
Current mood:  anxious
Last minute cast members joining Bunker Thinks He's Hunter. Losing a member for the last week. Gaining two members for the last week. Not having a full run of either Edinburgh shows. Having previews cancelled. Having cunts in the audience. Passing my driving test. Having my car break down on me two days before I give a lift to three other comics. Moving house. Getting my own radio show and plugging the Free Festival. Tears, tantrums, cross dressing, nudity, wankers, bastards, fuckers, madams, drinking, smoking, shouting, laughing, piss taking, flirting, skeletons leaping out of cupboards, trips to the clap clinic and molestation of farmyard animals. My god, what a life.
Yes, Belgrave's back with his 3rd Edinburgh blog. First he was afraid, second he was petrified, third he's camping it up like a disco diva. Yeah, Edinburgh rocks man. I'm doing two full shows and sometimes up to four with MCing at the Underbelly and Lindsay's bar. This doesn't include any guest spots I'll try and cram it, but to be honest I think that'll be enough.
I'm sharing a house with Dizzy High, Okse and Mike Manera. We all cook and we all have strange sexual desires. It's a veritable Marquis De Sade and his three dirty brothers under one roof.
I rushed out in my lunch break today and got my car out of the garage. Drove it to where I'm going to live and got the train into work. It only took 90 minutes but I lose my lunch and extended late night tea break. But what with the car breaking down, the tight schedule I have cleverly planned had a massive spanner rammed right up its arse. Or is that Dizzy? I'm seriously stressed, but I've re written the plan. I'm going to crash at my lady's house then get up in the early house and pick the boys up. Then I'll give the comics a lift.
Stay tuned Edinburgh fans. Gonna blog sometimes more than once a day. Coz I'm crazy me.
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Currently
listening
:
The Bagpipes & Drums of Scotland
By
Various Artists
Release date: 28 September, 1999
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8:21 AM
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Thursday, May 31, 2007
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Big Brother 8. Oh My Dayz.
Current mood:  aggravated
22.17pm
I hate Big Brother and everything it stands for. It's an awful program filled with Morons and the desperate. For some reason I decided to watch it on Thursdays repeat.
Oh my days. These people are hideous. Before all the housemates arrived, I was already sick of the screeching and high pitched fast paced deeply irritating babble from these 3rd rate Paris Hilton wannabes. Is there no originality in the world? I can't understand what is going on. They're already segregating the older women.
2.20
Why can't they take turns to speak? They want to have a career in TV. Oh god they're now bursting out into playground songs. Do they have to keep screaming every time someone arrives?
22.25
Oh god, they're now talking about doing lesbian stuff and doing stuff to shock the viewing audience. The black girl has just swished her hair like a supermodel in front of the camera.
22.27
The older lady has tried a door. If she has any sense it's the door out to go home.
22.28
It's just a bedroom. Why the fucking excitement? This screaming is really getting annoying.
22.29
Boobs have been felt. The question "Have you every weighed them?" is asked. I'm losing the will to live. Thank god for the adverts.
22.33
The girl in green thinks she looks like Peaches Geldof. Apparently they think they're all in there because they look like celebrities. Don't they mean porn stars?
22.36
They're talking about boobs. Now I'm interested.
22.37
The Welsh girl philosophises in the diary room. Apparently we're all born on our own. Must be a big fan of Chomsky methinks.
22.39
The woman with pink hair, "We're the chosen ones" The segregation continues. Older women talking normally and taking turns. The babble continues in the background. Let's hope it stays there.
22.41
Black girl, "Everyone thinks I'm an airhead and a bimbo but I haven't got blond hair." You've just proved the exception. They're all talking about the headlines and celebrities. Bring back the nutters. Please!
22.43
The black girls Boobs are out. That didn't take long.
22.44
How many times do we have to hear her name is Trace? We've got the fucking point.
22.45
Ooh! The arguments have started. Hair, makeup and getting their own way are the subjects. That didn't take long.
22.46
The welsh girl wants to meet other people. That's the reason why she wants to be on. Yeah right.
22.49
Tracey, "we're the chosen few. It's a phat feeling." Apparently. The older woman, "why anyone would find this interesting?" She's right, but I'm watching it. It's a very guilty pleasure. I've got something to bitch about. I've just had a shit gig.
22.50
A break. Glad I've got this bottle of wine.
22.54
We're back. Chris Moles has taken over from Russell Brand with BBBM. Instant screaming when we're back in the house.
22.55
Leslie in the diary room. She doesn't look happy. She'll probably win. Although she looks like she'd rather be voted out first.
22.56
She feels left out. I'm really starting to warm to her.
23.00
They're all going to bed. Feel like sleeping myself.
23.01
Samantha and Amanda go to the diary room. The Big Brother voice sounds fed up already. They have nothing to say. They just want more attention on the camera and say goodnight. Then they run over the sofas. ZZZZZZZZ.
223.02
Credits roll. Not a minute too soon.
Not sure if I'll watch anymore. See Hazel's blog for updates.
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Currently
listening
:
New York Dolls
By
New York Dolls
Release date: 25 October, 1990
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11:21 PM
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3 Comments - 4 Kudos
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Friday, April 27, 2007
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Back
Current mood: artistic
Do you know, there are days when I love nothing more than Sipping Rooibos tea while eating hot peppered mackerel, wholemeal pasta with West Indian hot pepper sauce. It truly is a treat. I have of late got my appetite back. In fact a bit too much, the belly is starting resemble that of Falstaff.
Since I got my foot done, I had a nasty virus flu thing that wiped me out and made me lose my desire to eat anything. It's a good job I'm normally such a pig as I'd stuffed myself the day before so that kept me going for a while. The only problem was, it was over the bank holiday weekend and so I lay there sick for 3 days not having anyone to talk to. Good job I got loads of episodes of the Sopranos, Simpsons and Battlestar Galactica to keep me going.
I eventually got better then the foot got infected. That was a real bummer so I had to keep going into the hospital to have puss stained bandages changed and stitches removed. However it's nearly healed up and I can walk properly again. Although I now can't stretch out my right foot as there's not enough skin to enable it to do so after the operation. I can seriously live with that. My ballerina days are almost over.
G's being filmed a lot at the moment. Camera crews keep turning up to the house. The other day when we were in Birmingham G told me that the camera crew were arriving at 11am the next day. He had to pop out the next day and texted me to tell me that he was getting a delivery and film crew might arrive. I didn't get the text as I was listening to music in the front room with headphones on, soaking wet, with a towel just about covering my modesty. Much to my surprise, when Gareth, Leanne, camera crew and delivery man all appeared in the front room with me bopping along to a song oblivious. I'm pretty sure someone got a look at my cock as I was unaware there was anyone in the house up to that moment.
I apologised and said that it wasn't on purpose and Leanne kindly backed me up by saying, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
Done some lovely gigs recently. Catface Cabaret was brilliant. I did a greatest hits and enjoyed playing a theatre where people were actually listening to my every word. Lovely.
The Birmingham gig at the college of food was a bit weird. One quarter of the room enjoyed it the rest hated us. We were told not to swear or be too lewd, but towards the end I thought fuck 'em and went dirty kamikaze. Hm Dirty Kamikaze. Sounds like a Jackass offshoot.
Speaking of Jackass, I watched the 2nd movie and have to say it's one of the funniest, grossest and mad things I have seen in ages. I heartily recommend it. Even if you don't like that sort of thing at least try and try the terrorist sketch. That's amazing and well thought out.
Sat up all night drinking with Manera and watched 80s music videos on you tube.
Been driving around. I chauffeured Leanne and Gareth to Morrisons in Hackney. Classy. Got a few more lessons to do then I'll do my test. Still having trouble parking though.
I did Spa Tickles last night and got a lift with Caroline Maybe in her camper van. That was really cool. Got a chance to get to know her and she's lovely. I had a corker at Spa Tickles. Really lovely gig.
I've been working on both Edinburgh shows and I'm still having trouble finding people to be in it. Also nearly every other sketch show is on around the same time as mine or before or after, so I'm struggling for sketches and characters. Although I do have Men With Bananas and Johnny Shawaddywaddy Sorrow to do guest spots.
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Currently
watching
:
Jackass Number Two (Full Screen Edition)
Release date: 26 December, 2006
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11:47 AM
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Wednesday, April 04, 2007
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Bad Foot Rising
Current mood:  uncomfortable
God I've been a busy Bunny. I completely forgot that the deadline for Edinburgh was coming up so hastily rushed out my 40 words for both shows. Here they are. Hope you like them. Got no choice, they're going in.
MIKE BELGRAVE - RAISED 2B STUPID - FREE
Laughing Horse Free Festival
Laughing Horse @ Meadow Bar,42-44 Buccleuch Street • • Grid Ref: F6
Belgrave's back after packed out houses at last year's Fringe. This year he ponders how he was raised 2b stupid and survived. Insightful, thoughtful, intelligent, comedy with divine costumes and cheeky songs.www.mikebelgrave.com
Aug 4-14,16-25 17:35 (1hr) (Free Non-ticketed
MIKE BELGRAVE - BUNKER THINKS HE'S HUNTER -SKETCH SHOW - FREE
Laughing Horse Free Festival
Laughing Horse @ Berlin,3 South Queensferry Street Lane • • Grid Ref: null
Cross dressing, near frontal nudity, stupid jokes, poor accents, innuendo, trouser dropping & live cattle in the only way they know how. It's milking time with Bunker Thinks He's Hunter. www.mikebelgrave.com
Aug 4-14,16-25 15:25 (1hr) £0.00
I then dashed off to have a much needed break with my lovely Sophia. We met up with my mate Clare who's running a theatre there. We drank loads and ate tons of nice food. The people are incredibly nice if a little serious, but you can't fault the place. It's clean, everyone's helpful and the kids behave like kids. Not a knife or hoodie in sight. We spent most nights drinking and talking to the small hours drinking with a variety of well made ales.
When I got back I did a lovely gig at Laughing Horse Soho and tried out some new stuff for my Edinburgh show. I was happy with what I tried out. But the next day I got a call from the hospital asking me if I'd like to have the operation on my foot brought forward two months.
Too fucking right I did. I had to cancel work, paid gigs and meetings but anything beats hobbling around like an old fucking man, which I was getting seriously sick with. For some odd reason I have a desire to kick a football and wear socks. It's not much to ask. The operation would be in 3 hours from the phone call. I leapt (well limped at the chance).
The operation went well. Although when they injected the local under the tumour it felt more painful than it had ever done before. I had to grit my teeth and stiffen up to not pull away. Although it was strangely addictive and I looked forward to the second injection, which was painful but not as bad as the first. The 3rd and 4th were barely noticeable and he started prodding it and asked if I could feel it. Not a thing.
He cut a big lump out of my foot and yanked something out that was imbedded in there. He wasn't terribly subtle about it, but I couldn't feel a thing. I had a look and could see it cut wide open. Cool. Wish I filmed it. Apparently you can sell this shit for a few quid on rotten dot com.
I limped home and was annoyed they didn't give me any strong pain killers that I could keep for after the healing process. Trust me I asked and they said paracetamol will be fine. Fucking NHS.
So I'll be off work and gigs for the next week. Good job I've got a load of Belgian beers, chocolate, food, DVD, downloaded stuff, girlfriend, sarcastic flatmate (already called me Tiny Tim) and people popping over.
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Currently
watching
:
The Sopranos: The Complete Second Season
Release date: 06 November, 2001
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11:14 AM
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3 Comments - 6 Kudos
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Sunday, March 25, 2007
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I hosted a marvelous party
Current mood:  loved
I hosted a marvellous party again
It was so so much fun to be there
Leanne was being a cat head as usual
And Manera had wonderful hair
I made big pot that had chicken and bacon
Surrounded by wonderful sauce
Everyone ate and they listened to music
They all had no breakfast of course
Wine it was spilt on the non carpet floor
Which made it looked cleaner than normal
Janice was wearing a cool sixties dress
Coz I hate to have guests looking formal
Dizzy made puddings, Katrina washed up
And Sam was his usual dry self
Lucy got drunk and got very loved up
And looked like a sweet Xmas elf
Sophia was happy and told me she loved me
Then with Janice did a lesbo dance
G Man was cool, Coppoff he rules
But thankfully kept on his pants
Tina she managed to not snog my friends
Then what happens next so annoys
I had a big prick knock right on my door
To complain about all of the noise
I have to admit that the cause of his call
Was something quite fun to report
A bunch of us danced and was shouting out loudly
The words from the Motor's Airport
So I hosted a lovely party again
And everyone went home very pissed
And I'm sure if you asked them just what they all thought
They'd say it was not to be missed
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Currently
watching
:
The Sopranos: The Complete First Season
Release date: 12 December, 2000
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3:42 PM
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5 Comments - 8 Kudos
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Wednesday, March 21, 2007
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Ch Ch Ch Changes
Current mood:  bitchy
Had a good driving lesson and a meeting for the Free Festival. Things are looking excellent and have hopefully got a few new recruits for the sketch show. I've also recently written some more of raised 2b stupid, so I'm well happy. Getting impatient about the driving now. It's costing me a fortune and I want to get on the road ASAP. I've had the car for over two months now. I'll have to badger G into giving me another one of his "This is how you really do it" driving lessons.
I've also made the decision to pack my job at the library in. I can't stand working there and they're making more and more changes. Some for the better, some to justify their jobs. I've also had enough of people pissing at the top of the outside stairs, pissing in plant pots inside, arguing over the slightest thing, being allowed to use their mobile phones, the looming of a coffee machine we're supposed to fill up every day, being sworn at in Polish etc etc.
I don't know if I'll have enough cash to survive to well for the first few months or so, but I know things will pick up. Poverty has a way of giving you a kick up the arse. Got some well paid gigs and kids shows in the next month or so.
After the Free festival meeting Tommy Walamis came over and asked if he could have a headliner for his gig. I volunteered but didn't realise how drunk I was till I hit the stage. I thought I was great. Manera laughed as I walked off the stage and told me I was awful. He said I was getting words the wrong way round. I could have sworn the audience were laughing. Maybe they were laughing at me.
Made my way to Sophia's and collapsed in a drunken heap on her bed.
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Currently
listening
:
Blur
By
Blur
Release date: 11 March, 1997
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9:32 AM
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