My Dad's band

So many of you have asked... Who was your Dad?

As I always mention in my act, my Dad was not famous;
BUT his band OPENED for some famous folks
(The Who, Queen, Tom Jones, The Moody Blues, Ozzy... to name a few)

Someone wrote to me and had found a link on the web
for a site called Brumbeat
(the nickname for Birmingham, where I was from in the UK, is 'Brum')

http://www.brumbeat.net/johnnyne.htm

Yes, this is the band. My Dad's name is Barrie Gray (spelt wrong on the site)



My dad is the one on the right with the stylish locks (ahem),

a look highly popular at the time with mass murderers.

In England at the time, the TV show Opportunity Knocks was our UK equivalent of Star Search... it was quite a big deal and could take a band to great recognition overnight. My Dad's band won it six times in a row... actually, here is a quote from the site:-

In October 1970, Johnny Neal got the biggest break of his career - an appearance on Hughie Green's "Opportunity Knocks" TV Show, with the highest viewership of any other programme, eclipsing even "Coronation Street" and for 6 weeks "Johnny and the Starliners" were seen live by an audience of between 18 - 22 million people weekly. This was massive exposure - especially as Don Arden (see The Move) had seen the show, signed them up to a management contract, and rush-released their hit single entitled Put Your Hand In The Hand. This lead to other TV shows and BBC Radio One etc. topping the bill at cabaret venues around Britain and abroad.

Geoff Nicholls eventually left The Starliners and joined the Birmingham group Quartz and later Black Sabbath. Barry Gray went to Canada, and Roger Craythorn is now in South Africa. Peter Wright (ex Trapeze) joined on bass guitar and was later replaced by Rex Harris (now in Australia).>>

So there you go.

Although I take after my Dad in some musical and creative ability,
I did not inherit his stylin' hair and must face life without the security of built in ear muffs
and, as my mother would say, a lip full of bum fluff.

Have a great day everyone
XX
natalie
ps I'm going to get a hold of a song which I'll upload soon... cheers!

10:20 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The Bravest Bio
Category: Life

The Bravest Bio has left the building.

I left this link as the comments were so thoughtful
and I so appreciated them it seemed a shame for them to be deleted.

Til next time...

Hope you're all doing well!
:)

Natalie

5:33 PM - 6 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Everyone should show some midriff

Howdy folks

ah the assimilation into a culture
that must have taken place
for me to say
HOWDY FOLKS!...

where's my stetson
so I can put it on while I'm drinking my tea?

I just felt compelled to publicize this tip:

since putting up the Playboy event photo from June 15th
the views to my profile and blogs have QUADRUPLED

I find this completely fascinating

the profile views I KINDA get
("what OTHER pictures might there be...
some with actual PLAYMATES ???")

but the blog views??

people see some extra skin
and their thought process actually ends up with
'wonder what SHE has to say???'

anyway, this is definitely good news
to all smart chicks and bloggers in general...

the answer is quite simply,

show some skin!

sadly, my further research will require that I get a triple D boob job
but, hey... it's all in the name of blog

big hug,
and have a great day!

Natalie
:)

10:57 AM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

in memory of Effie who just passed away at age 33

preface:
Effie was a press photographer whom I had only met recently...
He was incredibly sweet and kind to me.

I know his colleague and fellow photographer Mark much better.
Mark and Effie were best buddies.

When Mark emailed me to sadly inform me that
Effie had suffered a heart attack at age 33
I was quite in shock and my sympathies went out
to Effie's family and loved ones and especially to Mark...

as perhaps there is a lesson in this for us all
I have decided to post one of my recent emails
to Mark...
____________________________________________

I remember being in hospital for a week at age 18...

I shared a room with a lady named Mavis who was 40...

we both had had our stomachs ripped open
and both had terrible coughs (I had pneumonia, she a tumor)
so with the mindboggling agony of coughing
combined with staples across our tummies... we bonded!

we talked of our dreams and she told me how
she'd always wanted to go to England,
how one day she'd marry her boyfriend

so many things she wanted to do
and one day WOULD do!

on my last day in hospital
the doctor pulled the curtain between us
and told her she had two months to live

I left the hospital with my parents
and left also Mavis, whose days would end
at that same hospital

for one year I had wanted a parrot
(so resisting the urge to crack a joke here)

the day I got out of hospital,
even though I couldn't walk properly
I had my dad take me to buy a parrot

a couple of weeks later Mavis married her boyfriend in hospital

I went there to do her makeup
as I had a good knack with it
being an artist

she died within a month
never getting to do any of those things
she would do... 'one day'

everything I have wanted to do since age 18 I have done...

as soon as I knew I wanted to return to standup
I left my six figure job as a shoe designer
and have hit the stage every night since January 22nd
and already started to feature on the road

my most valuable lesson in life so far
was taught to me by sharing a hospital room with Mavis

Effie has left a gift from his passing
to everyone who knew him

do what you truly want to do...
because every day
truly is a gift

and every time you make a choice to go down
a path of your dreams
you will be giving a little tip of the hat to Effie


warmest thoughts,


Natalie

9:56 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Shoes, Toilets, and other tales of China

Note: this was written a few months ago while I was still designing shoes for Playboy Footwear and Bebe... I have since left shoe design to return to my passion of writing and performing standup comedy where I can make much less money and have less requirements to speak Mandarin.

Hello all!

Before we go any further, if you don't read on, at least look at the pics!!!

I dare you:)

Right then.

I hope your year is going well and your dreams are all coming true
or are at least in some stage of development...

Getting straight to the point, I am in China right now designing shoes for a major brand.

This is a very eye-opening experience...

Rather than crack a joke, I'd rather simply give you an insight
into an industry and culture that is somewhat foreign to most ...

I apologise for a probable lack of wit.
Exhaustion is a part of the job over here;
but hopefully the information will be worth the trade-off
of a half-smile.

There are about 500 shoe factories in the area I am staying in.

I've seen about 20 now.

They have surprised me in their cleanliness
and work conditions...

BUT

I went to a pretty bad one today.
The worst conditions I've seen :(

It was the first time I felt sad for the people.

Lines of poor young girls applying toxic glue with toothbrushes...

no gloves, no respirators, no ventilation

They are only taught to do one specific thing
for example, putting glue on a sole with a toothbrush

They have to sit in the same position doing this day after day, year after year.
From 16-25 it seems...


Today was the first time I felt an air of sadness in a factory
Blank faces...
Most of the girls will probably get horrific lung disorders and brain damage
from sitting in the fumes

couldn't even stand it for 3 minutes

The other factories haven't been bad... so 1 in 20 in my limited experience ...

It has become my secret vow that the I will only select factories
with proper working conditions to manufacture our shoes...

I do not express my reasons to the liasons over here...
but simply chose the nicer factories to produce our shoes.

I cannot believe the hours people work here... their stamina

The guy I deal with sleeps about 4-5 hours a night I think
the factory workers the same with no time off it seems...

I have been working VERY hard, 18 hour days,
but there's no way I can keep up with the hours.

My colleague from Taiwan says that it is the only way
a Chinese person can have an advantage in business...
To just simply work harder than another culture ever could.

Luckily I am quite comfortable with hard work...

Tomorrow is the cutoff day for shoe samples...
meaning that if my drawings don't get to the factories by tomorrow,
the workers cannot make the samples ready for presentation to buyers in February.

We are supposed to go out to dinner tonight (SCREEEEEAMMM!!!)

I just can't bear to look at another food item that has eyes.

Did you know that one of the available materials for shoes is horse fur???

One MAJOR brand I know uses it... makes me feel queesy...

I have also secretly vowed that I won't use any horse fur!!

Or any real fur for that matter!!

There's no need... the synthetic materials are incredible!!

My colleague just called ... I have opted out of dinner saying I have to work

which actually I DO??

Thank God I thought ahead and came equipped with two weeks worth of food bars!!
I've sussed out that people over here are very impressed with technology.

That is their status symbol.
Especially cell phones.

Even in poor areas cell phone stores abound
and they have an ENORMOUS selection

The phones are smaller and more advanced than any we have.

And they let their phones ring loudly in restaurants to let people know.
It's not considered impolite (unfortunately)

In the restaurant, the staff followed me around in awe to get a peek
in the 'monitor' on my camera.

thus, I have taken the photograph of a considerable amount of waiters.

Please keep in mind that my words describe only the parts of China which I am seeing...

Hong Kong was spectacular... the best airport I've ever seen in my life

and apparently Shanghai is a stellar city also.

But I am just experiencing the ordinary side of China.
The side that a tourist would probably never see.

Well.

I should do some work.
It's only been a fourteen hour day so far so there's still plenty of time (!)

I wish you all a lovely night... day... whatever time zone you are in!

and a thought...

Be aware of the luxury of your surroundings

....a room to yourself



....a toilet you sit on!



Despite the natural beauty of China
and the overwhelming hospitality of the people,
today after the visit to the factory I felt sadly blessed
that I am just a visitor here.

best wishes to you all.

Natalie@eatingweirdthings.com

(that is NOT a real address!)

11:57 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

La La Land... aka breasts and botoxed privates

Note: this was the results of a request from my dear friend in Toronto to write "bitch" about LA titled, Hollywood Unplugged.

Before I get into the smog and silicone I would like to preface my writing with the following:

Having just had a lump removed from my breast which thankfully turned out to be a benign tumor, I have to confess that I have a very hard time bitching about anything??

I mean, when the day comes to get your results back from the surgery and you actually have to face the reality of the options
I think you tend to subconsciously make a pact with God, Allah, or Ozzy Osbourne that you’re never EVER going to complain about ANYthing

right?

However, the nature of blog does tend to be one of discontent so..

Well

I’m the only girl I know who goes to LA
and gets stuff taken OUT of her boobs

My complication (first time ever) of a rather large hematoma
forming right underneath the incision resulted in a need for an ultrasound procedure done with an implement that can only be described as a small, round, IRON

What every small breasted woman needs...
her breasts to be IRONED!!!!

Whoa, check it out, I’m whining already...

okay, gals... Garry Shandling

did this fundraiser a few weeks ago
TONS of celebs coming in to try and avoid donating money

Don Cheadle, Dylan McDermott, Donna Mills, Neil Simon, David Duchovny...
....TONS of ’em
more manicures than the white house lawn!

There WERE some classy celebs such as the stunningly beautiful Shiva Rose
(wife of Dylan M.) who quietly and discreetly came to make a donation

Unfortunately my job was to extract not only greenbacks...
but also the contact information for these people

Now let me tell you
Neil Simon does not take kindly to having to give out his address

It turns out that if they were "famous" I was supposed to let it slide

but they didn’t tell me that until AFTER everyone had checked in???

hence I am now the most unpopular fundraising volunteer in LA
and will probably never stick a check in an envelope AGAIN!

But back to Garry Shandling
cute right?

in a fixed up, been to the dry cleaners, got a new haircut sort of way?

As I have secretly had a crush on said HBO sitcom master Shandling for several years this was clearly a GRAND opportunity to make a complete ASS of myself!

Determined to meet him, the other volunteers assisted in
a complete SCAM to get Garry to come and talk to me

not exactly my proudest moment but, hey, you have to seize the opportunity

right??

(readers: "Yes, Nat, a guy is always attracted to a STALKER!!!)

So
volunteer A goes to Garry and says that we need his information

Confused sitcom veteran with handsome twinkle in his eye
approaches my ’convention table’, puzzled as to why he has been singled out

At this time I abandon all scams and, OHMYGOD
.... tell the truth!

"Garry." I say.
"I just wanted to meet you."

Man,
did I learn NOTHING in High School????

Well, flattered as you would be when you currently HAVE no show
and once appeared in a movie about SPERM from outer space,
Mr. Shandling graciously flirts and actually extracts not one, but TWO
business cards from me... one for each of my career identities...
One being a master artist, the other being, well, you know, the whole PORN thing.

kidding

but always good to have two different identities
thus aligning you more accurately
with the profile of a PSYCHOPATH!

Garry urges me to call him

I call Garry

I never hear from Garry again.

This concludes this installment of Hollywood Unplugged

stay tuned for next week’s edition when we reveal
the latest trend in Beverly Hills: botoxed vaginas

okay so I made that up

but that’s only ’cos they haven’t thought of it yet!

Night Night
xoxo

11:50 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Playboy Mansion, Mark Burnett and other snotty John Cusacks

Okay, so MAYBE snotty is a tad too strong of a word.

But when you meet John Cusack and tell him that you've been dating his
brother,
one might expect more of an "oh HEY, pleased to meet you" rather than an
out-n-out snub.

To be fair there could be reasons for the Cusack Snub.

1) He's sick and tired of people using any old excuse to say hi?

2) He detests his brother and pulls out the Cusack snub
to deter such references?

3) He was so busy smoking yellow packet American Spirits,
picking up on the post-Neve-Campbell gorgeous brunette,
and gloating in the fact that he had snuck INTO the party, that
well...
he really didn't give F..$!


The jury is still out on whether the snub is generally
the first thing one gets from Mr. Cusack. So this is not a biased observation.
It is, so to speak,
just the facts ma'am.

The Cusack-snubbing party was actually held
at the Malibu residence of one Mr. Mark Burnett,
creator of a little show called Survivor.

To show that I am not a snubbing magnet it must be pointed out
that Mr. Burnett was tremendously gracious to me
and even had one of his ADORable little boys fetch me a drink.

Now THIS is impressive.

Children already trained in the art of supplying adults with booze!

I liked Mr. Burnett IMMEDIATELY.

He was handsome with an exceedingly good tan
which he explained came from two recent weeks
spent diving in Panama.

I could have talked further with Mr. Burnett
if not for my respect of the time of celebrities
and appreciation of how much they must get bothered ...

PLUS we had actually been introduced in a "matchmakey" sort of way
by his lovely elderly neighbor, Trudy, who I think thought that two single
Brits
would naturally fall in love and head to Vegas.

Hey, I'm sure that two out of three of the party would agree!
(she says, remembering again the nice complexion of Mr. Burnett...
and the lovely glass of cab fetched by that sweet child)

A few little details.

The party was on the beach in Malibu...
a Hawaiian themed celebration of July 4th

a festivity that I believe in fact, I should not be celebrating???

Kidding... I'm long gone from the UK
and Canada and the US are my homes now

But back to the beach...

Great band... open bars... catered nosh
and of course the mandatory celebs.

Besides my future husband, er, I mean, Mr. Burnett,
there was a rather jolly Tony Danza
who despite claiming to be VERY intoxicated,
NEVER left his spot next to the bar.

He was very friendly to those who lined up next to him
and it should be noted that Mr. Danza is a very handsome man,
even WITH a nasty sunburn.
It could even be surmised that,
should Mr. Burnett not show up at the altar,
Mr. Danza would be allowed to fill in.

:)

Next was the sneaking in Mr. Cusack but I think we've covered that territory.

A couple of guests were actually from the party the night before at the
Playboy Mansion:
Michael Berk, creator of a little show named Baywatch was, like myself, a
two-nighter.

A very nice person with an affinity for Florence
and a willingness to hold my beverage while I stuffed my face;

again, an appealing quality.

So perhaps we shall go back to the night before
the highly anticipated July 4th party at the Playboy Mansion.

Arrive at UCLA parking structure 4 at 3pm.
friend and beautiful Austin Powers actress Fabiana Udenio is late
(as always)
but forgiveably, as to be fair it was hard to judge the drive time to, um,
UCLA parking structure .. 4.

We were checked in by several ladies in the parking lot
(glamor factor still not kicking in here)

In a creepy, harshly LA sort of way
every one of us was photographed by Polaroid
and our face and phone .. put on file.

Fabiana surmised that this was in case you got too old to GO to the Playboy
Mansion.


GASP
:(

No-one was to escape the Nazi-style line up
and the tone was more one of grimmacing self-consciousness
as opposed to the , "I'm going to meet Hugh Hefner!!!!" excitement
I had been expecting.

We were given wrist bands with shiny little rabbits,
a symbol which immediately reminded me of the work I am doing for the company
in the field of shoe design.

So many cute, cloney girls had arrived
that I had barely recognized my own dear friend Fabiana
amongst the clans of excess bosoms and lack of garments.

We were put on a bus (again a militaristic echo here)
and once on the bus, my first bit of excitement kicked in.

But then,
as you may know,
I LOVE BUSES!!!
and can drive a 42' coach.

but that's another story.

THIS bus was not to be driven by me,
but it WAS to head to one of the most iconic properties in this world today,
the home of Mr. Hugh Hefner, known affectionately as just 'The Mansion'.

As we made our way across Sunset Blvd. I had those thrilling childlike
butterflies you get
when you're doing something really tacky like, "Seeing the Homes of the
Stars!!"

We drove up a landscaped driveway
and Fabiana pointed out to me the authentic yellow roadsign
which read, "Playmates at Play".

Playmates were near and, why dammit, I could FEEL it!!!

As we disembarked the bus the awe of the property started to set in.
A true castle-like house, far too historic looking to be in the middle of LA.

In my head I was counting, "10-9-8-7-6" and sure enough
before I had counted to 10, the first playmate wafted by.

A TRUE playmate is recognized by her platinum blond hair,
her evident youth, minimal attire and an obviously enhanced bustline
(there may be exceptions to this, but over all I'd say Dow Corning had a hand
in it somewhere)

Seven playmates that I know of live on the property.
These are the girlfriends of Mr. Hefner.
Also sharing the grounds is the EX Mrs. Hefner, Kimberly, and their children.

Of the seven 'girlfriends', Miss Holly Madison appears to be front runner
and gets most of Mr. Hefner's attention.

Her outfit consisted of a July 4th bikini (stars and stripes)
with a GIANT bunny tail attached to the back.

Now I'm not talking cute LITTLE bunny tail...

I'm talking, small basketball pulling down your panties and revealing to the
world
the perky nether regions that only Mr. Hefner would be privy to see.

Miss Madison seemed to take delight in flirtily bouncing the giant tail
in front of Mr. Hefner, thus revealing even MORE of that contractor cr...
you know what I mean, and resulting in a pleasurable moment for her boyfriend.

I found this to be quite cute and there seemed to be
quite a sweet and genuine camaraderie between the two.

There was Verne Troyer aka Austin Powers' Mini-Me.
A regular at the mansion, this 34 year old actor with the 2'8" frame
had NO shortage a ladies fighting to get his attention.

Another memorable face was the lovely Growing Pains alumnus,
Julie McCullough. Still as pretty as ever, Miss M. made smoking a cigarette
look so entising that I had to have one.
She generously offered me a cigarette
the smoking of which was most enjoyable
as long as you don't count the asthma attack.

It should be noted that I actually DON'T smoke
but was mesmerized by how fabulous an activity it seemed to be
when done by Julie McCullough.

but later...

Whilst eating yet more free BBQ, I noticed a HEAVENLY bodied male.

I should say that this isn't at all like me... ogling men.

But perhaps being with Fabiana (adept ogler extraordinaire)
I was picking up the skill

Playing volleyball... oh those biceps... those shoulders...
that LACK of belly!!!

OHMYGOD it's Aaron Burge aka The Bachelor.

and next to Mr. Burge, also in good form
the seemingly ageless Scott Baio.

Many drinks were drunk
and much BBQ was had.

There were enough scantily clad babes
to keep an entire football team going for a year

which, for all I know, they might do??

Finally the fireworks came.
The staff sat me directly behind Mr. Hefner
as a nice gesture to make me feel 'part of the gang'
which it did.

The fireworks, complete with dramatic voiceover, were quite beautiful.
They soared and lit up hope in the sky right over our heads.

Patriotic music, angelic lights and a solemn voiceover...
say, wasn't I actually born in Texas???

I shook Mr. Hefner's hand and thanked him for his touching fireworks.
He was kind and grateful for the appreciation.

One might expect this man to spend his time perusing the lovely ladies at his
disposal,
but no... he is mostly found in a serene corner of the grounds playing
backgammon.
He must have a good heart I think
because also on the property is a zoo

A REAL ZOOExotic birds, monkeys, rabbits.
The birds were a high spot for me as you could handle and pet them.
None had been purchased.
All had been donated to the estate
and Mr. Hefner had taken them in, hired keepers, and in my eyes,
provided this birds and animals with a beautiful and authentic habitat.


I left after the fireworks to head to my next party in Marina Del Rey
the highlight of which became watching fish gather underneath
a suspended work light over the water.

Boat people are nice.

Truly, out of all of my recent activities,
the watching the fish dance beneath the light seemed to be of the most value.


Fish, after all,
don't want your Polaroid.


I hope you are all finding some fresh discoveries in your life
and making the most of the little things.

lots of love,

Nat
:)

11:47 PM - 3 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment