9:19 am.

I woke up from a dream at 9:19 am.
Ceasar had come back to life, like a phoenix. 
His poor orange scales jabbed out like a pine cone,
he started to turn white and red.  He looked ragged. 
Kind of like shrimp that isn't fried.  White and red and dead. 
Then all of a sudden, he came back.  He was small and orange and pink again. 
He swam to the top of the tank smiling, saying hello and asking that I feed him brine shrimp. 
I ran to tell my parents what had happened. 
For some reason, my family ran a camp ground. 
They were in the office, and they did not believe me. 
I took them to show them and we all cried because we were so happy to have him back. 
When we got back to the office, my cat, Mitsy, who is not dead, had also come back to life. 
Except she was taller than all of us. 
And she was wearing a lavender dress and matching hat. 
She was doing her hair and makeup in front of a mirror, getting ready to go to church. 

Currently reading : Bed By Tao Lin

1:56 PM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

The End.
Current mood: Destructive.

You told me I was a comfort for you. 
I reminded you of those you could not be a part of. 
I felt used. 
Everything about this place started to be trouble. 
I left because I wanted to make things right. 
I was selfish. 
I only hurt people by leaving. 
I hurt people by knowing them. 
And I am finished. 

xo. 

Currently listening : The Ghost That Carried Us Away By Seabear Release date: 2007-10-23

5:22 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Free Love Is Not Safe.
Current mood: intimidated

I don't want to read your words. 
Or anyone else's. 
Everytime I try, my eyes water over. 
I can't read your poems. 
I'll ruin lives if I do. 
I want to stick to books of people I don't know. 
But the people I don't know are important. 
And the people I don't know who have books are even more important. 
And boring. 
I want to buy your hearts at Borders. 
I'm not allowed to have them for free. 
I'm not allowed to understand. 
But no chain of shops will support something real. 
Real things only come for free. 
Sent with love. 

Currently listening : XO By Elliott Smith Release date: 1998-08-25

9:59 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Summer studies.
Current mood: Strange.

It smells like fourteen year olds dissecting crayfish. 
Or maybe it's just sweat. 
I wasn't ready for this summer. 
I want to live in my memory. 
No, I don't. 
I want everything.  
I don't want to see anyone.  
I'm going to sweat by myself in my powdered latex gloves. 

Currently listening : XO By Elliott Smith Release date: 1998-08-25

10:27 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Stop.
Current mood: Crabby.

I don't understand. 
I don't understand why everyone tells me their problems. 
Why it's always the people who cause mine. 
Why it's the people who don't care about mine. 
I don't understand why I'm the one who has to listen. 
Why don't you find someone else to say,
           "Yeah." 
               "Geez." 
                   "I'm sorry." 
Most of the time, I don't care. 
Why would I care? You don't care. 
You've never fucking cared. 

Stop reading my blog. 

Stop reading about my problems. 
Because you don't care. 
You don't say a thing to me. 
But you're always reading. 
So, just stop. 
Stop telling me your problems, stop blaming me for your problems, and stop reading about mine. 

Currently listening : Those Who Tell the Truth Shall Die, Those Who Tell the Truth Shall Live Forever By Explosions in the Sky Release date: 2001-09-04

11:12 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

No tape to waste.

I can only write things when I'm sad. 
I can only write things when I am a particular sad. 
A turtle died today and I cried for at least an half an hour. 
But I can't write a poem about a turtle. 
And I can't write an essay about the jerk who killed it. 
I could write about the end of the world. 
And I could write about my definite early death. 
I could maybe write about the things about me you think you understand but don't really. 
I think those are things worth putting through my typewriter. 
But it would probably just run out of ink. 

Currently listening : Fur & Gold By Bat for Lashes Release date: 2007-07-31

10:51 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

No need to Name.
Current mood: bummed

Most of what mattered moved on. 
Most of it still mattered. 
And most of what's left cannot stay. 
Even if it would, I have to make it leave. 
Even if it would, everything is going away. 

6:26 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Come and get it.
Current mood: hungry

Life is very full.  
Not in a satisfied way. 
And not in a way that makes you sick
or makes you wish you had worn pants with an elastic waist band. 
Life is full of mild food poisoning and indigestion. 
It's full of queasy what-ifs? and why-nots. 

What if I had never met the people I have met?
What if I had met all but one?
What if I had been too tired to go out that night?
What if I had never accepted your friend request?
What if I never complimented you?
What if I had told you that I knew?
What if I had told everyone the truth?
What if I only listened to bad pop music?

Why did I put up with it?
Why did I put up with it?
Why did I lie?

How can one compliment to a stranger affect four months of a life?
How can one blog make an impossible and wonderful friendship?
How can Earl Grey tea in a styrofoam cup lead to you?
How can a Mountain Goats cd make a best friend?
How can privacy lead to ostracization?
How can a month long lie turn into eighteen months of unhappiness?

I hate all you can eats. 

9:03 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Big heads are swollen with air and self-approval.
Current mood: frustrated

I’ll never understand people. 
Of course I’m studying anthropology. 
Studying how things were. 
How things maybe should be. 
Nostalgic fuck. 

Today in my ethics class, things were not much different from the usual. 
The weather was better.  I went in with a better mood. 
But being in that room, it’s like being trapped in a hail storm, trying to walk back from the library on a torn up street, while the suits with their umbrellas push you out from underneath the buildings’ overhangs, even though doing so breaks standard traffic patterns.  In short, it’s pointless. 
Yeah, I’m going to get out, but it will take forever, and I’ll still be a mess when I leave. 

There is no moral justification for industrialized food.  Out of twenty-plus people, only three, including myself, acknowledge this.  One girl who lives on a farm pretends that she does.  But then, she goes as far as to claim that vegans are only causing harm.  Why? They eat a lot of out of season plants (probably) and that hurts the environments of poorer countries.  I’m sure she’s had no problem eating in the cafeteria here though.  She probably gets her three meals.  She eats the same out of season plants that I eat, and she eats the meat that eats the out of season plants and is also, often raised in poorer countries.  And animals create more pollution.  I cannot understand why someone would try to tear down someone for trying.  It’s a decision; you either try to improve your eating in some way, even a small way, or you decide to side with your greed.  When you side with greed, you accept the guilt, you don’t try to defeat people who are changing.  Maybe not changing the world, but at least trying. 

We grouped eaters into four groups: vegans, vegetarians, "slow eaters," and "fast eaters."  Vegans were morally highest.  "Slow eaters" acknowledge that industrialized farming is wrong, and eat food from self-sustaining farms.  "Fast eaters," the lowest tier of eating, will almost literally eat anything.  Why? Most don’t think about how they get their food, let alone care to think about it.  The ones who do know? They simply don’t care.  God entitled them to the earth, and they can use it and anything on it as they please, because they have "inherent dignity."  But isn’t it the "Christian" thing to respect all humans? And not to harm within your species? I cannot seem to understand how, even if they have no concern for the earth or for the animals in the system, how they justify the fact that most meat packers are poor, minority women, and by supporting industrialized meat farming, they are ensuring a gap between white, affluent men and everyone - make that everything - else.  And what about the people in the third world countries where the animals are raised without pollution regulations, where the society becomes dependent on the US employment, where the people are trapped, desperate for money to survive? By polluting their land and diminishing their resources, we’re making their land useless.  That means that they will never be able to do anything with it, and will remain dependent on the US, and that when there is nothing left, the US will abandon them, leaving them to die out.  Is that moral? Is that "Christian?" And how about the people living by the factory farms? What about the pollution run off? What about the disease rates? The cancer? The birth defects? Is that justified?

Of course, when I got back to my dorm after class, I had a Facebook group invitation from the most ignorant boy in the class.  An ageist, meat-eating elitist.  What was the group? "SAB - Students Against Bums."  Apparently, twelve cars near the campus were broken into by one homeless man.  Not all were student cars.  Probably no one in the group had anything stolen from them, but we should clearly loathe the homeless.  Why? Well, let me tell you this group’s reasoning. 

1. This is a college campus.  The homeless clearly have no right to come onto our open campus, in the middle of one of the poorest cities in the country because, well, we have money to pay for college, and it would be more aesthetically pleasing if you didn’t bother us.  It’s just common courtesy.  Look for food and a place to sleep at least twenty blocks away from campus. 

2. "Bums" have no right to ask me for money.  I don’t care if you lost your job.  I don’t care if you lost your apartment.  I don’t care if you and your daughter are staying at the Salvation Army while you job hunt.  It’s your fault that the American economy is going to hell, not mine.  It’s a shame that you aren’t capable of feeding your six year old, but I have to go eat dinner now, myself. 

3. Speaking of the Salvation Army, it really should not shelter the homeless.  After all, it’s their fault that they’re homeless, let them deal with it.  Or, if you must help them, at least do it somewhere else.  I really don’t like that I can see the place from my dorm.  How unpleasant. 

4. You know who else needs to stop helping the homeless? Those churches! God is for members of society who "matter."  And there are a lot of old churches in Cleveland.  Big churches.  Big churches full of homeless people.  Disgusting, right?

Of course there are a few homeless people who are "bums."  Like the man who got mad at me for not having enough change to give him.  Or the man who asked me for money for food, then continued to ask me for money for "food" after I gave him a bag of french fries, and looked disgusted when I showed him the charity bucket that was holding all of my change, as of the night before.  And obviously, the guy breaking into cars.  But most homeless people won’t bother you.  They’ll keep to themselves.  Maybe they’ll ask for change, but they won’t get mad if you don’t give them any.  Maybe they’ll try to sell you their newspaper.  And you’d better buy it.  Not because they’re imposing.  They aren’t at all.  Because they’re trying.  You want them to stop being homeless, stop devaluing your residence? Then help.  And if they try to talk to you? Don’t look disgusted.  Don’t run away.  You can keep your distance, that’s fine, but they’re just looking for someone to talk to.  They’ve lost most everything.  Let them have some time. 

In conclusion, the world doesn’t care that you’re on a full scholarship at Cleveland State.  You know it’s a city.  You know that the way you eat is wrong.  But go ahead, keep believing that nothing tops you.  See how life works out for you. 

"I’ll be skinned alive before I will take this from you." 

10:37 AM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Digging for China.
Current mood: Incredulous.

I gagged up my Tofurky sandwich
when I read on Facebook that you’re dating her now. 
I didn’t think you could go any lower than the bottomless pit
  you threw yourself into for a year and a half. 
But apparently you’re good at digging,
and apparently I was wrong. 

Even after that bitch devoured your soul,
and put on the pounds of personality that you used to contain,
even after you were nothing but a puppet,
with her hand up your spine, controlling your every move,
I still didn’t think you would go this low. 

Even without your heart, you could still find someone better. 
Even though you’re nothing that anyone loved you for,
you could at least snag a babe. 
You could at least find a girl whose personality made up for her looks. 
But apparently you prefer to feed off the bottom. 

Currently listening : Oh Holy Fools: The Music of Son, Ambulance and Bright Eyes By Bright Eyes Release date: 23 January, 2001

12:04 PM - 6 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment