Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers.The first woman says "My husband works as a marriage counsellor.He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic.He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."
The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband is a sales man. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
7:02 PM - I Am Just A Normal Guy But All My Dreams Are Kinky
Image by nickso2 via FlickrHere is a weird funny song I wrote a while ago, and to this day cannot put it to music - that makes it a poem.
I Am Just A Normal Guy But All My Dreams Are Kinky
I'm just a normal guy, just as plain as one can be. My Mum & Dad were average folks, & that's how they raised me I don't understand it, it's to normal things I'm geared By day my life is sane, but at night my dreams are weird
I'm just a normal fella who goes off to work each day I do my job, lunch with my mates, each week collect my pay But in the night I dread the bed, each night is just the same Cause all my dreams are kinky, one overnight sick game.
I'm dressed in a G-string tied in a bow There's a chicken in a garter belt, Oh God no! Birds fly by and wolf whistle overhead Don't roll over there's a roo in the bed ...
15 Strippers all in a row All with bra-straps ready to blow One pretty lady dancin' in my lap Don't you touch or you'll get a nasty slap.
I'm just a normal guy, just as plain as one can be. My Mum & Dad were average folks, & that's how they raised me I think one day when I was small, Ma dropped me in the sink By day I'm just a normal sod, by all my dreams are kinked
I'd like to have a girlfriend, but it just never does work out We get on fine until they find what my night dreams are about Then they drop me like a stone, they say they can't compete With nude three-breasted women with vibrators on their feet
Hippos in tutus, hot oil & cream Chains and whips all to make me scream Lizards & snakes all in strange places They're gettin' it on & making lewd faces
When dreaming the nightclubs everywhere Are chock full of animals in underwear Teddy Bears in teddies, wombats in hot pants All we need now is a couple thousand ants
I'm just a normal guy, just as plain as one can be. My Mum & Dad were average folks, & that's how they raised me My life could be near perfect, my life could be real fun If only when I slept the chorus girls weren't dressed like nuns
I went to see a famous shrink, to straighten out my head I told him if I can't get fixed I might as well be dead He laid me down & said "tell me of your erotic dreams" I said "One feather is erotic, not whole chickens soaked in cream!"
There are female wrestlers all covered in jelly Exotic dancers doing things with their bellies A cute sexy lady, covered in mud Whispers in my ear with the voice of Elmer Fudd
There are strong males strippers with bricks in their jocks With all those square corners they couldn't be socks This stuff all around me is one kinky dream Whatever you imagine I'm sure to have a theme
I guess it is my lot to life, can't beat it so I'll join I suppose that they are only dreams they don't even cost a coin So if at night you happen to hear me in my sleep Just think, "that lucky bugger, is dancing naked tending sheep."
I'm just a normal guy, just as plain as one can be. My Mum & Dad were average folks, & that's how they raised me I don't under stand it, it's to normal things I'm geared By day my life is sane, but at night my dreams are weird
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.He says,"Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathedas promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer."I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar."I'll try..." said a small woman, "But you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle!"
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"“He said you're going to die," she replied. Link: http://ping.fm/jmywo
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.
"This is Chet," he said, "and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs." Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate.
"He needs warming up," he said. "Lend me your cigarette lighter." The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.
"That's fantastic," said the customer.
"And listen to this," said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing. Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.
"Wrap him up," said the customer, "I'll take him!"
When he got home he greeted his wife: "Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic."
He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife. "Now, watch and listen."
He raised Chet's left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night. The wife was delighted. As Chet's right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.
"Let me try it," said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire! Link: http://ping.fm/hWC8e
FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES If she is getting dressed; this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine."
GO AHEAD This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome... Source:http://ping.fm/1shCt
I ran into a stranger as he passed by, "Oh excuse me please" was my reply. He said, "Please excuse me too; I wasn't watching for you." We were very polite, this stranger and I. We went on our way and we said good-bye. But at home a different story is told, How we treat our loved ones, young and old. Later that day, cooking the evening meal, My son stood beside me very still. When I turned, I nearly knocked him down. "Move out of the way," I said with a frown. He walked away, his little heart broken. I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken. While I lay awake in bed, God's still small voice came to me and said, "While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use, but the family you love, you seem to abuse. Go and look on the kitchen floor, You'll find some flowers there by the door. Those are the flowers he brought for you. He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue. He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise, you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes." By this time, I felt very small, And now my tears began to fall. I quietly went and knelt by his bed; "Wake up, little one, wake up," I said. "Are these the flowers you picked for me?" He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree. I picked 'em because they're pretty like you. I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue." I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today; I shouldn't have yelled at you that way." He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay. I love you anyway." I said, "Son, I love you too, and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."
A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to Fido. A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, "Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just pissed all down the leg of your pants?" "Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit", replies the blind man. "Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker, "but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!" To which the blind fellow chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father took him into his study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, then we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks, the boy came back and again asked his father about using the car. Again, they went to the study, where his father said, "Son , I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"
Warning: May be inappropriate for anyone in earshot Dating is tough for a gal in the city Cuz brains aren't enough and most guys just ain't pretty. So let's get down to details both nitty and gritty, And you'll see that it needn't always seem so shitty.
Though most guys aren't cute, The numbers are ample And it's less overwhelming to start with a sample. So let's check out some options on becoming a twosome, (And if that doesn't work you can always just screw some.)
With a click and a drag of your mouse you'll find guys, Though some things are better off left to surprise.
As he sheds off his screenname of BigJew4You, You choke back the tears as you try not to spew. He's a bit of a freak, it is sad but it's true, But the real horror is that you know you're one too. So to see if your true personalities mesh, It's safer to meet face to face, in the flesh.
When you discover there're choices there's always speed-dating, Some guys are exciting, while some leave you hating. But it's all in good fun with the prospect of mating, It can be quite interesting. Translation: degrading.
Though there are many men on the streets of New York, He might not keep kosher, aka-he eats pork, But unless you are ready for a wedding and a stork, You'll be lucky to find one who knows how to fork.
Though it sometimes feels hopeless, that just isn't so, Remember that each trial helps you to grow, So until your Prince Charming rides in on that horse, Enjoy the adventure though it may seem off course.
Still it's true that dating is often quite scary, Some young guys are bald, while others are hairy. Neither of which you are dying to marry, 'Specially if he's 'friends' with a Tom, Dick or Larry.
So beware of speed dating and the internet site, And believe me dear ladies, I too take this plight, So until you should stumble upon Mr. Right, Happy Dating to all, and to all a good fright!
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.
I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shutdown for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend was totally "object-oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0.So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw, which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
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