9:59 PM - Scarred
Category: Writing and Poetry

These are the battle wounds I carry. No need to explain. I carry them for you to see. I pick at them to keep this constant reminder of what I've done. These marks run deep into my skin. Digging down under and tearing at the bone. Limbs torn and weathered bruises upon the brain. Hard to the touch and repulsive they stand. I treat them as my friends. I showcase them and revil in the fact that I have lived and I have seen what those live there entire lives to never dream of. Fools I say to them and those who denie their scars. Let me educate you on this thing that we call "life". I have seen the dark side of beauty, I danced with it and said that I would never return back to the light that shelters my soul. I promised to take it in like the Piss and wine we drink. I must voice the way these spirits scream inside. I feel them coming over like the blackness consumes the night. I will dream in the dark because I feel this paculiar thing killing me. Continualy drinking my thought, feasting on my blood these serpants dine in sin. Without these scars here, I have no tears to fear. These snakes climb my walls and talk to me. Screaming on through the night, "Let us dine, the innocense awaits." I think to myself... I don't mind. While I am you I see them slip away and take my pain. They are the damned and I cherish their presence. Without these fangs I have no more scars. Their shadows, their shedding skin, and I've been picking these scabs again.. I've been crawling on my belly clearing out what could have been. I've been wallowing in my own confused and insecure delusions. For a piece to cross me over or a word to guide me in. I wanna feel the changes coming down. I wanna know what I've been hiding in. Childhood is past and the present is all to familier. I wanna take these slithering foes and tie a noose. Knowing they are here and they will die for me and die for these sins. I know because they don't lie, or so they claim but what truths do serpants promise. They dine on the misery of those weak and promising victims. I am niether weak nor am I a vicitm. But still I want the serpants to stay. They are what keep my alive. They are what I feed upon. In the shadows of my room I kneel scratching at the walls where they climb. Fingers numb to the touch, bleeding through for the fear to make stench. In the shadows with my shedding skin, I've been picking scabs again. I've been eating at the muscles in order to see it through. But really it's in my shadow I see these changes bleeding through. I am alone in my room. Nothing is climbing these walls. I've been crawling on my belly, wallowing in the pain within. I am the snake and you are my prey, fear this force coming through. It crawls toward you. The change is coming down and feel the pain shed through. I see these serpants thinking I am alive but instead I have shed all that is me and now all I see are lies. It's this monster you should fear. It is this pain I speak of that I have no remorse. I feel them crawling threw. I see my shadow changing, coming through the other side like the shit we are unclean and I can only fear the worst. This is the me that I fear. This is what you should fear too.

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Tool: Forty Six & 2

Currently listening : Ænima By Tool Release date: 28 January, 1997

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10:50 AM - Goodbye! So long for now...
Category: Life

As we get older it seems harder to maintane relationships as simple as friendship. Maybe it's a coming of age test that we must all go through before we can actually call ourselves adults. The thing about friends is that one person you can talk about something but more than fifty percent of the time your talking about a whole lot of nothing. Now to me, those conversations full of nothing are worth so much more than the lot of those somethings. Just as you grow and are able to handle those moments of silence or be comfortable enough for that person to see you in the worst of states, you come to realize how precious those relationships are. This realization should allow us to understand that they don't just come into your life as easily as they go. As we grow into adulthood we must accept the fact that people, the human psychology, and communication become more and more complex and complicated. A "hello" is no longer a simple greeting it can now be jam-packed with all sorts of conotations and if used in the wrong form than it could stir up a whirlwind of confusion. Now, that may be an extreme example but take the general concept of that and apply it to your everyday conversation. Plus, on top of the communication that we share with one another, realize that each person has their own set of beliefs, moral, and principles. To factor in those and determine who we call our friends on top of living day to day stresses, it is almost impossbile to be able to maintane the perfect friendship. But, to my definition of what a friend is, it's those little imperfections and those dissimilar interests that make these relationships so vital to our survival.

Those imperfections and those differences keep these relationship we have so fragile. As friends we must learn from one another, set example for, and just be there when needed. Though, sometimes we're gonna get let down, we're gonne get hurt, and we're gonna get angry. Well, I've learned not to become so dependent on one true friendship, the 'best friend' factor. With the mentality of knowing that 'best friend' will be there whenever you need them, it's a very romantic point of view. I've started to cut down the cheese in my life and focus on the things that are real. I became dependent on that one person which to my own fault may have pushed them away. Though, I do have doubts on the reasons why we are no longer communicating, I understand that we have ourselves to deal with first so call me selfish, that's that I'm doing. But, the good hearted person inside of me cannot ignore the thoughts pertaining to the other person. I hope everything is going fine for them, I can say I miss them, but I sure as hell won't be the one to open the communication back up. I can wait. I've put myself out there once to start it back up... got nothing. So, this time I will iether take the hint or just wait. Hopefully, this person can get through what they are dealing with right now and come back to a happy existence when they realize those people in their lives that have tried to be there for them as best as the can. Those gestures of concern should be the determining factors.

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10:35 PM - Standing Alone
Category: Blogging

Imagine this....

Standing alone in a room full of eyes that sting. The clock clicking away minutes of peace and comfort. Paper clips and suits are all composing the sound of your demise. Standing silent to the rustle of pages that turn faster than you can read. This is the chapter I found myself in today. Through these eyes you can see the not so distant future that awaits. The focus begins to grow as everything else becomes so blury. Nothings is taking form and the outside is fading fast. Blink and breath... Look forward, blink and breath.... Stand up straight, look forward, blink and breath... Swallow, stand up straight, look forward, blink and breath...
Soon enough all the simple reminders begin to fade away near the end. The room is filling with all these simple things that we take advantage of without any care. Suffocating your every thought. Can you just Imagine that.

There's something about standing alone that I will never understand. No matter how many people you have that care or how many people you know that feel for you, you are still always alone. I felt alone today. Unfortunatly at the moment a good portion of the people in my life are experiencing very unsettled times. Normally I'm the person to be there or vice versa but right now everyone seems to be dealing with so much of their own it seems nearly impossible to reach out. I know I haven't been able to for some bit here for a very close friend of mine and I can tell it has changed an aspect of our relationship. We've grown apart and that, I do have to say, has been quite hard on me. I feel so alone, especially today. But, I understand that we each have our own lives that we must attend to first so I don't want to stand in anyones way or be selfish and think that my situation is far worse than anyone else. All I'm asking now, I need to be cheered up because now I'm feeling so very low. This life I have has been an amazing roller coaster but today has by far been the worse drop I've ever had. I can't quite explain the whole situation because I cant even put things into words at the moment nor do I have to. But, I'm asking for a friend... I need my friends now.

Click here:
Never is a Promise -- Fiona Apple: Tidal

Currently listening : Tidal By Fiona Apple Release date: 23 July, 1996

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7:26 PM - Never Fear...Paul is here!
Category: Blogging

Breaking it down I finally realize that things may not always happen the way that you planned it or life throws you a lemon and you just don't know what to do. Well, that's what you've got me for! I'll be right there for you with all my support and undeivided attention because when a friend of mine is in need I can throw out all my concerns and focus on you. That's why I'm here and that's why I hope you call me your friend. So, when you have those lemons thrown your way... give me a call and I'll bring over some limes and a little tequila. We'll make it all better! So when your feeling blue and like your all alone, never fear! Mr Paul is here!

So for all my friends out there who are in need you can find an ear to complain too, a shoulder to cry on, and ALWAYS someone who can just give you a hug!

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1:53 PM - Wishing it Were Easier!
Category: Blogging

I just don't understand the "gay" mentality that allows a man to automatically assume that everything in this world is about sex. The one thing I do enjoy about the gay culture is that sex isn't seen as taboo. As a gay man I know what it is to have different interests and to be opressed because of my sexual orientation. I f someone is gonna tell me I cant be with a man I'm gonna strike back and say "Come on boys! Bring it!" But, somwhere along the line this freedom to express ourselves in this outragious, exciting, and exageratted way has become confused with Identity. I still have my identity. I define myself by the things that I do and not those that do me. I am a gay man but that's only a small portion of me. For those of you who define yourselves as gay and only gay I feel sorry for you and I hope that one day you may know yourself. I'm still trying to figure this one out and the only way to do so is by looking within.

Though, in this time of sexual freedom and expression I understand the need to be open and straightforward but it seems more often than not that everyone is just looking for a good blow job or a random fuck. I'm not that way! (most of the time) So, it becomes quite frustrating when trying to find even new friends just to hang out with. I have a very small group of friends not only because I'm selective with who I spend my time with but also because it's so hard to find a genuine person to just relax and have fun with. Those times that you do iether have strings attached or they were only putting up a front. Maybe this is me just very sexually frustrated and jealous that there are people out there getting more than I am. But really, I'm serious in the fact that gay men get so wrapped up in the sexuality and not by the passion of life itself.

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7:52 PM - All Apologies
Category: Blogging

Lately, I've been dissecting my past relationships, that of the friend and romantic nature. The reason for this recent discovery session is because I've been trying to look back and see what has made me the emotionally unstable, self loathing,  domineering and recently cognizant individual I am today. Now of course, I do realize that we as individuals have our quirks that are to each their own. God knows I have mine! But in looking back at the past few years and the relationships I kept I can recognize a pattern to iether the relationships end, the relationships start, or that of those relationships I still have. Now, one thing is for sure, I'm no psychology major and pretty much a lot of this (if not most) is me talking out of my ass, which is one thing I can do very well. Without apologies. I know, not only by experience of what others tell me but also because I realize within myself, sometimes.... I come off to be a pessimistic, self righteous, malevolent ASSHOLE! and I know this...

But it's only been recently that I've been brought to clarity on this downfall of mine. What made me come to this epiphany here recently was that I've been doing all this to myself. Of course, you know the golden rule: "Do onto others that which you would want done to you." Well, my version of it for so long has been: "Do onto other that which has been done to you". I can say, I've had my fair share of people who have double crossed me, lied to me, cheated on me, and hated me. Well, I did that to some of the most important people in my life. These people know who they are and what they may have done to me or what I may have done to them. Sticking by my motto, my golden rule, I finally did it back at myself, three-fold. I'm so used to throwing those left hooks I finally looked in the mirror one day and caught myself square in the gut. That was one punch I wasn't expecting nor will I fight back.

I've come to realize that life is too short to dwell on the past or let the words of ignorance manifest into negative energies. It's time to accept the world as what it is. My world is what I percieve it to be. This goes for the rest of you. We create our drama... we create our bullshit... we CREATE our situations. So today I'm creating a new path. I am no longer opressed... I am no longer deceived... am no longer conformed! I am an individual based upon my thoughts, my my words, and my actions. So to those individuals I wronged in some form or manner, I give you my sincerest aplogy yet. I realzie my faults and I hope that one day you can have the privilege to do the same about yourselves.

Hurt -- Christina Aguilera

Currently listening : Back to Basics By Christina Aguilera Release date: 15 August, 2006

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8:42 PM - Deep Within
Current mood: scared
Category: Life

So, we've come into June of 2007. That means that we've survived half the year! Recently though I've been feeling detached from myself. For a few select few of you who know the trials that have been thrown my way we know that this hasn't been to easy. These things have been weighing heavy on my mind as the summer progresses. Soon enough they will be a distant memory but that point of clarity is taking forever to prove itself to be fact. I've been here breathing... heart beating... just going on, but yet I'm so far away.

The distance between who I am, who I was, and who I want to be is growing by the passing minutes. Waking up and telling myself just breath.

Take it all in, release!

Take it all in, Release!

Take It All In, Release!

I'm holding on with all my strength. My grip, my sanity, my ability to cope are all losing these battles I've waged. I want to believe that time heals all wounds. I want to believe that things can be forgiven. I want to believe in myself but these things are becoming so unclear to me. I was set out with a goal and I have failed. Through that failure I am paying for the today and for the tomarrow.

So, as time stands near, I begin to think about it all. Rethinking, rebuilding, retaliating. As the old has done me no good, the present seems helpless, and the future seems distant, I fight to breathe. The air between me, between you, between now and then has become so thick, so diluted, so unconscious. I'm here but I'm not here. I'm lost in trying to find my way back. Will I ever find my way back? I'm scarred. I'm alone. I'm scared!

Click here: Fear -- Sara Mclachlan
Fear!

Currently listening : Mirrorball By Sarah McLachlan Release date: 15 June, 1999

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9:04 PM - Let me tell you about a good day!
Category: Blogging

It's quite rare when you get to meet someone who is generaly a good person. When I say "good" I mean that this person was real, humble, and actually made me feel happy being in their presence. Someone who exudes so much positivity is rare to find in our world today. I'll admit I can be cynical at times and think that this worl is going to pot but there are those days and those pupils that make all that cynicism fade away.. We'll I look forward to furture days that will ental these positive attributes and look forward to the great things that it can bring me. It is wise to surround yourself around good people so when you find one be sure to keep them and learn from them. It's all about making new relationship, those that are the healthiest for you.

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12:12 PM - Piss & Wine (very rough draft)

There are always the pros and cons to any situation. Fueled by a marvelous evening out for Cinco De Mayo I went out with friends to go eat and back to there place after to watch a movie. Now, with every respect I understand that things are at a point right now in which I am unable to push the limits on certain details but the idea of not being able to enjoy my youth  besets me. I've decided here and now I really don't want to supress these urges to have a good night out with very good people and actually enjoy myself. I look forward to the weekend. It's the one things that get's me through the week, my reason for getting out of bed and actually going in. And belive me, I despise this job with so much content and so much pain it makes me sick to my stomach. To feel physically ill due to your work environment is not how we are ment to live our lives. We were not put onto this good green earth to spend our days in cubicles looking at computer screens all day. And to this I say, Fuck Yeah! So, I end up enjoying my youth and live it up. Just recently I have began to adjust my life, resetting my standards for the people I spend my time with and that of which I do with them. So, along with this change has come a lot of self sacrafice and diligence. Ladies and getleman he's becoming an adult. Haha! Laugh as I will but damn it's not easy! By no means did I know that life was gonna be this challenging but you know what, I'm ready for it. I've been facing it head on and I realize that I can now deal with whatever it throws at me.

Now, there is one hurdle that I need to cross in order for me to live a comfortable life. A life in which I can actually attempt to be happy. Those would be the Parental Units. I know they mean well and I know they are just trying to look out for me but damn does it get old. There has to be a point at whch they let go. Yes, I admit I have made mistakes in my past. Quite a few actually, but that's what life is all about. You live and you learn and you move on. I Just wish they could do the same. Contrary to this they proceed to never forget, which I can completely understand. Niether will I! How can you choose to forget something that has been so monumental in your life. These are days in which I've done a lot of soul searching and I have found my voice, if you will. I used to be so affraid to face life. I left myself numb to the world for so long, doing whatever it took to release that reminder of how how it can be. But in doing so I was also making myself dead to all the Great things in life. Nver knowing what was good and what was not. Made a lot of bad choices and lost a lot of good people but I'm past that now. I don't have any regrets about any of it. I have learned so much in the past few months and had a few good tears shed but it was all worth it.

The one thing I am happy about through all this is the friendship I have gained with an old friend of mine. We were good friends before but now we have become  what I would hope to be a "friends for life". We've both experienced a lot and finally things are starting to go well. It's great to have a friend who's experiencing the world with the same mindest as I. (to be continued) 

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7:19 AM - One for the Books
Category: Blogging

I just have to start out by saying that this weekend will be one for the record books. I had such a beautiful time out with my best friend. You know who you are! At a time when everything is so unsettled and so distraught these moments of pure sweetness are much appreciated. It would be weekends like this in particular that I Live for. Now for those of you who couldn't make it out with us let's try for next time. But really, I just wanna let you all know that it doesn't matter the amount of people that your with or where you're at, as long as you have that one person who understands you and doesn't give a FUCK what other people think.

For those of you living under a rock for the past few days this weekend was Pride and damn was it the best one yet. There are a just a few things that I have to say:

"I love Vodka"

"I just need to masturbate...or something."

"Move get out the way, bitch!"

"Fuck me sideways"

"My crotch is warm for these french fries"

"We all know she knows how to spell"

"Potatoe!"

Haha! I'm sure I could go on but those stick out the best for me.

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10:47 PM - Just another day
Category: Blogging

It's another ordinary day but to some its a day of celebration. Not this year... not today... not for me. What are birthdays exactly? It's a date to mearly announce ones being. You vow every year that this is going to be the year. That moment you blow out the candles you wish for the best even in the shadows of last years lost wishes. You hope that this time around those same wishes may one day come true. They never do. Thats the romantic notion of a birthday wish because in the off chance that your deepest wishes may one day come true and well we all know that if your wishes did create valid point than there would be some sort of meaning to the randomness we call life. So, I find myself even on this day of really no meaning at all wishing for the impossible so that it can one day seem possible. The wish for the glimmer of hope to be somewhat true in order for this life celebrated on this day year to year can finally rest. This hope that there is more and proving once again only to be let down. So, this year I wish for no more wishes. I just am. Today I am just me. Today is just another day.

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7:21 AM - Time, It's a Tricky Thing! Time!
Category: Blogging

I hate waiting! To start off, I find myself avoiding new and familier things because of this damn waiting. My life is at a crossroads right now and I realize it's make or break time. Now, I'm staying as strong as possible to not break like glass and just lose it because I see different possobilities for me in the future but all the energy I'm transmitting towards the positive is wearing thin on my head. I'm getting tired and very restless. What seemed to be moving just fine has now just come to a complete hault. The worst part about it is that even with all those positive vibes I still feel within my heart a negative result.


My birthday is coming up. I'm gonna be 22. I look back to a year ago, when I was counting down the days until I was 21. Oh, how simple was it back than. But even so, I was waiting. Waiting for an event to occure that in my head I percieved would never take place. Is that what life is about? Think about it... all those moments that lay in the back of your head the ones that start out with "I cant wait until...", these moments accumulate and soon you realize you've been waiting. Waiting for what? Waiting till we die? Life moves by faster than a blink of an eye and if we fixate on the past and constantly worry about the future we miss the current. The time is now for you, for me, for us to take ACTION!


My problem for so long was blaming my past on my present. Looking back and obsessing over events, people, and moments where I could have done something different and I find myself playing out all the events to follow. Everyday I lose more and more sleep as I just lay in bed at night wide awake as my brain computes the multitude of occurences that have, could and will take place. As I lay there in the dark, no sound except the constant humming in the brain. Images flash before my eyes, single words come into my head. Mathmatical equations of E(emmotion) times the square root X divided by the 222 moments, and so on...and so on! AAAAAAH! Please, just let me rest. One single moment of pure thoughtlessness. It now haunts me in my dreams. The worst part about it is I hardly remember my dreams but now when I wake up I remember them vividly. These dreams stew in my head all day long until I once again attempt to sleep but of course waiting through the pool of thoughts that drown my rest.


Recently I've been finidng myself trying to pass on fault to a "higher power" one that I was so unsure of and in doubt for so long. Now, for some reason, even in my darkest hours I find the existence of a "higher power" to be more real and ever present. I grow angry! This hate is starting to fill my head and infect my heart. I pray and beg for foresight. I wish for foresight. I demand foresight! But still, nothing. So, I grow impatient and I've become this impulsive petulant servent to time. I realize I have no one to blame but myself. Well, FUCK THAT SHIT! I'm tired of blaming myself and I'm tired of finding excuses and I'm tired with these results. I'm not ready to give up. I'm not going to allow time to rule my life. We're born, we live, and we die. I'm going to focus on the LIVING! I've reached a point in my life where I can finally take charge of my life and make a difference. In doing so I have to let go of the past and move on. This waiting, belive it or not, as painful as it is, has allowed me to work things out in my head, I'm coming into an understanding. I'm finding peace with myself. I still have a long time to wait but I've still got HOPE!

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12:41 AM - My Own Personal Hell

tarnished clothes and burnt hands
seldom do we find such tragedy
In the ambiance of these wicked flames
third degree to nothing at all
scars and blackness consume
the flesh covering the elusive
Water, blood, and brimstone
Trying to become one
A tonic for the soul
Consumed by nothing but He himself
Reminiscent of tar and ash
closing in like the catcher in the rye
Inhabiting our minds by the hour
ticking closer to the new
may He grant so much as to one more minute
and the species in his mutinous way
Fighting these demons to the death
Reminiscent of the wars we wage
Grant me Peace from this Place.

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11:04 AM - Rise!
Category: Writing and Poetry

Dont look at me with your bitter twisted eyes
Because in the dark I will rise
You may shoot me with your words
You may cut me with your eyes
But someday you will realize

Through the history of your lies
Up from a past ruled in pain
I'll have you see the diamond
Glitter gold in my brain

You may shoot me with your words
and you may cut me with your eyes
But I will make you realize
That through the fire I will rise

So, dont look at me with your bitter jaded eyes
dont speak to me in togues filled with lies
Out from the life rulled in pain
I'll pass on like dinamite
Exploding in your brain

Dont you dare shoot me with your words
or cut me with your eyes
because in the end I will have you realize
I will rise, I'll Rise, I'll Rise!

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6:32 AM - Pure Hearts & Yellow Flowers
Category: Writing and Poetry

The things that are killing me
the things that you will never see
people think that it's clear as day
well there is nothing at all to say
Passing through the hours
like pure hearts and yellow flowers
these wonders amaze this muse
tossed away torn and used
deep under this thick layer of skin
lies the truth behind my deadly sin
Oh these things that you will never see
people are what they will make of me
sinners and liers asleep in dreams
peacfull to you my world seems
Tormenting me through the night
demons rise and take flight
time is now and forver will be
These simple pieces of me
they spiral down to the ground
where the evils will hound

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