"I’m gonna make a change"

I just fit into my goal dress. It's a good feeling, a scary feeling. I am way off being the size I want to be, but it's a milestone none the less.

Change, its happening and its freaking me out. My mind is zooming forward. There are lots of issues in my past holding me back though. I have forgiven my Dad to his face I guess, but I don't really think I'm past it. I've been thinking about things lately and it keeps ending up in that choked up feeling with your eyes about to spill.

 I still hate myself.

 I hate myself because I really believed my father hated me for so long. Even when I found out he wasn't my dad it didn't seem like a good enough excuse for they way he treated me. I have heard lots of stories worse then my own, I am actually very privileged my abuse wasn't severe at all, there was no hospital stays, bruises that's all.

 My brain is fucked though.

 Worse then the beatings, was when my mother was away for weeks at a time, dad would take my sister out telling me they were going to the shops, I would get a bag of pees, to put over my eye and be left for a day, to scared to leave my room till my dad came home, to scared to do anything in my room incase my dad came home, I would lie ridged on my bed thinking.

People tell me to stop thinking, "Sarah you think to much" I can't help it, it became something I did, most of the time was spent wondering why dad left me at home while he went to social events with my sister, It never crossed my mind he was ashamed of himself, that my black eye was the problem not me. To me I was the problem; I felt he was so ashamed of me that's why he left me at home. I would think of why he was ashamed of me. I was ugly I was fat, I talked to much, I was too curious, I wanted to not be all of these things I wanted him to love me, and to be proud of me.

 Even now I seek his approval, I don't know why. I wish I didn't. I think I should actually seek counseling now, a friend suggested it the other night, when they said it I said "no I'm dealing fine, I'm actually a lot better then I was" The only thing I have gotten better at however is feeling one way and acting another. I do it in all aspects of my life.

If I love you, prepare to feel hated, it's the only way I can avoid rejection from you, because if you reject my hate, well that's fine cuz I didn't really hate you anyway, if you rejected my love though, I think I would break. I have been thinking an awful lot in the past few days about how I feel about my self, and why, and I think in order to keep up with my own life I need to sort out the self hatred issues, because all my friends are fucking awesome and I fully believe peoples friends reflect themselves, only I also feel I am an exception to the rule, which I also know is kind of a bit bullshit.

 Its hard living in my brain, it's full of logic being beaten down by emotion. In order to do uni successfully, to get down to a weight I'm happy with and to find a male companion to touch completely inappropriately as much as humanly possible I am going to have to give up self pity, I'm going to have to realise yeah I am kind of talented, kind of, Gah its hard to say, see I worked hard, I have no natural talent, I worked really hard to draw and paint, I just wanted to do it so bad, I don't even know what drove me towards them, talent wise its kind of obsolete doesn't really do any good.

Why couldn't I have been driven to become really intelligent and work out how to create a virus that is air born and completely sterilizes the human race so that in 80 something years there would be no humans and earth could start creating a balance again? Huh huh? Of course I will prolly have children though, but that's cuz I'm a selfish human and as such I have little to no self control, anyway I digress. I have things to say, I smile lots, and when it doesn't involve myself I have a fairly positive outlook. I like to help people, I am a good person.

I just feel flawed and gross, my father without knowing or intending created a fairly insecure person. I don't think he did any of it to make me who I am, he was just a product of his own background and acted accordingly, he is in fact a vain shallow drunk, who quite frankly if he wasn't my father I would have little respect for him. Even now I don't know whether I have respect or fear.

So still I harbor all these feelings and thoughts, perhaps I need to talk it out? I don't know I am fairly comfortable talking about it with certain people, I don't know if talking is going to help, I think I just need some strategies to help remove myself from it emotionally. But its definitely time to get it sorted, I should have dealt with it a long time ago, but with all these other things I'm trying to change I think it may all fall on its arse if I don't sort this out with it.

6:25 AM - 9 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Misery is my mistress.

I'm going to attempt to write my thoughts and my conversations of yesterday.

Not all of my thoughts will be written though, people need their secrets.

-I can't get hold of her, maybe she doesn't want to go anymore, don't be stupid we paid a hundred bucks for these tickets ring her boyfriend and get a number for where she's at-

I rang nick, but his phone was switched off, and had a little bit of a panic so I thought I should go potter around the house a bit. I rang him again after eating a handful of pills that are attempting to keep me healthy as I effectively starve myself day to day in order to become one of the thin happy people, though don't worry it has come to my attention in the last couple of days that all this is doing is making me generally more nervous and a lot more simple, I haven't stopped it yet though, because I'm not sure if I'm just trying to make excuses to be fat or whether this diet is actually affecting me mentally. Any way Nick's phone was on and he picked up.

"Hey Nick its Sarah, could I get a number for Atalya her phone isn't working" "Yeah she's with Jack, do you mind if I ring you in a second with the number?"

-Her phones probably dead that's cool it's already 10 though, doesn't it start at 10? Oh I don't know, Gah stop thinking about it, the day is young it will be ok. Look nick is ringing back it will all be sorted.-

"Hey Sarah, the number is *********, could you ask her to give me a call when you get in touch with her?" "Sure man, thanks for that, see ya later"

-no answer, how many times can I ring in a row? Why am I so impatient? Message bank again, shit-

At this stage I looked around my room and pondered cleaning it, Instead of cleaning it I decided to look for my blue singlet that has coloured dots on it, I couldn't find it though, maybe I should be cleaning my room rather then writing this. Anyway after searching my room around 10 times I gave up and tried to ring Jack again, he picked up.

-Hey Jack, this is Sarah is Atalya there?" "Sure I'll just grab her for you" "Hey, I went swimming with my phone, I was gonna call you in a second" "that's cool, whats happening?" "Um I have to go home shower and get dressed, do you want to just meet me at home?" "Yeah I have to shower too" "Ok, cool, just get there as soon as possible"

I showered and got dressed. Then realized I hadn't eaten yet, I was doing pills at park life so I needed to eat something, I quickly looked in the cupboard and couldn't find anything I particularly wanted to eat, so I settled on eating a space food stick, whose high sugar and low nutritional value would most certainly give me the required energies needed for the day. After consuming the almost chocolate flavored texture dump I thought that maybe I should have a protein shake as well, and then I would have a few nutrients running around the blood circuit for the day.

On the way to Atalya I listened to Ben Lee's new album "ripe', and fully connected with everything he said, even though I have never been in love or had sex, I concluded that maybe I was an idealist, and that maybe the world had no room for idealists.

Atalya was almost ready when I got to her house, her boyfriend volunteered to drive us due to the fact he probably didn't want us driving home high, on the way there I dropped into a servo to get some sunglasses, which turned out to be rather un necessary because I bought them to shield my eyes from the light while I was pilling, turned out I rather liked the brightness, but at the moment that's irrelevant.

On the way there it was brought to my attention that we couldn't take water bottles into the venue, which is stupid, so I tipped the water out of my bottle on to the road and decided if they didn't let me take a empty bottle in there to fill I wouldn't be going in. On after thought I thought I should have just drunk the water, tipping the water on the road is just a small taste of how rash I can be.

 We got to park life and nick dropped us off at the main gates, there were a lot of people holding signs asking to buy tickets.

-Maybe I should just sell the ticket I don't really want to go anymore-

For some reason my mind was slipping into depression rather fast, Atalya could sense it and kept telling me to calm down and that everything would be all right, but we were standing in a huge crowd of florescent people in broad daylight, this wasn't really a comfortable outing for me. I was also going to be doing drugs around these people, people I severely didn't trust, even though I didn't know them and perhaps they were all nice, I've been wrong many times and wouldn't presume I was right about the untrustworthiness of this florescent crowd but a feeling isn't always logical.

Anyway we got in and I must admit I felt a little excited, there was music everywhere and people looked awesome, and there was lot of people who had taken to many pills at once flouncing around with their jaws jutting forward and the extreme washes of utopia swelling over their bodies. It was amusing to watch, especially one guy in a pink shirt, I was a little scared he was going to break his ankles with the way he flounced around but he seemed to be enjoying him self so much that I doubt that would have even stopped him.

Atalya and I went and scoped out the entire park, mainly so I could know where all the ambos and toilets were, my brain needs safety and in some strange way knowing these things sets me to ease.

We found some cigarettes, well not so much found, we bought some cigarettes from a small cigarette kiosk we found outside a DSA, which stands for designated smoking area, when I worked at Warner, we called it the dosa. There was a man in the kiosk that was rather perturbed by my cardigan and begged me to remove it.

 I find it strange how people are so affected by the clothes I wear, day to day I am harassed to remove clothing, not in a sexy way, but in a they can't handle the fact that my modesty is such that covering up entirely is what I do.

I made the mistake of picking up the phone when my best friend James rang, or perhaps I made the mistake of telling him where I was and what I was doing, after getting off the phone to him I started getting messaged like –don't be a loser Sarah-if you die on drugs I'm not going to your funeral-and-I'm not going to watch you become the person you were when you first got back from Sydney, and so on.

We hadn't taken any drugs yet though we were just floating round the place enjoying the music because it was enjoyable not because we were off chops.

2 or 3 hours into the festival our drugs arrived, I was going to take a half, but after getting my arm twisted quite severely I decided I may as well take the full, mainly because I'm a destructive idiot, I know full well that I never handle taking a full one, but I always do anyway, people say to live is to learn, but that is so untrue!! I nearly always bring that up though,

In year 2 I remember trying to spell –A-R-E, I knew there was 3 letters, so I spelt it RRR, and then when I saw the actual spelling I remembered I had already known how to spell the word so I turned to my friend Rebecca and said, "as you get older you must forget things", because as far as I was concerned I knew everything. She looked at me a little confused and said "no as you get older you learn more" Bah, what did she know anyway.

Any way within 20 min the pill hit me, which is super fast, as always I experienced the nervous onset, I worry about losing control, about embarrassing myself, I worry as if I am the leader of the world and any weakness I portray will destroy the fragile make up of this planet, this is the stage where I disappear for a while into a toilet to gather my thoughts, my friends call it the Sarah is acting a little strange stage,

 I went off and I sat in the port-a-loo until the rushing started, I don't know how long I was in there but I had sweated up a storm and came to the resolution that if everyone in this park had the same contempt for me as I had for them then I didn't really have to worry about their thoughts, when I walked out of it into the open air a breeze hit my sweat drenched body and it felt like an awesome wave of goodness.

I got the head wobbles straight away and went and hugged my friend, who pointed out a hot guy with dreads who reminded me too much of a guy who recently rejected me, which has messed with my head for the past couple of months, then a girl was punched and the good feelings ended. I think it was the combination of remembering how unworthy of this guy I was and seeing a random act of violence that killed it.

This is where I would write all the reasons I started to fixate on why the guy that I had liked didn't like me, but I'm not going to write them down because they are rather harsh and fucked and I don't actually think he would have thought such things.

I went a way from my friend to fill my water bottle then came back, my brain was still dwelling and the crowd was making my chest hurt, so I said "sorry I have to go", she kept me there long enough to contact her boyfriend to pick me up though, which on hindsight was awesome, and a bit of a struggle because I really wanted to leave. I started making a move for an exit, the crowds where closing in, they where laughing, perhaps at me, perhaps because they were happy, both ideas were existing in my head at the same time.

I saw the sign EMERGENCY EXIT, the guard tried to stop me but he had no chance I was out of there, I was free.

-Shit there is no pass outs-

I was free but I was feeling better, so I kind of wanted back in, but if I got in I would want back out, so I had to deal with the fact I was out and not getting back in. I was walking through some gardens without realizing until a lady in an orange vest asked me to move to the foot path, I was perhaps too apologetic, she didn't really seem to care.

I rang James to apologize and explain that he was right and that I was an idiot, and that I had run from the park, and was now walking in circles around the park, I like walking though so it wasn't that bad, but every now and then I would come across a group of people laughing and the two separate thoughts of "they are laughing at me" and "they are laughing because they are happy" would come back into my head, and the weighing up which was the correct thought always took to much effort and made me nervous because being right or wrong was all my choice, because it was all in my own head, I had the choice to be happy or paranoid, and instead of choosing I was hanging in limbo letting them both exist..

Then I thought it would be cool to ring Zoran because I like nothing better then unleashing the crazy on him.

Then I was passing the same place we were dropped off and a very concerned Nick was running for me he then steered me towards his car, I was pretty frightened about getting in his car, I was scared I would need to pee, and that my body would decide that because it was sitting, that it was on a toilet and that I would pee in his car, I didn't discuss this thought with him though, because the counter thought was there telling me that I didn't need to go to the toilet and even if I did there was muscles I had to choose to release in order to do so, so I sat in his car, half at ease half freaked out to the maximum capacity a person who had two hemispheres to their brain can be.

I don't really remember the conversation on the way home because my brain was fighting over whether or not I was going to pee, then half way though the trip it decided to fight over whether or not I had pee'd. Luckily on leaving his car there was no wetness left upon the seat so now my positive brain was 1 and my negative brain was 0.

Regardless of what either side said though I went and sat on the toilet, I thought maybe reminding myself what it was to pee would help the situation, I don't know if it really helped that much because as I did it, I realized I knew what it was to pee all along.

Nick left the house for a while and I went and sat on the front veranda, it was getting dark and their cat kept hitting me with its head in an affectionate way which was nice, I figured it knew my brain was struggling with itself at the moment and it did its best to tell me that I was ok and all would be good.

I saw James drive past and remembered I had asked him to come pick me up from nicks, so that was a cool surpriseless surprise, though the sour cats bum look on his face was not very good for me.

He took me for a drive, and out of no where I started thinking about how ugly my vagina was and how I would like to get plastic surgery on it, James asked me what I was thinking about at precisely this point and I shared, the next hour and a half with him was spent mainly dwelling on how ugly it was, but also on the fact that no genitals where all that pretty anyway, and why should mine be an exception, I decided it was my duty as an artist to be as esthetically pleasing as possible, and so far in my life I was failing dismally,

I also started to ponder whether or not maybe I enjoyed misery? Because pills are supposed to make you happy but whenever I have one I dwell on the most awful things. Maybe I actually liked doing that, maybe running around being happy and hugging people was something I didn't like to do. I tried to assess myself emotionally, and I seemed pretty relaxed, my negative brain was just winning at the moment, it wasn't actually making me sad though.

I asked James to drop me back at Nicks; I liked the couch there so I figured the positive brain would start winning again if I went there. When I got there though a third brain appear, the brain was the manipulator, it manipulated me into thinking I had come down, which in turn made my mouth convince the boys that I had come down so nick gave me my keys and I got in my car to go home. I said goodbye to James who told me he needs to have words with me later, and then I started my car.

Nick ran up asking if I would drop him in the city, I said sure, he invited me to go to a thing with him but I started to realise that I wasn't actually down yet and I didn't want to hang out with anyone, so I said no and dropped him off and started driving home.

The traffic was so slow it was bugging me out, I put my car into 3^rd gear, it screamed, and screamed, until I realized the traffic wasn't slow I was just being impatient, I don't have a Speedo so I had no idea what speed I was doing the whole way home felt like I was doing around 40 kms, it was hard to concentrate on the road, but I knew for the safety of my life and all the other peoples lives on the road that I had to forget about all the interesting scenery on either side of my car.

I got to the roundabout that takes me to my house, and realized I wasn't ready to go home so I went to and awesome out door spot up a mountain that was completely dark, I turned my car off and stumbled around in the dark getting further and further away from my car, then I actually needed to pee, which was ok because I was in the dark and in the bush, and I had even taken the liberty of grabbing a handful of toilet paper from a port-a-loo just incase they were all out of toilet paper later on. I don't think peeing has ever hit me so spiritually before, I squatted there peeing while looking up at an almost full orangey moon which out of the corner of my eye I could see reflected on a lake, I appreciated every second of it.

After I finished my spiritual toilet trip I decided it was probably best to get back to the car, because I wasn't all that steady on my feet, maybe that wasn't exactly a logical thought looking aback on it, but it worked, I then drove back to the round about and went around it a few times trying to decide what to do next.

So I messaged Zoran, then I rang him, I don't really remember the conversation with him though.

I got off that round about and started heading up the mountain again, but while I was driving my brain decided I was on another road, so I was driving to a destination I wasn't actually driving to, which became increasingly stressful and puzzling. But with a series of left turns I found a sign that pointed me back to home.

 I was ready for home now.

I got home and everyone asked me about park life, I told them how great it was then went to the bathroom to wash my face and put on moisturizer.

I then spent two hours telling my family all the fears I had about my future, and how much I hated being an artist, and how much I needed to be an artist, and questioned whether or not I would ever find myself worthy of a partner, my family took all of this fairly well and no real questions were asked, well there was questions asked but about the topic, not about why I was talking like this.

I then settled in bed and read the rest of "breakfast of champions" which I think has affected this blog rather dramatically.

1:05 AM - 5 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

Letter to a corpse.

Dear Daniel,

                 18 today, thats how old you would have been, I can't quite comprehend this feeling, just under four years ago you killed yourself, 14, come on mate, thats a bit rash don't you think? What did you know at 14 that would have been worth killing yourself? Everyone in the family is celebrating your birthday with drinks tonight, I didn't even realise it was your birthday till mum pulled me aside, it still hurts, 4 years and it still hurts like a son of a bitch. I want to forget you ever existed thats how much it hurts. You killed yourself the day the other daniel got abducted, fuck my brain came up with so many conspiracys, its kind of funny to think how far from reality your death shook me. Your death prolly saved me, i was on a fairly selfish track, it got me back into the family, though I would rather be living selfishly and without family knowing you were still alive. I miss you so much, I wish I hadn't placed having a good time with friends so much higher then hanging out with you, I still wish I died your hair blonde like a promised, I just really miss you. I'm the only black sheep left, though its ok cuz I have Alex turning I nice charcol colour, so her and I have a better friendship now. Is it ok that I still hate you? its just a pure emotion, don't think of it as a bad thing, just realise that taking yourself from me made me hate you. I remember you as a kid, when I lived with you, laughing till you wheazed to death, but when I close my eyes I see you laying in a coffin, thats not fair, I should see you right now getting completly wasted.

Well Happy Birthday Fuck wit.

Thanks for thinking your so good that living was beneath you, Cunt.

Love

Your fairly unstable but jolly Cousin

Sarah

10:56 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

No really, its ok.

..> ..>I'm a non religious virgin, which for a lot of people is hard to believe, especially with how vulgar I can be. I have a thousand excuses for why I am one, I like to believe it's because I never get the opportunity. Which would suck I guess, but sadly it isn't the case.
I have major trust issues, but only with my body. I'll hand over my mind and soul for a smile. Smile at me and I'll allow you to destroy my world, try to massage my clit though and you'll be met with an icy chill.
We are all flawed and human, and I understand that, I use to think maybe I could hide my humanness under clothing, but I think people figured it out after I took off my tinfoil hat and stopped barking like a dog. So now I'm left completely ousted as a flawed human, yet I have kept a strong hold on being the ultimate frigid emo, which is kind of a cool nick name, but really is it one to be proud of? I don't think so, sure being a slut gets you diseases but being a frigid emo keeps you in the isolated bubble of frustration, you don't want to let anyone in because they will judge you, but you miss out on the best part, Judging them!
Ha ha No. You miss out on being simply human. What the hell does simply human mean? Well fucked if I know, I was trying to be aloof and poetic. Bite me!
The one thing that goes over my head in all almost sexy time situations is a time when I was seven (warning may get pretty fucked up don't keep reading if you can't handle it). My Mother and Father were having a fight because my dad was drunk and my mother wouldn't fuck him, I wasn't in the room or anything, I was sitting on my bed pressed up against the wall so I could hear them.
My father got nastier and nastier, and I remember all of what he said, I wont repeat it because I can't even say what he said without crying so writing it down would probably make me vomit, but lets just say he thought the best way to get mum to have sex with him that night was by pointing out all the reasons he wouldn't want to have sex with her. The words where then followed by the great mile stone of my mother becoming an abused wife statistic, he had never hit her before, and I don't know why he went so mental over sex, but he broke her nose.
Now back then I couldn't really comprehend anything he had actually said, the words were just sentences strung together in my head that kept swirling around, I guess having my mum come into my room to see if I was alright and seeing her face all fucked up just kinda shocked them into my memory, I didn't actually start to comprehend anything he had said that night till puberty, it was then I felt sickened, but I think it was also for the best, I had spent the better half of my youth scared of my dad, and with comprehension came contempt and realizing all this man could do was kill me at the worst was kind of freeing, because I knew he wouldn't do that, he had a reputation, a career, and fuck knows what else but all these things lead to a high probability that I could do whatever the fuck I wanted and he wouldn't kill me. Though these realizations weren't good for schooling, ha ha, you win some you lose some.
Anyway so that first fight, it was all over sex, I'm sure there was more going on, I was seven, my sister was two, they both worked in the army fulltime, and life was probably a little stressful. I wasn't his child, though I didn't find that out until a bit further down the track. As I realised tonight after talking to the great J.A, I'm looking for someone to trust, but humans aren't to be trusted because they are to frigen emotional. But that isn't a bad thing, because you get to know people enough to know where their flaws are and you accept them, if they are a cheater and you know it you accept it, if they love to gossip meh, you accept it, people aren't perfect and it's nice.
That night has affected a whole bunch of my life though, well mainly the sexing part, well it hasn't affected it as much as completely voided it, nothing a blog couldn't though, ha ha. Now the question is do I just take the leap? Is it even a leap, I'm one of the most emotionally turbulent, yet strong at the same time people I know, I've dealt with family suicides, abuse, deceit, mental break downs and a severe love of sugar, ok maybe I haven't dealt with the sugar abuse yet, but seriously will sex actually destroy me? I see no logic behind my logic…is that even logical? Gah to fuck or not to fuck that is the question my friends, that is the question.

6:14 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Its all relevant.

I feel guilty every time I go to the toilet, you have to flush the toilet, which wastes water, you then have to wash your hands, more water wasted, and then you dry your hands with some paper, which kills some trees.

I know I know you could wipe it on yourself, but that looks like gross, no one does that past primary school, then again you could use a piece of cloth, but what if the person before you doesn't know how to correctly wash their hands and they infect you with their 1's and 2'?

Or even worse what if you are that person who can't wash their hands? And you infect everyone, then they perform a CSI style forensic test and trace it back to you, then they tell everyone how you can't wash your own hands, and then people start tormenting you about how mummy needs to wash your hands and your left in a corner crying and licking your hands clean?

 See paper is the obvious yet guilt ridden choice when it comes to drying your hands in the bathroom, and No I'm not going to say anything about the hand dryer, who actually takes the 10 mins to dry their hands with one of them? No one, if faced with a hand dryer people just wipe it on their ass and walk out of the bathroom looking like they've been spanked by a very fat and sweaty toilet troll.

Not that we hear much about save the trees these days, we only hear about how in less then a year we wont have any water and how we will all dry out and die, kind of like when they stab that dehydrator syringe bottle into people in tank girl. Only there wont be anything stabbed into us, it will be the lack of re-hydrating that causes our skin to start sucking into itself, which I guess would be kind of cool to film and display in the GOMA.

I should opt for the "fuck the trees, all they do is absorb our water anyway", especially since I'm an artist, I need some paper to draw you know, or I guess I could use leather, though that would bring up a whole other set of issues.

Tonight as I was washing clay off my hands I thought to myself "I wonder if I can write to the government and ask for special privileges on water usage?" You see artists use lots of water; we need it to wash our hands, our brushes, and the paint that spills on the carpet that mum told us not to paint on, because if we don't wash it off in time and it stains mum may kick us out!

 Even something as simple as stretching a canvas needs water, you see you stretch the canvas as taunt as possible over the wood, but its not good enough because you're a puny little human who can't stretch a canvas to the right tension, so you have to completely soak it with water and leave it in the sun so it can shrink, much like when you buy that awesome wool cardigan wash it then hang it on the line, only you didn't want it to shrink so you start crying and yelling an hitting things that you presume can't feel things like walls (and your wife, Soulla) though you don't do this about the canvas, with the canvas you run around singing because the water and suns powers combined have just ripened a canvas ready to paint on!and your an artist, therefore you love to paint!

 So in conclusion, use more paper, hell use more water its about quality of life not to quantity, we should get everyone together for a big hose/ water bomb fight till all the water is gone, by the way they go on about it that should last a good hour or so, then we could all take a nice strong hit of heroin, Ka-pish!

 Its over, humans are extinct, but they left on a hell of a high, and then all the animals could feast upon our bodies, possibly also getting a little dopey, I'm not quite sure what the affects of eating heroin soaked bodies raw would be…I guess that's not for us to know.

Currently listening : Hey You. Yes You. By Ben Lee Release date: 05 August, 2003

6:49 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Its a mad mad world!

I keep feeling that people don't believe in me. Even when I find random notes in my bag from friends telling me wonderful things like "I think UR the coolest". In fact so many people believe in me its mind boggling. The problem is I don't believe in there ability to believe in me. I'm not saying I think my friends are idiots, but in the stance of who knows me the most, I treat them as such. I'm sure they know me better then me; I'm too absorbed in narsistic thoughts to have a firm grip on any rational thoughts of myself.

Next time I receive a compliment I'm going to try and accept it, truly accept it, not just think "thanks for pretending to think I'm cool" more like "thanks". That's it. People aren't out to get me like I think they are. Why would they bother, they have themselves to think about. I get caught up in all the silly details...which artistically it may not seem like I do but even to my huge free flowing faces I have gotten the tiniest brushes and worked into it with such non-needed detail driven madness.

 I'm self sabotaging the flow of a life that could be lead in a fun, optimistic and successful way by lurking in self-loathing pity and blaming past events on future actions. I'm taking responsibility for now, like I guilt the people around me into doing.

I'm like a mother who wanted to dance but instead made her daughter do it instead. I stand around tuting at my friends and showing them how to better manage their lives while I wade around in my own filth not knowing where to start, or even if it's possible.

 The people around me never cease to amaze me, they change for the better everyday. They have chosen me as their friend, so maybe I am capable of a change, not a fad, but an actual change for the better. A healthier mind, a healthier body and hopefully a healthier car...ok that last bits a joke...Burt the laser is fine! I kinda started the change a month and a bit ago after a zombie movie scared me into going to the gym, now I go nearly every day and feel better for it…I'd feel even better if I sat down and wrote the 6 reviews and semiotic paper that were due two weeks ago, but instead I'm writing this out of my head.

Tomorrow will be the day of review writing and Sunday can be dedicated to semiotics…lucky I'm not religious or god would smite me for working on a Sunday…though technically shouldn't he smite me for not being religious? Ok perhaps that's a topic for another night I really need to get to sleep. If you read that…Um sorry for verbally vomiting all over your eyes, but really you should have some more self-control next time, it's your life, take charge!

8:07 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Why don't you like me? Why don't you like me? Why don't you like yourself?
Current mood: crazy

Soulla (the wife) and I went out last night to smoke some straight pole… Though by 12:30am that looked impossible since the gays had taken over and kept taking us from gay bar to gay bar…2 and half hours we still hadn't seen any remotely straight pole, much less had a chance to smoke it. I took action like only I could, I started chanting "I want to smoke some straight pole" this action made the gays cringe with embarrassment so they decided to take us to the mustang on the proviso we come back to the gay hub of dancing at 3am. Off we trotted to the straight bar, it was amazing, it was made for breeding, the music was at a level you could talk over it…even on the dance floor, it was hot so the place smelt of warm beer burps and pheromones and the light was bright enough for everyone to be visible yet not distinguishable.

 The only problem was the fact we had been dancing with super hot well groomed men, now we were dancing with smelly not so hot men, that's the price for liking the cock and being a girl I guess. Not long in, a small blonde haired English bloke asked Soulla and I if we would like to talk to his friends…it was like being in high school, I felt young and alive again! Before we could stop laughing his two friends came over and started chatting to us. Blocking the little fella out of the picture, I can only assume this is some kind of male pack thing. After a short intro and chat the guys started wrestling, this was a little weird but Soulla filled me into the fact that men do this to show us how manly and strong they are. Before Soulla and I could stop laughing they had finished there manly display and were back to talking to us, The guy I was talking to started telling me how much Australia sucks and how backward we were…which to tell you the truth was kind of hot, it only got hotter as he started to tell me the price of everything he was wearing, made smoking by the look on his face when I told him everything I was wearing cost less then his shoes.

 This completely thrilling conversation was cut short when I looked behind me to see a guy in a brown shirt chasing James with a fist, I ran between brown shirted throw back and James to try and diffuse the situation, James then started telling me what was going on which caused a flock of beer breathed throw backs to then try and save me from him. This gang up on the "big gay" in a straight club in this day and age is fucking disgraceful! When we got him out of there and into a taxi, James told me what happened up to me seeing brown shirted throw back chasing him. James was dancing with a very attractive girl on a podium and some throw back tried to pull him off to dance with said girl, neither the Girl or James wanted that option so they kept dancing , then a bottle hit James in the head, it hurt but James isn't a fighter (even though he is 6ftsomething and 3 foot across the shoulders) so he kept on dancing, this enraged the non-pole smoking throwback so he grabbed James' legs and pulled him off the podium, James narrowly missed having his head cracked open on the podium, yet still didn't fight back, just got up and moved away. What kind of "MAN" after repetitive violence with nothing in return keeps going at someone?

Other then that the night was awesome…except for no straight pole was smoked.

Currently listening : Life in Cartoon Motion By Mika Release date: 27 March, 2007

10:40 PM - 14 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Obviously it takes more then two.

I was sitting in my room minding my own beeswax, when my thoughts were interrupted from howling in the living room. I was struck by complete horror "MY FAMILY IS BEING MURDERED BY HOWLING NINGA CATS". Settle down people, it's ok my family was intact and smiling gleefully at the tragedy that is commercial television. This show 'It takes two', what the fuck, this show is mental, it is sitting there laughing evilly while it eats the brains of thousands of people across Australia...and what's worse, I hear you say what could be worse? What's worse is they are doing it for charity! Haven't these people gone through enough? Instead of making people embarrass themselves on T.V via song, why don't they make a show called "Shitting your pants in public places for charity"? I'd find that much more entertaining, I would even go as far as putting it on mute, How funny would that be? You could invite friends over and create your own dialogue to the show, you could play drinking games, a shot for every person who hurls. I don't know how the charity would work, I not a friggen T.V persony person I don't need to know! : p

4:02 AM - 13 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Prostitute dreams.

Last night I dreamt that I found a little bee hive of rooms at the brisbane river, after sitting on the bed of one of these room contemplating why the hell it was here, a group of people burst it and started talking about how the night was going to run. The ladies all had to walk up the road to fetch men, the hotter the man the less they had to pay for sex. It was weird, I even got a booklet, I though to myself, ok thats cool, I'll just shave my legs before I go, so I got into the bath tub and started shaving while everyone was watching, but then it turned out my legs were fake, so i didn't need to be shaving at all. I thought to myself, "why did I never notice I have no legs?" I then was stuck with the problem of "do I need to take my fake legs off in order to have sex?" then I woke up, I tried to get the dream going again because I wanted to know how it ended but it wouldn't let me.

10:05 PM - 11 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

Stale mate.

I hate guns, but they exist.

In no way are we going to be able to control them.

In no way will we ever get to destroy them.

What if it was compulsary for everyone to carry a gun?

What if we were given one at birth?

If everyone held a gun if someone started to go bullet ballistic people could easily take them down, minimalising death count.

I never want to hold a gun though.

I just hate feeling so unsafe.

I'm sure if everyone owned a gun the stalemate would only last a second before something else got out of control.

What can you do?

1:05 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment