Too Fly To Be Depressed
Current mood: happy

So I've been sick for the past week.. like i've felt like I was dieing... But Im getting better finally! Im getting my voice back, and I'm barely coughing or blowing my nose. Woot Woot!

So last nite i got up wit Vinnie.. I havent seen him in a while. So I hung out with him for a bit. Kels picked me up around 10ish and on our way to meet up with sarah she hit BAMBI! And like KEPT going. All she kept saying was "I didn't swurve. I'm so proud, i didnt swurve." I was like Kels Pull the fuck over you might have not killed it, and your car mite be fucked up. And she did... and she couldnt open her drivers side door. So after we made a statement. We met up with sarah, jay and bobby. We went to a party out at rutgers. it was alright, but you def had to be in the "click". But I still had a good time. We didn't get home till like 3am. a little after maybe. This morning I had to be at work at 12. and i was so not up for it. i was soo tired. Me and Tereasa did hawking today.. and we made mad money really quick. We were outta there by 3:30pm. After work I just chilled... and than went over to feed the horses. It was soooo cold! Now I'm just hanging out with Ashley.

So ive decided that i'm done worrying, im done stressing.. I'm gonna make it regardless. With no help, no hand outs. And I'm gonna be happy for myself and no one else.

12:28 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Throw Some D’s On That Bitch
Current mood: sick

So my white tank finally kicked it...monday the tranie went. Me and my dad were driving over to the farm when i was like yeo, its really runnin like shit now, and he's like nah. You just don't know how to drive it. I was like okay w.e. So we drove into the field, dropped the hay off and I go to back up and when i went to put it in reverse it just sat there. I was like, " Dad it's not moving, It'll go forward but not backward." Dad: "Move outta the way, you don't know what you're doing." So Mr. Bigshot gets in the drivers seat.... oh shit, maybe you are right. So we drive it up to Will's shop and he is like yea Tara your Trann is gone. So I WASN'T fucking crazy. The rest of the day we looked at cars. BUT no one will give my dad a loan. So I'm pretty much fucked. And my mom told me it's not her problem that I don't have a car, so that bitch ain't gonna help me any.

I've been really sick, so i havent been doing shit. Tuesday I worked all day.. Me and Shomie just chilled steady all day.. We were trying to get Joel to catch on that weekday usher doesn't do shit, but he wasn't gettin it.. So me and Shomie just talked all day and chilled. my dad picked me up from work at 5pm. I went home, ate and got a shower. Around 9:30 Becka and Tom picked me up to go see Twlight. We met up with Jesse. The movie was AMAZING! I loved it.. so did becka. Jesse said it was what he expected, whatever the fuck that means. But it was a good fucking movie.

This morning I woke up at 4am, dieing. I couldnt breath or anything. I've felt like shit all day. I literally went to feed the horses, than came home and slept the rest of the day. And I STILL feel terrible. I worked on my scrapbook a little bit, but im just soo bored of sitting around. I WANT a car. I have someone coming to look at my truck on Friday, I hope they buy it.. That'll give me a down payment for a new car, or atleast a good amount towards one. So lets cross our fingers!

I'm ready for a change.. I've always liked the idea of one.. but I haven't made any recently... But now i'm ready to take the step. I need a NEW job, something worth while. I NEED a new car, something solid, and worth the gas I put in it. I WANT to get outta Jersey, but i'm gonna have to wait atleast 6 more months to accomplish all that. And ya know. I've been steady waiting on the same guy for months now.. and the more and more I think on it.. He's not what I want at all. I like the IDEA of him more than I like being with him. I like that he's calm and collected. He doesn't need to get drunk to have a good time. He WANTS to do better for himself, and goes to college everyday. But even though he's the guy your parents would want you to bring home, he's not the one for me. Like.. I need a guy that wants to work, but loves to go out and have a good time. I'd like to meet someone with their life together, but not in set order without any change. I need someone that will keep me on my toes always guessing, that'll I'll have fun with no matter what. Someone that loves to go out as much as I do, but someone that is willing to work for what they want. I may be picky, but I'm in no rush.. My life is not in shape for anyone to take a chance with me. Emotionally or Mentally, I'm not all here.. and I need something to change in my life before I let anyone else in.

1:58 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Hit Me With Your Best Shot....
Current mood: blank

....If Thats All You've Got, Keep On Walking Because I'm Still Standing.

Scenario 1:

            You can live each day as a dependent. Living off the hard work of others... Continually walking around with your hand out.. But having absolutley no intentions to help yourself. Using others to get through life. And for some absurd reason you believe the world owes you something. You make your luck, theres no chance... You're the reason for your sucess or faliure. And if you never try you'll never get anywhere. But shit, a free ride shows up and you're all for jumping on for a ride. But when you're this type of person people are drawn to help you... People WANT to help you because for some insane reason they believe you really don't have the ability to take care of yourself. Need $100, okay here you go. You need a car, heres a 09' eclipse. Theres no easy way to explain how people react. They're always willing to help the accepting..

Scenario 2:

           Each morning you wake up to go to work.. Long, hard shifts. Working just to survive. Looking to live life on your own and by your own good deeds. Steady gettin your money for yourself, and NEVER accepting help others try to give you. You know that money well EARNED is money well spent. You appreciate everything much more if you get it yourself. Everyday repeats the next, you work hard and maybe accomplish a little or a lot. But you get it yourself. You took a chance to be independent. You've got a car, a house, you pay your bills on time, and you can sucessfully say you've done it all yourself. Then one day your world crashes, you NEED the help from others.. But now no one wants to give it. You've always held your own... and you've always had them people "if you ever need anything let me know", well now I need you!  So what about that help? Nah, I'm sorry I Can't do that... but ya know the next person who's never worked a day in his life gets a new car, money handed to him each week... and a free place to stay.

_____________________________________________

"Go through life just not caring....", but than I really won't have anything. You need to care or else you wouldnt have anything.. No standards, no goals... you'd be a waste of fresh air just taking up space. I never want to have to depend on anyone. I don't need anyone to hold mine for me. I've come this far, and fuck you... even if I do need your help, really fuck you. I'll get it somehow.... and when I do I NEVER want to hear you say that you're the reason for my sucess.. Don't EVER take credit for anything I've done, because you've never been there... I'll get mine, and when I do I'll be proud that I didn't take from you.

10:51 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

To A Woman So Heartless
Current mood: calm

The timing is inevitble.. it has to be precise and carefully planned... Though, its impossible to plan at all.. Young anticipation of finding your one true love will cloud the actuality of how your life will play out. It is said that your first true love will never be your last... But is that because it was truely not meant to work? Or that you were just to young to appreciate all that was there. While growing up you constantly wait for the future... But whats going on right now is helping you get there. We all have a vision of how life should play out, but why? What has created this invisionment of love and the proper way your relationship should work? True Love. Butterflies. Smiles. Indescribable feelings. Uncontrolable thoughts. In reality its absolutely insane, but its the one feeling every person desires. The thought that someone will always care for you no matter what.. that one security that will always be there to fall back on... your one partner that will never  leave you... But todays society has twisted the vision of love... they have molded it to fit with the fast moving modern society.  The desire for love is now in more demand than ever... therefore its rushed.. and the divorce rate has sky rocketed! But I guess its not all bad... Marriage is no longer the idolized day.. Getting through each day is enough. For me atleast. Love is all around you. No matter where you are. You can only take what you make of a certain situation. You will only learn from what you observe. And You will only KNOW from what you feel. I strive for something solid in my life.. but theres no gaurentee that anything is forever. I wake up day by day for myself, and no one else... I breath each breathe to keep myself living and not anyone else... I would love to find someone to wake up next to each morning, and have the feeling of security that the moment will never end.. But when I officially fall back to reality I realize that I have to savor each moment, because it'll never play again. I'll have to hold each memory close.. Because It'll never repeat. But I'm okay with that, and at the end of the day I'm satisfied with what i've accomplished and I hold no regrets.

5:05 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Suck It Up...
Current mood: angry

.... Bitch, It Won't Get Any Easier.

I'm entirely overwhlemed with life... I've got a piece of shit truck, I have no money to afford anything, apparently I'm some bad influence that will ruin anyone, according to everyone else the way i'm living isn't the right way at all... but like what the fuck? I can only do so much myself... I'm NOT 18. I still need that signiture to buy myself a new car, I NEVER asked you to throw up some money... I'll fucking pay for it. I can hold my own. And shit, am i not fucking good enough? Like why wouldnt you want your kid to turn out like me? I work hard for everything i have. Since I was fucking 13 I've been helping take care of the family, cooking, cleaning, gettin people up for work and school.. Like shit, I think I'm a fine example. I'm the perfect rolemodle. I'm not some drug addict popping pills or shooting up. A couple beers here and there and a joint or two isn't gonna kill anyone.  And who are you to say i'm a bad example? What the fuck were you doing when i was growing up.. Shit Im done and grown now... theres no goin back now. I'm only gonna keep gettin older. And guess what I'm makin my own.. I thought I was doing it all good.. but appartently I can't live to your standards.. but ya know I've got a highschool drop out and than another parent who had to go to 5 years of highschool. I'm finishing my shit on time, and I'm still holding my own with working!

Fuck you if im not good enough, sorry im such a dissapointment. And Ya know, if I didnt need your fucking help I would never ask.. but fuck you.

3:51 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Always
Current mood: confused

Today! So... Felix ran away last nite again.. lol, he decided to stroll around Newfield. We got a call this morning that the Newfield post office had him... So I go up there, and it's Jill's mom. LoL.. I was like, "don't I know you?" So after I picked up that senial dog, I went to feed the horses and than to walmart.. So I get to walmart and go to shut my driver's side door... and it won't shut. Some kind of cable or some shit broke and now my door is broke.. I'm SOOO sick of that fucking truck. I had to drive all the way from walmart in williamstown to vineland with my door open. I bungied it, but it was soo rigged it was riduclous. I was late to work cause i had to have my dad to get my door to atleast close... but if i try to open it, I won't be able to close it again... so now i look like a douchebag gettin in and out of my truck in the passenger side. Like tonight when me and Joel went out, we're walkin outta AppleBees and he is like "shit I though you were lettin me drive and than i remembered your door is broke. " Like.. yep, this piece of shit is just breaking down. Anyways.... After my morning fiasco i had work... work was slow but i didnt mind.. Me and Shomie just talked all day and I drew in my sketch book. I got out of there by 5:30... came home and around 7:30 Joel called me... First we went to Wawa, and Joel's attempt to make me my coffee resulted in cold milk... he tried he really did, but he's not that smart. lol. jk. Nah, he gave me like all creamer tho. Afterwards we went to applebees... and than after applebees we went to see 007'. That movie sucked we watched the first 30mins and than left. I dropped him off at his house, and now i'm home.

~You never know what you have until you lose it... but if you lose it once maybe you weren't meant to have it in the first place.~

4:20 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Ha.. Once You Figure It Out, You Lose Again
Current mood: chipper

Friday: Work.... than fed the horses. Saw Jamie and Nick showed up. I missed her soo much! I had a lot of fun hanging out with them guys. We were gettin on nick sooo bad, but he's a cool kid so its okay. Around 10:30 I met up with Jesse. We hung out for  the rest of  the night. We watched tv and chilled.

Saturday: I had work at Sicilas. It was alright... slow, but it was okay. Eric FINALLY made it up from Flordia. He brought his friends Sargent, Monica, and her son Anthony. Sat was soo much fun! It was Chris's birthday so we all got drunk. And by the end of the night we were all dancin in the kitchen. LoL.. that shit was soooo funny! I was way too drunk to drive home so I stayed there.

Sunday: Me n Eric went to feed the horses in the morning, and afterwards we went outto breakfast. I had a really nice time. I had work at 12, so after breakfast i just dropped him off and got ready for work. Me n Becka worked together doing hawking, but it was SOOO fucking slow. We were there for 4 hours and than were out. So we went to AppleBees for lunch... it was REALLY good.  After our outting I went back over Donnas to hang out with everyone. I was plannin on coming home, but that didnt happen.. We started playing pong, and dancing... and it all went downhill from there. I sat on the couch and next thing I knew it was 4am. So I was like fuck it, theres no point now.

Monday: I took Sarg and Eric to go see the horses in the morning. They loved the goat and the horses.. they kept takin pictures. We got back to donna's around 10:30 I chilled for a while, but than I had to go to school and get measured for my cap n gown. I had class too... School was okay, i really wanted to work today. I got a lot finished. After school I went to go see Eric and Sarg before they went back home.. they were supposed to leave early.. but they didnt. So we went to Sicilas to get food and than just chilled at Donnas for a little bit. I left around 10ish cause i have work tomarrow morning. N I have some errands I have to do before work.. Im gonna need to get up at 7am. I have to run to walmart and get cat food and some other things... feed the horses, and than be at work by 11.

_______________________________________________

I had soo much fun this weekend. But it left me entirely confused... to the point that it cleared a lot up. Why make something work, that didnt work in the first place? To make a change, I don't need to go for the complete opposite, I just need to find someone that wants a change too. I'm not no good girl.. but I'm not some badass.. Im ready for someone.. but not just anyone. Thats one thing this weekend made me realize. I've been chasing someone thats not real. Entirely different lives, difference settings and ideas. Just because I want a change of enviroment doesnt mean I need to try and click with a different crowd.  I LOVE to talk and hold a conversation....but I can only sit home for soo much before I get restless. I love to go out drinking and partying...but i know when enough is enough. If you can't do the country thing... It'll never work cause my horses aren't going anywhere... If you think me drinking a beer is the worst thing in the world, I'm sorry your life was sheltered.. but thats like fucking apple juice,  i shoulda been fed that in bottles. For the average Jersey girl I might have been raised different, and I've had some hardships. But I definitly could have had it worst, and I know people that have. I've been told that I'm selfish, because I believe I shouldnt wait for anyone to catch up... But if we're not going the same speed someone will eventually get stopped at a red light while the other flies through green.  i'll say that i know what I want, but I only think I do... I have a vision of what i should have, and than i look at what I do... I'm satisified with most, but  I can't say i entirely accept it. For right now I won't wait for anyone, I'll see what comes across my way. From what I see, I have a tendency to run in to a few potentials... but I'll have to be on their page too for anything to work.

2:29 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

For The World That Wouldnt Let Her Be
Current mood: excited

Soooo! this week has been like amazing! my life is coming together, and im soo excited!

Monday: FIRST day of night school. School is soo easy, and im in a class with Joel, Dana, Dan, larissa, and than some other kid. But its soo easy. After school I dropped Dan off, and me n Joel went up to The AppleBees, we ate and than went over to the mall.. After the mall we watched "role models", that movie is SOOO funny. I love it! After the movie I just brought Joel home. And I went home and slept. I was fucking beat. But I had fun hangin out with Joel, I havent seen him in a while.

Tuesday: I took Regal to the vet.... that was $94 in the hole.. but now she is ALL better. I drug that little shit around with me all day.. first to go feed the horses, than to my moms.. than to the vet, and than to Sicilas. I dropped her off before i went to work tho. Work was pretty busy for a tuesday nite... but still easy. But everything was such a mess from the morning people. But ohh well.. After work I just went home.... I was fuckin beat. I literally fell right asleep.

Wedensday: So I thought I was working at Sicilas this morning, but Larry didnt need me. So I picked Joel up and me n him went car shopping. But first i brought him over to the farm. He finally conquered his fear and petted a horse! He even came into the pen. lol. We were all over the place today,.... but i finally know exactly what kind of car I want, and what I can get for me truck. So Im game, I just need to find a buyer for my truck and I'll be alright. After me n Joel were all over the place today we went to school. After class I dropped him and Dan off.. and I went home to get ready to go to the movies with Jesse. We went to see Role Models... I love that movie so I didnt even care. Now I'm just chillin, I got home like 30 mins ago... I've had such a nice day.

-"most people say when one door closes, another opens... but not with us, it's a fucking revolving door that keeps going round and round.

           -"are you complaining"

-"Nah, not at all"  <333

3:45 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

-You Can’t Play Me Because I’m Always One Step Ahead
Current mood: content

The Weekend! Was mainly work.. I'm not gonna lie lol. Actually I worked Friday-Sunday.. and Saturday I worked at Sicilas and Regal.. So I got a good 12hr day.

Don't talk to quick.. make sure you mean what you say... Keep movin fast, or I might leave you behind. I take everything to heart, so make sure you mean what you're saying... I remember EVERYTHING... 2 months from now I'll still remember what we were doing and saying..... Don't EVER try to take me for granit. I won't allow it.. Take advantage of me? Not possible. I'm smarter than I look... and I'm not easily impressed. I can gaurentee that you won't ever meet another girl on their game like me.. I'm straight up, I work hard... and I make you work hard to get a chance. I'm just looking for fun, but i know when enough is enough. It's hard to believe that you don't know bout me. No matter what town I go to, I meet someone who knows me. You'll never know what I'm thinking... so don't jump to conclusions. Don't assume that you have a chance... because I WILL make you work for it. Promise. I've realized that my life is full of opertunities, and I'm planning on taking advantage of all of em. If you don't agree with how I'm living, thats cool.. But i don't ever remember asking for your approval. I've come to the conclusion that most don't, and I'm sorry if that bugs you.

** Just know that I'm one of a kind... I'm not conceided but I'm confident... I know what I want, and who I want. Though I have no idea where I'm going in my life, I'm ready to take the chance.. There's no way I'm heading backwards... I can only go up from here.... I might have grown up fast... But I can't backtrack now... So let me do me, and accept that I'm not like everyone else.**

4:51 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Fall Back
Current mood: amused

Sooo the weekend!

Friday: Trick-or-treating with Jess Urban, Dj, Dale, Robby, Richie, Danny, and Ryan I think his name was.. It was fun. I got a good amount of candy. After that me jess, dj, and dale went up to this party in sicklerville. It was pretty beat, and the food sucked. But jess had to make an appearance. We were there for maybe 20mins if that..and then we all went back to Dj's and smoked. Me and Jess went up to Regal afterwards and I met up with Josh,  T, and another kid. The five of us went and smoked 2 more dutches. Me and Jess got back to my house around 2:30am. It was an overall good nite.

Saturday: Dropped Jess off, and then hit up Dunkin Doughnuts. I bought doughnuts for everyone up at Sicilias. Work was slow.. it was just an overall chill day. I just pretty much talked with Kevin and Leo all day. Opie came up for a little bit and so I talked to him too. After work I hung out with Rob until i had to go pick Brandi up for the party at the mill. We went up to the party around 9:30pm. The beginning of the party was a lot of fun, but it ended in soo much drama. Moral of the night: DON'T DO DRUGS. But anyway.  That night proved who is grown and who isn't. I have no time for kid bullshit, I tried being the better person.. and ya know its all in the past now. I admitted to what I did wrong, but fuck it I'm not gonna waste my time on someone who won't waste time on me. I thought we were close friends... But I guess I thought it was more than what it was. That night ended with entirely too much bullshit.

Sunday: I brought Brandi home... and came home and went back to sleep. I had work at 4pm. Me Katti and Jen all were working at Tower Of Terror. It was pretty riduclous, but whatever we had fun. It was soo cold though. I think it was soo neat that at one time that was a real prison. We closed up our stand early because it was riduclously slow... and were home by 10pm. I was SOOO tired from my weekend that I just went home and went to sleep after I went back to Regal and clocked out. I talked with Pep, Victor, Nestor, Josh, Jamar, and Ty for a lil bit... but that was it.

Monday:   I woke up at 9am to go to Jene's farm. It was such a mess. I didnt realize how much help she really needed to take care of that farm. In 2 hours I only finished 2 fields... and usually I can clean the whole farm in an hour and a half. So I did the 2 fields.. but i had to run some errands before I had work at Regal. I picked Ash and Hann up on my way back home to get ready for work.. I was taking them to go see Highschool Musical.. Boy did that end in some bullshit. LoL... Me and Ash hung out with Josh, T, and Victor after I got off work... It was funny as shit. lol. And poor hannah got bitched at by her physco mom and her instagating boyfriend. Niggas Be CRAZY!

Tuesday: Ah Shit, So I had a dentist Appointment this morning. I hate the dentist.. Them bitches put me on my ass for the whole day. I had work at 5 and I had to call out because I still felt like shit. I slept literally all day. I woke up to a WHOLE bunch of drama within my wonderful family. LoL.. There is really never a dull day. Bitches are CRAZY MOTHERFUCKERS. I really don't think anyone could handle my family. LoL... We are entirely unpredictable, and uncontrolable. You have my mom and my aunt screaming at each other. Me Ash and Hann in the back room. Hann crying and laughing... me and ash laughing and Darren throwing his two sense in making everything worse. LoL... That was a crazy 2 hours... Oh and than you have the genious mastermind jumping out her bathroom window. lol... I love my family &hearts;

After that whole extravaganza i went to go feed my wonderful horses.. Rosie has a cold.. So i'm gonna go take care of her tomarrow before I have work at 1. After I fed I stopped by over at Rob and Richie's house. All we were doin was watching tv. So I chilled there for a bit and now I'm home..

~~~ Even with all my mistakes, all misconceptions, every flaw that can be percieved... I'm me, and no one will ever be able to change that. My life is crazy and unpredictable.. I have a family like no other... I take on more than most can handle. But I live my life my way and do what I think is right.~~~

2:32 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment