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A year and a Day thingy
Current mood:  contemplative
Category: Life
This is a long read, so if you're not going to just skip it, you might wanna go get a drink or something before settling in to read my babbles.
There is comfort to be found in the familiar. New people, things, circumstances, and environs can be either offputting or exciting, but never comforting. It's okay, though, 'cause sometimes we're bored with being comfortable and need to explore or stretch our muscles a bit. But this past week wasn't one of those times for me and mine. The hole that Janice has left on this side of the veil is very large and offputting.
After she crossed over, there was a sort of antsy moment for me of, "Now what? What's next on our list of things to do?" Funny how being task oriented at the beginning of a crisis is actually an effective coping thing. Keeping busy and all that. The days leading up to that had us all feeling the entire range of emotions. We were all either away from home or opening ours up to other family. We were all worried. Most of us spent a lot of time at the hospital, not sure if we were on deathwatch or just sick bed duty. What a recipe for stress!
So when she crossed over, the activity came to a sudden stop and everyone went home to be alone with their thoughts and feelings. Sure we still made phone calls to each other, and her adult children had cremation arrangements to make. And we all had Grandma's blood pressure to occupy us. But the hustle and bustle stopped. Come to find out, I'm not the only one who slept a lot immediately afterwards; reckon we all did. After that, came the adjustment phase, seeking a new normal without her. We'll all be a year and a day in this phase.
Before, I spent my free time either playing the online game World of Warcraft, or sitting in front of the new TV to knit. I have a routine with those things, ya know? But these last couple of days, I haven't been able to keep my attention on WoW. I logged on several times, but just sort of putz'd around with my character, not really doing anything. Just ain't got the concentration for it.
I did finally get up the courage to cut the steeks in my fair isle sweater, that took me 16 months to knit. The adrenalin rush from that little bit of terror kept my attention! For you non-knitters, steeking is when you take scissors to your hand knitting and actually cut the thing - no shit! This particular sweater's technique calls for making the armholes and neck line via steeking, so I finally did it. And I'm happy to report that it did not disintegrate in my hands after all, lol. It held up wonderfully just like the pattern assured me it would. Whew!
That got my mind off of WoW long enough to delve back into my knitting with new fervor. During yesterday's errands, I was a very naughty girl when I tucked into the local yarn shop on a whim. Couldn't afford it, really, and certainly don't need anymore yarn or patterns. I'll have to reincarnate as it is just to finish what's on hand. But there's these two yarns there that I've coveted for a long time, and I just had to go visit them while I was out and about. Didn't realize it until I caught myself pulling into the parking lot there, I had actually missed these yarns I've never owned, lol. I petted both equally, the Noro Silkgarden and the Boku. I walked out with two skeins of the Boku and two interlac. Just fondling the delicious blends of good wool and silk, and feasting on the colorways was the most therapeutic thing I've done all week.
So yesterday, I listened to old childhood favorites, folksongs I can mindless sing along with (Gordon Lightfoot). And I worked on the fair isle while dreaming of casting on that first project with the Boku. None of it required my complete attention like WoW does. But none of left me too idle either. It was a very soothing, tactile, nurturing, rhythmic sort of way to almost occupy me. It was perfect.
And while I'm on the subject of loss and coping, and as a result of the quietness afterwards being filled with gentle thoughts, I've done some reflecting on my own response to all of this.
Several years ago, as I truly began to grasp my mortality, it scared the bejeezus out of me. The kids were teens, and foremost on my mind. My husband has lost both his parents and a brother within just a short time of each other. When dwelling on my own mortality, what scared me most was leaving them with a hole and with grief. Those thoughts caused some sleepless nights for sure. The kids still needed parenting, they weren't ready for me to disappear yet. And my husband can't go through this again, not yet.
Now I wasn't diagnosed with anything at all, mind you. In talking with other people my age at the time, mid thirties, that sudden panicked understanding of mortality is a common phase, apparently. Maybe you've heard of it. Midlife crisis, lol. We all come out of that phase differently.
Well, there was that one time I had a lump in my armpit and thought I had breast cancer. Scared myself so badly worrying over that one, I made hubby go into the doc's exam room with me. It was an ingrown hair. Glad I didn't face that alone, lol. Sheesh.
Now I've seen thousands born and thousands die so there's no physical mystery there. Familiarity = comfort, remember? And my spirituality has alleviated any worries about the afterlife. Instead of the old desperate need to know, like I felt in my twenties, I now view that as just the next place to be and a marvelous curiosity I'll one day get to explore. Having a relationship with the Allfather, having vivid dreams and enlightening meditations, and having received assurances from those freshly crossed over gives me comfort now.
So I miss her presence on this side of the veil, but I don't miss her presence completely because she isn't gone entirely. I know that's a cliché in every book, movie, and memorial thingy. But I know something these days that I didn't know when I was younger. I now know that statement is very very real.
It's been my experience that folks do indeed hang around in spirit for a few days after physical death, before the "second death," in which they go all the way over to whatever. That's why wakes have a party atmosphere. They're from a culture that knows that loved one is still present, and is the guest of honor. A good-bye party, if you will.
That's when I heard from Uncle Bil and when Mom heard from her childhood friend Virginia. Papaw's continued input on this side of the veil is rare, and all the more treasured. Jan's had her input/effects too, already, though they were more subtle.
Now I'm thinking about generations, patterns, and cycles. Knitting keeps me only slightly busy, but still free enough to think and contemplate. And eat milky ways. It's really embarrassing how many bags of the "fun-sized" ones I've plowed through.
Large families are often held together by one alpha member, a matriarch or patriarch as it were. She was definitely our alpha. Large families also tend to grow apart when that connection no longer ties them together. I don't want that to happen to us. It would be a tragedy of such huge proportions if the family died as a whole. Nature always fills a vacuum, but we have some say in this if we want it. Our choices now are ours to exercise or ours to forfeit. I don't want the family get-togethers to die out with that generation. I hope and wish for my generation to continue the traditions that are all based on staying connected. After my aunt and cousins left here to go back home, my house felt awfully empty.
Mother's Day today, and what a profound one. On a personal note, I'm proud as punch of our son! No juvenile delinquent bullshit, which has become his springtime pattern. He gets squirrelly every year. Nope, these days has seen a lot of growing up for him. He's taking classes with the DoE to get certified in a variety of things that will help him get one of those good careers going. And he's doing really well in these classes - did I mention I'm so very proud of him? The relief and pride are the greatest gifts he's ever given me.
But doing anything at all for Mothers Day felt funny today, yet doing nothing at all felt funny too. This is one of those year-and-a-day things of coping. So I repeated something I did a few years ago that worked well then. I announced that I don't want a thing handed to me, and I don't just want supper bought for me. I announced to my family that I want your time and company. The last time, we all went to the zoo, just to spend the day together. This year, we needed something very distracting. We went to the theater and watched Ironman. Me, hubby, son, and my Mom. Daddy and brother had to work today. Stepdaughter and I are estranged; don't go there.
It was a mundane thing, but it was significant that we even did it all.
The rest of my afternoon? Haven't decided yet. I'll either paint my nails, and play WoW while they dry, or seam the sleeves onto the body of my fair isle. And I'll worry about my cousins. As if losing their mom wasn't hard enough, this year's Mother's Day came less than a week afterwards.
Robert Downy Jr. as a superhero . . . Didn't see that one coming, back in the 80's, LOL.
12:23 PM
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weird
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