The First Holiday Blog
Category: Travel and Places

The First Holiday Blog (err, ok - the second)

This was written (with a PEN and everything!!!) by me mid-holiday, so I'll just type it out as is to get things started:

Contrary to popular opinion, I'm still not dead.  Well, I guess I could be by the time you read this, but as I'm writing this I am alive and well.  Can I start and finish a sentence with the word 'well'?

What-ever!

I'm writing this from Salou in Spain.

Yes, I'm on holiday with Lill Boo, but decided not to change my status on MySpaz and FaceFuck to tell anyone just incase one of the Flying Monkeys who stalk me decided to Play Silly Buggers and rob my house while I'm away.  Ner-ner I'm back!

*takes another swig of Tores brandy and watches some ants file past*

This could all get very long, so I'm going to split it into several blogs.  That way you can see what I got up to without getting bored to death.

Lately, I've hardly blogged, and things were getting a bit stale.  I'm happy to say I've found some inspiration again - hence me sat in my hotel room writing this late at night.  I got here on Monday (the 29th Sep) and now it's a Saturday (err... I think?) as I write this.  I was walking down the beach today and got a major craving to write!  It's the longest I've been without writing since... well, forever!  At least I know that I'm still a Writer and do get that need.

I booked the holiday literally a week before we got on the plane.

Why Salou?

Because it's cheap!

There also looked like there'd be loads to do.  It's a popular destination, so there is night life, but as it's out of season I figured it'd be quieter too.  Europe's biggest theme park (Port Aventura) is about 2 miles away, and I'll be going there in a few days.  I'm in the area of Catalunya so there are loads of ancient Roman cities and stuff, and I wanted to get a look at some of the proper Spanish countryside.  As it turns out, we spent a day high up in the mountains being driven in a Jeep - but more about that later!

You may even catch us n TV as it's the World Rally Championship here in Salou, and we'll be heading there tomorrow for the final days celebrations!  Hello Mum!!!

So far this holiday has been a mix of being both great and my worst nightmare!  First impressions were not good.  In fact they were depressing on the first night!

The problem with cheap holidays is that ignorant scum-fucks can also afford and abuse them...

If I survive, I'll tell you the story so far with a week left to go...

10:32 PM - 5 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

More Wandering Than The Littlest Hobo!
Category: Blogging

More Wandering Than The Littlest Hobo!

I'm back because I wasn't dead - despite what the pictures might suggest!

I was in Poncho Land (aka Spain) in Salou on a real life holiday!  Yay me!

There'll be lots of blogs to bore you with because I got all inspired when I was there and actually wrote some stuff, but it's all busy busy busy at the moment as I try to catch up with you buggers and all my other online and offline stuff.  Plus I came back to a permanent job on a decent wage at last!  A new bike is on the cards... as is Grand Theft Auto IV - but I'm still deciding whether to stay loyal to Playstation to buy the PS3, or save around £200 and buy it with an Xbox 360...

Either way I'm fatter.

Holiday was great and also had some terrible bits involving me fully expecting a mob to smash the door in during the night to murder me.

Other than that it was beaches, sun (and getting burnt on my feet so badly even Simon Weston would wince (do a Google Images search)), offroading in the mountains, and walking further than The Littlest Hobo every day.

Also - and whatever Lill Boo says I DID NOT PLAN THIS - by some freaky coincidence the first weekend we were there was also the weekend when the World Rally Championships were staging their Catalunya round and based in Salou!

Highlight of that for me was getting stuck behind 'traffic' of about 20 Group B cars (mainly RS200's, Metro 6R4's, and a few Audi Quattro's and Lancia Delta's) in tiny winding village streets.  Mmm - a car nuts dream!

Actually, back in Salou at the winners podium, I tried to get a perfect kneeling shot of the same RS200, and after lining up an awesome shot, the driver saw me with my camera and slammed his foot down... which would have been great on VIDEO, but left me with this as I was setting up a still shot:

Bastard.

Anyway, there should be a load of blogs about stuff plus plenty of pictures.  If you're on my Facebook, some of the pics are already on there...

Hope you've all missed me else I'll track you down, smack you over the back of the head with a spade, and keep your eyeballs in a jar.

Oh, and I missed you lot too (but not that much because I was busy)!

2:26 PM - 24 Comments - 24 Kudos - Add Comment

EROTIC STORY: "The First Hurdle" (SBT)
Category: Writing and Poetry

EROTIC STORY: "The First Hurdle"

He'd been trying to decide how long to wait.  And how long he should make her wait.

After a few dates, this was his first time in her house.  She'd cooked, they'd eaten, and now already the second film of the night was playing.

And of course there was the vodka.

Deciding to have a play and see what the reaction was, he idly traced his fingertip across the length of her shoulders as they sat together on the couch.

Her submissive purr told him all he needed to know, and as he ran his fingers up her neck and into her hair, her head lolled against his hand and her shivver of pleasure was plain.

He smiled in the dimmed light, lightly moving his other hand into action on her thigh.

She turned to him, no smile on her lips - just hunger in her her eyes, and there wasn't even an instant in which to consider having their first real kiss.  It was gentle but needful, embracing each other strongly as they twisted to get more of their bodies to touch.

The kiss broke and his fingers still massaged the back of her head, and between her moans her hot lips were against the side of his neck, then back on his lips again.

As she found how hard he already was, he moved his own hands over her corseted top, feeling her soft, firm breasts through the material and needing to feel more.

He pulled her body close to his, reaching around her back to the corseting.  Biting her neck softly, he pulled at the ties.

"Not like that..." she panted, pulling back and showing him the hooked fasteners at the sides.

He smiled again, somewhat disappointed to have the new challenge of undoing a corset denied, kissing her as he popped open the fasteners the easy way.

He was kissing down her collarbone even as she discarded the top, his warm hands cupping her as he kissed her breasts slowly and softly.

She moved to kneel on the coach facing him, pulling off his top as if in trade, and she didn't stop him as he unbuttoned her jeans and slipped a hand inside.

She lifted his face to kiss him again as his fingers slid over her wetness, and he knew she wanted him as much as he wanted her.  Slickened by her own wetness, her whole body sagged as he slowly ran a finger over her clit for the first time, and time disappeared for both of them, her gasp as her tightness clamped down around his fingers bringing out a moan of pleasure from him.

Somehow he was naked as she pushed him back into the seat, straddling him as she steadily worked her had rhythmically up his length, before guiding his tip inside her.

He bit her lower lip as she eased down slowly, a cry escaping them both as she slowly inched over him.

She felt so tight he wondered briefly if this would work, but their slickness made sure there was anything but pain as she took his whole length inside her, nails clawing at his shoulders.

They kissed hard, both gasping as she drew herself up his length, eager to resume the kiss, but unable to ignore their ecstasy.

She rode him like that for a long time, changing pace and matching each other easily - both in tune with each other as if they'd done this a thousand times.

He swirled his tongue over her hard nipples, her whole body shaking now as she moved on him steadily.

"I'm gonna cum..." she breathed against his ear, and he came the moment her hands scrabbled at his back, both lost to each other as they gripped each other as if to stop from floating off.

She kept him inside her, and they both calmed their breathing, kissing more tenderly now.

"I wasn't sure if you wanted to?"  She said, much to his amusement.

A thunderstorm had started outside, and only now did they notice as the roar shook the window panes.

The first hurdle was passed, and they held each other, both knowing they'd made the right choice with each other at last.

And now they could really begin...

1:19 PM - 20 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

Cuando Monos Vuelven De Mi Culo
Category: Travel and Places

Cuando Monos Vuelven De Mi Culo

Life is being pretty good to me at the moment.

I have a payrise coming soon at work (at last) along with perhaps even *gasps* a Future, and I'll soon be heading off to Foreign Climes for a short break!

I'm not going to tell you where, other than it's Spain.  Err... technically that is telling you where, isn't it?

Anyway, Spanish (or "Ess-pan-yol" as we say in Birmingham) is the language out of the 7 I know that I've found easiest to learn.

Unlike English and Japanese, and German-when-you-get-to-the-verbs, it all makes perfect sense!  Seriously, some of you reading this from outside the UK may not know (Un burro sabe mas que tu!) that even though Spanish is the worlds second biggest language and by far the easiest to learn, we get forced to learn French instead.

And I mean FORCED.

After 5 years of French in school, with some cunt-wig of a teacher bullying me, I finally managed to get out of it in favour of learning Spanish.  Ironically, this was after having also been forced to learn a year of German, and even more ironically it was only the Thick Kids who were given the option to learn Spanish!

How fucking retarded that those of us with the brians to be in top group were made to learn useless languages rather than the second biggest in the damn world???

Yes, I am still bitter, and with good reason.  I learnt more in six months of Spanish than I did in 5 years of French or a year of German (which itself was equal to 5 years of French, too).  OK, I wouldn't mind going to Germany, and I listen to some German Industrial music, but fuck France!  When am I going to need that shit other than when I've downloaded a French film with the wrong subtitles???

*stares out of the window trying to remember the point of his blog*

Yes, so since school I didn't need Spanish until a holiday around 4 years ago when I was 27.

I brushed up on the basics, and sincerely think my holiday was vastly improved because I could struggle through the native language.

For this holiday, I just decided I'd better take a look at some basic phrases again, and am amazed at how quickly and easily it's all come back to me!

Which brings me to another thing!  When looking at the online reviews of our hotel, one of the most common complaints is:

"The hotel staff only seem to speak basic English!"

You have GOT to be shitting me???

I can actually feel the sweet tides of Rage seeping through my body typing that statement out.

WHO THE FUCK........ WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE DO YOU WANT THE FUCKING SPANISH TO SPEAK IN SPAIN???

ENGLISH???  YOU FUCKING DO AS WELL, DON'T YOU, YOU IGNORANT COCK-BRAINED TWAT-MONKEY!!!!!!!!

Scum like these idiots really should be banned from ever leaving their hometown!

I am horrifically embarrassed to be English when I'm abroad.  Oh my God, what if they think I'm like them???

One more reason to speak their lingo as much as I possibly can...

Oh, and for that little bit extra, I've finally found a truly excellent website that I thought disappeared years ago, which has, shall we say... more interesting phrases which may be useful: www.insultmonger.com

Now, veta a la mierde!

3:45 PM - 32 Comments - 22 Kudos - Add Comment

"You Told Her You Love Her ALREADY?!?"
Category: Romance and Relationships

"You Told Her You Love Her ALREADY?!?"

It's very easy to get sucked into playing games where relationships are concerned.

So easy, in fact, that you may not even realise that you're playing games - or maybe you're telling others to play games!

For example, how many times has a friend told you "I love him/her!" - and your answer has been "It's too soon for that!"?

Hell, I've been on both sides of that myself!  It's almost a conditioned response in everyone now!  Is that something to do with age?  I bet you it's trickling down so younger and younger people are saying it...

There seems to be this thing about being guarded, and not showing your feelings.

Even if you're in a relationship with someone, you're not 'supposed' to tell them you love them, until a decent amount of time has elapsed.  How long that time is, it's hard to say.  A month?  Six months?  Certainly by a year, you'd expect the words to have been said.

How many people do you know in relationships who admit to you that they love their partner, but haven't told them yet?

I've done that, too!  Of course, the person you tell is almost certain to tell you it's too soon and you don't really know that...

Why do we do it?

What's the point of holding back?

"Oh, but Nasty Evil Ninja - I've told my ex I loved them, and thought they loved me, but then they fkd me over!!!"

So what???

Let me put it this way - is it better, if they are going to 'fuck you over', that they do it within the first few weeks, or 6 months down the line?  So what is there to lose?

Maybe you're just scared to tell them in case it "scares them away"?

What the fuck are you doing in a 'relationship' with someone who might be scared by you telling them you love them???  If they ARE going to be scared off by this, let me tell you something: YOU ARE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP.  They don't want you, and they're hardly marriage material, are they?

OK, so sometimes we get with people, and there isn't all that much of a spark there at first.  We can grow to love each other over time.  That's fine.

Now think back at how many relationships you were in where you never told them how you really felt?  Did you split before you got a chance to say?

Did you split because they or you lost interest?  Perhaps a little more was expected, and words were never said to make you feel like it would ever go anywhere?

"But when do you tell them?"

As soon as you feel it!!!  The ONLY thing waiting will achieve is losing them.

What the hell is wrong with people?  When we were young, we'd tell people what we thought of them straight away!  If you thought a friend in the playground was cool, you'd say that and SHOW them you liked their company!

Where did we lose this?

If you love someone, then why wait to tell them that?

All you're doing is wasting time!  You're wasting time you could be spending with someone who knows you love them - and how great is that time?

Sure, it might not last, but that's all the more reason to enjoy it all while it is good!

Try living your life - if you love someone, tell them that today!

If someone is a great friend - TELL THEM!

Break out of this pessimistic and conserved state that we've had beat into us over our lives, and you might just find that happiness you only knew back when you were a kid...

12:34 PM - 33 Comments - 28 Kudos - Add Comment

Wish You Were Here...(SBT)
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

Wish You Were Here...

I met a girl last night.

She was beautiful.  She was happy in my company.

She was great fun to be with.

Probably around 5'6" tall, shoulder-length dark brown or black hair.

We were both very comfortable with each other - as if we'd been dating for a long time, but the novelty had never worn off.  We'd just got closer and more exciting instead.

We walked hand-in-hand along the street, laughing and joking.

Of course, we were both very attracted to each other.  She teased me by running her hands over my trousers - laughing that she'd made me hard as we walked.

Truth is, she'd got the knack and I'd got the need, and she'd got me VERY excited!

By the time we went inside a pub, and she was still playing with me, I was having to ask her to stop.

She thought I was joking at first, but then when she realised that I wasn't, she redoubled her efforts!

When I told her she'd make me cum, she smiled with that glint of hunger in her eye, backing me against the wall, still running her hands over me, finding it funny and erotic.

She started to grind her ass against me, and I knew I was already too far gone.

I was wearing light grey trousers, so finding a release in them in public was going to be a Very Bad Move... but what choice did I have?

Run as fast as I could towards the toilets?  I doubt I'd have even made that, at that point...

So I grabbed her hips from behind, and pulled her hard to me, breathing as quiet an orgasm as I could manage against her ear, as she wriggled herself against me, feeling my cock twitching as I came hard.  As SHE made me cum hard.

Today, sat at work, I still see her clearly.  I see her shape.  I see the curves of her slim body where my hands were.

Most of all I see her smile, and her eyes, and that beautiful, fresh face.

And yet I can't QUITE see clearly enough...

I don't know who she is!

She was almost like an ex of mine - though which I'm not sure, because as I liken her to one she seems more like another.

Maybe she's someone I went to school with?

Maybe she's totally new?

It's less than twelve hours since I was last with this girl from my dreams, and I miss her.

I may never see her again!

I may never know her name!

I miss you, my beautiful lover - I hope you were a premonition...

1:52 PM - 22 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Dreaming Like A Gangsta!
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

I notice in my abscence that MySpace have removed YET ANOTHER blog function!  I can no longer look back through my blogs by category by clicking on the category name.

This is taking the fucking piss now, MySpace!  Still busy working on that cunting rich text editor, are you, you fucktarded piece of Tom-dicked wankballs???

Anyway, whilst pissing about, I decided to see what blog I posted on this exact day one year ago, and here it is:

Dreaming Like A Gangsta!

For the last few months I've been playing my way through the Grand Theft Auto series on the PS2.  Hey - I had about a 7 year hiatus from gaming, so I'm still trying to catch up!

I'll go in stages of being totally obsessed and playing it all the time, then suddenly not give a shit for days or weeks.

Without a doubt, San Andreas kicks ass, though!  I've just gone back to it again and am definitely going to get the new game when it comes out.

It's not a kids game.

I have to stop myself dragging people out of cars and shooting hookers and stuff all the time now.  Can I sue?

Who the hell's Sue, anyway?  My ex?  Mmm legs...

Ahem!  So yeah, it's affecting my dreams in interesting ways.

I had a right cracker last night that had definite GTA-type influences.

I was chasing two men (I'm pretty sure they were the Bad Guys)... err... and having read that back through I'll also clearly state that this was a hetrosexual chase - not some Benny Hill style gay porn.  So yes, I shot one of them (I think), and as he died soem little pin badge of an AK-47 flew off him and landed on me.

I threw it at the other bloke, and as it landed on his sleeve he stopped running and looked down at it.

He knew this represented his dead brother, and wasn't too chuffed about it.

Pulling out a big old Katana sword, he squared up to me for the final duel.

Now, even in dreams where I'm on the kill, I'm still a bit of a nice guy.  I was still holding some weird dream weapon that was sort of a cross between a sawn-off double-barrel shotgun, and a long thin blade.

I thought I'd give this man a fair match, and told him so.  I wanted to fight him using my own katana.

But each time I lowered my weapon, so that I could pull out my katana, he jumped forwards ready to attack.

I tried several times, but he wouldn't let me switch the weapon!

Suddenly he lunged forwards, bringing his sword down, which I parried with the thin blade on my shotgun (as you do), side-stepping so that I was a pace away from him with both barrels pointed at his chest.

*BOO-YAH!*

Both barrels fired at nearly point-blank range, and down he went, dead.

I felt a bit frustrated that he wouldn't let me fight him fairly just as I pulled the trigger, but it was his own fault.

It should probably also be said that I had cheese on toast not long before I went to bed.

I believe I once did a blog experiment where I chomped a load of cheese before bed, but sadly the results weren't as good as I'd hoped.

Maybe I should try it again?

12:16 PM - 26 Comments - 23 Kudos - Add Comment

If You Sleep With A Man Then You’re His
Category: Romance and Relationships

If You Sleep With A Man Then You're His

Highlander is a great film.  This blog isn't going to be about lopping peoples heads off with broadswords, though - it's going to be about morals!

There's a scene near the start where our hero - Connor McCleod of the Clan McCleod - is out ironing his petticoat or whatever, and his friend Ramirez is at home in the castle with Connor's girl when The Kurgan comes a-calling.

After a good old swashbuckle, and a slight flesh or two, The Kurgan batters the poo out of Ramirez and then notices the girl.

"Who's the woman?" he asks Ramirez.

"She's mine." he lies to protect her.

"Not for much longer..."

OK, so this point is illustrated with rape, but it's how things used to be: if you sleep with a woman then she's yours.

This was warped somewhat by 'Those Fucking' Christians who bludgeoned into everyone about 'no sex before marriage', but the basic principle is still the same - you save yourself for a man you want to be with, and when you have sex with him you're his.

I can hear your Feminist Whore-Moans screaming but just shup.  This 'ownership' doesn't have to mean that man controls your life and every move, and it doesn't have to be a bad thing.  It just means that you can only sleep with him from then on.

Sure, you may not stay with him for the rest of your natural life, but if you enter any sort of relationship thinking that you don't want to still be with them in 40 years time, then you're a fucking liability and shouldn't be allowed to play with the rest of us human beings.  Go on.  Just fuck off and never taint us again with your slaggy ways.

When you enter a relationship, then at worst you shouldn't be thinking about a future where you're not together, and at best you should be wanting to spend the rest of your life with that person.  There is no compromise with that.

So you sleep with a man and that's it.  You're with him.

Isn't that a great ideal for a happy life?

So what's gone wrong?

Why are we a world full of casual sex and filthy-assed working-for-free prostitutes?

Are we all that weak, or are we all just too greedy?

If you ask me, it's as the film above says:

There can be only one.

9:48 AM - 59 Comments - 30 Kudos - Add Comment

Happy Little Bunny
Category: Life

Happy Little Bunny

No, I haven't bought a Rampant Rabbit - but there's talk about a big pay rise and I just got a parcel!

£250 pair of Sidi Vertigo Corsa boots, spelt wrong on Ebay, snatched up by me for £62.

Mmmm they feel gooooooood!!!

(and they don't stink of parmesan and Marlboro, either!)

Yay for bikey stuff on Ebay!!!

Now, I know some of you are huffing and puffing at £250 for a pair of boots, but they're about as good as it gets, and are the latest version of the boots I own now - Sidi Vertebra Corsa Evo II's.  And remember you're paying to protect a body part that is worth well over £250, if you ask me.  And no, it's not just gimmick and yes they do work because my current pair saved my ankle from snapping like a twig a few years ago!

Lil Boo has a lovely new flat that she's moved into, and she's looked amazingly happy since, and it's all new and good and yay for life and stuff!

Hope you buggers are all alive and well, and I think I should check my Lottery tickets and hope for another big win like the £3 I won on the scratch cards.

12:14 PM - 30 Comments - 26 Kudos - Add Comment

EROTIC STORY: "On A Crowded Train..." (SBT)
Category: Writing and Poetry

EROTIC STORY: "On A Crowded Train..."

When he whispered urgently in her ear, "Take them off", she wasted no time in pushing through the crowded train to the toilet.

After pressing her back against his throbbing erection one more time, of course.

She returned and greeted him with a kiss as he pulled her to him.

"Give them to me."

She retrieved her thongs from her purse and stuffed them into his jacket pocket, knowing he thought she was calling his bluff.

His eyes sparkled as he ran his strong hands over her hips, down the mini-skirt and dragging his nails gently over the exposed flesh of her thighs.

"What do you want to do to me?" she purred in his ear.

"I want you so much..." he replied.  One of the nearby passengers glanced their way, as if he'd overheard.  She felt herself get wetter at the sound of his voice and the thought that the stranger now knew what was coming as well as her.

She turned her back to him, and he slid his arms around her waist as she pressed against him again.

She eased forwards slightly and slipped her hand between them, sliding his zipper down and reaching inside.

He sighed in her ear as her warm hand wrapped around him, carefully guiding his penis out into the cool open air.

The train pulled into a stop, and she kept him in her hand, then just as the doors opened she slipped him between her legs, holding him between her thighs and pressed against her.

A few people stepped off the train, and more got on, creating even more of a crush.  She moved her hips slightly, her wetness letting him slide easily against her as she pushed him back harder into the corner.

As the doors closed, she slightly lifted one leg, and it was all she could do to stop herself crying out as he entered her quickly and easily.

He kissed her lightly on her neck, just below her ear and she shivered.  He was pressing hard against her g-spot.

She looked around her to see everyone was avoiding eye contact with everyone else, as usual.  It just looked like he was stood innocently with his arms around her.  She smiled, and wondered if any knew more was going on.  Maybe some were watching from the reflections in the window?

He lightly bit her earlobe, and she closed her eyes.  The constant buffeting from the train, and it's subtle rocking motions were doing a lot more for the sensation than she thought they would.

His arms tightened around her as if he was thinking the same, then he quickly shifter her hips, and she was glad he'd tightened his grip to stop her from bending forwards.

They were both breathing deeply, hearts pounding so hard with the excitement it was a miracle if none of the people stood next to them couldn't hear it!

She wanted to touch herself - she wanted his fingers touching her, but had to resist, instead grasping at the back of his thigh with one hand.  He responded by easing into her even more.

He smiled looking down at her and seeing her starting to flush over her chest.

She teased him inside her using her muscles, and he almost groaned out loud, quickly recovering it to fake a cough.

He throbbed inside her and she knew he was close, as was she, but the train slowed again as it pulled into a station.

As it braked she let the forces press her against him, feeling his whole body twitch subtly as he fought against his imminent orgasm.

She barely noticed the people moving past her through the open doors, staring intently at the Exit sign over the opposite door, so turned on that if anyone brushed her nipple as they squeezed through it would undoubtedly send her over the edge.

It seemed like an eternity until the door closed again, the acceleration pulling her slightly away from him and making her eyes roll back in her head.

She felt him swell inside her, and felt the heat as he came inside her as he pulled her back onto him, squeezing her hard around her middle, and she heard herself whimper far away as the rolling tides of her own orgasm crashed over her.

Her legs went weak and she sagged against him, turning her head to the window but knowing people had turned around at her cry.

He nuzzled into her neck, kissing her again.

She waited a few long minutes with him inside her, until they approached the next station.  As they slowed he withdrew from her and tucked himself away as the train came to a stop.  They both stepped off ahead of the crowd, and he wrapped his arms around her again.

Neither dared look back at the train at the accusing faces...  But they laughed...

9:51 AM - 30 Comments - 30 Kudos - Add Comment

They’re The Future! I’ve Felt It!
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping

They're The Future!  I've Felt It!

I got back from lunch to see a package on my desk.

Part of me got all excited, while another part recoiled in disgust.  They had arrived.

The flip-flops I'd bought off Ebay ready for my holiday.

I mean, of all the shitty footwear ever invented, surely flip-flops are well up there with the worst?  Apart from maybe wooden cloggs (just... WTF?!?) and those new shitty foam things that Nob 'Eds have taken to wearing around the supermarket this Summer.

I think they're called Crocs!  How the fuck are they in fashion with anyone?  They look like they're made for retards to go fishing so when they dangle their feet in the river they don't get eaten by spakka-chomping pike.  Wearing them outside a mental home is bad enough... on holiday is cringeingly terrible... but in fucking England in fucking public???  Wankers.

Where was I?  Oh yes - coming in at Number Three are flip-flops.

I tore open the package in much the same way as someone coming home from a long day out, knowing the dog's shit all over the rug, but praying for it not to be TOO bad.

I actually cocked it up right from the start.  Knowing I had to get something flip-floppy, I did an Ebay search, saw these, hit the 'Buy It Now' button, and it was done.  Then, my brain clicked into gear and I realised that what I actually should have bought were the more rugged ones for walking about the place full of paella.  Sandals - that's what they call the bastards!  DOH!!!

I looked at the seller's other items hoping that they sold those too, but to no avail.  Oh shitty piss-sticks.  Still, for £5 or so I could just bin them...

I opened the bag and was hit by a pungent stench of rubbery, plasticy cheapness.  The smell alone oozed all the quality of the cheapest gift anyone ever bought you for Christmas.

I whinged, took the piss out of them, made some sarcastic comments and then slipped a foot into one.

I joked about suddenly feeling the holiday spirit, as I slipped the second one on and stood up.

Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ!

Flip flops are The Future!  I've felt it!

So soft!

So cool!

So free!

I'm still wearing them now.  I might even wear them at work.

No, hang on.  I'm being ghey, aren't I?

*ahem*

I'll just take them off and hide them away...

But I'm kind-of looking forward to that first chance to wear them again...

12:56 PM - 33 Comments - 24 Kudos - Add Comment

Where The Fuck Are You, NEN???
Category: Blogging

Where The Fuck Are You, NEN???

Since I've been asked that question so many times by one of you, I suppose I should poke my head back in the door, pull a face, fart, get your dog all excited, then piss off again.  So I will.

After winning on a Lottery scratch card, life hasn't really been the same.  There has already been one flat move, and another will be happening tomorrow.

Tensions between friends have been at an all time high, and though I've tried to ignore their petty jibes and requests, I've managed to alienate myself somewhat from all the groups I used to hang with.  I guess after coming into the money, this is always going to happen.

I'm still on my trusty old ZX9R, and aren't going to change it until I get the insurance money that I'm STILL waiting for.  A holiday is in the pipeline, though.

Work is a drag, but nobody else is here, so I may as well cover for a while.

Anyway, I've mainly been pissing about in The Real World, and also with some of the applications/games over on Facebook, as well as watching loads of movies and stuff - but it's rained every single -ing day this month, so not much in the way of riding.  Bikes anyway, hehehe!

So, going back a bit, what did I do when I saw I'd won?

I was pretty calm.  It's not exactly going to stop me having to work, but I figured with a bit of work it could cater for a few bottles of Frosty Jacks Cider.

So I took the £3 I'd won and bought another 3 scratch cards.

And lost the fuckers somewhere.

No - life hasn't been the same since I came into some money a few weeks ago...

2:13 PM - 28 Comments - 22 Kudos - Add Comment

Sexiest Things Ever!
Category: Romance and Relationships

A re-post from two years ago!  And I don't think it's changed much:

Sexiest Things Ever!

What are the sexiest things that someone can ever say or do?

I realise this is a highly personal thing, and what makes someone spurt their baby-batter may make another droop (or the female equivalents). I'm going to do this from my (yes, I'm male) perspective, because that's what I know. I'm sure there'll be lots I've forgotten.

Looking deep into their eyes before you kiss - this has got to be the start. Even just the look can be amazingly sexy, but the deep lingering stare from close, before you lean in and press your lips softly together... mmmmm!

Letting me touch her - I don't mean going straight into the pink ditch like a French soldier running for cover, I mean proper touching all over her body. Some girls won't let you do this, but the ones that do turn me on hugely! Slowly tracing your fingertips all over her body... following the curve of her hips and the insides of her thighs... teasing for ages until you touch any of the Hot Spots. It can also be touching her face as we lay together... but that's much gayer.

Her telling you to cum for her - this can bring forth an orgasm from nowhere, like it's some kind of magic command. Especially for hand jobs (and blow-jobs I suspect, but I've never experienced that). Also her telling you to cum inside her whilst you're in the act. It sets off something primal.

Her telling you she's cumming - yeah, yeah - it should be obvious, but sometimes it isn't. Even if she's flushing red and talking in tongues, it's STILL better if she breathes this against your ear. Believe me.

Her telling you to cum with her - this is a slight variation, and more effective. It's even better if you know she's really trying to hold back for you. Cumming together is pretty much the ultimate goal of sex in my eyes - best achieved if she cums just before me, and that sets me off. Hell, women have longer orgasms, so it's only right to give her the head start.

Sucking you clean - mmmm!!!!!!!! this is something I hadn't experienced until a few years ago, and it blew my mind as much because I didn't think she was the sort, as to just how damn sexy it was. This doesn't work with condoms. The sex has started, then for whatever reason (changing positions, or pulling out cause you're almost cumming and don't want to), you pull out, and then she puts her mouth on your dick and sucks her own juices off you. Then you kiss her and slide back in....

Mmmmmm!!!

I knew a girl once who used to finger herself when she thought I was asleep in the same room as her (or maybe she didn't think I was asleep).  I was literally as high as a kite watching her do this - so turned on I was floating!  It was even more intense to hear her trying to cum quietly, with a deep breath, a needful sigh, or a stifled cry...

God damn!

If she is putting on a display for you, another amazingly sexy variable she can throw in is to turn away from you and do it on all fours, like doggy style, turning her head to look at you...

Does anyone agree with me? What else really makes you shake with arousal?

9:52 AM - 27 Comments - 24 Kudos - Add Comment

Do Women Wear Cock-Rings???
Category: Web, HTML, Tech

centralskil : realy hot n horny u darling its been so hot today u wont to play

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : are you free later tonight?

centralskil : i was free now

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : well have a bath cause you -ing STINK!!!

centralskil : asl

centralskil : i just gt out of the shower

centralskil : now

centralskil : i literly gt the towle

centralskil : on

centralskil : i am 5.8 tan skin medum build

centralskil : black hair

centralskil : brown eyes

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : you're a disgusting fatbody

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS????

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : A JELLY DOUGHNUT!

centralskil : wow

centralskil : u mean busines

centralskil : dont worry

centralskil : darling total satisfaction

centralskil : is garnateed

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : i bet

centralskil : i even gt a cam

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : i hope you at least give dogs a reach-aroun while you bum them?

centralskil : so u can see if u like

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : see??

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : i'll take your -ing eyes out in a minute you pleb

centralskil : no i last long time

centralskil : if u look sexy

centralskil : all night

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : i always look sexy, baby

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : wanna know what i'm wearing?

centralskil : goon

centralskil : darling

centralskil : fire away

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : no - impress me first

centralskil : u like to tickle

centralskil : asl 1st

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : what are you? A -ing Mr Man??

centralskil : tell me how old r u first b4 i impress

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : i'm 21 and not a day older

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : rude boy

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : mmmmm if only you could see what i'm wearing right now.....

centralskil : yeah if only u could see what i have on

centralskil : nothing just a towel

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : i have less on....

centralskil : oh yeah

centralskil : what do u look like

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : i'm almost totally naked.....

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : my blonde hair is still wet from the shower....

centralskil : i hope ur not a fat ugly married woman

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : the light gently glinting off my silver cock-ring.....

centralskil : i wish i was next to u now

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : i bet

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : do you like it?

centralskil : i would push u against the wall n suck u all night

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : niiiice

centralskil : untill u drip

centralskil : r u wet

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : i'd have to take the cock-ring off after an hour or so though

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : yeah - i'm dribbling a bit

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : nice moist hogs-eye

centralskil : r u home alone

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : yeah, baby

centralskil : i would tie u in hand cuffs

centralskil : me too

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : how would you handcuff yourself?

centralskil : just imagin i am behind u

centralskil : yeah

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : you'd have to be, really...

centralskil : babes

centralskil : what u wearing

centralskil : i am so horny

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : yeah - i'm wearing a silver cock-ring

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : we've been over this

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : i'm losing my erection now

centralskil : can i go down on u

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : yeah - suck my hogs eye

centralskil : yeah baby

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : suck my balls, too

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : hum a little

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : you still there, baby?

centralskil : yep

centralskil : u gt cam

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : right - let's get this straight... you DO realise i'm male, don't you?  You may want to try paying attention to what I've been saying...

centralskil : piss off

centralskil : u r blocked

2:59 PM - 21 Comments - 22 Kudos - Add Comment

EROTIC STORY: "From Behind" (SBT)
Category: Writing and Poetry

EROTIC STORY: "From Behind" (SBT)

She rolled onto her back, the cool silken sheets making her skin tingle almost as much as the feel of his fingers sliding out of her.

He brought the fingers up to his mouth, slipping them between his lips, licking her juices off as he looked into her eyes.  She kissed him and tasted herself on him, too.

No words were needed as he moved, for they both flowed into the same being when they made love - it was an almost psychic connection directly to what the other needed, with only a simple light push on her hip telling her he wanted her on all fours, as he stood at the foot of the bed behind her.

He hooked his arms around her, squeezing her nipples between his fingers and pulling her upwards so that she was kneeling.

She purred as she reached a hand back over her shoulder, running her fingertips through his hair and turning resting her head back against his shoulder so she could kiss his lips again.

She felt his erection pressing eagerly against her, and squirmed her hips back against his hardness.

He held her kiss, moaning slightly, and his hand snaked down over her belly.  He pressed his palm hard over her and she shivered and nearly came just from that, biting at his lower lip as she gasped.

She felt him smile through his kiss, and he eased off the pressure, sliding one finger through her wetness before stroking firmly over her clit.

He playfully bit the side of her neck, then down over the tops of her shoulders as he expertly moved his fingers on her, then she felt his hips move back away from her briefly before his cock was between her legs, resting against her.

He slid his length against her, her wetness mixing with his as he pressed his fingers lightly against her clit, and he eagerly leaned forwards onto her hands and knees for him.

Knowing she was already close, he didn't tease her any more, and inched slowly into her as deeply as he could, feeling her tighten around him, keeping his finger over her clit as she arched her back to take him even deeper.

He withdrew almost as slowly, letting her feel his whole length, before plunging back into her, now flicking her clit quickly, and she pushed back against each of his thrusts.

She cried out loudly, and that cry of pleasure almost made him cum, but he pulled out of her.

"No - not yet..."

Climbing back up on the bed he scooted his legs up near her head, laying on his back and pulling her hips towards his face.

She slid her lips over the head of his cock, just as he slid his tongue inside her.

It became a competition of who could carry on giving pleasure the longest without getting distracted by the pleasure they were receiving themselves.

He smiled at the thought, before circling his tongue around her clit, and she lifted her leg to straddle him fully, holding him deep in her mouth.

A few more flicks of his tongue and he felt her going over the edge - he slid his tongue inside her as she came, feeling her muscles contracting against his tongue, tasting her cum as he let his control slip.

She sucked hard as he filled her mouth, both reveling in the feel of the others orgasm and their own.

He shuffled around, climbing on top of her, his still erect penis rubbing against her sensitive clit as they kissed once more, entwining tongues before falling asleep in each others embrace, dreams crossing with reality over a whole night of sleepy sex...

12:22 PM - 38 Comments - 28 Kudos - Add Comment