A Poem for you to ponder
Current mood: blessed
Category: Writing and Poetry
I read this poem last year while sitting in Tim Horton's waiting for the husband to come and get me. I was reading an amazing book called "Reading Lolita in Tehran" and this poem was in it. And it stuck me in such a way that I wrote it down in my journal. And today, while putting stuff away, I came across the journal and was just flipping through it and come across this poem and a quote from "Hamlet" that I loved as well.
This poem says so much to me. And makes me think about so much. And yet, it calms me. Makes me think its ok sometimes to think about "What might have been" as long as we don't make that our whole lived and our whole existence. Memories are great as long as your whole present and future isn't based on said memories. And that is a hard lesson to learn. I know. Trust me. I am still learning it. But this is a great reminder and I am getting better and living in the here and now and not the "what might have been".
I hope that you read this and enjoy it. I hope that you learn something from it. And I hope you take away something special.
Namaste..
Poem by T.S. Eliot
Time present and time past Are both perhaps present in time future And time future contained in time past If all time is eternally present All time is unredeemable
What might have been is an abstraction Remaining a perpetual possibility Only in a wold of speculation What might have been and what has been Point to one end, which is always present
Footfalls echo in the memory Down the passage which we did not take Towards the door we never opened Into the rose garden. My words echo thus in your mind. But to what purpose? Disturbing the dust on a bowl of rose leaves I do not know.
Currently
listening
:
Nickel Creek
By
Nickel Creek
Release date: 2008-08-05
I know its just a movie but wouldn’t it be great to find the love of your life this way.......
Current mood: lonely
Category: Life
I was reading profiles here and came across the trailer to "The Lake House". I loved this movie. It made me cry. It made me think. And it made me wish even harder for that elusive love that haunts me, yet never finds me.
Here is the trailer. You will need to turn up the sound as it is very quiet. Then you need to run out and GET THIS MOVIE and watch it over and over. And tell me your heart doesn't yearn a little.
What happens when you find the love of your life and you can't have them? What happens when all seems lost? Oh how I wish sometimes my life was a movie and had a happy ending. But it is not. Its only what I make of it and by God, I WANT that happy ending. I know that things can't ever be perfect, who would want that? But happy? Oh yeah, I want that.
Power and "Unpretty"
Current mood: determined
Category: Life
Why is it we give the men in our lives (and NOT in our lives for that matter) power over us? Why do we give away the one thing that makes us undeniably us?
I was downloading music (yes, again) and remembered this song from the 90's. It speaks to how we give up our power and ultimetly become someone else.
Somewhere in the 10 years that I have been married, I have lost who I am, to the point that I am not even sure if I could find her again should I go looking for her, that girl that once was me. I have given up all power and control over my life and now everything revolves around whether or not HE will be happy or content or whatever. WHY did I and for that matter WHEN did I decide that was right??
I have no control here. And HE knows it. And enjoys it I believe. Why do you think that I have no immigration status?? If I have that, I could work, go out into the world (ok, just the city of Toronto, but that at times seems like the world to me) and make friends, make a life and quite possibly meet someone that would treat me like the treasure I once believed I was and I could be through with him. OR I would discover that being on my own isn't so bad after all and just be alone for awhile (which to be honest, sounds FANTASTIC right now. NO ONE to please but me. Awesome). Who knows what might happen. But it won't. Because HE knows he has me trapped here in this little world and that I can't go anywhere. I have no money, no friends, nothing.
I know, it seems like it should be easy to just go and make friends huh? And I guess to some people, it is. But its always been harder for me and I still have difficulty even with the friends I have. I tend to either chat WAY to much or not say anything at all (because I have come to believe I have nothing important to say). I, quite frankly, have become pathetic.
I realize that there are others out there that have it worse than I. I have a roof over my head and food on the table and he doesn't beat me.
But he does ignore me. And treats me with indifference. And as I once said to a friend who was struggling with the same issues with her spouse and was contemplating going back "WHY should we settle for that, just because its all we know?".
Why should I??
Because right now, its all I have. And that is so sad.
But I want you all to know, that my goal is to NOT ever settle again. I am trying to break free. I won't always be sad. I won't always be complaining again and again about my life here. I WILL one day be happy and unlonely and free of all that that traps me. I promise.
It may take me awhile, but I will break free.
And then, watch out!
(sorry about that. Love the song, think the video is weird. Classic Freddy and all, but jeesh! But I wanted the song in this. :) And the Coke C2 ads weren't long enough)
A hint at why I am so sad....
Current mood: lonely
Category: Music
I have found that when I can't write all that I am feeling, MUSIC tells my story. Better than I ever will. I was working tonight and the husband was playing this album in the living room and all I could do was sit at the computer and cry. Did he play it because this is how he feels? Does he know I feel this way as well? Does he know that things are really bad, or is he (like I think he is) in his own little world and oblivious to my pain and heartache?? Or did he just play it because he loves "Blue Rodeo"? I will never now. So here is the song (wish I could link you to the actual song..its amazing).
A piece of me.
House of Dreams Artist(Band):Blue Rodeo
Can't stand the sight of myself Lying in bed all day with the curtains drawn Staring at the clock on the window ledge The angry words you said come back so strong
Sometimes love quits Oh when the pieces don't fit And suddenly all your world Falls to the floor And all your wild days Oh fall away Can't see much point in them anymore
In this house of dreams I let you walk like a ghost unseen Girl on the day you left Out walked my everything
Must have thought you'd always be there I never even noticed when the changes came one day Seems one minute you were standing close I turned around again And girl you were far away
And every plan we made Oh I just let them fade And pile up on the floor Beside the bed Now you're gone away Oh but your memory stays I sit here thinking of the things I never said
In this house of dreams I let you walk like a ghost unseen Girl on the day you left Out walked my everything
Solo
Sometimes love quits Oh when the pieces don't fit And suddenly all your world Falls to the floor Now you're gone away Oh but your memory stays I hear your voice behind every single door
In this house of dreams I let you walk like a ghost unseen Girl on the day you left Out walked my everything
I found another Blue Rodeo song that fits my life exactly right now...LONG story (sorry sophie). Hopefully this will work and you can see the video...
Currently
listening
:
Five Days in July
By
Blue Rodeo
Release date: 27 September, 1994
I LOVE THIS SONG..thanks Sophie for the idea
Current mood: confused
Category: Music
I love this song. I cried in the car when I first heard it. Sophie gave me this idea and so I hope she doesn't mind that I am "borrowing" her idea. If you can find it, listen to it. Its a great tune. And yes, Sophie, it ties into the story that I have yet to tell. But maybe someday. I hear water is bad for your keyboard.
Somebody's Me Enrique Iglesias
You, do you remember me? Like I remember you? Do you spend your life Going back in your mind to that time? Because I, I walk the streets alone I hate being on my own And everyone can see that I refell And I'm going through hell Thinking about you were somebody else
[CHORUS] Somebody wants you Somebody needs you Somebody dreams about you every single night Somebody can't breath without you, it's lonely Somebody hopes someday you will see That Somebody's Me [2x]
How, How could we go wrong It was so good and now it's gone And I pray at night taht our paths will soon cross And what we had isn't lost Cause you're always right here in my thoughts
[Chorus] Somebody wants you Somebody needs you Somebody dreams about you every single night Somebody can't breath without you, it's lonely Somebody hopes someday you will see That Somebody's Me [2x]
You'll always be in my life Even if I'm not in your life Because you're in my memory You, will you remember me And before you set me free Oh listen please
[Chorus] Somebody wants you Somebody needs you Somebody dreams about you every single night Somebody can't breath without you, it's lonely Somebody hopes someday you will see That Somebody's Me [5x]
Currently
listening
:
Insomniac
By
Enrique Iglesias
Release date: 12 June, 2007
The Phenomenon that is Harry Potter (NO SPOILERS)
Current mood: ecstatic
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
Last night I showed that I may be older in years, but am still very much a kid at heart.
I spent 3 hours in a packed bookstore waiting in line to pick up what is the last book in a series that I have been in love with for years now.
With about 3000 other people.
The DJ that they had there said that it was the biggest Harry Potter party in Toronto.
I believe him.
Totally.
When we got there, we got an armband with a number on it (979…we never pre-ordered like we wanted) and told to go and find that number amongst all the fiction books. We did. It was WAY back in the back. SIGH.
BUT, they only let 1100 people in the upper part of the store. There were about 1000 people downstairs who HAD pre-ordered. The other THOUSAND people got armbands and had to wait outside, where the temperature had dropped considerably and it was COLD and windy. They were still outside when we left.
Over 3000 people at a bookstore at MIDNIGHT to get a book. Who would have thought it? Before Harry, when did you ever hear of that many people standing in line for ANYTHING???
They shut down the street the bookstore was on and for the kids turned it into Diagon Alley. They had performers, a HUGE slide, a Knight's Bus (where kids could get wands and all sorts of other stuff. We didn't get near anything really to see it because the lines were just as long for this stuff as it was for the books) and a chance to meet "Hedwig", Harry's beautiful owl.
The great thing about all this was how organized it was. There was a DJ who spun tunes all night and they had a big dance floor for people to get down on! They had awesome Harry Potter artwork that they raffled off and the money went to the Reading Foundation! There WAS a countdown that everyone yelled and screamed about when they announced how much time was left. That was awesome! So many excited about their favorite book! There was no rioting. There was no pushing and shoving to get to the books at midnight (there was MUCH screaming by those who got the books. One girl went screaming through the store holding it aloft. We cheered with her. Loudly!!) There were no angry words spoken (well, there was, but that was only by all of the arguing about whether Dumbledore's demise in Book 6 was really real or NOT). Everyone behaved like normal human beings.
And it was late.
And it was VERY hot in the store.
And there were 2000 people trying to share your space.
And it was a FREAKING great time.
I love being a HP geek.
Now I am off to read the book.
PS...I also spent 2 hours in line(We were smart and pre-ordered these!) on opening day of Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix to see it in IMAX 3-D!! It rocked!!!!
Smack, I got tagged! UPDATED!!!!!!!!
Current mood: cheerful
Category: Blogging
OK! I got tagged by Valerie (can't link her for some weird reason. Oh yeah, that would be that I DON'T KNOW HOW! lol) and so I am going to give this a shot. I have had so many weird things happen to me, that I don't know how many I can just make up as lies. We shall see how this progresses. I think we are to come up with 5. 1. I went to Brazil when I was 20 to live for 7 months as a nanny for a missionary couple. I took care of two 2 year olds. Went on my own only knowing the family I was going to work for. (This is TRUE!!!! It was an amazing experience and I would do it again in a heartbeat! I learned a foreign language, met some amazing people, ate some amazing food and made some of the best memories I will ever have!)
2. When I was in High School, I was in an advanced art class and we had to make our own version of what we wanted the new postage stamp to be and I made a painting of my swatch watch. It won the high prize in the class. I also did a perfect rendition of Prince that won a prize as well. (SNORT! This one is really about my SISTER!!! I have NO talent in this department at all. I can't even draw a good stick figure!!!! She has an amazing talent that I have always been jealous of! My mom has it as well as did my grandfather who was an architect without ever going to school for it. He just knew what to do and what to draw! AWE-inspiring!)
3. When I was in 10th grade, I beat out a senior soprano to go to District Chorus. I was the first 10th grader to do so. And once at Districts, out of 32 soprano's I chaired 16th. (This is TRUTH! I was the youngest in our school to ever do this. It was another amazing experience for me. I have never had any formal training and people were amazed at how well I did. Needless to say, the Senior I beat out was NOT happy. She got to go as a second soprano, but still. She wasn't a really nice person to begin with. I even chaired higher than she did. I also made it my junior year as well. Both were great learning experiences!)
4. I am deathly afraid of snakes!(This folks is a LIE! I LOVE LOVE LOVE snakes! I would own one but I have a WUSS for a husband! I took care of one when I lived in NY and loved it. Of course, when I came across an Anaconda when I was in Brazil, I don't think I thought about how much I liked snakes, all I could think of was "THAT is a big-ass snake and it was in the pool I was just swimming in!!!! But, for the most part, snakes don't bother me. I think they are cool!)
5. I can read 750 words per minute. When I was in private school, we had a machine that fed a paper with a story on it through it and we had to read it at different speeds and then we were tested on comprehension. If we did well on that then our speed was bumped up. When I left I was reading 850wpm with 95% comprehension!! I took off a hundred well, because it's been some time now and I have gotten lazy. I read Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire (748 pages approx.) in 2 hours. (This is also TRUE!! Well, except for the Harry Potter part. It was really 1 1/2 hours. They timed me! I still have about 80% comprehension as well. I LOVE to read and so have been able to keep it up. My teachers in Public school HATED me though because I would burn through books so fast. They just never knew what to do with me!)
So, no one wins!!! Though Aubrey was partially right! This was fun and I hope you had fun learning a little bit about me!!
Ok. One of these is a complete lie, one is about someone else and the rest are true!!!! I am tagging DEAN! and Aubrey because they are the only ones besides Valerie that actually read and comment on my blog! Have fun! Will post the answers on Wednesday!!!
Aren't I a little OLD for this????
Current mood: sick
Category: Life
I have mumps.
Seriously.
Double mumps at that.
Sigh.
We attended a Heath show friday and saturday and I was feeling really good if not scared from all the information that was shoved at me about what is really in our food and such (but that is a topic for another blog!) and was anticipating another great day on Sunday at the show.
Then I woke up Sunday morning.
My face was so swollen. From under my ears to my jaw line. I was freaked. I mean, even the husband noticed, so you know it was bad. And its not like I have a small un-round face to begin with. So this was bad. And as the day progressed it got worse. As did my mood. I looked like I had a football in my face sideways. ICK!
BUT, I had no fever. I was able to eat and drink. I wasn't nauseous. NONE of the signs of mumps. PLUS, I had had them when I was a child. AND I had been immunized with the MMR shot as well (I have never been a typical person in regards to getting illnesses after being immunized). SO, in no way did we think it was mumps.
Monday brought a LOT more swelling..down into my neck. And swallowing was becoming an issue. But I just sucked it up and ate soft food. And the husband called the Dr. and made an appointment for Tuesday and we just left it at that. My mom and best friend thought I was crazy NOT to go to the hospital, but as Valerie and Lisa and Dean can attest(since they all LIVE in Canada as well), that means a 6-8 hour wait. ICK. And I really didn't believe it was anything that severe.
Until I woke up on Tuesday. And couldn't breathe. Or swallow. GASP!
Aubrey has said that Erik (the husband) has just one speed! And its true. For anyone who has meet him, will attest to the fact that he moves pretty much at his own pace (which is slow) and is happy with that. We all make fun of him. Which is mean. But true. BUT, you all will be glad to know he really moved with lightning speed when I came out of the bedroom gasping for air and making gurgling noises. HE FREAKED OUT! And BAM! I had another Dr. appointment(I for one, had a great experience with the Canadian medical profession. Everyone was very concerned and helpful and went OUT OF THEIR WAY to accomodate me. I was so grateful) that I was rushed to and then from there another Dr.'s appointment (with a TOP ENT specialist) to find out that I wasn't going to die or stop breathing (at least from this). My larynx is clear. Its just feels like I can't swallow or breathe from the swelling and from other guckies that are there.
And from anxiety.
Well, duh!
But I have "an infection in the salivary glands" which is the proper term for MUMPS!
In both sides.
SIGH.
The ENT was really concerned and confused. He said that they just don't see this in adults at all. And even kids don't have it to the degree that I do.
Naturally.
So today, I am pumped full of antibiotics (Mumps is generally a viral infection that your body fights off on its own, but he is concerned that it might have some bacterial properties to it, hence the antibiotics, which I abhor, but know are sometimes a necessary evil. I am on a wicked strong one. One of the two that I can take. He was thrown by that as well. My MANY allergies to the common antibiotics. One causes swelling and loss of breathing. ITHINK NOT!!!!), drinking gallons of lemon water, eating soft food when I am craving a steak and praying that the swelling goes down so when I venture out into public people don't stare (like they did last night at dinner).
The Doctor also suggested I go somewhere warm and humid. Hmmmm...warm I can get down with. Humid is another story. We will see!
All I know, is, that I am WAY too old for this. SIGH!
California Dreamin'
Current mood: ecstatic
Category: Travel and Places
I was born in California. Torrance, California to be exact. Southern California.
Beaches. Santa Monica Pier. Venice Beach.
I have pictures of me on Manhattan Beach, buried to my armpits in sand; my father beside me buried to his waist…the look of PURE joy on both of our faces. (I wonder where that joy for him went. Who knows, but that topic is a whole 'nother blog in itself!!)
I have pictures of me running around half naked…well, and totally naked for that matter, at the beach. And in our backyard. And in the house. My mother says I had issues with clothes and keeping them on. But the beach pictures are the best. And funniest to me. I wish I could load them here so you could see the pure joy I had at being at the beach.
My mother LOVED/LOVES California. She left the tiny town she grew up in and had never left before to move to Cali and marry my father. And fell in love with a whole different time and place! To hear her talk, it was like the "Land of milk and honey" to her. Even through the bad times. And I know there were bad times. But being there sustained her I think. Gave her freedom and gave her her wings. Gave her the strength she was going to need years later when she had to raise us on her own. I believe that all came from her life in Cali.
When I was 4, my parent's packed up a truck and moved us. Across the country. To OHIO. Sigh. I think I cried for weeks. I know my uncle (who lives in Redondo Beach) came to visit and I BEGGED him to take me back to Cali with him. He of course, refused. And I then refused to say good-bye to him when he left (which I got spanked for later). I was heartbroken.
I eventually adjusted. More important things happened that made me forget about how much I missed California. Coming home from school to find your father loading a U-haul and watching him drive away WITHOUT you and watching your mother dissolve in front of you will do that to you. Dealing with that and the eventual divorce really made California all but disappear from my mind.
We would look at pictures, but by this time, it seemed like such a far away place and one I would never ever get to again.
I did get to Cali again though. I had become part of a "pen-pal" exchange and had met a girl (Julie) through there that I corresponded with for three years. I then went to Cali to meet her. And it was AWESOME!
That was in 1989. In 1992, I went back to see her and be in her wedding. And that was the last time I was in California. My cousins live there. My Aunt and Uncle both lived and died there.Julie and I are still in touch and every once in awhile we go "wow, you should come here…blah blah blah" but once again, California seemed like a foreign country I would never get to return to. It might as well have been the moon!
THEN, my mom called me about a month and a half ago and asked what I was doing in March (she had gotten a wedding invitation from my cousin who's step-daughter is getting married. In California). I told her that I was going to be getting ready for Aubrey to visit (YAY YAY YAY!!!), but it sounded like we were going to go somewhere first!!! AND SHE SAID YES YES…WE ARE GOING TO CALIFORNIA!!!!
O M G!!!
So we leave March 14th. Will be out there 10 days.
And we have such plans.
We have to go to Sacramento to see the cousins and Julie and her kids (my mom has never gotten to meet her) and of course, go to the wedding (Though we have tried to think of ways to get out of the wedding so we could spend more time traveling around. But eventually we realised that wasn't really nice. Hehe)
But then we leave Sacramento and DRIVE DOWN THE COAST to LA.
The land of beaches, sun and dreams.
We are going to visit all the place we used to go to.
Santa Monica.
Manhattan Beach.
Venice Beach.
All the cheesy Hollywood stuff.
We are staying at a hotel at Hollywood and Vine (and I have NO idea if it is a safe area, but it looked nice online and its right around the corner from Grauman's Chinese Theatre. Which I have always wanted to see!).
I am so very excited. I get to go back to the place of my birth.
I get to make new memories.
With my MOM!!!
Who really, is the coolest mom ever!!!!
I can answer the tugs and pulls I get every time I see California on TV or in a movie or hear a story about it (it kills me when Will or Kristen writes about how cool it is to be in Cali!!! I get jealous of them, even in my happiness that they get to be RIGHT where they want and need to be).
And maybe this will help me put to rest some of the demons that continue to haunt me.
blessed
lonely
determined
confused
ecstatic
cheerful
Though Aubrey was partially right! This was fun and I hope you had fun learning a little bit about me!!
sick
amused
