Bloodsucking Cinema (2008) Movie Review - Racist Vampires!
Current mood: thirsty for blood
Category: thirsty for blood Movies, TV, Celebrities
Ahaha, no racist vampires here. I just liked the last blog about HANCOCK.
Anyway, here is the review for BLOODSUCKING CINEMA, a documentary about "the origin and evolution of vampires." My review is pretty much me arguing about how much they left out and one glaringly obvious incorrect statement made about the origin of the vampire mythos. Dudes, I don't even like vampires. In fact, they are my least favorite subgenre in horror. But it bugs the shit out of me when people get their facts wrong especially if they are selling this information to other people.
And I even made a reference to the fat chicks that my editor WIL loves talking about.
Do you like vampire flicks? What are your favorite vampire movies? Who gave your favorite portrayal of a vampire? Do you believe that only people that can't get laid like vampires? And [insert what ever other bullshit you would like to discuss here]?
Me? Again, I don't dig vampires flicks at all becase 1. Vampires are not scary and 2. I never understood why most women are portrayed as lesbians. My favorite subgenres will always be zombies, werewolves, slashers, dolls, demons, etc.
But I loved Romero's MARTIN. (For those of you who think Romero only does zombie movies, you must check this one out. I promise you it is one of his best films.) And I liked Lee and Lugosi's portrayal of Dracula best. Even Regehr in MONSTER SQUAD was pretty cool. Most of you already know that I can barely stand Rollin's anything or Franco's trash. They are one of the main reasons I dislike vampires so much.
Okay the answer to the previous blog is: GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS. I totally added that bitch to my NetFlix queue. The scene where the 60yo drag lady makes about 20 attempts to shoot a TV scene and fails every time is hysterical. Anybody who's worked in film before can appreciate this.
So I was reading an old issue of Entertainment Weekly (because my subscription ran out and my broke ass has resorted to "borrowing" issues from a friend which means I take them for Fo-Evah) and I read something about the film HANCOCK being racist because Will Smith is paired with Charlize Theron on screen. And last I checked, Smith was Black and Theron is kinda White bread (she was raised in South Africa and I guess that doesn't count even though by my estimates she is more African than he is).
So the movie question of the day is: Do you think it is racist to pair a White woman with a Black man on screen?
The article seemed to imply that Hollywood is scared of Black actresses and is therefore racist. My argument would be that if Hollywood was so scared of "Darkies," then Smith would be out of a job himself. Okay, okay. You wanna argue Smith is white-washed? Fine.
But I still feel the exact opposite. Showing an interracial relationship on screen as though it is not abnormal and not even a topic of discussion seems more like a step forward than a step backward to me. Theron could have been Black. She could have been Yellow. I'm pretty sure she could have been any color, except Blue because that's weird, and it wouldn't have changed the plot of the movie. Their race wasn't an issue in the film. I have no idea what it is outside of the film.
On top of that, you got mortal and immortal couples banging. Then you have a White chick getting with a White dude that already has a kid from some other baby mama and that isn't even an issue. May I add a slightly off-color joke about the Black superhero being an alcoholic and not a crackhead? That's what we call progress.
And I don't believe this is the first time that Smith was paired with a White broad either. Didn't he have a thing for Tea Leoni in BAD BOYS? What about Linda Fiorentino in MEN IN BLACK? Bridget Moynahan in I, ROBOT?
Um, yeah okay. It has been a damn while since I've blogged anything. My real life has been a bit chaotic as of late and I only poke in and out of the e-world now. I've actually read quite a few blogs, but haven't posted on any of them because I don't have the time. Long story short- I was laid off (and other random acts of zaniness ensued) and have been doing crazy things during the week. I'll probably blog later and post some pictures of what I have been up to. Reviews and movie chat will follow soon enough. And it appears as though I gained about 20 new readers and I have no idea who the hell they are because MySpace doesn't list readers in order of subscription date. Because, you know, that would make too much sense.
Anyway, my dear Lana (It's Complicated) told me she is on her period and is in dire need of some TLC (Tough Luck Chica). So I'd post something funny, but don't have the time to be witty. I know some of you think I can just come up with shit on the spot, but the truth is that I must deliberate on the matter for several hours. Then I just steal someone else's jokes.
So...where am I going with this? Oh yeah, can someone please tell me what tranny movie this is? Here is a brief description of it:
I recall seeing this about 2-4 years ago (the last 6 years of my life have been a complete blur mainly because I choose to ignore it and I drink heavily). I rented it from Hollywood video and pretty sure it was straight-to-DVD. It is a cast of all males playing females, but I believe it was played straight and not for laughs. It was about an really old previously famous lady living in SoCal who then takes in a plump ingenue and the old bag gets insanely jealous. The main scene I remember is at the end the old lady is performing on camera and her top comes off (I have no idea why) and it reveals the nastiest pasty white saggy titties I have ever seen.
So can anyone name this movie? I thought it was funny as hell. I think.
And please do NOT say ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW, PRISCILLA QUEEN OF THE DESERT, MOMMIE DEAREST, HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH, TO WONG FU, etc. I think I am gay-friendly enough to have seen those damn flicks like a bajillion times. This movie I am thinking of is way more obscure. I don't recall seeing any reviews for it online or in magazines.
(I have a lot of new readers. Hooray! I was asked why I linked to certain articles before. For those of you still confused, I write for Horror Yearbook and 2Snaps and other places. I link to that stuff because I either wrote the damn article or just feel like fucking linking to it! P.S. WIL is my editor on those 2 aforementioned sites.)
Anyway, hope you all had a pleasant Labor Day Weekend. I recall I went to 3 BBQs and some other nonsense and barely slept for 4 days. I'm getting my crap together and will post some more reviews and what not soon enough.
Twilight is some movie or whatever based on a Romeo & Juliet-type vampire pseudo-homo-erotic-teen-gay-porn book (my terminology, please quote me). They called for extras and WIL posted pictures of fat chicks that showed up. According to WIL, the only thing "fat chicks dig more than food is vampires." And I could tell you WHY he feels they like vampires, although I promise you it is infinitely more offensive than anything he has already written. Who feels like arguing this one? Let the battle begin!
WIL Offends People Part 2. So WIL called into some podcast (that apparently is run by friends of mine that I never even knew about?) and asked if this director was a tranny. WIL then called my cell and asked if he could sleep on my couch. Guess which of these elicited the greatest amount of laughter from me.
William Lustig talks Maniac Cop 4. Um, didn't I already break this news months ago?? I interviewed Lustig in TexASS and he was already talking about it then. The videos are somewhere on my page and/or YouTube. And $5 says Bruce Campbell will not have anything to do with this, but that won't stop him from talking endlessly about the possibility in an attempt for lots of attention.
Ah, who remembers Jim Wynorski? Chopping Mall, Sorority House Massacre II, etc. Great films. I love that the guy who made The Lusty Busty Babe-a-que gets insulted when WIL asks if he tried to get Heather Locklear naked in Return of Swamp Thing. Priceless.
Hope everyone has a nice Labor Day weekend (although I am positive half of you will be online and not at the beach).
Gotta love those damn Italians. Here is a review of the Eurotrash Triple Feature. I recall having fun with this one. I have a Demons Triple Feature coming up too, which was probably the most fun review I've written in months.
Bad Inclination aka Cattive inclinazioni (2003) Written & Directed by Pierfrancesco Campanella
"....By the end of the film there are at least 4 different murderers (that I kept track of) with all different motives. Apparently everyone in Italy is really pissed off. But not as pissed as me."
Faceless (1987) Written & Directed by Jess Franco
..."Jess Franco somehow managed to make a film I wouldn't classify as shitty. I would call it 'not bad,' which in the world of Franco means 'really fucking good. Give the boy an Oscar!'..."
Witchery (1988) Directed by Fabrizio Laurenti
..."Okay so a long time ago some villagers chased a pregnant lady out the window of a house. I think she was Satan's lover or what have you. Now cut to the present and I am confused..."
I must be the biggest weirdo. I can watch disgusting horror movies, really cheesy flicks, period love dramas, action comedies, cartoons, Asian revenge films, sexual dramas and then some all in the same week. Let's talk movies!
TROPIC THUNDER – So I narrowly escaped having to see (what I am assuming what is…) the shiteous MIRRORS movie and saw this for a friend's birthday instead. Great movie. "I don't read the script. The script reads me."
KISS KISS BANG BANG – Damn this was a pretty good movie. More people should have talked about it. Didn't like the narration too much and I found it hard to believe that Robert Downey Jr. would be an idiot burglar (I actually thought that was some kind of a joke), but the rest of the film was great. Best scenes were the "spider in the bra" and "pissing on a corpse."
SYMPATHY FOR MR.VENGEANCE – So I finally saw this after falling in love with OLDBOY and LADY VENGEANCE. I'd say it was pretty good, but not as tight as the other two. I liked that the lead character in this is deaf and mute. There are several scenes where there is no dialogue at all and yet Park can still tell a fine damn story. The ending is somewhat screwed up like the other films, but this just didn't touch me in the same way.
DANGEROUS BEAUTY – I love me some period flicks. This one may even be tolerable to some males because it is based on the life of a courtesan (high dollar hooker that entertained certain rich blokes back in the day). Makes for a good love story and Battle of the Sexes. Gets a tad preachy and corny at the end during the trial. But people that dig crazy religious fanatics and witch-hunts will like this part. Loved the scene where she outwits the one pompous dude and then sword fights his ass and he resorts to punching her in the face like a fucking pussy.
SNOWBEAST (1977) – Starred Bo Svenson and Annie McEnroe (old lady with the slit in her throat from BEETLEJUICE!). Bad movie from my Drive In Classics boxset. Pretty bad and boring at times. Best part was a skier that is traveling down the hill and then trips over absolutely nothing and goes flying through the air. Watch out for Snowbeast! The costume actually looked pretty rad, but you only saw a shot here and there of it. Shame. I think they must have rented this costume, shot a few things with it for one day, then inserted those shots through out the movie.
South Park "Le Petit Tourette" Episode – Cartman pretends to have Tourette's Syndrome so he can get away with saying whatever he wants. I swear this is the funniest episode ever. I watched it twice in a row and laughed my ass off. I can't even type this right now without suppressing my laughter and tearing up in my cubicle. Apparently I have the same sense of humor as a 6-year-old boy. Curse words make me giggle!
Cartman: "Yea! Piss off your ass right onto Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face!"
Cartman: "Tittie sprinkles!"
Cartman: "My cousin and I touched weeeeeiners!"
Mrs. (Mr.) Garrison: "OK now what do we get when we add a negative number?" Cartman: "Dick Tits!"
EXTERMINATING ANGELS – Alright I saw this one a while back and forgot to talk about it. I asked a couple people if they've heard of it and they said No. The backstory is that this director made a movie that is semi-autobiographical. He was accused of seducing actresses (true) and possibly doing weird creepy shit that was out of line. So he made this movie about a director casting actresses in a serious film about sex. How does he audition them? By having them masturbate. Together. And have lesbian sex. At no point does he have any contact with the ladies. He just watches or films it. Anyway, I guarantee this is a Love It or Hate It film. I thought I would hate it, but actually liked it a lot. I thought it was sexy as hell and I dug the ending. The film starts off fun and then turns into a thriller halfway through. Jean-Claude Brisseau is labeled under the New French Extremity tag with some other recognizable Frenchies like Gaspar Noe (IRREVERSIBLE), Coralie Trinh (BAISE MOI) and Alexandre Aja (HAUTE TENSION). This film isn't as nasty as the other ones, but the sex is graphic. The scene where the chicks play with each other under a table in front of a waitress is hot.
Next up on my To See List: (aka Shit Sitting on my Coffee Table that I Keep Knocking Over and then Step on and Trip Over, So Let's Get These Out of My God Damn Way Already)
BRICK (I love Joseph Gordon-Levitt) DEAD OR ALIVE: HANZAISHA (1999) The Entire FRIDAY THE 13TH boxset & Extras CASH BACK (recommended by an ex!?!)
Review of BROKEN up at Fear Zone... Anybody else like it? Not like it?
"In just the opening credits, you get close ups of a woman's nails breaking as she claws her way out of a coffin only to get knocked out and wake up tied to a tree with a razor blade stitched in her stomach that she must use to cut through the rope that is about to hang her. Whew! That bastard Jigsaw may be dead, but his fun games are alive and well in this disgusting little gem."
Pimpage: X’s & O’s, Dead Pit, Lucha & Metal Massacre
Okay this is where I take the time to talk about some other cool people. I have some friends with shit coming out, so look for it please. And I wouldn't mention any of this if I thought their projects were crappy.
Now this was actually a good romantic comedy. I normally despise this genre, but director Kedar Korde did an awesome job. Yeah it deals with love, but it also happens to be funny. It is one of those rare ones where a guy can enjoy it just as much as a girl can. I'd place it in the same league as FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL. You can read my review as proof.
The Dead Pit Unrated 2-disc Special DVD is now at Best Buys from Code Red. My friend Ed Martinez was the SFX artist on this. Not many people realize this was shot in the Bay Area. The Agnew State Hospital is a hop, skip, and a jump away from my hometown. Ed also did the SFX for RetarDead that I mentioned in an earlier blog.
You can read my review here. I remember Ed gave me his private VHS copy a while back and I had to tear it out of his clammy hands. He was so scared I would do something stupid with his tape. For the record, I returned it in perfect condition, damn it!
You guys like metal and wrestling? My buddy Jesus Cruz put together a show happening this Sunday in Oakland for those interested. It features music by Savage Machiine. He just had an article written in the East Bay Express. Even if you are not local, you can check out the band's music and say Hello fuckers.
Random News: Molly Hartley, Rocky Horror Remake, Saw IV
Current mood: goofy
Category: goofy Movies, TV, Celebrities
Alright, so I am posting this semi-old news while I wait for some other shit to happen. I'm going to post updates on PocaHauntus, a short film I did, and some new projects soon. Tomorrow I'm pimping out a few friends' projects as well. Suck on this in the mean time.
(Above Picture is from DUNGEONMASTER, duh. And WIL is my editor for Horror Yearbook for newcomers.)
God I must be bored. But seriously, I was totally weirded out last night when I was watching NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR with a friend. The first anthology story is snippets of a previously unfinished feature film called MARILYN ALIVE AND BEHIND BARS (aka SCREAM YOUR HEAD OFF). It stars Richard Moll as some kind of mental ward security guard/ rapist. And he friggen looked just like WIL. I cannot for the life of me find a picture of him from that film. (Somebody help with that?)
Remember WIL pushing Murderpunk (Chris) around in a wheelchair at SiliCon?
