In the desert

I have always loved the desert. I remember a few years ago, when myself and a group of people went camping in Arizona desert....the color and the solitude was breathtakingly beautiful. There is just something about the night sky along the desert plain that absolutely captivated me.....the way the sun set along the horizon in a deafening silence...the majestic awe and perfect stillness...such things pretty much force you to stand up and take notice of it's Creator. 

I have never been to Death Valley, but have always wanted to go. I remember hearing stories when I was young about how people died trying to cross the Valley, during the Gold Rush of the 1850's. Judging from the temperatures, it's easy to see why....ranging from 130 degrees in the summer to below freezing during cold winter nights. It is pretty much uninhabitable....people can travel through the Valley, but they can't live there for an extended period of time. If you're in the valley, you've gotta keep on moving.

It's the same in our spiritual life. The Bible says that we are going to go through valleys and deserts, but just like in Death Valley, we are not meant to remain there, or to meander for long periods of time. We are to press forward, so that we can get out of the Valley.

Jer. 4:5    Thus says the Lord: Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, Whose heart departs from the Lord. For he shall be like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see when good comes, but shall inhabit the parched places in the wilderness, in a salt land which is not inhabited

We all go through the desert sometimes. In our spiritual walk, we all encounter times of trial and dry places, but we were never meant to inhabit these places...only to go through them. Sometimes, it doesn't appear that way, because it seems that trials can go on forever. The Israelites spent 40 years wandering in the wilderness, but even so, God was right there with them, guiding them and leading them by a cloud and a pillar of fire. Because of their lack of faith, they remained there a lot longer than they should have, but even so, God brought them to the Promised Land.

In the desert, water is crucial. In John 4:13, Jesus said:

"Whoever drinks of this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life

Jesus Christ is the Living Water, and when we are walking through the desert, the Bible is like our canteen. Whenever we feel dry and parched, we can drink from the words of life, and our spiritual thirst will be quenched.

The Jeremiah verse says that if a man departs from the Lord, he will be like a shrub in the desert. Shrubs don't move. They just grow in one place, and dry up. They certainly don't produce fruit, as other plants in less arid places do; after all, without the living water of the Holy Spirit, how can a person be expected to produce fruit?

Instead, they will inhabit a salt land which is not inhabited. Many years ago, the water reservoir in Death Valley dried up, leaving only salt pans. We are called to be the salt of the earth; but even so, salt without water will eventually cause dehydration:

 Col. 4:6    Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how to answer each one.

We are to be the salt of the earth, and our speech is to be seasoned with salt. Just like salt makes people thirsty, we are to make people thirsty for the living water that Jesus Christ provides. It is not our job to quench that thirst....only the Holy Spirit can do that. Our job is only to create that thirst.

How does a person remain in this arid land? When his heart departs from the Lord, and he starts relying in his own flesh. When this happens, we stop being led by the Holy Spirit. We cannot move forward....we become planted in the desert, like a shrub, that exists without water, and produces nothing.

We all know what happens to a person who has been in the desert for a long time. He starts hallucinating. He thinks he sees a beautiful oasis in the middle of the desert, with pools of water and tropical delights, but when he comes closer, and puts his head in the water to drink, all he tastes is sand. I can't help but think that's what sin in the desert is like.

So many people spend their lives traveling through a perpetual desert because they do not know the living water of Jesus Christ. They chase what appears to be a beautiful oasis in the desert, only to find that when they have reached it, it's nothing more than the same dry sand that they've been experiencing for years. 

That's the thing about sin....It is such a mocker. From far away, it looks like a cool, refreshing drink of water...something that will quench your thirst and satisfy your deepest desires, so you go running after it. It's hard to see the actual essence of it until you have your head right in the middle of it....until you are in the deepest pit...at which point you see it for what it really is, and you realize that you've been chasing an illusion.

For all of you who feel like you've been living your Christian life in a desert, just know that it will not be like that forever. In order to reach the Promised Land, we have to go through the desert. The comforting thing is, though, that we don't have to be a shrub in the desert. God has given us everything we need to get through it...a cloud to lead us by day, a pillar of fire by night, a canteen full of living water that will never run empty, and the shade of His wings.

Thank you so much for reading this. Next blog will be Jer. 17:7-8.  

2:34 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Legalism

We all know that we are saved through faith, and not through works. We also know that, as His children, we are to obey God's commandments. In fact, we want to obey His commandments, because we love Him. We want to please Him, but as we know, we cannot please Him through our own strength. Complete and perfect obedience is not possible, because we are sinners by nature. We can try to be obedient through our own strength, but we are doomed to fail. That's where the Holy Spirit, and God's grace, come in.

As a Christian, I know all of this to be true. I know that I want to obey the Lord, and seek to please Him on a daily basis. For me, obedience is a way of demonstrating my love to the Lord. The thought of displeasing Him hurts me, so I strive to obey and keep His commandments. On the surface, this would seem good, but have you ever wondered if striving to obey the Lord can become legalism? I think it can....if you don't know the Word.

Colossians 2:20 Therefore, if you died with Christ from the basic principles of the world, why, as though living in the world, do you subject yourself to regulations - Do not touch, do not taste, do not handle

Legalism is defined as strict adherence to law or prescription. It goes beyond obedience, because much of the time it involves tacking on unnecessary rules and regulations that are inspired by man rather than God. Jesus Christ condemned the Pharisees for this, just as Paul condemned the Judaizers.

Gal 3:2,3 This only I want to learn from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the Works of the law, or by the hearing of faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh?

The flesh can be seen as anything done apart from the Spirit. The Bible says that the works of the law are works of the flesh. It seems to make sense, then, that legalism is the attempt to justify oneself through one's own merits, or the equivalent of a works-based salvation. If a person is very legalistic, there is no room for grace, because one is justified by how well he keeps the law....but we all know that if one fails on one point of the law, he has failed on the entire law.

The pharisees were legalistic, but they took it a step further by tacking on a bunch of rules and regulations that were not ordained directly by God, but were merely their interpretations of God's Law. The spirit of the law was completely lost in the myriad of the rules and regulations....the letter of the law....and the people became deceived into obeying rules that were not actually part of the original law. Because they didn't understand the spirit of the law, and they relied on man's understanding, they were deceived.

In the Colossians verse, Paul mentions the phrase do not touch and do not handle. These phrases remind me another time when a person subjected herself to such a regulation:

Gen. 3:3 ....but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the Garden, God has said "You shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you die."

The phrase nor shall ye touch it was not a part of the original command given to Adam. I am not suggesting that Eve was practicing legalism here, but merely that it follows the idea that when a person doesn't know the Word of God, or the spirit behind the law, then it can lead to deceit....and you can end up trying to follow a bunch of rules, trying to please God, which in the eternal scope of things, don't really matter.

If a person knows to do right, and does not, to him, it is sin

How can a person know what is really sin when he has lost sight of the spirit of the law?

When Eve added that on, she "added to" the word of God, and allowed herself to become deceived. She gave Satan a huge window of opportunity to deceive her....and I believe that legalism today gives Satan the same window of opportunity. The Bible tells us not to add to or take away from the Word. I'm thinking that it is not only because the Word is sacred, but also because it causes a person to lose sight of the truth of the Word.

Once a person becomes encumbered in legalism, the real truth of the Word is lost, and it is so much easier to become deceived. We are supposed to let the  Holy Spirit guide us into all truth, and teaching us. The Bible talks about the law being written on our hearts. We will instinctively know what will please and displease the Father, and won't have to rely on a list of rules and regulations.

As I have grown to know the Lord on a deeper level, I have come to discover that, while obedience is important, it is not as important as my relationship with the Lord. I used to think that, the more I obeyed the Lord, the closer to Him I would become, but the Lord taught me that just the opposite is true...the closer I grow to the Lord, the more inclined I am to obey Him.

I am not saying that obedience is not important....but unless it comes from a heart that loves God, and a relationship with Him, it has the tendency to become a faith based on works. Not only that, but the closer I grow to the Lord, the more I realize that the 2 commandments...(1) Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and (2) Love your neighbor as yourself....are cornerstones of TRUE obedience. If you have love, then the other commandments will follow. 

Here's the way I see it: If you're legalistic, you won't drink, smoke, chew, or go with guys that do. If you're obedient, you will love them as Christ did. 

6:13 AM - 5 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Erotica LA Outreach Events

The Erotica LA Outreach was a HUGE success, and I give all of the glory to our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. He was with the Pink Cross team the ENTIRE time, encouraging, ministering to, and protecting us from the darkness surrounding the events. Who would have thought that a porn convention could be a mission field...but God used it as one, planting seeds, spreading His love around, and confronting people with the truth about pornography.

From the very beginning, the enemy was at work, trying to sabotage our efforts to minister effectively. We were originally supposed to have a booth in the middle of the convention, but because the people running the convention were "concerned about our safety" (due to Daphne and Shelley's testimony at the State Capitol), and certain vendors were complaining, it was proposed that we back out. Even so, the Lord had his hand on us and this mission, and after some convincing and from Shelley, they agreed to move our booth to the back of the convention center, which actually worked to our advantage. We ended up being right by the food court, and the main stage, where the Fame Awards and other shows were being held. Needless to say, there was a lot of traffic, and a lot of opportunities to confront people with the information we presented.

We basically confronted people with the truth about pornography. We passed out truth tracts, which highlighted testimonies of several girls who got out of the industry, and gave their lives to Christ....including Jan, one of the girls on the team. The testimonies were graphic, and told about how porn basically ruined their lives, and how Christ restored them. We showed them the ugly statistics on STDs, drug abuse, and suicide in the industry, and talked to them about how the people in the industry are abused, taken advantage of, and their rights violated. Needless to say, this put a real damper on Satan's festivities BIG-TIME. Many of them were shocked and apalled to learn the truth, and it was apparent that the Holy Spirit was using these horrendous facts to convict them.

As great as all of this was, though, for me, this wasn't even the best part of the outreach. For me, the best part were those times when I was able to share with people what Christ did in my life. When people would come over to the table, and ask me why I was doing what I was doing, or what we were all about, I was able to go more into talking about the Lord...how I was in the porn industry, what it did to me, and how I became a Christian, and the Lord set me free. When people are confronted with this truth, there is not much they can say against the Lord. In fact, many of them I talked to acknowledged that they already knew that porn was destructive, but not that destructive....they also acknowledge that they know it is wrong, but they just can't help themselves.

Whoever says that porn is not an addiction has obviously not talked to many porn fans.

Throughout the day, Jan, Shelley, and I would go around the convention center, giving away gift bags to the porn stars and letting them know that the Pink Cross cares about them, and is there for them. Inside each gift bag were some beauty supplies, a Christian CD, a gospel tract, truth tract (testimonials) and a copy of their rights as per OSHA. We invited them back over to our table for more free stuff, and a lot of them came over. One girl in particular said that she walked around the Convention Center 5 times before she finally found us.

It was so cool when they came over, because we were able to talk to them one-on-one, and they could see what we were all about.

The most exciting part of the whole thing was that, everytime someone walked past our table, they were confronted with the Gospel. Our table was full of things like Bibles and other Christian books, and we would automatically give them a copy of the testimonial tracts, so they could read about how Christ transformed the lives of these porn stars.

The Lord really taught me a lot this weekend....about ministering effectively, being bold, standing up for Him and His Word, and compassion. As I talked to people, and really listened to them, I realized that although everyone's experiences with porn are different, and they have different reasons for being there, one thing remains the same....that these people are deceived, and many of them, in bondage. I realized that the Lord wants to free them from that bondage. The fact that the Holy Spirit would be willing to stand side-by-side with us in that dark place, in order to convict people and free them from their addiction, just proves the depth of His love for them. It was only a few years ago that I was in that same bondage, and completely deceived.

Not everyone was happy with what we were doing. On Saturday night, a couple of fans came up to our table, and started talking to Jan. At first, they thought we were just there to educate, but when they found out that we were Christians, one of the guys started really laying into Jan. They basically mocked our faith, and sarcastically asked how we go from porn to Christ. They completely made fun of Christianity, and part of me wanted to get defensive and argumentative. Jan, on the other hand, remained very calm and collected. It was disheartening, but I suppose it was to be expected. Not too many people like to be confronted with the truth.

Overall, I would say that the outreach was a great success. Many seeds were planted, and the truth was exposed to the masses. The Pink Cross team also did a couple of interviews for outside media, through which the word will spread even farther. I just pray that the Lord would continue to use this outreach, not only to spread the truth about porn, but also to convict hearts according to the Gospel message.

For everyone who prayed, thank you SO much....just know that your prayers, and labor, was NOT in vain, and the Lord definitely made an impact.

5:59 AM - 8 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Erotica LA Outreach June 6-8

Dear friends;

As you all know, the Erotica LA Convention is next weekend, and the Pink Cross Foundation will be working this event to minister to the people in attendance. There will literally be thousands of people there, including porn stars and their fans. We are all really excited, as we all know that God is going to move tremendously. We have complete faith in God that He is going to do a mighty work there, that people will be convicted, and that lives will be impacted. This is a great opportunity to minister to those who are rarely ministered to, and to show them what the love of Jesus is REALLY all about. We are all praying that God will use this opportunity to reach out to those who are really hurting, and are ready for a change in their lives...and willing to accept the abundant love that Christ has for them.

In Isaiah 55:11, God says: So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to me void, but shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it

God's word is absolutely reliable and trustworthy; as such, we can rely on the following promises:

Mt. 17:20  "....If you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain 'Move from here to there' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you"

James 1:5   "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him"

Mt. 25:40  "....Inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these, My brethren, you did it unto Me"

Psalms 147:3  "He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds"

We have complete faith that the Lord wants to heal the brokenhearted next weekend, and that He wants people to come to Him. That is what we hope to accomplish...to draw people away from the lie of porn, and into the truth of God's Word.

I want to ask all of you to please pray for this outreach. This will be a HUGE ministry opportunity, and I know that the Lord REALLY wants to move, to open the eyes of the blind, and to set captives free. Pray that the Lord gives us all wisdom and discernment, and that we listen to His lead. Pray that he moves on the people in attendance, and that they will LISTEN to His voice. Pray for conviction and healing.

I am so grateful to Shelley for this ministry, because through her, God is reaching out to a whole subculture of people that the mainstream church has not tapped into. Most people do not see, nor do they understand, the emptiness, pain, and degradation beneath the "fantasy"....but God does, and He desperately wants to reach out and heal, and draw these hurting and abused people to Himself., and that's exactly what He will do.

I also want to thank everyone who has donated to this outreach. Also, if you wish to donate, you can do so by going to www.thepinkcross.org. Financial support is always appreciated, but what is appreciated most is your prayers. 

I just want to thank all of you also for your support and your prayers. Certainly, nothing can be done for the Kingdom of God without prayer, so please pray this week that the Lord will use this event to bring people into His Kingdom...that he will use what was intended for evil to His own glory.

11:00 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Bumping up my testimony

..TR> ..TR> ..TABLE> ..TABLE>

10:40 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Porn Star Ashley Brooks to Ex Porn Star saved by Grace

This is my testimony, and the events that led me into the porn industry, and those that followed, from childhood to the present. I was raised in Southern California by a single mother, who struggled with severe depression. She was a wonderful woman, but extremely troubled. She had no close friends, and was very isolated.  I was always really lonely and shy, so I never had many friends growing up. I was teased a lot, called names, and picked on all the time. Everyone hated me, and I developed extremely low self-esteem. I saw myself as a complete freak, and completely unlikable. Not only that, but I was very naive, because my mom refused to discuss sex with me. She told me the basics, and that was about it. I had to research many things on my own, which led to me having a very distorted view of sex. She treated sex as something dirty, and got mad at me when I'd ask questions. I remember having to look up things in the encyclopedia, and talking about things with my friends. As a kid, my mother tried very hard to shelter me. Regarding things that were traumatic, she was evasive, and refused to discuss them. She figured that if she ignored things, they would go away. For example, I remember this one evening when we were having dinner. We were at the front of the restaurant, and I remember a man stumbled in, with blood gushing out from his chest, and a knife sticking out of his back. He made eye contact with me, said "I'm wounded," and fell to the floor. I remember many people rushing to his aid, and my mother praying vehemently for him at the table. I was disturbed and frightened, but when I asked her to explain what had happened, she told me to not think about it, not to look, and to just eat my dinner, so I did what she said. We never talked about it again. Aside from her, I had virtually NO CONTACT with my mother's side of the family. The only member of her family that I ever met was her mom. She came to stay with us for about a year. She was a raging alcoholic, and would constantly scream at us. One night, in a drunken rage, she chased my mom with a knife, and we had to go to a hotel. I was terrified of her. My dad lived out-of-state, and I hardly ever saw him. I would go to visit him for 2 months during the summer, but that was about it. I didn't meet him until I was 5. He was a very cold and intimidating man, harsh and unloving. I'm not sure if he was an alcoholic, but he drank a lot. He scared me, so I was always well-behaved around him, but even so, belt-whippings were common. I HATED going to visit him, and remember calling my mother crying because I wanted to come home. Most of his family was very nice, but I never made a connection with any of them. I was basically an outsider, and hated being there. I remember one uncle who took a special interest in me. At first, I enjoyed the attention, but then I remember several times when I would be taking a bath, he would come into the bathroom, and sit down by the tub and talk with me. I don't remember much about those incidents, just that he would be very playful and openly-friendly. After a while, I felt really weird around him.   I guess I blocked it out, because when I was 13, I was talking to my friend about how I was afraid of the dark, but when I masturbated at night, it would help me fall asleep. She then told me that when I was 7 years old, I was crying to her one day and told her that an uncle had "touched me" while I was in the bathtub. I had no recollection of this, but she assured me it was true. Shortly thereafter, my mom cut off all visitation. From that point on, I had no contact with my dad. My only family was my mom. Then, when I was 14, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had to face the reality that the only family that I knew could die. She spent most of her time after that in and out of hospitals, and I was basically on my own. She would be gone weeks at a time. I had a friend come stay with me, so at least I wasn't completely alone in the house. I became very depressed, but I wouldn't talk to anyone. I didn't want to bother them.  No one on my dad's side of the family knew that my mom was sick.  I had no one to talk to, and begun slipping into a deep depression. I never talked to anyone about my feelings, because my mom had always raised me not to bother anyone with my problems. So I didn't. While all of my fellow classmates were dating, or had boyfriends,, the fact that I was so consumed with my mother's illness left me with little interest in guys. I had no desire to date, though, because I was too concerned with my mom's illness. It just seemed so pointless. When my mom WAS home, she would isolate herself, and would barely talk to me. I understood that she was going through a lot of pain, so I left her alone. This made me even lonelier. I became anorexic and isolated. I was 5'8, and dropped down to 99 lbs. I figured that if I were thin enough, people would actually notice me. It didn't matter to me how I got the attention, just that I got it. I was so desperate for love, that I was willing to make myself sick in order to get it. One day, I looked at myself in the mirror, and reality hit. I knew I kept starving myself, I would die. By the grace of God (and I know it was Him), I was able to pull myself out of this mindset.  I graduated high school early, with honors, and worked a job until I went to college. Because I was raised in a Christian home, I majored in religious studies. My mom really wanted me to go into the ministry. In college, I was reclusive, and made very few friends. I remember several guys showing an interest in me, but I had little interest in dating, even though I LOVED men, and I loved the attention that I got from them. The summer after my first year in college, a friend of mine introduced me to speed. I had never done drugs before, and I was immediately hooked. I took it in mass quantities whenever I could. Not only did it keep my weight down, but it provided a powerful escape from the crap that was going on in my life. I loved it, and continued on in it, even after returning to school. I was able to hide my habit very well, so no one suspected. I convinced myself that it was all under my control, and didn't have a problem. I was very good at deceiving myself like that. As long as I had the drug, I didn't need anything else...not even men. During my junior year in college, I met the man who would be my husband. He was funny, smart, and outgoing, which I loved, because I was such an introvert. He was very unemotional and unaffectionate, just like my dad. At the time, this wasn't a huge deal to me, because I was used to feeling unloved. I never had much affection from a man growing up, and this was no different. We dated for about 6 months, then he asked me to marry him. By this time, my mother was near death, so I agreed….not so much because I loved him, but because I was so desperately afraid of being alone. By this point, I pretty much hated myself, and figured that no one else would ever love me, either. I saw this as my only chance for marriage, and a fulfilling life, so I took it. I figured that, even if I was unhappy, at least I wouldn't be alone. On my wedding day, I almost backed out, but I went through with it, anyway. Everyone was so supportive, and I didn't want to disappoint them, especially my mom. The first few years of marriage were okay, but as our marriage progressed, he got more distant and cold. The sex lacked any love or affection, and from the start, I hated it. It was basically just me putting everything I had into pleasing him, so that I could get it over with. I never had an orgasm. He didn't care. As long as he was being pleased, it didn't matter what was going on with me. Sex was physically painful, and emotionally draining, but I had to do it to keep my end of the maritial bargain. I absolutely hated it, and couldn't see why everyone thought it was so great. After a while, things started becoming abusive. I remember one time in particular where he threw me against the wall SO HARD that the cops were called. He would do things like push me against a wall, and hold me by my neck. One time, he dragged me beside a moving car. Each time, I convinced myself that it was my fault, and that I needed to be a better wife. When I was 22, a year after we got married, my mother passed away. This was especially hard on me, and I was really hoping for my husband's support. Instead, he was very cold and unemotional. I remember sobbing during the funeral service, and putting my head on his shoulder. He just sat there, and did nothing to comfort me. All he did was talk about the life insurance policy that she left me. I was devastated. If I couldn't confide in him, who COULD I confide in...so the night of my mother's funeral I spent with my friend, getting wired on speed and sucking up the grief that I felt. I knew that my husband couldn't support or comfort me, so I refused to grieve. For a while, the physical abuse stopped, and I was sure that things would get better. They didn't. We were in constant financial turmoil, and it seemed that nothing I could do pleased him. I did all I could to satisfy him sexually, but it seemed that I always came up short. We rarely had sex, and when we did, it consisted of him sitting back while I pleased him. There was no foreplay, no effort on his part, and he continually reminded me how unsatisfactory I was. He started convincing me that, in order to make up where I lacked, we needed to play around with other couples, and for a while, I refused. It seemed completely unthinkable that my husband had to go to other women, but he continued to nag me about this, and I eventually gave in....partly out of guilt, and partly out of frustraion. I thought that I owed it to him, because I was so horrible in bed. We started going to sex clubs, and he noticed the attention that I got from other men, which I liked, because it meant that he would have to face the fact that I was desirable, and worth something. We eventually met up with a woman who was a stripper, who convinced me that I "had the look" to be very successful stripping. My husband agreed, and convinced me that it was a great idea. I, on the other hand, wasn't as enthusiastic. Money or not, I HATED the idea of having to parade myself in front of a bunch of strangers. I already hated myself so much. On the one hand, I felt cheap and worthless, because I was nothing but an object for men to lust over, and a cash cow for my husband. On the other hand, the fact that complete strangers would pay to see me dance sort of intrigued me. I figured that if my husband could see that other men found me attractive, that he would appreciate me more as a wife. I got a job at a very upscale club in San Francisco. I hated every minute of it, but I kept it up, because I was convinced that I was being a good wife. On the inside, I felt completely worthless and ugly. I hated myself, and the men who came to see me. My self-worth rested how much money I was able to make, so on the slow nights, my self-esteem was nill. I would come home completely depressed, hating myself, and my husband would ask why I didn't make more. He became my own personal pimp, and was more than happy every night when I gave him the money I made. Just knowing that he was happy made me feel a little bit better. I was a sorry excuse for a woman, and a joke of a wife. My marriage was a sham.  After I just couldn't take it anymore, I told him that I was quitting. He wasn't happy, but eventually, he gave in. I got a regular job, and things were okay for a while. We had a child, and I thought that things would work out after that. I was completely wrong. My husband started getting into porn. I hated it, because the last thing I needed in my life was more competition, but he convinced me that because I was inadequate, that was the only way he could get off while we were having sex, so I allowed it. Our sex life was as dull and loveless as ever, and consisted of me pleasing him while he watched porn. That was our sex life, and I HATED having sex. I knew that pleasing him was my wifely duty, though, so I allowed it. Our sex life never got any better, and he became more and more consumed with porn. When we weren't having sex, he would go to the bathroom with his porn magazines, and masturbate while I was in the other room. I hated the fact that I couldn't satisfy my husband, but after a while, I just didn't care anymore. Eventually, he started telling me that, because I was so hot, I could make a lot of money doing porn. We could barely make ends meet, and he said that he was doing it for the both of us. He eventually sent my picture in to a number of production companies, and I accrued a lot of interest. He said he'd be my manager, and that he'd take care of everything. I could never say no to him before, and this was no different. I eventually got tired of the guilt trips, and figured that it couldn't be much worse than what I'd already done. Boy, was I wrong. I said yes, and we moved to Southern California. My first meeting was with a "freelance producer" who was a complete scumbag. I knew nothing about the industry, and he convinced me that I had to "show him how good I was," so I agreed to let him film me while we "did it" on his bed. His apartment was filthy and disgusting, and I felt like a complete piece of trash, but I couldn't bear the thought of coming home and telling my husband that I'd backed out. I know how he would make me feel. At this point, I didn't care about anything, so I just did it and got it over with. I turned everything off, blocked out every emotion, and basically made myself an automaton for the next 3 hours. It was the most humiliating experience of my life. I felt like a complete and total prostitute, but worst of all was knowing that I was so worthless to my husband, that he would agree to whore me out like that. After that, we hooked up with a web designer, who agreed to design a site for me in exchange for sex. Of course, I said yes, and this was my first "movie" experience. I immediately started getting work, and did whatever I could to make money. All the while I was making movies, I started slipping deeper and deeper into depression. Sex was disgusting and loathsome for me, and I hated myself more with every movie I made. Sex was just something that I had to tolerate in order to get paid. I had never enjoyed sex, but I never imagined that it could be so downright miserable, humiliating, and draining. It took everything I had just to make it through one scene. Most of the videos were filmed in very upscale homes, but the conditions were filthy. Not all of the videos I did were sex videos, but even the fetish videos were completely unsanitary. If I was doing a peeing video, I'd urinate right on the ground, and would have to stand in it. One girl actually peed on the roof of the house. If for some reason the girl couldn't urinate, we'd have to wait around until she could, no matter how bad we had to go. If we ended up going before our scheduled time, our whole scene was ruined, and we'd forfeit our pay for that day. For masturbation videos, used sex toys were offered as props, which was completely disgusting, because I had no idea who had used them before. On set, if a girl was nervous or hesitant, the producers would become very belligerent. I remember during one particular production, one girl showed up with her boyfriend. She was obviously new to porn, and very young. I could tell that she was terrified. When it was time for her scene, she said she wasn't sure she wanted to do it. She was extremely distraught, but the producers and her boyfriend just kept egging her on. They told her how sexy she was, and eventually became very irate, telling her how she shouldn't be there wasting their time if she wasn't serious. Most producers have absolutely no patience with the girls, even though being on set is a very traumatizing experience. There is no room for compassion in the porn industry. Anal scenes were the worst!!! Anal sex is stressful enough, but having to stop and start and switch angles is murder. Physically, it is extremely painful, and it is not uncommon to lose bowel control. This is extremely humiliating, not to mention unsanitary.  All you can do is try to put the experience out of your mind, and live with the degrading embarassment, which is not easy when the people on set tell you just how disgusting you are. Production is an all-day affair. I would have to wait for hours on set until it was finally time for my scene. While I was waiting, I would sometimes go outside and get high with the other girls. Everyone in the porn industry uses drugs. Marijuana was almost always available on set, either from the other performers, or the crew; not only that, but if I had access to it, before production, I would smoke as much meth as I could because it was easier to tolerate the hardcore sex when I was wired. The porn industry doesn't require drug tests, so I could pretty much be on whatever I wanted when I was filming. As long as we showed up, the producers didn't care WHAT we were on. Everyone in the industry was required to take monthly HIV tests, but we were not tested for anything else. It was not uncommon for me to get a yeast infection, or even a bladder infection. When I told one of the other girls about it, she informed me that it was no big deal, and showed me a way to block the discharge so I could continue working. I worked several times with yeast infections. My husband knew, but didn't care, and at this point, neither did I. It was disgusting, but that was me...a disgusting, worthless porn star. It would only go to reason that I should get a yeast infection. I figured that I deserved it. When I would get a bladder infection, sex hurt like hell, and I couldn't urinate without it completely burning. With all of the diseases that are rampant in the porn industry, it's only by the grace of God that this is ALL I got, and I didn't contract HIV or some other STD. Many of the girls aren't so lucky.  Every film that I made was a total and complete lie. I put up a real good front, but the truth was, I despised having sex. It was just part of the job, and the sluttier I acted, the better. The truth of the matter was, though, I was just a robot going through the motions. Every scene was like an exercise in self-mortification. I had to shut off everything, and take myself out in order to bring myself through.  While I pretended to love every minute of having sex with the male performers, all I could think about was getting it over with. I couldn't wait for the money shot, because that meant that it was almost time to leave. I felt absolutely degraded by being there, but I figured that it would only last for a few hours, and I could be on my way. Every movie I made, my husband was there. Everyone would call him my "suitcase pimp," and make fun of him behind his back. One producer in particular told me that his involvement was holding back my "career." He was the only reason I was even there, though, so it didn't matter to me. I wouldn't even be involved in porn if weren't for him. Meanwhile, I would tell people how much I loved having sex, and how much of a slut I was. I told one interviewer that I grew up in a Christian background, yet I had this voracious sexual appetite that just couldn't be repressed. That was the farthest thing from the truth. Sex, for me, was something I did because I had to, and I hated EVERY minute of it. I remember being in this big "casting call" with tons of other girls. We would bring our pictures, and tell the producers what we would and wouldn't do. I didn't give a crap, so I told them I would do anything. I had no reservations. I absolutely HATED myself for doing it, but I figured that I was so far-gone, nothing mattered anymore. My sex life with my husband became almost non-existent. On the rare occasions we DID have sex, it was usually anal, and we always had to have a porn video on in order for him to become aroused. I felt subhuman, like a robot going through the motions. I knew that my husband wasn't thinking about me during intimacy, and truthfully, I didn't care what he was thinking about. As long as it reduced the time it took for him to climax, it didn't matter. Sex meant nothing to me.  I started slipping even deeper into depression, until one day, I just couldn't take it. I told my husband that I refused to do anymore porn, and that he would have to deal with it. He was furious. He slapped me, and basically told me I was ruining everything. I didn't care. I was sick and tired of being degraded. He insisted that I do more to please him sexually. I told him that the only way I could get off was to smoke meth and pot. Before this, he was completely opposed to drugs, but because he really wanted me to be a sexual animal, he gave in. He started buying me speed and pot, and I used it whenever I could. He continued to watch porn, and told me he really wished I would go back into the industry. I thought everything would be okay after I quit porn, but it wasn't. I remained in my depression, and eventually started cutting myself. I hated my life, and myself. I had reached my lowest point, and told myself how much of a slut I was, and that I deserved every slice of the blade. I wanted to punish myself any way I could. I did this a few times, until my husband caught me one day. He totally freaked out, and I was admitted into a psychiatric ward. I slept for 2 days straight, and was prescribed everything from wellbutrin to lithium. I was diagnosed as manic-depressive, and was kept for several days. During this time, my husband called my estranged dad and told him what a basket-case his daughter was. After a few days, I was released, but I was still depressed. The lack of respect that my husband had for me only worsened with the depression. He couldn't understand what was the matter with me. About a year later, my husband kicked me out of the house, and filed for divorce. I was basically homeless. I went to stay with a friend, and I continued doing meth. I had no home, no family, and my life was completely empty. I contemplated suicide several times, but never went through with it, because I was afraid of the repercussions. I went back to school, and managed to land a decent job, but I was ordered not to have one-on-one contact with my daughter, because of my psychiatric illness. I was considered a danger to her, so the court issued a restraining order. I was told that the only way I could see her was through supervised visitations, but even then, my husband made it impossible for me to have any contact with her. I tried to get an attorney to help me, but because of the cost, I had to move out of my apartment into a veteran's community, where I didn't have to pay rent. I was planning on saving up for an attorney, but instead, I became involved with one of the men there. I was desperately lonely, and he seemed to offer me emotional support.   Throughout the entire relationship, he was abusive. I made the mistake of telling him about my past involvement in pornography, and he told me that he would be able to deal with it, because he was so madly in love with me. That never happened. He was an alcoholic, and beat me on a regular basis. I remember having to go to work on several occasions with my face tore up and a black eye. I financially supported him, though, which is why he continued in the relationship. He was also verbally abusive. He convinced me that no man could ever love me with a past like mine, and that he was doing me a favor by loving me. I was convinced that he was right. On one occasion, he took me to a park and brutally raped me. He was arrested, but the charges were dropped. For a year and a half I loved him, and tried to make things work. Then, one morning, everything came to a head. He came home drunk and belligerent, after a long night of gambling. He proceeded to beat me severely, kicking me in the back, in the face, and telling me what a whore I was. He said that I was a total slut, and that I deserved all of it. Then, at the height of his rage, he put his fingers inside of my mouth and pulled so hard that he tore my mouth open. I was bleeding profusely. He then pushed my face into a pillow and proceeded to asphyxiate me. It was at this point that I cried out to the Lord in desperation, and said "If you have any mercy on me, Lord, send your angels to protect me." At that precise moment, he stopped. I was in shock. I thought for sure I would die that day. Then, he proceeded to drug me with seroquel, so that I couldn't leave and tell anyone about the incident. I fought to stay awake, but the sedative was too powerful.  The following morning I left, and never came back. Once again, I was homeless. I went to stay with a friend, and started doing meth again. I spent my days in a stupor, either wired or coming down. I desperately needed God, and wanted Him, but my spirit had been so broken, and I thought I had become too far-gone, for Him to love me. I desperately needed to be loved, but I had no one, so I continued in my meth habit for 3 months, until my friend and I got into a huge argument. She kicked me out, and I was once again homeless. I slept in my vehicle for 2 months, while I saved up for an apartment. By this time, I was in the pit of my despair. I started to seek the Lord, but I felt so unworthy, and didn't know how to ask for His help. I figured that if He loved me, He would help me, even without me asking. I finally got an apartment, but I was so depressed, and my life was so devoid of joy, that I felt completely hopeless. I had no one, and nothing, and I continued in my meth habit. I was completely alone, completely depressed, and completely strung-out. How on EARTH could God save a wretch like me? But He did. While I was driving, I stumbled upon a Christian radio station. Many of the messages spoke straight to my heart, and they talked a lot about Christ's love, and the hopelessness of life. Slowly, Christ started speaking to me through these ministers, and showing me that, despite everything I'd done, and the pit that I was in, Christ's love was powerful enough to overcome it all, if I would just come to Him with a sincere heart and a willingness to change. For someone like me, this was a message of unimaginable hope and deliverance. I felt God speaking to my heart, and I felt His love overcome me like never before. I had NO IDEA that that kind of love even existed. For so many years, I felt that no one could truly love me. I felt that I was so trapped in depression and self-loathing that I was a hopeless case. Everyone in my life had let me down, and it seemed unfathomnable to me that there was a Savior out there who would never leave me nor forsake me. I was so riddled with guilt over my past, that God's love just seemed too far-removed from me. I was emotionally dead, and internally exhausted. To think that the love of Christ could breathe new hope into me just seemed impossible. I had been raised in the church, and had studied the Bible before, so I knew the kind of God that He was. I knew that He was a God who was faithful to His promises, but for me, those promises just seemed out of my reach. I had sunk so low, and I couldn't fathom that the same God who worked such miracles in the Old Testament, and sent His only Son to die on the cross, wanted to have fellowship with me. But even then, I knew that He was real, and that it couldn't hurt to give Him a try. From the moment that I came to Him, He made me feel so loved, and so special, that it totally shattered the image I had built up for myself. I knew that I could be saved, but I thought that I was way to far-gone to enjoy any sort of a relationship with Him. I was amazed to learn that God WANTED a relationship with me, and that He wanted to break down those walls so that I could love Him with all of my heart and soul. I have been saved for about 6 months now, and since then, God has NEVER failed me…not even once. He has transformed me into a beautiful new creature, and I am filled with more love and joy than I could possibly have imagined. I praise my Savior every day for rescuing me from the pit that I dug for myself. I still get depressed from time to time, but this depression is no match for the love and grace of my Heavenly Father. He has showed me what it really means to live, and to love. He has brought me from porn and depression into a beautiful new life of love and service, and I thank Him every day for His goodness and mercy.

May 7, 2008 - Wednesday

April 23, 2008 - Wednesday

April 5, 2008 - Saturday

March 24, 2008 - Monday