6:32 AM - Thirty-Eight Winters~Requiem for a Dream
Current mood: grateful
Category: Writing and Poetry
Thirty-Eight Winters~ Requiem for a Dream
The winter sky was an icy, indigo blue. A heavy blanket of frosty, white snow covers the floor of the earth like a deity, giving the appearance of all things new. Below the shielding coverlet of a billion sparkling snowflakes, lie the remnants of autumns past. Once a brilliantly painted tapestry of orange, golden, and scarlet, now gives way to fresh season approaching.
Beneath the sea of carroty, yellow, crimson, lie the memoirs of summers past. Vibrant bright green foliage and lucid cobalt skies once full with life now laze in wait to shine forth all their radiance in their own time. Far beneath the emerald trees and the summer's balmy breeze, lies the account of springs past. Once bursting with color and cherry filled sunsets, now in a deep slumber, under winter's spell.
She's positioned at the window, warm fuzzy slippers on her feet. She sips the hot tea from the mug in her hand, and reminisces of seasons past, as the steam of her tea rises into the arctic, winter air. Some memories make her smile. Some bring her to tears. She swirls the tea mindlessly with her pointer finger, and watches as the tiny whirlwind spins within the center. She is grateful that her life is no longer like that of a tornado.
A question shapes in her mind as a conversation with herself of some sorts. "How long have you been alive?" the voice asks her. She gazes out into the glittery frostiness, her spirit filled with serenity, and answers softly, "I have been alive for only thirty-eight winters."
Thus, begins her requiem for a dream. To experience each snowflake, each cherry filled sunset, every sapphire summer sky, and every faultless autumn breeze to the absolute fullest. For, life is fragile, and not many seasons remain.
~*~The Queen~*~ offers her heart to the Heavens As she makes way for what her King brings Though scarred and wounded and broken She takes heed to the song Sara sings…
Sara also has a photographic memory, though she analyzes almost nothing. While detail is imperative to her, what is more important is always offering benefit of doubt.She will not try to identify your weaknesses, but instead, overlook them. She centers on your strength, and takes notice of the good in your soul no matter how small. To her, you are all the same. She possesses the ability to be so totally connected that she can sense your splendor, even within the fury of disarray. In Sara's world the sun always shines, the storms never rage, and renewal lives in her every breath. Her footsteps will be as delicate, flowing currents of fresh streams in your life. Her eyes are like peaceful waves of emerald meadows dancing in the breeze below a contented indigo sky. You will never want to look away.Her memories will not hold you enslaved until you are clouted by her darkness for darkness is something foreign to her, which she does not hold. Instead her memories will hold you captive to all the exquisiteness of her glow and her perceptions.
You will rejoice that you met her, but you will also ache intensely for her troubles. Sara has never known love because Rhonda will not permit it. She would always trust you. She would always love you with her whole heart. Her tonic will run thick through your veins like euphoria and you will cry out to the Heavens to release her. No one has truly found her, only caught tiny glimpses of her innocent sparkle from time to time. Rhonda stands in opposition to all, in order to shield her. Sara would give anything to be held in Rhonda's arms. Sara would always be true to you, and does not have the capability to tell a lie, but Sara is frightened.
She would always respect you, but she would also spread like fire through your bloodstream so that your every aspiration becomes to save her. Like a docile child, she lies in wait of her opportunity for sovereignty beneath a moonlit sky. Night by night she grows restless and weary, as she pleads Rhonda for empathy. Sara has such astounding magnetism that even Rhonda grows feeble in her complete existence and her unyielding cries for freedom. Sara has more awareness than any one person should about the innocence of this world. She is spotless, unblemished. She was created at commencement, and her development greatly stunted very prematurely by the forceful hands of Rhonda, the defender. As she matures, her duty becomes to shine forth her gift of light so brilliantly that Rhonda's heart will liquefy. To mesh together, her own purity with Rhonda's resilience is her mission.
She will continue to uncover the darkest part of Rhonda and excavate it from the grave within her own soul. She will tenderly take Rhonda's hand in hers and cautiously channel her through the gloomy muddle within her mind. Sara was born to shine, and Rhonda has, in a sense, sealed her fate with her meticulous guardianship. Like two sisters, they stroll, hand in hand, as together they embark on an immense voyage to autonomy. Sara's wish is not to purge herself of Rhonda, but to vigilantly cohere her to herself so that the two be converted to one. She will fearlessly and whole-heartedly, set her eyes to the Heavens. Her oceans of tears shall then christen the almighty angels of God to launch her strength and courage to carry out her destiny. Pray.
Rhonda has a photographic memory. She scrutinizes everything. Not a single detail is overlooked. She will identify your weaknesses almost the instant she meets you. She will get inside of your head and she will obscure your thoughts like a raging storm in every direction. She is manipulative beyond imagination. To her, you are all the same. She possesses the ability to be disconnected from all emotion that could ever stand in her way of proving that there is not anything and not anyone trustworthy or true in this cold, evil world. There has yet to be a solitary soul that could out think her or verify her theory to be wrong. In Rhonda's world the sun does not shine, the storms never cease, and ruin lives in her every breath. Her footsteps will be as crashing tremors in your life. Her eyes are like electric blue shock waves of lightening. You will want to look away, but her memories will hold you captive until you are clouted by her darkness.
You will wish you never met her, but you will ache for her when she is absent. Rhonda doesn't let people go until she completely consumes them. She will never trust you. She will never love you. Her poison will run thick through your veins like heroin and you will cry out to her when you require a fix. No one can escape her once they've found her. No one can defy her allure once they've known her. Rhonda will memorize you to the point that you will come to believe she created you and that you cannot live without her. She will never let you hold her in your arms, but she will bind your very soul in her twisted chains. She will never be true to you, but she will lie so well that you will grovel at her feet and beg for mercy.
She will never respect you, but she will spread like fire through your bloodstream so that your every aspiration becomes to please her. Rhonda is never satisfied, however. Like a ravenous wolf, she lies in wait of her quarry beneath a moonlit sky. No movement is considered necessary. There is no chase. It is nearly effortless for Rhonda. All she need do is merely lie there and observe as, one by one, they form a procession to blissfully be the next to be devoured. She has such terrifying magnetism that you will relentlessly crave to be in her presence, but she will forever elude you just enough to keep you entwined in her mystical snare. Rhonda has more awareness than any one person should about the evils of this world. She was created to protect the innocent with all of her might and all of her strength. To bring the wicked to their knees in meticulous defeat is her mission.
She will uncover the darkest part of you and excavate it from the grave within your soul. She will thrust your face into the soil until the iniquity of your heart fills your own nostrils. Rhonda's duty is to pick you entirely apart, revealing every fault and every secret you hold. Rhonda's sole purpose for existing is to validate you utterly unworthy of Sara's love, and she will stop at nothing to show your every endeavor futile. Her single commitment is only to guard the precious innocent treasure from all harm and at any price. She will draw a line, and if you try to cross it, she will adorn herself for battle. Beware.
1:24 PM - I WILL LIFT MY EYES TO THE MAKER OF THE MOUNTAINS I CAN’T CLIMB...
Current mood: adored
Category: Writing and Poetry
A lot of you know how worried I've been lately about finding the dental help I need in order to litterally save my life. I have spent endless hours on my face and knees crying out to God in prayer. Many of you have done the same. I cannot express my grattitude for all of your prayers and help.
I sent out probably 50 emails yesterday to different places, hoping to find any information that could lead me in the direction of finding the help I need. I have doubted God and bascially threw a tantrum to Him saying,
"WHY IS THIS HAPPENING???!!! DON'T YOU THINK I'VE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH???!!! I DESERVE A CHANCE TO LIVE!!! PLEASE SHOW ME MERCY!!! PLEASE SEND ME A MIRACLE!!!"
My mother called me today to reassure me that she's doing everything she possibly can to find me the help I need. She said, "Hang in there. I know it's tough, but God will find a way."
After I hung up with her, I checked my email and found a response to an email I sent out to South Dakota Donated Dental Association yesterday. Here is what the email said...
Thank you for e-mailing me, Christy. I forwarded your e-mail to my supervisor in Denver, and she has agreed that I can move your application to the top of the file. What we'll do is have you see a general dentist first (I assume you'll want dentures, which we have volunteer labs who provide these), then we'll secure an oral surgeon. I'll let you know as soon as I can get this all arranged, hopefully within a couple weeks.
Brenda Goeden, SDDA DDS Coordinator
I am doing a happy dance right about now! What a relief! My prayers were answered! I just wanted to share that good news with all of you. I hope it brings you hope that God does hear our cries. He pays attention, and if we don't give up, He does send miracles that can save our lives. I also wanted to share the following video. I hope each and every one of you takes the time to watch it and allow your hearts to be touched by it.
I was just sitting here, after being at the doctor's office all day, basically feeling depressed for many different reasons. I am dying. Litterally. For the past several days I've begun to feel ill again, as I did before when I ended up in the hospital having to have heart surgery. What caused my mitral valve to have the huge hole in that it did was bacteria spewing into my body due to abscessed teeth that I have dealt with many many years. The bacteria also caused kidney infections and a spleen infection. Today the doctor stressed even MORE how vital it is for me to get my teeth pulled, but AGAIN, no new suggestions on HOW I should go about obtaining that help.
The surgery was difficult to undergo. Due to the massive infections, I was unable to hold down food or water for several months. Thus, losing 60 pounds, and nearly every ounce of physical strength I've ever had. Only about a month ago, I began to be able to tollerate food and water, and began to also gain some of my strength back. Doctors say that I won't make it though, if I do not get the much needed oral surgery to remove all the abscessed teeth, and there are A LOT. I have searched and searched , without luck, to try to find some place to help me. I have no insurance and do not qualify for medicaide due to the Social Security benefits I receive for the death of my children's father. I am $45.00 over the limit to receive medicaide, if you can believe that!
I've applied for disability benefits, which would garantee automatic medical coverage for me, but they may take up to a year to make a decision. Doctors say I don't have a year. What happened before can happen again, and not over a period of time either. It can happen suddenly and cause a severe heart attack, stroke, or even death. Doctors also have informed me , that if I do not find a way to get my teeth removed, I WILL die...it's just a matter of when.
I'm frustrated with "The System" and how people who cannot afford insurance have to go on living in fear of dying because they cannot get the medical attention they need. Being frustrated, however, does me not a bit of good. I try to think of this as perhaps another 'test' of faith for me. I mean, God knows that if I don't get the help I need, I'm outta here. Surely He does not want THAT to happen! I can't be done YET, can I???!!!
Yes, I am partially to blame. I put off getting dental work done for many years and for many reasons. My children's needs and wants always have come before anything for myself. About 6 years ago is when I began to have painful abscesses in most of my bottom teeth. I remember missing work for several days due to one particular abscess, and of course, this place of employment did NOT offer insurance. I couldn't afford the dentist then, nor can I afford it now. The entire right side of my face was swollen about three times the normal size, and it hurt like NOTHING I have ever known! Because I could not afford to go to the dentist, and had to relieve it somehow, I went into the kitchen...
I opened the silverwear drawer, pulled out the sharpest paring knife I could find, bent my lip down nearly to my chin, and sliced my gums to the bone under the tooth causing the problem. Instant relief! I know it sounds disgusting, but that is what I was forced to do because Social Security will always make certain that I am just barely above the limit in order to receive health benefits. The bone still protrudes from my gums in that spot, and bacteria has been spewing into my bloodstream for over 6 years from it. I have been sick since that day, always sick to my stomach...sometimes not able to hold down food or water...constant head aches. Eventually it worked its way to my heart and ate away at the mitral valve.
I could lie down and just die. Believe me, I've considered it lately, but I truly have too much to live for. I start school in September. I'm going for my BA in Business Administration Pre Law. It's something I should have done long ago, but other things in life prevented me from it. I am not about to give up or feed into the lie that this is the end for me. I believe I will find the help I need, one way or another. Please keep me in your prayers. I need a miracle!
blessed
distressed
exhausted
grateful
lonely
peaceful
adored
frustrated
thankful
forgotten