Mid-Year Check Up
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Wow, time is really flying by now! We're halfway through the year so this month is the perfect time to review where you are. At the beginning of the year on my blogspot blog I challenged my readers to create their ideal 2008. 

Six months on, how are you going?

Ask yourself:

What have I achieved so far?
What have I not achieved that I said I would?
What challenges or obstacles am I now facing?
What options can I come up with?
Of these options, which one will I choose?
How will I ensure I will do what I say I am going to do?

If you haven't achieved what you set out to achieve, take the time to review how committed you are to the goal. Check your committment against a scale of 1 - 10, with 1 not being committed at all, and 10 being absoutely committed. Is the goal still relevant (because sometimes they change as we change)? What can you do differently over the next six months? What would 'drastic action' look like in order to achieve your goal?

I need to sit down and review my goals still, but as I am writing this I know there are a few more options and actions I need to undertake before I can tick the goals off my list.

For those of you who are right on course, give yourself a pat on the back for such awesome commitment, passion and motivation! I hope you have a big milestone reward in place for yourself?

Remember, it is mandatory to look after yourself as well as others around you. If you don't take care of you and show self-respect, then others won't either. You deserve the best life you can give yourself!

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This is not the time to be an Ostrich!

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Mother-Guilt No More
Category: Life

As women I'm certain we have all experienced guilt at some stage and at varying degrees of intensity. It seems to wash over us as if we have no control over when it appears. Especially if you're a working mother. I remember the first few times I dropped Ben off at nursery (daycare) and he screamed for me, clinging to my leg as I tried to leave. It was horrible and traumatic for the both of us. And in it came, like a tsunami, GUILT. I felt dreadful because it was my decision to put him in nursery, I thought I knew best for him. But boy did I feel guilty.

Since then I have learnt a couple of things about parenthood. And since studying to be a personal life coach I have learnt that we have a choice. In everything we do, we have made a choice. Sometimes running on auto-pilot we aren't even aware of doing it, but in every action we take we have chosen to perform that task.

It's the same for our thoughts. We choose what we think. And subsequently, feel. Now, you may dismiss this as a load of baloney, but it's true. You can choose to live without guilt, just as you have been choosing to live with it.

Ask yourself "Am I doing the best for me and my child/ren with the knowledge and resources I have right now?" and be honest. If there is something you are unhappy with, then change it. Do it differently. Take action toward living without energy-sapping, emotionally consuming guilt. It's your choice.

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Overwhelming & Conflicting Parenting Advice

This entry relates to the third statistic in my motherhood survey that 57% of mums found conflicting advice from parenting 'experts' confusing and irritating. We are in the 21st century (a reminder in case you were in some kind of sleep-deprived baby-fog for a minute there) and as a result we are inundated with information. Or perhaps you aren't necessarily inundated by information but an information junkie, like me.

There are so many parenting methods and it's easy to become confused, intimidated or even feel stupid if you are not following the 'right' (or latest) guru. The Gina Fords or Tracy Hoggs of the routine-world versus your own instincts and baby's individual needs? Our Health Visitors, our own mums, or even our friends – who do we listen to? Everyone, it seems, has an opinion on how best to raise your baby.

How do you choose which one to follow?

Well, here's how: follow your and your baby's individual needs. Yes, of course you can cherry pick through the advice and information out there, but don't get stressed out if your baby is not in bed and asleep by 7pm sharp. Adapt the information to suit you and your baby; there's no point doing it the other way around. It will only end in tears. And not just your baby's!

My top tip:

Before choosing a method or action, ask yourself this "Do I want to still be doing this in 6 months time (or even longer)?" For example, my friend rocked, patted, sung and soothed her baby to sleep and now as a toddler her daughter still can't go to sleep on her own. This means that, for my friend, she is in her daughter's bedroom for over an hour sometimes, trying to coax her to sleep. I left my son to go to sleep on his own from day one (with the exception of when he was unwell and the odd occasion) and now his bedtime routine takes us in total 30 minutes. I don't believe there is a right or wrong way, I only gave you that comparison to illustrate the consequences your decisions may have.

There are pros and cons to everything and if you need to, take some notes of what you like from the various experts, and line them up with your own ideals to get a feel for how it all might work.

At the end of the day, you are the one living with this new person, so make it work for you. I've said it before and will say it again – you need to be happy, otherwise it affects everyone around you, including your baby.

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Balancing It All

Occasionally life may give us whip lash but instead of taking it easy for a while, we women tend to just get out our neck brace and carry right on. Perfect, if you want to head for the more serious injuries a car crash will bring. So why do we keep driving at breakneck speed, along this never ending road with it's hairpin bends and distractions?

Because we are still living under the illusion we can do it all. Isn't that what the feminists fought for? Isn't that what we are still being told by the media today? That we can have unlimited freedom and choice? We can have our own lives, goals, family, whilst running the house and climbing the career ladder?

Here's the not-so-secret answer revealed - say NO more. It really is that simple. And I know you will have heard it before. So why are you still juggling all the balls in the air, feeling the stress and pressure that if you drop just one, the rest will come crashing down?

Here in the Northern Hemisphere we are officially in Spring and we all know what that means. Spring Cleaning. Instead of spring cleaning the house, however, I'm going to tell you about a secret strategy I have learned that doesn't involve picking up a cloth. My strategy involves a pen, some paper and a focused mind.

I want you to think about all of your roles you are currently undertaking at the moment. Some of mine are wife, mother, writer, student, volunteer, etc. Keep adding until you have a very full list. Include roles like sister, daughter, aunt etc because these are all demands on our time and attention.

Then going through each role one by one ask yourself the following list of questions:

What aspects of this role could I let go?
What do I want to do MORE of in this role? (Make a list)
What do I want to do LESS of in this role? (Make a list)
What are the three things I am doing regularly that don't serve me?
For my life to be perfect, what would have to change?

For example, if one of your roles is that of a housewife, think about what you can do to delegate and distribute the time-consuming tasks. Is there anyone else in the house that can take on more responsibility? Or do you really need to have a perfect Bree Hodge (neeVan de Kamp) showhome? If your finances allow, why not hire a cleaner?

I can testify, as can my clients, that this really works. Recently, I was beginning to recognise the feelings of overwhelm, overly stretched and added stress, so I took some time to assess my roles and what I could say NO to. And although it saddens me, I am letting my voluntary work go for the moment. And once I had made that decision, I felt relieved. I can now focus on my core values, principals and passions.

Feel free to contact me with your success stories or any comments you want to share.

12:57 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Broken Nails

Well, in an effort to make our emigration plan (to NZ) seem more 'real' I had the real estate agents looking through our little house to evaluate it.  But you know it just wasn't that simple.  Oh no, I had to have it showhome-perfect first. 

Last weekend was hectic - like I haven't experienced for a while.  I had the monthly grocery shop to do on Saturday morning which took 2 hours, then 30 minutes unpacking it all of course.  Then we had to travel an hour to go to a children's birthday party, play some games, eat lots of crap, watch Ben ricochet of the walls as a result and then travel an hour back home again.  And that evening we had friends coming around for dinner, so I fell into bed when they left at 2am, exhausted.

The estate agents were coming around at 5pm on Monday so I spent all of Sunday (hungover too I might add), de-cluttering the place.  Now, it wasn't messy as such, or so I didn't think, it's just things like Ben's toy box was over flowing, my study books and paperwork had never really had a home so were piled up on the nearest, available space, dvd's were stacking up next to the tv instead of being put away...but added up together, including the bathroom bursting at the seams with all my toiletries and out of date sunscreen, it was an all day job. 

So Monday was cleaning day.  I gave the place the biggest, deepest spring clean it has had in a long while...possibly since last Spring.  I mean, the place is seriously gleaming!  It looks like it used to before I started studying, writing and coaching.  I cleaned from the moment I got up 6am until 4.55pm (5 minutes before the agent was due) with 30 minute break for lunch and a couple of quick phone calls.  Ben was following me around for most of it with a duster and furniture polish having a great time!  Well, I had to make it fun for him didn't I?  I had my old Ministry of Sound CD playing loud dance music (he prefers that over his Wheels on the Bus CD)...I even taught him the butt dance that Cameron Diaz does in her underwear in Charlie's Angels,  oh, it was hilarious!

Anyway, one real estate agent came at 5pm on Monday and another at 11am Tuesday and they both valued it around the same, give or take £5,000.  Given the market at the moment, which has seriously slumped here (which I think is a global issue thanks to the USA), it's not as much as we hoped for, but we still should come out with a reasonable profit which is great. 

But I tell you one thing, even though I wore gloves for the cleaning (which I don't usually but my nails were looking really good for a change so I wanted to protect them) they have all broken and chipped.    Does this happen to everyone?  Or are mine just soft and pathetic?  Is it something I have to build up slowly for, like training for a marathon?  Any advice let me know.

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Goals And Their Obstacles When You Are A Wife And Mother

I have (finally) begun to take my own advice and am starting to believe that I can fulfill one of my ambitions to become a published writer.  I've been using Blogspot and MySpace as a platform from which to get in some 'practise', and maybe even collect a reader or two along the way if I am lucky!  They say you should write every day for a set amount of time, I think it's something like 3 hours.  Which I just don't get the opportunity to do, given that I am studying, volunteering (more about that later), and am being kept occupied with my responsibilities as a mother and wife.  So, although I am doing my best to improve my writing skills and write the book I have always dreamed about, it's difficult.  And sometimes frustrating, too.  When I am 'flowing' it would be an absolute luxury for me to have my own space and no interruptions.  Not entirely possible.  But my strategy to cope with my creative urges is to at least get a few ideas written down, for expansion at a more convenient time. 

Anyway, so when I had the email from my cousin Craig Arthur(also a writer) to attend Raymond Benson's signing in London last night, I was very excited at the opportunity to meet him.  Until, almost at the same moment, I realised I wouldn't be able to go.  And then exitement turned into frustration.  There are too many reasons for me to list on not being able to make the 3 hour round trip to the book signing, but they all to do with the responsibilities that come from being a mother and a wife. 

Now, I'm not complaining about these roles in my life, I love my husband and son dearly, but occasionally when I get presented a rare opportunity like meeting Raymond Benson, it would be nice to only have myself to think about. 

And that is mostly why I decided to become a women and mother's coach.  To help them get over all those frustrating 'speed bumps' our roles present us with, and on to the main road to their goal.

Although I missed this opportunity, I have to keep believing in my own abilities, keep writing and only then will more opportunities come my way.

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London Marathon

Well, my husband did it!  He ran and completed the London Marathon – no small feat at 26.2 miles.  His time was 4hrs and 47mins which is perfectly respectable for a first-timer and yet he is disappointed and thinking he should have/could have pushed himself more.  I couldn't be any prouder of him!

My son and I went along to support him.  We started out in Greenwich and saw him at about the 7 mile mark.  And then began the spectator scrum on the trains and tube.  I had a pushchair, my toddler and all of his paraphernalia with me and I will tell you now, getting around London for a parent is a NIGHTMARE.  TFL and Ken Livingstone (Mayor) should be ashamed of themselves.  Only one station in my journey around London had a lift.  My little boy fell asleep in the buggy at one stage which meant I had to get someone to help me carry him (in the buggy) up and down all the stairs.  My back is still killing me today.  Appalling.  What they are going to do in preparation for the Olympics in 2012, I don't know.  The whole system needs a complete overhaul but with over 1million users relying on it everyday it seems impossible to even just upgrade it in just 4 years.

Anyway, moan over.  That aside it was a brilliant day out and I saw my husband at the 15 and 20 mile marks which gave him a boost of encouragement and support to continue on.  In just 6 months he went from a 'long run' of 5 miles to running 26 miles, by adding 10 minutes onto his 'long run' every week!  It just goes to show you that although a goal might initially seem difficult, when you break it down into small chunks you can achieve it.

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Update

I have decided to use this blog as a place to vent my feelings/personal opinions on anything affecting motherhood, rather than coaching.  I need an outlet. 

However, if you wish to keep updated on my professional movements in women’s issues/child rearing/parenthood/mum-dom, please refer to my (relatively) new blog.  It will be more tools, techniques and tactic focussed.  I will be dealing with goals, ambitions and achieving results over there.

I hope to see you over there!

Kirstie

12:43 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

The Goodbye.

I drove us all to Heathrow on the 18th March which was another cold, grey Tuesday here in England, my stomach flipping with nerves.  I suggested I do the driving because I needed something to distract me from being upset but it wasn’t working very well.  We found a park quickly which was fortunate because the journey had taken a long time and I was now running a little late for check-in.  We had left the house at 6.45am, hoping to spend some time at Heathrow having a leisurely breakfast together after checking me in.  But just after I had gone through the usual questions "Did you pack your bag?  Has anyone else put anything in your bag?" (How the hell would I know?), the check-in woman (does anyone know her official job title?) told me I had to go straight through security.  I gulped and looked at my husband in dismay.  I wasn’t quite ready yet, I wanted to say to her, ’could they just hold the plane for another 30 minutes?’  But of course I didn’t.

The three of us walked to the queue for security and I began to cry.  I buried my face into my husband’s shoulder and my son looked at me in concern.  I pulled myself together enough to reassure him that Mummy was ok, just sad because she was going to miss him and Daddy.  He’s only 2.5 years old, but given the preparation I have undertaken the previous month, I think he understood to a certain degree.  We hugged each other tight (group hug style) and I whispered that I didn’t want to go but neither of them heard me.  Which was fortunate because it was really just to myself anyway and would have only upset them further.  We broke apart and I joined the queue which was moving quickly.  I couldn’t take my eyes off them, in case when I turned back they would be gone.  So walking and feeling my way along the zig-zag cordons I blinked through my tears and blew kisses.  I must have looked pretty pathetic but my heart was breaking.  The security guy took my passport and boarding card and I tore my eyes away to see where I needed to go next.  Seeing the entrance to where you get your hand luggage x-rayed and walk through the metal detecting arch thingey, I turned back.  I mouthed ’I love you’ to my precious boys and then disappeared from their lives for 11 days.

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