Masks
Current mood: tired

I did not write this words and I dont know who did. Although these words were not created by my hand from my brain they are from my heart nonetheless.

Don't be fooled by me.

Don't be fooled by the face I wear.

For I wear a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, 

	and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled, 

	for God's sake - don't be fooled.

I give the impression that I'm secure,

	that is all sunny and unruffled with me

	within as well as without,

	that confidence is my name and coolness my game:

	that the water's calm and I'm in command,

	and that I need no one.

But don't believe me. Please.

My surface may seem smoth, but my surface is my mask.

Beneath this lies no complacence.

Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, and aloneness.

But I hide this.  I don't want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thoughtof my weakness and fear of being exposed.

That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,

	a nonchalant, sophisticated facade,

	to help me pretend, to sheild me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisly my salvation.  My only salvation.

And I know it.

That is if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love.

It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself

	that I am worth something.

But I don't tell you this.  I don't dare.  I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love.

I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh at me, 

	and your laugh would kill me.

I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing, that I'm no good

	and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate game,

	with a facade of assurance without, and a trembling child within.

And so begins the parade of masks.  And my life becomes a front.

I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.

I tell you everything that is really nothing,

	And nothing of what's everything,

	Of what's crying within me;

	So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I'm saying.

Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm saying

	What I'd like to be able to say.

What for survival I need to say, but what I can't say.

I dislike hiding.  Honestly!

I dislike the superficial game I'm playing, the phony game.

I'd really like to be genuine and spontaneous, and me,

	but you've fot to help me.  You've got to hold out your hand,

	even when that's the last thing I seem to want.

Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of breathing death,

Only you can call me into aliveness.

Each time your kind, and gentle, and encouraging,

	my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings,

	but wings.

6:19 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Just a quick update
Current mood: sleepy

Hey yall I know Ive been kinda MIA lately but I have had tons and tons of crap going on along with my internet being temporarily shut off. To all my friends who know what's been going on with me thanks so much for your wonderful support. I'm at the library right now so I have to keep this short but I will be at the Village Spirit on Cedar Lake Road in Round Lake tonight along with some friends around 10pm ish. All are welcome but I think there is a $5 cover charge. Anybody who wants to catch up with me you can catch me there.

We are getting a new puppy in about a week and I am soooooooo excited. He is a Jack Russel and Dauchaund mix. I wish I had pics but I dont at this point. Anybody got any suggestions for names. We cant seem to come up with a good one. He is a male and he is black with some orange and white markings on him. Help me out! LOL Talk at yall later

11:43 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

My first born (and only)
Current mood: content

1. WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED?
Yes

2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME?
Yes

3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS?
I freaked out and screamed and scared my cats!

18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY?
I had extreme morning sickness and blacking out spells

19. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Lake Forest Hospital, Lake Forest, IL

20. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR?
total about 10

21. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL?
My husband

22. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH?
My husband and my mom

23. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION?
natural

24. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN?
I tried really hard not too but by the end I was begging for it cuz I was starting to panick big time.

27. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH??
6lbs 10 oz.

28. DID YOUR CHILD HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS???
besides being small...no

29. WHAT DAY WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN ON?
March 20th

30. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER?
Lukas

31. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN TODAY?
1 year, 11 months and 2 weeks.

7:26 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I just can't believe it!
Current mood: contemplative

     In only a few days my baby boy is going to be 2 years old! It seems like just yesterday that he was a wiggly little peanut and now he's a big boy. I've decided to take a trip down memory lane with a photo-blog of just how much Lukas has grown.

Here he is just a few minutes old. SOOO CUTE right?

In this one he's only a few hours old and being held by his far-away gramma from TN. Look at that face!

This is my little boo the day we brought him home. The socks are on his hands because he wouldn't stop scratching himself and the mittens just kept falling off his tiny hands.

This is one of my favorite new born ones, even though I look like el crapola Lukas looks so cute and tiny!

Ok fast forward now to just 1 measly year later. Here are some great pictures from Lukas' 1 year birthday party.

And last but not least, Lukas' 2 year pictures. My gosh just look at how much he has changed. It blows my mind.

So now as Lukas' 2nd year party is coming up I can't help but think about the tiny little peanut that he was not that long ago and be a little wistful, but I have a very handsome little man now, so I'm more lucky than I could ever express. Just a little side note. -Lukas' party is the 17th- anyone who I forgot to invite and wants to come, just let me know...the more the merrier!

8:42 AM - 6 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

I believe
Category: Life

I copied this from my friend Mistress Heatherlynn and it really speaks to me so I just had to post it because I definetly believe all of these things.

I believe - . . that just because two people
argue, it doesn't mean they
don't love each other. And just because
they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I believe - . . . that we don't have to change
friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe - . . . that no matter how good a friend
is, they're going to hurt you every once in a
while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe - . . . that true friendship continues
to grow, even over the longest distance. Same
goes for true love.

I believe - . . . that you can do something in
an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe - . . . that it's taking me a long time to
become the person I want to be.

I believe - . . . that you should always leave
loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

I believe - . . . that you can keep going long
after you think you can't.

I believe - . . . that we are responsible for
what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe - . . . that either you control your
attitude or it controls you.

I believe - . . . That heroes are the people who
do what has to be done when it needs to be
done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe - . . . that money is a lousy way of
keeping score.

I believe - . . . that my best friend and I can
do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe - . . that sometimes the people you
expect to kick you when you're down, will be
the ones to help you get back up.

I believe - . . . that sometimes when I'm angry I
have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give
me the right to be cruel.

I believe - . . . that maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had and what
you've learned from them and less to do with
how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe - . . . that it isn't always enough to be
forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn
to forgive yourself.

I believe - . . . that no matter how bad your heart
is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe - . . . that our background and
circumstances may have influenced who we
are, but we are responsible for who we
become.

I believe - . . . that you shouldn't be so
eager to find out a secret. It could change
your life forever.

I believe - . . . two people can look at the
exact same thing and see something totally
different.

I believe - . . . that your life can be changed
in a matter of hours by people who don't
even know you.

I believe - . . . that even when you think you
have no more to give, when a friend cries out
to you - you will find the strength to help.

I believe - . . . that credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.

I believe - . . . that the people you care
about most in life are taken from you too
soon.

7:26 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Lukas 1st time meeting Jack Frost(picture blog)
Current mood: happy

I finally stuffed Lukas into his big fat blue marshmellow snowsuit and took him outside to play in the snow. The pics came out kinda backlit but still sooo cute, right?

This last one is him playing with Ginger our dog. She had a blast too!

6:48 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

How to ruin a perfectly nice Sunday
Current mood: relaxed
Category: Life

Step 1. Actually starts on Thursday with a rousing visit to the playplace at McDonald's that was actually alot of fun.

Step 2. Incubate for about 36 hours.

Step 3. Wake up Friday in the middle of the night with a very sick son.

Step 4. Son's illness has progressively gotten worse by Sunday afternoon. In fact progression has occured to the effect of son not breathing well after waking from nap.

Step 5. Take son to the acute care center and proceed to spend 4 hours there only to find out that he has croup and that the virus just has to run it's course.

If steps are followed with close attention to the details your Sunday afternoon is assured to be ruined also.

P.S. I like to send a special thank you to the assholes who drove past my house on Friday night waking up my sick baby at 11pm. You know who you are...and so do I.

6:06 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Lukas' Santa Pic...finally
Current mood: tired

I know this is way way late but being as we didn't even go until the 23rd because I am what friends? That's right a procrastinator!

This is one is the same picture but I played around with photoshop. It's called embossed. Isn't it AWSOME!!

12:48 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Let's play a game
Current mood: sleepy
Category: Blogging

I saw this game on The Queen B is a Dreamgirl's blog and I thought it looked like fun!

This is the ONE WORD comment game. Since you opened this blog, please do the following things:

1) Go to the profile of the person who posted this blog.

2) Leave a ONE WORD comment on their page (one that best describes them, doesn't have to be nice).

3) Repost this as a blog and/or bulletin and see how many one word comments you get on your own page.

6:40 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

We're off to see the triage nurse...
Current mood: blah
Category: Life

Yes, we're off to see the triage nurse, the bitchy triage nurse of Condell Hospital.

It's offical. I have made my first trip to the emergency room with Lukas. Words alone cannot begin to tell you how shitty this whole thing was.

It was about 4:30 in the afternoon and Chad, Lukas and I were getting ready to go to my friend Heather's house because her fiancee Chad had gotten an XBox 360 and was all excited for my Chad to come over and play it. My Chad had taken Luke outside to the car while I went pee before leaving. Two things happened next. My phone starting ringing and at that same instant I hear my son start to scream at the top of his lungs. "Oh crap what happened?" I think to myself as I answer my phone and go to the back door to see for myself what has happened. As soon as I saw my poor boy I hung up the phone with only a quick I gotta go NOW. He has the biggest, ugliest, bruise on his forehead complete with gravel marks. He fell head first on the black top driveway. OUCH!

After looking him over, making sure his pupils are reacting to light, and forcing him to submit to iceing it we decide that he is probably ok and make the 40 minute trip to my friends house. Everything is fine for a few hours and then suddenly Lukas begins to vomit. Violently. The first time I wasn't so worried because honestly, kids puke. It happens, ya clean it up and move on. But then he did it again less than an hour later, and then again with a few minutes.

Totally freaking out at this point we take him to the emergency room just to wait for an hour before being able to go to a smaller waiting room and wait and wait and wait some more. Mind you this whole time Lukas is alternating between quasi sleep and waking up to puke. The night winds on later and later and finally about 1030 or so they decide that he needs a CAT scan and that he will have to be sedated to keep him still. To be sedated he had to have an IV in his hand. I can honestly say that having to hold him down while they put it in was heartbreaking. Especially when he kept crying for me and saying "owie owie" It plain and simple sucked ass. We finally got the scan and 5 hours after we first got there they determine that he does not have a bleed on the brain or a skull fracture and send us home.

On the way home I notice that I myself feel very sick to my stomache but I chalked it up to stress and nerves and go to bed. In the morning I was still not feeling good but I pulled myself together because I had to go take a test. I grabbed some Mickey D's on the way home for Chad and I and as soon as I take 1 bite of my chicken sandwhich I was running for the bathroom.

The next 24hours are pretty much a blur since I slept about 15 hours of them. I had the worst stomache flu ever and threw up prlly about 10-12 times. In the end I feel really bad because now it seems like Lukas just had a stomache flu and it was a coincidence that he hit his head on the same day, but hey you really can't take the chance with something like that.

Now more than a week later we are both doing fine but Lukas did seem to have some bad dreams for a few nights after. This is only the beginning everyone tells me....YAY! lucky lucky me

8:12 AM - 5 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment