Cold
Current mood: cold

I was so cold at work today that my jaw hurts from me clenching it to stop it from chattering while I was on the phone with customers.  My back, between the shoulder blades, hurts from trying to hunch into the warmth of my heater under my desk.  My fingers, ankles and hips ache from the cold.  And when I walked home, it STILL WASN'T WARM ENOUGH!!!

I'll be wearing a winter coat way before the rest of you even begin to feel the cold. Drat it all.

12:06 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

weekend/monday
Current mood: awake

I had a great weekend - it was RayZOR's prebirthday bash at The Village and Random Allies played and so did Sofa Kings.  Yes,  I like Random Allies (cover band, all familiar music) and yes, I liked Sofa Kings (female lead, cover band, all familiar music).  I LOVED that the lead singer of Random Allies kept trying to get RayZOR to dance or sing - and he did sing! well, to Rancid's Ruby Soho - but it was cool! RayZOR carried me around the dancefloor and otherwise was as wierd as he always is.  It was alot of fun!

I think I pretty much ate chicken wings all weekend, boned or boneless.  It's all I craved.  I visited Suzanne on Friday night and watched Howl's Moving Castle with her and made plans to hang with her a bit this week.  Ate veggies cooked with curry and couscous w/almonds, raisinettes et other sweet stuff.  It was good, but I'm SO not used to vegetarian fare!  Saturday after I visited Teri I ate spicy chicken nuggets, then met up with Ray and ate chicken wings (hot!).  When I got home Sunday, I fell asleep and had my usual unsettled nightmares (I was spent) then went to get more chicken wings. 

I wasn't feel well at all Sunday, and by Monday I would move and feel like I was going to pass out - pain in all my joints, feeling feverish, having minor gray-outs and ended up not going to work.  If I could, I would have slept all day but guilt kept me from doing that. 

I had a meeting with Teri's residential facility staff Monday afternoon, which went relatively well.... and then Aaron and I went to shop at Giant and I was powerfully attracted to the sugar cookies.  I purchased some, ate it on the way home - and 15 minutes after FELT 100% BETTER. 

Ah.. sugars and carbs... things I tend to stay away from but I need them 'cause I move too much. So I'm going to watch my diet more and try hard to include the things I need - and while I don't like sugars or carbs (I don't like cookies or breads, in other words), I'll have to include them or something along those lines. I'm still not sold on the vegetarian fare, though...

Off to work now. Feeling like myself again.

10:43 AM - 5 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

This morning
Current mood: awake

So I ate alot last night, full of garlic and meat and tomatoes, and had heartburn really bad. I got up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom.  Didn't turn on any lights; I know where everything is. Went back to bed.

Got up this morning, put my contacts in, noticed stains on the floor (yes, you're thinking what i'm thinking, right?) and then realized that those weren't stains... they were snake skin. Huh? Did I track them down from upstairs = but Murgatroyd wasn't shedding... and as I looked further, I found the source.  Oh fuck. My 5'7" boa is curled around THE TOILET BOWL. Shedding.

I have literally walked around the second floor in stunned surprise, trying to figure out how the hell Murg got here. And realized that he's been in the closet in the computer room for the past two or three days.  There's shredded snake skin everywhere (and it's FINE too, so I have to pick it up piece by piece).  He's supposed to live in the attic....

Now I have to get him out of the bathroom.  Ever try to handle a large snake that does NOT want to leave where it's at? Heaven help me, I'm so selling the stupid reptile.

Of course he fought me trying to get him out of there.  Now he's in the small bedroom next to the bathroom, where I'm sleeping. Well, I can live with a snake in my room.  My problem is, as much as I like having snakes, I can't do this. He's got to go.

10:24 AM - 9 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

May 5th, 2004 on LJ
Current mood: contemplative

I am this woman: bright, cheerful, wise, loving,
hurt, torn, shattered, mother, daughter, grandmother
brave, bereft, bold, sexy, sensual, moody,
strong, fragile, brilliant, capable, hopleless, worn.

I am this woman, who suffers and grins, loves and loses.
Tired of the pain, but life goes on. My mantra.
What did I do to deserve betrayal? Be me - generous, loving,
full of life and complexity. Intense, yes; perhaps obsessed.
Not cowardly, not afraid; but left now with fear and broken hope.

My heart is intimate with pain; my soul with hurt. Beauty abounds
and I will not shy away from enjoying it. But fear now sits where
trust once stood. Look what you did, manchild, cruel creature.

Intrinsic in every facet of my life is my heart. I love with all
I have. There is no other way for me. And I will not change; the pain
remains, but I will not change. The glory of me IS me.

I am this woman; be warned. I am Me.

10:11 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Keep Jesus Off My Penis
Current mood: fascinated

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exDo2SMdB-0

LOL! Enjoix!

5:56 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Not for the weak of heart
Current mood: savage

don't want to listen to radio. or music. don't want to dance. don't want to talk on phone.  don't wanna read. barely wanna type. waiting for someone to get on im so I can chat for a few and then I'm going to bed.

took three regular advils when I got home, and now took an Advil PM (not the wisest of decisions on hindsight). THAT is how much pain I'm in.  I'm in this monthly hell-on-earth women must endure.  I'm not even fucking FERTILE and I still have to go through this until the prolonged existentialhellthatismenopause kicks in. 

I want to sleep for the next 36 hours while my body gets rid of all its preparations for carrying a parasite.  Why do I have to be awake to feel like my insides are warring with every weapon at it's disposal? WHY DO I HAVE TO FUNCTION THROUGH THIS CRAP??? Can't I just stay home and hide under my bed with tons of painkillers until it's over????

I'm feeling less murderous than when I came home and thought longingly of tearing out the offending innards with my bare hands.  I ACHE. Stupid fucking shit.

I had such a good weekend.  Got to see my daughter and she seems to be doing better.  Went to visit my friend and we just hung out together and relaxed.  Found out he had a song I had been wanting and so I was happy to add it to my collection.  We had a wonderfully lazy Saturday evening and Sunday morning.

AND THEN THIS HIT. Yea. I'm venemous.

Currently reading : Cry Wolf (Alpha and Omega, Book 1) By Patricia Briggs

5:21 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Good Day
Current mood: eccentric

I had a good day today. Okay, it started early - I have to get up early to get to work on time - and I had to work from 8 to 6, but it wasn't a bad day.  I was already in a good mood thanks to nice things said to me the day before. 

After 6pm I went with my friends Tif and Scott to perform ritual.  We had a good time and the wine they got, Four Seasons called ... goodness, I forgot! That's probably because I drank almost half of it by myself! They dropped me off at Smalls where I got hot chicken wings and a Yuengling Lager (that is ALL Aaron's fault, me liking that beer....) and hung out with Sean and Matt Ritter.  RayZOR couldn't make it but he went out in Lancaster with his friend Bubba and his... no, I can't say it! LOL. 

We saw Whiskey and Alimony, which is a side project of US Americans - US Americans were supposed to play but something happened to one of them (bench warrants???) but I got to meet the other guys (I know them through RayZOR).  I enjoyed them alot, even if I couldn't make out the words of the big bald guy! I got buttons, though!

I also saw Stark - not bad, but again, we need the sound kicked up on the vocals.  They're from NY"shitty" as they put it! I loved it!

Ritter bought me a shot - a Jaeger mixed with something that definitely took the edge off the terrible thing that is Jaegermeister.  I drank a beer, ate my hot wings, laughed my ass off at shit and Ritter was hilarious! Met a guy named Flavor from the US Americans and totally enjoyed my night at Smalls.

Now I'm home, slightly tipsy and very happy.  Texted with RayZOR so it was like hanging out together.  His friend Bubba sent me a picture of RayZOR's outfit (for those who know him, you know what I mean!) and he was having a good time too!

Going to see my baby daughter tomorrow at the residential facility she's at. My son will be coming back to York tomorrow.  He had to learn the hard way that his dad wasn't going to be the man his son wanted him to be.  Not that his mom is any better, but I've given my last cent for him.  I'm his mother; I should be the ultimate authority on everything in his life until he gets married and his wife takes over! LOL!

I'm happy. it's momentary, but that's what life is made of; moments like these.

Currently reading : The Hob’s Bargain By Patricia Briggs Release date: 2001-02-27

1:15 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Screaming Silently
Current mood: anxious

My son called me. He passed his drug test (stupid boy). He goes to the MEPS this week and gets his boot camp date soon. 

I'm proud of him (even as I wish I could kick him for risky behavior).  Yet, there's a deep, primal, maternal part of me that's screaming in agony because HE'S MY ONLY SON.

He states he will go in for linguist and learn a middle eastern tongue. That's pretty cool, in my opinion. 

My youngest called today from the residential facility she was transferred to and tells me that she may only last here 30 days, because "I don't have to put up with the attitudes here".  Um.. Hello, Missy, you're gonna find that EVERYWHERE and - oh wait, aren't you the chicky who gives everyone else attitude and expects THEM to accept it?

She's so NOT ready for prime time. I tell her this and she says, "Ma, I got a backup plan - Grandpa and Grandma."  Wait up, my elderly parents are YOUR backup plan? You need a swift kick in the head, child! Why can't she just get her GED and get recruited too!!!

Anyone available this saturday to drive me to Windsor Pointe in Windsor, PA (three miles SE of Red Lion) to visit her and bring her some additional clothing?

Yea.. but I'm her mom, you see, and she's still my baby, no matter what a little bitch she is. And yea, I hear that.. it's part my fault, I don't shirk that portion.

I'm still looking for work - preferably in the $12 to $15/hr range - I'm bilingual, legal/executive secretary with excellent computer skills etc etc etc.  Lots of experience. 

I've applied and continue to apply both here in York and to Lancaster (and some Harrisburg stuff too).  My being able to live on my own (with my dog and my computer) is dependent on a better job. It would make Aaron happy, too... trust me.

Oh, and am also asking for anyone with free time to let me drive their car for about 40 minutes at a time in any empty parking lot or industrial center during the weekend so that I can get the exposure I need to take my driving test. I'd like to take it in August. 

2:45 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

From Vince’s LJ/Windi
Current mood: moody

I Believe . . Have a seat . . . Relax . . . And read this slowly.

I believe -. . That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I believe - . That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe - . That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe - . That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe - . That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe - . That it is taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe - . That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe - . That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I believe - . That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe - . That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe - .. That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe - . That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe - . That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe - . That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe - . That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe - . That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe - . That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe - . That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe - . That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for whom we become.

I believe - . That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret.
It could change your life... Forever.

I believe - . Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe - . That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I believe - . That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I believe - . That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe - . That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

~What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us

1:54 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Despair
Current mood: relieved

No, I'm not feeling despair now.  But something interesting happened to me today and just reinforced my decision to never return to NY (except maybe to visit for a weekend).

I was typing in a replacement order; the address was in The Bronx.  I let my mind wander back to NY and my time there, and it was like being suddenly dunked in a black, dank pit of despair.  The trapped, angry, hurt, lost, lonely and beaten feeling washed back and I gasped.  Literally. 

I had good friends in NY (still do).  But my life there was terrible. I never want to return there.  Maybe I'll have bad experiences here too, but so far, I'm doing well.  I'll be all on my own soon enough; I've had the buffer of a good guy and friends here that embraced me. 

I know that alot of that feeling was youth and having kids too young and trying to find myself in a city mad with it's own energy.  Just.. I never want to feel that way again. 

I'm glad I'm here.  NY holds no appeal other than a faint nostalgia for something that will never materialize there.

6:58 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment