I’ve been chortled
Category: Blogging

http://www.chortle.co.uk/correspondents/2008/06/26/6977/dont_forget_the_writers...

12:44 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Stationery Shenanigans
Category: Blogging

Everyone has people in their office who are always in early, desperately showing you up in front of your boss as you try to slink in at 11 o'clock with the hangover from hell and a mouth that feels like its been on a stamp collectors convention.
But these early fuckers haven't destroyed their Winnie the Pooh alarm clock to impress the boss but have snuck in early to nick all the stationery supplies. Go on check their bags and coats and you'll find a pile of fucking biros, highlighters and bloody post its.

The best way to nick post its is to apply them to your body, no really cause I know post it's themselves actually defy their name and don't stick to bugger all but the very last one with the stiffer backing is actually quite sticky. Obviously the smoother the surface the better the adhesive qualities, so for that reason I generally recommend a buttock clenching tussle with a few wax strips the night before.

If you want to up the ante with your work colleagues, then the pinnacle of stationery stealing is lever arch files. Mainly cause, they're big, cumbersome fuckers to try and get out of the door. A little like Katie Price's nipples on a cold day, fucking obvious to anyone in a 5 mile radius. The key to nicking them is to just be totally nonchalant. The theory goes like this, nab a lever arch file from the stationery store at about 4.30, but also make sure you nick some of those fiddly 12 part dividers. Then spend 15 mins printing out rubbish from your pc, doesn't matter what it is, Tesco shopping bill, Amazon wishlist or that picture of Scarlett Johanssen in a compromising position with a courgette, just as long as you can print some old rot out without anyone seeing. Then make a big old show of stuffing all the paper into the lever arch file. At 5 o'clock walk smartly out of the office ensuring you hold the lever arch file to your chest.
For added effect make sure you have a briefcase and if possible a handbag banging against your thighs and really make an effort to look like you're struggling with all the work you're taking home.

True office professionals can even pull off a box file (although those spring levers can cause an inordinate amount of pain to your extremities) which is perfect camouflage for pens, stapler, biscuit tin, printer or Malcolm the mail boy.

11:13 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Ninja nocturnal notation
Category: Blogging

Cats are bloody ninja's.  Their assasination skills are never more evident than on a late night blogging/writing/chatting/porn *err ahem* research night.  You're happily wrapped up in your jims jams, tippy tapping away when you realise that 'it's going to be a long one' and only a thermos of tea will get you through the night. 
So you head towards the stairs and being the middle of the night you daren't switch on any lights lest you hear:

'What are you doing up? Are you on the internet again? Is that porn? Make us a cuppa'. 

So with jim jams wafting round your ankles, you head towards the stairs where your bare foot alights upon fur. 
Whoosh, kerdunk as you end up flat on your back doing that impression of Legolas on his baking tray, wizzing down the stairs at break neck speed with cat talons attached to your downstairs bits (well they're certainly downstairs now, along with half your 'Lilliput lane' collection).

No sooner have you booted one of them out of the way and located your chiropractor's number than another one shoots out from under the sofa, sending you, your tea and your choccie hobnobs flying.

This must be where that 90% (or whatever) of accidents occur at home statistic comes from?  People going arse over tit as Tiddles sharpens his claws for his next contract killing (balaclava and rifle optional)

8:46 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Snap, crackle and pap?
Category: Blogging

Manufacturers have gone mental – what on earth do they mean by adult cereal? 


One can only assume it's available in discreet packaging, sits on the top shelf and is found abandoned on railway sidings.

8:42 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

What a brave thing to say
Category: Blogging

When naturists are commenting on bravery, do you really think they say
'blimey mate, I admire your balls'?

8:31 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Dr Who?
Category: Blogging

The great Dr Who debate, guaranteed to get over 30 years olds more riled up than discussing house prizes.  I know what you're all thinking oh yeh just who was the best Dr Who in the entire cosmiverse, but no you would be wrong I'm talking about the debate brewing about just how bloody scary the daleks were.

Now I was never one of those kids who used to hide behind the sofa with a crocheted cushion in front of them screaming like a cat in heat when the daleks came on screen – but maybe I just came to them a bit late.

I mean by the time I was watching the daleks I'd actually already seen a dustbin.  That's all daleks were dustbins on bloody rollers.  Ok dustbins on rollers with sink plungers, which quite frankly was all a bit homoerotic but nevertheless they were fuckin dustbins.

If you're going to be afraid of daleks then you might as well be afraid of Metal Mickey, the Smash robots and Dusty bin.

Now if you really wanted to strike fear into the heart of any 7 year old you plonked them down in front of Wurzel Gummidge.  Aunt Sally on her own was pretty damn scary but Worzel Gummidge was like an early version of Hellraiser.

They say kids these days see too much violence, that TV shows and computer games are morally corrupting the youff of today – yeh right Worzel Gummidge used to take his bloody head off – bet you wouldn't see that on bloody Dick and Dom in da friggin bungalow.

'Hi viewers you join us here today for the first ever beheading shown on British TV.  Now coming up to the stand is Mr W Gummidge from Ten Acre Field. 

Taking to the stocks today we can see he's wearing a rather natty tweed and wheat combo in Autumnal colours as befits this glorious September morning.

And here he goes ready to take up the challenge….ker clunck

And it's off in one swift and smooth movement, surely the judges have got to be impressed by the speed of that removal.  Of course the tension mounts within the crowd as we wait to see what the final outfit will be.
 
As always the competitors have a variety of heads to choose from and the panel will be looking for style, grace and of course originality.

Ooh he can't decide but he's going to go for…..Yes and he's gone for the slightly bemused face, always a crowd pleaser. 

The judges scores are in with 6's across the board, letting himself down by going with the overused bemused face. 

A great show by Mr Gummidge though and one that I'm sure has won him a few new fans in this difficult arena'.

3:26 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Love?
Category: Blogging

In my experience most men find it very difficult to say ’I love you’ and even have problems with similar sounding words like dove and glove

must cause chaos in the magic circle..

12:52 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Burning Bints
Category: Blogging

God we have a stupid fire alarm voiceover bint at work…
Pingy pong 'A fire is being investigated in an adjacent building, please wait for instructions'
'pingy pong 'a fire has been investigated and no further action need be taken'

No but knock yourself out if you want to have a skive and stand outside in the British drizzle for half an hour. Realising once you're outside and the damn luminescent fire warden harpy won't let you back in the building, that you've forgotten to take your coat, and yer fags are inside mocking you.

Even worse is the fire alarm test – I mean what sort of test would you set a fire alarm.

Hello Mrs Shrill annoying Bell, please answer the following questions to the best of your ability:

10:40 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Crop Circles - New theory stuns scientists
Category: Blogging

Ok we all know these were faked and were actually made by 2 guys with large snow shoes and rather too much cider but really wouldn't a much better explanation be drunk moles?

Stay with me on this one.

Ok fields are full of barley, which in turn, changes into hops which the heat of the sun ferments into beer. This seeps through the ground into the underground tunnels.

So imagine if you will, a tunnel full of pissed up moles looking for entertainment on a Friday night. They've drunk their own body weight in Boddingtons, pissed off all the female moles with their original version of 'going underground' and now tradition dictates that they must venture above ground to go in search of the holy grail of Kebababorough.   

3:54 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Deal or no deal
Category: Blogging

Are promises of an after life just like one of those dodgy supermarket deals?  You know, buy one, get one free?

Atheists lucking out at the pearly gates, when St Peter shakes his head and says 'see what you could've of won'.

2:22 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment