Drugs
Current mood: crazy
Category: Parties and Nightlife

Drugs

Today we have a huge problem around the world that is destroying society, culture and the very fabric of the space-time continuum; I am talking, of course, about drugs. I mean, yeah, they have DARE and anti-drug commercials on every ten seconds but apparently they dont stop millions of kids every day from smoking, snorting and injecting their way out of the real world and into their own blissful and happy world where all of their dreams come true and their fantasies know no bounds. But the big question on everyones mind is this: why? I mean who in their right mind would want to escape all the pressures and stress of high school and just have fun all the time? Since my first three test subjects died of overdose on assorted drugs and chemical substances, I risked my life to infiltrate the drug ring at our school to bring you the most in depth drug report youll ever find, ever.

Theres nothing I hate more than someone who wines about stuff they have no experience in so to prevent becoming a hypocrite I had no choice but to try drugs myself. First I asked a known drug dealer some questions and had the following conversation:

Me: Can I buy some drugs from you?

Drug Dealer: Are you talking to me?

Me: Yes, how many drugs can I buy for a dollar twenty five?

Drug Dealer: The fuck are you talking about? I dont do drugs. Are you writing this down?

Me: No, of course not. I would like about, say, twenty pounds of marijuana, how much would that cost?

Drug Dealer: You are writing this down, what the hells going on?

Me: Thank you, Ill be back on Tuesday to pick it up.

          Wow! That was confusing. Its obvious he was trying to tell me something, if only I could understand the complicated drug dealer lingo. Had I just bought three pounds of cocaine, or offered a blow job? I asked around to find out more. First I interviewed Eli, who wished to remain anonymous, about exactly what this conversation meant and got completely unrelated answers, Well, it all started back in 1952 I like to sell it more than take it, last time I tried crack I couldnt breath out of my nose for a week. I think everyone should try it. Then I interviewed Dean Fick, a hermaphrodite at our school who is also a known drug user. He said, Shut the fuck up! Stop talking to me you bitch! Apparently, drug use causes a short temper and loss of vocabulary.  Another student added, I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes got stuck up my nose. To get an even more in depth understanding I conducted a survey of drug users in which I found out that some favorite cartoon shows in the drug ring include Spongebob Square Pants, and That show with the uh what were we talking about? I also found out that some favorite foods include Chicken, and Those Brownies with the little green dots. Oh My God! The epidemic is worse than I thought!

          The studies I was undertaking were becoming more and more confusing, tedious and dangerous so instead, I decided to go to the internet and use other peoples studies. There I found out that over 96% of high school students use drugs daily, 102% of which also sell internationally. Another study shows that 78% of all percentages in studies are made up! Well that certainly makes things easier. Then I decided to conduct my own study of teenage drug users around the world and arrange it in this handy pie chart:

10%-Were amazed to find out there is anything more than porn on the internet

25%-Take at least 12 types of drugs hourly

10%-Chased me down the street with bricks and broken bottles (their guns lay forgotten)

 

5%-Were High on Life

5%- Single-handedly support their respective local Taco-Bells.

10%-Thought I was a giant penguin

15%-I cant remember what goes here

15%-Couldnt remember their own names

5%-Managed to convince me that Credit Cards are just a way for the government to keep track of their every action.

 

9%- Pulled down their pants and recited The Star Spangled Banner

5%-Were attempting to communicate with cheese

10%- Passed out during the conversation.

3%- Were planning to assassinate President Kennedy

1%-Believed that we were all created by an all powerful, omnipotent presence that watches and judges our every action.

      

3%- Offered me a blow job for some crack

3%-Tried to rape a telephone pole

3%-Claimed to have been to the moon.

3%-Had been to Amsterdam, enough said.

3%-Spoke only in elfish

0.1%-Dont do drugs

 

By this time I was getting very sleepy and only slightly paranoid about my room spinning so fast and the taste of blue in my mouth, so I asked a fellow New News reporter to find the mysterious secret of why. He was too lazy to leave the house so he opted to interview his sister. Heres a transcript of the conversation:

Reporter: why do you do drugs?

Interviewee: I dont do drugs.

Reporter (writes): I do drugs

Interviewee: I never said that.

Reporter: said what?

Interviewee: I do drugs.

Reporter: exactly.

I realized that I wasnt getting anywhere fast so I decided Id better end the study so I could spend the rest of my days with my remaining brain cells intact. If you take anything away from this article, know this: that even though drugs are really really really fun and some have little to no negative side effects, you should still try not to get caught doing them.

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4:20 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Swim Class
Current mood: aggravated
Category: School, College, Greek

Swim Class

          On Wednesday, it rained so hard on Kahuku High School, that school had to be closed down half way through and the students had to be sent home for the weekend (our school is now often being compared to New Orleans). While no one was complaining about that, there was some dissent over how long it took the district to finally close down the school. It had been raining all week, and class was finally called off when the classes (by now being held on roofs) started being flooded as well. So to stop students from ever having to stay longer than they would have to, I've compiled this helpful list of clear-cut signs that school should be closed to help the people who decide these things know when to send kids home early or call off school before it gets a chance to start.

·        When the track team's new uniform is swim trunks

·        When the cliff behind school becomes a waterfall

·        When kids would rather stay in class than be outside in the rain

·        When it looks like half of the students have had "accidents" all over themselves

·        When you have to build a raft to travel between classes

·        When the sun hasn't been seen in 3 weeks

·        When people go to school in snow clothing in Hawaii

·        When no one is allowed to stay in school at night due to fear of sharks

·        When students don't need to leave campus to go surfing

·        When there are 5 cases of hypothermia before lunch

·        When not even the local weather man comes to work that day

·        When the God advises you to build a really big boat.

·        When your back pack becomes a fish tank

·        When the people with umbrellas are constantly being mobbed

·        When you need scuba gear to retrieve a dropped pen

·        When you have to bend your neck up to see the top of a wave.

·        When you can go skating on the sidewalk with normal shoes

·        When the palm trees are bent into elaborate knots

·        When tourists start asking what kind of fish you are

·        When rain jackets reach the price of gold

·        When even the fish complain it's too wet

·        When the vice president shoots a guy in the face

·        When you see ducks swimming in the track

·        When Agriculture classes become Aquaculture

·        When a whale beaches itself on the cafeteria

·        When students start developing webbed feet

·        When there are so many fish not even James could eat them all

·        When coral forms on the walkways

·        When you start getting picked up in a school boat

·        When you have over a page of bullets explain when you should close the school for floods

·        When you need goggles to see the board

·        When the fire department is replaced by the coast guard

·        When they start serving fresh food at school

As long as they follow these simple signs, there is no way the school administration can keep us in any longer than they have to, and in the end, isn't that the only thing that really matters?

Brought to you by New News

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12:58 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Dick
Current mood: apathetic
Category: News and Politics

Dick

     Recently, Vice-president Dick Cheney took part in a well publicized quail hunting excursion, during which he mistakenly shot his 78 year old friend, Harry Whittington, in the face. The story is now so well known that the president might even find out soon. This was, of course, a very funny incident, in fact it almost makes my job too easy, you might say (or not, seeing as I'm not being paid for this it can hardly be considered a job). But there is a small downside to this mishap, and that is because our great and honorable Vice-president has actually taken some criticism for the incident. I personally am appalled that any one would be so heartless as to blame the Vice-president when it was in no way his fault. I mean hunting accidents happen all the time, it could have happened to anyone. And seriously, who can really tell the difference between a 78 year old man and a bird at a moment's notice? Just because it was the "Vice President of the United States of America" we think he should be held to a higher standard than an ordinary American? I mean he was hunting fairly large, slow moving birds that can't fly and were bred to be shot, so why should he be paying attention in the first place?

Are We Forsaken?
Current mood: artistic
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Are We Forsaken?

          Let's get one thing straight, there is a God. I mean, saying that there is no almighty presence guiding our every action and watching our every move is just plain absurd. It's like saying that unicorns don't exist or that Ryan Seacrest isn't really gay or that masturbation doesn't really make you go blind (coincidentally, studies show that 62% of high school students won't be able to read this by the year 2008). The question we should be asking is: how many gods are there? Never mind, that's a stupid question too, for one good reason: no one cares. The real question we should be asking is: why hast thou forsaken us?

          Late last year a hurricane hit New Orleans in Louisiana, breaking the dikes that basically held the ocean out and flooding the city. OK, so New News is a little late bringing you this story, but at least we were faster than the government. It's obvious that God is angry with us, after all that wasn't the last major hurricane to hit us last year (though it is the only one anyone cares about). Why would he/she/it take away our most sacred traditions of overeating and showing our boobs for beads? Don't you think it's just a little odd that a hurricane would destroy that city and not any of the other cities around there (if it did hit any other cities around there, we're sorry, we don't really like to do research). I mean it's just a random city near a large body of water and built below sea level. What are the odds?

          Anyone who's ever been to New Orleans knows that it is easily the only good place to go in the south (Disney World doesn't count). If only we knew what God wanted so we could appease him (him is short for him/her/it). We've tried sacrificial virgins (sorry Pam), we've tried sacrificial whores (sorry Pam), but nothing we do seems to have any affect. God is still pissed. All you can do now is stop eating meat on Fridays, start loving thy neighbor (hard) and pray (hey, maybe that'll work!)

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5:40 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

A Shrinking Epidemic
Category: Life

A Shrinking Epidemic

There is an epidemic in our school more frightening than a hurricane, more dangerous than a disease and more historically memorable than the Holocaust, the fall of Rome and the second season of American Idol combined. What is this epidemic you ask? Over the last several years we have all been growing older and noticing some changes in the school around us. Every year new seventh graders come to the school and each year they are shorter than the last. That's right, if you haven't noticed it, well, you're just weird, because it's one of the most obvious and important problems our nation has faced these many years. I went to streets (and by streets I mean those little concrete walkways throughout the school) to find out more.

          I first interviewed James Fick, a particularly short seventh grader who said, "shut up," "I'm a midget," "I'm tiny," "You're a bitch, you bitch." Oddly, I literally didn't say a word in between his sentences. Next I asked some other short people exactly why they are so short and got some rather interesting responses. "Because I am," says a rather frightened looked Hunter, "I have no fucking idea," said another student who stormed off before I could ask his name. Another response I got which was repeated by a number of students was the much less original "fuck off."

          While I was very excited about the quality responses I was getting, I realized that I still hadn't found the root of the problem, so I decided to ask some people who I remember used to be short, but mysteriously aren't anymore. Most people I asked refused to answer but when I interviewed a ninth grader named Keala who is now almost as tall as I am but I remember to be much shorter he said, "I didn't drink milk, now I drink lots of milk." Now we're getting somewhere! Milk! Is that the answer to the age old question? Do young people drink less milk than older people? I thought about interviewing some more people in school but that seemed hard so I went to the internet to find out more instead.

          When I typed in the word "milk," the first site that came up was ominously entitled "notmilk.com," it sounded like a good place to start so I clicked on the link, an action that would drastically change my view of milk forever. Through my research I discovered that milk caused bone disease, the calcium was not absorbable by human bones as it is genetically designed for cows and caused a large list of cancers. Regardless to say my research did not support the hypothesis that it was a lack of milk that caused young people to be so short.

          I decided that a new study must be undertaken so I brought in an old shirt I've had since seventh grade and compared it to the size of a short seventh grader and found that my shirt was slightly bigger, hence proving beyond shadow of a doubt that seventh graders are now far shorter than they were years ago. What it doesn't, prove however, is why, an unanswered question that has haunted the human race since the beginning of time. What will happen if this disturbing trend continues? The study I say I've done because it seems to fit here in the report shows that by the year 2009, seventh graders, upon entering intermediate school will be of microscopic size. If we don't do something about this now who will I ask you, who will???

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7:52 PM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment