[LIVE] Mormon Santa Announces His V.P. Pick -- AND MORE BABY NEWS!
Category: News and Politics
Mormon Santa Announces His V.P. Pick -- AND MORE BABY NEWS!
First off, some more baby news. Little Mormon Santa II, just 648 hours old, is out of rehab and, I'm happy to report, developing nicely. His second row of baby teeth is just starting to come in, and, after opting to get the double circumcision, I had them go ahead and dock his ears too. Some may feel that is cruel, but there are cultural reasons. I think the Dogon tribe does it.
And, now that I've shrewdly let all the other presidential candidates make their V.P. picks, I am finally ready to announce mine: Little Mormon Santa II.
Ha! Didn't see that one coming, did'ya? I know, I know -- No doubt, the first thing to roll out onto many of your tongues just now was "nepotism". More likely, just the "nep" part, then an uncomfortable pause before a hesitant "po-tism?" But nothing could be further from the truth.
Mormon II is my exact genetic clone. And as far as I can tell from as far as I got on the "Electronic U.S. Constitution" I have on DVD, at worst, I'd be held to serving my two consecutive presidential terms in one four-year term. Plenty of time to see all my bold initiatives come to fruition, even on a two-day work week.
Cloning myself for this precise purpose was a personal choice and should be treated as a highly private matter, so don't even go there you Elitist Ivory Tower Eastern Media Establishment Bloggers. I'm sure you "opinion holders" would have been happier had I "terminated" an immoral scientific abomination like my son. Who are you to decide such a thing? If a time comes that my most dear, very special son should display superpowers with the potential to one day eclipse my own, I alone will decide what is best for me.
Predictably, some will even suggest that Mormon II doesn't have adequate "experience" to assume the Presidency should one of my oft-reported "suicide" attempts succeed in claiming me while in office. If that happens, the kid did it. Don't let his lack of control over his own bowels fool you. He is but one of a succession of Anti-Christs to come, and his upper-arm strength is already sufficient enough to snap the necks of the entire Supreme Court during a short recess.
My fellow Americans, I promise to keep him locked in a gun safe, and to only bring him out on Christmas.
It has been awhile since I posted any updates on my new baby. I am overjoyed to report that Mormon Muhammad Santa II (I figure he can go with his middle name, depending) recently entered this world on 8.8.08!
Despite repeated requests that my privacy be respected, particularly during this special time in my life, a number of rumors have already started circulating in the press and on the Internet.
First, it has been suggested that the father is a certain Southern senator and former presidential candidate who is presently embroiled in another sex and paternity scandal. Although the possibility exists that little Mormon II was conceived on the same date and in the same hotel restroom the certain Southern senator allegedly locked himself while being pursued by reporters, this certain Southern senator is NOT the father! I rarely fall so deeply into that k-hole that I lose all ability to monitor my own.
Second, it simply isn't true that I am actively negotiating the adoption of Mormon II to any celebrity couples. Mormon II is only a few days out of the hospital and but one day into a court-ordered rehabilitation program. Brangelina, Madonna, and John and Cindy McCain will just have to wait on the chance to add a "hermaphro" baby to their collections, and should seek out other fresh sources of collagen for now.
Lastly, my activist stance on public breastfeeding is well known, as is my recent legal citation for daring to do this. Honestly, what could be more natural yet, sadly, still so controversial? Asking the lady if she was going to use the stuff in her breast pump too was, I now admit, a bit presumptuous -- but I merely asked.
************************ ANNOUNCING THE MORMON SANTA "MORMENTUM EXPRESS" VICE PRESIDENTIAL "VEEPSTAKES" CONTEST
Would you like to be among the first to learn who Mormon Santa selects as his 2008 presidential running mate AND enter a drawing for a chance to win this coveted slot yourself?
Mormon Santa will reveal his VEEP pick shortly on his official campaign site www.mormonsanta.com, and subscribers will not only get the news as soon as it is announced but actually will have their names placed into consideration for this very same U.S. Vice Presidential opening! Yes, even you Puerto Rican chicks have a shot!
BREAKING NEWS: Mormon Santa Sex Video Scandal?
Category: News and Politics
BREAKING NEWS: Mormon Santa Sex Video Scandal?
News reports claiming the existence of an explicit sex video featuring dapper demiurge Mormon Santa have recently surfaced across the internet.
Mormon Santa is said to be the lone individual captured in the shaky, poor quality cell phone video. The explicit content purportedly shows "obvious hermaphroditic features" engaged in a variety of "bizarre auto-erotic activities" involving a large vibrating candy cane, a seemingly endless string of colored Christmas lights, "hooked" ornaments, snow boot-licking and several unsuccessful attempts at self-penetration.
Mormon Santa has never made a secret of the many extensive procedures he underwent to become "the world's first surgical hermaphrodite". The now countless photos of his nude mobility scooter shopping trips often eclipse the Google search rankings of other celebrity "lap dog and service animal shots", as they are known in the trade.
"And clearly, the explicit features look very, um, 'surgical' in this video," said one source who claimed to have seen the entire 15-minute snippet, but wished to remain anonymous, and hospitalized.
Publicity stunt?
Mormon Santa is allegedly offering to sell the video for $1.5 million, while adult publishing magnets Hugh Hefner and Larry Flynt, in an unusual joint move, made a $1.6 million counteroffer to the notorious self-promoting Santa in an attempt to prevent any sale or distribution of the video.
No doubt by now you are aware of the entire hubbub surrounding a certain recent magazine cover and its so-called "satirical" cartoon cover art. Before I enter into a discussion of its merits, or lack thereof, I believe the image can speak volumes on its own...
"The Christian Santa Monitor" is a fax-only "zine" with a limited distribution. I sometimes suspect that I alone receive a regular, unsolicited subscription. Its publisher is a rather vocal and long-standing political and theological enemy of mine whose attacks are invariably marked by gross distortions and even grosser image attachments.
There are those who would defend or simply dismiss this cover art as a rather broad "political satire" depicting some people's (or at least one person's) wholly erroneous, yet oddly unshakable perceptions of me. There are those who would insist that it be taken "within the proper context", one seemingly known only to an effete group of aging fax enthusiasts, present company excepted. "But isn't it ironic?" Truth is, most Americans have had no proper understanding of irony since Alanis Morissette's misuse of the term on "Jagged Little Pill" in 1995. Those who would defend this depiction in such terms are merely making excuses for what is plainly a calculated characterization of the most offensive kind -- namely, that I am Mormon.
Again, I am not a Mormon! My first name is Mormon, a name that was given to me by my beloved black Satanic coven. I have no official affiliation with the LDS Church. I've mostly attended a few food raffles, and that's about it!
Nor would I be caught dead in a pair of pointy-toed shoes.
I found an alien implant in my ass, although God made this for other purposes
Category: Life
I had an alien implant come out of my anus a few days ago.
The implant that came out was quite far up there and the only reason I discovered it was because, believe it or not, I was Guided to get sculptured nails. At the time, God only said that He'd had this done recently Himself and that He thought they would suit me too, and wouldn't it be fun if we both had them done? Because we're like that. Later I was sitting at my computer ordering more armpit detoxification waxing patches when my anus started to itch. Forgetting that I now had these rhinestone-encrusted Sheer Blush BBQ tongs on my fingers -- God already had His done in a two-tone fuchsia and sparkle orange that would have looked better on me, but whatever -- I tried to scratch the itch and the nail, as if suddenly sentient and acting on its own, went all the way up. When I pulled my finger back out the implant simply fell onto the negative ion generating solar-heated lumbar massaging hernia cushion I keep on my fuel cell scooter seat. It emitted a single high-pitched sound, resonant with the frequency I myself produced, then immediately FLEW UP THROUGH THE AIR and attached itself to one of the therapeutic magnets placed in my nostrils for my chronic snoring.
It then took several hours of intensive nose candling to finally budge it from there. Once out, I observed that it was about as long as a grain of organic brown rice but browner, resembling a later photo of the Maharishi Yogi. It had a indescribable rubbery coating that, when bitten, felt like it had electrical wires inside -- like it feels when you are possessed by your totem animal spirit and you chew on a lamp cord.
Strangely enough I stuck it back up my ass. I say strangely because it made no sense afterwards that I would do such a thing, unless God told me to, and He wasn't even texting me back at this point. I went to tell Mrs. Mormon Santa about what had happened and when she pretended to be "out-of-body", I tried to retrieve it. I searched everywhere but it was no longer there!
Still, I don't believe the aliens intend us any harm. They merely wish to study us and learn from the advantages we alone enjoy due to our unregulated market economies, and to monopolize our natural supply of fresh lamprey meat. All we must do is make them all vegans and tactfully instruct them on some basic hygiene. That's my working theory, anyway.
Benjamin Franklin wanted the ferret to be the national animal but was outvoted when John Adams and Thomas Jefferson discovered he was a founding father with a vagina. Over an estimated 150 million hot dogs will be consumed today. That's roughly 1 incidence of projectile diarrhea for every two people in the U.S. Although fireworks originated in China some 2000 years ago, studies show that Americans are still only clever enough to master Mentos bombs on their own. Oddly, the majority of the nation's flags and patriotic paraphernalia in relation to the 4th of July is produced in China. Nearly $349 billion dollars are used each year to import the flags, flag pins, banners, decorations, and Olympic regulation water torture beer hats.
The first 4th of July party was held in Dolly Madison in 1801.
The words "Under God" were not added to the Pledge of Allegiance until the ACLU lost a sucker bet. More than 74 million Americans will BBQ today. 70 million will do it wearing an apron that says "Milk, Milk, Lemonade. Around the Corner, Brauts are Made!" The national anthem is actually set to the tune of an old English drinking song called "O Say Did You Pee on the King's German Wife?"
The stars on the original American flag were arranged in a circle to ensure that gun owners could always use it for target practice.
Hope everyone has a fabulous day! Remember that fireworks are a fire hazard and scare animals and homeowners, so be careful! Also, please don't drink and multiply!
OK, so, FOX feels it's the right time again for a "summer mermaid picture". And this is my pitch. Imagine hundreds, no -- BILLIONS of mermaids fighting World War V-THOUSAND, riding these super-futuristic weaponized personal mobility scooters and so Mormon Santa decides the time has come for Him to SPAM the entire planet with a single, simple message of hope: "NO MORE HAIR!" He appears in the sky above what was Washington DC, His hands outstretched AND --my, my... is that some enormous until-now-undiscovered sea serpent that's just washed up???-- HE'S COMPLETELYSPHINX WAXED! The warring mermaids are so shocked and awed by his "Manifestation" that they immediately sacrifice their long gorgeous locks as an offering --oops, titties!-- using these glowing conch shell hair-clipper-communicator-MP3-players (licensing!). WHY? Because they FINALLY understand that HAIR has always been the problem! Bald as pearls --but still somehow uber slutty-sexy-- they all flippy-flop back into the Potomac to a mediocre cover of, oh, maybe that Sinead O'Conner song, as President Moussaoui and the peoples of all nations look on with newfound empathy and nervous arousal. I'm not wedded to any one song; it simply needs to be appropriate to the scene --AND MEDIOCRE! In a single evening, the global supply of razors, disposable razors, disposable razors with lubricating strips, shaving creams, gels, foams and fruit-flavored body washes-- all VAPORIZE in a 3-D orgy of depilation and various laser treatments! Four, five and SIX-blade cartridge razor fights break out! Those merely wearing flesh-colored latex skullcaps are EVISCERATED upon detection! Even a remake and BROADWAY SHOW of the otherwise forgettable film "Powder" is rushed into production, starring a CGI "youngified" Sir Ben Kinsley as Mahatma Gandhi as Natalie Portman, who marries Mormon Santa and stays COMPLETELY NUDE and sphinx waxed for the entire film --and even in the film within the film! Only then is complete world peace achieved! --but only TEMPORARILY, as the few remaining souls left are merely too itchy to fight, but, UH-OH, beginning to display definite signs of their mutation into cannibalistic-but-tragically-misunderstood zombie mermen COWBOYS! Um, do we smell "SEQUELS" and shitty Sci-Fi Channel miniseries starring Lou Diamond Phillips potential, or WHAT?
I am convinced they are scanning my brain
Category: News and Politics
I am convinced they are scanning my brain.
For reasons I've stated elsewhere, I am in hiding currently. So as not to draw undue attention to myself, I am dressing as an Amish man and only watching television in the wee small hours of the morning. Last night, I stumbled upon an infomercial for this grass seed that will grow anywhere, even on a concrete cinderblock. This is EXACTLY like an idea I had -- kept only in my head -- very recently. Although I'd envisioned it as a quick, cost-effective hair replacement system called 'The Mow-Hawk', the similarities are beyond coincidence. As a person who has long-suffered with unsightly patchy pubic hair, my sole wish was to bring renewed hope into the world for others like me. Now, all those billion$$$, plus the additional shipping and handling charges, are going to some shammy-squeezing Aussie pitch man.
My brain-voice has also revealed to me details about the assassin Barack Obama's political opponents keep hinting at, including a physical description, which I've sketched below...
He is a bland, Amish-looking man who smells of grass harboring a psychotic obsession for actress/granny panty model Jennifer Love Hewitt. Given my present circumstances, I simply cannot risk contacting the authorities with this information. All I can do is blend into the crowds at Obama events and pray that I can spot and take out this nutjob with my scythe.
The D.C. Madam "commits suicide". Tim Russert drops dead of a "heart attack". M. Night Shyamalan releases his first "R-rated" motion picture.
I have seen this pattern before, my friends.
Obviously Mormon Santa needs to lay low for a while. Right now I am safe. I may or may not be on this planet, in an Applebee's restroom, or not, subsisting entirely on dry Quaker Oats and bowl water green tea with a defibrillator strapped to my chest, careful to squat and not sit. But I will need to get on the move again shortly, so communication may be brief and intermittent if not completely silent for extended periods. Of course, this could mean I'm dead too. If I'm found with anything but a Tanzanian albino pygmy goat, you'll know I've met with foul play.
I hope to make my way to the Flood Free Zone and hook-up with the Heirloom Tomato Grower's Underground, someplace where all the shellfish has remained frozen since before the manufacture of any radioactive isotopes. Maybe Montana -- NOT!
Why oh why did I have to re-up with fricking AT&T Wireless for another two years? God I hope the new iPhone is worth the risk. Shhhhhh! Someone just entered the stall next to me. Did you hear that? I think this line may be tapped. No. OMG! There is an immaculate, punched cap Oxford edging slowly toward me!
Mormon Santa is looking for savvy, seasoned "professional" to sit at his right-hand (left-handedness a plus)
- Successful candidates must be comfortable with the human form, in all its deformations, as well as handling the usual day-to-day spontaneous issues that may arise.
- Regular duties include working with sensitive files, conducting secure communiques, gift wrapping and performing thrice-daily enemas. Signed, binding non-disclosure agreement covering any contents required.
- Full maintenance and service knowledge of the HoverThrone 9000 Series personal mobility scooter and its GoldenFlush black water system required.
- Must be able to keep a lid on the fat man cracks, however veiled (e.g.: "Your penis might look larger if you cut back on the anabolic nog lattes", etc.).
- Can uphold Vice Presidential duties of a large, constitutionally-restricted representative democracy without supervision.
- Excellent command of computer copy, paste, and DoD delete skills.
- Grounds for immediate dismissal include inadequate delousing, direct hits to the eye with a ping pong ball and any inexplicably merry elves.
Apply by submitting resume, qualifications and references (lewd or otherwise) below...
Mormon Santa is checking out all the naughty and nice blogs!
Category: MySpace
Mormon Santa is checking out all the naughty and nice blogs!
Do you have a blog that you would like Mormon Santa to read and comment on? Well, he's taking some special time today to do just that!
Actually, he has read and commented on many of your blogs already. But if you want to make certain he doesn't miss yours, pray, let him know!
Have you seen the movie "Pay it Forward (2000)"? Man, THAT sucked, huh? Being one who has at least some influence over this cruel and fickle universe (on the cruel part, mostly -- not to brag), Mormon Santa is going to try to make up for it.
Pimp thyself and I shall pimp thee tenfold! Nay,ELEVENFOLD!
Mormon Santa was the featured guest on a BlogTalkRadio programme 5/23/2008
Category: News and Politics
Hey fans,
I was the featured guest on the The Scufflin' Hillbillys BlogTalkRadio programme on 5/23/2008.
"The Scufflin' Hillbillys is a loosey goosey round table discussion of the news and events that effect Christian teens. SIKE! Life of Brian and Savior Self, two of MySpace's hipest iconoclasts are gonna stomp a mud hole in your ass and talk it dry! Religion, Race, Comedy, Music, Celebs, Sex, Scandals, even politics."
Show Date/Time: Friday, 5/23/2008, Midnight Eastern/9:00 PM Pacific.
Call-in Number: (646) 478-3286
So tune and/or call in! Mormon Santa will be prepared to discuss any of the aforementioned topics as well as any questions you post below prior to airtime.
If Hillary Clinton can connect with red state rednecks, so can I, right?
In the interest of full disclosure, I thought I should get this out on the Net before the "story" breaks elsewhere and is treated in a predictably biased manner. Can someone please tell me what is supposed to be wrong with a male deity liking scented candles? ~M.S.
MORMON SANTA'S DOWNTIME REQUIREMENTS
All items below are requirements for Mormon Santa's Downtime Suite during his stay at your Marriott Residence Inn location. NO EXCEPTIONS.
One freshly-cut Xmas tree, ceiling height, fully decorated in the traditional manner. MUST NOT be fire-retardant.
A bowl full of jellybeans (NOT Brach's, NOT Jelly Belly, THE GOOD STUFF!),refreshed hourly via dumbwaiter or blinded *LEGAL* non-English-speaking housekeeper.
A bathroom in room with two-way mirror that is discreetly accessible behind framed portrait via 'eye holes'. Mormon Santa often travels with elves and they require constant supervision.
One of those Costco 1000 count cases of latex surgical-type gloves and a generous bottle of waterless lubricant on ice.
200-300 sq. ft. opaque plastic sheeting or tarpaulin (no less than 2 ml. thickness). PLUS several yards of cord or rope if none is included as part of window treatments.
Chair and desk with stainless steel writing surface. Large letter opener included in pencil holder on desk. Chair should be substantial enough to support the weight of two to three big-boned adults, and preferably throne-like.
Basic toiletries, trepanning equipment and 40-50 rolls ABSORBENT QUILTED bathroom tissue. Towels should be XMAS RED in color. Fresh mistletoe sprig in commode.
Well-chilled carafe in mini-fridge large enough for quart of nog (supplied separately).
Eight maids a-milking.
SCENTED candles like they were going out of style!
Cable TV tuned to FOX News with in-room cameras set to 'last channel' button on the remote.
Roasted partridge in a pear sauce.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Gifts MUST be left in the room, wrapped with blank gift cards, a receipt and Polaroid photo of contents. No pasta machines!
Problem is, Mormon Santa doesn't know what to name his band! Please help him by posting your Mormon Santa band name ideas below...
The following band names are already under consideration:
The Santanistas Death Sleigh for Rudy Immodest Mormon Yulecide Noggoblins Santastank
Get it? Go for it! If your band name is selected, there would be the obligatory t-shirt for the winner, and something all the other losers could buy for $25.
