every day i am new again

instead of feeling old on my birthday, i was grateful for getting to live for 31 years.

instead of freaking out when things feel far away, i am sitting in it, waiting for them to come closer. or not. because it is none of my business and i am not in charge.

every day i get to wake up to a new me and decide who i want to be. i am not tied to yesterday's mistakes or fear or judgement. today is all that is real for me right now, and today is new, and today is mine.

Currently listening : Knuckle Down By Ani DiFranco Release date: 2005-01-25

3:45 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

olives, hamsters, and surprises (subtitled: moose in a weeping willow)
Current mood: blessed

Wow. Life is a trip. I don't think I have ever been as happy, my life has ever been as full, things have ever been as clear as they are right now. Which is not to say that everything is easy. Of couse it's not. But the hard stuff becomes so much smaller when the good stuff is this big. I was just rereading my blogs, and I realized that the last one is not what I want to leave up as the most current version of me. I don't have any need to craft beautiful words and phrases, so this is just a sort of stream of consciousness brain dump, but it still feels lovely because it is my truth, and my truth fills me with so much joy it makes my heart ache. I am back in massage school, and between the class I'm in and TAing two classes, I am there four glorious days a week. I love it soooooo much. I am surrounded by real live fairies and goddesses and I am so blessed to have people in my life who help my heart to open simply by being who they are. My darling friends that I am living with right now wake me up every morning by singing to me. It is impossible to have a rough cranky start to a day when these girls are singing. Impossible. I am learning to walk with grace through the things that scare me, and I am learning not to listen so much to the voice inside that tells me I am not enough just as I am. Life is good. Really really really really really good. I am so happy. I am so filled with gratitude. I am so blessed.

1:04 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

elusion.illusion.allusion
Current mood: exanimate

Seaching for a depth of experience which seems to elude me. Joy without meaning, meaning withour understanding, understanding without compassion, compassion without love- all seem beautiful, but without their complements are incomplete, no matter how big they may feel. How do you find the cohesion? What ties these things together? Where do you go to fill in the gaps?

I decided to stay in this city of lost angels to try to find some sort of clarity for myself, instead of running away and leaving behind a bunch of half answers and almost friends. But what next? I'm here. Now what? I know poets that fill the air with magic, djs that paint the sky with sound, artists that make the abstract concrete, and in all of them i find these indescribable moments of full complete perfection, but it is all fleeting, and in the morning I wake up to emptiness again. Emptiness, where possibilities emerge, yes, but sometimes the echoing silence is so loud I forget that I used to know how to fill the spaces in between with complete perfection of my own.

I have not written or painted or collaged in months. I know that, for me at least, creativity seems to be cyclical, and it comes and goes of its own will, but I miss it and I don't know how to call it back on demand. I am so thankful to be in an orbit of incredibly gifted creative souls, it carries me through my dry spells, but someone else's is not mine, and it is never enough.

I miss passion, I miss love, I miss the fire in my belly. I miss the words which used to pour out of my head so quickly that my mouth and hands couldn't keep up. I miss the pictures that used to come through me. I miss being a conduit for the creative source. I miss my friends. Where have you all gone?

"The problem is all inside your head she said to me. The answer is easy if you take it logically. I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free...."

10:51 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

feeling peripheral
Current mood: rejected

Burning Man brought many epiphanies, much clarity. It became abundantly clear to me why it is that I have such a hard time in this city. I know my tendency towards solitude must play some part in it, but even taking that in to consideration, I find myself bummed out and a bit hurt time and time again when I hear about the great times my friends have had only long after the fact, when they take off without me when I'm standing right there, when I look at pictures of an event I was at with my friends, and I'm not in a single one of them. Without meaning to sound whiny, what about me? Why am I so fucking peripheral? I don't fucking get it, but it makes me sad...

Currently listening : Roots, Rock, Remixed By Bob Marley & The Wailers Release date: 31 July, 2007

7:25 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

remembering myself
Current mood: blissful

i had forgotten, but i remember now...

Currently listening : Lyricist Lounge, Vol. 1 By Various Artists Release date: 04 June, 2002

3:07 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

what's in a name
Current mood: crushed

ever get that knot in your stomach that won't go away... you know, the one that tells you that you have made some spectacularly bad choices... yeah, that one. it has taken up permanent residence, moved in some time around november first, and seems to be settling in for the long haul. i've been trying to talk it in to leaving. if that doesn't pan out, maybe i should name it...

"drink up, it's last call, last resort, but only your first mistake..."

Currently listening : From Under the Cork Tree By Fall Out Boy Release date: 03 May, 2005

3:00 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

the journey
Current mood: amused

life is a trip these days. connect. disconnect. love. dance. laugh. learn. illuminate. touch. grow. i remember who i was, and i am still her, but i am nothing like her. it gets a little uncomfortable sometimes, but from discomfort comes growth, and i am growing daily at a rate that feels as if it should be visible to the naked eye if you just sit back and watch for a minute. i am crawling down out of my head and learning to live in my body, growing in to it, i suppose, and i am being handed gifts from the universe in the form of a moment, a day, a breath, a coincidence (which is never really coincidental),  that all tell me i am headed in the right direction..

Currently listening : St. Elsewhere By Gnarls Barkley Release date: 09 May, 2006

6:03 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

joy and sorrow
Current mood: numb

One of the last things my father ever said to me was that he was really glad that I was so happy. I'm grateful that I was able to tell him, honestly, that my life was exactly what I'd always wanted it to be. Only now I am so consumed with sorrow that I wake up sick to my stomach, and it doesn't go away until I fall asleep, then I wake up again and it's still there. I find myself stuck for ten, twenty minutes at a time, unmoving, unable to do anything. It has happened on the couch, in the bathtub after all of the water had drained out, in my car after I drove back from the grocery store. I have no way to describe all of this. It is unlike anything I have ever felt, any other mourning I have known. It is deep, suffocating, intertwined with intangible wisps of disbelief, then back into the marrow of it all. My father has no marrow anymore. It is ash at the bottom of an ocean. My father's family didn't invite my sister or me to the memorial service. Do you suppose they forgot? My father is gone and there is this gaping hole in me. I can not imagine what it will be like the next time I go back to Hawaii. I can not imagine what it means that my father is dead. It is still incomprehensible to me. My eternal struggle with the eternity of death. The foreverness of it is something I do not do well with. I have crawled off of my couch and out in to the world a few times in the last week and a half, for a few hours here and there, and the world is just too much. The sky as I was walking from my car to my apartment last night made me so sad, it was just before sunset, when the light begins to soften, and there was a gentle breeze, and it was soooo beautiful... and my father was dead. I feel like I need to be happy again, but I just don't know how to yet, how to find joy in the midst of all the sorrow...

3:55 PM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

post apocalyptic dream world
Current mood: indescribable

I had a dream last night that is a continuation of a dream I had about two weeks ago. I don't know how to describe it except with the phrase that was in my head when I woke up after both dreams. Post apocalyptic dream world. I can only imagine that these dreams have something to do with the radical change I am undergoing in every aspect of my life right now. Strange, the etherial quality the apocalypse had. Strange. Soft light, pulsating energy, calm stronger than the panic. I watched everyone in my dream running around in a frenzy, and all I did was collect seeds, literally, to plant my new life, to become self sustaining and survive the changed world.

Currently listening : Songs of Freedom By Bob Marley Release date: 16 November, 1999

1:16 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

lugubrious
Current mood: pensive

the sky behind the mountains is grey. a few buildings are still lit orange by the last of the sunlight. it rained this morning. such a beautiful, melancholy, retrograde day...

Currently listening : Little Plastic Castle By Ani Difranco Release date: 17 February, 1998

5:36 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment