Your Ego is OK, My Ego is OK - part three
Current mood: calm
Category: Religion and Philosophy

"Avarice, envy, pride, three fatal sparks, have set the hearts of all on fire." from "The Divine Comedy" by Dante Alighieri

In part one of this blog entitled "Your ego is OK, my ego is OK" we explored the idea that the ego is like a computer program running within our minds.  Its function is to judge what is good or bad for biological survival based on the parameters (values) it has been programmed with.  In part two, we explored the idea that the ego masks its own existence by constantly directing our focus towards changing everything outside ourselves.  In this installment, we will learn a method that has the potential to train the ego to play nice enough to allow us to consistently experience life at the consciousness level of unconditional love (which is a very realistic goal for most spiritual seekers in this lifetime).  Experiencing life at this level leads to great happiness and fulfillment.  It can also serve as a threshold to full enlightenment if that is your intention.

To review, the ego as constructed assumes that its function is necessary for the existence of life itself.  But it turns out that this is not an accurate assumption.  The ego assumes that it is a causal entity.  But again, this is a mistaken assumption.  The ego has no more power to cause anything to happen than a cassette tape player has to create music itself.  The epitome of narcissism is to believe that our personal ego based judgments are essential to our existence.  A higher truth is that our existence is nonlinear (timeless) and does not depend on anything linear like the ego based mind.  The Buddha, Christ, Krishna, Muhammad, Zoroaster, etc. all told us that our existence does not depend on the processes of the ego based mind.

So how can we refocus our awareness in a way that reduces the scope of the ego's unnecessary and often destructive programming?  There are as many ways as there are people in the world.  But certain principles are timeless and have been shown to be universally effective.  One of the best sets of principles leading to higher consciousness are the processes of twelve step groups.  Twelve step groups are universally recognized as providing a pathway from great suffering to great joy.  But rather than focusing on freedom from addiction to a substance, what would happen if we focus on freedom from the addiction to selfishness itself?  Remember that narcissism is the essential core of the ego. 

I propose we admit we are powerless over the narcissistic delusions of the ego and begin a journey toward freedom from narcissism.  So here's one universal method that anyone can utilize to move from a primarily ego based life experience to a more spiritually based life experience:

The 12 Steps of Narcissists Anonymous

1.     We admitted we were powerless over narcissism – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2.     Came to believe that the practice of unconditional love could restore us to sanity.

3.     Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the practice of unconditional love as we understood it.

4.     Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5.     Admitted to ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6.     Were entirely ready to have the practice of unconditional love remove all these defects of character.

7.     Humbly devoted ourselves to remove our shortcomings through the practice of unconditional love.

8.     Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9.     Made direct amends to such persons wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10.    Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11.    Sought through contemplation to improve our conscious practice of unconditional love as we understood it, seeking only knowledge of what unconditional love is and the willingness practice it.

12.    Having had an awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to all people, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Do you believe your attachment to the ego brings suffering or joy?  Can you imagine what life would be like without the constant pressures of narcissistic thought patterns?  Would you be willing to start a Narcissists Anonymous group in your local community?  Do you have any other comments or questions?

All perspectives are welcome.

Namaste,

Mike

Currently reading : Beginning Mindfulness: Learning the Way of Awareness By Andrew Weiss Release date: 04 February, 2004

2:49 AM - 6 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

I Owe You an Apology...
Current mood: calm
Category: MySpace

Dear Friend,

My deepest apologies to you and to all my friends on MySpace.  My last blog entry was on December 5, 2006 entitled "Your ego is OK, my ego is OK - part two".  Since then I've been neglecting my responsibilities as your friend on MySpace.  I sincerely apologize for neglecting our budding friendship. 

I obviously overestimated my ability to carry on a consistent relationship with you via MySpace.  I have come to realize that my family and financial responsibilities are threatening to overwhelm me.  As many of you know, my daughter struggles to cope effectively with mental/emotional challenges and addictions.  (For a little more information on these challenges, see http://www.askew2u.com/inspiration.html).  I have recently accepted guardianship responsibilities for her and she has come to live with me and my wife.  My new marriage (9/24/06) is extremely stressful now that my daughter has come to live with us.  My new wife was not prepared for the challenges of living with my daughter and is not coping well with the ongoing challenges.  Medical bills, the stresses of opening a new business (www.giftsforpaws.com), two mortgages (we have been unable to sell my old house thus far), etc. also threaten to overwhelm us.  Since I'm an introvert, my natural reaction to the threat of overwhelm is to go into hibernation which is what I did in the case of MySpace.  I temporarily shut down this part of my life.  Again, I apologize for making an implicit promise of friendship and consistent communication to you and then not fulfilling that promise.

Also, I had given myself a rather large task when I wrote the last installment of my blog series entitled "Your ego is OK, my ego is OK".  In that installment, I wrote about my intentions to:

"discuss how to shift your awareness and begin to allow the ego to run out of steam and embrace Self Realization as your identity (if that is your true intention).  If that is not your intention, then I plan to teach your ego how to play nice enough to allow you to consistently experience life at the consciousness level of unconditional love (which is a very realistic goal for most spiritual seekers in this lifetime)."

Many times over the past months I've sat down with the intention of writing the third installment.  But each time I came away empty handed and with the realization that I was unable to adequately communicate what I had intended to convey!  Although I am essentially living and practicing unconditional love myself, each time I tried to put these principles into words I kept coming up short!  So again I chose to hibernate rather than communicate this lack of capability to each of you.  Again, I apologize for ignoring my responsibility to keep the lines of communication open to my new friends on MySpace.  Even when I am feeling overwhelmed, I will do my best going forward to make at least monthly contact with you (prefereably weekly if I can manage it).

Thank you for your friendship.  Your encouragement means a great deal to me.  I now believe I am ready to write the third installment of "Your ego is OK, my ego is OK".  I'm going to work on that now...

Sincerely,

Mike B.

Currently reading : Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Create Your Life, Your Relationships, and Your World in Harmony with Your Values By Marshall B. Rosenberg Release date: 01 September, 2003

5:49 AM - 14 Comments - 13 Kudos - Add Comment

Your ego is OK, my ego is OK - part two
Current mood: sick
Category: (chest cold) Religion and Philosophy

"We have met the enemy, and he is us!"  Pogo – written by Walt Kelly

In part one of this blog entitled "Your ego is OK, my ego is OK" we explored the idea that the ego is like a computer program running within our minds.  Its function is to judge what is good or bad for our survival based on the parameters (values) it has been programmed with.  So if its function is survival, why is it that many of us don't like to admit that we have an ego?  Or for those of us who do, why do we tend to demonize it?  The answer lies in the structure of the ego itself.

The ego as constructed assumes that its function is necessary for our survival.  But it turns out that this is not an accurate assumption.  The ego assumes that it is a causal entity.  But again, this is a mistake.  The ego has no more power to cause anything to happen than a tape player has to create music.  When it is functioning it can copy, filter, and replay music, but it can't actually create it in the first place.  The ego function can copy, filter, and replay thoughts and produce output based on the values it is attached to (much as a computer program can be configured with various parameters).  But the ego is a secondary epiphenomenon.  We actualize its constant functioning by focusing our awareness on it.  But the ego is programmed to continue looping endlessly and thus ensure its own survival.  So every time we even approach the possibility that it's not needed, the ego processes those inputs and produces an output asserting that this possibility is absurd.  But when we actually look at the situation from within the context of higher consciousness, the ego begins to suspect that its days are numbered.  For people who are not devoted to Self Realization or who are not currently passing through the "dark night of the soul", there's really no reason to care whether the ego is necessary or not.  Therefore many of us don't even consider the possibility.

So what's the ego to do when it's confronted with spiritual teachers and texts that instruct us to be unconditionally loving, to trust in a higher power, to surrender and be peaceful, etc.  The ego views these ideas as nonsense.  "Why would I give up control?" it asks incredulously, "After all, life can't survive without me, right?"  But our awareness is drawn to higher levels of consciousness anyway.  So what can the ego do to ensure it gets plenty of attention while still ensuring its survival?  Within the collective consciousness, the ego has found a fascinating solution:  make itself the enemy and then hide its true nature!  It's positively Orwellian!  When the ego processes advanced spiritual concepts, it automatically outputs thoughts about the past, the future, and/or an idealized present that is in stark contrast to the reality of the eternal Now.  These projected thoughts have no reality in and of themselves.  But when we focus our attention on them we align our awareness with the destructive levels of consciousness including shame, guilt, apathy/hatred, grief, fear, desire, anger, and pride.  We tend to blame ourselves for not measuring up.  And this whole process strengthens and energizes the ego!!!  And just as in the novel "1984" by George Orwell, the ego projects itself outside of our sense of identity and finds destructive levels of consciousness everywhere "out there" for us to defend ourselves against.  It also keeps us focused on needing things "out there" to be happy, to thrive, and to survive.  This keeps us from actually looking at our own ego and realizing that it is just trying to survive at any cost – even to the point of physical death.

In part three I plan to discuss how to shift your awareness and begin to allow the ego to run out of steam and embrace Self Realization as your identity (if that is your true intention).  If that is not your intention, then I plan to teach your ego how to play nice enough to allow you to consistently experience life at the consciousness level of unconditional love (which is a very realistic goal for most spiritual seekers in this lifetime).  But for now this is enough to continue our discussion…

Do you believe you have an ego?  Do you believe your ego is necessary?  Can you imagine what life would be like without duality?  Do you have any other comments or questions so far?

I look forward (via the ego!) to learning what you believe.

Namaste,

Mike

Currently playing : PANZER GENERAL 2

9:29 AM - 25 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

Your ego is OK, my ego is OK - part one
Current mood: chipper
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Some of us don't like to admit it, but we all have an ego.  But exactly what is the ego?  And why don't we like to admit we have one?

Here's what I believe…

The ego is like a computer program that runs in our minds and interprets reality for us.  It's like a tape delay on steroids and is the source of our experience of duality.  When we focus our awareness on the ego based mind, it's like we're watching a small TV of a football game while sitting in the stands of the football stadium.  Rather than observe the game unfolding directly in the moment without any filtering (or better yet actually be in the game), we're transfixed on the delayed and processed version.  The delay is less than 1/10,000 of a second, so we think we're not missing much.  And the way the events are processed and fed back to us via the ego has worked so well for millions of years that we're not quite ready to give it up.  It divides up our sensory input into good/bad, friend/foe, hot/cold, nutritious/inert, caustic/benign, etc.

So where did the ego come from?  Think about what it would take for your body to survive without your massive frontal lobe (the thinking/creative centers of the brain).  A fight or flight response.  Feelings of desire/hunger/thirst.  Feelings of shame and guilt when we do something that harms life.  Feelings of hatred towards anything that harms our ability to survive.  The need to be right about our perceptions (because being wrong can lead to death in the wild).  Feelings of grief when we lost a source of sustenance.  Even maternal instincts (love), courage to protect our cubs, and balance to achieve homeostasis.  These are biological responses that are progressively programmed into higher and higher forms of life.

What's the major difference between our brains and the brains of animals?  The percentage of our frontal lobe versus the primitive centers of the brain.  We have a creative imaginative ability that animals do not.  We have the ability to conceptualize and reason in ways animals cannot.  But the primitive parts of our brain didn't just go away.  The frontal lobe was added on like a new room to a house that was constructed thousands of years earlier.  That primitive brain was programmed to get what it needed to survive over millions of years of evolution.  And the frontal lobe simply expanded and turbo charged that programming.  So now not only are we dualistic about our sensory input, we're also dualistic about our thoughts and concepts.

In part two, I'll discuss why we don't like to admit we have an ego.  But for now this is enough to start a discussion…

Do you think you have an ego?  Do you agree with my definition thus far?  Any comments or questions so far?

I look forward to learning what you believe.

Namaste,

Mike

Currently watching : C.S.I. Crime Scene Investigation - The Complete First Season Release date: 25 March, 2003

3:14 PM - 23 Comments - 17 Kudos - Add Comment

The Book of Revelation: Holy or Hoax?
Current mood: curious
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Was/is the New Testament Book of Revelation divinely inspired?  Or was it a hoax foisted upon Christianity and the world?

I know I'm walking into a minefield.  Here are my intentions:

It is my intention to:

• share my beliefs with you
• encourage you to question/examine your beliefs in a humble manner
• encourage you to share your beliefs with me
• utilize your responses to help me question/examine my beliefs in a humble manner

It is not my intention in this blog entry to:

• offend you
• persuade you
• proselytize you
• get anything from you other than your attention and thoughtful responses

In other words, it's my intention to spark a healthy discussion about a topic I believe to be vital to Christianity in particular and humanity in general.  So with that, I'll start walking out into the minefield…

I believe the Book of Revelation (a.k.a. Revelation) is best understood from within the context of condemnation, hopelessness, hatred, despair, and apathy.  I believe the rest of the New Testament books are best understood within the progressive contexts of unconditional love, peace that passes understanding, and Self Realization.

It is self evident that the meaning of any written content is based upon its context.  Anything taken out of context tends to lose its originally intended meaning.  So most of the work in understanding scripture is to understand the context from within which it was written.  The work of interpretation is to clarify rather than obscure.  So for example, the Shepherd's Psalm (Psalm 23) says "… your rod and your staff, they comfort me".  The intended meaning becomes clearer when you understand it from a shepherd's perspective (i.e. how a shepherd uses a rod and staff).  The Pentateuch's meaning becomes clearer when you consider it from within the context of law as opposed to the new covenant which is based upon freedom.  New Testament references regarding women in the church, eating meat offered to idols, etc. are best understood within the context of the culture and local customs of the day.  However, anyone who has read the New Testament realizes that Revelation stands in stark contrast to every other book in the New Testament.  When we attempt to understand Revelation from within the context of unconditional love, it doesn't make sense.  Adding cultural context doesn't bring it into focus either.  However, if we attempt to understand that book from within the context of a hoax, it makes perfect sense.

We have been led to believe that Revelation must be properly interpreted in order to be properly understood.  Some even claim that their interpretation proves that Revelation is a book about unconditional love and freedom.  But let's be careful not to be blinded by pride.  There's a significant difference between clarifying context versus obscuring the original meaning/intention of the text.  If the original text is a hoax, then any well intentioned person who attempts to interpret it as loving is merely obscuring the original context of hatred and despair with their own creative work written from within the context of love.  I can take a flawed roadmap and overlay it with a transparency that corrects it.  However, that doesn't change the fact that the underlying map is flawed.  And when a roadmap is as flawed as Revelation (which has historically led to suffering rather than joy), it's better to throw out the flawed map (or put it in a museum) and use the maps that work!

So what do you believe?  Is the Book of Revelation divinely inspired and Holy?  Or is it a hoax that deserves to be acknowledged as such and removed from your list of trustworthy sources of spiritual guidance?  Or is it something else entirely?  I'm very curious how you will respond…

Namaste,

Mike B.

Currently reading : The Power of Full Engagement: Managing Energy, Not Time, Is the Key to High Performance and Personal Renewal By Jim Loehr Release date: 21 December, 2004

4:43 AM - 28 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

Should we be thankful for 'evil'?
Current mood: calm
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! 

Today is the day each year we (in the USA) specifically set aside to remember to give thanks for the miracle of our existence and all the experiences that go with it.  It's easy to be thankful for the content of our lives that we are attracted to.  It's easy to be thankful for a warm home, family, good friends, etc. and certainly it's appropriate to express that thankfulness often.  But what about the content of our lives that we would rather avoid?  What about war, poverty, and bad hair days?  What about illness, death, and stepping in dog crap?

I believe it is a mark of spiritual maturity to intentionally begin to practice thankfulness for everything that manifests within our linear experience of reality.  But how can we be thankful for "evil"?  How can we be thankful for the reality we perceive when it seems to be completely against our nature to do so?  One way is to recognize that our perception of evil is based in the judgment of our minds rather than the discernment of our hearts.  Within our hearts we have the capacity to love unconditionally.  However we can't fully practice that love when our minds are blaring judgmental thoughts.  But how can we silence or reverse the judgmental thoughts we've all been programmed with?

Byron Katie shares a process that can help us in that endeavor.  She calls it "The Work" and I encourage you to check it out on her website at www.thework.com/ResourceIntroduction.asp .  Ms. Katie poses four questions for us to answer about every judgment we hold and then "turn it around":

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?
3. How do you react when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without that thought?

And finally turn it around - take the judgmental statement which denies reality and turn it around until it embraces reality.

In summary, in order to mature spiritually we must become grateful for everything in existence.  But in order to do that we must release our attachment to our limited and linear perspective of reality.  In other words, we must let go of the belief that anything is separate from the Allness of Divine Love.

What do you believe?  Is it appropriate to be thankful for "evil"?  Or is it more appropriate to hate it and "fight" against it?

Namaste,

Mike B.

P.S.  I encourage you to check out Byron Katie's books:

Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life

I Need Your Love - Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead

Currently reading : Devotional Nonduality (Discovery of the Presence of God) By David R. Hawkins Release date: 2006

4:45 AM - 21 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

Establishing Trust - Vulnerability
Current mood: energetic
Category: Life

Hello all!

As I mentioned in my last blog entry, I've recently been listening to a book on tape by Dr. Henry Cloud entitled "Integrity - The Courage to Meet the Demands of Reality".  The ability to establish trust in relationships is one dimension of a person of integrated character.  Dr. Cloud talks about building trust through connection, extending favor, and vulnerability.  In my last blog entry I wrote about extending favor.  This entry is about vulnerability.

In order for another person to trust us deeply, there must be a balance between strength and vulnerability.  We must be strong enough to be trusted but also vulnerable enough to be identified with and be approachable.  People need to see that we have human frailties in order to find us believable.  If we constantly project a facade of impenetrable strength, if we must always be "right", if we are too self conscious or self centered to be "real" with others, then ultimately we will not be trusted.

Being both vulnerable and strong allows us to provide encouragement to virtually everyone we interact with.  For example, I once had a member of my staff flop down in a chair in my office and express that she was completely discouraged about a computer programming project she was working on.  She could not focus, felt like she was running in circles, and wanted to just go home and cry.  If I had said, "I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so discouraged.  Of course, I've never had that problem.  What tools do you need to get this done?", then an opportunity to build a deeper level of trust would have been lost.  Instead I said, "I'm sorry you're feeling so discouraged but I can certainly relate.  I remember this project I had several years ago... (skipping the details).  I was very discouraged and seriously considered quitting and looking for a new job.  But instead I kept at it, asked for help when I needed it, and eventually grew into a more capable person as a result.  And I certainly have my days as a manager when I wonder if I've bitten off more than I can chew.  But I believe we all grow as a result of stress - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  So let's figure out what we need to do to get things back on track...".  This response allowed her to identify with me which then allowed her to realize that if I could do it then so could she.  We discussed the challenges she was facing, determined a plan for moving the project forward, and she went back to her cubicle feeling very encouraged.

In order to be deeply trusted, we must allow others to see that we are like them.  We must be able to recognize and communicate the points of commonality between us.  We all have things in common.  We all have a heart, mind, and body.  We think, feel, hurt, laugh, etc.  We all had parents or caregivers who shaped our early years.  We share the same earth and all that goes with it.  We have all known the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.  In short, we all have in common the human condition.

So I encourage all of us to be vulnerable enough to be trusted.  By sharing our vulnerability, we can share our experiences with others and help them to grow as we did (but in their own unique way).  By staying stongly connected with our higher power via unconditional love, we can be a bridge to a higher quality of life for everyone we touch.  On the other hand, we need to practice good stewardship over our bodies and practice discernment in the ways we show vulnerability.  It's naive to leave your doors unlocked and be vulnerable to robbers.  It's also unwise to trust people you know to be untrustworthy by being completely vulnerable and being set up for identity theft, etc.  Be vulnerable up to a point, but practice healthy boundaries where appropriate. 

I pray that this blog has been of benefit to you.  If it has, please let me know so I can be inspired to write more like it!  Also, please share your comments on establishing trust.  I'm very interested in what you've experienced in your life.

Namaste,

Mike B.

Currently reading : Integrity CD: The Courage to Meet the Demands of Reali By Henry Cloud Release date: 07 February, 2006

7:19 AM - 6 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Establishing Trust - Extending Favor
Current mood: creative

Hello all!

As I mentioned in my last blog entry, I've recently been listening to a book on tape by Dr. Henry Cloud entitled "Integrity - The Courage to Meet the Demands of Reality".  The ability to establish trust in relationships is one dimension of a person of integrated character.  Dr. Cloud talks about building trust through connection, extending favor, and vulnerability.  In my last blog entry I wrote about establishing connection.  This entry is about extending favor. 

A relationship is a sharing of who we are (or at least who we want others to believe we are) with another person.  For a person of integrated character, authenticity is highly valued so these people are fairly transparent and can be trusted in that sense of the word.  But in order for a relationship to naturally grow and deepen to its fullest potential, there must be an exchange of positive actions over time.  Positive or negative exchanges occur spontaneously based on people's intentions, karma, and prevailing circumstances.  In order to consistently build deep and trusting relationships, it is very beneficial to practice unconditional love and healthy boundaries.

Many people of good intention practice "win-win" relationships and that's excellent.  In other words, they do what's fair - as long as we're good to them, they'll be good to us.  But a win-win relationship is still a conditional relationship.  What happens when one person screws up (which is pretty much inevitable)?  If the relationship is conditional, there's usually a pretty negative exchange when one person's needs aren't getting met.  People in conditional relationships can never experience the levels of trust required to truly bond with another human being.

In order to realize the full potential of a relationship (a deep bond), both people must practice unconditional love.  Rather than looking out primarily for their own needs, each person must be equally focused on the other person reaching their full potential and experiencing the highest good.  Relationships based on unconditional love manifest a high degree of positive interactions over time.  And when there is an inevitable screw up, rather than experiencing a secondary negative interaction or disengaging, the two people come together to solve the problem.  That type of unconditionally loving interaction under stress automatically deepens the trust in the relationship to a whole new level rarely experienced by most people.  The two people experience a bond that is virtually unbreakable. 

If one is fortunate enough to be in a relationship with a consistently unconditionally loving person, then there is no need to protect oneself from them.  Unconditional love nurtures, supports, and protects all life regardless of the quality or content of that life.  So the unconditionally loving person is looking out for both people's best interests.  They are not interested in controlling the other person or getting things from them, but are rather interested in the realization of each person's highest potential.  But since over 99% of the people in the world are not unconditionally loving, chances are that most of our relationships will benefit from the application of healthy boundaries.

Healthy boundaries are simply unconditional love applied to oneself and another person along with a recognition of the reality that one or both people in the relationship is not consistently practicing unconditional love.  We can accept the other person "as they are" while saying "no thank you" to participating in negative interactions with them.  We can also prioritize our time such that we focus more on building relationships that have the potential to deepen, while maintaining relationships that have reached their potential for now.  Unless there is a physical threat, there is no need to completely disengage from any relationship - even ones with primarily negative people.

Does this mean that we ignore the negative actions of the people we love?  Of course not.  Sometimes it's in their best interest for us to perform an intervention on their behalf.  For example, if one of our loved ones is addicted to drugs, unconditional love compels us to practice "tough love" in our relationship with them.  These situations must be handled skillfully and often can benefit from professional assistance.  But the intention is to nurture, support, and protect life - both ours and those we love.

So I want to encourage all of us to practice unconditional love and healthy boundaries in all our relationships.  As we do, the entire world will become progressively more loving and enlightened.  It begins with each one of us right at this moment.  But in order for our unconditional love to resonate within the subjective reality of another person, there is a tricky balance between strength and weakness which we must communicate to them also.  I'll discuss how being vulnerable builds trust in my next blog entry.

Until then, I pray this blog has been of benefit to you.  If it has, please let me know so I can be inspired to write more like it!  Also, please share your comments on establishing trust.  I'm very interested in what you've experienced in your life.

Namaste,

Mike B.

Currently reading : Integrity CD: The Courage to Meet the Demands of Reali By Henry Cloud Release date: 07 February, 2006

7:46 AM - 5 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Establishing Trust - Connection
Current mood: hopeful
Category: Life

Hello all!

I enjoy listening to inspirational CDs on my drive to and from work each day.  I've recently been listening to a book on tape by Dr. Henry Cloud entitled "Integrity - The Courage to Meet the Demands of Reality".  The ability to establish trust in relationships is one dimension of a person of integrated character.  Dr. Cloud talks about building trust through connection, extending favor, and vulnerability.

A positive connection with another person can be established through empathy coupled with healthy boundaries.  Being non-judgmental and entering into the other person's experience enough to empathize is vital to building trust.  But it's also important to remember that it is still the other person's experience, not yours.  For example, when my daughter has felt suicidal, I have had the opportunity to build trust by empathizing with her feelings of despondency, shame, and hopelessness.  I can allow myself to resonate with and experience some of the pain that she's feeling.  Generally I do so by calling up memories of when I've felt despondent (also her feeling suicidal naturally brings up feelings of despondency in me).  However, I can't really experience what she's feeling because her experience is completely subjective.  I can only resonate in a way that is similar to what she's experiencing.

But in order to be a positive influence in my daughter's life under those trying circumstances, I must be like a bridge that resonates with her subjective experience while also resonating with the consciousness levels of unconditional love and peace.  In order to do that, I practice keeping in mind that "everything is exactly as it should be" (i.e. I experience gratefulness for reality as it is).  Keeping that in mind allows me to continue to resonate with a peace that passes understanding.  I also keep in mind that I nurture, support, and protect all life regardless of the quality and content of that life.  This allows me to continue resonating with unconditional love even when a part of my being is resonating with her subjective experience of self-hatred.

But experiencing empathy is not enough.  In order to truly connect and build trust with another person, they must know that you really do empathize with them and are standing with them in their subjective experience.   So it's vital for you to validate the other person's feelings (i.e. acknowledge that what they are feeling is perfectly acceptable), mirror those feelings from your perspective, and then ask if you've understood how they feel.  If they acknowledge that you've understood them, then congratulations, you've just made a connection!  If not, you then have the opportunity to ask questions to clarify how they feel so you can empathize with them appropriately.  Something I had to learn is that this kind of empathy can't be half hearted.  In order to truly connect with my daughter in her most painful moments, I had to feel pain myself.  It takes love and courage to enter into another person's painful experiences.

Once you've made that connection, you can begin to communicate the higher power of unconditional love and peace with them in a way that they can accept within their reality.  That's the idea of extending favor which I'll discuss in my next blog entry.  But in order for them to resonate with you, there is a tricky balance between strength and weakness which you must communicate to them also.  I'll discuss how being vulnerable builds trust in a later blog entry.

Until then, I pray this blog has been of benefit to you.  If it has, please let me know so I can be inspired to write more like it!  Also, please share your comments on establishing trust.  I'm very interested in what you've experienced in your life.

Namaste,

Mike B.

Currently reading : Integrity CD: The Courage to Meet the Demands of Reali By Henry Cloud Release date: 07 February, 2006

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The Ripple Effect: Networking for the Highest Good
Current mood: calm
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Hello!

I recently finished reading "The Ripple Effect: Maximizing the Power of Relationships for Life & Business" by Steve Harper.  For some time now I've been working on improving my "networking" skills.  I'm an introvert so I'm not a natural people person.  I'm much more comfortable with information and looking within myself rather than interacting with other people.  However, I'm also a compassionate and nurturing person so I feel it's important for me to share my blessings with others.

I've read several books on interpersonal skills, networking, etc. but I was still looking for one that viewed networking from a higher level of consciousness.  The Ripple Effect finally met that requirement.  The basic tenet of the book is that every interaction we have with other people creates ripples that eventually affect everyone in the world and ultimately come back to us.  It's sort of a Karmic perspective on networking.  So I'm eager to start putting some of the principles into action.

One of the concepts in the book is to classify people into three groups of networkers:  "Mavens", "Evangelists", and "Relaters".  Mavens (like me) ususally only network with people in order to gain knowledge from them and to impart information to them.  Evangelists are goal oriented and network in order to meet their own goals and/or perhaps help others meet theirs.  Relaters see networking as an end in itself - they just enjoy getting to know people for its own sake.  More evolved Relaters eventually become Connectors - they connect people in their network to each other so everyone benefits.

So after reading this book I've decided to start a MySpace page and begin paying attention to the potential mutual benefits that can accrue as I reach out to other people around the world.  The key for me will be to remember that I can only fulfill my purpose in life by reaching out to others.  Also it will be important for me to say "no thank you" to making connections with people who are ego based and essentially narcissistic.  There's nothing wrong with narcissistic people, it's just that I need to focus on building relationships that are mutually beneficial and that's generally not possible with ego based people.

Thank you for your kind attention.  If you like what you have read and are interested in striking up an acquantance with me, I encourage you to add me to your friends list.  In any case, I pray that right now you experience the highest possible good in your life.

Sincerely,

Mike B. 

Currently reading : The Ripple Effect: Maximizing the Power of Relationships for Life & Business By Steve Harper Release date: 20 May, 2005

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