the age old debate of whether god is male or female is at an end... the bible states that women get their period as a punishment for further tempting adam in the garden of eden to against god. women are cranky, bloated and generally irratable when it's that time of the month. oh yeah, and they bleed from their vagina for three to seven days. that's always awesome! if god was a woman, why would she do that to other women?
tupac and biggie playing dominoes
Current mood: busy
the sun is shining over the garden state while i sit and ponder past mistakes, the sun washes the dark away bringing in the new day, the water laps at my feet and i can't move from this seat, cemented like a statue of stone, i just don't feel like heading to back home, i feel like i should just start walking and never look back, i think a bit more and cut this place some slack, the water's calm surface is troubled underneath by turbulent tides, try to swim in some places and you'll wish you never tried, it reminds me of people around me, there's much more than what you see, something so true and so deep, i get up and start to head on no general path, think maybe i could use a quick bath, life floods back to me, little by little and then i see...
life’s not unfair
Current mood: laughing at the women i’ve ever even liked
been feeling the onset of depression, guess i never learned the greatest lesson, feels like it’s time to start drinking, it keeps me from thinking, of what has gone wrong in near past, too many thoughts too fast, overwhelmed by the flash flood, my heart starts pumpin more blood, gettin a little pissed, feels like i’ve been dissed, by the words of my father, the truth couldn’t be farther, heart beats harder and harder, spent four good years alone, 25 and i feel my chance is blown, everyone else is married now, go to the weddings and bow, out and hit the cold air, it’s not that life is unfair, it’s just hard sometimes, punished like i’ve committed horrible crimes, smoke another cigarette and feel the sting, i’ll never see a wedding ring, except on someone elses hand, so now i just want to see some sand, feel a tropical breeze, just live a life of solitude and ease, if i get close to you, before we start we’re through, i laugh cause it hurts too much not to, what else am i supposed to do, it’s not that life is unfair, it’s just that i no longer care, and neither should you, i might feel a little blue, but it’s better than seeing red, at times i’d rather be dead, but then again, why’s that a bad thing, i’d get to hear angels sing, instead of watching them leave, that’s just my personal belief, so now i just smoke and drink, sit back, write and think...
this is one that i wrote yesterday. the words just came to me and i would appreciate some thoughts on it. feel free to critique it as well, i could use some constructive critisism.
been writing a lot the past few weeks, feelin like a geek, pen to paper, that’s so cliche.., sorry it’s no myspace comment, what can i say? it feels more personal, like a little kid with a diary, dear diary, today was a good day, naw, that just sounds gay, "i cut myself again", that sounds right, deep and dark, an inner fight, when the pen touches my pad, memories of life flood my mind, like those of my dad, he’s not dead, he just ran, left the family he abused for a new wife, new life, & a tan, i wouldn’t even consider him a man, do i hate him, part of me says no, i just want you to understand where i go, when you speak of your pops, i envision dad in a scene from cops, dad drunk and screaming, mom taking a beating, i get lost and think of our next meeting, dad’s prodigal son returns with tears in his eyes, sadly his dad’s still full of shit and lies, son turns violent, savage, father’s body found beaten, ravaged, thoughts flow from my pen, til the ink dries up and put’s my writing to an end...
Currently
listening
:
God Loves Ugly
By
Atmosphere
Release date: 11 June, 2002
i try to remember my childhood. it's funny though, it seems like the memories just aren't there. it's like a big blank canvas. my unpleasant memories must have been like a dark forest, painted in dark, depressing colors. a scary place i wish to never visit again. once was enough. my good memories are like a field of beautiful flowers, eye catching bright colors mixed with gorgeous, graceful shapes. the problem is, that when i chose to wipe the canvas, i not only painted over the dark forest, but i whitewashed even those wonderous flowers. you can occasionally see faint glimpses of what was once there, but for the most part it's just blank...
this made me think of why i cling to things more recent than my childhood. do i cling onto the memories of people and the people themselves simply because i'm afraid to lose even a single memory of them. a memory as trivial as a conversation about he-man, or even the more serious times that are still barely brought up. am i afraid that if that person or event isn't brought up in a regular fashion that they will just fade from my mind. it's like having a life that was never lived. people i loved, that in my mind, i don't remember loving. or even a smile that was hard earned, a kiss even harder worked for, will be gone forever. the fruits of my labors will just vanish, if i don't constantly remind myself of and try to relive.
at what point is letting go the same as never happening? i guess that's what has been on my mind today. strange thing to think about if you ask me, but then again, when aren't thoughts strange? peace, i hope to see that smile again...
so i came up with this today after jamming with josh for a bit. my fingers kind of hurt from playing so much, but i wanted to see what it sounded like and what you folks thought of it. let me know.
thought for the day, then i’ll be quiet...
Current mood: drained
i find it amusing that the things we want are in actuality the things we need the least.
we want the newest coolest phones, but we need to pay off our debt. we want a new system for our cars, yet we need to have the engine serviced. i think you see where i'm heading with this.
this applies to a lot in life. we are programmed to respond to our wants overlooking our needs from birth. remember to ask yourself if you need that new phone, that new tv, or that girl or guy in a relationship. i think if you actually sit down and ponder if you need that, you'll find you just want it, but could live without it. that's it, i'll shut up now.
so i've been spending a lot of time alone the past few weeks. this has been difficult for me, seeing as I become lonlier than all hell when i don't see people. it put me in a funk, which in turn made me reflect on life, my life specifically. there's a few people in my life that i can live without. there are things i need to do, seeing as i'm 25 and still at the job that was just a "stepping stone" that i've been at for 4 years now. i've become complacent with my life and have avoided change and accepted the numbness and comfort of the routine. this is something that needs to be changed. travelling is something i will be doing a lot more of. blowing glass, wrting, and playing music will become more prevalent in my day to day life over watching tv all the time. riding my bike will replace sitting on the couch.
i'm going to continue being with the ones that bring happiness into my life and cast aside those that don't. they may not be bad people, but they bring strife and sadness into my life. i'm going to stand up for myself instead of blindly apologizing. no more letting people put me down, when i should have my head up in the clouds.
these are the things that come from my loneliness and despair. like a phoenix reborn, i feel the new breath of my life as i passionately struggle twoards what's important in my life. a moment alone can help to change your perspective, thus changing your life if you look past the negative. change is good, very good...
accomplished
busy
annoyed
nostalgic
awake
blah
drained
