See you in a week

I will be in the desert this week cracking open, processing the perils of the state of my existence, and those of the greater sphere of humanity presently upon us. I thought last year was tough. This year has seen a lot of pain and defecit amongst the people. I can tell this "burn" will be heavy.

Looking to start all over again when I return.
see you in a week.

6:17 AM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

my first hour

change up my messiah
every 5 and a half minutes
or so

take me god of
raucous life of the party
dress my friends up just for show
see them as they really are
kiss every one of them

disfigure me god of
the haze
delude my perception
close in on me
be frank
dress my thoughts from the skies

transform me god of
my chameleon
feed me through others
let me choke on every one of them
as I learn to become

inspire me god of
the creature muse
you bleed me to life
i bleed you to life
for the world to see

covet me god of
vanity
be my vice
rot me from the inside
pickle my skin
lets cut deep
lets have a love-hate
until i learn to let go of you

clear a path for me
god of psychic homeostasis
find me the spot to nestle my sensitivities

crush me
god of my devotion
astonished and enraptured i can barely speak
forget, forget, with a secret harmonic emotion

Currently listening : Aion By Dead Can Dance Release date: 1994-02-15

2:53 AM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

glimpses of Finland

inbetween-moments
glimpses of Finland

i watched the sun dwindle at dusk from my window seat
our train clacked through forest foreign anonymous
endless birch, lakes and rivers, mostly flat some hills
Slavic land a bit desperate and cross with lingering flavor of Scandinavia

waking up coming to........... realizing I'm in Finland, not California
Matlena's grandmother is already in the kitchen.
We don't speak each other's language but she likes me because we can see it in each other's eyes.
I am outside again picking at the berry brambles
I am outside again inspecting the pile of fish entrails behind the house
My ear is still plugged from swimming at the lake behind the sauna
Raphi and I are pushing each other in the cart

Matlena and I go to the flea market in Helsinki
we get some fried fish for lunch
She buys a ring made from a shell and she still wears it
I buy a hammered silver ring from the man who made it and I still wear it.

11:53 AM - 7 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

i just set my room on fire

and thankfully caught it and put it out before the whole place went up in flames.... but seriously, this could have been the real deal just now. took a shower while candles unattended burned down into my wooden bookshelf, the bookshelf and articles on the shelf were in flames when I re-entered my room....
I didn't smell anything... i just have amazing timing...


the actual point of writing this was to say thank you to those watching out for me.

1:20 AM - 8 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

Lost my passion for a bit

This is really two blogs in one... wanted to talk about passion..

realized today there's nothing in my life at the moment that stimulates me to passionate extremes. No person, no activity, except for the circus and dancing but those are asides anyway...

Yet, I have been tied into people and activities... particularly to people, without passion. almost feeling like I cannot feel anything at all or cannot be extraordinary, almost that all I have to offer is mediocrity... but i have not been moved to be extraordinary, and I cannot be bothered to fake it for people who do not move me.

which leads to the conclusion that I am wasting my time again.

I've lost my vigor for persons who once were exciting.

I'm turning to music again. To the art. I need to recoil and recluse, to tap into my private world again...


tapping in.. realizing it's down there. I think I may need to make some music. I may need to. I'm lucky now to know a lot of musicians and producers... Very lucky ... i should think about making demos




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Scarlett Johansen, she sounds like Nico meets Sinead meets something folky meets Sigur Ros. The album is carried by a mood--that's nice. It sounds like an album for the lesbian community. There's a 60s quality, yet it fits into contemporary indie.. i think bowie is providing backing vocals .  They're all Tom Waits covers. anyway....

Tonight is about looking for what is distinctly and authentically me. I need to be in and of myself.  

it's very difficult for me to retain my autonomy of self when I interact with the outside world. I'm always so lost in the sea of my experiences

temperance and moderation.  Supposedly this is a big thing in my life. I was having a conversation about indulgence the other day. He said he's a total addict, abusing and overindulging to help him deal or whatever, and the conclusion we came to is that I'm already walking the edge of sanity as it is so the moderation and temperance thing is key lest I drop over the psychotic edge. Psychosis is always fun at first, before it gets out of hand.


(I'm moving to Oakland tomorrow. If ya'll don't know where Oakland is, it's just across the bay from San Francisco. 15 minutes away.)

Hej to the second half of the year! To a new home! To a new routine! To newfound stability! To more regular income! To more creativity! To more friends! To more community involvement!

this is a super random post, I know.... it's been a while

12:31 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

3 notes for the evening

1. I think you all know I'm not a self-riteous Christian, or religious, but I do believe in a higher unseen force, call it quantum physics, call it GOD, whatever.. it's very important to Pray to GOD and the UNIVERSE for the miracles you need and they will find you. Wow...... this has worked out for me lately (as it always does), and fast. God is speedy. And, try to understand your subconscious desires and frustrations. This will help you align your conscious and subconscious rather than pit these forces against each other.

2. Don't believe Doctors, they exaggerate in their favor and conceal risks. When it comes to your body, do your own research. it's YOUR BODY... besides, health care in America is PRIVATE! They want our money... yah i'm a bit pissed

3. Embrace this period of change. We all have just come out of a very fucked up winter. It was chaotic and depressing, moreso than usual I think. If I'm not wrong there are a lot of people undergoing massive transformations right now. Breakups, major relocations, shedding the winter, moving into a more functional lifestyle for the remainder of the year.. I get the sense that people are feeling this everywhere.

WOW, so much is going on this summer and fall. I have more on the calendar than ever before. looking forward to the next few months.. i may be online less :) maybe....

by the way, I really appreciate that people take their time to read my blog. How nice :)

11:26 PM - 6 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

have I mentioned how much I love tea

cure for everything.

more of my favorite things (This is a serious list people. These really are the things that make me warm and fuzzy, and henceforth i claim them as mine):

~hot baths.(really hot.. 2 degrees below scalding so I'm all red and surly looking like a pacific rockfish)
~yoga.
~flowers (a well manicured rose bush, or wild bluebells)
~arranging flowers
~nice smelling things like lavender and sandalwood and yummy pheromones (as op. to the raunchy ones..)
~animals (esp. fruit bats (LOVE))
~my pets dead and gone (RIP Pepper, Thora, Jerry)
~the piano and the fucking symphony (yes.. in the same way bukowski loved the symphony... fuck the people who go)
~chocolate (bittersweet and dark)
~berries
~sweet goat cheeses
~mango juice
~garlic in my system
~I would say a good book but it just isn't so.. reading is a chore for my dyslexic brain.
~a good picture book
~ribbons and bows on my person
~the texture of fabrics
~sometimes hiding and being cozy
~water in any form
~fire (non-threatening)
~oils (so 'visceral')
~spending time in nature
~the cenotes in Cancun (so far my fav place on the planet)
~Norway during the summer
~natural objects (shells, bones, rocks, dirt, wasp paper, egg shells)
~accomplishing my goals (makes me fucking ecstatic!)
~a clean house
~sometimes cleaning
~adrenaline rushes (racing assholes in coupes on hwy 17)
~swimming
~cycling
~sailing
~hot air balloons
~the circus
~sacred/sanctuary spaces (are like black holes in the fabric of reality.)
~that dead period in the middle of the night that could last an eternity
~anything I can explore (such as an old mansion.. i have elaborate dreams of exploring mansions)
~anything creepy (the creepier the better, defunct battle ships and/or concentration camps a plus)
~meditation (cheap alternative to therapy)
~intimacy (as in relating to other people)
~tori amos (in full fleged feminista form)
~good music and good concerts
~sometimes good drugs too (but only of the psychedelic variety... fuck hard shit)

not quite as corny as julie andrews' list.. close though

now you know a little bit about me. What are your favorite things ( if you want to share?)
 

Currently listening : The Fragile By Nine Inch Nails

9:21 PM - 19 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

..... something is wrong

I just did a thesaurus search on the word "hope" http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/hope and it came back with

No results found for hope.

11:26 AM - 8 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

the little big things you do

everything you accomplish
whether you burned years to get there
or just woke up one day and did it

is great
in itself
a feat of spirit

maybe it moved someone to tears
showed someone the light
got someone through another day
made you an idol in someone's mind
maybe someone else called it crap
maybe someone else liked the part you wished you could do over
and after that
maybe noone else noticed

what did you expect?

4:27 PM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Thank god for morning

  Yesterday has slipped between dreams, burned off at the first light of dawn. Thank god for brand new days, and for the unpredictablity of life.

Last night Michelle and I saw VAST at the Red Devil Lounge. It was the most intimate show I'd been to for such a large band. Chelle and I spoke to the band afterward at the bar for a while, which was a truly exceptional experience for me since I've been a big fan since 2002. This album and Iggy Pop's Lust for Life, and Nine Inch Nails' Pretty Hate Machine carried me through that summer, painting David Bowie in the garage. Jon was way tooooooooooooo humble. The show was really awesome and his singing voice is way impressive in person.

Oh yeah, what I wanted to say was that they took some video footage of our show for their up and coming concert DVD. Michelle and I were front and center and there was a lot of panning across our faces. Jon said he was going to post it on YouTube. If i can find it I will post it!!

Currently listening : Visual Audio Sensory Theater By VAST Release date: 28 April, 1998

9:24 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment