The wrench is coming back
Category: Life

I am coming back and with 'a vengence' or as folks around here like to say 'with avenginse.'

I miss all of you dearly and have many adventures to tell. I've decided to bite the provebial bullet and go into debt to buy a computer. Look for my regular blog to be back next week. In the meantime I will be posting a blog about my new Job as a shoe store manager. Its entitled "In the Brown" and if it sounds nasty... well it is.

Until the clock strikes eleventy

Wrench

1:35 PM - 19 Comments - 32 Kudos - Add Comment

Hiding in plain sight
Current mood: depressed
Category: Life

First I apologize to all my friends for not making a better attempt to at least get on here and say hi. I really miss my friends.

Many of you know that I am and have been having some financial/work difficulty and it has been extremely taxing. This coupled with some emotional distress has put my in a deep dark funk. Now I don't want to start sounding like a 14 yo girl, but the fact of the matter is I have been really depressed and this as much as my lack of computer access has kept me off of MySpace.  

I am hopefully going to be in a situation that allows me access to a computer in the near future. Currently my internet acces is next to nil.

No computer . Its embarassing really. Here I am a time traveller with an intergalactic space craft and I don't have a PC at home.

I could write my blogs from inside the S. S. SOD but I can't bring myself to turn my beloved ship into a glorified word processor. Sadly this lack of computer has also caused my novel to come to a screeching halt. So if anyone out there has a solution I would love to hear it. My response time might be a little slow since I am forced to use other people's machines, (or gasp the library!) to get on here but I will respond to everyone. I would love to tell you of all the adventures I've been up to, (and I will) but I have limited time on here. As a matter of fact the librarian is eyeing me as we speak. God she looks like she used to play linebacker for the Bears!

Anyway love you all I will spend the remainder of my time trying to read some mail. I really do appreciate the support.

Your friend

Wrench

9:51 AM - 27 Comments - 36 Kudos - Add Comment

Crop circles are fun but I've outgrown them
Current mood: cranky
Category: Life

One of the best things about living in Southwest Missouri is getting stereotyped as a hillbilly. As soon as someone asks

where are you from?

and I invariably answer

the Ozarks

the hick jokes start flying.

Some of my favorites surround the abundance of things us hillbillies do with our spare time. These things have been immortalized in television and movies. You know; like tipping cows, shooting cans and lets not forget my favorite, copulating with the barnyard animals.

Well needless to say most of these things are just fiction or at least overblown yet some of those hillbilly pastimes I have participated in.

My favorite was making crop circles.

You see a lot of educated city folks believe that these circles are created by extra-terrestrials.

Ha! you cant get anymore terrestrial than a hillbilly!

Not to mention I have encountered dozens of aliens from various races and not one has ever said to me

Hey wrench do you want to go make a big pattern in that cornfield?

Or

You know what that field of soy needs? A big geometric design! Let me get my ship.

For years I had been traveling around the globe in the SS SOD doing doughnuts in this field or that. I admit I got a little carried away when I started doing it with the lights on giving everyone in Green County a nice UFO sighting.

I had been quite active, doing 2-3 crop circles plus a couple of UFO sightings a week and was having the time of my life when late one night I got a knock on the door. I answered and was greeted by a Tainteon and a Quixvarnion both dressed in blue suits, which was odd because and Quixvarnions usually didnt wear clothes. I quickly realized these two were members of the intergalactic police.  

Damn! What did I do this time?

Maybe they were here about the case of Igloosian moonshine I had in the back? Or did they spot me dumping trash into that blackhole?

Before I could figure it out the little gray Tainteon swaggered up to the door. He was wearing a helmet and those big reflective glasses, I momentarily flashed back to an episode of CHIPS. His name tag said Russell.

Russell: Good evening sir, we were looking for the owner of that class 2 exploration freighter parked outside, registered SS SOD to one Mr. MonkeyWrench.

Me: That would be me, is there a problem officers?

The Quixvarnion then came forward, half levitating half using his tentacles. Its nametag read Krelllthraknithlazlidrann, (pronounced just like its spelled)

Krelllthraknithlazlidrann: Sir did you realize that the vehicle in question has been spotted on this planet performing illegal maneuvers.

Me: Illegal maneuvers?

Russell: Yes sir. We have confirmed reports of several 227s

Krelllthraknithlazlidrann: No to mention the 199s.

Me: Im sorry officers Im not familiar with the codes, a 227 you say?

Russell: sir in laymans terms that would be a  F.U.C.K.

Me: Wuhuhh?

Russell:  Frightening Uncivilized Creatures Knowingly, I believe they call it a UFO sighting here.

Krelllthraknithlazlidrann: And the 199 sir is better known as a HEAD Horticulturally Evasive Agricultural Depressions

Me: I see so someone down here has been being a real FUCKHEAD?

Russell: Thats about the long and short of it. Its usually just a couple of bored kids that borrowed their parents cruiser, hopped up on Quixvarnion beer.

 You of all people should know that humans arent ready for extra-terrestrial contact well most of you anyway.

For one of the first times in my life I got off with a warning, and decided to end my crop circle career. So next time you see lights in the sky, or your wheat is compressed into a huge pyramid dont blame me.

8:29 PM - 44 Comments - 53 Kudos - Add Comment

Why I fell off the face if the earth...er MySpace
Current mood: confused
Category: Life

So Im gone for a week or so and all hell breaks loose...I love it, well most of it.

Steve Novak gone? That is a pity, but I can understand how writing a daily blog can inhibit, well living.

I have been banned from internet access at work and with Neely's birthday and my boys being down for an extended vacation I have been unable to check my Email let alone respond to messages or write a blog.

Sorry to everyone for not saying anything and just bugging out but when you are friends with a multi-dimensional, space faring psychic you just have to expect a little chaos. Think about how H.G. Wells buddies felt after he left to go to the future and never came back.

Anyway I will be stealing Neely's computer for personal use for the next few...weeks? Well until I can get a computer of my own. I am looking for another job right now which is also very time consuming (any ideas let me know), but don't worry I will squeeze in my blogs even if I have to time travel to do it.

Love to all my peeps

Matthew

PS. back to myself tomorrow

9:50 PM - 45 Comments - 59 Kudos - Add Comment

Neely, a monkeywrench love story
Current mood: loved
Category: Life

Most of you know my girlfriendNeely. Neely appears, at least off camera, in a lot of my adventures and I thought everyone would like to hear the tale of how a nice girl like her ever got involved with a someone like me.

It all started about 198 million years ago, the Bathion period of the middle Jurassic...

Wait! I better explain how we ended up in the past first by giving a little not that ancient history.

You see I went to high school with Neely and we actually dated for about 2 weeks. Neely (16) was one of the Goth kids, back when it wasn't goth but some hybrid of skater culture and the near dead remnants of punk. Black fingernails pink hair and cute as a button. I (18) had a tremendous mullet and wore a trench coat even in July. I was a philosophical party animal with dreams of social upheaval and getting tickets to Lalapalooza.

We were together about 2 weeks.

It was long enough to figure out that I wasn't the cool skater punk she was looking for and she wasn't putting out. We parted ways friends, but had very little contact until 16 years went by, and there she was at a mutual friends wedding reception. Neely and I both went through terrible marriage/divorces and were both at the party on the rebound from another set of bad relationships. Individually we had decided that we would not date! Although maybe a little fling with someone from the distant past could be a fun distraction. This was a fairly big event and all of my friends and family were there. With this many of my people at a wedding reception...in a bar... the libations were flowing like the Colorado river. Needless to say after eleventy or so shots of various hard liquors I was ready to approach Neely with some smooth game

Me: Heeeeeey baby (hicup) Itshh has been waaaaay too long!

Hmm that sounded a lot smoother in my head. Maybe I should have passed on that last round of Irish car bombs... To late to back out now!

Neely: Ummm humm. Been to long. So what have you been up to?

Ok recovery time, get yourself together Matt!

Me: You knowsssh, Jusss kickinn it

Oh shit. Just kickin it? Does anyone even say that anymore? For the love of God I sound like a Otis from Mayberry trying to sound hip!

Neely: I see. Well it was nice seeing you

Damn, damn you are loosing her! Last chance, come on something witty, or at least mildly interesting.

I leaned over and whispered in her ear....

Me: I can time Travel you know

Mmm she really smelled good.

Neely: really? Why don't you take me for a ride in your time machine.

She whispered back and was smiling, flirting with those big brown eyes.

Cool this was starting to work, either that or I was intoxicating her with my breath.

Me: Ok, but we have to go outside

She gave me a very coy look

Neely: Mr Smith are you trying to take advantage of me? I don't make out in public you know.

Me: No, no this is for the time travel.

Neely: Oh right... the time traveling

I grabbed her hand and led her out of the bar.

Neely: So are you going to take me back to high school when we made out in my parents hot tub? (she was really giggling now)

Me: No but thats a good idea. I was thinking way back like 198 million years ago. You like dinosaurs right?

I was holding one of her hands and fiddling with my watch with the other. Drunken time hopping is not that easy.

Neely: Sure you big nerd I like dinosaurs

She was waiting for me to kiss her... and then she screamed

One of the reasons you should not time travel drunk is you might land near a feasting Ceratosaurus. He was a mean looking bastard too 20 feet tall with a huge red crest rising off his fanged head. He was eating the remains of some big quadruped. I quickly explained to the Ceratosaur that we were sorry we just got lost on our way to a dinner party.

He might not have bought the story, but we were dressed for it and Neely still had a glass of wine. We backed away slowly and then were able to take a nice stroll through the rain forest that existed where the bar just was. I quickly checked the area for other flesh eating dinosaurs (which can really put a damper on a romantic stroll) and picked Neely a 3' primordial lily. Maybe it was the prehistoric moon, the mating calls of the raptors or the gentle volcanic breezes but something in the air that night was right and we fell in love.

Since that time we have had many adventures together but most are ones I like to keep private. Our 4 month anniversary was yesterday so I thought I would share this story with everyone.

Now go give Neely some love!

About the Monkeywrench

I am a time traveling, multi dimensional, psychic with the ability to speak to anything organic. My best conversations are often with food items. Sandwiches may be my favorite, but I do have a sweet tooth and relish a verbose confection. I have a lot of friends all across the universe. Not to mention in, under and beside the universe. I have an evil clone, an alien race and a pair of cracked out possums that are trying to kill me, but other than that life is good. To understand me, is to look deep in the ass of the universe and figure out the square root of eleventy. Read the blog and all will be revealed

Currently listening : Siamese Dream By Smashing Pumpkins Release date: 27 July, 1993

10:26 AM - 55 Comments - 58 Kudos - Add Comment

open the Galactic Mailbag JULY edition
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Life

I try to open the Galactic Mailbag at least once a month and I guess its that time again.

For new readers this is a time that you can ask me anything regarding my blog. I will answer any question posed so throw it in the comments and I will get to it. I would prefer questions relating to Time hopping, dimensional sliding, space travel, or one of the myriad of alien races or other characters in my blog but if you want to ask something personal about me go for it.

If there is something I'm not, its shy.

I want to thank all of my readers out there especially the ones that comment. It really makes me feel loved and valued. I want to extend a special thanks to a few (of the many) people that have really helped get my name out there and brought more people over to the Monkeywrench nation.

Erik 'beaker'

Erik is my #1 fan and always leaves a good comment, he will be seen soon aboard the SS SOD. He is probably as close as you can get to a Monkeywrenchologist

Greg

Greg is a horrible speller and a great blogger. One of my favorite friends on Myspace period. Greg and I share a belief that a lot of really good bloggers get overlooked on here and we are out to remedy that.

Je Maverick

I am a resent reader of Je' Mavericks stuff but he is a top notch writer and we are becoming fast friends. He also pimped the hell out of my blog this weekend ; )

(OK taking off the big purple hat, and putting down my crystal cane now)

As my readership slowly grows, I keep getting more and more questions regarding what it takes for me to bring someone on an adventure with me. My celebrity blogs have become my most popular feature and honestly its been fun for me to throw the Monkeywrench into my friends lives and take them places usually beyond their grasp. The following is an Email I received that typifies most of the general questions I receive about Celebrity Blogs and answering it may clear up the questions regarding guest appearances.

Dear Matthew

I was wondering how you select your Celebrity Bloggers? At first I thought you only picked Top bloggers but clearly that is not the case. Some of your guests aren't top bloggers and some don't even blog very much. How can I get selected to go on an adventure with you?

P.S. Are you planning on bringing back any old characters? I want to see the gansta bat again.

Alright 1^st things first I don't only select Top Bloggers, in fact the whole Celebrity thing was really just a novelty. I do try to choose people that blog fairly regularly, but mainly I choose people I just really enjoy. All of my Celebrity bloggers are people that comment regularly and I have chatted or Emailed them outside of blogs. I'm not about to pick up anyone in the SS SOD that is a complete stranger. To be honest it takes me a while to warm up to someone enough that I want to take them on an adventure. That being said I have around 8 people on the list right now and most of them know who they are. As far as reoccurring characters and or settings, YES I will be revisiting a lot of my old friends and places in the weeks to come, If you have requests for a certain character let me know. Due to previous requests look for reappearances of

Characters

Barry the Douche, Stewart (my evil clone), The psionic monkeys, The Gansta Bat and his lovely bovine wife, The Karma Fairies, Chompy the banjo playing T-rex

Places

The Dimension of Steadfast Orgasms, Limbo, The sea of Tranquility, Planet SIC

Some of the Alien Races-- The Tainteons, The Quixvarnions, The Thurninites, The Knowitallulans, The Plantertarians, The Vulgarians, Igloosians,

and much, much, more

Of course its an awful big universe so many new places and people (creatures) will come to light as well.

Alright the mailbag is open comment away!

About the Monkeywrench

I am a time traveling, multi dimensional, psychic with the ability to speak to anything organic. My best conversations are often with food items. Sandwiches may be my favorite, but I do have a sweet tooth and relish a verbose confection. I have a lot of friends all across the universe. Not to mention in, under and beside the universe. I have an evil clone, an alien race and a pair of cracked out possums that are trying to kill me, but other than that life is good. To understand me, is to look deep in the ass of the universe and figure out the square root of eleventy. Read the blog and all will be revealed

3:49 PM - 45 Comments - 30 Kudos - Add Comment

The T-69 returns
Current mood: refreshed
Category: Life

I want to apologize for being absent the past few days, but I have a great excuse. My penis got cut off...

again

It was a day I had been dreading for sometime; my cyborg had returned home. Many of you will recall I built a cyborg penis to combat Internet predators in my blog ( My Cyborg looks like Tom Selleck) if you haven't read it go ahead, I'll wait until you get back to continue...

Ok, so as we all know now' I created the T-69 to combat cyber pervs. Unfortunately like most intelligent scientific creations he wants to harm his creator.

I woke up and was shivering. My bed was cold and slimy and I felt like I had been ruffied and operated on in my sleep; which was coincidentally exactly what had happened. My room was a mess and the bed was soaked with blood and strewn with surgical equipment. I felt a dull pulsing pain from my loins and looked down to see a GI Joe sized, Tom Selleck-looking android stitched in where my penis ought to be.

I then promptly passed out again.

I was awoken by the sound of a tiny Austrian voice. It was like the governor of California was talking to me from my crotch.

T-69: Time to get up Hooman. We need to exercise your puny hooman body.

Me: Arrrgghhh, How did you.... what the.... Where is my cock?

T-69: I have it Cryogenically frozen. Now cooperate, if you ever want to see your dis-membered member again!

Ha ha I am making jokes now about your pathetic hooman body parts.

Me: Yeah its freaking hilarious. Aren't you supposed to be out catching Internet predators?

T-69: No, that was my prime directive, but I have been given a new set of programs.

Me: What? By who?

T-69: Stewart has programed me.

Me: Oh shit

T-69: I believe he is your clone, is this not correct hooman? You should be happy that someone of your own genetic material has programmed me to make you a better person. You should feel honored now get up!

Stewart is my evil clone and the thought of him being in control of the T-69's program was truly horrifying. The little bastard had apparently hardwired itself into my central nervous system and was now jerkily controlling my body. I lurched to my feet involuntarily and did some very awkard jumping jacks. I was still trying to fight the control he had over my body but he was winning. The end result, was that I was still doing the exercises but it looked like I was have a seizure at the same time. The T-69 then explained as I did a myriad of calisthenics that Stewart's program involved me getting into shape, which sounded oddly benign.

Me: After I'm in shape what then ( I said this amid gasps for air as I was doing push-ups)

T-69: After we 'pump up' your flabby, gurly man body up, we will be getting you a high paying job and a new house, in which to live.

Me: Whahuh?

Ok now I was really confused. Stewart would never want me to have a good job. What the hell was all of this?

Me: Why does Stewart want me to have all of these things?

T-69: I would think it would be obvious even with your inferior hooman brain. Obviously your clone wants to better your body and life for when he uses his minnd transfer device on you. Apparently his clone body is aging faster than he would like. Enough questions gurly man! It is time for my workout now, get wet towels from the bathroom!

I did so

T-69: Now place the wet towels on me so I may lift them. (I put 2 wet towels on him, it was good no one came in at that moment. There I was naked, putting wet towels on my erect penis that could apparently talk)

Thats right another! ( I dropped another on him and slowly the mound of wet towels went up)

Another!

This went on for several minutes, I must say I was impressed that he was able to press 8 wet towels, (thats 3 more than I can do with my normal penis).

Next he made me lie on my stomach while he attempted a cock push up. He only did one... but hey, thats all you need. During this part of the regiment I was busy trying to think of a way out of this. Then suddenly it hit me.

Me: T-69! What is your prime directive?

T-69: capture the Monkeywrench, train his flabby body and deliver him to the Stewart hooman.

Me: Uh huh, So what will happen, once I am delivered?

T-69: The Stewart Hooman will transfer his mind into your body, transferring your mind into a monkey or other easily controlled organism.

Me: And what of you.

T-69: .... The Stewart hooman has not said what will happen after that, but he did say I would be free of my programing.

Me: Well let me fill you in. He is my evil clone after all. After taking over my body he will remove you and reattach that penis you have in cold storage. Then he will more than likely destroy you, thus you would be free of your programing.

T-69: Arrrrr treacherous hoomans! (At this he shot some lasers out of his eyes melting a candle I had beside the bed)

Me: I'll tell you what, let me have control of my hands and I will free you of this programing right now. I did create you after all.

T-69: Ok hooman I will do it but first you must do something for me.

Me: Sure, what?

T-69: Turn on the Discovery channel and grab a pair of vise grips. It is an all robot weekend on Discovery and Daddy needs some adjustment.

Me: Oh dear

Listening to that tiny Schwarzenegger moan and groan through an hour of watching the robotic arm on the space shuttle, while squeezing him with vise grips, was nearly more than I could take. Finally I had control of my hands again and I went to work on the T-69. With the help of my medical droid on the SS SOD I was also able to reattach the old penis. Man, anymore of this and its going to start looking like Frankensteins monster down there.

The T-69 now freshly re-programmed, was nice and polite although he was eager to get on with his new mission, to establish a new secret base.

I may have given him an idea on where to build the secret base.

The inside of Stewart's ass is completely free after all.

About the Monkeywrench

I am a time traveling, multi dimensional, psychic with the ability to speak to anything organic. My best conversations are often with food items. Sandwiches may be my favorite, but I do have a sweet tooth and relish a verbose confection. I have a lot of friends all across the universe. Not to mention in, under and beside the universe. I have an evil clone, an alien race and a pair of cracked out possums that are trying to kill me, but other than that life is good. To understand me, is to look deep in the ass of the universe and figure out the square root of eleventy. Read the blog and all will be revealed

11:06 AM - 48 Comments - 43 Kudos - Add Comment

Fingerhead loads the aft cannon
Current mood: amused
Category: Life

Well its Saturday again and I really enjoyed sharing some of my son's stories about Fingerhead last week so today I will be sharing another Fingerhead adventure. For those of you that don't know Fingerhead is my 5 year old's invisibe friend. He has had Fingerhead for several years and this was a story from when he was 4, and Fingerhead was causing all sorts of mischief. Max is my oldest son (7 yo) and although he does not have an invisible friend enjoys Jackson's Fingerhead immensely.

Last summer the boys, my mother and I were swimming in a friend's pool. Jackson had been complaining about his tummy rumbling all day, but this didn't stop him from jumping off the diving board like a maniac eleventy times. After one particularly heinous bellyflop Jackson staggered out of the pool held his little tummy and announced in typical 4 year old fashion

I got to fart!

He was grimacing and contorting his face and I was afraid that more than gas was going to be passed.

Little did I know how right I was.

An impressive trumpeting sound escaped his soggy swimming trunks and then much to my surprise a solid clunk was audible as a small perfectly round object rolled out of Jack's trunks and plopped onto the concrete.

What the hell? I thought- That sounded like a piece of lead hitting the ground. What the hell has that kid been eating? Jack and his brother were squatting down examining the anally dislodged curiosity and my mother and I went over to look at it as well. Max was laughing so hard at his brothers accident that he was only making that high pitched keening sound that kids are wont to do when they are in comic heaven. I splashed some water on the offending object and saw that it was metallic. My mother and I were both laughing, neither one of us knew what the hell it was. Some sort of metal marble or ball bearing. Finally Max was able to control his laughter long enough to tell us it was part of a toy set of his something called Magnetix. Its something like a lego set that uses magnetic pieces. Jackson agreed that it was indeed a piece to the Magnetix set. Of course my question was.

Why did you eat this Jackson! You know better than this!

I was doing my best to have a firm Daddy voice, but I was still giggling. Thats when we got the explanation of why he had swallowed a marble sized ball bearing.

Jackson: I was just holding it in my mouth!

Me: Right, and then you swallowed it.

Jackson: No

Me: What do you mean no. you obviously swallowed it. It just came out of your butt.

This caused uproarious laughter from Max and my mother

Jackson: It was Fingerhead!

Me: What? Fingerhead? It didn't come out of Fingerhead's butt.

Jackson: Of course not he is too tiny

At this point the peanut gallery, (Mom and Max) chimed in.

Max: He couldn't even fit that in his little mouth

Mom: Yea, passing something like that would surely kill Fingerhead.

More giggles and hysterics

Me: So Jackson what do you mean?

Jackson: Well, I was holding the Magnetix in my mouth and Fingerhead pushed it down my throat.

Me: Wow, so you couldn't help but swallow it. That was kind of mean of Fingerhead.

Jackson: Yeah so I ate him too!

Me: Well lets make sure you poop him out in the toilet instead of beside the pool.

Jackson: Oh I can't poop him out he escaped. He had a spaceship in my belly and he tickled me and when I laughed he flew out.

Me: Wow that fingerhead is pretty smart

Jackson: Yeah hes smart.

Me: Why did he make you swallow the Magnetix to begin with

Jackson: He thought it would be funny... When I pooped it out.

Me: well he got that right. Lets not put anything like this in our mouth again so Fingerhead won't have the opportunity to be naughty ok?

Jackson: Ok Daddy, and I'm gonna spank him when I catch him!

Not so amazingly Jackson's stomach problems went away after he fired that mini-cannonball and we didn't hear from Fingerhead for the rest of the day.

About the Monkeywrench

I am a time traveling, multi dimensional, psychic with the ability to speak to anything organic. My best conversations are often with food items. Sandwiches may be my favorite, but I do have a sweet tooth and relish a verbose confection. I have a lot of friends all across the universe. Not to mention in, under and beside the universe. I have an evil clone, an alien race and a pair of cracked out possums that are trying to kill me, but other than that life is good. To understand me, is to look deep in the ass of the universe and figure out the square root of eleventy. Read the blog and all will be revealed

9:52 AM - 93 Comments - 111 Kudos - Add Comment

Celeb Blog- Sunny conquers Fuzzulon
Current mood: happy
Category: Life

I had been promising Sunny an adventure for quite a while, little did I know I was going to be forced into it.

It all started when I posted my future celebrity bloggers a few weeks ago. Little did I know that I was becoming quite popular on Fuzzulon the home world of the enigmatic race of creatures known simply as 'the Brood'. Sounds creepy? Well it is. You see 'the Brood' Are well known throughout the galaxy as conquerors, subjugating entire star systems. The brood look harmless enough, in fact this is part of what makes them so sinister. The Brood are shape shifters that are able to look into other creatures minds and become something innocuous. They might appear as a puppy or kitten to you and I or a Floobian tree mouse to other races. The possibilities are endless. They conquer planets by landing secretively on them and going home with children. Then they breed and breed, spending their days eating hand outs, being petted and watching daytime television. They don't reveal their true natures until they have superior numbers, then they attack and eat everything on the planet... Needless to say they are feared, luckily they have been contained to a few core world (Fuzzulon being the largest). The rest of the civilized races try to keep 'the Brood' from leaving those worlds by bombarding the planet with television broadcasts, fast food containers and shiny toys to keep them satiated and unwilling to go conquering again. In the past few years Earthling Internet feeds have been pumped to 'the Brood' as another distraction.

This is where I come in.

Apparently the Brood has enjoyed my adventures and billions read my blog every day (Luckily this is done serendipitously, they don't use our servers, and they can't comment). When I posted my link and reference to Sunny's blog they checked it out and they fell in love.

All 126 billion of them.

I found all of this out as I was rudely woken in the night. I felt something soft and fuzzy in the dark...

must be the cat- I thought wait a minute I don't have a cat

I sprang to my feet and flipped on the lights. There were dozens of stuffed animals standing there looking at me. Bears, rabbits, unicorns and more, Only these were moving and carrying something....

pop! Oh a tranquilizerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr daaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrttttttttttt...........

I awoke aboard 'the brood' mother ship strapped to what looked and felt like a huge bean bag. The circular room was made up like a nursery, with lots of bright primary colors and toys left on the floor. The Broodlings started to communicate with me. Broodlings use telepathy and when they communicate they speak all in unison yet in a tiny sweet voice. Its like a chorus of teddy bears speaking in your mind... and it is terrifying.

Brood: Bring us to the Sunny!

Me: I don't know how to find her (I lied)

Suddenly I was enveloped in a pink ray, and I was being tickled ruthlessly. The ray made you ticklish everywhere, even if you normally weren't. As this was going on music came on in mega decibels.

The wheels on the bus go round and round!

I would love to tell you my dear readers that I was strong that I didn't break, but that would be a lie. I did my best to protect Sunny but they were experts in their torture and soon I was a quivering, weeping mess. A few hours later Sunny and I were on our way back to Fuzzulon in gaily painted romper room. Sunny had been tranquilized and was just waking up.

Sunny: Where am I... Matthew is that you?

Me: Yeah Sunny its me, listen I'm so sorry about this, I tried my best but they broke me.

Sunny: What are you talking about silly! Is this the SS SOD? Its not quite what I imagined.

Me: No this isn't the SOD we are aboard a hostile alien craft headed to a hostile alien home world probably to be enslaved. Well you will be enslaved I'm sure they will eat me.

I quickly told Sunny what was going on in detail and all about the Brood and its interest in her. She just sat and smiled through the whole thing giggling occasionally. I couldn't figure out how she could be so relaxed about the situation. Maybe she thought she was just having a weird dream. I certainly didn't want her attitude to change, it was making me feel better and plus she might as well be delusional... we were fucked after all.

Without warning the walls of the romper room dissolved and we were on a platform under a blue sky. Apparently we were at the top of an incredible ziggurat (maybe this is where the Sumerians got it from) thousands of feet tall . Surrounding the ziggurat were broodlings in every direction the sheer amount of them was mind boggling. I was led away by two particularly burly pandas while several other stuffed animals were busy putting an elaborate tiara and cape on Sunny. They were worshiping her as a Goddess! Meanwhile I was being led over to a large pot. Apparently I was to be made into a sacrificial stew. The pandas stopped before I got to the pot and I turned around; Sunny was beaming, I don't know if I ever saw a smile that big.

I was then almost bowled over by the sound of millions of tiny voices in unison chanting

Squishie! Squishie Squishie!

I found out later form Sunny that all of the Brood share one mind. Its almost like each one is a brain cell or cluster of brain cells and together they form this amazing creature.

She discovered this when she was on the ziggurat. She had a long deep conversation with all of the brood, who are now officially called the Squishies Not only have they decided not to rampage other planets, but they are going to now start sharing some of their amazing technology with the rest of the galaxy.

Sunny's deity status allowed us to stay on the planet in luxury and I had one of the best vacations I can remember; Those teddy's make a killer rum punch. When Sunny was ready to go home I thought we would be in trouble again, but Sunny had worked out a regular podcast deal to see and guide her new followers, plus a promise to return annually for the great Squishie festival, and my associating with Sunny has gotten me celebrity status on the planet as well.

I guess that goes further proving the point

Its not what you know, its who you know.

About the Monkeywrench

I am a time traveling, multi dimensional, psychic with the ability to speak to anything organic. My best conversations are often with food items. Sandwiches may be my favorite, but I do have a sweet tooth and relish a verbose confection. I have a lot of friends all across the universe. Not to mention in, under and beside the universe. I have an evil clone, an alien race and a pair of cracked out possums that are trying to kill me, but other than that life is good. To understand me, is to look deep in the ass of the universe and figure out the square root of eleventy. Read the blog and all will be revealed

Currently listening : Stevie Ray Vaughan - Greatest Hits By Stevie Ray Vaughan Release date: 31 October, 1995

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Celeb blog- Steve Novak dodges the dork bullet, well tries
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Life

Most of you know Steve Novak and if you don't you should immediately go check out his blog. Steve is one of those Top Bloggers that still has time for the little guy, and when I say that I am not referring to my 6 foot 250 pound frame. I had been planning an adventure with Steve for quite a while, but I just couldn't think of the right place to bring him. When I asked Steve for suggestions he said in typical Novak fashion.

I don't know surprise me.

Well as we all know saying that to me can often lead to very strange happenings, and this time proved no different.

I parked the SS SOD (S.tar S.hip S.uspension O.f D.isbelief) out in front of Steve's place and waited for a long time for him to come out.

What the hell? He knew I was supposed to be here, I knocked on the door and met his lovely wife Tami. Unlike Steve Tami has pretty good social skills and we talked for a while, finally she went to the computer room to get Steve. I heard some muted arguing and then Steve came out. He looked a mess, like he had been living off of caffeine and powdered dough nuts for a year. I made my introduction and he stared at me.

Steve: So you are really the Monkeywrench? I didn't think you were serious about coming to visit me. How did you find out where I live?

Steve had a nervous look and was looking around the room (probably for the nearest weapon).

Me: Thats not really important. What is important is I finally figured out where to take you! Now come on times a wastin, figuratively anyway. You see, I've decided to take you back in time.

Steve: Eh yeah. Listen Matt I really like your stories and all but this is starting to creep me out. Now it was nice to meet you and all but I really need to get back to... er.... work.

I could tell he was ready to call the cops and hit me with a bat, although not necessarily in that order. I was really tired of having to prove myself to people, but this was Steve and he did deserve an adventure.

Me: Ok, I get it, you think I'm crazy. Listen Steve you are the only one I know besides me that has had a conversation with Nessie (I did so in The cute ones have less calories, and Steve has several times in his blog)

Steve: That settles it! Tami call the cops. There is a lunatic in our house.

Tami could be heard form the back. What ever Steve he is perfectly fine, play nice with your friends.

Me: Listen Steve you obviously are having some difficulty with this, the SOD is parked right out front, although I wasn't planning on using it, we only need my watch.

Steve: Fine, I'll bite, take me time traveling

Me: Time hopping

Steve: Time Hopping whatever

Me: Alright well you need to be touching me for this to work.

Steve: I knew it!

Me: The shoulder is fine you big weenie

Steve reluctantly touched my shoulder and I twisted the dial on my watch. I figured something dramatic would snap him out of his paranoia, either that or give him a total psychotic break, either was better than our present situation. I hopped us back 211 million years. Unfortunately I had forgotten that in this first part of the Mesoziac era (the Triassic) California was under water. We splashed into the warm prehistoric sea. Luckily there was a huge floating isle of algae nearby. We swam over and pulled ourselves up. It was a large colony of algae at least a hundred feet around and it was strong enough to support our weight easily. Steve was looking around and muttering to himself, crap maybe he had a psychotic break after all, then he finally spoke up.

Steve: This is freaking amazing! Sorry I doubted you Wrench, this is ....

Just then Steve was interrupted by a nasty gurgling sound from the water. A half dozen or so long, snaky, purple tentacles sprang form the water and started wrapping around Steve. I could see a 10' shell come to the surface and the huge eyes and tentacles of the Ammonite that lived in it. Ammonites are like a nautilus, (a shelled cephalopod, like a squid or octopi) only enormous and apparently ravenous for the flesh of blogging illustrators.

I sprang to my feet and pulled out my plasma pistol. With a couple of quick shots I sent the beast squealing back into the water. Steve was covered in primordial slime and look quite shell shocked. I grabbed Steve and quickly jumped back to the comfort of his living room. After some tea and a quick shower he seemed OK. I asked him if he still wanted to get on with the adventure and he assured me he was fine, in fact he seemed quite excited. He even asked me where we were going, Hey you wanted the surprise remember?' He just smiled and grabbed my shoulder without any prompting. We went outside near the SS SOD, which Steve admired for a few minutes and then.

Hop... we were once again in the past only this time it was only a few years... relatively speaking.

The year was 1993

I quickly explained to Steve where we were, and what we were after. We were here so Steve could see his sixteen year old self and also so I could see a Nirvana concert before Cobain died.

If we had been looking for the past 'Me' we would have found a 21 year old with long hair and a penchant for girls, booze and illicit drugs, but we were after a different animal the young Novak. It didn't take us long to get to Steve's old school in the SOD (which I had cleverly disguised as a Volkswagen van.) and with a few wardrobe modifications we blended in perfectly. It was around 4 pm and we found the 'past' Steve sitting outside of the school drawing something in a large binder. He looked like a classic dork, withdrawn and shy and with the fashion sense of well... a dork. Steve Smiled as we observed his past, obviously lost in thought, then two young teenage girls walked by scantily dressed. The sixteen year old Steve came them a cursory glance and then went back to his drawing, meanwhile one of the little cuties waved at him. He didn't even notice. The current Steve suddenly became enraged and started yelling at himself.

Steve: Why didn't you wave you dork!

The 16 YO Steve couldn't hear us in the SOD, but Steve caught me off guard by suddenly running out of the SOD and over to himself. Oh, shit i had forgotten to tell Steve the rules and he interacting with himself without training could really land us in some shit. I started to get out of the SOD but Current Steve had grabbed past Steve by the arm and they were running away from me down an alley. This was a disaster, especially since I had to be at the Nirvana concert in less than an hour.

Oh top hell with it, I thought. Steve is a responsible... ish person I'm sure he will be fine. Plus if I get to the concert early maybe I can have Kurt sign my T-shirt!

Sadly I did not get my autograph, but the show was awesome, 'Mother Love Bone' was there too! I was so excited about the show I had forgotten about Steve. I went back to his childhood home and found Steve sitting on the curb. Thank God he was still here and hadn't written himself out of existence. When I asked Steve what happened he told me that when he initially started talking to himself he had planned on changing the future. Telling his sixteen year old self how not to be a dork, what he could do to change it, get laid for Christ Sake. You know dodge the dork bullet, but then he stopped himself.

Why? I asked (although I was relieved he hadn't tried it)

Steve: I thought about it and you know what I really do like my life, and if I hadn't been that 16 year old dork back there then I wouldn't be me now. Although I did give myself one bit of advice.

Me: Whats that?

Steve: Never sleep with the Loch Ness monster

Me: Words of wisdom my friend, words of wisdom

About the Monkeywrench

I am a time traveling, multi dimensional, psychic with the ability to speak to anything organic. My best conversations are often with food items. Sandwiches may be my favorite, but I do have a sweet tooth and relish a verbose confection. I have a lot of friends all across the universe. Not to mention in, under and beside the universe. I have an evil clone, an alien race and a pair of cracked out possums that are trying to kill me, but other than that life is good. To understand me, is to look deep in the ass of the universe and figure out the square root of eleventy. Read the blog and all will be revealed

Currently listening : Nevermind By Nirvana Release date: 24 September, 1991

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